Rules for a Perfect 4th of July


Happy 4th of July! Nothing like celebrating America’s 2016th birthday with some burgers, ice cold Americas and explosions. So here now are some rules to help you enjoy your 4th of July.

Rule 1: Watch Independence Day at least once. Independence Day is now on HBO GO. Watch it this weekend and remember just how fucking great that movie is. It’s also the perfect movie for this type of weekend. Put it on in the background while you put together the pasta salad. Feel free to leave the room to go put ice in the cooler, when you come back there will still be one more national monument yet to be blown up. Last year, AMC marathoned that shit all day, on repeat. Unfortunately, they’re not doing that again this year, and are instead showing a marathon of Jaws and Jaws 2. Which leads me too…

Rule 2: Watch Jaws, at least once. Blake Lively’s got nothing on this guy:

Rule 3: Drink a beer outdoors. It’s scientifically proven that beer tastes 37-48% better when drank outside.

Rule 4: Spend time outdoors. I know Rule 1 & 2 just advocated for watching TV, but July 4th is meant to be spent outside. It’s going to be hot as balls a lot of the time, so there will be a time when you need spend a few precious hours in the A/C watching Vivica A. Fox save a dog from an explosion inside that tunnel. But until that time, go to the beach, a park, a Bar-B-Que, a porch, a roof deck, a pool, a beer garden, anything. It’s July 4th, you should spend the weekend sweating your ass off and smelling almost like BO, just like our forefathers did.

Rule 5: Go to a Bar-B-Que. There is nothing better cooking meat on a fire. It’s basically the first things we learned to do as humans. Before toilet paper, before clothes, hell, before talking, there was putting meat on the fire and then eating it.

Rule 6: Don’t take pictures of fireworks. Just stop it. You’re blocking everyone else’s view. You’re phone camera is not that good. The pictures are not going to come out. And if by some miracle they do come out halfway-decent, you’re never going to look at them. Are you really going to go back 3 years from now and go “Oh look, this is a picture of those blurry streaks of white on an all black background. Such good memories.”? No. No, you are not. God help the other people you show those pictures too.

Instead, watch the fireworks like a normal person. Experience them. Take it all in. There will always be that one firework that catches you off-guard, either it’s fucking HUGE or there’s that big BOOM that comes when you’re not expecting it. You don’t want to be looking at your phone when that happens. If you want pretty pictures of fireworks just Google it. Here, look, there’s tons of ’em:

Screen Shot 2016-06-30 at 8.29.31 PM.png

Those look better than anything you could every hope to get with your iPhone. So put it away.

Rule 7: Give yourself a soundtrack. When you’re outside at the beach, or the park, or a Bar-B-Que, or a porch, or a roof deck, or a pool, or a beer garden, and your drinking that beer, music will make that experience all the better. It’s been scientifically proven that music will improve your outdoor chilling experience by 42-56%. Suggestions include: Pandora’s “Hip Hop BBQ” station, Spotify’s “Beach Vibes” playlist, your own custom playlist that obviously includes Tom Petty, Prince, and Snoop Dogg, or just Chance the Rapper’s Coloring Book on repeat over and over and over again.

Rule 8: You don’t have to drink shitty beer. Look, I know Budweiser put “America” on the goddamn can, but don’t drink that shit. I drank one two years ago, because “Fuck it, it’s 4th of July, and the can is basically an American flag.” Well, it tasted like Ollie pissed on said American flag and then someone rang it out into a glass. There are so many good beers out there, and so many of them are great for drinking in the summer. There are session IPAs, pilsners, radlers, shandys, wheat beers, goses and more. If you’re looking for some suggestions, here’s a list compiled by a guy I’ve met like twice. There are so many different types of beers and they all taste different and not at all like shit. And guess what? They still fuck you up! So, why not drink something delicious that ALSO gets you drunk .

Rule 9: Be subtle about your love for ‘Merica. Look, nobody needs to be wearing anything close to this (on sale for JUST $29.99!!). No American flag shirts, no american flag bandannas, no American flag skirts, especially no American Flag tank tops. These things make you look like a douchebag, so just don’t. Unless you’re 19, and then of course, you’re most definitely a douchebag. An American flag bathing suit is maybe the only article of clothing that could be okay. As long as you’re at the beach. And 45.

Okay, maybe this okay.

Rule 10: Drink a fruity cocktail. Preferably with a ton of ice in it.

Rule 11: Don’t set off fireworks. Leave that shit to the professionals. And not the professional football players:


Have fun this 4th of July and be safe!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s