James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2018 World Cup Preview! (Part 2)

We’re back!! I hope you’re well rested. As promised we’ve got Groups E, F, G, & H. We’ve got some more powerhouses (Brazil & Germany), America’s team and some dark horses with an outside shot to win the whole thing. Plus Tunisia! Let’s jump into it.

Group E: Brazil, Switzerland, Costa Rica, Serbia

Okay, so we’ve established that Group D is the Group of Death, so this one can’t be right? Right. Groups of Death are like Highlander, there can only be one. Plus Serbia is trash, so they’re not gonna make it competitive.

Yeah, when’s the last time you thought about the country of Serbia? Hmmmm, weren’t the bad guys in “Taken” Serbian? What about “Taken 2”? “John Wick”? If not one of those, then the answer is “never.”

Who is the favorite in this Group? Brasília!!!

Joga Bonito? You’re damn right!

Put on some samba, put a tiny umbrella in your beer and watch that beautiful game.

Do you remember, when Brazil got destroyed 7-1 by Germany in the semifinals of the last World Cup? It’s okay if you don’t remember, because neither does most of this team, most of them weren’t on that side. This is a new team, and their loaded. The only question is Neymar, who’s coming off foot surgery. Neymar got a $262 million contract from PSG this summer, and then went out and proved that he was kinda totally worth it. If he’s fully fit, they can win the whole thing.

Update: I think he might be okay…

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group?  Well, Costa Rica is a beautiful place to visit and the people are really nice there. They’re in the USA’s group, CONCACAF, so that’s another reason. They’re also incredibly well coached, play solid defense and have one of the top goalkeepers in the world. But Brazil is waaaaaaaay more fun to watch, so let’s root for them.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? Yes, Brazil’s yellow jerseys and blue shorts are, and always will be, the best uniforms in soccer.

Even in the 90s when they had huge collars and everyone was wearing a XXXL for some reason, they were still the best.

Who gets out of this Group? Definitley not the bad guys from Taken. Brazil and Switzerland, who’s surprisingly ranked 6th in the world.

Group F: Germany, Mexico, Sweden, South Korea

Who is the favorite in this Group? Defending World Cup Champions, Germany.

Germany is so boring, is there anything interesting about them? Oh ho ho. I’ve got a very tasty little nugget about Germany. How about the fact that their coach is a disgusting weirdo!!!

GROOOSSSSSSSS!!!! Tasty nugget indeed! Oh man, I think eating boogers, sniffing your armpits and then scratching your balls and smelling it is the horrible human trifecta. I’m not even sure my dog does all three of those things. How do you possibly listen to your coach after he picks his butt and eats it?!? So yeah, come for the impressive football, stay for the nasty human on the sidelines.

Doesn’t Sweden have that Zlatan guy? Yes they do, but sadly he’s old and hurt. But let’s run through some Zlatan quotes just because it’s fun.

  • “I can’t help but laugh at how perfect I am.”
  • On if he got his ex-fiancé an engagement gift: “What do you mean, ‘present?’ She got Zlatan.”
  • When moving to the French League: “It’s true I don’t know much about the players here, but they definitely know who I am.”
  • When scoring twice to qualify his team for the Euro 2016: “There was the thought that this would send me into retirement. I sent their entire country into retirement.”
  • Zlatan: “Only God knows who will go through.”  Reporter: “It’s hard to ask him.”  Zlatan: “You’re talking to him.”
  • His response when asked to name the world’s most beautiful woman:  “I haven’t met her yet. But when I do, I’ll date her.”
  • “If I had played in England I would have destroyed it, like I have everywhere else.”

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? Here’s something fun: One could argue the most popular sports team in the United States is… the Mexican National Soccer Team (“El Tri”). Mexico plays more friendlies in the U.S. than in Mexico and those games are sellouts. El Tri sold out games at Levi’s Stadium and JerryWorld. On weeknights! Liga MX (the Mexican professional soccer league) consistently outdoes the Premier League in TV ratings. Maybe we should rethink that wall. Mexico, America’s Team! Plus their best player is called “Chicharito.” I got no clue what it means, but it’s fun to say.

Counterpoint: Mexico and the U.S. are fierce soccer rivals and we should (sports) hate them every time we play them. Rooting for them is like being one of those people who roots for the other teams from your division in the playoffs, even though you shit on them all season. Nope, as much as I want a Taco Truck on every corner, I can’t root for this team.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? All that said, I’m kinda feeling Mexico’s kits. Viva Mexico!

Who gets out of this Group? Mexico and Germany. They play this Sunday. That’s gonna be an awesome game.

Group G: Belgium, Panama, Tunisia, England

Who is the favorite in this Group? *Dark Horse Alert* Belgium. Belgium has been a “Dark Horse” to win the World Cup since 2006. That said, they have enough talent on their team to win the whole thing. They won’t, but you’re gonna hear a lot of “Watch out for Belgium!” and then they will lose in the quarterfinals.

I don’t know anything about Belgium except they have waffles. That’s okay! And I like where your head is at. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day and waffles are delicious. What you need to know is, their best player is a ginger:

That’s Kevin de Bruyne, or KDB if you want to sound super, duper cool at the bar. He’s an amazing attacking midfielder, and if Mo Salah hadn’t scored like 600 goals this year, would’ve been voted the best player in the Premier League this year. He also kinda looks like Prince Harry, so you can make Royal Wedding jokes too if you want.

For $1000, if I gave you 5 tries, could you locate Tunisia on a map? Not a chance.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? England, if nothing for the schadenfreude.

If you are pining for the 90s-era Red Sox than England is the team for you. Overblown expectations? Check. A team that’s juuuust good enough to make you think those expectations might not be overblown? Check. A press corps that both loves and loathes this team? A press corps that attacks their best player so often and in such a way, that after a while it can only be described as racist? Check. And a team that always manages to lose, in many times tragic fashion? Check.

England is a hot mess. Always has been. Always will be.

The ironic thing is this year’s team is one of their best teams. And their expectations are lower than ever. It’s like everyone in the country has already prepared for not make it out of the group stage. But this team is loaded with a ton of young talent from the best clubs (Man City, United, Tottenham and Liverpool) and got rid of all the old guys (Rooney, Frank Lampard, Stevie G) who were good enough that you had to play them for the national team, but not good enough to win any games. Sound familiar? England, America’s team!

This team feels like it’s got a chance. They were one of the first teams in the world to qualify for the World Cup because they destroyed everyone in their qualifying group. They’re young with a bunch of depth. This definitely means they’ll win all three games in the group stage, not concede a goal and then lose 2-0 to Senegal in the Round of 16.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? England’s red, away uniforms are pretty solid. Their white-on-white, home kits are classy, yet boring. Like everything else in England. Heeyyoo!

Apparently, there’s controversy (which you have to say like a British person: con-TRAV-ersy) where people in England like the teams’ warm up shirts better than their actual uniforms:

This take is wrong because this jersey looks like you spilled Kool-Aid down the front of your shirt. Proving once again that people in England have terrible taste.

Who gets out of this Group? Belgium and England, but I’m not sure in what order. They play on the last day of the Group Stage, Thursday June 28th, which will probably decide who is the higher seed.

Group H: Poland, Senegal, Colombia, Japan

Who is the favorite in this Group? *Dark Horse Alert* Colombia. Last World Cup, James Rodriguez has the goal of the tournament for Colombia:

He basically put that team on his back and brought them to the quarterfinals. Then they lost in the quarterfinals to Brazil, and he cried:

This time, the team around him is better, plus he’s been playing his club games at Real Madrid and Bayern Munich. This is your “could make a lot of noise” team of the 2018 World Cup.

I think I remember that guy crying, but other than that, I know nothing about these teams.That’s okay. If you like goals, this is a group to watch. Poland has Robert Lewandowski, who scored 42 goals for Bayern Munich, the best team in Germany. Sadio Mane plays for Senegal and he scored 23 goals and had 9 assists for Liverpool. Colombia has James, as well as a number of other stars. And Japan has vending machines where you can buy porn.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? I kinda fell in love with Colombia last World Cup, especially after watching that GOLAZO! from James. I’d like to see them make another deep run. It’d be cool to see someone else win besides the same-old, same-olds. Let’s start rooting for Colombia and then if they win, you and I can say you were a fan before everyone else jumped on the bandwagon.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? Poland has gone Color Rush with that white-on-white home and all red away unis. There’s just so much white and red in this tournament that this Poland kit doesn’t give me the same Color Rush boner that other unis do. I’m actually feeling Japan’s “wait, are those fucking polka dots” jerseys.

I wouldn’t say they’re fire, but I’m into it.

Who gets out of this Group? Colombia and Poland. Poland might actually be good? I don’t recognize any other players on their roster (so many W’s, K’s and Z’s!!), but maybe Lewandowski is good enough to score a bunch of goals and keep them alive.

Group Z: Chile, Netherlands, Italy, United States of America

Just kidding, none of these teams made it. But this group would be fun as heck to watch. FIFA is the most corrupt sports organization in the world, and they could pull some strings to let these teams in? Instead, we get to enjoy Saudi Arabia, Iran, Tunisia and Panama tear it up? At least when the NCAA is corrupt as fuck, it lets its most popular teams play in March Madness when they don’t deserve to be there. Almost makes you look past the cheating, bribes, and rape cover ups.

Why did you make me go through all of that with every single group? You asked!!

Fine. Can I make money on the World Cup? What like selling shirts? Oh, you mean gambling! Not really. The odds aren’t really good enough. One of the favorites is going to win. Brazil is 4/1, Germany is 5/1 and France and Spain are both 6/1. But there’s not really a clear cut favorite out of those four. So, it’s kind of a crap shoot with four teams with low odds. Argentina is a medium shot at 10/1, so that isn’t a bad bet. They have Messi and made it to the Final 4 years ago. If you really want a long shot, Colombia at 40/1 isn’t exactly setting your money on fire; It’s more like giving it to a total stranger, telling him to buy something for you and then just watching him walk away, never to be seen again.

What should I drink during the World Cup? Well, the games start at 8am on most days, so coffee. But that’s not fun! (I do love coffee though). Budweiser is the official beer of the World Cup, so go heavy on the Bud Heavies. Be sure to mix in some Bud Light Limes or Oranges if you feel like you’ve wronged someone in your life and want to do penance for it. But let’s switch it up a bit. Here’s what you should drink based on who you’re watching:

  • Mexico: Tecate. Only suckers and gringos drink Corona.
  • Brazil: Caipirinha. It’s basically a mojito but instead of rum they use cachaça (which is very similar) and instead of soda they use more cachaça.
  • Germany: Spaten or Hofbrau. But you have to drink it out of a 2-Liter boot.
  • Spain: A pitcher of sangria. Don’t forget to eat the fruit afterwards. The doctor recommends 4 servings of fruit per day, but they don’t stipulate that it can’t be soaked in booze beforehand.
  • Argentina: A bottle of Malbec and a 14oz steak.
  • France: Kronenbourg 1664. Fun Fact: Kronenbourg has a giant “1664” on the label, to commemorate when the brewery was founded. My uncle told me, in England, you can just say “Gimme a pint of numbers,” and they’ll give you a Kronenbourg. I thought this was the coolest thing in the world when I heard it. I realize now, this is like going into a bar and ordering a “Silver Bullet.” But to be fair, if I told my uncle that’s how we order Coors Light, he’d probably think that was pretty dope.
  • Colombia: Just tons and tons of cocaine.
  • England: London Pride, the UK’s best-selling beer. Plus, it’s Pride Month, so you get points there too.
  • Costa Rica: Imperial Beer. I can’t say this beer will taste good on your couch, but on a beach, ICE-COLD, it’s goddamn delicious.
  • Iceland: Reyka vodka, tons of ice and a scoop of dirt. Get it? Ice and land.

Okay, okay.  Just tell me who wins the whole thing? I don’t really know. It’s a toss up between Germany, France, Brazil and Spain. But also Argentina, Colombia, and Belgium have realistic shots. And Portugal has Ronaldo. But I’m gonna say, fuck it, Brazil’s gonna win. They beat Germany in the Final (Revenge Game!) 2-1.

 

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2018 World Cup Preview!

Hell yes! I will do that! Thanks for suggesting that, totally real, and not at all made up person I have exchanged actual text messages from.

Soccer! Soccer! Soccer! That’s right it’s your favorite globalist-cuck’s favorite sport. The game with a set time limit and 7 rules that somehow more “wussy” than the game where you can call timeouts if the crowd gets too loud. A game where there’s not enough scoring, but a 1-0 baseball game is a “pitcher’s duel.”

The World Cup is such a wonderful time. It’s nice that in such a divided time in our country, we can put our differences behind us, all come together as a nation and root for… Brazil? Fuck!

Since the USA is not in the World Cup, you may not have been paying attention, so here’s a little preview of what’s going down for the next month. And, remember, worst case scenario: there are professional sports on TV starting at 8am everyday for the next 3 weeks.

How about we go Q & A with this preview:

What is the World Cup?  Really?! This is where we’re starting? Ground zero huh? Okay the World Cup is a soccer tournament between 32 teams from around the world.

Is it like March Madness for soccer? Well almost. It’s not a knockout tournament right away. The 32 teams are divided into 8 groups of 4, with each team playing each other team in the group. The two best teams in each group move on. Then it’s a single elimination, knockout tournament.

But unlike March Madness, there are games on EVERYDAY starting this Thursday until mid-July.

Why is it called the World Cup? Because it involves the whole World, dummy.

In my defense, the World Series doesn’t involve the whole World. This is a fair point, and I won’t hold it against you.

So you get, like, a huge cup, right? Like the Stanley Cup? See this is why I’m not holding the “World Series” thing against you, because the World Cup trophy is not cup shaped. Which is dumb, because all trophies should be able to be drunk from. Especially if you use the word “Cup” in your tournament title.

I think the old version used to be a cup:

But then they stuck a globe in it to make it really on the nose. Get it? It’s the World… in a Cup!

Who’s singing the halftime show? Oh you thought you’d get me with this one right? There’s no halftime show, but there is an official anthem:

Banger! Sounds like the song of the summer to me. And you were not mistaken. That was one, Willard Carroll Smith Jr. bringing back Big Willie Style on the world’s stage for the 2018. The whole world is watchin’, so let’s get this poppin’! Are you fired up?!

No. Tell me more about these groups. Will do!

Group A: Russia, Saudi Arabia, Egypt, Uruguay

Is this the Group of Death? No, unless you watch any matches from this Group, then you will feel like you are dead. This group is garbo.

Does this group have someone who bites people? What an oddly specific question. The answer is yes:

That’s Luis Suarez after he bit an Italian player on the shoulder during the last World Cup. Or as he puts it “I lost my balance … hit my face against the player, leaving a small bruise on my cheek and a strong pain in my teeth.” Almost convincing!

Suarez was suspended because you could see the teeth marks in the guy’s shoulder. But the best part is, aside from the fact that Suarez has the biggest teeth on the planet, is that he has been suspended for biting other players TWO OTHER TIMES! He should be rolled onto the pitch with a face guard like Hannibal Lecter.

Who is the favorite in this Group? Uruguay. How excited are you to hear a bunch of Americans say “Oooroogwhy” for two weeks? You don’t roll your R’s every time you order a burrito from Chipotle, so please cool it on trying to sound authentic. Uruguay is lead by a two headed attack of Suarez and Edinson Cavani. Suarez scored 32 goals for Barcelona last year, and Cavani scored 38 for PSG. They’re also fun because Suarez is a nutball and Cavani is every ounce of a primadonna as he looks:

Let the meltdowns and infighting commence!

Wait, if Russia stinks, how are they seeded in this Group? Well, they’re the host country, so you get an automatic placement in one of the groups. That’s right, get ready for Fox to spend 4 weeks telling us Russia is a nice place to visit and trying to pretend they didn’t meddle in our election.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? Can I interest you in a fun-loving, happy-go-lucky, fast-as-fuck, goal-scoring Egyptian?

Rooting for Mo Salah and Egypt is the right thing to do.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? Have you been jonesing for some Color Rush since football ended? Well Saudi Arabia is here to give you your fix:

Fucking Clean! Both Home and Away Color Rush! I love it. Saudi Arabia’s team isn’t good, but like I always say: If you’re gonna be trash, may as well look good doing it. I also love that Nike was like, “What’s that NFL on FOX? You think you’re too good for Color Rush now that you have Thursday Night Football? Well, we’re going to put every single team we have in Color Rush for the World Cup. Enjoy Color Rush June!”

Who gets out of this group? Uruguay and Russia have the best odds. Uruguay will walk, but I like Egypt better than Russia. It’s totally possible that Mo Salah has 3 goals and an assist in the group stage and Egypt goes 2-0-1. If I were a betting man, Egypt’s odds to win the group at 7/1 would seem pretty tasty to me (as well as their 7/4 odds to simply get out of the group). That said, this is Russia we’re talking about, and they’re the host team. I wouldn’t put it past Putin to poison 45 members of the referees’ families and have a team of hackers fuck with the instant replay feed.

Group B: Portugal, Spain, Morocco, Iran

Is this the Group of Death? Nah, Morocco and Iran are trash.

Who is the favorite in this Group? Spain. I feel like I’m not hearing enough about Spain. I hear about Brazil, Germany, France and Argentina, but there’s not too much about Spain. I think since they used to be the best team in the world for about 4 years but then crashed out of the last World Cup in such spectacular fashion (and lost in the quarterfinals of the last Euros), everybody’s writing them off. But they are still stacked with Barcelona and Real Madrid players, including their best defenders, and have the best goalkeeper in the world. (That’s not hyperbole. This isn’t Lebron vs. MJ. David De Gea is the GGOAT. Get it??) Spain can easily make it to the quarterfinals and if De Gea is standing on his head, they could win the whole thing.

Who is this Ronaldo guy? Is he even that good? Yes. Very much yes. He’s 33 and seems to be losing a step, which of course means he only scored 48 goals for club and country this year. Ronaldo used to dominate games, now his teams hang around and hang around, then he scores a goal in the 80th minute. Guaranteed this will happen twice in the World Cup and they win games they have no business winning.

And what’s with his obsession with his abs? I have no idea. I imagine if I had abs like that I’d show them off all the time too. Maybe I wouldn’t though. I am pretty #humble, afterall.

Did you say he has frosted tips but with curly hair? Yes. Apparently he’s cut it off for the World Cup. But this look was so bad, it needs to be mentioned.

Look, I don’t care how good looking you are, how much money you make, or how hot your wife is, this look should never happen. (Quickly moves on before anyone reminds me that Tom Brady once had this haircut)

Are any uniforms in this group fire? You could talk me into Spain but I’m not sold. Between Portugal, Morocco and Iran, there is a lot of red & green in this group.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? I don’t know, if you have Portuguese roots, then sure, go ahead and root for Portugal. But they play really shitty football (see “hang around” comment above). Otherwise, leave work early on Friday and enjoy the Spain-Portugal match because it’s gonna be a good one, and then forget about this group.

Who gets out of this group? Spain and Portugal. Not close. Thanks for coming Iran and Morocco.

Group C: France, Australia, Peru, Denmark

Is this Group of Death? Nope. But this group is actually better than it looks though. France has enough firepower to possibly win the whole thing. Peru and Denmark are ranked 11 & 12 in the world, so it’s gonna be a fight between the two of them to see who comes out of this group. And Australia… is where kangaroos live.

Peru and Denmark? Yeah. Just proving we have so much further to go as a soccer country when we can’t qualify but a country  known for inventing a pastry and a country being famous for having llamas can. Denmark has a player, Christian Eriksson, who also plays for Tottenham, and has never seen a 35-yard shot he doesn’t like. Threat of a golazo from 40 yards out is always fun.

Who is the favorite in this Group? France. And they’re definitely good enough to win the whole thing. They’re absolutely stacked upfront with some of the best strikers in the world (Griezmann, Mbappe and Dembele) and a pretty solid midfield as well. This team’s gonna score a lot of goals.

Does anyone in this group have an interesting goal celebration? I’m so glad you asked. Antoine Griezmann’s answers the question of what would it look like if you combined Smashmouth with the dance from “It”.

I have no idea what this dance means or how he came up with it. It’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever seen and I love every minute of it. I need someone from the NBA to steal this and do it every time they dunk on someone.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? Yes, the French kits are clean!

I didn’t think heathered jerseys would work, but it does. Give me more heathered jerseys. I must have them.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? I think France has the potential to be a lot of fun to watch. Goals are fun right?

Who gets out of this group? France obviously. Then it’s a toss up between Denmark and Peru. I happened to go to a Gold Cup match at Gillette two summers ago (no big deal) and saw Peru beat Brazil. They looked feisty. Based off of the one game I saw Peru play two years ago and having seen Denmark play exactly zero times, I think Peru will be the other team to qualify.

Group D: Argentina, Iceland, Croatia, Nigeria

Please tell me this is the Group of Death? It is! Argentina qualified for the World Cup on the very last day of qualification, so they’re one of the lower ranked, top-tier teams. Iceland made it to the quarterfinals of at the 2016 Euros. Croatia is ranked 20th in the world and has two of the best midfielders in the world (Modric and Rakitic). And Nigeria… has the best uniforms in the tournament.

Who is the favorite in this Group? Argentina. Any team that has this guy is gonna be the favorite:

That’s that Messi guy. I heard he’s good or something? If by “something” you mean that best in the world and possibly ever? Then yes, he’s “good or something.” Saying Messi is good at soccer is like saying Tom Brady is “good at playing quarterback” it’s true, but also not true enough. My favorite thing about Messi is he walks around the field all nonchalantly for long periods of time, but then when the ball comes close to him, he goes from 0-60 instantly, has a perfect touch on the ball and finds the perfect place to go with it.

Okay, since America is not playing in the World Cup, is there a team I should root for in this group? Can I interest you in a Skol clap? You know, the clap that starts really slow and you shout “HUUUU!!!” everytime you clap, then you clap faster and faster? You know the thing they do at Vikings games and then other teams stole it because it’s cool.

Well you know where it comes from? Actual motherfucking Vikings! Here is what looks like the entire country of Iceland doing with the Iceland National Team:

Once again the midwest has ruined another thing that’s cool. And you think it’s a joke that they’re actual Vikings, its not. Here are some of the names of Iceland players: Hannes Halldorsson, Runar Runarsson, Holmar Eyjolfsson, Hordur Magnusson, Birkir Bjarnason, and Bjorn Sigurdarson. How can you not root for something that silly and ridiculous? I feel like the Iceland national team is going to come into my house and steal my tv, my refrigerator, and my fiancé, and I’ll kinda have to be okay with all of it.

Also, you should root for Messi to win a World Cup because he’s probably the best to ever do it and his country gives him shit because they haven’t won. He doesn’t deserve that.

Are any uniforms in this group fire? Yes, all the teams in this group have great unis. Let’s start with Argentina, who’s classic blue and white stripes have been some of the best kits of all time. And their away all black uniforms are pretty fresh too.

By the way, on the right is Angel Di Maria, who, as Boom Boom points out, is one of those rare great soccer players who also happens to be an extreme uggo. I hope I am neither of those things, as I already know I’m not a great soccer player, but Boom Boom has yet to confirm whether or not I’m an uggo.

Next, we have Iceland who has a strong look.

Then there’s Croatia, who if I told you that their jerseys looked like a picnic table, you’d tell me those shits looked terrible. But you’d be wrong. For some reason the check pattern works.

Any of these kits would be the best uniform in any other group, but no uniform can win compared to Nigeria’s.

This shit is Fiyaaaaaaaahhhh!

Squiggly lime-green stripes, with other squiggly blue lines on the sleeves shouldn’t work. But fuck me, they do!! And then they go Color Rush for the away kit. Let’s go Nigeria!

The Seattle Seahawks should adopt this as their new uniform.

Who gets out of this Group? Argentina and probably Croatia. But it’s boring to go chalk, so let’s say Nigeria. Everyone else is gonna be intimidated by those unis and Nigeria will get a couple wins.

 

This is fun, but can we take a break? Yeah, I’m getting tired too. Let’s pick this up tomorrow. Groups E, F, G, & H tomorrow.


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Emergency “I’m not freaking out about Tom Brady’s thumb” Post

Some thoughts now that Tom Brady has been upgraded on the injury report to “questionable” for Sunday’s Conference Championship Game.

  • HOLYFUCKINGSHITOHMYGODNOPLEASESHITGODDAMMITNOPLEASEUHOHGODDAMMITNONONONONONOSHITNO
  • Belichick loves to mess with the injury report. Brady has been questionable like 40 times and never missed a game
  • NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • Tom Brady could beat the entire league left handed
  • I do not want to see him try
  • Look at this shit eating grin. There’s no way he’s THAT hurt: Screen Shot 2018-01-19 at 4.56.22 PM.png
  • I’ve secretly been scared of Jacksonville as the playoffs got closer and closer. I’ve had those, “This may sound stupid but Jacksonville has the type of defense and running game that can beat the Pats” conversations with… well, just myself, but I was very convincing.
  • But then I remember Blake Bortles
  • Look how worried he looks in this picture though:

  • We still have four awesome running backs. FOUR
  • OHMYGODTHISSUCKSOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
  • This will be fine
  • throw-up-gif-17.gif
  • It would make sense that, in a year where a dozen of the league’s most exciting players, on the eve of the Conference Championship games, Conference Championship games that feature Nick Foles, Case Keenum and Blake Bortles, the league’s most famous player would get hurt and we’d get to watch Brian Hoyer instead.
  • On the bright side, if Tom Brady doesn’t play on Sunday, and the Pats lose, I will have the best, most stress-free Super Bowl Sunday. I will cook and eat all of the wings. I will have both Morning Beer and Shower Beer and then have all of the other beers after that. I will buy like 14 squares. I will gamble on the coin flip. I will get hammered and end up going to bed right after Justin Timberlake shows me a titty during the halftime show.

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2017 Toppa Bowl Champions

Champions Again!

JD_ChampsAgain.pngTiger’s Wood defeats Finding Foerster 130.85 to 101.65 in Toppa Bowl VII to become the first ever back-to-back James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League champion.

Twice as Nice

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I guess defense really does win championships. The Los Angeles Chargers defense put up 20 points against the Jets early Sunday afternoon. Kwon Alexander added another 10 points, which was enough to put JD up by 30 at that point. From there, JD never looked back to become 2017 Toppa League champion.

Dynasty?

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Could JD be the best Toppa player ever? JD has now been to 4 Toppa Bowls in a row, 5 total, and won the last two. He has the highest winning percentage in league history, has the most wins in league history, is the only team to have 50 regular-season wins, is tied for the most Toppa Bowl championships and has never missed the playoffs.

Turnt Up

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Tiger’s Wood knew how to turn it on for the playoffs. JD’s team averaged 164.13 points per game in their three playoff matchups. They didn’t lose a game by less than 30. A lot of that came from Kareem Hunt, who hadn’t scored in double digits in 6 weeks coming into the playoffs, but scored 83 total points in his three playoff games.

Déjà Vu All Over Again

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After losing in a blowout in Toppa Bowl VI, Buckets established himself as the best team in the 2017 season, winning 10 games and securing the number one seed. He won his first two playoff matchups by scoring 328 total points in two games. He found himself once again up against JD in the Toppa Bowl. And once again, he didn’t have enough to defeat JD. Buckets has got to be thinking what can he do to beat JD.

JD Scores Buckets

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In a year when scoring had been down across the league, JD’s 130.85 points was the lowest winning score in Toppa Bowl history. It was more than enough though. Buckets put up the third lowest score of any team to play in the Toppa Bowl. He now owns the lowest and third-lowest scores in Toppa Bowl history.

1 Championship, 2 Championships, …

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Last year was about breaking the curse. This year was about establishing dominance. “Last year was awesome,” JD said to a reporter. “But this year is almost better. This year shut up all the critics. Silenced the haters. They thought it was a fluke. But this proves it’s not. And there’s no reason why we can’t go out and win it again next year. The best championship is the next one.”

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Congrats JD. You played one hell of a season start to finish.

Well, that’s one more Toppa League SZN in the books. I for one am already looking forward to next year’s cookout and draft.

Have a happy New Year everybody and, as always, thanks for reading (and enjoying?) this trash I put on the internet.


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2017 PowerRanks – Toppa Bowl Preview

Well, we’ve reached the end of the Fantasy Football SZN and that means it’s time to give out the Dog Shits of the Year.

2017 Dog Shits of the Year

 

Before we start, let me just say that injuries are not factored into the 2017 DSOY awards, as those aren’t the fault of the players who get hurt. but for the players below, it was very much their fault how much they sucked. But before we get into the 2017 All-Dog Shit team, let us remember a few of the players who got hurt this year and ruined our fantasy season:

*Sniff* *Sniff* It’s just so sad. Okay on to the 2017 All-Dog Shit team:

QB: Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan didn’t score 30 points once this year. He only scored more than 25 points twice. He didn’t reach the passing bonus in a single game. He didn’t have more than 2 TDs in a single game. Last year he was 60 yards short of 5000 yards passing. This year he was 500 yards short of 4000. Oh yeah, and he was the number 1 player in all of fantasy last year. This year he was 63rd.

Runner Up: Drew Brees – He wasn’t awwwwwful, but as the second QB off the draftboard at the top of the 3rd round, JBiggs was thinking he’d get better production than the 10th QB in fantasy.

RB1: Jay Ajayi

Jay Ajayi was the 10th overall pick. He scored only 1 TD all year.

RB2: DeMarco Murray

If you take out the two games where Murray put up 28 and 25 points, he averaged only 6.45 points per game. He only had two other TDs this season outside of those two games and he only had 5 total. He had twice that amount last year, and was the fourth ranked RB in fantasy.

Runner Up: Mike Gillislee – Remember when Gillislee scored 3 TDs in Week 1 and looked like LeGarrette Blount 2.0? Neither does Bill Billicheck. The 22.50 points Gillislee put up in Week 1 accounted for almost half of his season’s points. After a decent-ish Week 2, getting 69 (nice) yards and a TD, he put up 3, 4, 5, 1, 3, and 3 points. He never carried the ball again.

WR1: Mike Evans

Last year Evans had 1300 yards and 12 TDs and was the second ranked WR in fantasy. Because of that, Micho took him 9th overall. This year, Mike Evans never had 100 yards receiving in a game and only scored 5 TDs. Last year Evans was the 40th overall player in fantasy. This year, he’s the 140th.

WR2: Amari Cooper

Last year, Amari Cooper went for over 1100 yards and 5 TDs. This year, Amari Cooper basically forgot how to catch the ball. He failed to break 100 fantasy points on the year, and if you take away the freak 200-yard game, he scored 3 points a game.

WR3: Jordy Nelson

No one missed A.A.Ron more than Jordy. Except maybe Timmy. After Rodgers got hurt, Jordy scored 7.00, 1.30, 3.50, 2.00, 2.40, 1.10, 1.70, 3.30 and 3.80. That’s insane. He was the number 1 scoring WR in fantasy last year. He hasn’t even scored 20 total points in the last 8 weeks.

Runner Up: Dez Bryant – Remember when Dez was super good? Wasn’t Frankendez a thing? He’s not even the best receiver on his own team anymore.

TE: All of them (Except Gronk and Travis Kelce).

Tight ends in fantasy are more random and more infuriating than kickers. JeffWho, please once again explain to me why you want to have our flex position also include tight end. Because I’d rather not play one at all. And you want to play TWO!?

The number 7 tight end in fantasy didn’t even score 100 points all year. Evan Engram was the number 4 tight end in all of fantasy. Wanna know some of his league leading stats? Week 1 through Week 5: 4.40, 10.90, 4,50, 6.20, and 0.00. That’s some DEVASTATION right there. His highest point total of the seasons was 15.90 points. LEAGUE WIDE DOMINANCE. I’d rather play another IDP next year than play a fucking tight end.

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This Week’s Level: Look at all this bullshit all over the floor! Yeah, but I cleaned up this little tiny corner over here.

Quick little update I read about Russell Wilson when you click on his little note on Yahoo!:

The Seahawks have been fined $100,000 for failing to follow the concussion protocol with Russell Wilson in Week 10.
Advice: “There was a failure in the application,” the NFL and NFLPA concluded after a joint review. In addition to the fine, both the coaching and medical staffs will be required to attend “remedial training regarding the protocol.” It hasn’t been usual for the Seahawks to push boundaries during the Pete Carroll era. Their handling of the Wilson situation was so flagrant that the league had to act.

So apparently they took my advice and have started to fine teams for not following the concussion protocol. And they send you to school!! Oooooo, that’ll show em! So they totally did this for the Tom Savage concussion too, who is out for the season, right? Right?

Playoff Recap

Oh wasn’t this exciting? We got two enormous blowouts which resulted in a rematch from last year’s Toppa Bowl. Neat.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster 150.75
#6 FuseLitHugeDick 105.90

Well A.A.Ron came back and while he wasn’t his old, dominant self, he put up quality numbers for Timmy (30.80 points). Unfortunately for Timmy, none of his wide receivers or running backs showed this week. Those six players combined for just 21.50 points, including zero points from Marquise Lee.

Buckets’ team, on the other hand, performed on all sides of the ball. He had 7 players score in double digits, including Matt Stafford, scoring 24.75 points, and getting 21.00 points from the Jacksonville defense. He also didn’t have a single player score under 7 points.

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Tiger’s Wood 195.50
#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 109.50

This one was over before it started. Look at this:

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By the time the early games started on Sunday, JD was already up 82 to 13. JD got 63.50 points from Melvin Gordon and Kareem Hunt on Saturday night, which you would think would be enough to seal the deal, but #Nick actually got 52 points from his running backs, Devonta Freeman and LeSean McCoy. But JD also got 50.30 combined points from his wide receivers, whereas #Nick got 9. JD’s 195.20 point is the highest point total for a Conference Championship game in Toppa League history and the 5th highest point total in the playoffs ever.

Toppa Bowl VII

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

Well it’s the matchup everybody’s been waiting for. And by everybody, I mean nobody.

Previous Matchup: Oh. Well, this is a little exciting. In Week 6, Buckets beat JD by just 1.8 points (111.10 to 109.30). Of course, in a game where both teams barely manage to combine for 200 points, there’s not much scoring to highlight. It really was a pretty close matchup. Both teams’ QBs scored similar points (Matt Stafford: 22.00 points, Phillip Rivers: 19.00 points). Both got roughly 30 points from their special teams (Kicker, Defense plus two IDPs). In the end, JD got a bad day from his wide receivers and Buckets had one receiver, Davante Adams with 11.40 points, who didn’t.

Of course, this isn’t the only previous matchup of note. Last year, JD and Buckets met in Toppa Bowl VI. JD came in as the 7-seed beating Micho and Woody along the way. Buckets was a magical 8-seed, defeating my 11-2 team #1-seed, and then beating JBiggs in the East Lot Conference Championship Game. Coming into the Toppa Bowl, the game was a PICK, as a #7-seed playing a #8-seed seemed like an evenly matched game where anything could happen. But the matchup itself was not that exciting. JD blew out Buckets 172.20 to 95.60. It was the biggest blowout in Toppa Bowl history. JD finally buried his demons after previously making it to 3 Toppa Bowls and losing each one.

Key Players: Let’s see how each team matches up at each position.

Quarterback: Russell Wilson vs. Matt Stafford. Russell Wilson is the best player in fantasy, but he had his worst week since Week 1, with only 13 points. Of course, he was playing the Rams defense last week, and has the Cowboys mediocre defense this week. Buckets is really missing the Carson Wentz right now. The Wentz Wagon is still the 3rd best player in all of fantasy and he didn’t even play last week. Instead, Buckets has to rely on Matt Stafford, who has been, um, reliable? He’s been the 9th best QB all year, and the Lions are somehow fighting for a playoff spot, so they may try to win big against a Cincinnati team who has quit on their coach, who has, in turn, quit on his team. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Wide Receivers: Well, considering both teams are currently starting a Jacksonville receiver that I’ve never heard of, it’s not a stretch to say that neither team has a real strong receiving corps. In fact, you could say that they’re more like receiving corpses!! Get it?!?! I chalk JuJu’s 19.40-point performance last week to a fluke play and *cough* bad defense *cough*. I also can’t believe JD isn’t starting Marquise Goodwin whose now thriving since having the most handsome man in football throwing him the ball. The best receiver in this matchup is Michael Thomas, for Buckets, who has double digit fantasy points and a touchdown in each of his last three games. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Outta Nowhere Dominant Running Back: Kareem Hunt vs. Kenyon Drake. Drake has 75.90 points in his last three games. Kareem Hunt has 72.70. Recency bias had me thinking this was going to be close but Hunt was going to take it, but lately Drake has been the better player. And they’re matched up against each other this weekend as Miami takes on the Chiefs at Arrowhead. That game could determine the Toppa Bowl winner. Edge: Push

Other Running Back: Melvin Gordon vs. Jay Ajayi. We covered Ajayi above. But in case you didn’t read it, which, ouch, but he’s sucked this year. Especially since he got traded to the Eagles. Melvin Gordon, has very much not sucked this year. He’s the 6th ranked RB in fantasy this year, averaging 15.5 points per game. He also gets to play the Jets this week. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Tight End: Ugggghhhh. Again with this position?! Evan Engram vs. Greg Olsen. So Engram is the number 4 TE in fantasy, as I mentioned earlier. He’s gotten double digit fantasy points in 2 of the last 3 weeks. Greg Olsen has been hurt most of the year, but he’s finally getting healthy. Olsen had 116 yards and a TD last week in his first week back at full strength. I don’t know, if either of these guys catches a touchdown, it’s a good game. Edge: Push

Flex: I’d rather not compare Latavius Murray and Duke Johnson Jr. They are literally the 140th and 141st ranked players in fantasy. Moving on. Edge: Push

Kicker: Nope. Not doing this one either.

Defense: Buckets has the Jacksonville Jaguars who are the number 1 scoring defense in fantasy. They have 305 points this season, which is actually the 16th best player in fantasy. They’ve only scored under 20 points six times this year. However, JD’s LA Chargers defense is surprisingly good as well. They’re the 5th ranked defense in fantasy and get to catch passes from Bryce Petty all day on Sunday.

As for IDPs, JD has the name recognition with Bobby Wagner and Sean Lee, but both are on the injury report this week. Buckets has gone the route of playing consistent linebackers on shitty teams, playing Reuben Foster from San Francisco and Joe Schobert of Cleveland. Neither player has a really dominant game all season, but both are averaging 8 to 9 points per game in the last 4 weeks. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Well it looks like the edge here is going to JD as the favorite. Could we have our first ever back-to-back champion?

JD and Buckets set your lineups. Ignore your wives and kids on Christmas Eve and pray to the altar of Chris Hansen. It’s Toppa Bowl VII. Finding Foerster vs. Tiger’s Wood. Buckets vs. JD. Can Buckets continue to ride the momentum of his crucial mid-year name change? Will he be spitting bars of a victory rap on draft night? Or will JD defend his title? Who will get their face Photoshopped onto the NCAA Women’s National Championship team?

And let me be the first to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


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2017 PowerRanks – Conference Championship Preview

At least I made it to the playoffs. This week’s playoff matchups were pretty crazy. In a year when the weekly team average score was 10 points less than the last 5 years, this week’s 4 winning teams scored an average of 173 points. My team did not score 173 points. Plus I broke my phone on Sunday. Not a good weekend.

Tonight’s game features the 4-9 Denver Broncos traveling to Indianapolis to play the 3-10 Colts (+2.5). This is a truly, truly terrible game. You’re better off stabbing yourself in the eyes so that you don’t accidentally watch a minute of this game. Not even the fact that these teams will be in all of their ColorRush glory helps; The Broncos will be wearing all orange with the old school “D” decal on their helmets:

Meanwhile the Colts will be in all blue:

And as great as the sight of these uniforms will be, you will still have to watch some ugly, ugly, awful football. My recommendation is to not watch this game, BUT if you have to, I think I’ve come up with a way to make this more tolerable. I present to you the Week 15 Thursday Night Football Drinking Game:

  • If you have a fantasy player starting in this game: finish your drink
  • Everyone in the room has to guess what channel the game is on, and the first person to guess it correctly doesn’t have to drink while everyone else takes a drink
  • Everyone in the room has to take a drink if anyone can figure out how to watch this game on Amazon
  • Trevor Siemian throws an interception: take a drink
  • Paxton Lynch throws an interception: take 2 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler puts his helmet on: take 3 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws a pass: take 4 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws an interception: finish your drink
  • Brock Osweiler leads a game winning drive: finish your drink, take out another drink and shotgun it
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about Tom Brady: take a drink
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about delicious brisket: take two drinks
  • Cris Collinsworth goes, “I tell you what…”: take a drink
  • Shot of Andrew Luck: take a drink
  • Mention of key injuries around the league: take a drink
  • A commercial starring an injured NFL player: take a drink if Aaron Rodgers, take two drinks if anyone else
  • “Dilly dilly” is said: take a drink
  • That commercial with the doofus wearing the Raiders sweater to the Chiefs family dinner: take drink
  • That Toyota commercial about cutting the tree down that those old people carved their initials into, and then they turn it into a table for those old people and shit gets all weeps: drink the entire time that commercial plays because fuck that commercial
  • Vance Joseph is fired mid-game: finish your drink
  • Either team scores a touchdown: take two drinks
  • Neither team has scored a touchdown at halftime: finish your drink, then finish another one by the time the 3rd quarter begins
  • Micho texts during the game: take a drink
  • JD texts during the game: take a drink
  • Buckets texts during the game: drink all of the drinks
  • Mike Pence is at the game: finish your drink
  • Mike Pence says he’s at the game, but uses the photo from two years ago when he was actually at the game: take three drinks
  • One of those complicated, multiple team member touchdown celebrations: take 4 drinks
  • Someone goes into the concussion protocol and then comes right back into the game: take your drink, slam it into your head multiple times to give yourself a concussion, then finish your drink

This Week’s Level: What’s bullshit? I can’t remember. Wait, where am I? Are you my mom?

Speaking of the concussion protocol, here’s a free tip for the NFL on how to improve the game. I call it the “Now, I’m not a doctor…” guy. What you need is a guy. A regular guy. A guy who is not a doctor but of reasonable intelligence. Whenever there is a big hit, this guy watches the replay on TV. This guy’s job is to come over to the pop-up blue tent and give his analysis of watching the hit on TV. For example, he might say: “Now, I’m not a doctor, but his body went limp when those two guys hit him directly in the head.” The team doctor’s opinion is still valid, but this guy’s opinion has weight too. “Well his head hit the ground and he started convulsing like he’d been shot with a stun gun. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think he should play anymore.”

You know what we should do, start fucking fining the teams for putting guys with concussions back on the field. Coaches, owners, team doctors, all of em. This is getting a little fucking gross.

Dog Shit of the Week

That random, extremely selfish and self-centered woman on the train on Monday. So there was a bomb in Port Authority on Monday. And this is what life in New York City has become, you can start discussions on about terrorism nonchalantly. Anyway, thankfully this guy was a moron, who tried to build a bomb using Pinterest and DIY.com, and blew himself up in the process. I’m hoping he ends up looking like JPP for the rest of his life. But the result of this failed bombing, was that every subway train in NYC was either fucked or extremely fucked.

I knew my morning commute was gonna be a shitshow, so I left early, giving myself plenty of time for whatever bullshit I was going to experience on the train. Turns out, I played it right. There was a train pulling into the station right as I got there, but then that train stayed at the station for about 10 minutes, due to an “investigation.” On a day that a bomb goes off, by all means, please investigate all you want.

Since the trains were all kinds of fucked, my train was more packed than Boom Boom’s suitcase for a weekend away (AYYYOOOHH!). And look, the train sucks when it’s that jammed. On a normal day if my subway car is packed, I spend my whole ride staring daggers at the back of the little old lady’s head in front of me because she won’t stop hitting me with her purse and I know she’s got some Werther’s in there and if she’d just give me one, I’d feel so much better, but she won’t, that fucking old bitch. But on that day, a bomb went off, I figured we’d all be like, “Well these are some pretty extenuating circumstances. We’re all in this together” but no. Everyone was just their regular, annoyed selves.

My favorite example of this was when I was reading what this woman texting her friend over her shoulder. Usually I wouldn’t do this (just kidding, I do this all the time), but usually I try to not to read someone’s entire conversation because it makes me a creeper, but since I was so squished, her phone was literally right in my face and I was physically unable to turn away.

So, her friend was super concerned saying something like, “OMG a bomb went off in Port Authority. This is scary. There [sic] checking around the area for blocks. This is crazy”

And the woman in front of me, replies:

“I know, there were no cabs anywhere”

“The train is a nightmare”

“Lyft was 350% surge pricing”

“I hate everyone”

And, then again for good measure:

“No cabs!”

I’m glad she was able to take the fact that a bomb fucking exploded and make it all about how much it was inconveniencing her.
Also, what are you in such a rush for at 9:30 in the morning that you couldn’t be late for? “Bomb” is literally the best excuse for being late, like, I dunno, ever. Late for work? Bomb. You’re good. Late for school? Bomb. No homework. The most important thing I can think of being late for is an interview, and if you were to use the bomb excuse, not only will they completely understand, I’m pretty sure they’ll just give you the job.

So congratulations selfish lady on the train, you had to take the subway to work one day this week, like the rest of us poor, unfortunate souls and for that, you’re the Dog Shit of the Week.

Playoff Recap

#1 Finding Foerster 177.85
#8 BigBrendoBrand 162.00

Shoulda grabbed the over. Timmy’d be buying me drinks at Specks for what I can imagine would be all night. If I win even 20 bucks that has to be like 3 or 4 pitchers of beer right?

Brendo put up a good fight. Case Keenum scored 28 points, DeAndre Hopkins scored 30.90 points, and Leonard Fournette scored 24.90 points. Unfortunately, his defense didn’t show up as Houston, Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram only combined for 16.50 points.

Buckets’ team was just too strong this week. Carson Wentz scored 39.15 points, which is crazy considering he got hurt that game. Michael Thomas, Davante Adams and Kenyon Drake all had 20 or more points. Buckets ended up putting up the 10th best total score for a Quarterfinal playoff game.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 169.80
#7 CheesyGorditaCrunch 137.95

Well, even though both of the top teams were what I would call a “soft 10-3,” they proved they were deserved to be the top two seeds.

#Maini put a 30-point beatdown on JBiggs, thanks mostly to 49.90 points from Dak Prescott. He also got 29.60 points from LeSean McCoy, who somehow rushed for 156 yards, even though he was wearing snowshoes.

JBiggs got a good performance out of Le’Veon Bell (30.50 points) and a decent effort from Drew Brees (23.75 points), but had a couple terrible performances, including 4 yards from Jermaine Kearse and zero points from Amari Cooper.

Speaking of snow, is there anything better than football in the snow? I’m sure everyone’s being saying it. Like, I bet the people on SportsCenter read about it on Twitter, so they talked about it during the show so they could pretend to be cool. I kept wanting RedZone to go back to that game just because football in the snow is so fucking cool. It will make anyone walking by the TV stop in their tracks and start watching. They should pump snow in for this shitty Broncos-Colts game. I would watch that.

#6 FuseLitHugeDick 180.15
#3 Spoiler Alert 104.95

The Dick is huuuuuuuuuuge right now! This blowout was so big I may have to get a sponsor for it…. [Opens Incognito Window] This week’s Biggest Playoff Blowout is sponsored by Lush by Lovense, the app controlled vibrator. That’s right ladies, give your boyfriend the ability to control your vibrator from his phone. Now he can try too hard and not satisfy you when in bed with you AND when he’s away from home.

Everything went wrong for Vegas this week. He came into this matchup as the top scoring team in the league, but he didn’t have Ezekiel Elliott (suspended for being a misogynist asshole) or Gronk (suspended for being a meathead idiot). Vegas got a great game from Antonio Brown, who had 200 yards receiving, but that was the only player on his team who had a good game. He had nine players in single digits, and his quarterback, Derek Carr, only had 14.55 points.

Timmy, on the other hand, put up the 8th highest quarterfinal score in Toppa League history. He had eight players in double digits. His defense (Dallas, Deion Jones, and Lavonte David) combined to score just under 50 points, and Jamaal Williams tacked on 23.80 points for good measure.

#4 Tiger’s Wood 166.05
#5 PowerFranks Gore 134.35

Here I’d like to pinpoint the exact moment I lost this matchup:

Here’s a different angle:

That’s 4 minutes into the first game of the fantasy playoffs, my best player getting speared in the head. My team never really recovered. My team put in a decent effort; I had nine players in double digits, including 25.50 points from Todd Gurley. Unfortunately, my favorite quarterback, Kirk Cousins played the game of his life, with a stellar 151 yards passing, 1 TD and 1 interception. Just kidding. He sucks. I hope Kirk Cousins gets no Christmas presents.

JD had a great week from Russell Wilson, who continues to be the best player in fantasy, scoring 37.55 points. The 26.55 points from Kareem Hunt didn’t hurt either. That figures since on draft day, I took Spencer Ware, whomst I didn’t know had exploded his knee, and then JD took Hunt with the very next pick.

It’s okay though. Boom Boom is only a couple points back in her ladies dinner pick ‘em league. I’m throwing all my rooting interest behind her. She’s gonna take the crown this year, and I’m gonna get those leftovers. #TeamDoggieBag

Props Over Here:

  • Kirk Cousins >300 yards passing now that my team no longer relies on him: Yes (-400) / No (+350)
  • Minutes I watch of Broncos-Colts: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Tom Brady >300 yards passing: Yes (-300) / No (+250)
  • Patriots team rushing yards: 200 yards Over (-200) / Under (+140)
  • Miller Lites drank by Woody during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-110) / Under (+120)
  • Miller Lites drank by #Nick during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-800) / Under (+1000)
  • I get my Christmas shopping done by the end of this weekend: Yes (+300) / No (-265)
  • Timmy has started his Christmas shopping by the end of this weekend: Yes (+900) / No (-1200)

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

We’ve got a matchup between the last two Toppa League champions. JD is now the highest scoring team left in the playoffs and is looking to make it back to the Toppa Bowl for the 4th year in a row. But #Nick is still riding that #MainiMagic.

Previous Matchup: JD and #Nick didn’t meet until Week 11 of the season, and JD beat #Nick 155.10 to 141.85. JD got 40.50 from Russell Wilson and 32.00 points from the LA Chargers defense. #Nick had amazing days from Keenan Allen and LeSean McCoy, both scoring 30+ points, but he got negative points from Dak Prescott and Austin Hooper (-0.75 and -0.10, respectively), and only 0.70 from Taylor Gabriel as well.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who scored the most points in fantasy last week. Keenan Allen, who had emerged as a monster the last 4 weeks. Over that time, he has 547 yards receiving and 4 TDs. He’s the number 2 wide receiver in fantasy across that span, second only to Antonio Brown. LeSean McCoy, who had 29.20 points last week and is matched up against the Miami defense who has given up 11 double-digit-scoring RBs.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who somehow scored 37 points last week even though he ony threw for 270 yards and had 3 picks. Not bitter. At all. Kareem Hunt, who may have gotten his early season mojo back. JuJu Smith-Schuster, whose 36.30 point week in Week 8 is looking more like an outlier. He only had one other week all year with double-digit fantasy points, and that was just 10 points. But this week, he’s going up against a Pats defense that I never really, ever doubted, but if I were to doubt them, I would say, maybe the defense was never really that good and they just played a bunch of really bad teams and they have a ton of injuries and if I were the type to worry about the Pats defense I would be worried about them right now, but since I’m not that type of person and, again, never, ever doubted the defense, I’m not worried.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick

And in the other conference championship game, we’ve got two never-before Champions. The Toppa Bowl will have one team looking for their first-ever championship. Buckets is looking to get back to the Toppa Bowl and redeem last year’s loss. Timmy is looking to get to the Toppa Bowl for the first time ever.

Previous Matchup: Way back in September, in Week 4, Timmy beat up on Buckets 156.95 to 110.15. Both teams looked completely different back then, however. Timmy rode Aaron Rodgers, who had 4 TD passes (on only 179 yards!) to victory, along with some help from Bilal Powel (36.00 points). Buckets on the other hand was still calling his team Satin & Lace Eddie. It was a pretty lackluster performance from his team. The only player scoring over 20 points was the Jacksonville defense (23.00 points) and he had eight players with single digit fantasy points. The next week he changed his team name and went on to win 9 of his next 10 matchups.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who has scored a total of 58 points from 334 total yards and 2 TDs, in his last two games. With Carson Wentz out for the season, Buckets has to replace the second best player in all of fantasy with… Matt Stafford. It’s actually not as bad as you think. Stafford is the 8th best QB in fantasy and is averaging 25 points per week.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Good God! Thats A.A.Ron’s music! He’s back after missing 7 weeks on the IR. He was averaging 31 points per game until he got hurt. I know he just had like 15 pins removed from his shoulder, but I know enought to not bet against A.A.Ron. This could swing the playoffs. Jamaal Williams, who has scored 28, 25 and 23 points in his last three games.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the East and West Lot Championships! The winners go to the Toppa Bowl!

Thankfully this year’s final four won’t be getting T-shirts because no one will be able to coordinate with Bucket’s burner phone. Buckets, #Maini, JD and Timmy set your lineups. Oh look, we have Saturday football too! The Bears are at Detroit (-5.5) at 4:25 and then the LA Chargers (-1) travel to KC to take on the Chiefs for the AFC West.


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2017 Power Ranks – Divisional Playoff Preview

Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

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Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

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Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

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Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

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Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

  • Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
  • #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
  • JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
  • Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
  • “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
  • WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

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After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

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It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

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Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.