James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


Leave a comment

2017 Power Ranks – Divisional Playoff Preview

Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

Bacon2.png

Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

thumb.jpg

Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

UNST-8137-4_Panda_Bear_Animal_Sock_Crew_Socks_Unsimply_Stitched_grande.jpg

Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

Screen Shot 2017-12-05 at 4.19.41 PM.png

Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

  • Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
  • #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
  • JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
  • Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
  • “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
  • WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

Screen Shot 2017-12-06 at 3.06.06 PM

After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

Screen Shot 2017-12-06 at 3.06.53 PM.png

It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

Screen Shot 2017-12-06 at 3.11.32 PM.png

Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.

Advertisements


Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 12

It’s still November for one more day, so we’re not gonna talk about Christmas yet. I stumbled upon an amazing little Thanksgiving trick this year: The Walkthrough. You know how the day before a game, teams have practice where they just walkthrough the plays and don’t tackle or even run around. That’s what we did this year.

We go over a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and that friend hosts a lot of people who come from out of town. Since the house was filled with so many people, they cooked a big dinner on the Wednesday night. It was nothing fancy. It was just pasta and salad. But, I figured out it enabled me to get some reps in the night before the big day.

All the food was put in the exact same place as the food was going to be on Thanksgiving, including plates and silverware. So I got me some reps moving around the buffet. I made the mistake of putting too much pasta on my plate and didn’t leave enough room for salad. But on game day, I didn’t make the same mistake. It was basically like when Malcolm Butler got beat on that goal line play in practice the day before the Super Bowl, and then made the game winning interception on the exact same play. Me too. I won the Super Bowl. My plate was perfectly proportioned on Thanksgiving, with no empty spaces, but not too much overlap either. I’m going to Disneyland!

I managed to get a few practice drinks in too. Pro tip: don’t get hammered the night before Thanksgiving, unless you’re, like, 22. The food is too good to be hungover. But I did have a few drinksy drinks on Wednesday. You get to figure stuff out. Okay this is where the beer will be in the fridge. This is the guy who brought the really good beer, lemme be friends with him for tomorrow. Oh the red wine is terrible, I’ll be sure to bring a couple bottles. This stuff is important. When the bright lights come on, and the whistle blows, you gotta be prepared.

You also get to practice the seating arrangements. I sat next to this super lame guy during dinner on Wednesday. He wouldn’t stop talking about all this stupid stuff and showing me shit he saw on Facebook. So on Thursday, I made sure not to sit next to my dad.

It’s also great because I got the 10-minute catch up out of the way with a bunch of people. Thanksgiving was catch up free. It was on to meaningful conversations like the weather.

So there you go. Little life hack for you there. I just disrupted Thanksgiving as we know it.

Dog Shit of the Week

Michael Crabtree. Look, you’re in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Your team hasn’t been playing well lately. You can’t go into a big game and just start a fight and get kicked out. You’ve gotta be smarter than that. This isn’t about you, this is about your team, BigBrendoBrand. You can’t get kicked out and put up a 0, when Brendo needs you to make the playoffs. Brendo lost by 11 points, and that’s on you Michael Crabtree.

I have a few observations about this fight, which you can watch all of, here:

Michael Crabtree has been deemed as the instigator of the fight because on the play previous to the melee, he “punched Chris Harris Jr. in the stomach.” If you watch the play, he just blocks him. Like, waaaaaaay too aggressively, but I didn’t see a punch. And then it cuts to Harris Jr. being on the ground. You know what that means? Dick punch. Look, you’re a football player, you take helmets to the gut and land on your head every single play. You’re not gonna roll around like a soccer player because someone punched you in your tummy. You only get that pissed if you get punched in the cash and prizes.

Kevin Harlan during this is great. Rich Gannon is going “Oh that’s stupid. We can’t have that. Don’t do that.” Meanwhile, Harlan goes “…and we HAVE A FIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” and couldn’t be more excited about. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing lefts and rights in the booth, jumping up and down, while Rich Gannon slowly shakes his head.

Clearly the networks loved this fight too, because CBS, Fox and both RedZone channels cut to this fight too. “We bring you to Oakland now where, no both of these teams still stink, but we gots fightin!”

Michael Crabtree is fucking crazy. He sized up Aqib Talib WHO WAS WEARING A HELMET and was decides, yup, I got this, lets throw some hands.

You know shit is totally nuts if Marshawn Lynch is the one playing peacemaker.

This poor guy (watch at 1:49 to see the full force of the hit):

That’s a blown out ACL, MCL, LCL, CCL, FCL, and XCL.

And what the fuck is this guy doing (1:55)??!

Is he trying to tie his shoes together??

Week 12 #PowerRankings

After this weekend’s matchups, we have 6 teams who have clinched playoff spots and now have 3 teams eliminated from the playoffs. That means we have 3 teams left vying for 2 playoff spots.

12. Beat Micho-gan (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Look, the trifle was good. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It ended up being the perfect late-night, super-drunk, post-draft dessert. But, this season for JeffWho is like he emptied that big bowl on draft night, and then proceeded to fill it with layer after layer of shit all season long. Each week, when he set his fantasy lineup, it was like he pulled the bowl out of the fridge, dropped his pants, and squeezed out another layer. There were even some bloody poops that took the place of the strawberry layers: Weeks 6 & 7 he scored 78 and 86 points, then in Weeks 9 and 10 he scored 87 and 85 points. Gotta keep the layers even. JeffWho averaged a league-low 109 points per week, and scored the least amount of points in three different weeks. He scored more than 125 points ONCE all year. Next year’s team name: Poop Triffle

There’s also history in play. The lowest point total for the season in the history of Toppa League is 1394.70 points. Right now, JeffWho has 1285.70. My Woody math tells me, that if he fails to score 109 points this weekend against Timmy, he will be the lowest scoring team in Toppa League history. Currently, he’s projected to score 110.70 points.

11. Patsfaninthecloset (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Micho had a nice little run, winning two of his last three games. He also scored around 150 points in his last two in a row. This past weekend, he went back to his old ways, scoring only 118 points and losing by 3o points. It’s time for Micho to put in the young guys and see what he’s got to build on for next year.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (91.67% chance of making playoffs)

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Tiger’s Wood; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator*: JBiggs is pretty much in. If either of the two above scenarios happen, he clinches a playoff berth. However, if JBiggs loses AND Woody wins, there will be a 3-way tie for the final two playoff spots, with all three teams being 5-8. The seeding is then figured out with total points, where JBiggs has a 33.3 point lead on Brendo. So, as long as Woody vs. Brendo isn’t a slobberknocker, where both teams score like, 180+, AND JBiggs doesn’t put up a dud, he’d still be in. In other words:

CheesyGorditaCrunch (would also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Tiger’s Wood AND BigBrendoBrand LOSS, BUT BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is not more than 33.2 points more than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

*The Playoff Computer’s scenarios are correct, but I’m pretty sure there are some other scenarios that could unfold, and the team would still make the playoffs. These may or may not be 100% accurate, but I’ve convinced myself that they make sense, so they’re probably right. Maybe.

9. BigBrendoBrand (66.67% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So, the flipside of all the stuff I said above. Brendo basically has to try and score as many points as possible this weekend. Best case, he scores a bunch, beats Woody, and clinches a playoff spot. Best, BEST case, he scores the most points of the week, clinching a playoffs spot, but also gets a payout. Next best case, he scores a bunch, loses, but it’s enough to make up the 33.3 point difference between him and JBiggs, but in this scenario he also would need JBiggs to lose. So:

BigBrendoBrand (I think might also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Dessert First AND a CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is 33.4 points higher than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

OHBYTHEWAY, JBiggs owns the tie-breaker over Brendo because he beat him head-to-head in Week 8. So, if by some magical occurrence, Brendo scores exactly 33.3 more points than JBiggs this weekend, JBiggs gets the playoff spot.

8. Halftime in Cinci (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

PWood hasn’t scored less than 129 points per week since Week 4. He’s averaged 138 points per week and is going to finish in 4th place in total points scored. PWood was truly the unluckiest team of the year. He’s going to finish as the top team in points against him, by a full 10 points per week. He’s been on the receiving end of the Highest Score of the Week 3 times. And the second highest another two more times. The closest thing I can find to this is back in 2012 when JD’s team both scored and gave up 2000 points, but that team got the 8th seed and made it to the Toppa Bowl. PWood’s team is truly, historically unlucky.

Oh well, time to put in Kyle Love.

7. Dessert First (41.67% chance of making playoffs)

Dessert First CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand -AND- Tiger’s Wood LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So I’m not sure Woody needs BOTH of these things to happen. Woody has 30.35 more points on the season than Brendo. If he were to beat Brendo, and follow me on this one, then he’d still have more points than Brendo. So if Woody wins, both teams go to 5-8, and Woody gets the 8th spot over Brendo, on total points. And there’s no way he makes it if he loses, so:

Dessert First (I’m pretty sure) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand

This would be pretty insane if Woody made the playoffs. He started the season with the second lowest score of the year, and only put up 118 points the following week. He then scored the second highest score of the year. And then before last week, he had lost 5 in a row. And somehow, if he wins a game that HewittLines.co.au/nfl/fantasy/lines/week12/toppa has him favored by 5 points, he’ll make the playoffs.

Watch, Woody’s gonna get a high score of the week, get paid, make the playoffs, and then end up beating one of #Maini or Buckets’s smoke-and-mirrors, first place teams in the first round of the playoffs. How has nobody else noticed how rigged this shit is?

6. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD’s peaking just at the right time. He’s won 5 of his last 6 and he’s scored at least 150 points in five of those matchups. (That sentence is stupid. The reason it seems weird when you read it is because in one of the five games he won, JD did not happen to score 150+ points. But then last week, he did score 150+ points, but he lost. Therefore, I end up writing a sentence that is correct, but makes your head hurt when you read it. Blame JD for that.)

5. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

In the last 4 weeks, Timmy’s been incredibly inconsistent. He’s won two and lost two. In his wins, he’s averaging 162 points. In his losses, however, he’s averaged under 95 points per matchup. The good news is, if this trend continues, he’ll lose this week, in a matchup that doesn’t really matter to him, but then win the following week in the first week of the playoffs.

4. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

It was a great team win. We played well in all three phases. Overall, we did what we had to do to get that victory. We need to prepare hard during the week, so that we can get ready for the next game ahead of us. It’s all about everyone working hard, everyone contributing, everyone doing what you need to do. You do the things you need to do, so that when the time comes, you’re ready. So until then we’re just going to keep working hard and just keep looking at that next game ahead of us.

3. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

I feel like nothing sums up this weird Buckets and #Maini run more than Woody’s text updating us of our season’s payouts:

“#Maini and RalBuckets got nothing” But they’re both 9-3 and tied for first!! I don’t get it. Since Buckets changed his team name in Week 5, #Maini and Buckets are a combined 13-3. They were in the top 3 in scoring ONCE during that stretch (#Maini scored the third-most points in Week 7).

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Some more #MainiMagic and #NameChangerGameChanger stupidness: #Maini and Buckets have the 9th and 7th lowest point totals for the season. They have the least and second-least points scored against them. #Maini has an average of 117 points scored against him each week. That’s almost 16 points less than the leaguewide weekly average!

1. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Going into the final week of the regular season, Vegas is scoring a league-high 153 points per week. He won his second matchup in a row last weekend while putting up the highest score of the week. It’s the third time he’s done that this season, putting up over 195 points each time. Vegas had a little hiccup a couple weeks back, but it looks like he’s also peaking at the right time going into the playoffs.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

DeSantis Bowl!!!! With everything on the line…. for JBiggs. Back in Week 2, when I was complaining that we need a DeSantis Bowl with stakes, this is the shit I was talking about! If JBiggs wins, he clinches a playoff berth. If JD wins and #Maini, Buckets and Vegas all lose, he’ll get the number one seed. Plus, look at this line:

Dead even! They’re both projected to score 133.73 points. I love it!

But there’s an even bigger matchup this weekend. Dessert First takes on BigBrendoBrand in a game with playoff implications for both teams. This game is so big they decided to put 5th place PowerFranks Gore taking on 1st place #Brady40MainiHorny at 1pm and flex Woody and Brendo’s matchup into the Sunday Night marquis game. Woody wins, he’s in. I think. Brendo wins, he’s in. That, I’m pretty sure about. Woody wins, Brendo might be in. Shit is getting real! I might care about this matchup more than my own this weekend.

Be sure to set your lineups. Washington (-1.5) is at Dallas. Dallas is wearing their White on White ColorRush unis. The R-words are reportedly refusing to wear their all yellow ColorRush uniforms. Instead, they said, that if they wear any matching uniforms at all, it will be burgundy on burgundy. I guess Washington fears an all-yellow jersey would confuse fans into thinking they were racist towards other skin colors, and want to reassure everyone that they are explicitly racist towards Native Americans only. You don’t go against ColorRush. So you know what, Dallas +1.5.

Have a great weekend!


Leave a comment

Playoffs??!?

giphy-1

Is it too early to think about making the playoffs? Nope! Here are your up-to-the-minute playoff odds:

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (6-1-0): Playoff Odds: 100%

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob CLINCH a Playoff spot IF:

  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Princess AmukaMARY;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Wonderland VIP’s BEAT #TomFuckinMaini;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd BEAT Wide Right;  OR
  • [✓] SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Lance Harbor BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola  -AND-  Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT TuesdaysAtSpecks;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Funky Cold ‘Mendola BEAT Lance Harbor  -AND-  TuesdaysAtSpecks BEAT Michos a Gurley-Man

ErectDecker (5-2-0): Playoff Odds: 98.44%

Goodells A Man-gina (5-2-0): Playoff Odds: 90.6%.

Michos a Gurley-Man (4-3-0): Playoff Odds: 99.08%

Wide Right (4-3-0): Playoff Odds: 61.12%

Princess AmukaMARY (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 59.96%

#TomFuckinMaini (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 64.40%

Funky Cold ‘Mendola (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 54.16%

Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 86.12%

Lance Harbor (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 50.12%

TuesdaysAt (2-5-0): Playoff Odds: 32.76%

Wonderland VIP’s (1-6-0): Playoff Odds: 6.72%

By tomorrow I’ll be the first team to officially claim a playoff spot, thanks to some help from Brendo and JeffWho. Of course, no first place team has yet to win the championship, so it doesn’t mean a whole lot.

The one good thing about all the crappy football this year? Since any team is bad enough to lose to any other team on any given week, there are a lot of teams sitting around .500. And it turns out when almost half the league (14 teams) is either 4-3, 4-4, or 3-4, it translates to more than half of our league being either 4-3 or 3-4. And that means no one is eliminated from playoff contention. Even Vegas still has a shot.

giphy-2


Leave a comment

Week 14 Power Rankings: Playoff Edition

mora-playoff-rant-o

First things first, let’s congratulate Raleigh for christening little baby J-Mo. I’m not catholic, so I have no fucking idea what this means but it seems like people dress up for it, so it must be something important.

Next, did you guys hear? Micho saved someone at the airport the other day. Zapped him back to life! That’s fucking awesome. For real. Micho really is The Doctah. Which reminds me, I saw this billboard on my way back to NYC after Thanksgiving:

DOCTAH

You’ve seen it too right? It’s on 95 south, just a bit before New London.

No theme this week, just some musings I had while watching football this week:

I’m pretty sure Dan Fouts said “he was able to get away with his speed and quickness.” How are these things different? Why did “quickness” become a thing that is different than being fast? What’s next? Runfastability? That’s like “Well, little Johnny was able to answer that complex math problem because of his brains and because if his smarts.” Or Meg being like “Well, I love Raleigh because he’s handsome and he’s good looking”. Or PWood saying “Man, Timmy was so fucked up last night. And he was wasted. And he was #fatfingered. And he was drunk.” Stupid NFL broadcasters. These are the same fuckers who gave us “escapability”. Not a word. People didn’t even use that word for Harry Houdini.

I cannot stand that Grand Marnier beatboxer. This arrogant prick jumps on stage while someone else is performing and ruins it by yelling “Pffffffffddddddddddddd” into the mic. Yeah that old black piano player is smiling at you, but I can guarantee he doesn’t like your entitled white ass. Go back to your loft in Brooklyn that your parents bought you.

You know what? I hate Odell Beckham Jr. Two weeks ago, I was totally in awe of his talent. Now, I’m kinda sick of everyone blowing him. Every game they show the highlights of his ridiculous warm up routine where he’s doing one-handed, circus catches, which I admit are amazing, but now they’ve started showing highlights of him doing stuff like this:

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1&isUI=1

Oooooooooo!! The ball was on the ground and then he flipped it up with his legs! He spun the ball then kicked it! Woowweeeee!! Know what? I can do that shit. No, seriously. These things are unimpressive. One handed catches while falling over? Impressive. Doing soccer shit with a football that every 13 year old on a travel team can do? Unimpressive. Just remember, in a year from now when Cris Collinsworth is saying for the 433rd time “I tell you what Al, this Odel Beckham kid is something special!” and you’re ready to jump on the “I hate Odell Beckham Jr.” bandwagon, I’m the one driving that bus.

Oh, and it’s obviously a three man race for rookie of the year between ODB, Mike Evans, and Sammy Watkins. This is crazy, because by week six, ROY was going to be Sammy Watkins and it wasn’t close. Now any one of these dudes could win it. I was in a car with Woody, Raleigh and PWood discussing this very topic and Woody, who I suspect has some biases, basically said Sammy Watkins sucked and doesn’t deserve it. Recently, I thought of something that I wish I was able to bring this up in car, but I didn’t think about it at the time; Sammy Watkins would probably be undisputed ROY if he had anyone besides Kyle Orton (well anyone besides him and EJ Manuel) throwing him the ball. Saying Kyle Orton is a bad quarterback is like saying sex is fun. I mean of course, but it’s much, much more than just that.

There aren’t many football related things I like more than watching Andy Dalton being bad at football. My list of favorite things to watch in football are:
1. Tom Brady being Tom Brady
2. Manning face (Peyton)
3. When the Pats have a power running game.
4. Manning face (Eli)
5. Andy Dalton doing terrible Andy Dalton things.
6. Trent Richardson taking a handoff at “full speed” and running straight into the offensive line for 1 yard.

Andy (and, btw, a good football player can’t be named Andy) Dalton is perfectly good at times, but you just know the terribleness is coming. Cincinnati fans must hate themselves for convincing themselves this guy is a good quarterback. I cannot wait to bet against the Bengals in the playoffs. They’re gonna be at home and could be getting 6. And I would still bet against them. I don’t even gamble. Seriously, gun to your head, would you rather have Andy Dalton or Eli Manning? I’d probably just take the gunshot to the head.

You know who else I’m tempted to bet against? Indy. They might not be that good. Have you seen their division? They played Jacksonville, Houston and Tennessee twice. That’s awful. They also played Washington and the Giants. I mean that’s eight automatic wins! Imagine if they played in the AFC North (which, um, why aren’t they? I just looked at a map and they’re more north than both Cincinnati and Baltimore). They’d be 6-10. But, I will never bet against Andrew Luck in the playoffs. Ever. Andy Luck on the other hand? I’d take out a second mortgage to bet against that guy.

Hey, why doesn’t Tom Brady wear his pads in the Sunday Night Football player profile things? Look:

IMG_1845-0

Every other player wears both their shoulder pads and their thigh pads. Every other player wants to look as tough and badass as possible. But not Tommy. He’s cool with the tight pants hugging his junk and wimpy looking shoulders. And that ridiculous smug look. Look, if I was Tom Brady I’d be oozing self-confidence too, but dude, throw us a bone. We already have to defend you against every other fan in the country who’s some combination of jealous hater and angry hater. Don’t make it harder.

If I were an actor, I’d want my agent to get me a show on CBS. Seriously, those shows are awful. But for some reason, people watch them. I don’t even think they like them. But dammit, they watch them. “Coming in January, Rhys is down on his luck and must move back in with his mom and dad (Rita Wilson and Tom Beringer). Things go from bad to worse when he must share his parents’ basement with his uncle Joey, played by Joey Fatone. Tom Arnold plays Frank, the wacky neighbor. Me and Uncle Joey, coming to CBS Thursdays after Mom.” Sounds like shit doesn’t it? You won’t be saying that when you’re watching it in syndication on Friday nights five years from now.

Playoff Recap

EasleyChungLikeBrady  290.05

Jameson B.C. Portis 161.00

Holy shit! You don’t blow out Raleigh! And not by 130 points! This is insane! 290 points?!? This beats the league record for points in a single game by 40 POINTS! Is anyone else kinda disappointed he didn’t score 300 though? I just looked at his lineup for like three minutes and there’s no possible way he could have, but I would’ve liked that. It would’ve been neat.

Jesus. This is how ridiculous PWood’s team was this week: He had the 2 top scoring players of the week (Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell, 100.55 combined points), 4 of the top 10 and the top 3 scoring non-QB players. If he played only his wide receivers, his defense and kicker, he still would’ve beaten Raleigh. And if he didn’t play them, he still would’ve come within less than 10 points of beating him.

TheWilforkSextape  198.45

Switches & Bitches  110.75

How do you get 38 points from your defense? That’s insane! Oh, you shutout terrible Washington with 7 sacks, two picks and a punt return TD, that’s how.

Man, it looks like this Rodgers guy is gonna be pretty good at football. It’s a good thing you drafted him Woody… wait! You didn’t? Someone else did? They must be a total idiot to give him up.

By the way, this is the formula I rode to my fantasy championship belt. Dominating QB (Drew Brees) and a dominating Defense (Seattle). Sigh.

Dibs on Mcfadden 139.70

#GronkScoreNickLose 115.85

Well this was pretty pathetic. If you combined both of these total scores, they still wouldn’t have beaten PWood. And, if you combine the scores of both of the starting QBs in this matchup, they wouldn’t have out scored any of his starting wide receivers (I know, I know ODB had 27.90 and the QBs totaled 29.65 points, but he was PWood’s flex, don’t be a dick about it.) This matchup was won by Percy Harvin. That should tell you how terrible it was. Bleh. 

Did you know Timmy would’ve been better off starting Mark Sanchez. On a related note, Colin Kaepernick stinks! 

Dickson your rear  154.35

Cam Newton Blows  146.05

Looks like mom loves Justin.

Wow, Josh’s team is name “Cam Newton Blows,” but if he had played Cam Newton over Ryan Tannehill, he would’ve won. Man, that’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Dog Shits of the Week

OllieLMAM

Josh’s Running Backs, LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris, who are both making a case for Dog Shit of the Year. McCoy went for 50 yds and a lost fumble. Morris had 6 rushing yards and 11 receiving yards. They combined for 4.70 points.

Runners Up: Carlos Hyde (1.20) and Jason Witten (2.60) with all those 50s and 30s on PWood’s team, these two just ruin it.

Also Receiving Votes: Torrey Smith. 0 points. Injured his knee right before the game. Pretty huge considering Josh lost by 8.40 points. That’s a 24 yard touch down catch. Or 84 yards receiving, but I feel like its more devastating to say it the other way; Keenan Allen. Have the found his body on Revis Island yet? They still must be dredging the waters.

#PowerRanks

12. Bell&BountCarPool emoji emoji
11. DoctahSpice
10. Tom Tupa
9. Achilles Me Smalls
8. Switches & Bitches
7. #GronkGoreNicksButtsSore
6. Alanis Morissette
5. Jameson B.C. Portis

Still alive

4. Dickson your rear
3. Dibs on Mcfadden
2. TheWilforkSextape
1. EasleyChungLikeBrady

It’s Woody vs. Justin and PWood vs. Timmy. Things could change if Timmy gets his swagger back and PWood just got lucky last week, but it’s shaping up to be an all Wood Final. Cardinals-Rams tonight. That’s a good one. Set your side TV to that game while you watch Me and Uncle Joey at 9pm/8pm Central on the big screen.