It’s Halloween! Time for some terrible sexy costumes. Except not. Well, I mean there are some truly terrible costumes out there. They’re all bad, but not offensively bad like previous years. When I first started doing this, I would have trouble whittling the pile down to 12. There were just so many terrible, weird, awful costumes to pick from. This year, I had a hard time coming up with 12. Like, where was Sexy Delta Variant? Sexy Vaccine Denier? Sexy QAnon Believer? Sexy Ted Lasso? Sexy Free Britney? Sexy Among Us spaceman? The Sexy Mandalorian? Oh well, the show must go on.
I don’t know how close we are to the playoffs because there’s a new number of games in the SZN, but it’s almost November, so it’s gotta be close to time to start thinking about it right? Anyway, we’ve got 7 teams at 4-3 or 3-4. It’s gonna be a battle to get into the Playoffs?!?!?!
12. The QuOIR Boys
See what we’re working with this year? This was legit under the category of ‘Sexy Costumes’! That said, 200 years ago, this was HOT.
#Nick has lost 6 in a row. Not even a name change can save him this year.
11. Return of the Mac
There’s this scene in the old Star Trek, where Scotty is wicked drunk and he hands this bottle of alien, space booze to this guy he’s drinking with, and the guy asks him, “What is it?” And Scotty goes, “it’s… it’s… (he goes so far as to smell the bottle)… it’s… green!” That’s what this costume is: “The color ‘Green’… but SPOOKY!” This sweatshirt and wig combo is $60 by the way.
If Vegas doubled his score this week, he still would’ve lost by 17.
10. I draft drunk
What the fuck? Who does this appeal to? Who sees a skeleton’s middle finger and thinks, “That’s it! That’s my costume this year!!”
9. Tua Lipa
I just… come on with this shit. I look at this and just KNOW there are thousands of women out there buying this costume, wanting to be a sexy snake, in a sexy snakeskin body suit, and then they’re dealing with this weird cobra hat and those fucking fangs just flapping their face all night.
8. Bath Salts & Celery
I bet you wanted me to give the guy costume to Micho. Well, it’s 2021 and we don’t make lazy, derogatory jokes like that anymore. Instead we make ones like: Buckets is the only guy in Toppa League with the body to pull this costume off anyway.
Also, arbitrarily assigning a costume to a specific person goes against the high standard by which things are #PowerfullyRanked here at #PowerRanks HQ.
Buckets is on a 3-week winning streak, putting up over 150 points each week and going from dead-last to playoff contention.
7. RODEWAY INN
This looks like you’re dressing up as one of those weird strawberry candies that have the goo inside that only Grandma’s have. You legit can’t find those candies in stores, I think in the 50s they gave away magical glass bowls that just replenished themselves with those weird candies whenever they are empty. Was Sexy Werther’s Original not available?
The Fantasy Gods don’t give with both hands. After pulling off a miracle Thursday win on a stat correction, Woody has lost 2 straight.
6. Coffin Flops
A sexualized costume of the desexualized version of the original overly-sexy cartoon character. Yup.
Ah yes. Nothing is sexier too me than a billionaire who is forcing small businesses to close, almost single handedly destroying the environment (but is way too fucking convenient to boycott), who is using all his non-taxed income to build a giant penis-shaped rocket so he can go to space, even though the thing DOESN’T EVEN REALLY GO INTO SPACE.
For some reason I thought I was playing Timmy this week. I did not. Timmy’s now 2-0 since I said he sucked. Word of warning to everyone else out there. Ah, I’m just kidding. I don’t care. Timmy still sucks.
4. The Hungry Heifer
Is this how far we’ve fallen during the pandemic? That UPS delivery people are sexy? Oooo la la! Is that a BioBidet SlimEdge Simple Bidet Toilet Attachment in White with Dual Nozzle, Fresh Water Spray, Non Electric, Easy to Install, Brass Inlet and Internal Valve in your package or are you just happy to see me?
3. TB12 of Pink Football
Now this is the type of stuff I was looking for!! And boy, is there nothing sexier to me than an 80-year-old, Jewish, socialist fighting for the working class. No seriously, let me get your number.
Brendo is now the second highest scoring team in the league… and has a losing record. Isn’t Fantasy Football fun? Brendo put up a Two Hundo Burger this week and smoked Vegas by over 100 points… and is in 8th.
2. Beer Gut Method
I had to scroll to page 6 to find this one! I woulda thought Squid Game would be advertised on the home page. Anyhoo, playing children’s games at gun point is definitely in my top 5 sexual fantasies, so what’re you doing later?
JBiggs is on a 4-week winning streak and is now the highest scoring team in the league, putting up an average 157 points each week.
1. Ron Swanson
This year, the sexiest thing you can be is vaccinated. Get your booster for boosted sexiness!
Andy: “Weren’t you a pirate last year?”
Ron: “Yes. This is my Halloween costume.”
Survivor Update: 💀❌❌❌
Times Up! Green Bay (+6.5) is at Arizona tonight, so be sure to set your lineups.