James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.

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2017 Power Ranks – Week 7

Me and the old lady took a trip to IKEA this past weekend. Going to IKEA is a scary proposition because it’s a labyrinth designed to keep you inside and give you Stokholm syndrome (pun intended) into wanting all the shit they sell. Oooh look this lamp is only $3.50! I feel like we could use a lamp shaped like a frog. There’s even a goddamn restaurant in the middle of it. They’re probably just trying to calm down hangry wives murdering their husbands who are crippled with indecision. I’ve been on trips to IKEA where three hours in, I lost the will to live, and wanted to just leave. Do you know how hard it is to just put it all back in IKEA? It’s a maze within a maze. Thankfully, Boom Boom and I got in and out of there in an hour and a half, got what we needed, got some extra stuff (but not too much!), all the pieces were included and there were no fights. Flawless Victory.

Everyone hates putting together IKEA furniture, but I love it. I mean, sure, Joseph Allen, inventor of the Allen wrench can get fucked. Hey, what if I combine two perfectly good tools, a screwdriver and a wrench, except make it half the size, give it no leverage, and have it fall of the screw every two and a half turns? Sounds like an amazing tool. The Swedes will eat that shit up.

I should really thank my parents for letting me play with and continuing to buy Legos. Thanks to Lego, I totally know how to read a set of instructions with no words or any real direction, just subtle change between images and an arrow or two. Seriously, buy your kids legos.

After we had our IKEA dresser all put together, I was reminded about the first time I realized I was a real adult. I knew I became an adult when the things I got as presents, or things I bought myself stopped being things I played with and became things I used. I think the exact moment was when I bought myself a really nice garbage can for my apartment. It was stainless steel and had two compartments, one for trash, one for recycling, and the lid closed all slow and fancylike. No more slamming the lid shut. This trashcan was unslammable. I spent like $150 on a trash can! And fucking loved it! But when you make a purchase like a garbage can or a dresser from IKEA, the childlike excitement of “I can’t wait to play with this thing for hours!!!!!” is gone. I got one of those awesome Nest fire alarms. It sent Boom Boom a text when I burnt the chicken. A text mid-smoke! That’s amazing. That’s some SkyNet shit right there. But there’s no playtime after you plug in a fire alarm. That’s how you know you’re an adult. Now you buy a thing, set it up, and go on with your life, happy it’s 0.3% better.

Dog Shit of the Week

Julio Jones. Mr. 99! So the week I had one of the best receivers in the game going against the sieve that is the Patriots defense, they actually decide to play well. At least he scored a touchdown this week, which was his first of the season by the way. 1 yard!! I just needed one more yard to reach the receiving bonus. Those 6 points would’ve made it so I would’ve… lost by 26 instead of 33. Right. Moving on.

This week’s level: Did they teach bullshit in elementary school?

It was a pretty quiet week for the Ginger Hammer. There wasn’t really any new bad news to report. I did some Googling to see what Roger was up to this week and nothing exciting came up. However, if you search “Roger Goodell quotes” the number one hit is: “I spent a lot of time in the school psychologist’s office. I didn’t apply myself. My mother thought I had learning disabilities.” OOOOoooooohhhhhhhh. Now this all making sense. We hired the special kid in class to run the goddamn NFL! Well done! The guy who you don’t trust to cut your meat at the deli is making decisions about people’s future mental health. Good stuff.

Week 7 #PowerRankings

Well, it’s Halloween this weekend and that means it’s time to bring back one of my favorite gimmicks. Let’s review this year’s sexiest costumes and power rank them accordingly.

Tie 12. Beat Micho-gan

Adult Baby Inflatable Costume. This is what nightmares are made of.

With this week’s stinker, JeffWho has now scored 2 of the 3 lowest scores in the league (don’t worry Woody, you’re still number one). JeffWho is averaging 105 points per week, which is almost 25 points below the league average.

Tie 12. Patsfaninthecloset

Women’s Jellyfish Costume. AAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDD that looks like a dick.

I started off this post with Micho in last, but then started writing JeffWho’s section and realized how much his team sucks, so I switched them. Then I looked at Micho’s team for a second time, and thought, “Man, but Micho’s team is really, really shitty too.” So, congrats! You both get to be in last. You both suck. A lot. You literally both suck so much, that I could pick who sucked more. 6 losses in a row vs. lowest point total. Who cares? You both stink.

At least you guys are happily in love.

10. Halftime in Cinci

Adult Fabric Sexy Doll Mask. Holy shit! This is wrong. This is coming from a guy who thinks blowup dolls are funny. But in the ironic way, you know? Like, “why would anyone have sex with a blow up doll?” It doesn’t even feel that good. I mean, I BET it doesn’t even feel that good. Blow up dolls are silly and stupid. Let’s bring it out to breakfast with us when we’re hungover and order it pancakes. That’s funny and dumb. This costume is… rapey.

PWood’s team is basically this year’s 49ers. He’s in every game, but then ends up losing. He’s averaging 126 points per matchup, which is barely below the league average of 130. He’s not bad, he’s just unlucky. Like really, really, super, very unlucky.

Also this week in RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: (sorry I forgot last week) So you have to dress your kid up for Halloween. Here are some ideas:

  1. Monkey. Dressing your kid up like an animal is fucking cute. In fact, it doesn’t even matter what kind of animal. Puppy. Cow. Whatever. It’s all fucking cute. I’d dress my kid up like an animal all the time. There doesn’t even need to be a reason. Is it a special occasion? Nope, just my kid looks super fucking adorable dressed as a lion. 
  2. Burrito. Hilarious! Also, cute. PLUS! Your kid is swaddled all night and they love that. I have no idea what swaddling is, but I hear babies love it. 
  3. Pumpkin. It’s been done before, but it’s always cute. It’s a classic for a reason.

9. Dessert First

Fireball Tank Dress. Just like shots of Fireball, this costume seems like a good idea at the time. Yeah baby, you give me heartburn like no one else and you make my shits smell weird the next day. This is also top contender for worst (or best!) walk of shame costume.

I can’t figure Woody’s team out. In his victories, he’s averaging 170 points. When he loses, he’s averaging 103. I feel like I’ve either ranked him in the top 3 or the bottom 3 each week and not in between.

8. BigBrendoBrand

Women’s Upside Down Honey Costume. You know, nothing gets me going like dressing up like a 12-year-old girl. The sexiest thing about this costume is the waffles.

Have the wheels fallen off for Brendo? After winning 4 in a row and scoring more than 160 points in back-to-back weeks, Brendo has now lost his last two and scored less than 102 points in both matchups. He didn’t have a single player besides his quarterback score in double digits this week.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Adult Miss Freddy Frueger. It’s a valiant effort, but there is no way to make Freddie Krueger sexy. If something scared me from like 3rd grade through, like, way older than care to admit, I’m not gonna all of a sudden be like “Hey lady. You look purdy.” I’m more likely to be like, what the fuck is wrong with this girl’s brain to think that is in any way sexy. Also, am I supposed to be excited by a potential hand job with a knife-glove? Cuz call me crazy, but I’m not.

Eric Decker scored zero points for JBiggs this week. Every other one of his players scored over 6 points. Le’Veon Bell, Drew Brees and Amari Cooper all hit the bonus as Bell ran for 134 yards, Brees threw for 331 with a passing and rushing TD, and Cooper had over 200 yards(!!) receiving. Those three players combined for 103.65 points. Which, by the way, was enough to beat Micho’s crappy 83 points.

6. FuseLitHugeDick

Women’s Sassy Shark. Does a shark need to be sassy? It’s a fucking shark. Like, if you go up to a shark and were like, “Hey, Mr. Shark,” It would bite your fucking arm off. Pretty sure that’s plenty sassy.

After not being able to put up 100 points in Week 5, Timmy’s averaged 139 points and won in back-to-back weeks. He heads to Cinci this week to take on PWood. If he beats PWood this week, which (sorry) everybody seems to do, than he’ll go to 5-3 and be in the top half of the standings.

5. Tiger’s Wood


Desirable Me Character Costume. This may be the winner of this year’s “trying way too hard to be sexy, and not even remotely trying to be the thing you are saying you are” award. You can’t just say you’re a Minion by wearing goggles and half of a yellow shirt.

The difference was basically Russell Wilson, as he scored 42.70 points and helped JD beat Woody by 50 points. JD had been riding the win-loss roller coaster this season, following every win with a loss, but every loss with a win.

4. PowerFranks Gore

Adult Sexy Stormtrooper Costume. I’m just going to keep putting this one on the list every year until Boom Boom gets the hint.

I got stomped this week. I put up the third most points of the week and still lost by 30. Yahoo gave me a weekly grade of “A” and I still didn’t even come close to winning. I had a 3% chance of winning going INTO the early Sunday games. It also gets better, because in this week’s edition of “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?” I have SEVEN players on bye this week. That’s almost half my team. I’m starting guys I don’t even know the name of. 4-4 here we come.

3. Finding Foerster

Women’s Frisky Frog Costume. We’ve entered my favorite territory: Comfy AF costumes.

Since renaming his team, Buckets’s team is 3-0. Sometimes you just need to get rid of the locker room cancer. And that cancer was Satin & Lace Eddie. It’d make sense naming your team after a guy who can’t seem to stop being fat even though he’s paid lots and lots of money to not be, would give you some bad karma for the year.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Adult Debbie Bodysuit. Now we’re talking. Go ahead and feel free to throw me around the bed first. I’ll just lie here and you can moonsault off the dresser.

It’s now 5 in a row for #Nick. Dak Prescott scored 41.30 points and LeSean McCoy (which is a fun name to type) added another 21.20 as #Nick’s team put up 167 points and routed PWood by 40.

1. Spoiler Alert

5th Element Leeloo Thermal Bandages Costume. Yup. This’ll do. 14-year-old Rhys was all about 5th Element Milla Jovovich. Especially since we didn’t have the internet back then. You can use my Multipass.

He stumbled a bit there, but Vegas is back in the top spot, after putting up almost 200 points. Vegas put up 80 points on Thursday alone. Our matchup was over before it even began. Vegas is now averaging 156 points per week, which is a good 25 points higher than the league average.

Bonus: Stupid Sexy Flanders

Goddammit! This makes me angry how good of an idea this is. Some people are just too good at Halloween.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

#2 Spoiler Alert flies to Atlanta to take on the first place #Brady40MainiHorny. HewittSportsbook.lv has Vegas as a 13 point favorite right now. But, will #MainiMagic continue for the 6th week in a row?

Be sure to set your lineups. Arizona, Green Bay, Jacksonville, Los Angeles Rams, New York Giants, and Tennessee are all on bye. Miami (+3) is at Baltimore tonight. Wake up early on Sunday, we’ve got more bad football in England. Minnesota (-9.5) takes on Cleveland and God save the Queen.

Enjoy the weekend.


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2017 Going-into-the-SZN PowerRanks

I woke up Tuesday morning after Labor Day and felt the familiar feeling of “well summer is over, back to school* and time for fall.” It was instantly depressing. It made me want to write a post where the gist was basically: “Fuck Fall”. But then I got home from work that day, and the weather was cool and wonderful. I opened all the windows and slept like a fucking rock that night. This got me thinking that maybe fall isn’t so bad. So let’s weigh the pros and cons of fall and try and decide whether fall is in fact good, or instead, is trash.

*I hate that we’re trained for 20 years that we get June, July and August off to just chill. After that though, real life is like, “No more of that. Now you just work everyday of your life!”

Pro: Football is back

Cons: There are none. What am I gonna say “there’s too much football?” Am I gonna start crying about how you can turn on the TV pretty much anytime during the week and see some hot gridiron action? FOH.

Pro: Soccer is back

Cons: I mean I can’t really think of any for this one, either. The only thing I can think of is, sometimes I turn on the TV first thing in the morning and sit down to watch the 7am game, then I don’t eat, shower or move until 2:30pm. Or other times, I’ll go to a bar for a 10am or 11am game, and then after that’s over, football starts, so then I stay at the bar for that. Next thing I know I’ve spent $175, drank 4 pitchers of beer, and eaten nothing but wings and fries for 13 hours. Still, not really a con.

Pro: The leaves are changing and are pretty.

Con: Raking leaves blows! I have a tiny little patio out back of my apartment. I’m sweeping that thing like every other day picking up leaves. It’s bullshit. Why are these fucking leaves falling one at a time?

On the other hand, leaf piles are fun:

Pro: Pumpkin flavored things are kinda delicious. I know what you’re thinking, I too have hated on pumpkin flavored things. But hear me out. I feel like the hate has gone too far. Pumpkin is delicious. Who doesn’t like pumpkin pie? Sociopaths, that’s who. Boom Boom makes a delicious banana bread, but we currently have no bananas. Know what we should do? Throw some pumpkin in that shit! I bet she’s reading this right now, and thinking “That does sound delicious!” and then I’ll get a text from her a couple minutes later saying “Good post babe! Great idea about the pumpkin bread, we should totally do that.” And then I’ll reply: “I know, right?!” “Let’s touch butts.”

Con: The hate has not gone far enough. I think the real issue is that Pumpkin SZN starts in August. I saw Halloween decorations in CVS two weeks ago. It wasn’t even September. And Pumpkin SZN is doing the same thing. If it started in mid-September and went until Thanksgiving, I think we’d all be fine with it. Right now, no one wants to drink a pumpkin beer when it’s 80 degrees outside. Then by the time you’re actually ready for a pumpkin beer in November, they’re all gone. I blame the white chicks. They simply won’t be denied their Pumpkin Mocha Frappaccinos, so BIG COFFEE gives it to them earlier and earlier every year, and the basic betches keep on drinking it. But treat yourself gurl! You just did a $75 spin class. You deserve what’s basically a slice of pumpkin pie with a scoop of coffee ice cream thrown into a blender.

Pro: The weather is amazing. It’s sunny and warm during the day, and cool and comfortable at night. There’s nothing like sleeping with the window open during the fall. You could be parking an aircraft carrier in my front yard, but as long as that fall breeze is blowing, I’ll be sleeping like a baby.

Con: The weather actually sucks. It’s simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. It could be 80 degrees in the sun and 60 in the shade. How is that possible? And obviously, the solution to that is LAYERS. What am I wearing fucking breakaway pants to work? Lemme just pack this suitcase filled with sweatshirts and sweaters but also shorts and t-shirts for my trip all the way out to dinner.

Pro: Kids go back to school.** I can only imagine, but it seems like it’d be pretty dope.Free childcare! Suddenly daddy has the house to himself. Pants optional.

Con: Maybe it’s sad the first day you drop them off. Suck it up and have a beer.

**Unless of course, you’re a teacher. If you’re a teacher, Labor Day is the worst day of the year. You find yourself sitting on that last beautiful beach day of the year, staring into the ocean, thinking “What if I walked into the water right now and just kept walking? Do you think anyone would miss Mr. Warburton?”

Pro: Holidays. There are way more holidays in fall than any other season. Fact. I didn’t even have to look it up. You got Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving alone would be enough to carry this season over the others, but that’s four long weekends in three months. Spring aint’ got shit on that.

Con: The only downside is some jobs are a little wonky about these holidays. Making plans on Columbus Day weekend is impossible. Some people get it off, some don’t, some can work from home. My job doesn’t give me Veterans Day off. Technically it’s a floating holiday, but it means I have to choose between that and holidays earlier in the year, which I inevitably take off because they’re earlier in the year and fuck thinking about the future, get me out of this place, and put beer in me. How do I not get this day off? The bank isn’t even open. How can I be expected to work on a day you can’t even deposit my paycheck? I guess my job just hates the troops.

Con: It starts getting dark earlier and earlier, sapping your will to live.

Pro: Who needs to go outside when there’s football!

Dogshit of the Week

NO ONE! Football starts tonight. No one can do any wrong. Let’s save the women beating, racial inequality, threat of world war, annoying neighbors, and fantasy kickers until the season starts. Until then, there’s nothing to shit on. Life is great! Football is back!

Preseason/Heading into the 2017 Season PowerRanks

Anybody else notice how all the older guys in the league got C’s and all the younger guys got B’s. What kind of ageist bullshit is that?! Millennials are ruining fantasy football. Are we gonna have avocado toast at the draft next year?! Oh well, on with the #PowerRanks:

12. FuseLitHugeDick

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With the sixth pick in the draft, FuseLitHugeDick selects: Tim Tebow.

Best Pick of the Draft: DeMarco Murray at 19 is pretty nice.

Worst Pick of the Draft: I could say when Timmy looked at me in the driveway and said “Fuck FantasyPros. They’re the whole reason I took Tyler Lockett last year. I’m never listening to them again.” Then this year, proceeded to take Golden Tate 35 picks higher than his ADP.

But no, Timmy’s worst pick was definitely choosing to say something incredibly raunchy as hell, something along the lines of “I’d definitely fuck a 15-year-old,” just as Pa Woody was coming up the stairs to check in on everybody.

11. Dessert First

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Congratulations, Dessert First has earned a participation award.” This was the first line of his recap. Jesus.

Best Pick of the Draft: Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Garoppolo. Woody literally drafted a handcuff for his QB. I’ve never even heard of that. I can’t even say this is a bad pick. Woody ate the whole wheel of cheese.

10. Satin & Lace Eddie

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, Satin & Lace Eddie Hopefully Isn’t Playing for Money.” Bummer, I think by Woody’s math, he is playing for money.

Best Pick of the Draft: Raleigh Raps. Let’s look back at a video of RhysNice while Buckets was rapping:

Worst Pick of the Draft: Aww man Buckets couldn’t help himself to all those Dolphins again. He grabbed DeVante Parker 3 rounds too early. Maybe he just wanted a WR corps made up of Devontes.

9. PowerFranks Gore

Yahoo Grade: C+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, PowerFranks Gore Should Probably Stop Reading This Draft Recap Now” Yikes. I didn’t leave the draft super ecstatic about my team, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: No Rhys Farts

Worst Pick of the Draft: Spencer Ware. This would’ve been an amazing pick value pick 2 days earlier. Dude was projected to be a top-20 RB, had an ADP of 47, and I got him at 76. But as soon as I stuck the sticker to the draft board, I heard someone say, “He’s out for the season right?” and not in that joking, gotcha around way. We went down for Pizza Break right after that, and I was never the same the rest of the night. And it had nothing to do with the 7 slices of Domino’s pizza.

8. Patsfaninthecloset

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Brett Favre is Just a Phone Call Away. Patsfaninthecloset grabbed a couple of QBs (Marcus Mariota and Eli Manning) that’ll both be on bye in Week 8, and will be looking for a signal-caller. You can try to call Brett, but texting him isn’t exactly encouraged.” I love the commitment to this joke. Some fantasy writer at Yahoo thought this was comedy gold.

Best Pick of the Draft: The Three Headed Monster. Only Micho would go out and BUY a tap for the keg at a fantasy draft, then get one with three taps AND a foot pedal. The foot pedal was clutch, once I actually figured out how to get my hoedown foot going.

Worst Pick of the Draft: 2 Defenses again Micho?! At least you didn’t pick 2 kickers again, but still. Come on!

7. BigBrendoBrand

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “BigBrendoBrand should use Week 8 to think about anything other than fantasy football, like, based on principal, should vegetarians be allowed to eat animal crackers?” There are a couple versions of this one, and they’re all pretty good: “…why don’t the pants worn by Dr. Bruce Banner rip when he transforms into the Hulk?” or my favorite, “….why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?” Also, the “Schedule” part of the Yahoo recaps usually said, “Well on Week 8, there team is screwed.” Yeah, no shit! There are 6 teams on bye Weeks 8 & 9. And four each during Weeks 5, 6, 10, & 11. Odds are there’s gonna be a week that your team is screwed.

Best Pick of the Draft: The keg. I mean, I don’t think anyone came close to their allotted 19 beers, but it still made me feel like a Big Brendo Baller.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Pierre Garcon. I actually like this pick, but grabbing him at 74 when his ADP was 97 was a bit of a reach.

6. #Brady40MainiHorny

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “#Brady40MainiHorny may have to rely on a Ouija board each week.” I don’t even really know what this means, or even if it’s good or bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: Reshad Jones. This was the last pick of the draft. This is a great pick. He was hurt last year, but he scored 170 points the year before!

Worst Pick of the Draft: No custom shirt. I found the oversized throwback Hawks jersey entertaining, but not as entertaining as taking off your shirt to reveal wearing a tank top with your face on Tom Brady’s body.

5. Tiger’s Wood

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Maybe You Should Add Tony Gonzalez While You’re At It. Tiger’s Wood must have missed the point of drafting a back-up. In Week 11, both Greg Olsen and Jack Doyle will be on bye.” OH SHIT! That’s some shade right there, Yahoo. You got ’em good! JD drafted two QBs with the same bye week too, by the way.

Best Pick of the Draft: Isaiah Crowell. JD grabbed a projected top-15 RB 14 picks after his ADP. That was the first of, like, 4 guys he scooped from me (I was also eyeing Crowder and Maclin before he scooped them). I swear JD and I had the same cheatsheet. Except somehow, he gets a B and I get a C+

Worst Pick of the Draft: I don’t even know. Yahoo says he built “a squad with minimal risk, grabbing 11 “low-risk” players out of 19 picks” Ugh. Typical JD. Never taking any risks in life. Boring old JD…. Dammit. This would’ve been so much more fun if JD hadn’t actually won a championship.

4. Spoiler Alert

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “With Some Early Gambles, Spoiler Alert is of the Average Variety.” ‘Average Variety’ is some Mariah Carey/RuPaul’s Drag Race-level shade.

Best Pick of the Draft: Steak Tips. And taking Brown and Gronk with his first and second picks.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Coming like an hour late to the draft. Both Buckets and Vegas were late for the draft. Buckets a least has two children as an excuse.

3. Beat Micho-gan

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With an average of 7.9 years of NFL experience, Beat Micho-gan has the greatest chance of losing a player to osteoporosis.” It’s crazy that their algorithm includes something that looks for old players, and then someone wrote this. Do you think there’s one about young players/rookies?

Best Pick of the Draft: Chocolate Trifle Pudding. I spent the week before shit-talking dessert and JeffWho blew the fucking roof off the top floor with that trifle. It was de-goddamn-licious.

I also liked the Landon Collins pick in the 11th round a lot.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Olivier Vernon. It’s a last round flier but this is some Giant fandom bullshit through and through. Also JeffWho took Matt Bryant in the 14th round.

2. Halftime in Cinci

Yahoo Grade: A-

Best Line from Yahoo Draft Recap: “These players will be heavily relied upon by Halftime in Cinci, as they are the best group of WRs in the league.” When PWood took Allen Robinson in the 4th Round, we were all like, “Well he’s stacked at WR, but what’s he gonna go with the rest of his team?” I guess he’ll do just fine. Or at least according to Yahoo. I’m not sure Mark Ingram, Paul Perkins, and Eddie Lacy are the best starting RBs though.

Best Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Graham. Even though he still only had WRs at this point and no RBs, grabbing Graham at 56 was pretty good value.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Eddie Lacy. He’s fat.

1. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Yahoo Grade: B+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Grabbing C.J. Mosley at pick 168 was, let’s say, conceptually adventurous.” I’m not sure if Yahoo’s automated draft reacapping shade thrower has figured that IDPs are a thing. Jesus, imagine if you played in an IDP league, I bet everybody gets F’s. “Taking JJ Watt 1st overall would’ve been a good pick, if you were dropped on your head.”

Best Pick of the Draft: Drew Brees. It was a bit early (9 picks before ADP) but it’s worth it. The guy slings the goddamn football. 673 times last year! Only Joe Flacco threw the ball that much last year.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Justin Tucker. You don’t take a kicker in the 13th round. Toppa Champs don’t take kickers 5 rounds too early. Champions don’t even take kickers during the draft.


I’ve never been more excited than to type this. Set your lineups fellas. Football is back! Football is BACK!! FOOTBALL IS BACK!!! FOOOTTBAVLLLA IS BAVCAIUSNFKJASFH:AIHO!!! The World Champion New England Patriots (-8.5) take on the Chiefs tonight in Foxborough. No ColorRush needed! All the Color is Rushing to my penis!

Opening Night! Football! TOPPA!


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Week 8 Power Rankings

Happy Halloween motherfuckers!

Halloween, a time when adults get to dress up and get drunk. A time when lazy guys can put a red sox hat and say, “I’m Big Papi”. A time when those really creative people can put in like two weeks of work, sewing their own costume and then show everyone else up at the party and make you feel like shit. A time when women can dress like a slutty cat, or a slutty princess, or a slutty police officer, or a slutty superhero, or a slutty… ebola nurse ??? And if women want to be creative… you cut that shit out.

Here’s a fun map of the most googled Halloween costumes by state. Some thoughts:

  1. Of course Rhode Island is googling how to be a cat for Halloween. Not only are we so fucking unoriginal, we’re fucking stupid too. “I dunno Lindsey, I really want to be a cat this yeah, but I just got no idear how to do it.” “Me too. Let’s google it and find out! Oh look, this one is only 40 dollahs and looks nothin’ like a cat!” “This is gonna be great! Let’s go get some coffemilk”
  2. Who or what is Slender Man?
  3. Arkansas is full of sluts.

Anyway, let’s jump right into it this week, I’ve got to get back to trying to convince my girlfriend to wear a costume that requires eyeblack. This week I’ve got so many Halloween candy hot takes to share. Starting with:

Dog Shit of the Week

Ollie_cam

Root Beer Barrel Candy: This is just a personal preference, but fuck you if you like root beer. It tastes like shit; Cam Newton: All Cams are the worst. No one named Cam is cool. Except Cam’ron. He’s pretty fucking cool. Anyway, when a QB doesn’t do shit, it totally kills you in this league. 9 points from your QB and you’re gonna lose, doesn’t matter if Arian Foster goes for 43 points. Can Cam Newton finally stop with the fucking towel-hoodie thing? He looks like a jackass.

Runners Up: Grape Jolly Ranchers. Grape candy in general is pretty gross, but this one especially offensive. As far as I’m concerned, it’s sour apple and watermelon, and nothing else matters; Wes Welker: I bet he wishes he wasn’t handing out those hundreds anymore. He’s gonna need em in a year or two; Whoppers: They even look like little pieces of shit. Torrey Smith: Zip. 2 targets, Zero catches, 0 points; Vincent Jackson: 13 yards. Why did the Pats not trade for this guy? We probably could’ve gotten him for a 7th rounder and a ham sandwich.

#PowerRankings

12. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 12)

Stale Popcorn Ball

There was this old guy who lived on Malbone who gave these out every year. I was convinced they were the same ones every year. You really think he was cooking up 3-4 dozen popcorn balls the night before Halloween? Especially since there was no way he gave them all out. Not after we all found out he was handing out the same old shit as the year before. I bet he just threw them in a box with all the Halloween decorations.

11. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 9)

Almond Joy and Mounds

Both these candy bars can get fucked. Seriously, take your coconut and get the fuck out of here. Fucking gross.

10. Tom Tupa (Last Week: 11)

Dum Dums

The inferior lollypop. Sure they’re tasty, but they’re tiny! And there’s nothing inside. No gum. No tootsie rolls. Just 2 minutes and 30 seconds worth of “red” flavor. Kinda like Brendo’s current winning streak. It could go one more week, with an away game at Austin coming up. But stupid Justin’s team is coming to town the following week.

9. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)

“Fun Size” Starburst

Starbursts are pretty delicious. And they’re on the healthier end of the Halloween candy spectrum since they’re made from fruit. But the Fun Size version of them is the worst. You rip open that little two pack hoping to get some orange and yellow glory, but god help you if it turns up double red.

8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)

Candy Corn

So many candy corn hot takes. I used to love it. I would eat it until I got sick. But now, my threshold for shoving candy corn into my gullet until my stomach hurts has decreased significantly. When I was a little kid, I could’ve eaten a whole 1-lb and been good to go. Now I have a handful and my eyes dilate like I’m some Japanese anime character and I pass out like Bubbles after shooting up heroin. I’ve also come to like the brown ones better than the traditional yellow ones. (I say brown, because that shit is not even close to chocolate. Let’s not pretend.) Now I get all disappointed when I have to eat the yellow ones and not the brown ones. Don’t even get me started on the pumpkins. THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR FOR ONE PERSON TO CONSUME IN ONE BITE.

This is pretty fitting since my team makes me sick to my fucking stomach.

7. Retiringthisseason (Last Week: 5)

Smarties

The only thing these things have going for them is that there’s like 35 of them in that little plastic sleeve. I don’t care if you like them, (honestly, I kinda like them) but besides the 3 days following Halloween, tell me when you’ve even eaten Smarties, never mind craved them. These candies only exist to be thrown into trick-or-treaters pillowcases and then bum out said trick-or-treaters when they realized what they got. I would love to be the CEO of SmartiesCorp. You work for a month. Your overhead is like nothing: you only need to purchase plastic wrap, a shit-ton of sugar and some industrial-sized, Smartie-making machine. Then it’s living like a BOWSS for the other 11 months of the year. You probably make like $6 billion a year. Corporate flights wherever you want to go (The plane is, of course, painted to look like a roll of Smarties).  Houses all over the world. Blowjobs from your secretary. Sorry, sorry, that was rude. Personal assistant. Plus, all the Smarties you can eat! God I hate my job.

6. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 7)

Tootsie Rolls

The packing peanuts of Halloween. You love the guy who just holds a bowl out filled with candy and just tells you to take some. So you being the greedy little kid you are, grab a huge handful. Low and behold, 75% of what you grabbed was Toostie Rolls. Mmmmm this eraser tastes like chocolate.

5. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 3)

“Fun Size” Butterfinger

So much deliciousness. SOOOO much shit in your teeth. In this case, the deliciousness is Arian Foster and the shit in your teeth is the rest of Josh’s team.

4. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 10)

Kit Kat

Kit Kats. Yeah, okay. They are… good.

3. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 4)

Twix

Twix is secretly the one of the best fucking candies out there. The only problem is, on Halloween, you only get the single mini one. The best part about Twix is you get TWO delicious cookie bars. I can’t describe the joy I feel after smashing one artfully-crafted cookie covered in caramel and chocolate into my face, only to find I get to do it again.

2.Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 2)

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups

Oh hey, let’s just take two of the most delicious things on the planet and put them together into a perfectly crafted candy delivery device.

1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

King Size Snickers

There’s no better candy than Snickers. The perfect blend of chocolate, whatever the fuck nougat is, peanuts and caramel. So delicious. I’d totally have sex with a Snickers right now. And throw on top that it’s a huge one. Nevermind that bullshit “Fun Size”. It’s not even regular size. That shit is King Size. The size a king would eat! Imagine your 10-year-old self getting this while trick or treating. You’d be planning the rest of you night around that candy bar. Do you eat right away when you get home? Do you save it for that perfect time? Do you bring it to lunch the next day to show it off to all your friends? Throw it down on the lunch table and smash it in half like that giant Snickers was Thor’s hammer? Man I wish I was a little kid again. That’s not true, I was the most awkward kid ever.

Be sure to set your lineups there’s like 17 teams on bye this week. Saints play the Panthers tonight.