I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.