James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.

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2017 Power Ranks – Week 6

It’s finally (FINALLY!) starting to feel like fall. You can really feel that crispness in the air, and that means it’s vest weather. I love vest weather. It’s the best. I present to you now, an ode to my vest:

Oh vest, my vest
How you are the best

You keep me warm when it is cool,
but not, like, freezing
And the way you embrace me
is really, quite pleasing

You keep my core warm,
no need to worry about my arms
Keeping my core warm,
that’s one of your many charms

You’re not one of those dorky, fleece vests
worn by a guy who sells real estate
You know the type. He wears khakis and a polo,
and his name is probably Brad or Nate

The time we share is special,
it’s only October and November
But when I walk down the street,
it’s you and me the ladies remember

You get me excited for fall,
like dark beer, football and flannel
You are the clothing version
of the NFL RedZone channel

Dog Shit of the Week

The injury bug. You know what’s fun? Watching Odell Beckham, Aaron Rodgers, Julian Edelman, David Johnson and JJ Watt play football. If you were to draft the ten guys to put on a cereal box, these 5 guys would on that list. This sucks. This season makes no sense.

This week’s level: Sweetheart, I’m just going to hide behind you while they’re throwing all this bullshit at me.

Now, The Lox taught me that I should want a Ride or Die Bitch, so I can appreciate a man’s wife going to bat for him. But, I get the sense that Roger comes home from a hard day’s work of denying concussions, complicating the rules, kowtowing to the owners, and spilling coffee on his shirt (I just picture him being bad at everything he does) and sits down at the dinner table, and his wife goes, “Honey, how was your day?” and he responds, “Well people were really mean to me on Twitter today. I just don’t get it. I try so hard to squeeze every single penny out of this sport without once thinking of the players and fans, I don’t understand why people are so grumpy.” And his wife fires up the Twitter machine, creates a few burner accounts and defends her man. I mean, she does work for Fox News, so she has a lot of practice defending a bumbling, in over his head, lying, liar who lies. It must’ve been her gut reaction.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

I can’t do 12 quick hits this week. I just have one. I got to go to the Pats-Jets game this weekend at the Meadowlands. And the whole experience was so Jetsy. First, getting there seemed so easy. We could ride the train door to door, so we didn’t need to worry about traffic or parking, or anything like that. In fact, I grabbed myself a Dunkin cup and threw some beer in there for the ride. (Sidebar: It was fun that every time I took a sip, my dumb brain expected coffee. And then I’d get this nice surprise that it was actually beer. Like my brain was like “here comes more mediocre coffee” and then my mouth goes “mmmm, that’s cold and delicious. Hang on, that’s drunk juice!” And I never figured it out.) But it turns out there’s no easy way to get there. The train ride there was an hour and forty-five minutes, when it was supposed to be an hour. And the train ride home took 3! Well, an hour of that was waiting in “line” for the train. But since it was about five thousand people waiting in line, coming from different directions, with no clear ways to corral the crowds into real lines, it felt more like this, than waiting for the train home.

More Jetsy things:

  • The “Ring of Honor” had 6 people on it, 4 of which I’d never heard of.
  • The stadium was 50/50 Jets to Pats fans.
  • The most popular Jets jersey in the stadium was Joe Namath. That guy played 40 years ago! And the Super Bowl he won was almost 50!! Also, not that good. The guy was 62-63, with 173 TDs and 220 interceptions.
  • They did a big intro thing, with the loud music, smoke, green flames and these inflatable Jets making the tunnel. On the big screen, they then showed these two guys opened the doors to let the team run onto the field… and there were no Jets. The Jets can’t even run onto the field right.
  • This was an item they gave to all the fans:

  • In case you can’t make it out, It’s a 24-inch strip of foam, that says “Jet Up.” There is no special shape, it’s just a straight, square piece of foam. They took a ton of 50-foot strips of foam, printed the world’s worst slogan on it, cut it into 2-foot pieces, gave it away for free, and the fans LOVED it.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho put up the second lowest score of the year, scoring 78.40*. JeffWho didn’t have a single player, besides his QB, score in double digits. His second highest scoring player was LB Wesley Woodyard (great name!) with 9.00. Maybe if you stopped worrying about your stupid, dumb Yankees who are stupid and dumb, you might actually win a few games. Also, what happened to your avatar? Come on JeffWho!!

*I woke up this morning and this had been stat corrected. Don’t worry, his score still sucks.

11. Halftime in Cinci

In the ongoing saga of PWood’s fantasy season, this week he lost by 2.30, which was the second-smallest margin of the year. The first-smallest (most-smallest? Very-smallest? Smallest-smallest?) margin of the year was 1.45, when I barely beat… PWood. So, in case you’re keeping score at home, and/or want to be mean to PWood and bring this stuff up regularly, he has been a part of the two closest matchups of the season, and lost them both. He has also been blown out by the most points, when he lost by 92 points, to his brother of all people. He’s had the most points scored against him than any other team in the league. And last week, he had the second highest point total of the week, but lost because Brendo had the highest. But you have a beautiful baby girl. So, that’s a thing that’s good. Right?

10. Patsfaninthecloset

Five losses in a row.

9. Tiger’s Wood

JD’s team only managed 108 points this week. Melvin Gordon (27 points) played well for him, and that’s basically it. Every other one of his players underperformed their projected scores. His three wide receivers combined for 8.80 total points.

8. BigBrendoBrand

How the great ones fall. BigBrendoBrand has gone belly up, as Brendo’s team couldn’t manage to score a hundred points. 75% of his team scored in single digits, including Jameis Winston, who ended up getting hurt.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Tough break for JBiggs. Going into Monday night he had a 15-point lead and Woody had only one player left to play. He ended up losing by 14 (more on this in a second). This was after putting up the third highest total of the week and having seven players score 9 or more points. This loss, combined with JD’s loss, also breaks up the weekly DeSwitchtis, which I guess I’m fine with, because I couldn’t really figure out a clever enough name for it.

6. Finding Foerster

Buckets has now one two in a row. That’s the power of the name change, baby! Buckets pulled out a 2-point victory over JD, thanks to 22 points from Matt Stafford and 20 from Jay Ajayi.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

It looks like Timmy lit that fuse and stuck it right into his huge dick, because his team was up and ready to go. After not even being able to score 100 points last week, Timmy’s team put up the 5th highest score of the week and brought his team back to .500. And he did it all without A.A.Ron!

What he’s going to do for the rest of the season, that’s the question. Good god! That’s Phil Rivers’ music!

4. Dessert First

If Woody’s Week 3 blowout of his brother was POWER, I don’t know what this week was. Down by 12 points, things didn’t look good for Woody. In fact, he was given a 0% chance to win:

He only had Derrick Henry left playing. The Titans were up by 6 and running out the clock. In the final minute of the game, Derrick Henry rushes for a 73-yard touchdown. The play puts him over 100 yards for the night. The result of that one play is 23.30 points. Not only did this play crush JBiggs’s dreams, it crushed mine as well, since Woody ended up getting half a point more than me, for the highest score payout.

3. PowerFranks Gore

And just like that I’m back, baby! I had 5 players (Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, Todd Gurley, Carlos Hyde and the LA defense) score 19 points or more. You could take those players and leave out the Rams, and I still woulda beat JeffWho. But we’re gonna go ahead and count all the players on my team, which results in an 89-point blowout.

2. Spoiler Alert

Also back? Vegas. After losing two in a row, he’s now won 2 in a row. This week, he’s on track to be the first team to break 1000 points this season. Antonio Brown scored 30.50 points and Gronk added another 20.30, as Vegas squeaked out a 2 point victory over PWood.

1. #Brady40MainiHorny

You don’t have to like the method, but it get results. In a season when the Rams, Vikings, Eagles, Panthers and Chiefs are the best teams in the league, it would make sense that the team in first place in our league would have the 5th lowest point total. #Nick pulled out a win over Brendo this week by scoring a whopping 111 points.

Be sure to set your lineups. The Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders are at home against the Chefs (-3). For Color Rush™, Oakland will be wearing all white and not all black, because we can’t have nice things, and Kansas City will be in all red again. There’s football in London this week! But sadly the game kicks off at 1pm our time, so no football with your pancakes. The game (Rams-Cardinals) is being played at Twickenham (which is the national rugby stadium) this time, instead of Wembley, because Tottenham play Liverpool at Wembley at 11am on Sunday. That has the potential to be a good game with lots of goals. Both teams score a lot and Liverpool’s defense is porous.

Enjoy the weekend!


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 5

Dog Shit of the Week

Bruce Arena. I assume that after waking up yesterday, turning on the 7am SportsCenter and seeing Tayler Twellman apoplectic, Woody sent me this:

I got you buddy. Here’s a bedtime story you can tell Mary:

There once was a king of a far away land known as Soccertowne, King Bruce. Now this king was not very smart and often ruled his subjects in ways that didn’t make sense. Soccertowne was under attack from many dragons, and it was up to King Bruce to protect Soccertowne. Soccertowne had been almost destroyed from attacks of other dragons, many dragons that the King Bruce and his knights should have beaten in battle.

But things were starting to turn around in Soccertowne. When it looked like Soccertowne would be lost, the king’s best knight, Sir Pulisic of Dortmund, a young talented knight, the best knight Soccertowne had ever seen, killed an attacking dragon. Now the king and his knights could protect Soccertowne once and for all by travelling to the barren lair of a very weak, wimpy dragon. But King Bruce’s plan of attack was all wrong. Instead of having Sir Pulisic on the front lines, attacking the dragon, like he did in the previous battle, King Bruce put him around the sides of the dragon’s lair, and he could not attack the dragon as often as he should have. King Bruce also put his favorite knight, Sir Bradley, son of Bob, in charge of the catapult. Long ago, in a time when Soccertowne was not the most powerful kingdom in the land, Sir Bradley was a good knight. But Sir Bradley had gotten old, and his aim is not as good as it used to be, and all his catapult missiles were nowhere near the wimpy dragon. The wimpy dragon saw that King Bruce’s plan was all wrong and went on the attack towards Soccertowne. King Bruce’s defense was flawed. The castle walls were poorly constructed and full of holes. The guards always looked in the wrong direction.

The last line of defense for Soccertowne was the old wizard Tim. The old wizard had pulled off some amazing displays of magic to protect Soccertowne in the past, but Tim was not as quick as he once was. He could not grab his wizard staff fast enough to save Soccertowne. The weak dragon attacked, and suddenly Soccertowne was in flames. How could this happen? Sir Pulisic struck the dragon with a mighty blow, but it was not enough. And suddenly, two more dragons attacked Soccertowne. A Blue Dragon of Hondur and a Panamanian Red Dragon both swept in and attacked Soccertowne. King Bruce’s knights shouldn’t have had to worry about these two dragons since they had done battle with them before, but since they retreated from that battle, those dragons were still somehow alive. Somehow the Red Dragon blew a fireball that didn’t actually hit any Soccertowne houses, but still they caught on fire. Soccertowne was fully engulfed in flames. There was no way to put the fire out.

Now the kingdom of Soccertowne is no more. They had no chance of becoming one of the great kingdoms in the World of Cup. King Bruce stands in his kingdom of ash “claiming nothing had to change.”

“But doesn’t it?” the townspeople asked. “Shouldn’t a king tasked with vanquishing dragons, defeat more than 3 dragons, when going to battle 10 times?” It’s time for a new king; one the townspeople deserve. A king who knows the value of Sir Pulisic of Dortmund and puts him in the center of the battlefield. A king who knows better ways to raise the townspeople to be better knights. A king who no longer depends on old knights who do battle in the League of Major, but those who are young and strong enough to do battle in Germania and Albion. Soccertowne needs a new king.

There is no happy ending to this fairy tale.

And now the adult version:

Fuck this fucking fuck with a thousand fuck poles. ARENA OUT* Are you fucking kidding me?!!??! (I have now reached the “anger” level of my grief) How do you lose to Trinidad & Tobago?!? A country has the GDP of Vermont and the population of New Hampshire?! This shit face had one thing to do, and that was to: Not. Lose. But he did. He managed to lose to the worst team in our really terrible qualifying group.

*For my less-soccer savvy readers, this is a very british way of calling for a soccer manager to be fired (or sacked, as they say). Arsenal fans have been chanting “Wenger out!” weekly, for almost 5 years.

On Friday, with our backs up against the wall, the United States HAD to win to stay alive in World Cup qualifying. What happened? Arena played our best player, Pulisic (this isn’t even blowing smoke, he is the best player on the field in 90% of CONCACAF games), in the center of the field, where he dictated the game, got a ton of touches, controlled the tempo of the game (read: pushed the ball up field and attacked), showed great chemistry with the two forwards, ended up scoring a brilliant goal, making a hell of an assist on another one, and the USA won 4-0.

So now, we go to fucking Trinidad, or Tobago, or maybe both, but instead of playing the exact same lineup that won 4-0 and showed great chemistry, Bruce Arena decided to stinker-tinker with the lineup. And he may as well have taken that shit on the field. He played Pulisic on the right wing. Playing your best player on the wing does two things to your team, both of which are bad. One, when your best player is resigned to ⅓ of the field, instead of playing in the center of it, he has less chances to touch the ball and then create opportunities with it. Two, if said best player is standing out on the wing, he’s much easier to play defense against, rather than if he’s in the middle of the field, switching places with other fielders, and generally getting into trouble. When he’s in the center of the field, it also draws attention away from other players, who can get open for good chances. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW!!! Goddammit!!!! This isn’t even specific to soccer! This is like sticking Lebron or Russell in the corner to shoot threes. Hmmmm get my best player the ball as much as possible??!? No, that sounds like a silly idea. FUCK YOU!

Also, the rest CONCACAF has figured out a way to play Pulisic and that’s to beat the shit out of him. I blame Arena for this too. He should be BERATING the refs from start to finish about this. As should “Oh captain, my motherfucking poor excuse for a captain,” Michael Bradley. Also our huge defensemen, like Omar Gonzalez and Geoff Cameron should get up in the faces of the guys who hit him that hard. It’s painfully obvious how deliberate the other team is being in kicking the shit out of our best player. Grow a pair! Back the kid up!

There’s a part of me that’s like, “Well maybe this is the wake up call the US needs for soccer.” Burn it all to the ground. Start over with a new plan. Get rid of Arena. Get rid of Sunil Gulati (the president of US Soccer). This is on him too. We should all remember that the issue went back to Jurgen Klinsmann, who couldn’t find a lineup he liked in 5 years. Gulati then replaced him with Bruce Arena, a guy who wasn’t great at his job THE FIRST TIME (back in the late 90s & early 2000s). And we all went, “Oh, I don’t really like this idea. He’s clearly not the coach of the future, but he’ll right the ship, get us into the World Cup. Then who knows? Maybe we’ll get into the quarterfinals, which we’ll count as a win. Then afterwards, we’ll replace him with the true savior of US Soccer.” What kind of fucked up plan is that?! This was the coaching version of a rebound. Except the sex wasn’t even good. We just watched Netflix and literally chilled. But it wasn’t even good Netflix, we watched all 8 seasons of Bones.

But the other part of me… Oh, the other part of me gets dark. As you now know, the US is not in the World Cup this summer. The World Cup is the perfect storm for US Soccer. It’s in the middle of summer, during the day, so it’s not competing against other sports, and the sport is easy enough to understand that anyone can jump in every 4 years, follow along and chant “USA! USA!” It’s an actual excuse to cut out of work and go day drink in the middle of June. Now, that’s no longer a thing. Sure, people will watch. I’ll watch it all. But I love soccer. However, I’m gonna have a much harder time pulling Woody to the bar to watch a game if the US isn’t playing, even if it’s a team like Brazil.

Even worse, there is a whole generation of 6-10 year olds that would’ve watched and rooted for Christian Pulisic go up against the best in the world. They would’ve wanted to be like him. They would’ve started juggling in the backyard and kicking a ball against the house. The soccer fans (and more importantly, players) of my generation remember the ‘94 USA team. We went to the quarterfinals when we had no business being there. We all remember Alexi Lalas, Ernie Stewart, Joe-Max Moore, Cobi Jones, Marcelo Balboa, Eric Wynalda and Toni Meola’s mullet beating Columbia in the Rose Bowl. What will this generation remember? What will be their denim colored, stars and stripes jersey?

So blow it all up. Fire Arena. Fire Gulati. Fuck it, make Clint Dempsey the coach. Say “thanks, but see ya later” to Michael Bradley and Tim Howard and Jozy Altidore and 100-year-old DeMarcus Beasley and Wondo and Zusi. Build the team around Pulisic. And fuck the goddamn MLS.

This week’s level: I can’t hear the conversation because of all this bullshit in my ears.

A memorandum from the desk for Roger Goodell:

So let me get this straight. A protest, which by its very definition is to speak out against something, and therefore begin a dialogue, is a “barrier to having conversations”? Is it? How so? How is players kneeling and/or holding their fists up (which is weird it’s getting lumped in with the kneeling thing) acting as a “barrier” for the owners and commissioner to have a discussion on police brutality in America? There’s a lot of words in the letter above, so I’ll give you the abridged version: “Players kneeling during the anthem is giving us a lot of bad press that we don’t want. Many players want to have a conversation about how they feel, but that conversation is really hard, so let’s just make this all go away, instead.”

I think we need one of those bullshit CNN townhalls for this. Let’s put Richard Sherman, Michael and Martellus Bennet up on a stage with Double J and have them answer a couple debate questions. I bet the players would stop kneeling for a chance at that shit. Let’s put Marshawn Lynch up there too, just to liven things up a bit.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

It was a low scoring week. This week’s average score was less than 130 points. Only two teams managed to score 150 points this week, and they ended up playing each other. We’ve also got a bit more consistency this week in the top, and bottom, of the league with the best and worst teams standing pat.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Did you enjoy apple picking this weekend? Or did you go to a pumpkin patch with your kids instead? Maybe you went on a hike. Or perhaps you went to Cardi’s to get a new dresser or bed frame that you’ve needed for a while. I tell you what, you’ll be glad you did, because the football was pretty bad this weekend. God Bless Chris Hanson for giving me the hard sell. He told me we had “2 games that weren’t close, but every other game is a one possession game.” Meanwhile looking at the screen showed me two games where there wasn’t a single touchdown scored and three others that were tied at 10. Hooo-eee. That’s some good football!!

Micho had 6 players score 5 or less points this week. Micho’s team has dropped 4 in a row and is averaging 108 points per week. He’s also got like 7 guys in his starting lineup that if I saw a picture of them, I’d have no idea who they were.

11. Beat Micho-gan

I was at a bar watching football a week or two ago, and one of the guys I was with sees the commercial for the new Jackie Chan movie, and turns to me and goes “Jackie Chan has a new movie?!” We then proceeded to have a 30 minute conversation about how awesome Jackie Chan is. I didn’t used to think he was that awesome because I only knew him as Rush Hour Jackie Chan, where he was goofy and I did not understand the words coming out of his mouth. But since then, I’ve seen more of his movies, and I’ll tell you what, Jackie Chan kicks fucking ass. Watch Supercop, The Legend of Drunken Master and Rumble in the Bronx. He whips so many dudes asses in the most creative ways. Also he gets hurt like so many times doing those stunts and keeps doing them, it’s awesome. I love that dude. Now he gets his own version of Taken. And it’s 78% on Rotten Tomatoes. Sign me up.

Beat Micho-gan, is starting to look more like Be Micho Again. That pun needs work. Oh well, JeffWho’s team is not very good. He and Micho have the two lowest point totals in the league and are the only two teams yet to score 600 points. And just in case you wanted more examples of their crappiness they have the 2nd and 4th lowest Points Against totals, meaning their losses aren’t just bad luck, they’re just plain bad.

10. FuseLitHugeDick

You may have noticed that I make a pick each week for the Thursday games, as well as the London games if they’re happening. Last year, I went 10-6-1. If I actually gambled, I’d have made a nice little pile of money. This year, if you’ve been paying attention to my picks, you’d be making a lot more money… by betting the exact opposite of what I pick. I am currently 2-5-0. Maybe Boom Boom was right to get mad for listening to me.

FuseLitLimpDick more like it! Timmy failed to score a hundred points this week as he lost to Woody 126.35 – 98.35. Ten of Timmy’s starting twelve players failed to score double digits this week. Four of them scored under 4.

9. CheesyGorditaCruch

Thursday Night Football is fucking with my eyes, and I’m not talking about ColorRush. The down and distance is on the left side of the score bar at the bottom of the screen. Fox, CBS, NBC, and ESPN on the other hand, all have the down and distance on the RIGHT side of the score bar thingy. So, for 94% of all football games I watch, if I’m wondering what down it is and how far to go for a first down, I look to the bottom right side of the screen. But for Thursday Night Football, I have to look to the goddamn lower left. I can’t reteach myself how to watch football! I spent the entire 3rd quarter of the Pats-Bucs game thinking it was 3rd down. Big play here, it’s 3rd and 8:09 to go.

After scoring over 160 points last week, and thrashing me by almost 20 points. JBiggs could only manage 111 points this week. You couldn’t have laid this egg last week? JBiggs saw Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb combine for 5 catches for 37 yards (3.70 points), and had his two LBs total 5 solo and 5 assisted tackles (6 points combined).

8. Halftime in Cinci

This week in”What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: The following players were the top-6 tight ends in fantasy last week: Ed Dickson, Darren Fells, George Kittle, Cameron Brate, Zach Ertz and David Njoku. Those 6 players combined for over 100 points. 4 of those 6 guys were not on anyone’s team. At the time, Dickson was 4% owned, Fells was 0%, Kittle was 1% and Njoku was owned by 7% of all fantasy players.

Tough break for PWood. In a week where he put up the second highest total, he ran up against Brendo, who happened to put up 9 points better. PWood is now 1-4 and is by far the most unlucky team in the league. He’s had 742 points scored against him (that’s almost 150 points per week!) so far this season. That’s 30 points more than the next worst team. He’s on pace to have 1930 points scored on him this year, which would be worst in the league by more than 100 points.

7. Finding Foerster

I love me some color Rush, but maybe white isn’t the best idea:

I’m just really happy Nike put another layer of material in the butts.

Oooooohhh yeah! There’s nothing I love more than a team name change. It’s the sure fire way to put an end to a losing streak. Good quality pun too! I had to look up what it meant, but that’s because all the headlines I’d seen were more of the “Miami Offensive Coach Loves Lines” variety. Buckets won by not really getting any good performances from his team, besides 34 (!!) points from the Jacksonville defense. But hey, a win is a win.

6. Dessert First

Not to go full beer nerd on you but… this commercial drives me nuts:

First, please allow me to go quintessential Twitter:

👏🏻Rice👏🏻Is👏🏻Not👏🏻An👏🏻Essential👏🏻Ingredient👏🏻Of👏🏻Beer👏🏻

You don’t need rice to make beer. In fact, you probably shouldn’t use it, since it doesn’t add any flavor or alcohol. It’s basically a filler. This is like saying “Man, I love me some General Tso’s chicken, especially when I get to eat all that white rice afterwards.”

Secondly, you NEED yeast to make beer. Yeast actually IS essential. If you don’t have yeast, your beer has neither alcohol nor carbonation. It doesn’t get you drunk and doesn’t have all those fun bubbles for your tongue. Instead, it’s just yellow water. It’s piss. You would think that since many people make the comparison between Bud Light and piss, that they would try to highlight the one ingredient that actually differentiates them from piss.

Commish got 52 points from his defensive players this week in a 18-point beat down of Timmy. The Miami defense scored 30 points and Telvin Smith had 10 total tackles and a pick-6 to add 20 more points for Woody.

5. PowerFranks Gore

I bought 3 work shirts this week. Each one was 50% off with only $5 shipping and since I now spend like 70% of my life in a work shirt, spending 60 bucks is not that bad of a deal. But I agonized over this decision for like 3 days. I looked at all the sale’s offerings, then waited a day. Put 2 shirts in my cart, then removed one, then put 2 more in my cart. Then waited a day. Then checked my bank account. Then realized that at the end of the day, the sale would probably end, so I should take the deal and finally bought them. The following day, I went to a brewery and bought $120 worth of beer without even blinking. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. It’s all coming crumbling down. I’ve fallen from first to fifth in 2 weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but this week my team could only muster up 109 points in a 30-point loss to JD. Deshaun Watson was the highest scoring player in the league this week, scoring 53.15 points. That however, was basically half my points, as I had 8 other players score 5 or less points.

4. Spoiler Alert

Micho gets a lot of shit for constantly having his phone in his hand. Or is that just me? But Vegas has a pretty itchy trigger finger too. Not only did he ruin this year’s Toppa Invite for everyone, he drops Woj bombs before Woj:

Check the timestamps. Vegas out here texting out hot news a full 15 minutes before media arm of the Red Sox, WEEI, can push out the news.

Vegas got things back on track this week with a 13-point victory over JeffWho. His three starting wide receivers (Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill and Chris Hogan) combined for 50.90 points. Zeke Elliot tacked on 20.20 of his own.

3. Tiger’s Wood

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Since so many Toppa Leaguers now have children, I thought it might be helpful if I shared some tips to help these new parents get by. It’s said that one of the hardest parts about having a baby is the lack of sleep. Well, I don’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. You know who said that? Nas. And he’s like a millionaire. So, problem solved.

Another week, another DeSantis DeSwap. JD bounced back from last week’s 118-point performance by putting up 144. Of course, those 118 points were a severe drop off from the 184 he put up the week before. He’s inconsistent, is what I’m saying. Meanwhile his brother lost this week. This is 5 weeks now. When people talk about 2017 being crazy, this is what they’re actually talking about.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Pizza Hut’s new slogan is “Nobody out Pizza’s the Hut” which is ironic, because literally everyone out pizza’s the hut. There are many, many, many pizza places in New York that out pizza the Hut. When I buy two large pizza’s for $15 from 2 Bros Pizza at 3am, and they give me more pizza slices than dollars I spend, even they are out pizza’ing the Hut. When I make english muffin pizzas in my toaster oven, I too am, in fact, out pizza’ing the Hut.

Also, it’s probably not a good idea to have a slogan that makes me think of this every time you say it.

#MainiMagic! It’s a thing. #Nick’s now won three straight. Each week he finds a different way to win. Whether it’s Cam Newton and LeSean McCoy combining for 44.75 points in Week 1, or Sammy Watkins and Devonta Freeman combining for 57.40 in Week 2. Last week, Keenan Allen and the Denver defense combined for 42.80. This week, it didn’t matter that Sammy Watkins scored 0 points, because Dak Prescott scored 36.25.

1. BigBrendoBrand

Big Brendo Brand is getting so big, I’m starting to see merch out here in the city:

Brendo put up back-to-back highest score of the week with 175 last week and 168 this week. Brendo’s now in first place at 4-1 with the second highest point total in the league.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

4-1 BigBrendoBrand takes on 4-1 #Brady40MainiHorny. The winner goes to 5-1 and will be in first place all by themselves. Also, Commish takes on Vice-Commish in a match up of two 2-3 teams.

Philly (+3.5) takes on Carolina tonight. The Eagles will be wearing their traditional colors for their ColorRush uniforms… black. Sigh. Carolina will be in all blue. Enjoy the weekend!


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

convo

8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

betches

Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

bro

And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

oliverfantasy

I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

goodellbsmeter

BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

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Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

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JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

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That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

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And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 7

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It was the Bridge Run again last weekend and I successfully made it up and back down the Newport Bridge. I actually kind of enjoy running road races. You wouldn’t think so because I’m overweight and out of shape. It’s definitely more fun to run with like a thousand people than to run around your neighborhood first thing in the morning, all alone. But the best thing about running a race is you feel justified for eating and drinking whatever you want for the rest of the day. That’s right, you earned it. You ran less than 5 miles, now you can consume 2000 MORE calories than you should. You can drink all the beers you want, you ran a race today. You can go ahead and have that 8th piece of pizza, you ran over a bridge. Shots of fireball? Sure thing, you exercised! 50 piece chicken nuggets late night? I did run all that way only 18 hours ago, add some extra dipping sauces please!

More on the Bridge Run day antics in a moment.

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This Week’s Level: All of the Bullshit. Just full of it. Every shit from every single bull. Ever.

By now, you all know about Giants kicker Josh Brown who abused his wife over 20 times and how the commissioner suspended him for only one game. Oh, sure now he’s on the “Commissioner’s Exempt List” which is his “Whoops, people are making a big deal out of this but I still don’t know how long to suspend him for, so let’s just suspend him indefinitely and I’ll let ESPN figure out how long he should be suspended” list. The commissioner has had an awful week, even for him. I can’t believe he still has a job based on the shit he steps in day-in and day-out. Maybe with this ratings dip, something may actually happen to him, since money’s the only thing the people who employ him care about.

Goodell’s been particularly shitty this week. I’m going to ignore the fact that after Ray Rice, the NFL added a “baseline” six-game suspension for domestic violence to its player conduct policy, but only suspended Brown for one game. I’m also going to ignore that the Giants KNEW about Brown being a horrible person and that his psychiatrist asked him to write down when he abused his wife, so they actually had EVIDENCE of the things he’s done. I’m also going to put aside my homerism and not go on about how my beloved Tom Brady was suspended 4 games for vaguely knowing about some deflated footballs, but a player terrorizes who his wife gets just one game. I’m also not going to talk about how it doesn’t seem fair that the Patriots lost their first round pick for said “vague knowledge” and the Giants won’t lose any picks for this incident. I’ll also ignore that when Goodell was asked to explain why there’s such an effort to crack down on touchdown celebrations but then just a one game suspension for domestic violence, he said this [emphasis mine]:

I understand the public’s misunderstanding of those things and how that can be difficult for them to understand how we get to those positions. But those are things that we have to do. I think it’s a lot deeper and a lot more complicated than it appears but it gets a lot of focus.

That’s right. It’s your and my fault for not understanding these punishments. Not his. It’s MORE complicated than it appears?!?!?! No it’s fucking not!!! The guy beat his wife. Kick him off the team. I’m pretty sure employing a serial domestic abuser tarnishes your precious fucking seal. Fuck. Your. Self.

Like I said, I’m going to ignore all those things. But there’s one thing I will not ignore:

THE NFL MUST BE STOPPED!!! Look. You can charge me $300 for a nose bleed seat at a stadium you’ve somehow convinced the public to pay for with their own tax dollars. You can charge me $75 a month to watch games on my computer with poor quality if I choose to stay home. You can put more and more commercials into games so that their bordering 5 hours long. You can say you support the troops by making them pay to hold those giant fucking flags before games. You can continue to pretend to care about concussions and domestic abuse but clearly don’t.

But this?! This will NOT fly. You cannot charge people money to cheat at Fantasy Football. You’re making it so you can buy the “option” to switch a player with a player on your bench, AFTER THEY’VE PLAYED. For the low price of 99 cents per player, or $3.99 per week, you can buy your fantasy team a cheat code. Is there nothing sacred!? Part of the fun of Fantasy Football is agonizing over who to start any given week. Well, that’s not the fun part. The fun part is then complaining about how you left Jay Ajayi on your bench two weeks in a row. If you can just pay money for the option to replace players in your lineup with those on your bench, how is that fun? That shit is like Westworld. How much fun is a shootout with all those Bad Hombres if you know you can’t die? Goodell will take any chance he can to squeeze a dollar out of us. This is where I draw the line.

Dog Shit of the Week

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Amari Cooper. After catching 16 balls for 267 yards and a touchdown his last two games, Cooper had 4 catches for 29 yards, for 2.90 fantasy points. This was a game where the Raiders had 33 points against a terrible Jaguars team. Woody ended up losing by less than 9 points to me this week. A third big week in a row from Cooper would’ve gotten Woody the win.

#PowerRankings

A little double action in the Power Rankings this week. I’m going to Power Rank each participant in the Bridge Run while Power Ranking each team in Toppa League. It’s going to be super confusing when Micho is ranked high in the Power Ranks but low in the Bridge Ranks. Whatever.

12. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 7)

Cox Cable. Fuck these guys. Fuck every cable company. Ever. Cox kept trying to ruin our fun by cutting out the Redzone channel on us. God forbid you provide the service we pay you for.

Vegas’s team is just awful. Pack it up, the season’s over. And after I went on and on about those scores in the 80s, Vegas puts up 76. That’s the lowest score in 4 years!

11. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 6)

Buckets was rumored to be coming over the house for the Pats game. Woody said he was gonna be a little late since he was having victory sex celebrating the Dolphins win over Bills. Well, Buckets was either having some tantric, Sting-level shit, or he wasn’t used to the Dolphins winning so he lasted 3 seconds and then passed out, because he never came over.

10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 10)

Maloney. Kid was wrecked. I miss the times before Maloney got his Lasik surgery. You could tell right off the bat if he was wasted. All you had to do was look into his Cookie Monster googly eyes. Now you have to wait a full 13 minutes until he drops the C-bomb to know whether he’s shitfaced or not.

There are currently 5 teams who are 3-4. Brendo’s had some bad losses this season, but he’s still in the hunt for the playoffs. He’s got to win 2 or 3 in a row to pull it off though.

9. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 5)

Micho was also wasted. He caught him drinking water around 3pm. Then he went “to go say ‘hi’ to Nana,” and never came back. He will always be the king of the Irish Goodbye.

#Nick’s also one of the 3-4 teams, but he’s had some more bad luck than most. He’s fourth in points but also third in points against. As we look towards the playoffs, he would have a points tie breaker over a lot of teams, but #Nick should just win some games if he wants to get in.

8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 11)

Woody. You know you’re old when the Patriots score and you take victory shots of a health supplement instead of alcohol. Woody served us something called Fire Water? Or Dragon Breath? Or maybe it was Kissing the Dragon? I dunno, something like that. Whatever it was, it was horrifically spicy and refreshing, at the same time. It somehow made me feel awful and healthy, simultaneously. And the next day it made my asshole burn but made my shit smell wonderful.

Timmy grabbed his second win of the year and moved out of last place. I hope he played a couple extra Keno games at Speck’s this week and took advantage of that good luck.

7. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 8)

RhysNice. I lost major points for hashtagging an Instagram post as #bridegrun instead of #bridgerun. This was a much bigger deal at the time. These kids care way more about spelling than they do about telling. I invite you all to take part in next year’s Bride Grun.

PWood managed to get Blowout of the Week with just 138 points. Again, Vegas = sucks.

Speaking of Blowout of the Week, I stopped mentioning those because it was getting difficult due to the combination of it was getting hard to think of weird sex sponsors, it was getting hard to look Boom Boom in the face after writing about those weird sex sponsors, and it was also hard to look for those sex sponsors at work. BUT I received an add for this in my email the other day:

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That’s, KY Duration Spray for Men. I don’t know why they think I would need this. This is not a problem I have. If anything I need spray that makes me NOT last as long as I do, you know what I mean!?!?

Sex products are weird. Like real weird. “Hang on honey, lemme just spray my dick real quick, and then the rest of the night gonna be anything but!” Wink.

6. Wide Right (Last Week: 12)

JBiggs showed up for the Pats game, drank a few Bud Lights, cracked a few jokes, and after the game was over, went home. I don’t really have anything else to say about it, good nor bad.

Once again, JD is near the bottom in scoring but is right there in 5th place, looking for a playoff spot. It’s like you could set your watch to this shit. JD will have a crappy team, but will make the playoffs. And Austin’s team will suck. Every year.

5. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 3)

Brendo. I looked across the bar at 9am on Sunday and saw a short, bearded man that I looked familiar. Turned out it was Brendo. Brendo knows a good drinking day when he sees one. He put in a strong effort all day. Much stronger than his fantasy team, sadly. Brendo also did the TY Hilton dance after a big touchdown, but the touchdown was called back for holding, so he had to take back his dance, and did it in reverse. It actually worked.

Woody and I spent the day rooting for each other’s team, since he had Brady and I had LaGarrett Blount. Both guys had good days, but DSoY Amari Cooper, plus a hurt Stefon Diggs (1.80 points) and Martellus Bennet (0.80 points) really hurt Woody’s team.

4. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 2)

Boom Boom somehow beat me by 2 seconds in the Bridge Run. We started and finished at exactly the same time. The fix is in!

JBiggs has now taken 2 losses in 3 weeks and is averaging 118.32 points in those three match ups. He’s still doing just fine in third place and 5-2, but he’s got a big match up against Woody’s top scoring team.

3. ErectDecker (Last Week: 4)

SueC. Every time Sue walked into the room she brought another snack. And it was always delicious.

Micho righted the ship, putting an end to his 2-game skid. After two weeks of scoring under 130 points, Micho put up almost 148 points and got himself back into second place. I’m still not sure if he’s made it back from Nana’s though.

2. Michos a Gurley-Man (Last Week: 9)

Mrs. Commish. I won’t be bought, though. You can bring all those snacks, but I know where my loyalties lie.

Strong team name change! The best way to motivate your team is to change your team name to a football pun that also makes fun of someone. Well done. And JeffWho got High Score of the Week with Jay Ajayi’s 35.60 points on his bench. That total was the second best from any non-QB player in the league. I bet you wished you had NFL Roster Options!

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1)

Mary. I mean it’s not fair, she’s just so much cuter than everyone else on the list. No one else really had a shot.

It’s really a team game. We work hard all week and then head up into that match up and just try to make plays. No one person is bigger than this team. It’s all about SexyRexy&RobTheSlob. It’s not about one person. It’s about everybody. We’re in a good place right now, but we’re always trying to get better. We won this match up but now we’re looking ahead to ErectDecker. They’re a really good squad and have got some great players. We’ve got to go and have a good week in practice and then execute in our match up.

Make sure to make your picks and set your lineups…. Oh god. Tonight the Titans take on the Jaguars (+3) in Tennessee, but really, who cares? This game is awful. We also get another London game this weekend. And once again we’ve shipped our best teams overseas to try and get British people to like our sport. Cincinnati takes on Washington at 9:30am at Wembley Stadium. You’re probably better off watching West Ham vs. Everton. Smells like an Apple Picking Weekend.

Have a good weekend!