James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 PowerRanks – Toppa Bowl Preview

Well, we’ve reached the end of the Fantasy Football SZN and that means it’s time to give out the Dog Shits of the Year.

2017 Dog Shits of the Year

 

Before we start, let me just say that injuries are not factored into the 2017 DSOY awards, as those aren’t the fault of the players who get hurt. but for the players below, it was very much their fault how much they sucked. But before we get into the 2017 All-Dog Shit team, let us remember a few of the players who got hurt this year and ruined our fantasy season:

*Sniff* *Sniff* It’s just so sad. Okay on to the 2017 All-Dog Shit team:

QB: Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan didn’t score 30 points once this year. He only scored more than 25 points twice. He didn’t reach the passing bonus in a single game. He didn’t have more than 2 TDs in a single game. Last year he was 60 yards short of 5000 yards passing. This year he was 500 yards short of 4000. Oh yeah, and he was the number 1 player in all of fantasy last year. This year he was 63rd.

Runner Up: Drew Brees – He wasn’t awwwwwful, but as the second QB off the draftboard at the top of the 3rd round, JBiggs was thinking he’d get better production than the 10th QB in fantasy.

RB1: Jay Ajayi

Jay Ajayi was the 10th overall pick. He scored only 1 TD all year.

RB2: DeMarco Murray

If you take out the two games where Murray put up 28 and 25 points, he averaged only 6.45 points per game. He only had two other TDs this season outside of those two games and he only had 5 total. He had twice that amount last year, and was the fourth ranked RB in fantasy.

Runner Up: Mike Gillislee – Remember when Gillislee scored 3 TDs in Week 1 and looked like LeGarrette Blount 2.0? Neither does Bill Billicheck. The 22.50 points Gillislee put up in Week 1 accounted for almost half of his season’s points. After a decent-ish Week 2, getting 69 (nice) yards and a TD, he put up 3, 4, 5, 1, 3, and 3 points. He never carried the ball again.

WR1: Mike Evans

Last year Evans had 1300 yards and 12 TDs and was the second ranked WR in fantasy. Because of that, Micho took him 9th overall. This year, Mike Evans never had 100 yards receiving in a game and only scored 5 TDs. Last year Evans was the 40th overall player in fantasy. This year, he’s the 140th.

WR2: Amari Cooper

Last year, Amari Cooper went for over 1100 yards and 5 TDs. This year, Amari Cooper basically forgot how to catch the ball. He failed to break 100 fantasy points on the year, and if you take away the freak 200-yard game, he scored 3 points a game.

WR3: Jordy Nelson

No one missed A.A.Ron more than Jordy. Except maybe Timmy. After Rodgers got hurt, Jordy scored 7.00, 1.30, 3.50, 2.00, 2.40, 1.10, 1.70, 3.30 and 3.80. That’s insane. He was the number 1 scoring WR in fantasy last year. He hasn’t even scored 20 total points in the last 8 weeks.

Runner Up: Dez Bryant – Remember when Dez was super good? Wasn’t Frankendez a thing? He’s not even the best receiver on his own team anymore.

TE: All of them (Except Gronk and Travis Kelce).

Tight ends in fantasy are more random and more infuriating than kickers. JeffWho, please once again explain to me why you want to have our flex position also include tight end. Because I’d rather not play one at all. And you want to play TWO!?

The number 7 tight end in fantasy didn’t even score 100 points all year. Evan Engram was the number 4 tight end in all of fantasy. Wanna know some of his league leading stats? Week 1 through Week 5: 4.40, 10.90, 4,50, 6.20, and 0.00. That’s some DEVASTATION right there. His highest point total of the seasons was 15.90 points. LEAGUE WIDE DOMINANCE. I’d rather play another IDP next year than play a fucking tight end.

GoodellBSMeter

This Week’s Level: Look at all this bullshit all over the floor! Yeah, but I cleaned up this little tiny corner over here.

Quick little update I read about Russell Wilson when you click on his little note on Yahoo!:

The Seahawks have been fined $100,000 for failing to follow the concussion protocol with Russell Wilson in Week 10.
Advice: “There was a failure in the application,” the NFL and NFLPA concluded after a joint review. In addition to the fine, both the coaching and medical staffs will be required to attend “remedial training regarding the protocol.” It hasn’t been usual for the Seahawks to push boundaries during the Pete Carroll era. Their handling of the Wilson situation was so flagrant that the league had to act.

So apparently they took my advice and have started to fine teams for not following the concussion protocol. And they send you to school!! Oooooo, that’ll show em! So they totally did this for the Tom Savage concussion too, who is out for the season, right? Right?

Playoff Recap

Oh wasn’t this exciting? We got two enormous blowouts which resulted in a rematch from last year’s Toppa Bowl. Neat.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster 150.75
#6 FuseLitHugeDick 105.90

Well A.A.Ron came back and while he wasn’t his old, dominant self, he put up quality numbers for Timmy (30.80 points). Unfortunately for Timmy, none of his wide receivers or running backs showed this week. Those six players combined for just 21.50 points, including zero points from Marquise Lee.

Buckets’ team, on the other hand, performed on all sides of the ball. He had 7 players score in double digits, including Matt Stafford, scoring 24.75 points, and getting 21.00 points from the Jacksonville defense. He also didn’t have a single player score under 7 points.

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Tiger’s Wood 195.50
#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 109.50

This one was over before it started. Look at this:

Screen Shot 2017-12-21 at 8.47.03 PM

By the time the early games started on Sunday, JD was already up 82 to 13. JD got 63.50 points from Melvin Gordon and Kareem Hunt on Saturday night, which you would think would be enough to seal the deal, but #Nick actually got 52 points from his running backs, Devonta Freeman and LeSean McCoy. But JD also got 50.30 combined points from his wide receivers, whereas #Nick got 9. JD’s 195.20 point is the highest point total for a Conference Championship game in Toppa League history and the 5th highest point total in the playoffs ever.

Toppa Bowl VII

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

Well it’s the matchup everybody’s been waiting for. And by everybody, I mean nobody.

Previous Matchup: Oh. Well, this is a little exciting. In Week 6, Buckets beat JD by just 1.8 points (111.10 to 109.30). Of course, in a game where both teams barely manage to combine for 200 points, there’s not much scoring to highlight. It really was a pretty close matchup. Both teams’ QBs scored similar points (Matt Stafford: 22.00 points, Phillip Rivers: 19.00 points). Both got roughly 30 points from their special teams (Kicker, Defense plus two IDPs). In the end, JD got a bad day from his wide receivers and Buckets had one receiver, Davante Adams with 11.40 points, who didn’t.

Of course, this isn’t the only previous matchup of note. Last year, JD and Buckets met in Toppa Bowl VI. JD came in as the 7-seed beating Micho and Woody along the way. Buckets was a magical 8-seed, defeating my 11-2 team #1-seed, and then beating JBiggs in the East Lot Conference Championship Game. Coming into the Toppa Bowl, the game was a PICK, as a #7-seed playing a #8-seed seemed like an evenly matched game where anything could happen. But the matchup itself was not that exciting. JD blew out Buckets 172.20 to 95.60. It was the biggest blowout in Toppa Bowl history. JD finally buried his demons after previously making it to 3 Toppa Bowls and losing each one.

Key Players: Let’s see how each team matches up at each position.

Quarterback: Russell Wilson vs. Matt Stafford. Russell Wilson is the best player in fantasy, but he had his worst week since Week 1, with only 13 points. Of course, he was playing the Rams defense last week, and has the Cowboys mediocre defense this week. Buckets is really missing the Carson Wentz right now. The Wentz Wagon is still the 3rd best player in all of fantasy and he didn’t even play last week. Instead, Buckets has to rely on Matt Stafford, who has been, um, reliable? He’s been the 9th best QB all year, and the Lions are somehow fighting for a playoff spot, so they may try to win big against a Cincinnati team who has quit on their coach, who has, in turn, quit on his team. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Wide Receivers: Well, considering both teams are currently starting a Jacksonville receiver that I’ve never heard of, it’s not a stretch to say that neither team has a real strong receiving corps. In fact, you could say that they’re more like receiving corpses!! Get it?!?! I chalk JuJu’s 19.40-point performance last week to a fluke play and *cough* bad defense *cough*. I also can’t believe JD isn’t starting Marquise Goodwin whose now thriving since having the most handsome man in football throwing him the ball. The best receiver in this matchup is Michael Thomas, for Buckets, who has double digit fantasy points and a touchdown in each of his last three games. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Outta Nowhere Dominant Running Back: Kareem Hunt vs. Kenyon Drake. Drake has 75.90 points in his last three games. Kareem Hunt has 72.70. Recency bias had me thinking this was going to be close but Hunt was going to take it, but lately Drake has been the better player. And they’re matched up against each other this weekend as Miami takes on the Chiefs at Arrowhead. That game could determine the Toppa Bowl winner. Edge: Push

Other Running Back: Melvin Gordon vs. Jay Ajayi. We covered Ajayi above. But in case you didn’t read it, which, ouch, but he’s sucked this year. Especially since he got traded to the Eagles. Melvin Gordon, has very much not sucked this year. He’s the 6th ranked RB in fantasy this year, averaging 15.5 points per game. He also gets to play the Jets this week. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Tight End: Ugggghhhh. Again with this position?! Evan Engram vs. Greg Olsen. So Engram is the number 4 TE in fantasy, as I mentioned earlier. He’s gotten double digit fantasy points in 2 of the last 3 weeks. Greg Olsen has been hurt most of the year, but he’s finally getting healthy. Olsen had 116 yards and a TD last week in his first week back at full strength. I don’t know, if either of these guys catches a touchdown, it’s a good game. Edge: Push

Flex: I’d rather not compare Latavius Murray and Duke Johnson Jr. They are literally the 140th and 141st ranked players in fantasy. Moving on. Edge: Push

Kicker: Nope. Not doing this one either.

Defense: Buckets has the Jacksonville Jaguars who are the number 1 scoring defense in fantasy. They have 305 points this season, which is actually the 16th best player in fantasy. They’ve only scored under 20 points six times this year. However, JD’s LA Chargers defense is surprisingly good as well. They’re the 5th ranked defense in fantasy and get to catch passes from Bryce Petty all day on Sunday.

As for IDPs, JD has the name recognition with Bobby Wagner and Sean Lee, but both are on the injury report this week. Buckets has gone the route of playing consistent linebackers on shitty teams, playing Reuben Foster from San Francisco and Joe Schobert of Cleveland. Neither player has a really dominant game all season, but both are averaging 8 to 9 points per game in the last 4 weeks. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Well it looks like the edge here is going to JD as the favorite. Could we have our first ever back-to-back champion?

JD and Buckets set your lineups. Ignore your wives and kids on Christmas Eve and pray to the altar of Chris Hansen. It’s Toppa Bowl VII. Finding Foerster vs. Tiger’s Wood. Buckets vs. JD. Can Buckets continue to ride the momentum of his crucial mid-year name change? Will he be spitting bars of a victory rap on draft night? Or will JD defend his title? Who will get their face Photoshopped onto the NCAA Women’s National Championship team?

And let me be the first to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.

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2017 PowerRanks – Conference Championship Preview

At least I made it to the playoffs. This week’s playoff matchups were pretty crazy. In a year when the weekly team average score was 10 points less than the last 5 years, this week’s 4 winning teams scored an average of 173 points. My team did not score 173 points. Plus I broke my phone on Sunday. Not a good weekend.

Tonight’s game features the 4-9 Denver Broncos traveling to Indianapolis to play the 3-10 Colts (+2.5). This is a truly, truly terrible game. You’re better off stabbing yourself in the eyes so that you don’t accidentally watch a minute of this game. Not even the fact that these teams will be in all of their ColorRush glory helps; The Broncos will be wearing all orange with the old school “D” decal on their helmets:

Meanwhile the Colts will be in all blue:

And as great as the sight of these uniforms will be, you will still have to watch some ugly, ugly, awful football. My recommendation is to not watch this game, BUT if you have to, I think I’ve come up with a way to make this more tolerable. I present to you the Week 15 Thursday Night Football Drinking Game:

  • If you have a fantasy player starting in this game: finish your drink
  • Everyone in the room has to guess what channel the game is on, and the first person to guess it correctly doesn’t have to drink while everyone else takes a drink
  • Everyone in the room has to take a drink if anyone can figure out how to watch this game on Amazon
  • Trevor Siemian throws an interception: take a drink
  • Paxton Lynch throws an interception: take 2 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler puts his helmet on: take 3 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws a pass: take 4 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws an interception: finish your drink
  • Brock Osweiler leads a game winning drive: finish your drink, take out another drink and shotgun it
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about Tom Brady: take a drink
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about delicious brisket: take two drinks
  • Cris Collinsworth goes, “I tell you what…”: take a drink
  • Shot of Andrew Luck: take a drink
  • Mention of key injuries around the league: take a drink
  • A commercial starring an injured NFL player: take a drink if Aaron Rodgers, take two drinks if anyone else
  • “Dilly dilly” is said: take a drink
  • That commercial with the doofus wearing the Raiders sweater to the Chiefs family dinner: take drink
  • That Toyota commercial about cutting the tree down that those old people carved their initials into, and then they turn it into a table for those old people and shit gets all weeps: drink the entire time that commercial plays because fuck that commercial
  • Vance Joseph is fired mid-game: finish your drink
  • Either team scores a touchdown: take two drinks
  • Neither team has scored a touchdown at halftime: finish your drink, then finish another one by the time the 3rd quarter begins
  • Micho texts during the game: take a drink
  • JD texts during the game: take a drink
  • Buckets texts during the game: drink all of the drinks
  • Mike Pence is at the game: finish your drink
  • Mike Pence says he’s at the game, but uses the photo from two years ago when he was actually at the game: take three drinks
  • One of those complicated, multiple team member touchdown celebrations: take 4 drinks
  • Someone goes into the concussion protocol and then comes right back into the game: take your drink, slam it into your head multiple times to give yourself a concussion, then finish your drink

This Week’s Level: What’s bullshit? I can’t remember. Wait, where am I? Are you my mom?

Speaking of the concussion protocol, here’s a free tip for the NFL on how to improve the game. I call it the “Now, I’m not a doctor…” guy. What you need is a guy. A regular guy. A guy who is not a doctor but of reasonable intelligence. Whenever there is a big hit, this guy watches the replay on TV. This guy’s job is to come over to the pop-up blue tent and give his analysis of watching the hit on TV. For example, he might say: “Now, I’m not a doctor, but his body went limp when those two guys hit him directly in the head.” The team doctor’s opinion is still valid, but this guy’s opinion has weight too. “Well his head hit the ground and he started convulsing like he’d been shot with a stun gun. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think he should play anymore.”

You know what we should do, start fucking fining the teams for putting guys with concussions back on the field. Coaches, owners, team doctors, all of em. This is getting a little fucking gross.

Dog Shit of the Week

That random, extremely selfish and self-centered woman on the train on Monday. So there was a bomb in Port Authority on Monday. And this is what life in New York City has become, you can start discussions on about terrorism nonchalantly. Anyway, thankfully this guy was a moron, who tried to build a bomb using Pinterest and DIY.com, and blew himself up in the process. I’m hoping he ends up looking like JPP for the rest of his life. But the result of this failed bombing, was that every subway train in NYC was either fucked or extremely fucked.

I knew my morning commute was gonna be a shitshow, so I left early, giving myself plenty of time for whatever bullshit I was going to experience on the train. Turns out, I played it right. There was a train pulling into the station right as I got there, but then that train stayed at the station for about 10 minutes, due to an “investigation.” On a day that a bomb goes off, by all means, please investigate all you want.

Since the trains were all kinds of fucked, my train was more packed than Boom Boom’s suitcase for a weekend away (AYYYOOOHH!). And look, the train sucks when it’s that jammed. On a normal day if my subway car is packed, I spend my whole ride staring daggers at the back of the little old lady’s head in front of me because she won’t stop hitting me with her purse and I know she’s got some Werther’s in there and if she’d just give me one, I’d feel so much better, but she won’t, that fucking old bitch. But on that day, a bomb went off, I figured we’d all be like, “Well these are some pretty extenuating circumstances. We’re all in this together” but no. Everyone was just their regular, annoyed selves.

My favorite example of this was when I was reading what this woman texting her friend over her shoulder. Usually I wouldn’t do this (just kidding, I do this all the time), but usually I try to not to read someone’s entire conversation because it makes me a creeper, but since I was so squished, her phone was literally right in my face and I was physically unable to turn away.

So, her friend was super concerned saying something like, “OMG a bomb went off in Port Authority. This is scary. There [sic] checking around the area for blocks. This is crazy”

And the woman in front of me, replies:

“I know, there were no cabs anywhere”

“The train is a nightmare”

“Lyft was 350% surge pricing”

“I hate everyone”

And, then again for good measure:

“No cabs!”

I’m glad she was able to take the fact that a bomb fucking exploded and make it all about how much it was inconveniencing her.
Also, what are you in such a rush for at 9:30 in the morning that you couldn’t be late for? “Bomb” is literally the best excuse for being late, like, I dunno, ever. Late for work? Bomb. You’re good. Late for school? Bomb. No homework. The most important thing I can think of being late for is an interview, and if you were to use the bomb excuse, not only will they completely understand, I’m pretty sure they’ll just give you the job.

So congratulations selfish lady on the train, you had to take the subway to work one day this week, like the rest of us poor, unfortunate souls and for that, you’re the Dog Shit of the Week.

Playoff Recap

#1 Finding Foerster 177.85
#8 BigBrendoBrand 162.00

Shoulda grabbed the over. Timmy’d be buying me drinks at Specks for what I can imagine would be all night. If I win even 20 bucks that has to be like 3 or 4 pitchers of beer right?

Brendo put up a good fight. Case Keenum scored 28 points, DeAndre Hopkins scored 30.90 points, and Leonard Fournette scored 24.90 points. Unfortunately, his defense didn’t show up as Houston, Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram only combined for 16.50 points.

Buckets’ team was just too strong this week. Carson Wentz scored 39.15 points, which is crazy considering he got hurt that game. Michael Thomas, Davante Adams and Kenyon Drake all had 20 or more points. Buckets ended up putting up the 10th best total score for a Quarterfinal playoff game.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 169.80
#7 CheesyGorditaCrunch 137.95

Well, even though both of the top teams were what I would call a “soft 10-3,” they proved they were deserved to be the top two seeds.

#Maini put a 30-point beatdown on JBiggs, thanks mostly to 49.90 points from Dak Prescott. He also got 29.60 points from LeSean McCoy, who somehow rushed for 156 yards, even though he was wearing snowshoes.

JBiggs got a good performance out of Le’Veon Bell (30.50 points) and a decent effort from Drew Brees (23.75 points), but had a couple terrible performances, including 4 yards from Jermaine Kearse and zero points from Amari Cooper.

Speaking of snow, is there anything better than football in the snow? I’m sure everyone’s being saying it. Like, I bet the people on SportsCenter read about it on Twitter, so they talked about it during the show so they could pretend to be cool. I kept wanting RedZone to go back to that game just because football in the snow is so fucking cool. It will make anyone walking by the TV stop in their tracks and start watching. They should pump snow in for this shitty Broncos-Colts game. I would watch that.

#6 FuseLitHugeDick 180.15
#3 Spoiler Alert 104.95

The Dick is huuuuuuuuuuge right now! This blowout was so big I may have to get a sponsor for it…. [Opens Incognito Window] This week’s Biggest Playoff Blowout is sponsored by Lush by Lovense, the app controlled vibrator. That’s right ladies, give your boyfriend the ability to control your vibrator from his phone. Now he can try too hard and not satisfy you when in bed with you AND when he’s away from home.

Everything went wrong for Vegas this week. He came into this matchup as the top scoring team in the league, but he didn’t have Ezekiel Elliott (suspended for being a misogynist asshole) or Gronk (suspended for being a meathead idiot). Vegas got a great game from Antonio Brown, who had 200 yards receiving, but that was the only player on his team who had a good game. He had nine players in single digits, and his quarterback, Derek Carr, only had 14.55 points.

Timmy, on the other hand, put up the 8th highest quarterfinal score in Toppa League history. He had eight players in double digits. His defense (Dallas, Deion Jones, and Lavonte David) combined to score just under 50 points, and Jamaal Williams tacked on 23.80 points for good measure.

#4 Tiger’s Wood 166.05
#5 PowerFranks Gore 134.35

Here I’d like to pinpoint the exact moment I lost this matchup:

Here’s a different angle:

That’s 4 minutes into the first game of the fantasy playoffs, my best player getting speared in the head. My team never really recovered. My team put in a decent effort; I had nine players in double digits, including 25.50 points from Todd Gurley. Unfortunately, my favorite quarterback, Kirk Cousins played the game of his life, with a stellar 151 yards passing, 1 TD and 1 interception. Just kidding. He sucks. I hope Kirk Cousins gets no Christmas presents.

JD had a great week from Russell Wilson, who continues to be the best player in fantasy, scoring 37.55 points. The 26.55 points from Kareem Hunt didn’t hurt either. That figures since on draft day, I took Spencer Ware, whomst I didn’t know had exploded his knee, and then JD took Hunt with the very next pick.

It’s okay though. Boom Boom is only a couple points back in her ladies dinner pick ‘em league. I’m throwing all my rooting interest behind her. She’s gonna take the crown this year, and I’m gonna get those leftovers. #TeamDoggieBag

Props Over Here:

  • Kirk Cousins >300 yards passing now that my team no longer relies on him: Yes (-400) / No (+350)
  • Minutes I watch of Broncos-Colts: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Tom Brady >300 yards passing: Yes (-300) / No (+250)
  • Patriots team rushing yards: 200 yards Over (-200) / Under (+140)
  • Miller Lites drank by Woody during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-110) / Under (+120)
  • Miller Lites drank by #Nick during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-800) / Under (+1000)
  • I get my Christmas shopping done by the end of this weekend: Yes (+300) / No (-265)
  • Timmy has started his Christmas shopping by the end of this weekend: Yes (+900) / No (-1200)

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

We’ve got a matchup between the last two Toppa League champions. JD is now the highest scoring team left in the playoffs and is looking to make it back to the Toppa Bowl for the 4th year in a row. But #Nick is still riding that #MainiMagic.

Previous Matchup: JD and #Nick didn’t meet until Week 11 of the season, and JD beat #Nick 155.10 to 141.85. JD got 40.50 from Russell Wilson and 32.00 points from the LA Chargers defense. #Nick had amazing days from Keenan Allen and LeSean McCoy, both scoring 30+ points, but he got negative points from Dak Prescott and Austin Hooper (-0.75 and -0.10, respectively), and only 0.70 from Taylor Gabriel as well.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who scored the most points in fantasy last week. Keenan Allen, who had emerged as a monster the last 4 weeks. Over that time, he has 547 yards receiving and 4 TDs. He’s the number 2 wide receiver in fantasy across that span, second only to Antonio Brown. LeSean McCoy, who had 29.20 points last week and is matched up against the Miami defense who has given up 11 double-digit-scoring RBs.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who somehow scored 37 points last week even though he ony threw for 270 yards and had 3 picks. Not bitter. At all. Kareem Hunt, who may have gotten his early season mojo back. JuJu Smith-Schuster, whose 36.30 point week in Week 8 is looking more like an outlier. He only had one other week all year with double-digit fantasy points, and that was just 10 points. But this week, he’s going up against a Pats defense that I never really, ever doubted, but if I were to doubt them, I would say, maybe the defense was never really that good and they just played a bunch of really bad teams and they have a ton of injuries and if I were the type to worry about the Pats defense I would be worried about them right now, but since I’m not that type of person and, again, never, ever doubted the defense, I’m not worried.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick

And in the other conference championship game, we’ve got two never-before Champions. The Toppa Bowl will have one team looking for their first-ever championship. Buckets is looking to get back to the Toppa Bowl and redeem last year’s loss. Timmy is looking to get to the Toppa Bowl for the first time ever.

Previous Matchup: Way back in September, in Week 4, Timmy beat up on Buckets 156.95 to 110.15. Both teams looked completely different back then, however. Timmy rode Aaron Rodgers, who had 4 TD passes (on only 179 yards!) to victory, along with some help from Bilal Powel (36.00 points). Buckets on the other hand was still calling his team Satin & Lace Eddie. It was a pretty lackluster performance from his team. The only player scoring over 20 points was the Jacksonville defense (23.00 points) and he had eight players with single digit fantasy points. The next week he changed his team name and went on to win 9 of his next 10 matchups.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who has scored a total of 58 points from 334 total yards and 2 TDs, in his last two games. With Carson Wentz out for the season, Buckets has to replace the second best player in all of fantasy with… Matt Stafford. It’s actually not as bad as you think. Stafford is the 8th best QB in fantasy and is averaging 25 points per week.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Good God! Thats A.A.Ron’s music! He’s back after missing 7 weeks on the IR. He was averaging 31 points per game until he got hurt. I know he just had like 15 pins removed from his shoulder, but I know enought to not bet against A.A.Ron. This could swing the playoffs. Jamaal Williams, who has scored 28, 25 and 23 points in his last three games.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the East and West Lot Championships! The winners go to the Toppa Bowl!

Thankfully this year’s final four won’t be getting T-shirts because no one will be able to coordinate with Bucket’s burner phone. Buckets, #Maini, JD and Timmy set your lineups. Oh look, we have Saturday football too! The Bears are at Detroit (-5.5) at 4:25 and then the LA Chargers (-1) travel to KC to take on the Chiefs for the AFC West.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 15

I’ve noticed a lot of heartfelt commercials lately. I don’t know what it is. Why do these commercials have to be so sad? Back in my day, a commercial during a football game consisted of a giant Ice Train that delivers COLD BEER and LADIES IN BIKINIS. Those were the good old days. Are they trying to make us feel bad for watching football? Are they trying to appeal to The Women? Here’s a couple examples of the ridiculous stuff I’ve been seeing during football games.

Heartfelt Message: Even referees are people too. Be nice to them.

Listen here you fucking assholes. After working a full shift delivering mail, George Mazzioni spent his Friday night driving 1 hour and 20 minutes to Pawkahassett and refereed a High School football game for $50 bucks. The guy was consistent all night and made the right call here. The receiver did not maintain possession while getting both feet in bounds. By the time he had control of the ball, his foot was out of bounds. Clearly not a catch. George went by the book. Always does. Now all he wants to do is get home to his wife and 3 kids, who have been been waiting up to see their daddy so he can tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. He wants to then have a small, kind conversation with his wife while she finishes her wine. Then after she goes to bed, he’ll open a cold Miller Light, sit in his favorite chair, put up his feet and watch a little bit of TV before he has to wake up and get back to the grind. But George can’t do that now, because his car broke down and to top it all off, it’s fucking raining. So move the fuck over Blake and Jonas. This man’s worked for everything in his life, unlike you entitled little pricks. Oh boo hoo, a call didn’t go your way for once. Well, the call doesn’t always go your way in life. Maybe you shoulda worked a little harder on your toe tapping in practice and it woulda paid off in the Big Game.

Heartfelt message: Support the troops. Gotta support the troops.

This is the most amazing logistical feat of our time. Are you kidding me? They took Christmas lights and strung together “Welcome Home Julia” that was big enough to be seen from 20,000 feet. It took me 45 minutes to string up my tree with 3 strands of lights.

And none of those strands went out?! You’re telling me that not one bulb went out and Julia’s little brother didn’t have to go through the entire length of “Home” bulb-by-bulb, taking one out and replacing it and seeing if the whole thing lit back up?

Also what if she didn’t look? How did her parents know she had an aisle seat? What if she was in the bathroom? What if she was drinking away all the fucked up shit she’d seen in the war and passed out? I’m just saying there’s a lot of moving pieces at play here.

Heartfelt message: Apple is the most amazing, inspiring, beautiful, amazing company ever.

Okay. Slow your fucking roll, Apple. Get the fuck over yourselves. Your little expressive messages are, at best, neat. I’m not wiping fucking tears away from my eyes because someone texted me “Sup.” accompanied by lasers.

And you do not need to waste a full minute of my time with some serious ass music to say “Hey, those texts you send? Now you can do even more useless shit with ’em.” Wanna know what’s “Practically Magic”? If you popped one of those balloons and there was a phone inside. And that phone had a picture of the Queen of Diamonds, which was a card that I pulled 10 minutes before you blew up that balloon and released it into the city air. Then that shit would be worth a minute of my time.

Heartfelt Message: Season’s Greetings from your friendly neighborhood bank.

Fuck that! Will the big banks never stop stealing from us?!? Where does their greed end?!! They are literally stealing the noses off of our faces! And then eating them!! Oh, then they pull into town and give out a few gifts, but that’s just a charity obligation that they can use as a tax right off. Meanwhile Frosty’s left out in the cold missing half his fucking face.

On to the weekend recap…

East Lot Championship Game

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 105.80

Buckets had his best game of the season and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He got great play from almost his entire team. Only Jimmy Graham (3.10), Tevin Coleman (5.60) and Barry Church (5.50) failed to score in double digits for his team. Of his other players, four (Cam Newton, Golden Tate, Jarvis Landry and the Buffalo defense) scored more than 20 points.

On the other side, JBiggs’s team was a disappointment. Only three players scored more than 10 points (Aaron Rodgers, Tahir Whitehead, and the Houston D), and A.A.Ron managed just 15.50 points, which was 10 points less than his projected score. In fact, nine of his twelve players underperformed their projected scores, and the three that managed to outscore their projections, did so by less than a point each.

West Lot Championship Game

#7 Wide Right 143.05

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 84.60

JD got 31.65 points from Russell Wilson, 20.00 points from Jonathan Stewart, 32.00 points from the Miami defense, and 15.00 points from his kicker, Dan Bailey, and that was pretty much all he needed to cruise to victory and punch his ticket to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row.

He didn’t need much more than that to beat Woody, who had a terrible weekend. In fact, those 4 players alone were enough to beat Woody by 14 points. Woody only had 2 players (Frank Gore and Steven Gostkowski) score more than their projections and not a single player on his team scored more than 19 points. Touchdown Tommy did not live up to his namesake, as TFB only scored 7.30 points and didn’t throw for a TD. Also, Woody’s three WRs combined for under 7 points, Tyler Eifert couldn’t manage 1 point, and Woody’s team defense (Green Bay, Paul Posluszny, and Khalil Mack) combined for only 20 points.

Props Over Here

  • Bryce Petty INTs: 2.5 Over (-200) / Under (+120)
  • Odell Beckham Jr has another 8-yard slant that goes for a long TD: Yes (-120) / No (+150)
  • Number of people who throw up at Christmas Eve Family Dinner after spending all day at Cappy’s watching the Pats: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-200)
  • That person who throws up is Brendo: +600
  • First person to show up at Cappy’s:
    • Micho (-300)
    • Vegas (-120)
    • Brendo (even)
    • Woody (+200)
    • PWood (+400)
    • Timmy (+1500)
  • Does Cappy’s have those poker chips they give you when someone buys a round? Chips (-1000) / Plastic Cups (+650)
  • A team scores under 100 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+145) / No (-120)
  • A team scores over 200 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My man Scott Hanson is wearing a Santa Hat while hosting Red Zone: Yes (+400) / No (-350)
  • Did I give my family better presents than they gave me? Yes (-200) / No (+135)
  • Boom Boom will be able to wait until Christmas Day to open another present currently under our tree: Yes (+350) / No (-200)

Toppa Bowl

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This is what it all comes down to. Who will show up to Toppa Draft VII wearing a Championship Belt?

#7 Wide Right (6-7) vs #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)

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This line is pretty exciting. A PICK in the Toppa Bowl! Two flawed but evenly matched up teams. It’s great! Right now the projected score has JD eking out a win by less than two points. The belt is up for grabs. It’s anyone championship to take home. It all comes down to who wants it more… No it doesn’t. It’s completely dumb luck at this point, but it’s still fun!

It tells you how fucking whacky fantasy football is that the combined winning percentage of the two teams in the Toppa Bowl is .423. This would be like if the Houston Texans played the Redskins in the Super Bowl this year.

But not to take anything away from these two teams (I want to take everything away from these two teams, I’m very bitter), we’re going to have a new Toppa Champion this year. JD makes it back to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row and the fourth time in six years. Of course, in all three trips to the Toppa Bowl, JD has come up short. In the first inaugural Toppa Bowl in 2011, he lost to Woody by 14 points. In Toppa Bowl IV, he got smashed by a different Wood, losing 169.70-116.55 to PWood. And last year, JD got the closest to tasting the Championship belt, losing by less than 7 points to #Nick.

Buckets has had even less playoff success, with only one win in three trips, until this year.

Previous Meeting: It was a pretty close matchup when these two teams met in Week 8, where Buckets ended up winning 137.20 – 129.25. In fact, the two teams were only separated by 2 points going into Monday night. Both had pretty bad days from their quarterbacks, as Cam Newton put up only 15.90 points and Russell Wilson scored an even worse 11.75. Both teams had a great day from one of their WRs: Dez Bryant scored 25.30 for JD and Michael Crabtree put up 18.80 for Buckets, but both team’s other two receivers averaged under 5 points. Both teams had solid days from their RBs and great play from their team defenses. The difference in the end, was Buckets had Gronk who scored 26.90 points. JD couldn’t keep up, with an 8.80 point day from Delanie Walker.

Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson. It always comes down to quarterback play and no one has been more inconsistent lately than Hustle & Bustle Wilson. He scored 31.65 points last week, but then 9.90 points the week before. The week before that, he scored 21.75, but 11.00 the week before. And then the week before that, he scored 31.00 points. JD has to hope Wilson doesn’t keep the trend going and have a down week this week. He’s matched up against Arizona, who I can’t figure out anymore; Jonathan Stewart, who put up 20.00 points last week and is matched up against a porous Atlanta defense.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who is also matched up against that terrible Atlanta defense. Cam threw for 300 yards last week for the first time since Week 2; Jarvis Landry, who has gone for 100+ yards in back-to-back games, but is matched up against a tough Buffalo defense who is…heh fighting… haha.. for the… ha… playoffsHAHAHAHA.

One historical note, the East Lot Champion has gone on to win last two Toppa Bowls. Just one more piece of history working against JD. But maybe this is the year he breaks the streak!

Okay JD and Buckets, set your lineups. It all comes down to this. The Giants are at Philadelphia (+2.5) tonight. Most of the games are on Christmas Eve, so be sure to ignore your families and pay attention to the games. If you have to do some last minute shopping on Saturday, forget it, they didn’t need presents anyway, you’re in the Toppa Bowl. Families come and go, but glory is forever.

Everyone have a safe and awesome Christmas.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

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8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

betches

Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

bro

And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

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I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

goodellbsmeter

BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

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Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

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JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

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That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

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And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.