It’s probably for the best that I didn’t write a blog this year because this way you’d all be spared my #RonaTaeks. And they probably would’ve gotten less and less funny each week, as the whole thing gets more and more frustrating and obvious the NFL just really doesn’t care.
My favorite highlights were when Andy Dalton couldn’t smell or taste anything, but was “still fine to play”. Guess the Cowboys we’re planning to run the Super Spreader offense, heeeyooo! That was followed by the whole Steelers-Ravens mess the next week, where like 15 Ravens players had COVID, and the Steelers were all pissed they had to move their game saying shit like, “why are we being punished, when they’re the ones who weren’t being careful” and then their star running back caught it! By the way, “why are we being punished, when they’re they ones who aren’t being careful” is going to be the name of the Ken Burns documentary about COVID-19. Meanwhile that same week, Denver just ran the ball 60 times because all three of their quarterbacks had coronavirus.
I probably would’ve ranted about the fact that when you look at the NFL’s testing report by day of the week, each day there’s been 30+ positive reports…
Except Sundays. Zero positive test on Sundays. Each week. Hmmm. Thinking guy emoji. Thinking guy emoji. Thinking guy emoji. Thinking guy emoji. Guy tests positive mid-week? Ready to go by Sunday. Who needs a vaccine with these modern day medical miracles?
Okay, sorry. The actual taek I wanted to get to is this: why hasn’t the NFL been forcing everyone to wear the Officially Licensed, Team BrandedTM masks? Like, you can’t wear anything on the sidelines that’s not officially SANCTIONED and BRANDED by the NFL. Shoes, hats, gloves, raincoats, hand warmers, socks, jock straps, everything! Remember that 49ers coach who wanted to wear a suit on the sideline? And the NFL was like “NAH! Well, okay… you can do it twice a year, and it’s gotta be a Reebok suit.”?
In June, I was getting daily ads from the Patriots being like, “Protect yourself the Patriot Way with Official Patriots Face Masks.” Why aren’t the players and coaches and doctors and water boys wearing these team branded masks? How has the NFL not thought of this from a marketing perspective, at least? How did they miss this chance to exploit the players for a few more bucks? These things go for $24.99 a pop! And then they could do their “Salute to Service” camo masks and “All Cancers are Equal” rainbow masks. Instead, Belichick is wearing a cut up tube sock with a folded up piece of paper over it, all held on with duct tape.
Divisional Round Recap
They say, “Defense Wins Championships.” This weekend, defenses went off. Team defenses combined to score 160 points across the 4 Divisional Round matchups, with 5 teams scoring 20+ points, 2 of which scored 30+.
#1 Le Champion 152.25
#8 Micho 129.15
Last week, I included a screenshot of Deshaun Watson, AJ Brown, Tyreek Hill and Derrick Henry (and Will Fuller, but he’s suspended) putting up a combined 169.50 points, and well…
(I guess we can ignore J. Jeudy, who’s first name, I assume, is Judge)
Micho put up a good fight, getting 36.5 points from Jonathan Taylor and 25.5 points from Davante Adams, but it ultimately wasn’t enough to overcome 111 points from the 4 players above.
Brendo has the ultimate RedZone channel team right now. “Let’s cut to Tennessee where Derrick Henry just ran the fuck over 2 people then broke free for a 35 yard touchdown. Oh, and let’s stay there for AJ Brown catching five 13-yard catches in a row, with three guys hanging all over him. And okay, I’m being told we should switch over to Kansas City. Not sure why, it’s 3rd and 14 from their own 22 yard line. OHHH and Tyreek Hill just caught a 122 yard bomb!!”
#2 Trip McNeely 176.10
#7 Clear Search History 164.75
The matchup of the weekend did not disappoint. Clear Search History put up an “A” performance, only to be outdone by Trip McNeely’s “A+”. The teams combined for 340.85 points, which is the 4th highest scoring match up in Toppa Playoff history.
Woody was able to jump out to a 45-point early lead, thanks to Patrick Mahomes. Mahomes didn’t look like himself in the beginning, throwing 2 picks. But then Scott Hanson started cutting to him on his own side of the field and you just KNEW he was about to uncork the sex cannon. The Chiefs scored 30 points in like, 20 minutes of real time. Mahomes ended up with 35 points.
The two teams battled it out for the rest of Sunday, with Trip McNeely closing the gap to 15 points.
Going into Monday night, Trip McNeely needed 15.25 points from Kareem Hunt and Jarvis Landry. They were projected to score 18, but who knows? The Browns are amazing one week, then stink the next. Well, one 42-47 MNF thriller later, and Kareem Hunt put up 110 total yards with 2 TDs, putting Trip McNeely over the top for the win.
#3 Stage Coach Bromance 143.50
#6 #CashLucianDadPoopin 118.00
In the biggest rout of the playoffs, Stage Coach Bromance put out a 25.50-point diss track about #CashLucianDadPoopin that made fun of his clothes, car, mom and even went after his kids! #CashLucianDadPoopin actually jumped out to a 1.8 point lead on Thursday. He should’ve taken a victory lap at that point, because by the time the early window on Sunday came around, Stage Coach Bromance took the lead and never looked back.
Stage Coach Bromance didn’t get much from his receiving corps, but got solid play from every other position. Special Teams lead the way with 39 points, and Miles Sanders was huge in the FLEX spot with 33.60 points. On the other hand, #CashLucianDadPoopin got good days from a few players, Russell Wilson (32pts), Kenyon Drake (15pts), and the San Fran Defense (20pts) but nobody else showed up to play.
Buckets moves onto the conference Championship Game for the 4th time in 5 years. He’s hoping, once again, that this is the year, but he’s going to have to go through a champion every step of the way.
#4 The Lasso Special 140.30
#5 Bean Dip Farts 119.75
Thursday night was not a good night for The Lasso Special. First, the Pats lost. Second, the Pats got thoroughly and completely BEAT THE FUCK DOWN. Third, I stayed up to watch said beat down and missed the opportunity to sleep, which there are very few of these days. But to top it all off, since the Pats put up such a dreadful stinker, it meant Bean Dip Farts’ defense did this:
(That stat line doesn’t include the Pick-6 they had either)
A 33-point deficit is a hard one to overcome, especially when those 33 points come from a team’s defense. This was a MASSIVE hole. Going into Sunday, The Lasso Special was feeling pretty unsure of their chances for a victory.
Then this happened:
HAIL TO THE WASHINGTON PROFESSIONAL FOOTBALL TEAM!! LET’S GO THE TEAM! LET’S GO THE TEAM!!
The 32 points put up by the Team defense was enough to negate Bean Dip Farts huge lead. The Lasso Special was able to then outplay Bean Dip Farts at WR, TE and Kicker (with a savvy gameday pick up of Rodrigo Blakenship, who I think has been on every team in Toppa League, and possibly Timmy’s team twice), and pick up the win.
To the East and West Lot Conference Championship games! Remember to display your ticket on your mirror when you park your car. And then throw it away in this trash can right here on your way out.
East Lot Conference Championship Game
#1 Le Champion (11-3) vs #4 The Lasso Special (8-6)
Line: Le Champion (-11.5)
Le Champion is coming into the East Lot Conference Championship Game playing like, well, The Champion. If we throw out week 13, where he rested his starters, Le Champion hasn’t had a close matchup since early November. The Lasso Special, on the other hand, is playing like, well, Ted Lasso.
Previous Matchup: Le Champion and The Lasso Special faced off 2 times this SZN, and Le Champion was victorious in both matchups. In Week 1, Le Champion squeaked out a win by less than 6 points. In Week 12, it was… well… the margin of victory was much more than that. Much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much, more than that. This week, Brendo’s hoping to go 3 for 3. I’m just hoping to keep it close.
Players to Watch: It doesn’t need to be said, but it should be said Deshaun Watson, AJ Brown, Tyreek Hill and Derrick Henry have the potential to score 50 points. Each. It’s frightening. Like, they put up 20 on a bad day. The only thing I can hang my hat on at this point, is WIll Fuller being suspended.
The Lasso Special is dealing with a ton of injuries. Our hope of getting Run CMC back in time for this matchup is not looking good. Myles Gaskin still has the Rona. And Kenny Galloday is still battling a hip injury. Seriously, my mom’s hip replacement rehab took less time that this. But The Lasso Special has gotten this far despite these injuries…
West Lot Conference Championship Game
#2 Trip McNeely (11-3) vs #3 Stage Coach Bromance (9-5)
What a matchup! It doesn’t get much closer like this. Projections have this basically a toss up, giving Trip McNeely the slight edge by only 2 points. Timmy’s Sportsbook has this as a PICK. This one could go either way. What a great matchup for the West Lot Conference Championship. It’s gonna be a dog fight for both of these teams to get back to the Toppa Bowl.
Previous Matchup: In Week 9, Trip McNeely smoked Stage Coach Bromance 154.55-96.65. Trip McNeely jumped out to a 56 point lead on Thursday night, thanks to 44 points from A.A.Ron, and it never got close. Honestly, Trip McNeely didn’t get a lot from anyone else. But, they didn’t really need it, since they did get 45 points from Dalvin Cook and that was basically enough to put Stage Coach Bromance away for the weekend. Stage Coach Bromance didn’t have a player who scored over 15 points that week. And they got an especially bad game from Tom Brady, getting only 5 points.
Players to Watch: This matchup is looking even. At QB, Aaron Rodgers (Trip McNeely) and Tom Brady (Stage Coach Bromance) are projected for around 30 points. Both teams have a dominant WR: Calvin Ridley for Trip McNeely and Adam Thielin for Stage Coach Bromance. And both teams have solid RBs, including their Flex, both projected for around 38 points. If you go down the line, QB, Kicker, Defense, W/R, IDP, all positions are projected pretty much equal. Someone is going to be the difference maker in this match, we just don’t know who it’s going to be.
Here we go! East and West Lot Conference Championship Games. There’s a lot of pedigree here. The defending champion. A champion who put up the highest score in Toppa Bowl history. The runner up in 3 of the last 4 Toppa Bowls. A champion who put up the highest score in Toppa Playoff (and Toppa League) history.
We got a game tonight (Vegas vs LA). We got 2 games Saturday (Bills-Bronocos at 4:30pm & Panthers-Packers 8:15pm). We got a full slate Sunday. And we cap off with a Steelers-Bungles on Monday night. Picks and lineups. Let’s get it!