ME: Work has been super busy lately. And the baby has completely forgotten how to sleep through the night. Focus on what you need to do and relax with the little free time you have.

ALSO ME: WRITE A MOTHERFUCKING PLAYOFF PREVIEW POST!!!!!!!!!!

This is a terrible idea. My head is already swirling. The only way I pull this off is if I keep it short. Will I do that? Have I ever?!?!?! I’m literally in a meeting right now. Not paying attention at all. I’m going to lose my job because I wrote a playoff preview blog post instead of focusing on my job. Next stop: OnlyFans. At least when I lose my job, I’ll have plenty of time to write blog posts. I should just kill two birds with one stone. Watch me write a blog with my dong out. onlyfans.com/rhysnice Only $5.99 a month!!

#LosersPowerRanking

4. RealMuthaphukkinGmen

I guess this is what you get for naming your team about a truly terrible team. Although they’re currently tied for first in the awful NFC East. Which has been amazing to watch. After what felt like 100 years of NFC East “Grudge Matches” on Sunday and Monday nights, ESPN and NBC are scrambling to flex these teams OUT of their games. Can we send these teams to London, or are there still travel restrictions? Maybe play their games at 9:30am anyway? I really want a 5 and 11 team to make the playoffs this year. Burn it all down. 

JeffWho was the highest scoring team of the 4 who didn’t make the playoffs, and actually outscored 4 of the teams who did make the playoffs. But really he had a big 200 point game in week 2, then only put up more than 140 points twice all SZN. He had a terrible second half of the SZN. He lost to Micho in week 7 and it’s like he never recovered. He went on to lose 6 of his last 7.

The one win did come during #RivalryWeek, tho. So bragging rights there. 

3. Pussywipped

JD started the SZN off with a win, then lost 4 straight and never really bounced back. He won in week 6, but then lost another 3 straight. He did win his #RivalryWeek matchup with baby bro. So I assume he got the turkey leg at their socially distanced Thanksgiving. 

JD did win his last 2 games, so at least he can bring that into the off-SZN and build for next year. Or something. 

2. Chourico and peppers

Of course the year I hang up my blogging fingers, is the year Vegas puts in an historically bad year! I missed out on a 3-week loss-bender to start the SZN, a 43-point loss to yours truly, a 73-point showing in #RivalryWeek, his best win coming against Timmy’s terrible team, the lowest scoring team in the league, and of course, last but not least, the lowest score in Toppa League History. That record has been around so long that I don’t even know whose team it belonged to. Kid named his team after Orel Hershiser. Thank god he’s outta the league. 

Vegas, congrats on fantastically sucking this year. You pulled out of the basement to a respectable 5-8, so in like 2 years, we’ll forget about how bad you were. But we’ll always have 60.60. #Vegas60for60

1. Do_It_Like_Hewitt

Congrats on out-shittying Vegas. Did Timmy get COVID? Was Timmy at Toppa Draft like, “Man, these Bud Lights are going down so easy, I literally can’t even taste them.” then proceed to take a kicker in the second round. 

After losing 3 in a row to kick the SZN off, Timmy looked like he bounced back beating Woody 172.50-141.90. He then proceeded to put up 110, 119, 94, 114, 114, 132 (in a loss), 125, 111, and 105. Timmy cemented his place at the bottom of the league with 4 straight losses to close out the SZN. Really, just a bang up job here Timmy. But at least you led the league in transactions. It’s moves like this that really makes you wonder why you ended up in last:

PLAYOFFS!?!?!?! 

#1 Le Champion (10-3) vs #8 Micho (6-7)

Line: Le Champion (-8.5)

O/U: 280

Brendo won the Toppa League Championship Belt last SZN, and is determined to defend his title. He started the SZN off a little slow, obviously from a Toppa Bowl hangover, losing 2 of 3. He then flipped the #champ switch in week 4 and won 9 straight. Brendo had himself a SZN. He gave out the Blowout of the Week sponsored by RhysNice’s OnlyFans page to 4 different teams (Weeks 4, 5, 11, & 12). For one of them, Week 12, he put up the third highest regular season score in Toppa League history, with 248.40 points. I happened to be on the receiving end of that unconsented sexual encounter. I outscored 7 other teams in the league that week, and still lost by 113 points. 

On the other side of this matchup, Micho has limped into the postSZN, losing his last 4 straight. He’s favored in the projected scores, but Timmy’s Sportsbook still has Brendo as the favorite.

Previous Matchup: This will be the 3rd year in a row that Brendo will take on Micho in the Toppa League Playoffs. Two years ago, Micho got the better of Brendo in the quarterfinals, winning by 9 points. Last year, Brendo steamrolled everyone in the playoffs, and Micho was no exception. Brendo molly wopped Micho in the East Lot Conference Championship, 166-128. This year, in Week 4, Brendo beat Micho, 133.90-125.90, which kicked off a 9 week winning streak for Le Champion. 

Players to Watch: Let’s just say Le Champion has the ability to do this:

Justin Herbert (Micho) has put up some monster numbers: 42pts in Week 5, 56pts in Week 7, 43 in Week 11, but only put up 6 last week. He should have a good chance to bounce back against Atlanta this week. Of course, Deshaun Watson (Le Champion) has the same ability to put up gigantic scores: 43pts in Week 5, 51pts in Week 6, 44pts in Week 11, 47 in Week 12. There is a very good chance these two QBs put up 40 points next week but then completely offset each other. Micho will likely get a huge game out of DeVante Adams, who is the second-highest scoring WR in the league, but he’s going to need a big game out of some of his other randos: Jonathan Taylor, Ronald Jones II, Gio Bernard, Brandin Cooks, or else he could get steamrolled again.

 #2 Trip McNeely (10-3) vs #7 Clear Search History (6-7)

Line: Trip McNeely (-4)

O/U: 283

Brothers don’t shake hands! Brothers play each other in the Divisional Round of Toppa League Playoffs! PWood is riding a 7 week winning streak into the playoffs. He’s got the second-highest scoring team in the league and seems to put up 150 without even trying:

The other side of the match up is the wiser, handsomer, funnier, older Wood: Woody. Woody’s SZN has been more of a rollercoaster, never winning or losing more than two weeks in a row. Woody, once again, led the league in trades, swapping players 3 times. Micho and JBiggs were the only other teams to have a trade that didn’t involve Woody. #MakeMoreTradesHappen

Previous Matchup: In not quite the #RivalryWeek match up the network executives were hoping for. Trip McNeely routed Clear Search History in Week 10, 156.75-113.05. Woody got a big week from Ben Roethlisberger (46.65pts) and Antonio Gibson (18.50) and that’s about it. PWood got a big week from almost everyone on his team. Only Jarvis Landry, Jared Cook and his IDP didn’t score double digits that week. 

Players to Watch: Clear Search History’s roster looks a little different than it did in the Week 10 beat down. Must be all those trades he does. Plus after losing last week, but still making the playoffs, Woody gave his team a well deserved rest (he put his whole team on the bench yesterday). Instead of Big Ben, Antonio Gibson, Nelson Agholor, Mike Davis and Latvius Murray, Woody is going with Pat Mahomes, Julio Jones, Cris Carson, JD McKissic and TY Hilton. Nice upgrade there. Of course, PWood gets Calvin Ridley this go round. And he still has the highest scoring RB in the league, with Dalvin Cook. Don’t forget about A.A.Ron either. 

#3 Stage Coach Bromance (8-5) vs #6 #CashLucianDadPoopin (6-7)

Line: Stage Coach Bromance (-4.5)

O/U: 270

Stage Coach Bromance jumped out to an early lead this SZN, winning 4 of his first 5. Even though he went through a bit of a rough patch in the middle of the SZN, losing 3 of 4, he was able to stay in the top half of the league. He finished strong, winning 3 of 4, and grab the 3rd seed.

#CashLucianDadPoopin also started off the SZN strong, winning his first 3 games. However, things took a turn in Week 4, and he proceeded to lose 6 of the next 7 weeks, including 4 in a row. He has been able to right the ship a bit at the end of the SZN, including a 100-point win over Vegas. #Nick’s hoping it’s enough momentum to carry him deep into the playoffs.

Previous Matchup: In another #RivalryWeek blowout, Stage Coach Bromance crushed #CashLucianDadPoopin 178.25-97.70. #Nick’s 2 best players that week were his Kicker and his Defense, which is never a good sign. The other 9 players on his team combined for 58 points. Meanwhile, Buckets got 47 points from Tom Brady, which I’m sure made him feel a little conflicted. He also got big days from Cole Beasley (23pts) and Alvin Kamara (28pts), in route to an 80-point cake walk. 

Players to Watch: Stage Coach Bromance is going with the pretty much the same lineup from that #RivalryWeek victory. And why wouldn’t they? Buckets got big days from Tom Brady, Cole Beasley, Adam Thielen, Alvin Kamara and James Robinson. Why not just roll it back and try again for 170+?

#CashLucianDadPoopin needs a big day from Russel Wilson. He put up a measly 13 points in that #RivalryWeek loss. #Nick will need something more like Wilson’s October where he put up 40+ points three weeks in a row. #Nick will also hope that every Tom Brady touchdown will go to Mike Evans and cancel out any scoring plays. 

#4 The Lasso Special (7-6) vs #5 Bean Dip Farts (7-6)

Line: The Lasso Special (-8)

O/U: 267

7-6 versus 7-6. A pretty movable object against an easily stoppable force. The matchup of the weekend? Meeeehhh. Records don’t tell the whole story here. I ended up with the third-highest score in the league, but had the third-highest amount of points score against me, meaning I was one of the unluckiest teams in the league. This way painfully exhibited when I lost by 5, 6, and 8 points in the first 6 weeks. 

I’ve somehow made it to the playoffs carrying Christian McCaffery, Austin Ekeler and Myles Gaskin on my bench. All 3 were on IR for extensive periods of time and we have like 8 IR slots, but they just sat there mocking me, because they’re only reserved for guys who were dating Ms. Rona. I do think I got to put Emmanuel Sanders there for a week. That was nice.

The flip side of this is JBiggs is the lowest scoring team in the playoffs (4th lowest in the league) but had the lowest amount of points scored against him. By my Woody-math, this means he’s the luckiest team in the league. Of course, he could keep that luck going into the playoffs, and I end up putting up like 108 points this week.

Previous Matchup: Just 3 weeks ago, The Lasso Special handily beat Bean Dip Farts 135.65-71.60. I got 30 points from Derek Carr, as well as a combined 33 points from my receiving corps (DK Metcalf, Terry McLaurin, CeeDee Lamb) and 14 points from TE, Darren Waller. JBiggs got a terrible game from Matt Ryan (8.60 points) and his receiving corps combined for less than 9 points. JBiggs TE (Hayden Hurst) put up a goose egg that week.

Players to Watch: Jared Allen is The Lasso Special’s captain and best player. He’s 5th in the league in total scoring and put up 48 points last week. Here’s hoping he can do it again this week. The QB for Bean Dip Farts, Matt Ryan, has not been playing well lately, putting up 9, 19 and 18 points in his last three games.

INJURIES!!! Does McCaffrey suit up for The Lasso Special? Does he match up against Josh Jacobs for Bean Dip Farts? Does Kenny Golladay (The Lasso Special) ever play again? What about Todd Gurley (Bean Dip Farts)?

The Toppa Belt is officially on the line. It starts TOOOO-night. The Pats take on the Rams. I’m hoping for some All Blue vs All Bone White unofficial #ColorRush.

Brendo vs Micho! PWood vs Woody! Buckets vs #Nick! RhysNice vs JBiggs! Set those lineups gentlemen. 6 Champs looking for more glory. 2 guys looking to make it finally to the mountain top.

And keep making those picks! Me, JD, & Timmy makes 3 still all alive in Survivor. Timmy in first in WolfPicks. Everything comes down to this.

Let…. Us…. GOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!