James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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Spotify Summer Rewind

Welcome to the Backyard Blog. These are blogs that I write during the summer, in my backyard, on the weekend, in my spare time. They might be every week. They might not. They might be good, or they might not. It’s almost like OTA’s for blogging.

Spotify has just reminded me it’s summertime with its new “Your Summer Rewind” playlist. Apparently, it’s a collection of songs that I’ve played repeatedly during the summer in the past. Nobody is better at embarrassing you than Spotify. “We’ve noticed you listen to a lot Lady Antebellum, perhaps try this…” But seeing how good this playlist is feels like the perfect topic for the Backyard Blog of the year.

Benz Friendz (Whatchatola) – Future, Andre 3000

I’m pretty sure this album came out in the summer, and this was far and away the best track on it. In case you weren’t yet aware, Andre 3000 is really good at rapping. I definitely said “until then, I’ll ride my fuckin’ bike… or walk” like 34 times a day that summer.

Changes – Faul & Wad Ad, Pnau

I find this song to be super good background music. I mean if someone were to stop and listen to it, they’d probably turn to me and be like, “Really? You like this?” But in the background during some day drinking? Solid. Also, it’s really good to run to.
And who doesn’t like little kids singing the hook? Right? Like The Wall? This is basically the same thing.

Ante Up (Robbin Hoodz Theory) – M.O.P.

Can’t imagine what I was getting up to where this was one of the songs of my summer. Was I just running around flipping over lifeguard chairs and punching aquarium attendants in the mouth for three months? Possibly.
Also, for some reason, this is the clean version from the You Got Served soundtrack. There is an emerging pattern of my incredible whiteness from this playlist.

Beat The Devil’s Tattoo – Black Rebel Motorcycle Club

Ever get into a band, then realize like 9 years later, they’re still putting out albums? This was my moment with B.M.R.C. I feel like this was a song in a movie, and I was like, “Oh shit! That’s them dudes I €liked in college.”
This song is good. I have nothing else.

Scenario – Remix – A Tribe Called Quest

What? This song is perfect.

Young Blood – The Naked And Famous

This song is one of my “Well, I live in Brooklyn now and hang out with a bunch of hipsters, so what can I add to this playlist that’s not 90s Hip Hop and will make me seem cool?” songs.

Alright Hear This – Beastie Boys

Goddamit! This song is so good! This is an underrated Beastie Boys song. You won’t find this on their greatest hits, but it’s fucking great.

I don’t need no magic potion,
Let me talk about backfield in motion.
My girl’s got cheeks for weeks, (and I’m happy)
You know I’m asleep like my old grandpappy

Ramble On – Led Zeppelin

This is a very good great summer song. Play it in your car with the windows down and the radio up. You will be happy.

My Silver Lining – First Aid Kit

Spotify recommended this record to me one time, and I listened to it a bunch of times because it’s super catchy. It’s got this old school country/bluegrass vibe to it that I like. It’s good. Whatever. Shut up.
The cool thing is that I completely forgot what this band was and couldn’t find them (apparently the search results for “old school country/bluegrass vibe” and “women” didn’t show the results I was looking for), but now I found them again.

Doses & Mimosas – Cherub

Who doesn’t like the idea of Doses & Mimosas? Sounds like a wonderful time. Best boozy brunch ever. I’ll pass on the champagne and cocaine though, thanks.

This song got backlash for being douchey, and it is, but it’s also catchy as fuck. Sometimes you just gotta lean into the douchebag anthems.

Breakn’ A Sweat – Skrillex, The Doors, Robby Krieger, Ray Manzarek

And we’ve reached the embarrassing part of the playlist. This song sucks. I’ll admit it. Skrillex is really good to work out to though. Apparently there was a summer where I was working out enough for songs like this to make it on my Summer Jamz playlist. I can’t even remember when that was. Does Skrillex make songs that are good to eat doughnuts too? That’s my workout playlist at this point.

When the Sh– Goes Down – Cypress Hill

Ni**as in Paris – Jay Z, Kanye West

This will never not be a good song. It will also never not make me want to wyle out. The only problem with this song is I can’t be in the club, go up to the DJ, and be like, “Yo, lemme hear that N-words in Paris!” I immediately have to leave for being the lamest dude there. Which is a bummer because I really wanted to hear that song.

Don’t Sweat The Technique – Eric B & Rakim

Member these guys?! You know who else is a very good rapper? Rakim. The bassline in this song is so good. You can’t help but bob your head.

Do It Again – Röyksopp & Robyn

Thanks for this one Spotify! Look, we all have that moment in the night, when we’re getting ready to go out, maybe we’ve had a couple glasses of wine, and we’re doing our hair and we just wanna kick off our shoes and dance around the apartment in our barefeet. Right? Everyone’s had that experience right?

Honestly though, Robyn is mad good. If you don’t like her, you have no joy in your life.

Callin’ Out – Lyrics Born, Joyo Velarde

This is another one that just makes me bob my head, clap along, and maybe do a little two step, which I’ve heard is a simple dance that people with rhythm can do. BABAY!

Shutterbugg – Big Boi, Cutty

PSA: Big Boi’s solo albums are FUCKING GREAT.

Headlines – Drake

Put this song on and watch everyone around you slowly start to rap along.

Kanye – Remix – sirenXX, Chainsmokers

This is another one that fits into the “what’s a hipster song I can add to this playlist” genre. I like it. It’s light. It’s fun. It’s catchy. Makes you wanna bop side to side. (Yeah, I said bop. What of it?!)

I was really worried that this song is by the Chainsmokers, because apparently they are a super lame band that everyone makes fun of. Thankfully, they just remixed this song, and it’s actually by someone name sirenXX. Instead, I can continue not knowing who the Chainsmokers are, and making fun of them when people cooler than me bring them up.

My Type – Saint Motel

That jazz band intro fires me up. This song isn’t THAT good, but once those horns come in, I’m gone! This is such a wedding song. If I were hammered, I dance the shit out of this song. And Boom Boom would be like, “How do you know all the words to this song?” and I’m like “YOU’RE JUST MY TYPE!!!!”

Trip Like I Do – The Crystal Method

The Crystal Method was my fucking shit in middle school. Thanks again, Spotify, for bringing me back to a time where I was nerding it up playing Magic the Gathering and listening to EPIC TECHNO. By the way, when did “Techno Music” become “Electronica”? Cuz their the same shit, right?
Man, there was a summer where was fucking ripped. Right? Why else would shit like this be on the “songs I listened to a lot during the summer” list? I probably made a SUPER SICK playlist for running, started it every morning, but then took a really long shit instead.

Break On Through (To The Other Side) – The Doors

I believe every good summer playlist needs a little sprinkling of Classic Rock. I can only speak for white people, but not everybody likes hip hop, not everybody likes country, but everybody likes Classic Rock.

Some Kind Of Wonderful – Reflection Eternal

I wholeheartedly believe I will be listening to Talib Kweli in 50 years when I’m in a retirement home. Nurse Robot! Put on that Black Star joint!

The Devil Is A Lie – Rick Ross, Jay Z

This is another album that dropped one summer, and I listened to this one, basically, on repeat.

  1. Jay Z’s verse is 2 Fire Emojis.
  2. But “Sippin Bordeaux out in Bordeaux” is better.
  3. When all the drums drop out but the bass drum, it’s epic.
  4. I lived in Harlem when this song came out, and dudes would just park in front of my building, open their doors and blast this song. And you know what? I couldn’t blame them.

Muerte En Hawaii – Calle 13

You want a good summer song? Take a ukulele and throw some Spanish rap on top. Boom. Close your eyes. Are you in a hammock sipping a coconut drink? Thought so.

Da Rockwilder – Method Man, Redman

It doesn’t matter what time of the year it is, this song will always be a banger

Joker And The Thief – Wolfmother

This may not the best song for your Summertime BBQ playlist, but it makes me want to run through a goddamn wall.

Trap Queen – Fetty Wap

I honestly have no idea about this song. I was probably like “What’s up with this Fetty Wap character?” then listened to it 14 times trying to figure out if it’s good or not. I’m still unsure.

Stand Together – Beastie Boys

The beginning of this song is one of my favorite beginnings to a Beastie Boys song ever.

The Walker – Fitz and The Tantrums

What do you want from me? We’ve already established that I’m really, really white. But just in case you forgot, this song is here. Let’s just hope I don’t get sunburned this summer.


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A Take Unlike Any Other

Well March Madness is over and, unfortunately, that means no more watching sports while pretending to do work. “But wait,” I hear you say. “It’s The Masters! It’s a tradition unlike any other.” Why is that? Because it’s the only tradition that still doesn’t let black people in?

But I was willing to give it a try, because… fuck actual work. I fired up the old Masters streaming service, threw it on the second monitor, and got ready for my work production to plummet. Here’s what I learned…

Are you ready?

Fuck golf. Golf is the dumbest, most boring thing I’ve ever watched on TV, and I watched the whole season of The Walking Dead where they were stuck on that goddamn farm. Golf is one of those sports from like 200 years ago that I’m supposed to care about because old, white sports reporters care about it, and that’s because it was the only sport around back when they were kids. Turns out that when you’re not working 90 hours a week in the factory, you can use your downtime to come up with a sport that’s more fun than taking a walk with a stick.

Wanna know how I know golf is boring to watch? Because you can literally describe what is going on to someone not watching and they won’t lose a single thing. Here, let me paint you a picture:

This one white guy wearing a half-zip fleece and a sponsored baseball hat takes 3 minutes to line up a putt. It’s probably like 30 feet downhill. He hits it right of the hole and it curves back to the left and almost goes in, but doesn’t. Aww shucks!

Then the other white guy wearing a half-zip fleece and a baseball hat with different sponsors on it takes 2 minutes to line up a 4 foot putt. He misses it. DRAMA!!!!

If I can follow a sport by checking my phone every 5 minutes and know EXACTLY what’s happening, your shit is not exciting enough.

Oh, but it’s all for the spectacle of it all. The ambiance. You get to see these guys compete while in a beautiful setting. Well, you know what else has competition in a beautiful setting? Planet Earth 2. And that shit is life or death. Literally. Did you see that iguana running away from all those fucking snakes? I almost threw up that shit was so intense.  I’ll take that any day of the week over a guy accidentally hitting a ball into some goddamn sand.

And who am I supposed to root for? All these guys look like the guys who think they’re cool at a  private school. I want my athletes going to prep school on scholarship to escape the trials and tribulations of the streets, not because it’s what their grandfather’s grandfather would’ve wanted. I think these motherfuckers look preppy and I grew up in Newport!

Look at this guy:

He is rocking a pink shirt with polka dots and has a man bun. A MAN BUN! There is no way this guy doesn’t try to fuck your girlfriend at a party when you go to the bathroom.

Some people like watching golf because they enjoy playing golf. And I can get behind that. Playing golf is fun. You’re outside. You’re with your buddies. There’s beers. There’s competition. I get it. But, you know what else has those things? Literally everything else ever!

Watching golf on TV is dumb. Also, fuck Jim Nantz.


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2016 Power Rankings – Toppa Bowl

FINALLY!

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It was never really in doubt, as Wide Right defeats Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60 – 95.60 in Toppa Bowl VI to become the 2016 James M. Toppa Sr Memorial Fantasy Football League champion.

From Blowing in Championships to Blow Out Champion

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The 77-point win was the biggest margin of victory in Toppa Bowl history. The previous record was when PWood defeated JD in Toppa Bowl IV, a record I’m sure JD is happy to now be on the other side of. JD also put up the second highest score in Toppa Bowl history.

Strong When It Mattered

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JD was an unlikely champion. He ended the season losing 4 of his last 6. But as the playoffs went on, JD’s team got stronger and stronger. JD only scored 117 points in the first round of the playoffs, but managed to squeak out a win over Micho by 7. He then put up 143 points in the West Lot Championship, blowing out Woody by 58. This week with everything on the line, JD’s team scored 172 points in a blowout championship victory over Buckets.

DeSantis, Bryant, Wilson & Watkins Money Management Inc.

championsleaguejd

DeSantis & DeSantis & Associates may be looking to add a few more partners to the firm, namely Russell Wilson, Sammy Watkins, and Dez Bryant. Wilson threw for 350 yards and 4 TDs, and finished the weekend with 54.10 points. That was good for the second highest fantasy point total of Week 16. Watkins and Bryant both put up their highest total of the season, each putting up more than 25 points (Watkins: 29.40, Bryant: 25.50). That ended up being all JD would really need to secure the championship belt.

There’s a Hole in the Buckets

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After putting up 172 points last week, Buckets’s team could only put up a disappointing 95.60 points this week. JD was able to turn the tables on Buckets and put up 172 of his own.

Couldn’t Buy a Buckets

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Almost every player underperformed for Buckets team. 10 of his 12 players scored below their projected scores. Only Jimmy Graham (10.30) and Ryan Shazier (11.50) scored better than their projections. Even worse, only Graham, Shazier, Cam Newton (16.50) and the NY Giants defense (13.00) scored in double digits. The end result was only 95.60 total points, which was the lowest score in Toppa Bowl history.

3rd 4th Time’s a Charm

jdeuro

This was JD’s 4th trip to the Toppa Bowl, coming up short the previous 3 times before this one. JD wasn’t feeling terribly confident after going 0-3 in Toppa Bowl’s up to this point. Word is, he didn’t even watch football this weekend, because he couldn’t deal with losing again.

First Cleveland. Then the Cubs. Now JD.

champagnejd

The impossible happened. JD was called a loser. They said nobody had more dumb luck than JD. He was called the Buffalo Bills of the Toppa League. He was called the Peyton Manning of the JMTSMFFL. He was the Cincinatti Bengals.

Well, the perpetual loser… won. Now, JD can call himself what only 4 others in the Toppa League can: Champion.

Special JDelivery

jrjd

The victory parade is scheduled to march down Thames Street this week and officials are expecting record crowds. Fans never thought this day would come. They’re taking every opportunity to celebrate. There could be tens of people out to see JD march the Toppa Belt down Thames Street.

It’s Gonna Be One Hell of a Party

paradejd

“I don’t care what people say about this year, 2016 was the best year of my life!” JD said in an interview while spraying himself with champagne. “Oh yeah, I guess the whole kid thing was pretty good too.”

Screen Shot 2015-10-22 at 11.41.21 AM

Well, another James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League season is in the book. Congratulations JD, you’re (finally) a champion.

As always, it was a hell of a season, fellas. This league continues to be one of my top 5 favorite things in my life. Ranking somewhere above family, and slightly below beer.

A big thanks for reading all season. Happy New Year. I wish you all the best 2017. Except in fantasy football.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 15

I’ve noticed a lot of heartfelt commercials lately. I don’t know what it is. Why do these commercials have to be so sad? Back in my day, a commercial during a football game consisted of a giant Ice Train that delivers COLD BEER and LADIES IN BIKINIS. Those were the good old days. Are they trying to make us feel bad for watching football? Are they trying to appeal to The Women? Here’s a couple examples of the ridiculous stuff I’ve been seeing during football games.

Heartfelt Message: Even referees are people too. Be nice to them.

Listen here you fucking assholes. After working a full shift delivering mail, George Mazzioni spent his Friday night driving 1 hour and 20 minutes to Pawkahassett and refereed a High School football game for $50 bucks. The guy was consistent all night and made the right call here. The receiver did not maintain possession while getting both feet in bounds. By the time he had control of the ball, his foot was out of bounds. Clearly not a catch. George went by the book. Always does. Now all he wants to do is get home to his wife and 3 kids, who have been been waiting up to see their daddy so he can tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. He wants to then have a small, kind conversation with his wife while she finishes her wine. Then after she goes to bed, he’ll open a cold Miller Light, sit in his favorite chair, put up his feet and watch a little bit of TV before he has to wake up and get back to the grind. But George can’t do that now, because his car broke down and to top it all off, it’s fucking raining. So move the fuck over Blake and Jonas. This man’s worked for everything in his life, unlike you entitled little pricks. Oh boo hoo, a call didn’t go your way for once. Well, the call doesn’t always go your way in life. Maybe you shoulda worked a little harder on your toe tapping in practice and it woulda paid off in the Big Game.

Heartfelt message: Support the troops. Gotta support the troops.

This is the most amazing logistical feat of our time. Are you kidding me? They took Christmas lights and strung together “Welcome Home Julia” that was big enough to be seen from 20,000 feet. It took me 45 minutes to string up my tree with 3 strands of lights.

And none of those strands went out?! You’re telling me that not one bulb went out and Julia’s little brother didn’t have to go through the entire length of “Home” bulb-by-bulb, taking one out and replacing it and seeing if the whole thing lit back up?

Also what if she didn’t look? How did her parents know she had an aisle seat? What if she was in the bathroom? What if she was drinking away all the fucked up shit she’d seen in the war and passed out? I’m just saying there’s a lot of moving pieces at play here.

Heartfelt message: Apple is the most amazing, inspiring, beautiful, amazing company ever.

Okay. Slow your fucking roll, Apple. Get the fuck over yourselves. Your little expressive messages are, at best, neat. I’m not wiping fucking tears away from my eyes because someone texted me “Sup.” accompanied by lasers.

And you do not need to waste a full minute of my time with some serious ass music to say “Hey, those texts you send? Now you can do even more useless shit with ’em.” Wanna know what’s “Practically Magic”? If you popped one of those balloons and there was a phone inside. And that phone had a picture of the Queen of Diamonds, which was a card that I pulled 10 minutes before you blew up that balloon and released it into the city air. Then that shit would be worth a minute of my time.

Heartfelt Message: Season’s Greetings from your friendly neighborhood bank.

Fuck that! Will the big banks never stop stealing from us?!? Where does their greed end?!! They are literally stealing the noses off of our faces! And then eating them!! Oh, then they pull into town and give out a few gifts, but that’s just a charity obligation that they can use as a tax right off. Meanwhile Frosty’s left out in the cold missing half his fucking face.

On to the weekend recap…

East Lot Championship Game

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 105.80

Buckets had his best game of the season and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He got great play from almost his entire team. Only Jimmy Graham (3.10), Tevin Coleman (5.60) and Barry Church (5.50) failed to score in double digits for his team. Of his other players, four (Cam Newton, Golden Tate, Jarvis Landry and the Buffalo defense) scored more than 20 points.

On the other side, JBiggs’s team was a disappointment. Only three players scored more than 10 points (Aaron Rodgers, Tahir Whitehead, and the Houston D), and A.A.Ron managed just 15.50 points, which was 10 points less than his projected score. In fact, nine of his twelve players underperformed their projected scores, and the three that managed to outscore their projections, did so by less than a point each.

West Lot Championship Game

#7 Wide Right 143.05

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 84.60

JD got 31.65 points from Russell Wilson, 20.00 points from Jonathan Stewart, 32.00 points from the Miami defense, and 15.00 points from his kicker, Dan Bailey, and that was pretty much all he needed to cruise to victory and punch his ticket to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row.

He didn’t need much more than that to beat Woody, who had a terrible weekend. In fact, those 4 players alone were enough to beat Woody by 14 points. Woody only had 2 players (Frank Gore and Steven Gostkowski) score more than their projections and not a single player on his team scored more than 19 points. Touchdown Tommy did not live up to his namesake, as TFB only scored 7.30 points and didn’t throw for a TD. Also, Woody’s three WRs combined for under 7 points, Tyler Eifert couldn’t manage 1 point, and Woody’s team defense (Green Bay, Paul Posluszny, and Khalil Mack) combined for only 20 points.

Props Over Here

  • Bryce Petty INTs: 2.5 Over (-200) / Under (+120)
  • Odell Beckham Jr has another 8-yard slant that goes for a long TD: Yes (-120) / No (+150)
  • Number of people who throw up at Christmas Eve Family Dinner after spending all day at Cappy’s watching the Pats: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-200)
  • That person who throws up is Brendo: +600
  • First person to show up at Cappy’s:
    • Micho (-300)
    • Vegas (-120)
    • Brendo (even)
    • Woody (+200)
    • PWood (+400)
    • Timmy (+1500)
  • Does Cappy’s have those poker chips they give you when someone buys a round? Chips (-1000) / Plastic Cups (+650)
  • A team scores under 100 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+145) / No (-120)
  • A team scores over 200 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My man Scott Hanson is wearing a Santa Hat while hosting Red Zone: Yes (+400) / No (-350)
  • Did I give my family better presents than they gave me? Yes (-200) / No (+135)
  • Boom Boom will be able to wait until Christmas Day to open another present currently under our tree: Yes (+350) / No (-200)

Toppa Bowl

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This is what it all comes down to. Who will show up to Toppa Draft VII wearing a Championship Belt?

#7 Wide Right (6-7) vs #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)

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This line is pretty exciting. A PICK in the Toppa Bowl! Two flawed but evenly matched up teams. It’s great! Right now the projected score has JD eking out a win by less than two points. The belt is up for grabs. It’s anyone championship to take home. It all comes down to who wants it more… No it doesn’t. It’s completely dumb luck at this point, but it’s still fun!

It tells you how fucking whacky fantasy football is that the combined winning percentage of the two teams in the Toppa Bowl is .423. This would be like if the Houston Texans played the Redskins in the Super Bowl this year.

But not to take anything away from these two teams (I want to take everything away from these two teams, I’m very bitter), we’re going to have a new Toppa Champion this year. JD makes it back to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row and the fourth time in six years. Of course, in all three trips to the Toppa Bowl, JD has come up short. In the first inaugural Toppa Bowl in 2011, he lost to Woody by 14 points. In Toppa Bowl IV, he got smashed by a different Wood, losing 169.70-116.55 to PWood. And last year, JD got the closest to tasting the Championship belt, losing by less than 7 points to #Nick.

Buckets has had even less playoff success, with only one win in three trips, until this year.

Previous Meeting: It was a pretty close matchup when these two teams met in Week 8, where Buckets ended up winning 137.20 – 129.25. In fact, the two teams were only separated by 2 points going into Monday night. Both had pretty bad days from their quarterbacks, as Cam Newton put up only 15.90 points and Russell Wilson scored an even worse 11.75. Both teams had a great day from one of their WRs: Dez Bryant scored 25.30 for JD and Michael Crabtree put up 18.80 for Buckets, but both team’s other two receivers averaged under 5 points. Both teams had solid days from their RBs and great play from their team defenses. The difference in the end, was Buckets had Gronk who scored 26.90 points. JD couldn’t keep up, with an 8.80 point day from Delanie Walker.

Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson. It always comes down to quarterback play and no one has been more inconsistent lately than Hustle & Bustle Wilson. He scored 31.65 points last week, but then 9.90 points the week before. The week before that, he scored 21.75, but 11.00 the week before. And then the week before that, he scored 31.00 points. JD has to hope Wilson doesn’t keep the trend going and have a down week this week. He’s matched up against Arizona, who I can’t figure out anymore; Jonathan Stewart, who put up 20.00 points last week and is matched up against a porous Atlanta defense.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who is also matched up against that terrible Atlanta defense. Cam threw for 300 yards last week for the first time since Week 2; Jarvis Landry, who has gone for 100+ yards in back-to-back games, but is matched up against a tough Buffalo defense who is…heh fighting… haha.. for the… ha… playoffsHAHAHAHA.

One historical note, the East Lot Champion has gone on to win last two Toppa Bowls. Just one more piece of history working against JD. But maybe this is the year he breaks the streak!

Okay JD and Buckets, set your lineups. It all comes down to this. The Giants are at Philadelphia (+2.5) tonight. Most of the games are on Christmas Eve, so be sure to ignore your families and pay attention to the games. If you have to do some last minute shopping on Saturday, forget it, they didn’t need presents anyway, you’re in the Toppa Bowl. Families come and go, but glory is forever.

Everyone have a safe and awesome Christmas.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

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8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

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Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

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And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

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I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

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BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

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Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

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JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

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That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

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And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 13

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We’re 8 days into December, and you know how I know? There are 8 holes in my advent calendar. I think advent calendars might be my favorite Christmas tradition. Much like many Christmas traditions, I’m sure it has some religious history that’s been co-opted by Walmart. Nowadays, there’s definitely nothing religious about pieces of chocolate. *Thinks about ranting about Easter, but then thinks better of it* 

Advent calendars are pretty much the best invention there is. “But Rhys, advent calendars are for kids,” you say. Oh really? Are kids the only ones who like puzzles? Intrigue? Surprises? Chocolate? Come on, even fucking hipsters like chocolate.

It’s not just the chocolate. Oh, I’ll get to the chocolate. But first, let’s discuss the fun of having to go on a scavenger hunt to find today’s date. It’s the 8th of the month, but there’s no rhyme or reason to these numbers. It’s like the advent calendar factory is run by a bunch of drunk 4 year olds. Where is today’s date!? I must find it! Gotcha. Right between the 15 and the 21. Sneeky sneeky.

Then, you have to try and open that perforated little door without tearing the entire calendar in half. It’s impossible. I guarantee there is no advent calendar on the planet that does not have one of those doors ripped off. They could hide bars of gold in advent calendars and no one would steal them.

Once you get that door open, you get to pull out the little chocolate and figure out what it is. Is it an angel? Is it a candle? Is it a Christmas Tree? They all look the same! The only one I know for sure is the wreath. That one’s easy to figure out. It’s a circle! Wreath. Boom. In the gullet.

And of course, the chocolate is the best part. I get a little piece of chocolate every morning for a month. It’s the ultimate payoff for all my hard work. Mmmmm, so sugary and delicious and I haven’t even brushed my teeth yet!

That shit is so great, they should make them for adults. Why should little kids have all the fun. Look you and I know, Santa Claus is NOT coming to town. But it doesn’t mean I can’t have a little sliver of joy every day, opening doors and getting treats. Obviously, the way to grown-upify an advent calendar is to fill it with booze. 24 days until Christmas. 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think fucking not! So here’s what you do. You grab an old 24 pack, buy a random assortment of 24 delicious beers and put them in the empty 24-pack box. Then, number stickers 1 through 24, and stick them to the top of the bottles and cans randomly*. Be sure to clear out all the other shit in your fridge to make room for your beervent calendar. Alternatively, if you don’t want beer, you can also do this with a random assortment of nips instead**. Then, on the 25th day (Christmas), you drink 25 beers. Best December ever.

*If your Woody, by a 24 pack of Miller Lite, put the stickers on there and call it a day. 

**Again, if your Woody, just 24 nips of Fireball.

But why stop at switching out the inside? Why not make finding the door a bit more difficult too. Let’s make each day a little riddle where the answer is the correct door to answer. Maybe use those rebus things on the back of Narragansett coasters. And why don’t we have advent calendars for other holidays? You know what? If there was a Valentines Day advent calendar filled with heart shaped chocolates, I might actually enjoy that day. Hahahaha! Just kidding. Fuck Valentines Day. But! Why not one for St. Patrick’s Day? You could fill it with beer and then each morning, open a door, and drink a beer. It’s great practice for the day itself.

Dog Shit of the Week

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Bilal Powell. You think I’d put Marquess Wilson here, who put up a goose egg for Vegas, but no. When Vegas puts the fate of his playoff life in the hands of a New York Jet, and expects it to end well? Well, you deserve 1 carry for 3 yards and 0.30 points, and a loss.

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Props Over Here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, courtesy of HewittBetting.lv (I may have added some here or there, as well):

Prop Bets

  • Check-ins will Micho post on Facebook this week: 11.5  Over (-250) / Under (+300)
  • Gostkowski misses an extra point: No (-105) / Yes (+110)
  • Joe Flacco throws that are called for Pass Interference: 1.5 Over (-250) / Under (+175)
  • I smash my remote after a Joe Flacco pass called for P.I.: Yes (-105) / No (+110)
  • “Dak Prestcot: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Bong rips for Timmy on Sunday: 2.5 Over (-105) / Under (+115)
  • #Nick gets dragged Christmas shopping instead of watching football on Sunday: Yes (-150) / No (+200)
  • Woody gets drunk during this week’s Pats game (Even)
  • LaGarrett Blount >65 yards (-125)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-350)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-650)

Playoff Matchups

#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (11-2) vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)

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With all those playoff scenarios available, Buckets snuck into the playoff in the least interesting way: everyone lost. Buckets has lost his last 3 match-ups, but managed to get into the playoffs since PWood, Vegas, and Brendo went a combined 3-9 down the stretch.

I’m the number one seed, am the second highest scoring team in the league, am riding a two game winning streak and haven’t lost to anyone who doesn’t have the last name DeSantis. But I’m not that confident; the number one seed has never won Toppa League and are only 3-2 in their first round games.

Previous Matchup: Drew Brees (40.70), Jordy Nelson (30.10) and LaGarrette Blount (32.50) combined for more than 100 points and helped me crush Buckets, 203.60 – 148.70, in Week 3. Buckets got a real let down game from Cam Newton (15.70) who scored 51.35 points the previous week. Instead he threw for 262 yards and 3 picks and never really recovered all season.

Key Players for SexyRexy&RobTheSlob: Drew Brees, who is number one in fantasy points this season, averaging more than 33 points per game. I will happily take 31 points, but my dude has gone for 40+ four times this season, and 50+ twice! David Johnson, who is the number one fantasy running back this year. He’s averaging 28.92 points per game in his last four games. This is why I finished the regular season in first.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has scored more than 20 points in only 2 of his last 6 games and is matched up against the “their team sucks, but their defense might not actually suck that much” San Diego Chargers; Lamar Miller, who is 15th in overall scoring amongst RBs, but has only scored in double digits once in his last 4 games, including a 1.80 point stinker last week. He’s matched up against Indy, who blow.

#2 ErectDecker (9-4) vs. #7 Wide Right (6-7)

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JD being a favorite here feels a bit wrong. HewittBetting.lv has never been a fan of Micho, and this line probably reflects that. JD has limped into the playoffs, losing 4 of his last 6, including his last 2 match-ups. JD is also the lowest scoring team to make the playoffs, averaging only 131.21 points per week.

Micho was the top of the league for 4 weeks before he hit a rough patch, losing 3 of 4. He managed to get back on track, right in time for the playoffs, winning 4 of his last 5. Micho finished the season in third in points scored.

God, it would be so perfect for Micho to lose to a team with Scott Norwood as its avatar. I’m not saying I’m rooting for it, but I’m not saying I’m not rooting for it.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD handed Micho his first loss of the season, 182.05 – 123.60. JD had a great game from Sammie Coates (35.90 points) but the real reason he won, was having only 4 of his 12 players score in single digits. Micho on the other hand, had an amazing game from Ezekiel Elliot (39.10) but no one else, as 10 of his 12 players couldn’t score in double digits, including 1.00 from Kenny Stills and 0.10 from John Brown.

Key Players for ErectDecker: Zeke, who’s averaging 97 yards and a touchdown in his last six games. He goes up against a tough New York Giants defense, who’s ranked 5th against the run, but it kinda doesn’t matter, because Elliot scored 15.50 points against a Minnesota D who’s 9th in fantasy against the run; Thomas Rawls, who Micho tried to trade to me, then got pissed at me when I declined. Rawls missed the first 10 games of the season, then scored 8.80 and 3.30 points in his first two games back from injury, then blew up for 33.80 points last week.

Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson, who in the 8 weeks since the bye has had games of 34.10, 43.00, 30.00, and 21.25. He’s also had games of 13.20, 8.95, 11.75 and 11.55 in that amount of time, as well. He’s matched up against Green Bay this week, where he’s 3-1, lifetime, with 736 yards, 7 TDs and 5 picks* (that averages out to 184 yards, just under 2 TDs and a pick); DeAndre Hopkins, who scored double digit fantasy points last week for the first time in 7 weeks; Sammy Watkins, just because it’d be brutal for Micho to get burned by his own team’s guy, especially since he hasn’t played all season.

*4 of those interceptions were in the NFC Championship game that they won. I completely forgot this.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina (9-4) vs #7 #TomFuckinMaini (6-7)

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A pick ’em!! I love it.

JBiggs should really be favored here. This season, he started off by winning 4 in a row, then lost 3 of 4, but then won his last 4 of the season.

#Nick’s had more of an up-and-down season, where he’s never won more than 2 in a row nor lost more than 2 in a row. #Nick only beat one playoff team (Woody), but didn’t lose to any non-playoff team except for Vegas in Week 8, and that was by less than 3 points.

An EVEN line does seem right however, these two teams are fifth and sixth in overall scoring this season, and have an average weekly score separated by only 0.33 points (Goodells A Man-gina: 141.86, #TomFuckinMaini: 141.53)

Previous Matchup: In Week 3, JBiggs beat #Nick by 10 points, 145.65 – 135.60. JBiggs got a rare (for this season, at least) classic A.A.Ron game, where he threw for 4 TDs and put 37.45 points. He also got 33.70 points from Emmanuel Sanders. #Nick did not have elite quarterback play from Joe Flacco, who put up only 12.90 points on 214 yards and 2 INTs.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: A.A.Ron, who had a bit of a bad week last week (21.05 points), but has had a great 6 week stretch before that point. In Weeks 7 through 12, A.A.Ron had 39.00, 45.30, 36.15, 43.25, 46.85, and 31.25 points; Julian Edelman, Emmanuel Sanders, and Brandon Marshall. All three of JBiggs’s starting WRs are averaging below 10 points per game and only have 8 double digit fantasy games between the 3 of them.

Key Players for #TomFuckinMaini: Good god! That’s Alex Smith’s music!! #Nick’s putting his trust in a QB who hasn’t scored more than 27 points since Week 1 (43.65).

#4 Princess AmukaMARY (8-5) vs. #5 Michos a Gurley-Man (7-6)

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Woody and JeffWho are the first and fourth highest scoring teams in the league. This one promises to be a barn burner. Woody had a tough beginning of the season, starting out 3-4, even though he scored 165, 164, and 158 points in three of his losses. He closed out the season winning 5 of his last 6.

JeffWho was a .500 club for the first half of the season, before changing his team name and ripping off three wins in a row, where he averaged 176 points per week. Since then, though, he’s lost 3 of his last 4, including his last 2.

Previous Matchup: Woody beat JeffWho, 166.40 – 153.30. Woody was able to weather a bad fantasy day from TFB (13.50) by getting a bunch of really solid games from the rest of his team. Stefon Diggs and DeMarco Murray combined for 60+ points, and 4 other players scored in double digits, including his kicker (14.00)! JeffWho still had Kelvin Benjamin back then, and he and Mike Evans only combined to score 12.00 points.

Key Players for PrincessAmukaMARY: TFB. Nothing else matters.

Key Players for Michos a Gurley-Man: Melvin Gordon, who has only scored less than 10 points once this season. Holy crap! This guy sucked last year. He didn’t score a single TD, now he’s got 10; Mike Evans didn’t show up for JeffWho last time, but he’s showed up in a lot of other games this season. He’s averaging 15 points a game and he’s facing the gawdawful Saints defense.

So here we go. Set your lineups. The Raiders play the Chiefs (-3) in Kansas City. The Chiefs are in Red Color Rush™ unis and the Raiders are in white. Bo. Ring. If Nike had any balls, the Chiefs would be in yellow with red numbering and the Raiders would be in all silver with black numbers. Come on Nike. Think outside the box.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 12

 

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I heard this on Sunday as I was reaching for a chip: “Cameron Wake is 34 years old and coming off a torn Achilles.” I didn’t put the chip back, but I felt really bad about eating it.

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The Patriots defense is not good. It’s not awful, but it is not good. They can’t get to the quarterback. It’s a fact. And if they can’t get to the quarterback, why are they rushing only two and three guys? And I can’t even remember the last time the Pats blitzed. Now, blitzing wouldn’t be necessary if you had a front four that could reach the quarterback. Denver is the best example of this, the Broncos lead the league with a 10.2 percent sack rate on passes when not sending extra pressure. Of course, it helps when you have Von Miller. But anyway, the Pats rank 30th in pass rush, are 24th in total sacks, and have an adjusted sack rate of just 4% of every drop back (the NFL average is 6.1%). They are in the top 10 of the league in QB hurries, but are in the middle of the pack in completion percentage. All this equals out to if you give a quarterback time (which they do), and he knows he’s not gonna get hit (which he’s not), he’s gonna pick you apart. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Russell Wilson or Ryan Fitzpatrick. And I’m not allowed to be worried about this?! Anybody who’s been in a Braga Bowl knows if you don’t have someone to count to “5 Mississippi” the quarterback is gonna make plays. Maybe send an extra guy now and again!

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Huge sigh. Okay, there’s good news. Maybe this is just for me, since I’m apparently the only one who’s worried. The Pats are second in yards after catch, which backs up what I’ve been thinking for a couple years now: this team tackles really well. The Patriots are third in points allowed and 4th in touchdowns allowed, meaning ‘Bend But Not Break’ is still a thing. And the offense is really good. So as long as they don’t give up more the 24 points, every game is winnable.

The other good news is, for a reason I don’t have the time to research, there’s basically no completely balanced team in the league. The Patriots D kinda sucks, but they’re the 3rd best offense in the league. Dallas? Atlanta? Oakland? Great offenses (1st, 2nd, and 5th, respectively) but terrible defenses (27th, 24th, and 26th). Baltimore? Denver? Minnesota? The exact opposite. Great defenses (1st, 2nd and 6th) but terrible offenses (30th, 24th, and 25th). Seattle, Pittsburgh and Kansas City are arguably the most “balanced” teams, but Seattle just put up 5 points against Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh are a snap away from being Roethlisbergerless and KC has Alex Smith. Again, I have no reason why this is the case. If I were to guess, I’d guess that the salary cap prohibits you from spending enough to make both sides of the ball elite, so teams have to make a choice based on their current personnel, but I have no justification for that take. This does mean, the Pats are not as bad as I think, since everyone else is kinda bad too. As long as they get home field advantage throughout they’ll be in good……ish shape.

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If you didn’t notice, this email came in at 12:12pm and was 12 lines of “TFB12” 12 times. I gotta give #Nick props for creativity. #Nick has really enjoyed this whole RHYSNICE WAS WRONG week. It’s because you live in Georgia now, huh? Not much to do huh, buddy? Maybe join a Meetup group or something.

I enjoyed pixelating #Nick’s last name and email address, because it makes him look like a sex offender. Which…. *shrugs shoulders*

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I love me some Redzone, but there is one downside to it. There are no commercials, so I never have a time when I know I can run to the bathroom. Luckily, my man Scott Hanson has me covered yet again. He has a secret code phrase every week that lets you know it’s okay to take a break. It’s kinda like You Can’t Do That On Television, where the secret word gets you slimed, but this one lets you know it’s okay to get up and take a piss. This week’s phrase was “we now go to the Bills-Jags game.”

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I didn’t have time to write this last week, but I learned a lesson while I was in San Francisco. I’ve learned that Murphys go on the Murtaugh List. All of them. Friends, Brothers, Fathers, Mothers, Cousins. I am too old for that shit. I am no longer 22. I cannot get blackout drunk multiple nights in a row and eat nothing but greasy meat covered in cheese. It sounds wonderful and fun, but it turns out it’s not actually that healthy for you. I spent the whole trip shitting, having to shit, or feeling like I had to take a shit, but couldn’t. Also, random parts of my body started aching and I did no physical activity whatsoever.

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There was this guy who came to the Niners-Pats game with us. I guess he was a friend of a friend. And he seemed like a cool guy. He was one of those guys who, you know, talks to people in a new group of people, which I guess is a thing normal and/or cool people do. But, I should’ve known this kid was not cool. In hindsight, the first tell was the fact that he was dressed like he was gonna play 18 at pebble beach, not dressed to go watch a football game. (If you dress like a golf referee, however, that’s fine.) He was wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and a white sox hat. He claimed it was because it gets really hot in Santa Clara, but if he had looked at the weather report, he’d have known it was predicted to be somewhere between 100% rain for an hour and 1000% rain for 13 hours. Had I recognized this was a sign that he was a douchebag, I could’ve ignored him right off the bat instead of being friendly to him. Instead, I had to listen to him talking about when he was trying to figure out whether he could hit on Boom Boom or her friend. You should know, he had a girlfriend. Also, who’s trying to hook up at a football game? What are you a Lions fan? I would’ve been pissed but I knew I could’ve put his head through the wall without really trying. It’s also great when a guy says something like that and you can watch women physically trying to stifle laughter.

I also had to listen to this guy talk shit about Garage Beer Pong playlist on our bus ride home. It apparently wasn’t “HARD” enough for him. Come on, bro. A little bit later, he put on a poncho and took a piss in a bottle of cranberry juice, because he couldn’t hold it. In front of Murph’s parents.

So, fuck that guy. The lesson as always, don’t trust people who aren’t socially awkward.

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I feel like every dude weekend has a running joke throughout it. A joke that is pretty funny, but takes on a whole life of its own throughout the weekend. It only gets funnier and funnier as you get drunk and hungover and drunk and hungover again. Last time I was in San Francisco, that joke was Murph almost throwing up on me while taking a shot at the bar. Basically every 45 minutes for 5 days, we mimicked the dry heave noise he made. Someone may have even done it during his wedding.

The Member Berries were that joke while we were in San Francisco this time. Honestly, the source material is hilarious, but it became a quick and easy way to make a joke: just throw “Member” in front of whatever you were talking about and you’ve got comedy gold. I’ve made and heard so many Member Berry jokes over the last week and a half that I can’t tell if I love them or hate them.

Do women do this? They definitely don’t do this, do they? Like, do they go to bachelorette parties and tell the same joke 154 times in 48 hours? Are they at their fancy dinner and like, “Guess what, outta tampons again!!!”? Are they touring wineries and being like, “Fuck you, Lorelai! Hahahaha!”? Who knows? Such a fascinating species…

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Last night, I woke in a cold sweat remembering that Woody sent me this text. I thought that he could be sending me a “RHYSNICE WAS WRONG” letter in the goddamn mail! That woulda been some shit. I probably woulda broke down and cried had I opened a physical envelope with a diss in it. I checked the timestamp, and he sent that text before I thought the Patriots were gonna lose. So it’s probably just a Christmas card. And now it’s too late to be like, “Good Idea, Rhys!” scribble scribble scribble. The mail will never be delivered in time. You missed out. How am I better and more creative at dissing myself than you all are? It’s really pretty pathetic.

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This was a sick burn, except you fucked it up. I definitely made my “WRONG” comment last Sunday, which was in November, and very much not June. This joke is null and void and therefore not funny. How do you not know November is the 11th month?! Jesus, you better get Mary shooting hoops now, the future is bleak. Why don’t you send her to Uncle Rhys’s house so she can learn to read?

Or is the school year that bad already that you’re just can’t fucking wait for June? As an ex-teacher, I can appreciate that.

If we win the Super Bowl, I will buy and wear that shirt. To ToppaDraft VII.

 

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This Week’s Level: A big, huge, fat blunt filled with bullshit

Yesterday I saw a spot on CBS News This Morning about how Titans linebacker Derrick Morgan is asking the NFL to look into the drug cannabidiol, or CBD, and its possible uses for helping fight CTE. If the word cannabidoil looks familiar, it’s exactly what you think it is: an oil that’s made from marijuana. It’s already being used to control seizures in some kids with epilepsy and Jake “The Snake” Plummer (Remember him!?) uses CBD to help with the constant headaches he has.

The NFL made a statement, which started like all NFL statements, that its “top priority is the health and safety of our players,” which is a lie. Then followed it up with “medical experts have not recommended making a change or revisiting our collectively-bargained policy and approach related to marijuana.” So let’s just keep giving all the players as much oxycodone as they need and forget about it.

The NFL also said it’s starting a committee to look into using alternative forms of pain management. Which, of course, is the way shit-eating, money-grubbing lawyers deal with everything. We’re forming a committee to look into it! Sure. Let me know your fucking findings. Maybe I’m gonna start forming a committee to get away with all my shit. Rhys, why are the dishes still in the sink after you said you’d clean them? I’m forming a committee to see what soap I should use. Rhys, you missed your last deadline to file that proposal. Well, I formed a committee and their findings aren’t complete yet. I need some more time.

Then like two hours later, I read about the NFL suspending Bills offensive lineman Seantrel Henderson 10 games for violating the substance abuse policy. Why? Because he smoked pot to help alleviate the symptoms of his Crohn’s disease. He ended up having 2 and 1/2 feet of toxic sections of his small and large intestines removed in surgery and was unable to take traditional pain killers. So he smoked some pot to deal with the pain.

The NFL will never look into using pot as a preventative measure and/or remedy for head injuries (they’re still claiming that football doesn’t cause head injuries!) because it’s too much of a hot button issue. They’re too scared of how the PR will look. Just a buncha potheads over there in the NFL. Lock em all up! But this is a forest for the trees thing. If they took a step back and said “Okay, we’ll look into it. There might be something there.” AND if the NFL actually said “We know this may be a controversial subject, but we’re looking into every single way to keep our players safe.” then maybe I might believe them. And as for Henderson, why not just be like “We don’t usually make exceptions, but considering this guy is missing 2 and ½ feet from his stomach, we’re gonna look the other way on this one.” Who is complaining about this!?!

Pot is only going to become a bigger and bigger issue for the NFL. Just look, the last 3 Super Bowl champions are from states where marijuana is, or is about to be, legal.

Dog Shit of the Week

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Robert Kelley. FAT ROB!! In a game that featured 500 yards of offense from the Washington Racisms, going up against a Cowboys defense that is ranked 27th in the league, Fat Rob only managed 37 yards on 14 carries, averaging 2.6 yards per carry, and 4.20 fantasy points. That was after scoring 39.70 points last week and averaging 21 points in his last 3 games. Buckets ended up losing a by 5 points and could’ve used a great game (or even a decent one) from Fat Rob.

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Oh boy, 1 playoff spot left and 3 teams fighting for it. It all comes down to this week.

12. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 2) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Fine. FINE! I’ll rank myself last. I’ll cop to it. I doubted the Patriots. You know shit is bad when Austin, the kid who leaves Patriots games in the 4th quarter when they’re losing and has shit on both Tom Brady and Belichick, calls you out. I just had an awful feeling that it was gonna be one of those games where the defense ends up giving up a soft touchdown at the end of the game and leaves Tommy only 20 seconds to drive the whole field and then he doesn’t do it and it leaves you feeling terrible. I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m the only one who felt that way. I’m just the only jackass who said it on the group text. Like I was the only one who was nervous the Patriots were losing to a shitty Jets team? They were making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like… I dunno, anyone other than Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Pats were 9.5 point favorites and they were losing to Quincy Enunwa’s asshole. It’s not like I was actively rooting for the fucking Jets, it’s that I was pissed it looked like we were gonna lose to the fucking Jets. But all of you guys were so fucking confident. Not a single drop of sweat. Fuck that and fuck you.

Honestly, I had just spent 4 fucking days with my family. After going through that and a tie score at halftime and a hurt Gronk, I should’ve been on fucking suicide watch.

And another thing! You all should be fucking thanking me. That was the one of greatest reverse jinxes of all time. I single handed swung the outcome of that game. But this is the fucking thanks I get.

Most likely playoff spot: 1 seed (100%)

11. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 9) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Technically, Brendo’s not eliminated from the Playoffs. All he needs is a win this week, and Buckets, PWood and Vegas to all lose. He also needs to score 282 points, assuming Buckets, PWood and Vegas all score what they’re projected to. Better make it an even 300 just to be safe.

10. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 12) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Timmy’s done. Like I can’t even make up a scenario where he’d make it into the playoffs. I guess just focus 100% of your energy on gambling instead of most of it?

9. Wide Right (Last Week: 5) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JD didn’t really join in on the piling on festivities, until he sent a picture of his baby today saying I was wrong. So fuck you JD. And fuck your baby.

JD did not clinch his playoff berth by winning his matchup with his brother, he also didn’t get the turkey leg this Thanksgiving. He was stuck with dry breast meat. Ugh, it’s the only time of the year when white breasts are not what I want. Anyway, because both Timmy and I won, JD clinched a playoff berth this week. I shoulda lost on purpose.

Most likely playoff spot: 7 Seed (52.8%)

8. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 10) [Playoff Odds: 18.04%]

PWood has now lost 3 in a row and his playoff chances have dropped from over 40% to under 20%. He HAS to win this weekend and he also needs Buckets to lose. That would put him in a tie for 8th, and currently he’s leading in the overall points tie breaker.

7. Michos A Gurley-Man (Last Week: 4) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (41.4%)

6. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 1) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (40.9%)

JeffWho and Woody were a combined 8-2 over the last 5 weeks, but both of them put up big losses this week. Woody only managed to score 123.80 points, which is almost 40 points less than his league leading 162.47 points per week average. JeffWho got smoked by Vegas by 68 points. Both have over a 60% at the 4 or the 5 seed. Which means we could see 1st and 3rd highest scoring teams going up against each other in a Round 1 slobberknocker.

5. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 8) [Playoff Odds: 66.56%]

Buckets has yet to be mean to me via the group chat. And I appreciate that. I’m fucking sensitive, alright?

I once had someone tell me to stop being so sensitive. And I was like, Yeah, I’ll work on that. But now I think, That’s exactly the type of shit a mean person would say. And, maybe you should stop being such a fucking asshole. I’m pretty sure if you go from being a dick to being a nice person that world ends up +1. Not sure if that’s the case if I become more jaded.

Buckets can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd BEAT ErectDecker; OR
  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Wonderland VIP’s -AND- Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola;

4. ErectDecker (Last Week: 6) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

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Thank god for Micho. At least when I’m getting shit on by the group text, he’s there to pretty much always get shit on by the group text.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (47.3%)

3. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 7) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

#Nick took his destiny into his own hands, beat Buckets in a very tight contest this weekend and clinched a playoff berth. He’s probably going to end up with a decent playoff spot since he has more than 50 total points than the next potential playoff team.

Most likely playoff spot: 6 seed (84.9%)

2. Goodells A Man-gina (Last Week: 3) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JBiggs broke from tradition and didn’t trade with his brother over the dinner table. It didn’t help since they were playing each other this week. Instead he took another step closer to the 2 seed by winning the DeSantiseseses Bowl.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (32.7%)

1. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 11) [Playoff Odds: 13.92%]

Holy Shit! Vegas scored the second highest total of the year and somehow uneliminated himself from the playoffs! He went from a 0% chance of making the playoffs last week to a 14% chance this week. That’s some fucking Woody Math right there.

Here are your playoff scenarios heading into the final week of the season.

  • If Buckets wins, he’s in and that’s it.
  • If Vegas and PWood lose, Buckets is in and that’s in.
  • If Buckets and Vegas lose and PWood wins, Buckets and PWood tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets and PWood lose and Vegas wins, Buckets and Vegas tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets loses and both PWood and Vegas win, Buckets, Vegas and PWood all tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • Currently, the total points scored looks like this:
    • Funky Cold ‘Mendola: 1651.55
    • Wonderland VIP’s: 1620.5
    • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: 1598.65
  • Oh right, and if Buckets, PWood, and Vegas all lose, and Brendo wins AND he scores like 350 points, Brendo gets the 8th seed.

Set your lineups and make your picks. Dallas (-3) is at Minnesota tonight. This is actually a pretty good game. Dallas is obviously good and Minnesota is either collapsing or…. collapsing. But their defense could keep them in this game. Both these teams played on Thanksgiving too, so they’ve had a full week’s rest before this game! What a concept! AND Minnesota’s Color Rush™ is actually fire emoji:

Purple on purple with that yellow? That shit is fire. And Dallas’s Color Rush™ unis aren’t bad either:

This has all the makings of a good one. So, it’s totally gonna suck!

Enjoy the games this weekend. And yes, RHYSNICE WAS WRONG.