James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!

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2017 Power Ranks – Week 10

I was out of town all weekend and only got back late Tuesday, so I’ve decided to take this week off. Instead, I’m going to put up a full post on Tuesday that will serve as a sort of combo-post for this week and Thanksgiving, since my Thanksgiving posts are always short anyway. Whose got time to write when there’s all that eating to do? Clearly never me.

Here are this week’s updated #PowerRanks with playoff odds:

Week 10 #PowerRankings

Three teams punched their ticket to the Toppa League Playoffs this weekend. No one has been completely eliminated yet, so everyone else is “technically” in it.

12. Beat Micho-gan (18.26% chance of making playoffs)

Gross.

11. Dessert First (24.06% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has lost 4 in a row and is only averaging 118 points in those games. Woody now has less than a 1 in 4 chance of making the playoffs. If he misses them, it will be the first time in Toppa League history he didn’t make the playoffs.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (62.32% chance of making playoffs)

9. Patsfaninthecloset (3.8% chance of making playoffs)

Micho was beating me by 13 points heading into Monday night. We both had a Carolina receiver left to play (I had Devin Funchess. He had Curtis Samuel.). About an hour before kickoff, he sent me this:

I thought it was pretty risky to start the trash talk when there was still a chance he could lose, even if Yahoo said that chance was only 11%. Cut to Curtis Samuel getting hurt and Funchess scoring a touchdown on the same drive. I sent Micho this:

He went to bed.

8. Halftime in Cinci (3.5% chance of making playoffs)

Both Micho and PWood put up 150 points this week, and lost. If it wasn’t going to happen this week, it’s probably not gonna happen at all.

7. BigBrendoBrand (92.4% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

6. Spoiler Alert (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

5. FuseLitHugeDick (97.53% chance of making playoffs)

FuseLitHugeDick CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

4. PowerFranks Gore (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

PowerFranks Gore CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

3. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

#MainiMagic continues. #Nick only scored 93 points this week and somehow still got the win. He now is 8-2 and has the third lowest point total in the league.

2. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD is peaking at the right time. He’s won four in a row and is averaging 166 points in those four weeks.

1. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Six. Six in a row. This is insane.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

BigBrendoBrand takes on PowerFranks Gore in a matchup that has playoff implications for both teams. If I win, I’m in. If Brendo wins, he has a chance to clinch, but needs help to do it. If Spoiler Alert takes care of business against Dessert First, Vegas clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for FuseLitHugeDick going up against CheesyGorditaCrunch. And finally, 2-8 Halftime in Cinci takes on 3-7 Beat Micho-gan in a loser leaves town match.

Set your lineups, Tennessee takes on Pittsburgh (-7). We had a chance recreate the second-best color rush game of all time, when Tennessee, playing in baby blue, took on Jacksonville in their mustard yellow, but Pittsburgh has opted to play in black, instead of all yellow. A missed opportunity.

Have a good weekend. I’ll have a post about turkey early next week.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 9

I recently went to a brewery that’s right down the street from my apartment. They just redid their taproom so now it’s much bigger and nicer. It used to be a really tiny, broken down room with a bar, where the paint was chipping and there were holes in the walls. The new spot is huge (for NYC) with a half dozen large, communal tables and actual seats at the bar. They kept some of the dinginess, but now the unfinished and chipped paint on the walls is on purpose. The old taproom had just one bathroom, that was also the storage closet. It had a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a weird, huge poster of the gastrointestinal tract on the wall.

When Boom Boom and I went to the new place, she said “I’m gonna go check out the new bathroom.” I was immediately intrigued. The rest of the place had clearly been upgraded, how had the bathrooms been improved? When she came back, I asked and she said “They’re nice.” This was not enough of a description for me. Thankfully, this wasn’t like when you go out to dinner at someone’s house and you tell them the food is “good” but really tastes like cat puke. These bathrooms were actually nice, but I craved a description. A way of knowing right away how “nice” this bathroom was. I needed some type of score.

So I have devised a scientific rating system for public bathrooms to be used heretoforth:

Overall

Single Unisex (+5 points; subtract 10 if there’s a line)

There are exceptions of course, but overall single unisex bathrooms always seem to be a bit more nicer and cleaner than bigger bathrooms. I wonder why that is. Is it because guys know that there’s a 50/50 chance of a woman using it directly after you, so they try like 8% harder not to pee all over the walls? Or is it that a place that tends to have a single unisex bathroom, is a little more grownup than a place that is trying to cram as many people as possible into the bar itself but also the bathroom? Either way, I enjoy being alone with my thoughts while I pee, even if it’s only for a little while.

Space (was clearly once be a closet -10 points; Approximately the size of your bathroom at home 1 point; Has 5+ toilets +5 points)

I don’t need the world’s most expansive bathroom here, all I’m asking is that I don’t hit my head on the door when I wipe.

Wetness (On a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being dry, 5 being half the bathroom floor is wet, 10 is the entire floor is soaked and subtract that score)

Why is the bathroom at O’Briens wetter than my bathroom after I give my dog a bath? What the fuck is going on that would cause puddles on the ground. Are little kids scooping water out of the toilet and flinging it at each other? Are people so wasted that they line up 8 inches too far away from the toilet and just pee on the floor? Do the toilets flush extremely violently? So much so that the water explodes out of them?

Smell (Smells like poop -10; Smells like 35 toilet cakes -5 points; Smells like flowers +5 points; Smells like vomit -1000 points)

Sometimes when we clean the apartment, Boom Boom will light scented candles, because she’s into the girly shit. She’ll light one in the bathroom and it makes for such a pleasant experience. But smell in a bathroom is a slippery slope. Obviously, a bathroom that smells like literal shit, is a bad time. But when the bathroom smells a bit too much like cleaning products, it makes me a little sick.

Toilets

Trough (-10 points)

Nope. Just nope. We do not live in the middle ages. If I wanted to pee in a bathtub, I’d stay at home.

Things to aim at (+10 points)

When they put one of those little flies in the urinal and you get to aim your pee at it. Not only am I relieving myself, I get to play a game. Two birds with one stone! Yet another reason why women’s lives are not as much fun as men’s. On the list of reasons why it sucks to be a woman, I’d put not getting to aim your pee at Urinal Flies above waxing their entire bodies and right below childbirth.

Bonus points! Apparently this thing has been scientifically proven to keep bathrooms 85% cleaner. Because men apparently can’t be trusted to not pee on the floor without something to distract us.

Sink

Small Sink (-5 points)

It turns out that when you try to put a bathroom in a closet, there’s not a lot of space in there. Toilets are a pretty standard size, so how are we gonna make up for the lack of space? I know, let’s install the world’s smallest sink. That’ll work. A sink so small you can’t even fit both hands in it under the tap. If the sink is this small, then it’s a sign the bathroom itself is too small.

Automatic Sink (-5 points)

You know what would be nice? If when I wanted to wash my hands, that I could actually get my wands wet when I actually wanted to. I rather not have to hold my hands in the sink for 30 seconds, then do a full body scooping motion putting my hands under the faucet, then move them back and forth to have the water turn on and then quickly turn off again. Just give me a handle.

Automatic Soap Dispenser (-10 points)

The only thing that works less consistently than the automatic sink is the automatic soap dispenser. I’ll keep my hands under an automatic soap dispenser for 2 solid minutes before realizing that it’s actually empty, then go over to another sink to use that soap dispenser, to have it not dispense soap, walk away, and have soap come out. Why is this a thing? Who has trouble pushing down on a small pump?

Sinks outside the bathroom (+15 points)

Oooo the bathroom is so cool, it’s been broken into different rooms. This is some fancy pants shit. I have no proof of this, but I also feel like having a separate place for washing your hands gets people in and out of the toilets quicker.

Hand Dryer

Automatic Hand Dryer (-5 points)

So many times, I have turned on an automatic hand dryer, put my hands underneath it for 45 seconds, said, “Fuck it,” and wiped my hands on my pants and left the bathroom. It’d probably be more effective if someone just blew on your hands.

Paper Towels (+2 points)

Turns out, paper towels are still perfect for drying your hands. However, there are a few downsides. One, bad for the environment. I feel like I’m killing a polar bear with each and every sheet of paper towel I use. Second, paper towels have serious potential to become a disaster area. Disclaimer: you only really need 1 or 2 paper towels to dry your hands. Who are these people who are grabbing 10-15 at a time and throwing them around the bathroom. “Oh no! The trash can is full. I have nowhere to dispose of the way-too-many paper towels I have in my hands! Oh well, I guess I’ll just throw them EVERYWHERE instead.”

Blade (+10 points)

I looooove these things. In fact, I would make love to a Dyson Blade if I were not certain it would pull off my pecker. It gets your hands so dry in like 4 seconds. Plus feels like I’m using a machine they’d have on a spaceship. “Captain, aliens are attacking” One second, let me instantly dry my hands.

Decor

Graffiti (-5 points)

I feel like I’m supposed to like graffiti in the bathroom because I live in New York and it makes them gritty and authentic. But really it just means you’re in a dive bar. Every once and awhile you find some clever shit that’ll make you laugh, but more often than not, it’s lame tags, stickers for bad bands, and racist/homophobic stuff.

Chalk (+5 points)

Oh I love chalk. This is the perfect amount of commitment I can muster up for my graffiti. I can write “RhysNice wuz here” and know if will be erased in 13 seconds, and I’m okay with it.

Pictures/Witty Signs/Things to look at (+10 points)

Anything that’ll differentiate your bathroom from someone else’s bathroom.

Bonus points: it’s good enough for you to come back and start a conversation about. For example, this will get you many bonus points

Bathroom Attendant (-10 points)

You would think this would get you extra points for fanciness, but fuck that! I do not want to have to pay someone to use the bathroom. And they “help” you with the stupidest things. “Here sir, I’ll turn on the faucet for you. Would you like a towel?” Get outta here with that! I have thumbs! I am fully capable of washing my own hands and drying them on my own, thank you. Maybe the bathroom attendant should blow on my hands to dry them. Then, they’ve earned their tip.

I now need to know how Specks rates on this scale.

Week 9 #PowerRankings

No one actually watched football this Sunday afternoon right? The Pats were on a bye, the Bills played on Thursday, the Dolphins played on Sunday night, and the Giants are teeeerrrrrrrrrrrriiibbbbllllllllle. So no one needed to watch those other games, which were pretty damn boring by the way. The league is now in a weird place where there are two teams with 7 wins, two teams with 6, two with 5, two with 4, two with 3, and two teams with only 2 wins. I don’t know if that’s happened before. Or if it means anything at all. It does mean that there are a bunch of similar playoff odds now, and that no one is out of playoff contention. Yet.

12. Beat Micho-gan (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

JeffWho’s team has yet to score 125 points in a week. He’s failed to score 90 points three different times. JeffWho is on pace to score 1376.94 points. That would be the worst amount of total points in the history of Toppa League.

11. BigBrendoBrand (68.33% chance of making playoffs)

After winning 4 in a row, Brendo has now lost 4 in a row, scoring an average of 107 points per week. He scored the lowest total of the year this week with 74.65 points. He didn’t have a single player score 15 points or more, and only had two players, DeAndre Hopkins (14.60) and Travis Kelce (13.30), score in double digits. His quarterback, Jameis Winston, gave the least inspiring pregame speech of all time, then got hurt.

If the playoffs started today, he’d be in as the 8th seed, but he’s gotta break this losing streak if he wants to stay in the playoff hunt.

10. Patsfaninthecloset (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

It’s sad that both Micho and JeffWho’s teams are so bad that this year’s Sensual Bowl didn’t produce any banter on the group chat. I can’t get a Snapchat with some doodled dicks?

It was a really close matchup too. Primed for shit talk. It was neck and neck through the late Sunday games. Then, thanks to 20 points from Jared Cook, JeffWho pulled away. Micho was able to get 27 points from Ameer Abdullah and the Green Bay defense to win by 1.30 points.

9. Dessert First (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has a 1 in 3 chance of making the playoffs. Which means he’ll probably definitely make the playoffs.

Woody and I had a crazy matchup this week. Look at Yahoo’s game flow graph:

At the end of the late Sunday games, I was up by 3 points. After the Sunday Night game, Woody was up by 7.20 points. On Monday night, I was able to get 15 points from the Detroit defense and pull out the win.

8. CheesyGorditaCrunch (71.47% chance of making playoffs)

JBiggs had won his last two in a row and was averaging 163 points per week, but this week he only managed 100 points against PWood. JBiggs is now 4-5, but is 4th in scoring. He’s got an over 70% chance at making the playoffs, but it’s going to be a tough road. He’s matched up against four top-6 teams, who have a combined record of 24-12.

7. FuseLitHugeDick (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

For three weeks, Timmy’s dick fuse was lit, winning three in a row. This week, the fuse went limp, as Timmy experienced the other side of #MainiMagic. Timmy managed only 103 points this week. Timmy bet on the always scary (not in a good way) Eli Manning and only got 18 points out of him. He also got a goose egg from Zach Ertz after he was scratched before kickoff. Timmy also had 6 players with 5 points or less. He’s got a good chance of making the playoffs, but has to play Vegas, and the two DeSantisesesseses in the next 3 weeks. However, he does have a safety net. If he somehow hasn’t made the playoffs in the final week of the season, he gets to play JeffWho’s terrible team.

6. Halftime in Cinci (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

There it is! After averaging 141 points per week in his last 4 matchups and still losing all four, PWOOD finally pulled out the victory. T.Y. Hilton and Jacoby Brissett combined for 74 points, which would be more than enough for PWOOD to get his 2nd win of the year. His playoff chances are slim. Not only would he have to win the rest of his games, but a bunch of other stuff would also probably need to happen, like every other team in the league losing every single week.

5. PowerFranks Gore (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

I have two playoff “computers” that I use. Well, that I used to use. One is a spreadsheet that I downloaded and enter all the data into manually. The other is a web app, that actually just imports all our shit straight from the interwebs. However, I’ve stopped using the spreadsheet because it doesn’t make sense. Most of the odds made sense. Vegas, Buckets and Maini were pretty much locks to make the playoffs. JeffWho and Micho had like 2.1% chances of getting in. But for some reason, it kept saying I had a super low chance of getting into the playoffs. Like 8%. Even after beating Woody this week, it still only had me at 23% chance of making it into the playoffs. So I either had a 90% chance or a 20% chance. So I’m not using the spreadsheet this year. And I probably will somehow miss the playoffs.

4. Spoiler Alert (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- Dessert First LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS

Vegas gets into the Playoffs with a win over Timmy and either a Woody or Brendo loss. The odds are pretty good for him; Timmy’s coming off a loss to #Nick where he only scored 103 points and Woody and Brendo are riding 3 and 4 game losing streaks respectively.

3. Tiger’s Wood (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Tiger’s Wood CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci-AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS

JD has now had the highest margin of victory in two straight weeks, winning by a combined total of 165 points. Two blowouts in two weeks. We should start calling him The Blower.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (99% chance of making playoffs)

#Brady40MainiHorny CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over CheesyGorditaCrunch; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ;

We’re into “win and you’re in territory.” #MainiMagic won’t be stopped. He somehow pulled out a victory over Timmy with just 118 points. He can earn a playoff berth with a win over JBiggs this weekend.

1. Finding Foerster (99% chance of making playoffs)

Finding Foerster CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ;

5 in a row now! And Buckets has the lowest point total in the league if you don’t count Micho and JeffWho. His average margin of victory is 13 points, and that drops down to 6 if you don’t count the 40 point blowout of JeffWho.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

7-2 Finding Foerster takes on 3-6 Dessert First. If Buckets wins he clinches a playoff spot, and also helps #Nick, JD and Vegas get closer to clinching a spot as well. The other matchup that helps those guys get in, besides their own matchups, is BigBrendoBrand vs. Beat Micho-gan. If Brendo can take care of business, he keeps his own playoff hopes alive, but also helps Vegas, JD and #Nick, as well. He probably would all but seal JeffWho’s fate too.

Set your lineups. There’s only 4 teams on bye this weekend, thankfully. Oakland, Baltimore, Kansas City and Philadelphia are all off. Seattle takes on Arizona (+6) tonight. It’s a ColorRush dream with Seattle wearing their Ecto Cooler green uniforms and Arizona playing in all black.

Have a good weekend!


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 7

Me and the old lady took a trip to IKEA this past weekend. Going to IKEA is a scary proposition because it’s a labyrinth designed to keep you inside and give you Stokholm syndrome (pun intended) into wanting all the shit they sell. Oooh look this lamp is only $3.50! I feel like we could use a lamp shaped like a frog. There’s even a goddamn restaurant in the middle of it. They’re probably just trying to calm down hangry wives murdering their husbands who are crippled with indecision. I’ve been on trips to IKEA where three hours in, I lost the will to live, and wanted to just leave. Do you know how hard it is to just put it all back in IKEA? It’s a maze within a maze. Thankfully, Boom Boom and I got in and out of there in an hour and a half, got what we needed, got some extra stuff (but not too much!), all the pieces were included and there were no fights. Flawless Victory.

Everyone hates putting together IKEA furniture, but I love it. I mean, sure, Joseph Allen, inventor of the Allen wrench can get fucked. Hey, what if I combine two perfectly good tools, a screwdriver and a wrench, except make it half the size, give it no leverage, and have it fall of the screw every two and a half turns? Sounds like an amazing tool. The Swedes will eat that shit up.

I should really thank my parents for letting me play with and continuing to buy Legos. Thanks to Lego, I totally know how to read a set of instructions with no words or any real direction, just subtle change between images and an arrow or two. Seriously, buy your kids legos.

After we had our IKEA dresser all put together, I was reminded about the first time I realized I was a real adult. I knew I became an adult when the things I got as presents, or things I bought myself stopped being things I played with and became things I used. I think the exact moment was when I bought myself a really nice garbage can for my apartment. It was stainless steel and had two compartments, one for trash, one for recycling, and the lid closed all slow and fancylike. No more slamming the lid shut. This trashcan was unslammable. I spent like $150 on a trash can! And fucking loved it! But when you make a purchase like a garbage can or a dresser from IKEA, the childlike excitement of “I can’t wait to play with this thing for hours!!!!!” is gone. I got one of those awesome Nest fire alarms. It sent Boom Boom a text when I burnt the chicken. A text mid-smoke! That’s amazing. That’s some SkyNet shit right there. But there’s no playtime after you plug in a fire alarm. That’s how you know you’re an adult. Now you buy a thing, set it up, and go on with your life, happy it’s 0.3% better.

Dog Shit of the Week

Julio Jones. Mr. 99! So the week I had one of the best receivers in the game going against the sieve that is the Patriots defense, they actually decide to play well. At least he scored a touchdown this week, which was his first of the season by the way. 1 yard!! I just needed one more yard to reach the receiving bonus. Those 6 points would’ve made it so I would’ve… lost by 26 instead of 33. Right. Moving on.

This week’s level: Did they teach bullshit in elementary school?

It was a pretty quiet week for the Ginger Hammer. There wasn’t really any new bad news to report. I did some Googling to see what Roger was up to this week and nothing exciting came up. However, if you search “Roger Goodell quotes” the number one hit is: “I spent a lot of time in the school psychologist’s office. I didn’t apply myself. My mother thought I had learning disabilities.” OOOOoooooohhhhhhhh. Now this all making sense. We hired the special kid in class to run the goddamn NFL! Well done! The guy who you don’t trust to cut your meat at the deli is making decisions about people’s future mental health. Good stuff.

Week 7 #PowerRankings

Well, it’s Halloween this weekend and that means it’s time to bring back one of my favorite gimmicks. Let’s review this year’s sexiest costumes and power rank them accordingly.

Tie 12. Beat Micho-gan

Adult Baby Inflatable Costume. This is what nightmares are made of.

With this week’s stinker, JeffWho has now scored 2 of the 3 lowest scores in the league (don’t worry Woody, you’re still number one). JeffWho is averaging 105 points per week, which is almost 25 points below the league average.

Tie 12. Patsfaninthecloset

Women’s Jellyfish Costume. AAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDD that looks like a dick.

I started off this post with Micho in last, but then started writing JeffWho’s section and realized how much his team sucks, so I switched them. Then I looked at Micho’s team for a second time, and thought, “Man, but Micho’s team is really, really shitty too.” So, congrats! You both get to be in last. You both suck. A lot. You literally both suck so much, that I could pick who sucked more. 6 losses in a row vs. lowest point total. Who cares? You both stink.

At least you guys are happily in love.

10. Halftime in Cinci

Adult Fabric Sexy Doll Mask. Holy shit! This is wrong. This is coming from a guy who thinks blowup dolls are funny. But in the ironic way, you know? Like, “why would anyone have sex with a blow up doll?” It doesn’t even feel that good. I mean, I BET it doesn’t even feel that good. Blow up dolls are silly and stupid. Let’s bring it out to breakfast with us when we’re hungover and order it pancakes. That’s funny and dumb. This costume is… rapey.

PWood’s team is basically this year’s 49ers. He’s in every game, but then ends up losing. He’s averaging 126 points per matchup, which is barely below the league average of 130. He’s not bad, he’s just unlucky. Like really, really, super, very unlucky.

Also this week in RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: (sorry I forgot last week) So you have to dress your kid up for Halloween. Here are some ideas:

  1. Monkey. Dressing your kid up like an animal is fucking cute. In fact, it doesn’t even matter what kind of animal. Puppy. Cow. Whatever. It’s all fucking cute. I’d dress my kid up like an animal all the time. There doesn’t even need to be a reason. Is it a special occasion? Nope, just my kid looks super fucking adorable dressed as a lion. 
  2. Burrito. Hilarious! Also, cute. PLUS! Your kid is swaddled all night and they love that. I have no idea what swaddling is, but I hear babies love it. 
  3. Pumpkin. It’s been done before, but it’s always cute. It’s a classic for a reason.

9. Dessert First

Fireball Tank Dress. Just like shots of Fireball, this costume seems like a good idea at the time. Yeah baby, you give me heartburn like no one else and you make my shits smell weird the next day. This is also top contender for worst (or best!) walk of shame costume.

I can’t figure Woody’s team out. In his victories, he’s averaging 170 points. When he loses, he’s averaging 103. I feel like I’ve either ranked him in the top 3 or the bottom 3 each week and not in between.

8. BigBrendoBrand

Women’s Upside Down Honey Costume. You know, nothing gets me going like dressing up like a 12-year-old girl. The sexiest thing about this costume is the waffles.

Have the wheels fallen off for Brendo? After winning 4 in a row and scoring more than 160 points in back-to-back weeks, Brendo has now lost his last two and scored less than 102 points in both matchups. He didn’t have a single player besides his quarterback score in double digits this week.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Adult Miss Freddy Frueger. It’s a valiant effort, but there is no way to make Freddie Krueger sexy. If something scared me from like 3rd grade through, like, way older than care to admit, I’m not gonna all of a sudden be like “Hey lady. You look purdy.” I’m more likely to be like, what the fuck is wrong with this girl’s brain to think that is in any way sexy. Also, am I supposed to be excited by a potential hand job with a knife-glove? Cuz call me crazy, but I’m not.

Eric Decker scored zero points for JBiggs this week. Every other one of his players scored over 6 points. Le’Veon Bell, Drew Brees and Amari Cooper all hit the bonus as Bell ran for 134 yards, Brees threw for 331 with a passing and rushing TD, and Cooper had over 200 yards(!!) receiving. Those three players combined for 103.65 points. Which, by the way, was enough to beat Micho’s crappy 83 points.

6. FuseLitHugeDick

Women’s Sassy Shark. Does a shark need to be sassy? It’s a fucking shark. Like, if you go up to a shark and were like, “Hey, Mr. Shark,” It would bite your fucking arm off. Pretty sure that’s plenty sassy.

After not being able to put up 100 points in Week 5, Timmy’s averaged 139 points and won in back-to-back weeks. He heads to Cinci this week to take on PWood. If he beats PWood this week, which (sorry) everybody seems to do, than he’ll go to 5-3 and be in the top half of the standings.

5. Tiger’s Wood


Desirable Me Character Costume. This may be the winner of this year’s “trying way too hard to be sexy, and not even remotely trying to be the thing you are saying you are” award. You can’t just say you’re a Minion by wearing goggles and half of a yellow shirt.

The difference was basically Russell Wilson, as he scored 42.70 points and helped JD beat Woody by 50 points. JD had been riding the win-loss roller coaster this season, following every win with a loss, but every loss with a win.

4. PowerFranks Gore

Adult Sexy Stormtrooper Costume. I’m just going to keep putting this one on the list every year until Boom Boom gets the hint.

I got stomped this week. I put up the third most points of the week and still lost by 30. Yahoo gave me a weekly grade of “A” and I still didn’t even come close to winning. I had a 3% chance of winning going INTO the early Sunday games. It also gets better, because in this week’s edition of “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?” I have SEVEN players on bye this week. That’s almost half my team. I’m starting guys I don’t even know the name of. 4-4 here we come.

3. Finding Foerster

Women’s Frisky Frog Costume. We’ve entered my favorite territory: Comfy AF costumes.

Since renaming his team, Buckets’s team is 3-0. Sometimes you just need to get rid of the locker room cancer. And that cancer was Satin & Lace Eddie. It’d make sense naming your team after a guy who can’t seem to stop being fat even though he’s paid lots and lots of money to not be, would give you some bad karma for the year.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Adult Debbie Bodysuit. Now we’re talking. Go ahead and feel free to throw me around the bed first. I’ll just lie here and you can moonsault off the dresser.

It’s now 5 in a row for #Nick. Dak Prescott scored 41.30 points and LeSean McCoy (which is a fun name to type) added another 21.20 as #Nick’s team put up 167 points and routed PWood by 40.

1. Spoiler Alert

5th Element Leeloo Thermal Bandages Costume. Yup. This’ll do. 14-year-old Rhys was all about 5th Element Milla Jovovich. Especially since we didn’t have the internet back then. You can use my Multipass.

He stumbled a bit there, but Vegas is back in the top spot, after putting up almost 200 points. Vegas put up 80 points on Thursday alone. Our matchup was over before it even began. Vegas is now averaging 156 points per week, which is a good 25 points higher than the league average.

Bonus: Stupid Sexy Flanders

Goddammit! This makes me angry how good of an idea this is. Some people are just too good at Halloween.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

#2 Spoiler Alert flies to Atlanta to take on the first place #Brady40MainiHorny. HewittSportsbook.lv has Vegas as a 13 point favorite right now. But, will #MainiMagic continue for the 6th week in a row?

Be sure to set your lineups. Arizona, Green Bay, Jacksonville, Los Angeles Rams, New York Giants, and Tennessee are all on bye. Miami (+3) is at Baltimore tonight. Wake up early on Sunday, we’ve got more bad football in England. Minnesota (-9.5) takes on Cleveland and God save the Queen.

Enjoy the weekend.


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 6

It’s finally (FINALLY!) starting to feel like fall. You can really feel that crispness in the air, and that means it’s vest weather. I love vest weather. It’s the best. I present to you now, an ode to my vest:

Oh vest, my vest
How you are the best

You keep me warm when it is cool,
but not, like, freezing
And the way you embrace me
is really, quite pleasing

You keep my core warm,
no need to worry about my arms
Keeping my core warm,
that’s one of your many charms

You’re not one of those dorky, fleece vests
worn by a guy who sells real estate
You know the type. He wears khakis and a polo,
and his name is probably Brad or Nate

The time we share is special,
it’s only October and November
But when I walk down the street,
it’s you and me the ladies remember

You get me excited for fall,
like dark beer, football and flannel
You are the clothing version
of the NFL RedZone channel

Dog Shit of the Week

The injury bug. You know what’s fun? Watching Odell Beckham, Aaron Rodgers, Julian Edelman, David Johnson and JJ Watt play football. If you were to draft the ten guys to put on a cereal box, these 5 guys would on that list. This sucks. This season makes no sense.

This week’s level: Sweetheart, I’m just going to hide behind you while they’re throwing all this bullshit at me.

Now, The Lox taught me that I should want a Ride or Die Bitch, so I can appreciate a man’s wife going to bat for him. But, I get the sense that Roger comes home from a hard day’s work of denying concussions, complicating the rules, kowtowing to the owners, and spilling coffee on his shirt (I just picture him being bad at everything he does) and sits down at the dinner table, and his wife goes, “Honey, how was your day?” and he responds, “Well people were really mean to me on Twitter today. I just don’t get it. I try so hard to squeeze every single penny out of this sport without once thinking of the players and fans, I don’t understand why people are so grumpy.” And his wife fires up the Twitter machine, creates a few burner accounts and defends her man. I mean, she does work for Fox News, so she has a lot of practice defending a bumbling, in over his head, lying, liar who lies. It must’ve been her gut reaction.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

I can’t do 12 quick hits this week. I just have one. I got to go to the Pats-Jets game this weekend at the Meadowlands. And the whole experience was so Jetsy. First, getting there seemed so easy. We could ride the train door to door, so we didn’t need to worry about traffic or parking, or anything like that. In fact, I grabbed myself a Dunkin cup and threw some beer in there for the ride. (Sidebar: It was fun that every time I took a sip, my dumb brain expected coffee. And then I’d get this nice surprise that it was actually beer. Like my brain was like “here comes more mediocre coffee” and then my mouth goes “mmmm, that’s cold and delicious. Hang on, that’s drunk juice!” And I never figured it out.) But it turns out there’s no easy way to get there. The train ride there was an hour and forty-five minutes, when it was supposed to be an hour. And the train ride home took 3! Well, an hour of that was waiting in “line” for the train. But since it was about five thousand people waiting in line, coming from different directions, with no clear ways to corral the crowds into real lines, it felt more like this, than waiting for the train home.

More Jetsy things:

  • The “Ring of Honor” had 6 people on it, 4 of which I’d never heard of.
  • The stadium was 50/50 Jets to Pats fans.
  • The most popular Jets jersey in the stadium was Joe Namath. That guy played 40 years ago! And the Super Bowl he won was almost 50!! Also, not that good. The guy was 62-63, with 173 TDs and 220 interceptions.
  • They did a big intro thing, with the loud music, smoke, green flames and these inflatable Jets making the tunnel. On the big screen, they then showed these two guys opened the doors to let the team run onto the field… and there were no Jets. The Jets can’t even run onto the field right.
  • This was an item they gave to all the fans:

  • In case you can’t make it out, It’s a 24-inch strip of foam, that says “Jet Up.” There is no special shape, it’s just a straight, square piece of foam. They took a ton of 50-foot strips of foam, printed the world’s worst slogan on it, cut it into 2-foot pieces, gave it away for free, and the fans LOVED it.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho put up the second lowest score of the year, scoring 78.40*. JeffWho didn’t have a single player, besides his QB, score in double digits. His second highest scoring player was LB Wesley Woodyard (great name!) with 9.00. Maybe if you stopped worrying about your stupid, dumb Yankees who are stupid and dumb, you might actually win a few games. Also, what happened to your avatar? Come on JeffWho!!

*I woke up this morning and this had been stat corrected. Don’t worry, his score still sucks.

11. Halftime in Cinci

In the ongoing saga of PWood’s fantasy season, this week he lost by 2.30, which was the second-smallest margin of the year. The first-smallest (most-smallest? Very-smallest? Smallest-smallest?) margin of the year was 1.45, when I barely beat… PWood. So, in case you’re keeping score at home, and/or want to be mean to PWood and bring this stuff up regularly, he has been a part of the two closest matchups of the season, and lost them both. He has also been blown out by the most points, when he lost by 92 points, to his brother of all people. He’s had the most points scored against him than any other team in the league. And last week, he had the second highest point total of the week, but lost because Brendo had the highest. But you have a beautiful baby girl. So, that’s a thing that’s good. Right?

10. Patsfaninthecloset

Five losses in a row.

9. Tiger’s Wood

JD’s team only managed 108 points this week. Melvin Gordon (27 points) played well for him, and that’s basically it. Every other one of his players underperformed their projected scores. His three wide receivers combined for 8.80 total points.

8. BigBrendoBrand

How the great ones fall. BigBrendoBrand has gone belly up, as Brendo’s team couldn’t manage to score a hundred points. 75% of his team scored in single digits, including Jameis Winston, who ended up getting hurt.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Tough break for JBiggs. Going into Monday night he had a 15-point lead and Woody had only one player left to play. He ended up losing by 14 (more on this in a second). This was after putting up the third highest total of the week and having seven players score 9 or more points. This loss, combined with JD’s loss, also breaks up the weekly DeSwitchtis, which I guess I’m fine with, because I couldn’t really figure out a clever enough name for it.

6. Finding Foerster

Buckets has now one two in a row. That’s the power of the name change, baby! Buckets pulled out a 2-point victory over JD, thanks to 22 points from Matt Stafford and 20 from Jay Ajayi.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

It looks like Timmy lit that fuse and stuck it right into his huge dick, because his team was up and ready to go. After not even being able to score 100 points last week, Timmy’s team put up the 5th highest score of the week and brought his team back to .500. And he did it all without A.A.Ron!

What he’s going to do for the rest of the season, that’s the question. Good god! That’s Phil Rivers’ music!

4. Dessert First

If Woody’s Week 3 blowout of his brother was POWER, I don’t know what this week was. Down by 12 points, things didn’t look good for Woody. In fact, he was given a 0% chance to win:

He only had Derrick Henry left playing. The Titans were up by 6 and running out the clock. In the final minute of the game, Derrick Henry rushes for a 73-yard touchdown. The play puts him over 100 yards for the night. The result of that one play is 23.30 points. Not only did this play crush JBiggs’s dreams, it crushed mine as well, since Woody ended up getting half a point more than me, for the highest score payout.

3. PowerFranks Gore

And just like that I’m back, baby! I had 5 players (Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, Todd Gurley, Carlos Hyde and the LA defense) score 19 points or more. You could take those players and leave out the Rams, and I still woulda beat JeffWho. But we’re gonna go ahead and count all the players on my team, which results in an 89-point blowout.

2. Spoiler Alert

Also back? Vegas. After losing two in a row, he’s now won 2 in a row. This week, he’s on track to be the first team to break 1000 points this season. Antonio Brown scored 30.50 points and Gronk added another 20.30, as Vegas squeaked out a 2 point victory over PWood.

1. #Brady40MainiHorny

You don’t have to like the method, but it get results. In a season when the Rams, Vikings, Eagles, Panthers and Chiefs are the best teams in the league, it would make sense that the team in first place in our league would have the 5th lowest point total. #Nick pulled out a win over Brendo this week by scoring a whopping 111 points.

Be sure to set your lineups. The Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders are at home against the Chefs (-3). For Color Rush™, Oakland will be wearing all white and not all black, because we can’t have nice things, and Kansas City will be in all red again. There’s football in London this week! But sadly the game kicks off at 1pm our time, so no football with your pancakes. The game (Rams-Cardinals) is being played at Twickenham (which is the national rugby stadium) this time, instead of Wembley, because Tottenham play Liverpool at Wembley at 11am on Sunday. That has the potential to be a good game with lots of goals. Both teams score a lot and Liverpool’s defense is porous.

Enjoy the weekend!


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 5

Dog Shit of the Week

Bruce Arena. I assume that after waking up yesterday, turning on the 7am SportsCenter and seeing Tayler Twellman apoplectic, Woody sent me this:

I got you buddy. Here’s a bedtime story you can tell Mary:

There once was a king of a far away land known as Soccertowne, King Bruce. Now this king was not very smart and often ruled his subjects in ways that didn’t make sense. Soccertowne was under attack from many dragons, and it was up to King Bruce to protect Soccertowne. Soccertowne had been almost destroyed from attacks of other dragons, many dragons that the King Bruce and his knights should have beaten in battle.

But things were starting to turn around in Soccertowne. When it looked like Soccertowne would be lost, the king’s best knight, Sir Pulisic of Dortmund, a young talented knight, the best knight Soccertowne had ever seen, killed an attacking dragon. Now the king and his knights could protect Soccertowne once and for all by travelling to the barren lair of a very weak, wimpy dragon. But King Bruce’s plan of attack was all wrong. Instead of having Sir Pulisic on the front lines, attacking the dragon, like he did in the previous battle, King Bruce put him around the sides of the dragon’s lair, and he could not attack the dragon as often as he should have. King Bruce also put his favorite knight, Sir Bradley, son of Bob, in charge of the catapult. Long ago, in a time when Soccertowne was not the most powerful kingdom in the land, Sir Bradley was a good knight. But Sir Bradley had gotten old, and his aim is not as good as it used to be, and all his catapult missiles were nowhere near the wimpy dragon. The wimpy dragon saw that King Bruce’s plan was all wrong and went on the attack towards Soccertowne. King Bruce’s defense was flawed. The castle walls were poorly constructed and full of holes. The guards always looked in the wrong direction.

The last line of defense for Soccertowne was the old wizard Tim. The old wizard had pulled off some amazing displays of magic to protect Soccertowne in the past, but Tim was not as quick as he once was. He could not grab his wizard staff fast enough to save Soccertowne. The weak dragon attacked, and suddenly Soccertowne was in flames. How could this happen? Sir Pulisic struck the dragon with a mighty blow, but it was not enough. And suddenly, two more dragons attacked Soccertowne. A Blue Dragon of Hondur and a Panamanian Red Dragon both swept in and attacked Soccertowne. King Bruce’s knights shouldn’t have had to worry about these two dragons since they had done battle with them before, but since they retreated from that battle, those dragons were still somehow alive. Somehow the Red Dragon blew a fireball that didn’t actually hit any Soccertowne houses, but still they caught on fire. Soccertowne was fully engulfed in flames. There was no way to put the fire out.

Now the kingdom of Soccertowne is no more. They had no chance of becoming one of the great kingdoms in the World of Cup. King Bruce stands in his kingdom of ash “claiming nothing had to change.”

“But doesn’t it?” the townspeople asked. “Shouldn’t a king tasked with vanquishing dragons, defeat more than 3 dragons, when going to battle 10 times?” It’s time for a new king; one the townspeople deserve. A king who knows the value of Sir Pulisic of Dortmund and puts him in the center of the battlefield. A king who knows better ways to raise the townspeople to be better knights. A king who no longer depends on old knights who do battle in the League of Major, but those who are young and strong enough to do battle in Germania and Albion. Soccertowne needs a new king.

There is no happy ending to this fairy tale.

And now the adult version:

Fuck this fucking fuck with a thousand fuck poles. ARENA OUT* Are you fucking kidding me?!!??! (I have now reached the “anger” level of my grief) How do you lose to Trinidad & Tobago?!? A country has the GDP of Vermont and the population of New Hampshire?! This shit face had one thing to do, and that was to: Not. Lose. But he did. He managed to lose to the worst team in our really terrible qualifying group.

*For my less-soccer savvy readers, this is a very british way of calling for a soccer manager to be fired (or sacked, as they say). Arsenal fans have been chanting “Wenger out!” weekly, for almost 5 years.

On Friday, with our backs up against the wall, the United States HAD to win to stay alive in World Cup qualifying. What happened? Arena played our best player, Pulisic (this isn’t even blowing smoke, he is the best player on the field in 90% of CONCACAF games), in the center of the field, where he dictated the game, got a ton of touches, controlled the tempo of the game (read: pushed the ball up field and attacked), showed great chemistry with the two forwards, ended up scoring a brilliant goal, making a hell of an assist on another one, and the USA won 4-0.

So now, we go to fucking Trinidad, or Tobago, or maybe both, but instead of playing the exact same lineup that won 4-0 and showed great chemistry, Bruce Arena decided to stinker-tinker with the lineup. And he may as well have taken that shit on the field. He played Pulisic on the right wing. Playing your best player on the wing does two things to your team, both of which are bad. One, when your best player is resigned to ⅓ of the field, instead of playing in the center of it, he has less chances to touch the ball and then create opportunities with it. Two, if said best player is standing out on the wing, he’s much easier to play defense against, rather than if he’s in the middle of the field, switching places with other fielders, and generally getting into trouble. When he’s in the center of the field, it also draws attention away from other players, who can get open for good chances. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW!!! Goddammit!!!! This isn’t even specific to soccer! This is like sticking Lebron or Russell in the corner to shoot threes. Hmmmm get my best player the ball as much as possible??!? No, that sounds like a silly idea. FUCK YOU!

Also, the rest CONCACAF has figured out a way to play Pulisic and that’s to beat the shit out of him. I blame Arena for this too. He should be BERATING the refs from start to finish about this. As should “Oh captain, my motherfucking poor excuse for a captain,” Michael Bradley. Also our huge defensemen, like Omar Gonzalez and Geoff Cameron should get up in the faces of the guys who hit him that hard. It’s painfully obvious how deliberate the other team is being in kicking the shit out of our best player. Grow a pair! Back the kid up!

There’s a part of me that’s like, “Well maybe this is the wake up call the US needs for soccer.” Burn it all to the ground. Start over with a new plan. Get rid of Arena. Get rid of Sunil Gulati (the president of US Soccer). This is on him too. We should all remember that the issue went back to Jurgen Klinsmann, who couldn’t find a lineup he liked in 5 years. Gulati then replaced him with Bruce Arena, a guy who wasn’t great at his job THE FIRST TIME (back in the late 90s & early 2000s). And we all went, “Oh, I don’t really like this idea. He’s clearly not the coach of the future, but he’ll right the ship, get us into the World Cup. Then who knows? Maybe we’ll get into the quarterfinals, which we’ll count as a win. Then afterwards, we’ll replace him with the true savior of US Soccer.” What kind of fucked up plan is that?! This was the coaching version of a rebound. Except the sex wasn’t even good. We just watched Netflix and literally chilled. But it wasn’t even good Netflix, we watched all 8 seasons of Bones.

But the other part of me… Oh, the other part of me gets dark. As you now know, the US is not in the World Cup this summer. The World Cup is the perfect storm for US Soccer. It’s in the middle of summer, during the day, so it’s not competing against other sports, and the sport is easy enough to understand that anyone can jump in every 4 years, follow along and chant “USA! USA!” It’s an actual excuse to cut out of work and go day drink in the middle of June. Now, that’s no longer a thing. Sure, people will watch. I’ll watch it all. But I love soccer. However, I’m gonna have a much harder time pulling Woody to the bar to watch a game if the US isn’t playing, even if it’s a team like Brazil.

Even worse, there is a whole generation of 6-10 year olds that would’ve watched and rooted for Christian Pulisic go up against the best in the world. They would’ve wanted to be like him. They would’ve started juggling in the backyard and kicking a ball against the house. The soccer fans (and more importantly, players) of my generation remember the ‘94 USA team. We went to the quarterfinals when we had no business being there. We all remember Alexi Lalas, Ernie Stewart, Joe-Max Moore, Cobi Jones, Marcelo Balboa, Eric Wynalda and Toni Meola’s mullet beating Columbia in the Rose Bowl. What will this generation remember? What will be their denim colored, stars and stripes jersey?

So blow it all up. Fire Arena. Fire Gulati. Fuck it, make Clint Dempsey the coach. Say “thanks, but see ya later” to Michael Bradley and Tim Howard and Jozy Altidore and 100-year-old DeMarcus Beasley and Wondo and Zusi. Build the team around Pulisic. And fuck the goddamn MLS.

This week’s level: I can’t hear the conversation because of all this bullshit in my ears.

A memorandum from the desk for Roger Goodell:

So let me get this straight. A protest, which by its very definition is to speak out against something, and therefore begin a dialogue, is a “barrier to having conversations”? Is it? How so? How is players kneeling and/or holding their fists up (which is weird it’s getting lumped in with the kneeling thing) acting as a “barrier” for the owners and commissioner to have a discussion on police brutality in America? There’s a lot of words in the letter above, so I’ll give you the abridged version: “Players kneeling during the anthem is giving us a lot of bad press that we don’t want. Many players want to have a conversation about how they feel, but that conversation is really hard, so let’s just make this all go away, instead.”

I think we need one of those bullshit CNN townhalls for this. Let’s put Richard Sherman, Michael and Martellus Bennet up on a stage with Double J and have them answer a couple debate questions. I bet the players would stop kneeling for a chance at that shit. Let’s put Marshawn Lynch up there too, just to liven things up a bit.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

It was a low scoring week. This week’s average score was less than 130 points. Only two teams managed to score 150 points this week, and they ended up playing each other. We’ve also got a bit more consistency this week in the top, and bottom, of the league with the best and worst teams standing pat.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Did you enjoy apple picking this weekend? Or did you go to a pumpkin patch with your kids instead? Maybe you went on a hike. Or perhaps you went to Cardi’s to get a new dresser or bed frame that you’ve needed for a while. I tell you what, you’ll be glad you did, because the football was pretty bad this weekend. God Bless Chris Hanson for giving me the hard sell. He told me we had “2 games that weren’t close, but every other game is a one possession game.” Meanwhile looking at the screen showed me two games where there wasn’t a single touchdown scored and three others that were tied at 10. Hooo-eee. That’s some good football!!

Micho had 6 players score 5 or less points this week. Micho’s team has dropped 4 in a row and is averaging 108 points per week. He’s also got like 7 guys in his starting lineup that if I saw a picture of them, I’d have no idea who they were.

11. Beat Micho-gan

I was at a bar watching football a week or two ago, and one of the guys I was with sees the commercial for the new Jackie Chan movie, and turns to me and goes “Jackie Chan has a new movie?!” We then proceeded to have a 30 minute conversation about how awesome Jackie Chan is. I didn’t used to think he was that awesome because I only knew him as Rush Hour Jackie Chan, where he was goofy and I did not understand the words coming out of his mouth. But since then, I’ve seen more of his movies, and I’ll tell you what, Jackie Chan kicks fucking ass. Watch Supercop, The Legend of Drunken Master and Rumble in the Bronx. He whips so many dudes asses in the most creative ways. Also he gets hurt like so many times doing those stunts and keeps doing them, it’s awesome. I love that dude. Now he gets his own version of Taken. And it’s 78% on Rotten Tomatoes. Sign me up.

Beat Micho-gan, is starting to look more like Be Micho Again. That pun needs work. Oh well, JeffWho’s team is not very good. He and Micho have the two lowest point totals in the league and are the only two teams yet to score 600 points. And just in case you wanted more examples of their crappiness they have the 2nd and 4th lowest Points Against totals, meaning their losses aren’t just bad luck, they’re just plain bad.

10. FuseLitHugeDick

You may have noticed that I make a pick each week for the Thursday games, as well as the London games if they’re happening. Last year, I went 10-6-1. If I actually gambled, I’d have made a nice little pile of money. This year, if you’ve been paying attention to my picks, you’d be making a lot more money… by betting the exact opposite of what I pick. I am currently 2-5-0. Maybe Boom Boom was right to get mad for listening to me.

FuseLitLimpDick more like it! Timmy failed to score a hundred points this week as he lost to Woody 126.35 – 98.35. Ten of Timmy’s starting twelve players failed to score double digits this week. Four of them scored under 4.

9. CheesyGorditaCruch

Thursday Night Football is fucking with my eyes, and I’m not talking about ColorRush. The down and distance is on the left side of the score bar at the bottom of the screen. Fox, CBS, NBC, and ESPN on the other hand, all have the down and distance on the RIGHT side of the score bar thingy. So, for 94% of all football games I watch, if I’m wondering what down it is and how far to go for a first down, I look to the bottom right side of the screen. But for Thursday Night Football, I have to look to the goddamn lower left. I can’t reteach myself how to watch football! I spent the entire 3rd quarter of the Pats-Bucs game thinking it was 3rd down. Big play here, it’s 3rd and 8:09 to go.

After scoring over 160 points last week, and thrashing me by almost 20 points. JBiggs could only manage 111 points this week. You couldn’t have laid this egg last week? JBiggs saw Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb combine for 5 catches for 37 yards (3.70 points), and had his two LBs total 5 solo and 5 assisted tackles (6 points combined).

8. Halftime in Cinci

This week in”What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: The following players were the top-6 tight ends in fantasy last week: Ed Dickson, Darren Fells, George Kittle, Cameron Brate, Zach Ertz and David Njoku. Those 6 players combined for over 100 points. 4 of those 6 guys were not on anyone’s team. At the time, Dickson was 4% owned, Fells was 0%, Kittle was 1% and Njoku was owned by 7% of all fantasy players.

Tough break for PWood. In a week where he put up the second highest total, he ran up against Brendo, who happened to put up 9 points better. PWood is now 1-4 and is by far the most unlucky team in the league. He’s had 742 points scored against him (that’s almost 150 points per week!) so far this season. That’s 30 points more than the next worst team. He’s on pace to have 1930 points scored on him this year, which would be worst in the league by more than 100 points.

7. Finding Foerster

I love me some color Rush, but maybe white isn’t the best idea:

I’m just really happy Nike put another layer of material in the butts.

Oooooohhh yeah! There’s nothing I love more than a team name change. It’s the sure fire way to put an end to a losing streak. Good quality pun too! I had to look up what it meant, but that’s because all the headlines I’d seen were more of the “Miami Offensive Coach Loves Lines” variety. Buckets won by not really getting any good performances from his team, besides 34 (!!) points from the Jacksonville defense. But hey, a win is a win.

6. Dessert First

Not to go full beer nerd on you but… this commercial drives me nuts:

First, please allow me to go quintessential Twitter:

👏🏻Rice👏🏻Is👏🏻Not👏🏻An👏🏻Essential👏🏻Ingredient👏🏻Of👏🏻Beer👏🏻

You don’t need rice to make beer. In fact, you probably shouldn’t use it, since it doesn’t add any flavor or alcohol. It’s basically a filler. This is like saying “Man, I love me some General Tso’s chicken, especially when I get to eat all that white rice afterwards.”

Secondly, you NEED yeast to make beer. Yeast actually IS essential. If you don’t have yeast, your beer has neither alcohol nor carbonation. It doesn’t get you drunk and doesn’t have all those fun bubbles for your tongue. Instead, it’s just yellow water. It’s piss. You would think that since many people make the comparison between Bud Light and piss, that they would try to highlight the one ingredient that actually differentiates them from piss.

Commish got 52 points from his defensive players this week in a 18-point beat down of Timmy. The Miami defense scored 30 points and Telvin Smith had 10 total tackles and a pick-6 to add 20 more points for Woody.

5. PowerFranks Gore

I bought 3 work shirts this week. Each one was 50% off with only $5 shipping and since I now spend like 70% of my life in a work shirt, spending 60 bucks is not that bad of a deal. But I agonized over this decision for like 3 days. I looked at all the sale’s offerings, then waited a day. Put 2 shirts in my cart, then removed one, then put 2 more in my cart. Then waited a day. Then checked my bank account. Then realized that at the end of the day, the sale would probably end, so I should take the deal and finally bought them. The following day, I went to a brewery and bought $120 worth of beer without even blinking. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. It’s all coming crumbling down. I’ve fallen from first to fifth in 2 weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but this week my team could only muster up 109 points in a 30-point loss to JD. Deshaun Watson was the highest scoring player in the league this week, scoring 53.15 points. That however, was basically half my points, as I had 8 other players score 5 or less points.

4. Spoiler Alert

Micho gets a lot of shit for constantly having his phone in his hand. Or is that just me? But Vegas has a pretty itchy trigger finger too. Not only did he ruin this year’s Toppa Invite for everyone, he drops Woj bombs before Woj:

Check the timestamps. Vegas out here texting out hot news a full 15 minutes before media arm of the Red Sox, WEEI, can push out the news.

Vegas got things back on track this week with a 13-point victory over JeffWho. His three starting wide receivers (Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill and Chris Hogan) combined for 50.90 points. Zeke Elliot tacked on 20.20 of his own.

3. Tiger’s Wood

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Since so many Toppa Leaguers now have children, I thought it might be helpful if I shared some tips to help these new parents get by. It’s said that one of the hardest parts about having a baby is the lack of sleep. Well, I don’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. You know who said that? Nas. And he’s like a millionaire. So, problem solved.

Another week, another DeSantis DeSwap. JD bounced back from last week’s 118-point performance by putting up 144. Of course, those 118 points were a severe drop off from the 184 he put up the week before. He’s inconsistent, is what I’m saying. Meanwhile his brother lost this week. This is 5 weeks now. When people talk about 2017 being crazy, this is what they’re actually talking about.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Pizza Hut’s new slogan is “Nobody out Pizza’s the Hut” which is ironic, because literally everyone out pizza’s the hut. There are many, many, many pizza places in New York that out pizza the Hut. When I buy two large pizza’s for $15 from 2 Bros Pizza at 3am, and they give me more pizza slices than dollars I spend, even they are out pizza’ing the Hut. When I make english muffin pizzas in my toaster oven, I too am, in fact, out pizza’ing the Hut.

Also, it’s probably not a good idea to have a slogan that makes me think of this every time you say it.

#MainiMagic! It’s a thing. #Nick’s now won three straight. Each week he finds a different way to win. Whether it’s Cam Newton and LeSean McCoy combining for 44.75 points in Week 1, or Sammy Watkins and Devonta Freeman combining for 57.40 in Week 2. Last week, Keenan Allen and the Denver defense combined for 42.80. This week, it didn’t matter that Sammy Watkins scored 0 points, because Dak Prescott scored 36.25.

1. BigBrendoBrand

Big Brendo Brand is getting so big, I’m starting to see merch out here in the city:

Brendo put up back-to-back highest score of the week with 175 last week and 168 this week. Brendo’s now in first place at 4-1 with the second highest point total in the league.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

4-1 BigBrendoBrand takes on 4-1 #Brady40MainiHorny. The winner goes to 5-1 and will be in first place all by themselves. Also, Commish takes on Vice-Commish in a match up of two 2-3 teams.

Philly (+3.5) takes on Carolina tonight. The Eagles will be wearing their traditional colors for their ColorRush uniforms… black. Sigh. Carolina will be in all blue. Enjoy the weekend!