Has this every happened to you?!?!
(If you’re not on that I Think You Should Leave tip, you need to get on it)
This feels like it happens all the time to me. And as my team goes further and further down the toilet, it feels like it’s happening more and more. Let me set the scene…
Sunday. Football day. Flipping back and forth between the Pats and Redzone (I’m still working on getting the 2 TV setup going). Cold beer in one hand, baby monitor in the other. Got my phone by my side on the couch. And then… Fantasy notification!
Yes!!! Someone on my team scored a touchdown! Hell yes! Let’s fucking go! I am dominating this week!
Open the notifcation and…
Oh… okay. Well, maybe they’ll score?
No. No, they won’t.
Every time. Every damn time I get this stupid “So and so is in the red zone, please watch!” notification, that dude never scores. Never. None percent of the time has one of my guys scored when I get a notification that they’re in the red zone. I hate it.
History was made this week, fellas!
12. Coffin Flops
Turd emoji is right!!
This week, I scored the least amount of points in a matchup in the history of the James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League . It was a record breaking 54.75 points. It was so bad that I just had to spend some extra time this week, digging in the Toppa Annals to see how historically bad this really was. (Annals means “history”, though judging by how badly I was buttfucked by JBiggs this week, I could’ve just as easily wrote Anals).
Like I said, this was the lowest score in Toppa History. The previous lowest score record was 58.2 points put up by Woody in 2019. The next lowest score in Toppa League history occurred last year when Austin put up 60.1 points in a 100 point loss to #nick. This means that the 3 lowest scores in Toppa History have occurred in the last 3 years. So, the trend is obviously going to continue and next year will be the new lowest score in history. Fingers crossed!
This week, not only did I basically shit my pants and walk around all day in them, then go out to dinner my in-laws in those pants, JBiggs then doused me in gasoline and threw a lit cigarette on me while walking away in badass, slow-mo, by putting up 179.35 points.
Yup. I put up an “F”, which I don’t think I’ve ever seen, never mind done before, and JBiggs hit me with an “A+”. And that’s a 124.6 point blowout! Which is…
Wait for it…
More history baby!
This was also the biggest blowout in Toppa League regular SZN history. Blowout of the Week, sponsored by me! And it would’ve been the biggest blowout in Toppa League history, but PWood put up 290 points in the 2014 Divisional Round and smoked Buckets by 129 points.
To find the previous biggest regular SZN Blowout, you’d have to go all the way back to 2011, back before I was even allowed to be in the league, when Woody blew out Johnny Balls (WHO!?!?!) by 119.85 points.
But wait! There’s more!
No one in Toppa League History has ever been #TripledUp. A number of teams have been #DoubledUp across the years, but no team has ever been #TripledUp. If you tripled my score, it’d be 164.25 points. Annnnnnd I would STILL lose to JBiggs by 15 points.
11. TB12 of Pink Football
Has lost 3 in a row and failed to score 100 points this week. But did not lose in a historic fashion.
10. Return of the Mac
With his 9th loss of the SZN, Vegas is probably officially eliminated from the Playoffs!?!?!?!!! But he did not lose in a historic fashion.
9. Tua Lipa
JeffWho lost by 0.05 points this week to #nick. That sucks! However, he did not lose by a historic amount.
8. QuOIR Boys
What a week for #nick! Eeked out a win by 0.05 points on Monday night, had a kid (Congrats!) and didn’t score a historically low amount of points.
7. RODEWAY INN
A historically bad stay at the RODEWAY INN is still better than putting up a historically bad score in Toppa League.
6. I draft drunk
A win this week put him in position for the 8th seed. It also means he didn’t lose in historic fashion.
Timmy put up 131 points in a win. He did not put up a historically low 54 points in a loss.
4. Bath Salts & Celery
Since starting the SZN with 4 straight losses, Buckets has won 7 of his last 8. He also hasn’t lost in a historic blowout.
3. Ron Swanson
“History began on July 4, 1776. Everything that happened before that was a mistake.”
2. The Hungry Heifer
PWood put up 176.25 points this week. That was 3.10 points less than JBiggs’ historic beat down of me.
1. Beer Gut Method
JBiggs #TripledUp someone for the first time ever and beat me down so badly that he made history. He’s now in sole possession of first place and is the highest scoring team in the league, averaging 155 points per week, which is 10 points per week more than the next best team.
The only thing I can take solace in is that JBiggs team is so good that he’ll probably lose in the first round of the playoffs. A number one seed has never won the Toppa Bowl.
Survivor Update: Micho and JBiggs were the only 2 remaining players heading into last week. Both got eliminated, so I guess that means they both win and split the pot!
Times Up! But not for my loss this week. That will live on in Toppa History forever.