James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.

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2017 Power Rankings – Week 2

I went to the doctor a couple months ago for the first time in a long time. It’s stupid that the most important things are pretty much the last things on the planet you want to do. “Man I really should go make sure everything in my body is working correctly and maybe just check to see if I’m not dying.” I’ll walk around with pain in my foot for 8 months chalking it up to just getting old. I could have a splitting headache for 4 days straight, but if I close my eyes the pain goes away. I guess I’ll just close my eyes for the rest of my life.

As you get older, you get more and more honest when you go to the doctor. “Do I eat healthy? Yeah, I try to. I try to have like yogurt or a smoothie for breakfast and a salad with dinner. Oh, but I do have a huge burger with french fries and wings every Sunday. Yes, I know this is not good for me. What’s that? Do I work out? Well, I ran over a bridge once last year. But then afterwards I proceeded to binge drink all day. Yes, I know this is not good for me either.”

When time came for the old “turn your head and cough,” things got a little more awkward than usual. This time the doctor found a lump on one of my balls. As you can imagine, this was concerning at the time. As the doctor was talking, my brain from 0 to 60 real quick, “It’s probably nothing” POTENTIAL BALL CANCER “but I’d like you to get that checked out” BALL CANCER “just to make sure” DEATH BY BALL CANCER.

Unfortunately, the Ball Cancer Screener wasn’t immediately available, so that gave my imagination time to go wild. My doctor appointment was at 11am and by 3:30pm that day, in my brain, I absolutely had Ball Cancer. Would I survive Ball Cancer? It’d be nice to be known for that. Up till now I’ve been know as “a really nice guy,” “writes an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” It’d be nice to be known as “guy who survived ball cancer.” But I would also probably be known as “guy with just one ball.” Hmmm, there really are two sides to every story.

And what if I died? What would happen to all my stuff? Who’d get my Super Bowl XXXVI VHS tape? Can you put a dog in a will? No, like, so that he gets all of my possessions? Who’d get this blog? This thing is worth like tens of dollars!

And how would people remember me? Probably, “a really nice guy,” “wrote an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” There’s my gravestone right there.

I finally did get a sonogram on my ball. Being in the radiology office waiting for my scan did nothing but exacerbate my fears. Ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Sign this form ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here’s my insurance card ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here is my ID, as well ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer I haven’t seen a Highlights magazine in years ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer.

When the radiologist called me in, I did manage to forget about the fear of ball cancer. That said, death by ball cancer probably would’ve been a much nicer fate. You’d think that having a female sonogram technician examining one of my balls would be great. You’d think that technician having a female intern would be even better. Why wouldn’t it be? This is how all my favorite movies start. Me naked in one of those gown-robe thingys. Two female doctors come in to “check me out”. Then they turn out the lights and everything becomes SUPER SEX! Well, just like if you tried to fuck your step-sister (another popular genre), it turns out real life is just really, really, REALLY awkward. I spent 30 very long minutes staring up at the drop ceiling trying to think about literally anything else other than how a complete stranger was smearing ultrasound gel all over my potential ball cancer. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about getting an accidental boner. I couldn’t have gotten aroused in that situation if Tom Brady was the one doing the smearing.

After I was done, I went home and took a shower. I used “washing the ultrasound gel off” as an excuse, but really I was washing away the shame. I then put on two pairs of underwear and drank 5 beers. Things were not looking up. Ball cancer was still looming, and I just went through the top 5 most awkward moments in my life.

A few days later the doctor called and told me my results. She told me I had a benign cyst on my epididymis (a tube on my ball), and that it was nothing to worry about. All I heard was, “Congratulations you don’t have Ball Cancer!” Just in time for me to eat a burger with fries and a whole bunch of wings.

Note: I felt a little weird making light of ball cancer. I got the feeling karma may be like, “You know what’s really funny about ball cancer? That now you have it!” and I’d be like “Welp, you win this round God.” So I decided to donate $35 dollars to the Movember Foundation. That $1 for each time I said “ball cancer” (or “ballcancer”) in this blog post. Also, next time you’re in the shower and thinking about Tom Brady, take a second, check your fellas real quick, make sure you don’t have ball cancer, then resume business as usual.

This week’s level: I think this bullshit sandwich is a little too expensive.

Did you guys hear about this one? Guess who my new favorite owner is? Jerry Jones! And it’s not just his penchant for hookers. Jerry is holding up contract negotiations with Roger Goodell because good ol’ Double J thinks the commissioner of the NFL is overpaid. Well, Jerry I’m here to confirm your suspicions by saying, uhhh….yeahnofuckingshit. The guy has made over $200 million in the last ten years. That’s unbelievable.

Obviously, this is going to get settled and Goodell’s gonna keep his job. And even if they somehow decide to pay him less, he’s still going to make obscene amounts of money. But it’d be really fun if this little soap opera dragged on and we got to see Bad Roger sweat a little bit. I’d enjoy hearing Al Michaels every Sunday say, “And there’s the commissioner. We’re sure he’s feeling a bit uneasy about his current contract situation.”

Dog Shit of the Week

NBC Sports Gold. NBC’s coverage of the Premier League used to be exactly what you wanted out of sports on TV. Their pre- and post-game shows were great. Rebecca Lowe, the host, was really good and the analysts provided actual, real analysis and every once and awhile they would rip into teams or players when they deserved it. They showed 3 great games back-to-back-to-back starting at 7:30am on Saturdays. If there were other games you wanted to see, you could simply watch them online on your computer or their app. Well, say goodbye to those days. Say hello to a good old fashion, shitty-ass money grab. Now, they still show the back-to-back-to-back games on Saturdays, but if you want to see one of the 4 other games shown not on NBC, you now have to pay 50 bucks to watch the games online. It’s not even a cable package! I still have to plug my computski into my TV to watch, but now I have to pay 50 bucks for the goddamn privilege.

I paid that $50 this weekend because Liverpool was playing Burnley on and it wasn’t NBC. I figured I’d spend that 50 bucks watching the game at a bar in one week, so it was “worth it.” Well, what did I get for my 50 bucks? A jumpy feed where the ball would magically teleport from one side of the field to the other, even though my internet speed was “blazing fast,” (so said my speed test). I was watching on my computer, so I also tried using their app, to see if the feed was better there, and that piece of garbage wouldn’t even let me sign in. Completely broken. So good on you NBC. Way to take a perfect experience, try to squeeze even more money out of it, and completely ruin it.

Week 2 #PowerRankings

It was a pretty lopsided week this week. The average score by the losing teams this week was 112 points, with 129 being the highest losing score. The winners this week won by an average of 37.5 points, and the closest matchup was still a 20-point victory (by me!). Right now a quarter of the league is undefeated, a quarter of the league is superfeated, and everybody else is .500.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho’s back in last and it feels so good. It’s like once the leaves start to change, the betches walk around in tights and Uggs with pumpkin spice lattes in their hands, and JeffWho’s in last in the PowerRanks, we now know it’s Fall. JeffWho’s averaging only 105 points per week. He also got blown out by 50 points this week.

11. Patsfaninthecloset

Micho failed to put up a hundred this week. He also lost to Vegas by 40 points. That means Micho owes Vegas 40 linguisa links.

10. Dessert First

10th is a big step up for Woody. Woody almost scored 50 more points than last week. Of course, he still only scored 118 points this week and is still last in the league in scoring, being the only team to not score 200 total points this year. But it’s baby steps. He better hope those baby steps become Mary-sized steps soon if he’s gonna keep his streak of making the playoffs every year alive.

9. Halftime in Cinci

The third winless team in the league is PWood. PWood scored 107 points last week, and 108 this week, so at least he’s consistent. Stop worrying about the baby and start worrying about your fantasy team. Those things practically take care of themselves. Set it and forget it.

8. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Maini had some bad luck this week. Even though he only managed to score 120 points, he would’ve won if he played 4 other teams this week. That unluck continues this week, he’s got Buckets coming in hot.

7. Tiger’s Wood

Guess who has to pick up John DeSantis from the airport this Christmas? JD gets to take that long, awkward drive home from TF Green with the black sheep, third DeSantis. John really thinks he can get that pot dispensary business off the ground. He also knows getting back together with his ex-girlfriend who stole all his money is a bad idea, but is gonna do it anyway.

6. BigBrendoBrand

After only scoring 111 points last week, Brendo appears to have righted the ship, putting up 148 this week. I’m sure it felt nice to be on the other side of a 40 point victory.

5. FuseLitBigDick

Timmy turned it around this week. He went from not even scoring 100 points last week, to the second highest point total this week and Blowout of the Week. With the exception of DeMarco Murray and Golden Tate, who combined for 6.30 points, every one of Timmy’s players scored over 8 points this week.

4. Cheesy Gordita Crunch

Who’s the big brother now? JBiggs got a huge day from CJ Anderson (34.40 points) as well as big days from J.J. Nelson and Drew Brees (combined for 65 points) to put a 40 point beatdown on his brother. This is the fantasy equivalent of JBiggs pinning his brother down with his knees, then plugging his nose and letting a loogie slowly drop out of his mouth. Remember that? Brothers aren’t human beings.

3. PowerFranks Gore

After winning, but not really deserving to last week, I actually deserved to win this week. #Nick and I had the closest matchup of the week, which was basically tied through the late Sunday games. But on Sunday night Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery combined for 40.80 points, which was enough to put me over the top for the victory.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

It looks like Buckets is back with a vengeance this year. Losing to JD is not sitting well with him. His squad is looking pretty strong so far. He’s the only team in the league to score 140+ points in each week this season. I almost put him in first this week, but Vegas’s point total from last week was high enough to carry over to this week.

1. Spoiler Alert

Not as convincing a win as last week, well not as many points, he still beat Micho by more than 40 points. It was clear once Vegas got 27.60 points from Gronk that he had a W in hand and could let the second string play out the rest of the matchup. Vegas is first player in the league to break 300 points on the season.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

Woody Bowl! 0-2 Dessert First takes on 0-2 Halftime in Cinci. Winner gets the loser’s kid and Loser gets the winner’s dog. Or maybe the other way around? I dunno.

Be sure to set your lineups and pick your survivor. The Rams play the 49ers (+2.5) in a half empty stadium. It doesn’t even matter where the game is! Teams will be ColorRushed the fuck out, which means the Rams are going to be wearing their White on White uniforms hot, All-Yellow joints that include the throwback L.A. Rams helmet, while the Niners are in all Black. I wish the Niners were in All-Red, and then we’d get all the ketchup and mustard jokes that Twitter can hold.  Best case scenario, this game is mediocre:

But wait! Put the kettle on, because we got Football in England this Sunday. Make yourself a mimosa, there’s 9am football between the Ravens (-3.5) and Jaguars (of course). Blimey!


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 1

Now that Week 1 is in the books, we now know everything we need to know about this season. Let’s review what we’ve learned. These are not overreactions by the way. These are perfectly valid, reasonable, sane reactions to the first week of football. For example:

We now know that I need to find a new hobby. The Patriots got their lunch money taken by the Chiefs. Liverpool got smoked by Manchester City, 5-0. I lost my sidepiece league matchup and even though I ended up beating PWood this week, it still feels like I lost. I picked wrong in Survivor (Houston). I better start watching Real Housewives or something because all of the teams I was planning on rooting for this fall are all already the pits.

Or! I could play DraftKings every week. The best part of DraftKings is you can draft a new team very week. If you draft the perfect team you’ll win ONE BILLION dollars. Just use promo code POWERRANKS to play for free.

We know that the Patriots will not win the Super Bowl. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent the whole spring and summer sniffing our own farts. Yes, we won the Super Bowl and it was the greatest comeback of all time. You know who knows that? Everybody! You know who gives a shit? Not a single fucking person outside of 495. Everyone already hates the Patriots and megahates Pats fans, let’s maybe not throw it in everyone’s face. Yeah, well, they hate us cause they ain’t us. No, they hate us because we’re huge fucking assholes who never stop complaining about the fact that we have the greatest coach and quarterback of all time but “get no respect.” Maybe we shouldn’t have been so happy to say, “Yup, and we’re gonna win the Super Bowl this year too.” Maybe don’t trot out the biggest Masshole on the planet to shove that comeback victory in literally everyone in the world’s face. Literally everyone! They showed that shit on the National Fucking Broadcast Corporation. It was literally everyone. Goddammit. There’s no better representation of a Pats Fan than Marky Fucking Mark. This front-running, meathead fuck leaves at halftime, then claims to be the Patriots #1 Fan.Maybe the offense shoulda spent some time practicing with the guy they spent a first round pick on instead of throwing passes to goddamn farm animals. Maybe the coach who claims to take “no days off” shoulda taken a few of those days to put together a defense capable of not giving up a 75-yard bomb every 10 minutes.

We know that Cassius Marsh is not very good at football. And that my dad and I will have at least 3 conversations on the phone about how bad he is and how many tackles he missed or coverages he blew. And that my dad will call him “Mark Cassius” when we have those conversations. We also know that Cassius Marsh will also have one great play over the course of this season, and I will be fired up about it. He will then blow a coverage in the very same game, and I will take off my shoe and throw it at the TV.

We know that this football season, in general, will not be very good. If you had the feeling that, even while watching RedZone, that the football wasn’t that exciting last week, you were right. It wasn’t! Last week, the Under went 10-3-1. Only 3 games were decided by 7 points or less. And 6 teams scored 10 or less points. Some more amazing offensive stats:

  • On Sunday, no running back rushed for multiple TDs and Matthew Stafford was the only QB to throw for more than two.
  • Meanwhile on the ground, teams only combined to score 19 rushing touchdowns. That’s on pace for 324 scores, the fewest since 1993.
  • The Cardinals and Lions together combined to rush for a putrid 2.75 Yards per Carry (45 yards on 18 carries for Arizona and 82 yards on 27 carries for Detroit).
  • This was the first time in seven years that Week 1 didn’t combine for at least 48 passing touchdowns. The total this year was 38.

We already knew that Fantasy sucks, but now we have confirmation. If you remove QBs from the top-10 scorers from this week, of the remaining 6 players, three were defenses (the Rams, Jaguars and Ravens). Would you like more reasons you felt Fantasy Frustrated™ this weekend?

  • LeVeon Bell managed 32 yards on 10 carries for a whopping 4.70 points. David Johnson gained 23 yards on 11 carries and scored 6.10 total points, and is now hurt. For those at home, the two players taken #1 and #2 overall in 100% of fantasy leagues barely managed to combine for 10 total points.
  • Devonta Freeman had 37 yards rushing. Demarco Murray had 44. Todd Gurley had 40. Isaiah Crowell had 33. Paul Perkins had 16. Eddie Lacey had 3.
  • The top-10 projected WRs, combined to average 7.82 points this week. Even removing the two guys who didn’t play (Mike Evans and Odell Beckham) they still all combined to average under 10 points, and that’s still including Antonio Bryants 25.20 points.
  • The average score this week was 121 points. The average for Week 1 last year was 145.
  • Of the top-10 projected RBs, none were projected to finish outside of the top-20 in total scoring. Instead they finished 315, 356, 1658*, 22, 71, 137, 249, 84, and 31. (*Jay Ajayi didn’t play)
  • Here’s a fun one: of the top-10 players drafted, EIGHT failed to score 10 points. Three didn’t even play.
  • Of the top 15 QB’s, only 6 started for teams this week. And of the top 5, only 2 started and 2 aren’t even owned!
  • We are living in a world where the two best fantasy quarterbacks in the league are Sam Bradford and Alex Smith. Speaking of which…

We know this year’s Super Bowl matchup will be between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings. I hope you enjoy a game filled with hard-nosed defense and 313 checkdowns. I can’t wait for Super Bowl Sunday where we get to see the interview with Sam Bradford where he talks about how tough his life is getting overpaid at 4 different teams (Yes, I’m including Oklahoma, aaayyyy). And then we get to see the “fun” little segment where he talks about his stupid, long shirt sleeves. How about the puff pieces that fail to mention when Tyreek Hill punched his pregnant girlfriend in the face and then choked her? Or maybe they’ll just describe that as “overcoming adversity.”

We know that the Indianapolis Colts are the worst team in football and will get the first pick in the draft next year. Which is hilarious, given how terrible the Jets are. The Jets, being the Jets, will somehow screw up, not go 0-16, and lose out on the first pick in the draft.

We now know the LA Rams will win the NFC West. Jared Goff made a couple nice throws on Sunday. And that Rams defense looked frisky. They get Aaron Donald back this week too, by the way. Their schedule has a bunch of winnable games (Washington, 49ers twice, Arizona twice, Giants, Jaguars, Texans, Saints, Titans and they managed to beat Seattle last year). Plus, who else is gonna win this division? Seattle’s line is so bad, Russell Wilson is going to go as the headless horseman for Halloween. Carson Palmer just celebrated his 132nd birthday last month. And San Francisco is still San Francisco.

We know the Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East. Lol nah

We now know Karim Hunt is the best Fantasy RB in the history of Fantasy RBs. 50.60 points! He almost had 100+ yards rushing and 100+ yards receiving. This dude is electric. I’m not bitter at all about not taking him during the draft. In fact, I want to congratulate JD right now on winning back-to-back championships. You certainly deserve it after losing all those other championship games.

NFL fans are REALLY excited about the fact that the NFL allows players to dance again. Isn’t it obvious!? What, with the Dunkin Donuts commercial with Gronk and Odell and the seven different Pepsi commercials that pop up every single commercial break. Oh and how about the fact that NBC, FOX, ESPN and CBS each had “teach us your moves!” segments on their pregame shows that were in no way awkward at all? The “F” in NFL now clearly stands for “FUN” now that the players are no longer flagged for celebrating when good things happen.

Next year we will draft backups in the first round and starters as their handcuffs. Guys aren’t even waiting until the middle of the season to get hurt anymore. Look at this: David Johnson: hurt in Game 1. Allen Robinson: hurt in Game 1. Odell Beckham: hurt before Game 1. Jordan Howard: Not as good as the other guy who replaced him in Game 1. And most importantly, Sebastian Janikowski: put on IR before Game 1.

Dog Shit of the Week

Kirk Cousins. No, I do not like that. I had the Eagles-R-words game on my non-RedZone TV on Sunday and man was I treated to a masterpiece in quarterbacking. It was like watching a man physically turn into the poop emoji right before my very eyes. When he wasn’t getting pummeled or running in for his life, Kurt was sailing passes over wide open receivers’ heads, bouncing the ball to his tight ends, or trying to jam it into double coverage.

This was my favorite Bleacher Report update of the day:

Fletcher Cox doesn’t play for Washington, by the way. Not exactly the “connection” I was looking for.

Somehow this guy makes $24 million! I should start dropping office supplies and sending emails to the wrong people and see if I get a raise.

Week 1 Power Rankings

God some of these matchups were ugly. The league is a little bottom heavy right now.

12. Dessert First

Woody’s team managed only 75 points this week. That’s the lowest regular season total since 2012. His entire team didn’t score a touchdown until Monday night. Aside from the 20.70 point night from Stefan Diggs, who was the one to score that touchdown, Woody’s entire team was a poop sandwich. Tom Brady was the only other player to score in double digits, and he still scored 50% less than he was projected. Eight players scored less than 6 points, included Hunter Henry putting up zero. There wasn’t even points to be had on his bench; his bench players only combined for 21 points.

11. FuseLitHugeDick

Looking at the individual performances, I’m not actually sure how Timmy didn’t manage to score 100 points this week. A.A.Ron scored a not-good-but-not-bad 21.65 points. Golden Tate had 18.40 points. He had six other players with 6 or more points, include LeGarrette Blount with 10.70. But, he also had 4 players (Emmanuel Sanders, Martavis Bryant, Bilal Powell, and Chris Boswell) combine for less than 11 points. I guess, yeah, looking at it again, that’s definitely where it happened. At least you have a Huge Dick.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Jeff-Who only had 3 players score in double digits this week. Two of those players (Jordy Nelson & Matt Bryant) scored less than 14 points. Jeff-Who’s team only managed 103 points with seven players scoring 6-or-less points. I think the way to mask the pain of defeat is by eating lots and lots of delicious trifle.

9. Halftime in Cinci

PWood had 4 players who each scored less than 3 points, and only one of them got hurt. No one on his team managed to score double digit points besides his quarterback (Ben Roethlisbeger) and his defense (Baltimore). Baltimore had 4 interceptions by the way.

8. PowerFranks Gore

PWood and I had a real barnburner of a matchup this week. We were basically the Fantasy Football version of the “No, You Go” Portlandia sketch:

By the time the 4 o’clock games ended, we were both sitting well below 100 points, and pretty much stepping all over ourselves trying to lose to each other.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Much like BigBallerBrand launching with $500 sneakers that no one wanted to buy nor wear, even when they were free from your dad, this wasn’t the best launch for BigBrendoBrand. For a second there, Brendo looked like he was going to have the best running back corps in the league. Leonard Fournette looks like a stud. But then David Johnson got hurt. Now the best (or second best) running back in the league is out for 2-3 months with a wrist injury.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

It kinda doesn’t matter what JBiggs did this week, there was a short, dark, Portuguese wrecking ball coming his way. Drew Brees ended up salvaging 21.00 points from a night he looked pretty bad. And the LA Rams Defense scored 46.00 points this week. Holy shit! I told you they were frisky.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Nick’s team had a sort of uneven week. He had eight players with 9-or-more points. He also had four players with 5-or-less. Also, #bigups for drafting Tarik Cohen. #Nick didn’t play him this week or anything, but the guy already had a hashtag next to his name before he began trending this week on the interwebs.

4. Patfaninthecloset

Micho got one of the more consistent weeks from his team. He didn’t have many guys with big weeks (Adam Thielin had 157 yards receiving and a 40-yarder, good enough for 23.70 points), but he only had two players with less than 5 points.

3. Tiger’s Wood

Like I said before, Kareem Hunt is the best fantasy running back since LaDainian Tomlinson. JD has already got this thing all locked up. We’re all just playing for second place.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

Buckets rode Matt Stafford’s 4 pass TDs, Mike Gillislee’s 3 rush TDs, and Jacksonville’s 10(!) sacks to an easy 43-point victory over Brendo this week. He didn’t get a whole heckofalot from the rest of his team, but then again, most of us didn’t really get a heckofalot from our entire teams. All you really need is 3 guys to get 39, 22 and 36 points and apparently you’re good.

1. Spoiler Alert

Well, well, well. After a very disappointing year last season, Vegas has cleaned house, fired the coach and GM, and started fresh. It’s all about changing the culture. Now there’s a good vibe in the locker room. The players are going out to movies together. On the first week of a new season, Vegas’s team responded with a monster day. He had 6 guys (Derek Carr, Tyreek Hill, Antonio Brown, Dalvin Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, and the Pittsburgh D) with 20+ points. Those six players alone were enough to beat JBiggs (as well as 10 other teams in the league, by the way). He had 4 other guys who combined to average 10.8 points each. Gronk was basically the only liability on his team.

AND Vegas handed out that beatdown with Sam Bradford on the bench. I was getting really angry watching the Vikings, knowing that Vegas had him too. Do you understand what I’d do for Sam Bradford at this point?!! I offer a trade, but I have nothing to give!

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

#4 Patsfaninthecloset flies to Vegas to take on #1 Spoiler Alert in a good old fashion Portuguese mumble fest. Loser buys the malasadas.

We also get a DeSantis Bowl! Holy shit! This feels too early. This is like when the Yankees and Red Sox play in April or if you had Florida-Florida State in September. DeSantis Bowl needs to be scheduled later in the year. I need stakes like, “loser doesn’t get to bring home mom’s Thanksgiving leftovers” or “loser doesn’t get Christmas presents” or “loser has to pick up the third DeSantis brother that we never talk about from the airport when they come home for the holidays.”

Don’t forget to set your lineups and pick your survivor. Houston is at Cincy (-6.5, I will never trust Houston again) tonight.


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2017 Going-into-the-SZN PowerRanks

I woke up Tuesday morning after Labor Day and felt the familiar feeling of “well summer is over, back to school* and time for fall.” It was instantly depressing. It made me want to write a post where the gist was basically: “Fuck Fall”. But then I got home from work that day, and the weather was cool and wonderful. I opened all the windows and slept like a fucking rock that night. This got me thinking that maybe fall isn’t so bad. So let’s weigh the pros and cons of fall and try and decide whether fall is in fact good, or instead, is trash.

*I hate that we’re trained for 20 years that we get June, July and August off to just chill. After that though, real life is like, “No more of that. Now you just work everyday of your life!”

Pro: Football is back

Cons: There are none. What am I gonna say “there’s too much football?” Am I gonna start crying about how you can turn on the TV pretty much anytime during the week and see some hot gridiron action? FOH.

Pro: Soccer is back

Cons: I mean I can’t really think of any for this one, either. The only thing I can think of is, sometimes I turn on the TV first thing in the morning and sit down to watch the 7am game, then I don’t eat, shower or move until 2:30pm. Or other times, I’ll go to a bar for a 10am or 11am game, and then after that’s over, football starts, so then I stay at the bar for that. Next thing I know I’ve spent $175, drank 4 pitchers of beer, and eaten nothing but wings and fries for 13 hours. Still, not really a con.

Pro: The leaves are changing and are pretty.

Con: Raking leaves blows! I have a tiny little patio out back of my apartment. I’m sweeping that thing like every other day picking up leaves. It’s bullshit. Why are these fucking leaves falling one at a time?

On the other hand, leaf piles are fun:

Pro: Pumpkin flavored things are kinda delicious. I know what you’re thinking, I too have hated on pumpkin flavored things. But hear me out. I feel like the hate has gone too far. Pumpkin is delicious. Who doesn’t like pumpkin pie? Sociopaths, that’s who. Boom Boom makes a delicious banana bread, but we currently have no bananas. Know what we should do? Throw some pumpkin in that shit! I bet she’s reading this right now, and thinking “That does sound delicious!” and then I’ll get a text from her a couple minutes later saying “Good post babe! Great idea about the pumpkin bread, we should totally do that.” And then I’ll reply: “I know, right?!” “Let’s touch butts.”

Con: The hate has not gone far enough. I think the real issue is that Pumpkin SZN starts in August. I saw Halloween decorations in CVS two weeks ago. It wasn’t even September. And Pumpkin SZN is doing the same thing. If it started in mid-September and went until Thanksgiving, I think we’d all be fine with it. Right now, no one wants to drink a pumpkin beer when it’s 80 degrees outside. Then by the time you’re actually ready for a pumpkin beer in November, they’re all gone. I blame the white chicks. They simply won’t be denied their Pumpkin Mocha Frappaccinos, so BIG COFFEE gives it to them earlier and earlier every year, and the basic betches keep on drinking it. But treat yourself gurl! You just did a $75 spin class. You deserve what’s basically a slice of pumpkin pie with a scoop of coffee ice cream thrown into a blender.

Pro: The weather is amazing. It’s sunny and warm during the day, and cool and comfortable at night. There’s nothing like sleeping with the window open during the fall. You could be parking an aircraft carrier in my front yard, but as long as that fall breeze is blowing, I’ll be sleeping like a baby.

Con: The weather actually sucks. It’s simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. It could be 80 degrees in the sun and 60 in the shade. How is that possible? And obviously, the solution to that is LAYERS. What am I wearing fucking breakaway pants to work? Lemme just pack this suitcase filled with sweatshirts and sweaters but also shorts and t-shirts for my trip all the way out to dinner.

Pro: Kids go back to school.** I can only imagine, but it seems like it’d be pretty dope.Free childcare! Suddenly daddy has the house to himself. Pants optional.

Con: Maybe it’s sad the first day you drop them off. Suck it up and have a beer.

**Unless of course, you’re a teacher. If you’re a teacher, Labor Day is the worst day of the year. You find yourself sitting on that last beautiful beach day of the year, staring into the ocean, thinking “What if I walked into the water right now and just kept walking? Do you think anyone would miss Mr. Warburton?”

Pro: Holidays. There are way more holidays in fall than any other season. Fact. I didn’t even have to look it up. You got Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving alone would be enough to carry this season over the others, but that’s four long weekends in three months. Spring aint’ got shit on that.

Con: The only downside is some jobs are a little wonky about these holidays. Making plans on Columbus Day weekend is impossible. Some people get it off, some don’t, some can work from home. My job doesn’t give me Veterans Day off. Technically it’s a floating holiday, but it means I have to choose between that and holidays earlier in the year, which I inevitably take off because they’re earlier in the year and fuck thinking about the future, get me out of this place, and put beer in me. How do I not get this day off? The bank isn’t even open. How can I be expected to work on a day you can’t even deposit my paycheck? I guess my job just hates the troops.

Con: It starts getting dark earlier and earlier, sapping your will to live.

Pro: Who needs to go outside when there’s football!

Dogshit of the Week

NO ONE! Football starts tonight. No one can do any wrong. Let’s save the women beating, racial inequality, threat of world war, annoying neighbors, and fantasy kickers until the season starts. Until then, there’s nothing to shit on. Life is great! Football is back!

Preseason/Heading into the 2017 Season PowerRanks

Anybody else notice how all the older guys in the league got C’s and all the younger guys got B’s. What kind of ageist bullshit is that?! Millennials are ruining fantasy football. Are we gonna have avocado toast at the draft next year?! Oh well, on with the #PowerRanks:

12. FuseLitHugeDick

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With the sixth pick in the draft, FuseLitHugeDick selects: Tim Tebow.

Best Pick of the Draft: DeMarco Murray at 19 is pretty nice.

Worst Pick of the Draft: I could say when Timmy looked at me in the driveway and said “Fuck FantasyPros. They’re the whole reason I took Tyler Lockett last year. I’m never listening to them again.” Then this year, proceeded to take Golden Tate 35 picks higher than his ADP.

But no, Timmy’s worst pick was definitely choosing to say something incredibly raunchy as hell, something along the lines of “I’d definitely fuck a 15-year-old,” just as Pa Woody was coming up the stairs to check in on everybody.

11. Dessert First

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Congratulations, Dessert First has earned a participation award.” This was the first line of his recap. Jesus.

Best Pick of the Draft: Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Garoppolo. Woody literally drafted a handcuff for his QB. I’ve never even heard of that. I can’t even say this is a bad pick. Woody ate the whole wheel of cheese.

10. Satin & Lace Eddie

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, Satin & Lace Eddie Hopefully Isn’t Playing for Money.” Bummer, I think by Woody’s math, he is playing for money.

Best Pick of the Draft: Raleigh Raps. Let’s look back at a video of RhysNice while Buckets was rapping:

Worst Pick of the Draft: Aww man Buckets couldn’t help himself to all those Dolphins again. He grabbed DeVante Parker 3 rounds too early. Maybe he just wanted a WR corps made up of Devontes.

9. PowerFranks Gore

Yahoo Grade: C+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, PowerFranks Gore Should Probably Stop Reading This Draft Recap Now” Yikes. I didn’t leave the draft super ecstatic about my team, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: No Rhys Farts

Worst Pick of the Draft: Spencer Ware. This would’ve been an amazing pick value pick 2 days earlier. Dude was projected to be a top-20 RB, had an ADP of 47, and I got him at 76. But as soon as I stuck the sticker to the draft board, I heard someone say, “He’s out for the season right?” and not in that joking, gotcha around way. We went down for Pizza Break right after that, and I was never the same the rest of the night. And it had nothing to do with the 7 slices of Domino’s pizza.

8. Patsfaninthecloset

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Brett Favre is Just a Phone Call Away. Patsfaninthecloset grabbed a couple of QBs (Marcus Mariota and Eli Manning) that’ll both be on bye in Week 8, and will be looking for a signal-caller. You can try to call Brett, but texting him isn’t exactly encouraged.” I love the commitment to this joke. Some fantasy writer at Yahoo thought this was comedy gold.

Best Pick of the Draft: The Three Headed Monster. Only Micho would go out and BUY a tap for the keg at a fantasy draft, then get one with three taps AND a foot pedal. The foot pedal was clutch, once I actually figured out how to get my hoedown foot going.

Worst Pick of the Draft: 2 Defenses again Micho?! At least you didn’t pick 2 kickers again, but still. Come on!

7. BigBrendoBrand

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “BigBrendoBrand should use Week 8 to think about anything other than fantasy football, like, based on principal, should vegetarians be allowed to eat animal crackers?” There are a couple versions of this one, and they’re all pretty good: “…why don’t the pants worn by Dr. Bruce Banner rip when he transforms into the Hulk?” or my favorite, “….why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?” Also, the “Schedule” part of the Yahoo recaps usually said, “Well on Week 8, there team is screwed.” Yeah, no shit! There are 6 teams on bye Weeks 8 & 9. And four each during Weeks 5, 6, 10, & 11. Odds are there’s gonna be a week that your team is screwed.

Best Pick of the Draft: The keg. I mean, I don’t think anyone came close to their allotted 19 beers, but it still made me feel like a Big Brendo Baller.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Pierre Garcon. I actually like this pick, but grabbing him at 74 when his ADP was 97 was a bit of a reach.

6. #Brady40MainiHorny

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “#Brady40MainiHorny may have to rely on a Ouija board each week.” I don’t even really know what this means, or even if it’s good or bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: Reshad Jones. This was the last pick of the draft. This is a great pick. He was hurt last year, but he scored 170 points the year before!

Worst Pick of the Draft: No custom shirt. I found the oversized throwback Hawks jersey entertaining, but not as entertaining as taking off your shirt to reveal wearing a tank top with your face on Tom Brady’s body.

5. Tiger’s Wood

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Maybe You Should Add Tony Gonzalez While You’re At It. Tiger’s Wood must have missed the point of drafting a back-up. In Week 11, both Greg Olsen and Jack Doyle will be on bye.” OH SHIT! That’s some shade right there, Yahoo. You got ’em good! JD drafted two QBs with the same bye week too, by the way.

Best Pick of the Draft: Isaiah Crowell. JD grabbed a projected top-15 RB 14 picks after his ADP. That was the first of, like, 4 guys he scooped from me (I was also eyeing Crowder and Maclin before he scooped them). I swear JD and I had the same cheatsheet. Except somehow, he gets a B and I get a C+

Worst Pick of the Draft: I don’t even know. Yahoo says he built “a squad with minimal risk, grabbing 11 “low-risk” players out of 19 picks” Ugh. Typical JD. Never taking any risks in life. Boring old JD…. Dammit. This would’ve been so much more fun if JD hadn’t actually won a championship.

4. Spoiler Alert

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “With Some Early Gambles, Spoiler Alert is of the Average Variety.” ‘Average Variety’ is some Mariah Carey/RuPaul’s Drag Race-level shade.

Best Pick of the Draft: Steak Tips. And taking Brown and Gronk with his first and second picks.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Coming like an hour late to the draft. Both Buckets and Vegas were late for the draft. Buckets a least has two children as an excuse.

3. Beat Micho-gan

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With an average of 7.9 years of NFL experience, Beat Micho-gan has the greatest chance of losing a player to osteoporosis.” It’s crazy that their algorithm includes something that looks for old players, and then someone wrote this. Do you think there’s one about young players/rookies?

Best Pick of the Draft: Chocolate Trifle Pudding. I spent the week before shit-talking dessert and JeffWho blew the fucking roof off the top floor with that trifle. It was de-goddamn-licious.

I also liked the Landon Collins pick in the 11th round a lot.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Olivier Vernon. It’s a last round flier but this is some Giant fandom bullshit through and through. Also JeffWho took Matt Bryant in the 14th round.

2. Halftime in Cinci

Yahoo Grade: A-

Best Line from Yahoo Draft Recap: “These players will be heavily relied upon by Halftime in Cinci, as they are the best group of WRs in the league.” When PWood took Allen Robinson in the 4th Round, we were all like, “Well he’s stacked at WR, but what’s he gonna go with the rest of his team?” I guess he’ll do just fine. Or at least according to Yahoo. I’m not sure Mark Ingram, Paul Perkins, and Eddie Lacy are the best starting RBs though.

Best Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Graham. Even though he still only had WRs at this point and no RBs, grabbing Graham at 56 was pretty good value.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Eddie Lacy. He’s fat.

1. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Yahoo Grade: B+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Grabbing C.J. Mosley at pick 168 was, let’s say, conceptually adventurous.” I’m not sure if Yahoo’s automated draft reacapping shade thrower has figured that IDPs are a thing. Jesus, imagine if you played in an IDP league, I bet everybody gets F’s. “Taking JJ Watt 1st overall would’ve been a good pick, if you were dropped on your head.”

Best Pick of the Draft: Drew Brees. It was a bit early (9 picks before ADP) but it’s worth it. The guy slings the goddamn football. 673 times last year! Only Joe Flacco threw the ball that much last year.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Justin Tucker. You don’t take a kicker in the 13th round. Toppa Champs don’t take kickers 5 rounds too early. Champions don’t even take kickers during the draft.


I’ve never been more excited than to type this. Set your lineups fellas. Football is back! Football is BACK!! FOOTBALL IS BACK!!! FOOOTTBAVLLLA IS BAVCAIUSNFKJASFH:AIHO!!! The World Champion New England Patriots (-8.5) take on the Chiefs tonight in Foxborough. No ColorRush needed! All the Color is Rushing to my penis!

Opening Night! Football! TOPPA!


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 10

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I’m flying out to San Francisco tonight to visit my buddy Murph and go to the 49ers-Pats game. I was busy packing last night so I didn’t have tons of time to write a blog post, so this post will probably be even more half-assed than usual.

I kind of love flying. People hate it for some reason, but I’m into it. I mean security sucks, but that’s more because it drives me insane how inefficient it is. Oh, and the motherfuckers who don’t know how to go through security. They drive me crazy too. Yes, ma’am, you do have to take your shoes off. How do you not know this? Everyone knows this. There’s a sign that tells you this. C’MON!!!

Maybe people don’t like waiting around. But I think it’s kinda awesome. You have all this time to kill, and killing time is super fun! Oh no, I guess I’ll HAVE to go to this airport bar and drink gigantic beers*. Uh oh, more time to kill. I guess I’ll just have to watch SportsCenter and eat a burger. I never do that because I hate it. Then when you’re on the plane, you get to just sit there and watch TV! It’s great. And they bring you food. Who cares if it’s any good? It comes in those little individual sections. It’s like I’m back in elementary school.

*Airport beers are like $16, which sucks, but their also like 28oz, so I guess that makes up for it. 

It’s only when you NEED to do something does flying suck. It’s an overnight flight, and I NEED to sleep in this upright torture device. I’ve got 20 minutes to catch my flight and I NEED to get through this line that’s 45 minutes long. I just ate a burger and drank two 28oz beers, I NEED to use this public bathroom. That’s when it suck. Otherwise, relax, your on vacation.

Here’s a my checklist for my vacation:

  1. Eat and drink. A lot. This is the best part of going on vacation. Eating wicked good meals and having no excuse not to get drunk. It’s amazing. When I went on vacation with my parents, we spent the whole time looking at shit. What the fuck was up with that?! Vacations are for going out to delicious breakfasts, lunches and dinners. Filled with mimosas, beers and wine.
  2. Drink all of the good beer. There’s so much fucking good beer in San Francisco, even dive bars have great beer. The tap lists out there even put Speck’s to shame.
  3. When Murph gets drunk, punch him in the dick. Old habits die hard. I’ve been punching drunk Murph in the dick since High School.
  4. Meet Tom Brady. I assume when you go to a Patriots game, everyone gets to meet Tom Brady. That’s the way it works, right? Right!?
  5. Not be afraid of Murph’s dad. This won’t happen. Murph’s dad is frightening. When Murph and I played soccer together, Murph’s dad would yell at him, like the whole game. Then when I fucked up, he wouldn’t miss a beat and start yelling at me. I also broke a chair in Murph’s house in like 5th grade. I don’t think he beat me with the pieces of that broken chair, but he may have.
  6. Ignore a bum. This will happen getting off the plane, in the jet bridge, immediately after landing. I will be walking off the plane and have to step over a bum on my way to pick up my luggage. So many bums in San Fran.
  7. Find Seanny. I have a friend Sean, who doesn’t drink. So he didn’t come when a bunch of us went out to San Francisco 2 years ago for Murph’s wedding. He didn’t want to hang out with a bunch of drunk kids, which is commendable. Woody brought a picture of Sean with him, so we could bring it around with us, and pretend that he was with us and make sure he wasn’t forgotten. Because we love him. We then got hammered on the first night and left the picture in an Uber. Because we’re assholes.
  8. Go to The Haight. I love The Haight. I end up going there every time I go to San Francisco. I don’t know why. It’s just a really interesting neighborhood to walk around. It’s filled with those iconic Victorian Houses that are all painted crazy colors. I’m sure it’s not actually THAT cool anymore. It’s probably like someone saying they love coming to New York and going to the West Village because it’s so cool and real and hip. But still. It’s what I like doing.
  9. See the Golden Gate Bridge. I mean it’s no Newport Bridge or anything, but it’s okay.

 

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This Week’s Level: I just at a huge burrito filled with Bullshit and now the rice is expanding in my stomach

So this week the Houston Texans take on the Oakland Raiders on Monday Night Football, in Mexico City! Did you know that?! I did not know that was a thing. Well it is. And here’s a few stories about this week’s upcoming game:

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So the players should not drink the water or drink anything with ice in it. Good thing they’re playing a game that requires them to expend a ton of energy and constantly sweat. Seriously, are all the Gatorade buckets and water bottles filled with bottled water? Also, it’s probably a really good idea to not leave your hotel room. But don’t order room service! Do. Not. Order. Room. Service. I assume this is because of the food, but I wouldn’t rule out murder. Like, Amari Cooper could order room service and when the guy comes to the door: Surprise! Bad Hombre! Two shots to the chest. Now you have an empty roster spot to fill.

This gonna go over well with the players. They already hate flying to England, and that place is safe! Think about how much they’re gonna hate going to Mexico City, and then can’t leave their hotel rooms except to go to practice.

Then there’s the fact that the fans are planning to boo the national anthem. They already boo the anthem when the US Men’s National Team plays Mexico in soccer, and that was before we elected Mexico’s #1 fan to be El Presidente. That is gonna be some loud booing. I can’t wait for ESPN to edit that out. Oh and speaking of ESPN, they’re here to tell you that everything is JUST FINE. Those other two stories? They are those fake news stories from Facebook that you’ve been hearing about in the news. The NFL has never been more popular in Mexico and everything is FINE!

Dog Shit of the Week

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See below.

#PowerRankings

12. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 11 ) [Playoff Odds: 0%]

11. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 9) [Playoff Odds: 0%]

You can pretty much consider these two your Dog Shits of the Week. Timmy and Vegas are officially out of the playoff hunt. Now it’s just playing for pride. As my old track coach said “Go for time!” That’s what they say to you to make you not feel like a loser. “Keep trying! You definitely don’t suck! Don’t worry that you still have two more laps to go and everyone else has finished and are already eating granola bars! Push yourself!” Man, they should’ve motivated me with granola bars. I bet I would’ve won that way.

Anyway, neither Timmy nor Vegas broke 110 points this weekend and both lost. They’re ranked 11th and 10th, respectively, in total points scored. And both are averaging 30 points less per game than the league average. The reason that Vegas edged out Timmy this week, is because of this fire:

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I love me some quality self-deprecating humor. That’s gold, Jerry. Gold.

10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 12) [Playoff Odds: 21.84%]

Brendo is last in the league in scoring but is somehow still in this thing. He’s putting up only 120 points per game, but has somehow managed 4 wins. He’s gonna need a lot of help to get into the playoffs though. He basically needs everyone else in the league to lose every week. 11 losses every week.

9. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 5) [Playoff Odds: 20.85%]

PWood took a big loss this week. He won 3 of his last 4 up until last weekend and was rising in the standings. Currently, he sits in 9th place, on the outside looking in. A big upset against #Nick this week would increase those playoff odds by a lot.

8. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (last Week: 8) [Playoff Odds: 20.49%]

Buckets handed PWood a loss this week and was able to jump him in the standings. In order to stay in the playoff hunt, Buckets has to win, but also needs losses by Brendo, JD, and #Nick.

7. Goodells A Man-gina (Last Week: 6) [Playoff Odds: 86.87%]

JBiggs has been in a little bit of a free fall lately. But there’s nothing like heading to Vegas to pick up an easy “W” and get things back on track. It’s kind of like heading to Cleveland in the NFL. Or Buffalo. The warning signs are still there, however. Over the last 6 weeks, JBiggs has only averaged 126 points per game, which is 30 points below the league average. This week, he put up the 4th lowest point total of the weekend, and actually decreased his playoff odds a bit since last week. That said, JBiggs can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Lance Harbor

6. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week 7) [Playoff Odds: 31.34%]

5. Wide Right (Last Week: 10) [Playoff Odds: 40.43%]

Point Two Zero. That was the difference in points between JD’s happiness and #Nick wanting to drown his sorrows in sambuca and chinese food. Both these teams are in control of their destinies and wins this week would get them that much closer to the playoffs. But they’ll also need losses from Brendo and Buckets to help their cause.

4. Michos a Gurley-Man (Last Week: 2) [Playoff Odds: 98.81%]

Has the team name change magic worn off? After winning 3 weeks in a row by an average of 50 points per game, JeffWho lost this week and failed to clinch a playoff spot when the chips were down. He can still clinch one this week if:

  • Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT ErectDecker -AND- Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Lance Harbor; OR
  • Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT ErectDecker -AND- Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd -AND- SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT Wide Right; OR
  • Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT ErectDecker -AND- Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd -AND- #TomFuckinMaini BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola; OR
  • Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT ErectDecker -AND- SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT Wide Right -AND- Funky Cold ‘Mendola BEAT #TomFuckinMaini

Those are a lot of scenarios, but they all start with JeffWho taking care of business against Micho. Wait, JeffWho plays Micho this week?! Why haven’t I heard about this yet? Where’s the sexual tension via the group text?! I need it!

3. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 3) [Playoff Odds: 99.56%]

I talked a lot about Woody being unlucky this year, but this season was way rougher for him than most of us. No other team but Woody’s has had 1500 points scored against them this season. He’s projected to have 1900 scored against him for the season! He’s first in points by a good 7 points per game. It’s pretty crazy to think about where Woody would be if he played a different schedule this year. All that said, Woody’s sitting pretty. He can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

But if Woody loses, he has to marry Mary off to Jameson, and Buckets gets his house. I don’t make these rules, just report on them.

2. ErectDecker (Last Week: 4) [Playoff Odds: 99.91%]

Micho seems to have righted the ship. After losing 3 of 4, he’s won his last two including this week’s shellacking of Timmy by more than 90 points. Micho can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • ErectDecker BEAT Michos a Gurley-Man; OR
  • Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Lance Harbor; OR
  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd -AND- SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT Wide Right; OR
  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd -AND- #TomFuckinMaini BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola; OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT Wide Right -AND- Funky Cold ‘Mendola BEAT #TomFuckinMaini;

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

I finally got my little star next to my name. It’s just like in elementary school. That little star means nothing. But it means EVERYTHING. While Woody has been the unluckiest team in the league, having the most points scored against him, you could say that my team is the “luckiest” having the least points scored against me (1271). To that I would say “Offense wins games. Defense wins championships.” I read that on a T-shirt once. I’m not sure what it means since you can’t get to a championship without winning games. So does defense also win games? I’m very confused by it. But I’m also 2nd in points scored, so my team is legitimately good. So shut the fuck up.

Lotta big matchups this weekend. We get Micho and JeffWho; two crazy kids trying to give love a chance in this crazy world. We also get the Toilet Bowl with Timmy and Vegas; no matter who wins, we all lose. PWood and #Nick square off in a matchup with playoff implications for a lot of teams. But possibly the biggest matchup of the weekend is between JBiggs and Brendo. If JBiggs can take care of business (he’s a 9-point favorite), he, Micho and possibly JeffWho (if he beats Micho) will all get clinch playoff berths.

Set your lineups and make your picks. New Orleans (+3.5) takes on Carlolina tonight. I’ll be on a plane, which is probably for the best, because even though this matchup looks good on paper, these Thursday night games are terrible. Also watch out for any of your players on the Raiders and Texans. There’s a good chance they’ll be a late scratch, missing the game with the screaming shits.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 7

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It was the Bridge Run again last weekend and I successfully made it up and back down the Newport Bridge. I actually kind of enjoy running road races. You wouldn’t think so because I’m overweight and out of shape. It’s definitely more fun to run with like a thousand people than to run around your neighborhood first thing in the morning, all alone. But the best thing about running a race is you feel justified for eating and drinking whatever you want for the rest of the day. That’s right, you earned it. You ran less than 5 miles, now you can consume 2000 MORE calories than you should. You can drink all the beers you want, you ran a race today. You can go ahead and have that 8th piece of pizza, you ran over a bridge. Shots of fireball? Sure thing, you exercised! 50 piece chicken nuggets late night? I did run all that way only 18 hours ago, add some extra dipping sauces please!

More on the Bridge Run day antics in a moment.

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This Week’s Level: All of the Bullshit. Just full of it. Every shit from every single bull. Ever.

By now, you all know about Giants kicker Josh Brown who abused his wife over 20 times and how the commissioner suspended him for only one game. Oh, sure now he’s on the “Commissioner’s Exempt List” which is his “Whoops, people are making a big deal out of this but I still don’t know how long to suspend him for, so let’s just suspend him indefinitely and I’ll let ESPN figure out how long he should be suspended” list. The commissioner has had an awful week, even for him. I can’t believe he still has a job based on the shit he steps in day-in and day-out. Maybe with this ratings dip, something may actually happen to him, since money’s the only thing the people who employ him care about.

Goodell’s been particularly shitty this week. I’m going to ignore the fact that after Ray Rice, the NFL added a “baseline” six-game suspension for domestic violence to its player conduct policy, but only suspended Brown for one game. I’m also going to ignore that the Giants KNEW about Brown being a horrible person and that his psychiatrist asked him to write down when he abused his wife, so they actually had EVIDENCE of the things he’s done. I’m also going to put aside my homerism and not go on about how my beloved Tom Brady was suspended 4 games for vaguely knowing about some deflated footballs, but a player terrorizes who his wife gets just one game. I’m also not going to talk about how it doesn’t seem fair that the Patriots lost their first round pick for said “vague knowledge” and the Giants won’t lose any picks for this incident. I’ll also ignore that when Goodell was asked to explain why there’s such an effort to crack down on touchdown celebrations but then just a one game suspension for domestic violence, he said this [emphasis mine]:

I understand the public’s misunderstanding of those things and how that can be difficult for them to understand how we get to those positions. But those are things that we have to do. I think it’s a lot deeper and a lot more complicated than it appears but it gets a lot of focus.

That’s right. It’s your and my fault for not understanding these punishments. Not his. It’s MORE complicated than it appears?!?!?! No it’s fucking not!!! The guy beat his wife. Kick him off the team. I’m pretty sure employing a serial domestic abuser tarnishes your precious fucking seal. Fuck. Your. Self.

Like I said, I’m going to ignore all those things. But there’s one thing I will not ignore:

THE NFL MUST BE STOPPED!!! Look. You can charge me $300 for a nose bleed seat at a stadium you’ve somehow convinced the public to pay for with their own tax dollars. You can charge me $75 a month to watch games on my computer with poor quality if I choose to stay home. You can put more and more commercials into games so that their bordering 5 hours long. You can say you support the troops by making them pay to hold those giant fucking flags before games. You can continue to pretend to care about concussions and domestic abuse but clearly don’t.

But this?! This will NOT fly. You cannot charge people money to cheat at Fantasy Football. You’re making it so you can buy the “option” to switch a player with a player on your bench, AFTER THEY’VE PLAYED. For the low price of 99 cents per player, or $3.99 per week, you can buy your fantasy team a cheat code. Is there nothing sacred!? Part of the fun of Fantasy Football is agonizing over who to start any given week. Well, that’s not the fun part. The fun part is then complaining about how you left Jay Ajayi on your bench two weeks in a row. If you can just pay money for the option to replace players in your lineup with those on your bench, how is that fun? That shit is like Westworld. How much fun is a shootout with all those Bad Hombres if you know you can’t die? Goodell will take any chance he can to squeeze a dollar out of us. This is where I draw the line.

Dog Shit of the Week

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Amari Cooper. After catching 16 balls for 267 yards and a touchdown his last two games, Cooper had 4 catches for 29 yards, for 2.90 fantasy points. This was a game where the Raiders had 33 points against a terrible Jaguars team. Woody ended up losing by less than 9 points to me this week. A third big week in a row from Cooper would’ve gotten Woody the win.

#PowerRankings

A little double action in the Power Rankings this week. I’m going to Power Rank each participant in the Bridge Run while Power Ranking each team in Toppa League. It’s going to be super confusing when Micho is ranked high in the Power Ranks but low in the Bridge Ranks. Whatever.

12. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 7)

Cox Cable. Fuck these guys. Fuck every cable company. Ever. Cox kept trying to ruin our fun by cutting out the Redzone channel on us. God forbid you provide the service we pay you for.

Vegas’s team is just awful. Pack it up, the season’s over. And after I went on and on about those scores in the 80s, Vegas puts up 76. That’s the lowest score in 4 years!

11. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 6)

Buckets was rumored to be coming over the house for the Pats game. Woody said he was gonna be a little late since he was having victory sex celebrating the Dolphins win over Bills. Well, Buckets was either having some tantric, Sting-level shit, or he wasn’t used to the Dolphins winning so he lasted 3 seconds and then passed out, because he never came over.

10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 10)

Maloney. Kid was wrecked. I miss the times before Maloney got his Lasik surgery. You could tell right off the bat if he was wasted. All you had to do was look into his Cookie Monster googly eyes. Now you have to wait a full 13 minutes until he drops the C-bomb to know whether he’s shitfaced or not.

There are currently 5 teams who are 3-4. Brendo’s had some bad losses this season, but he’s still in the hunt for the playoffs. He’s got to win 2 or 3 in a row to pull it off though.

9. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 5)

Micho was also wasted. He caught him drinking water around 3pm. Then he went “to go say ‘hi’ to Nana,” and never came back. He will always be the king of the Irish Goodbye.

#Nick’s also one of the 3-4 teams, but he’s had some more bad luck than most. He’s fourth in points but also third in points against. As we look towards the playoffs, he would have a points tie breaker over a lot of teams, but #Nick should just win some games if he wants to get in.

8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 11)

Woody. You know you’re old when the Patriots score and you take victory shots of a health supplement instead of alcohol. Woody served us something called Fire Water? Or Dragon Breath? Or maybe it was Kissing the Dragon? I dunno, something like that. Whatever it was, it was horrifically spicy and refreshing, at the same time. It somehow made me feel awful and healthy, simultaneously. And the next day it made my asshole burn but made my shit smell wonderful.

Timmy grabbed his second win of the year and moved out of last place. I hope he played a couple extra Keno games at Speck’s this week and took advantage of that good luck.

7. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 8)

RhysNice. I lost major points for hashtagging an Instagram post as #bridegrun instead of #bridgerun. This was a much bigger deal at the time. These kids care way more about spelling than they do about telling. I invite you all to take part in next year’s Bride Grun.

PWood managed to get Blowout of the Week with just 138 points. Again, Vegas = sucks.

Speaking of Blowout of the Week, I stopped mentioning those because it was getting difficult due to the combination of it was getting hard to think of weird sex sponsors, it was getting hard to look Boom Boom in the face after writing about those weird sex sponsors, and it was also hard to look for those sex sponsors at work. BUT I received an add for this in my email the other day:

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That’s, KY Duration Spray for Men. I don’t know why they think I would need this. This is not a problem I have. If anything I need spray that makes me NOT last as long as I do, you know what I mean!?!?

Sex products are weird. Like real weird. “Hang on honey, lemme just spray my dick real quick, and then the rest of the night gonna be anything but!” Wink.

6. Wide Right (Last Week: 12)

JBiggs showed up for the Pats game, drank a few Bud Lights, cracked a few jokes, and after the game was over, went home. I don’t really have anything else to say about it, good nor bad.

Once again, JD is near the bottom in scoring but is right there in 5th place, looking for a playoff spot. It’s like you could set your watch to this shit. JD will have a crappy team, but will make the playoffs. And Austin’s team will suck. Every year.

5. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 3)

Brendo. I looked across the bar at 9am on Sunday and saw a short, bearded man that I looked familiar. Turned out it was Brendo. Brendo knows a good drinking day when he sees one. He put in a strong effort all day. Much stronger than his fantasy team, sadly. Brendo also did the TY Hilton dance after a big touchdown, but the touchdown was called back for holding, so he had to take back his dance, and did it in reverse. It actually worked.

Woody and I spent the day rooting for each other’s team, since he had Brady and I had LaGarrett Blount. Both guys had good days, but DSoY Amari Cooper, plus a hurt Stefon Diggs (1.80 points) and Martellus Bennet (0.80 points) really hurt Woody’s team.

4. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 2)

Boom Boom somehow beat me by 2 seconds in the Bridge Run. We started and finished at exactly the same time. The fix is in!

JBiggs has now taken 2 losses in 3 weeks and is averaging 118.32 points in those three match ups. He’s still doing just fine in third place and 5-2, but he’s got a big match up against Woody’s top scoring team.

3. ErectDecker (Last Week: 4)

SueC. Every time Sue walked into the room she brought another snack. And it was always delicious.

Micho righted the ship, putting an end to his 2-game skid. After two weeks of scoring under 130 points, Micho put up almost 148 points and got himself back into second place. I’m still not sure if he’s made it back from Nana’s though.

2. Michos a Gurley-Man (Last Week: 9)

Mrs. Commish. I won’t be bought, though. You can bring all those snacks, but I know where my loyalties lie.

Strong team name change! The best way to motivate your team is to change your team name to a football pun that also makes fun of someone. Well done. And JeffWho got High Score of the Week with Jay Ajayi’s 35.60 points on his bench. That total was the second best from any non-QB player in the league. I bet you wished you had NFL Roster Options!

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1)

Mary. I mean it’s not fair, she’s just so much cuter than everyone else on the list. No one else really had a shot.

It’s really a team game. We work hard all week and then head up into that match up and just try to make plays. No one person is bigger than this team. It’s all about SexyRexy&RobTheSlob. It’s not about one person. It’s about everybody. We’re in a good place right now, but we’re always trying to get better. We won this match up but now we’re looking ahead to ErectDecker. They’re a really good squad and have got some great players. We’ve got to go and have a good week in practice and then execute in our match up.

Make sure to make your picks and set your lineups…. Oh god. Tonight the Titans take on the Jaguars (+3) in Tennessee, but really, who cares? This game is awful. We also get another London game this weekend. And once again we’ve shipped our best teams overseas to try and get British people to like our sport. Cincinnati takes on Washington at 9:30am at Wembley Stadium. You’re probably better off watching West Ham vs. Everton. Smells like an Apple Picking Weekend.

Have a good weekend!


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 6

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Ahhh, it feels good to be back in America. And what a time to be back! Nothing makes you more proud of your country than have to explain that the person running for president of the country you live in likes to grab women “by the pussy.” Has Trump never been to a strip club? “Look gentleman, you can touch whatever you like, just don’t grab them by the pussy.” Gotcha. Where do you keep the boobies? He probably hasn’t been to one though, because there’s usually a giant, black bouncer at the door. Eeeyyyyyy! And that shit is not “locker room talk.” Locker rooms are THE LEAST sexy places in the world. There are old, naked men EVERYWHERE. And sure, there are some locker rooms were sex is a topic of conversation. It’s called high school. And there, everyone’s bragging, but no one’s actually doing. You get me? So, in a locker room, there’s either an old man’s balls in your face, or you have no idea what your talking about, so you talk about how there’s a girl who goes to another school, but you wouldn’t know her and her and I totally did stuff. I’ve never done that of course. I had lots of the sex in high school.

So I’m back from England where I went to my cousin’s wedding. It was a lot of fun, but it could’ve been better. Which got me thinking about other weddings I liked and weddings I didn’t like. That then got me thinking about the specific things I liked about the weddings I liked, and the specific things I didn’t’ like about the weddings I didn’t’ like. I then thought there should be some type of rating system for this. Which made me think this would make a good blog post. So, I present to you the Power Ranks Wedding Scoring System.

Ideally, I’d love for the scoring to be on a scale of 0-100, but since I’m pretty much making this up as I go, it’ll probably end up being more like QB Rating with scores of 115 somehow being bad. Scoring is measured from the view of an average wedding guest. If you’re in the wedding party your day is completely different, and therefore your thoughts on the wedding overall will be different. If you’re a groomsman, you sit around in your underwear for hours drinking beers. It’s great. If you’re a bridesmaid, you have to get your makeup done at 4:45am. Not so great. Then, you have to spend the whole wedding taking care of the bride: Getting her drinks. Looking after Nana McCarthy. Bustling her dress, whatever the fuck that means. Holding up her dress while she pees. I’d be surprised if any bridesmaid enjoyed a wedding. Listen here ladies, that bitch is married. This shit is her man’s problem now. If she has a request, just point to her husband and say he’s now in a law abiding contract to do that shit for you.

Like we say at work, this is a living document and can be updated throughout. Here we go…

Logistics

  • Destination Wedding: +20 points

Day of the Week

  • Friday (Day): +40
  • Friday (Night): +50
  • Saturday (Night): +60
  • Saturday (Day): +65
  • Sunday (Day): +30
  • Sunday (Night): +15

Ideally, one should not have to take off work to go to the wedding. This doesn’t include travel, if you have to take a day off to travel to a wedding, so be it. There also should, not ideally but definitely, be a recovery day after your wedding. And as usual, drinking while the sun is up, is the best.

Travel

  • Proximity of pregame bar to service: +5 for walking distance
    • Everyone loves a good tailgate. Why not one before a wedding? Plus, grabbing a beer before the wedding is makes sitting through a 2-hour Filipino Catholic mass just a little bit easier.
  • Proximity of reception from service:
    • -1 point for every minute over 20
    • +10 points for walking distance
    • +20 if they’re in the same place
      • What the fuck are we waiting for?! Let’s get this party started. You’re married, let’s celebrate.
  • Public Transportation easily available afterwards (Cabs included): +5 points
    • On a random Saturday night, it’s a wonderful feeling to walk out of a bar, stick your hand out and have someone drive you right to your door. Why would a wedding be any different?
  • Transportation Arranged (Bus back to the hotel): -5 points
    • You’d think this would earn you positive points, but that bus always leaves AS SOON AS the wedding is over. If the wedding ends at 11pm, that bus is hits the road at 11:01pm. I’m always milling around looking for my jacket, hugging my family, taking a piss, chugging the last of my drink. I love a good mill. And sometimes, the couple will think about this and get a second bus that leaves later, but then you’re stuck on an idling bus sobering up, waiting for the clock to strike 2am so the bus will take you back to the hotel.
  • Someone has to drive home: -10 points
    • Nobody should ever drive home drunk, right Timmy? If I were you, I would befriend as many recovering alcoholics and pregnant/breastfeeding women as you can.

Wedding Ceremony

Venue

  • Church: -5
    • Church pews are mad uncomfortable. And churches are always hot. Boooo!
  • Outside: +10
    • Outdoor weddings are the fucking jam. Know why? Cause nothing looks better than wearing sunglasses with a suit. I feel like I’m in Ocean’s 11. Lemme grab a selfie cuz I look like a BAWSE. Of course, my mom is the only person on the planet that thinks you should take off your sunglasses for a photo. Ah yes, I should remove this accessory that perfectly frames my face and hides any unevenness, and then squint into the sun. WHAT A LOVELY PICTURE!!!
  • Bar/Restaurant: +5

Length of Service

  • Full Mass -5
    • I’m not catholic. But I’ve sat through so many freaking wedding masses that I know all the words. Why do we have to sit through a WHOLE MASS after the couple gets married. Congrats! The people you all care about so much have shared this moment with you, now let’s talk about GOD. Snoozefest! Also, I’ve been to waaay too many services where the priest doesn’t even know the couple. “You know, when I was talking to Mary and Jake earlier– John? Jim! Jim. When I was talking to Mary and Jim earlier, I really could feel the love between them.”
  • Full Filipino Mass -10
    • I was standing in that mass for 2 HOURS! No, the mothers of the bride and groom do not need to light a candle at the same time to signify whatever the fuck. That shit is dumb.
  • Anything under 15 minutes: +1 point for each minute under 15
    • Really all you need is a photo of the two people standing in front of someone looking like they’re legally allowed to marry you, you need the two people to say “I do” and you need the two people to kiss. That can take place in about 15 minutes. What else do you need?!?

Bonus Points

  • Drink in your hand during the service: +10 points
    • This feels disrespectful to look at in print. But nothing makes you happier than seeing people you care about getting married, while holding an ice cold beer in your hand.
  • Available Bathroom: +3 points
    • Regardless of if you’ve been drinking or not, a mass takes a long time. As soon as the priest says, “Ladies and gentleman, thank you for joining us in the celebration of….” I immediately have to pee. If I can sneak off while the couple pretends to come out of the church six times in a row so the photographer can get that perfect action shot, then that’s worth some points.
  • Friend does the service: +5
    • Just so you know, Woody is available to do your service. I bet you could pay him in beer!

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Reception

Pre-Dancing

  • Great Food: +5 points
    • Honestly, who remembers the food at a wedding? It’s important because it soaks up all the booze, but really it’s just a means to an ends. Wedding food is generally somewhere between “okay” and “good,” so great wedding food stands out. But you don’t want to eat too much food at a wedding because then you could get too full, have to poop, get a cramp on the dance floor, or worse, sober up. So it ultimately can’t be worth that much.
  • Open Bar: +10 points
  • Cash Bar: -15 Points
    • While I was writing this, I was trying to figure out what I found disappointing about my cousin’s wedding. And then I remembered, I had to pay for all my drinks! Not only is it a huge bummer to pay for your drinks at a party, it also kills the flow of the wedding. No one is on the dance floor because everyone’s in line at the bar.
  • Signature Cocktail: +2 points
  • Jell-O Shots: +5 points
    • This happened at my cousin’s wedding, so it obviously wasn’t ALL bad. That said, they had the consistency of canned cranberry sauce and came on little porcelan spoons. Not quite the experience I was used to with Jell-O shots.
  • Wedding Party Intros: -10 points
    • This shit must be stopped. It’s awful. It’s awkward for EVERYBODY. It’s awkward for the wedding party people who can’t dance* but have to come up with something creative on the fly with a person they’ve never met before. It’s awkward for the people watching. It’s terrible. Can we just stop doing this?

*Note: I’ve never been to a wedding with more than like 3 black people. That’s on me.

Music

  • Good Band: +25 points
    • I’ve been to a few weddings with bands, and when they’re great, it’s like being at your own personal, little rock concert. It’s dope.
  • Bad Band: OMG everyone go home
    • I can’t think of anything worse. Holy shit, this sounds like a fate worse than death.
  • Solid DJ: +15 Points
    • I mean, all you have to do is play “Hey Ya!”, “Uptown Funk”, “Crazy in Love”, “Shake It Off” and not play the “Chicken Dance” and you’ve done you’re job.
  • Bad DJ: -10 points
    • DJs are meant to be heard but not HEARD, you feel me? You’re here to play music, not talk on the mic. Also I went to an awful wedding where the DJ played this song that went like this (tune of: The Farmer in the Dell): The bride cuts the cake, The bride cuts the cake, Hi ho the dario the bride cuts the cake. It made me want to run up there, steal the cake knife and stab myself in the neck.
  • Plugged in iPod: +5 points
    • This is a fine way to save money, but a DJ can read the room or take requests (Hmmm maybe DJs shouldn’t take requests. Yeah, you don’t want Aunt Janet requesting “We Are Family” every 12 minutes). But an iPod is guaranteed to play the music you like. But it’s the music YOU like, not what everybody likes.
  • Dance Floor:
    • +5 points for adequate size (25+ people comfortably / 50+ uncomfortably)
      • If there’s 50 people on the dance floor Band/DJ gets +10 points
    • -2 point for too small
      • Too many places just try to throw together a dance floor where there’s not enough room for one. It really kills the flow. I need serious space for my sick dance moves.
  • Bonus points for the following songs:
    • +2 “Twist and Shout” The Beatles
    • +2 “ABC” The Jackson 5
    • +3 “Love Shack” the B-52’s
    • +3 “I Wanna Dance with Somebody” Whitney Houston
    • +4 “Hypnotize” Notorious B.I.G.
    • +5 “Regulators” Warren G

Miscellaneous

  • Fireworks: +25 points
  • Late Night Food: +8 points

So there you have it. A scientific and definitive list, that I completely made up just now. I have not gone back and looked to see if these numbers check out at all. I’m sure you could have the best wedding in the world and it’d score 35 on this scale. I’m pretty excited for Mrs. Commish to come up to me this weekend and be like “Woody told me, you said I had a bad wedding.” And I’ll have to patiently explain that she had a great wedding and I had a lovely time, and the scoring is arbitrarily based on how much booze you can consume in a given time. But I’ll probably be drunk by the time I see her, so it’ll just come out as “Maybe you shoulda had beer in the church!!” and then it’ll be awkward. This is my cross to bear, though. These takes are just to fire to hold back. It’s my burden.

goodellbsmeter

This Week’s Level: When you underestimate the size of the tupperware to put your leftovers in and you have to put it all in a different one, because the first one was too full. Except the leftovers are bullshit.

I was going to go into the RATINGS CRISIS!! but there are much smarter people, who are much better writers and can make much better points than I can since it’s their day job. Kevin Clark for The Ringer, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite football writers, talks about how the level of play this year has gone down because the Rookie Salary Cap makes it more beneficial to not pay veteran players and replace them with younger players, who are not as skilled (Pats fans nodding their heads). He also goes into a lot more detail about the ratings issue here. Drew Magary of Deadspin makes the great point (that I wish I had thought of!) that the NFL has a star problem, with Manning and Skittles retiring, Romo hurt and Brady suspended (and whose fault was that?!), but also cracking down on celebrations has made it harder to root for the fun players in the league. Over at Barstool, PFTCommentator says that it’s our fault for not watching, which… fair point. I honestly think Thursday football sucks because they only get two days to practice. And (HOT TAKE WARNING), I blame Sean McDonough! He is super boring. #FreeTirico

But with yesterday’s non-suspension of Vontaze Burfict, I felt the need to call out Goodell’s other bullshit. So, Burfict received a $75K fine for this:

But nothing for this:

Which, by the way, my favorite commentator, Dan Fouts, was commending Burfict for saying he HAS to go at players knees since he can’t go for their heads. What a hell of a guy!

Fuck this guy. So, he’s suspended for the first 3 games of the season for being a ridiculously dirty player. Then, he comes back and directly targets a guy’s knees and stamps on a guy’s ankle when he’s not even involved in the play. In the same game! But no, just fine him $75K when he makes $2.3 million this year alone, with a $775,000 signing bonus and a $200,000 workout bonus, whatever that means.

Dog Shit of the Week

oliver_englishfood

English Food. Ugh, this week’s “Dog Shit of the Week” is more like “Human Who Shits for an Entire Week.” English Food consists of meat and potatoes. Fish (meat) and Chips (potatoes). Burger (meat) and Fries (potatoes). Bangers (meat) and Mash (potatoes). Shepherd’s Pie (meat under potatoes). Steak and Kidney Pie (meat and potatoes in a pie). And they wash it all down with 20oz of lovely, flat, warm, brown ale. My shits were like bricks. I didn’t even need to flush. My shits were so dense, they just went straight down the pipes. You think Rhys Farts are bad now…

Look, I’m not the healthiest guy in the world. I’m probably a good 5-10 lbs (or 15-20) overweight and I love me a burger and a buncha beers, but what does a motherfucker have to do to get a salad in that country. We looked at 14 restaurant menus looking for one with a salad on the menu. A. Salad. Just one! We found a couple places with a “Salads” section on the menu. Those places had all kinds of “salads.” Chicken salad. Tuna Salad. Salmon salad. Ham salad. But not one with any goddamn veggies. After about 45 minutes of looking at menus, I finally did get an actual salad. But it was just lettuce and salad dressing. No tomatoes, no red onions, no cucumbers, not even croutons. Just lettuce. But I didn’t care. I ate that shit like someone was holding my first born hostage and the only way to get him back was to clear my plate. When we ordered wings I ate all the celery and carrot sticks first. Jesus, how are these people all still alive?

#Power Ranks

Apologies for not being around last week. I was too busy shitting out meat and potatoes. The “Last Week” rankings actually reflect from 2 weeks ago, Week 4. But if you remember, we were all 12 that week. And it was awesome.

12. Wide Right (Last Week: 7)

88 points?! Holy shit that’s bad. Do you realize how shitty that is? It’s one thing to not break 100. I think we’ve all been a little too excited for Fantasy Football on Sunday and accidentally not managed to score 100 points and then have to explain how we don’t know what happened and that it’s never happened before. But not even being able to score 90? That only happened 3 times all of last year. And only once the year before that. This year the league is averaging 141.52 points per matchup. By Woody Math, 88 points is less than half of that average. I know you’re still 3-3 and there’s some crappy teams below you in the league standings, but 88 points is pathetic. Aren’t you up at like all hours of the night? Work that waiver wire. Do some research. C’mon man.

11. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 8)

Timmy’s fucked. He’s lost 3 in a row to make him 1-5. He’s second to last in scoring and he hasn’t even had that tough of a schedule; he’s 5th in points against. He’s averaging a good 10 points below the league average. I don’t know how he’s gonna turn his season around. Maybe some Bong Snaps? Well, those didn’t really work for you last year either. But they were fun!

10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 6)

Hang on, Brendo couldn’t score 90 either?!? What’s going on??* I also can’t figure out what going on with Brendo’s team. This season he’s scored 147, 90, 173, 114, 137, and now 89. He’s either winning by an average of 25 points or losing by and average of 57. If things hold up, Brendo should beat JD 150 to 125.

*I’m very aware that I’m definitely jinxing myself to putting up 65 points this week. You don’t have to tell me.

9. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 11)

JeffWho has now lost 3 of his last 4. Sadly, he left 42.70 points from Jay Ajayi on his bench, which according to Yahoo’s little recap, “exceeded his scoring projection by a league-leading 1,756.5%”. Be sure to start him next week when he rushes 13 times for 24 yards. Fantasy is awesome!

8. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 9)

Yes, I realize I ranked two teams who are 1-5 and 2-4 behind three teams that are 3-3, but it’s all about the weekly performance, and PWood put in a solid weekly performance knocking off Micho. Unfortunately, he just killed yet another wide receiver. Maybe the deal PWood signed with the devil to win the championship on the backs of LeVeon Bell and Odell Beckham’s 70+ points per game is now catching up with him.

7. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 12)

I almost feel bad about stealing Vegas’s highest point total. It woulda been such a good story: getting his first win of the season while getting the highest point total and the biggest blowout and grabbing the weekly payout. I said “almost” though. I don’t actually feel bad. Gimme my money!

Vegas could grab another win next week, as well. He’s going up against PWood in a matchup either team could lose. Or both. They could both lose at the same time. Because they are bad.

6. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 10)

Holy shit, Buckets has won 3 in a row. For the first three weeks in the season Buckets was pretty much the worst team in the league, losing by an average of 36 points. But in his last three, he’s completely flipped that, winning each matchup by an average of 37. Buckets hopes to keep that going, matched up against Timmy’s terrible team.

5. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 5)

#Nick had a strong win this week. He put up the third highest point total in a week when three teams scored more than 170 points. He was also able to beat Woody when he put up 162.90. He’s won 2 of his last 3 and if he’s able to beat Micho this weekend, he could jump into the top 3.

4. Limp Decker (Last Week: 2)

Things don’t look so good for Micho. He’s on a 2 game losing streak, where he’s failed to break 130 points each time. In his first four wins of the season he was averaging over 160 points per matchup. I can tell he’s gotten desperate by changing his team name. He’s got a big matchup against #Nick, who, right now, is favored.

3. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 4)

I’m frightened to death of Woody’s team. He got this far and now he’s gotten Tom Brady back. He’s second in points. He’s also been unluckiest, having the most points scored against him by over 30 points. So you know his team is good. And now I’m matched up against him and I told his wife her wedding sucked.

2. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 1)

Well JBiggs showed me. After I called his team weak, he’s just kept it rolling, winning 2 of his last 3, including beating me. That said, he’s only averaging winning by 15 points, and that drops down to 6 points per win if you remove the 54 point win over his brother. He’s proving that both of these DeSantises have some ridiculous luck, so even if your favored in a matchup with them, be worried.

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 3)

Come on guys! Two Thursdays ago, I was licking my wounds after taking my first loss of the season and dropping out of first place. The next day I flew to England, on a VERY uncomfortable flight, mind you. I didn’t pay attention to sports, kind of at all. I watched Brady’s comeback, on tape delay. I watched his second game, on tape delay. But that’s the only football I watched (and no baseball, apparently a good thing). I still won both games by an average of 40 points. Y’all just pups!

Be sure to set your lineups and make your picks. Green Bay plays Chicago (+7.5) where both teams are ravaged by injuries. And they wonder why ratings are down? We’ve also got London Football, which, of course they didn’t play the two weekends I was there, dammit. Anyway, the Giants take on the Rams at Twickenham at 9:30am, which is right about the time me and a few other Toppa Leaguers will be finishing up the Bridge Run. That’s right, Bridge Run Day! Wake up early, run over the Newport Bridge, then start eating, drinking and watching football as soon as you’re done. It’s gonna be awesome. Providing I actually make it over the bridge. I’m gonna start stretching my Achilles now.

Have a good weekend. Hope to see some of you around.