A lot of holidays have this cycle where they’re fun when you’re a little kid, then they become more transactional as a teenager (“Hey adult, just gimme the candy/presents.”), then they become an excuse to dress up and get drunk. Then in your 30s they become this obligation that you have to spend money/travel/see people for. But then, if/when you have a kid, you get to go back to the beginning of that cycle with them. And it’s fucking awesome.
Here’s what I learned this year:
12. Return of the Mac
Lesson 1: Give yourself a lot of time to get ready. Imagine you and your old lady are going out to dinner. Take that amount of time, and double it. Then triple that.
11. TB12 of Pink Football
Lesson 2: A good costume will make you feel good. A good costume that you made yourself will make you feel GREAT.
10. RODEWAY INN
Lesson 3: Dad Candy Inspection came to me without even trying. It was like genetics or something.
Lesson 4: (Booze Part 1): Boom Boom and I walked out of our house and saw that every other parent was just walking around with a road soda. We turned to each other and said, “We’re doing this wrong.” Next year, we bring booze.
8. The QuOIR Boys
Lesson 5: I now get way more excited to see kids’ costumes than hot chicks’ costumes.
7. I draft drunk
Lesson 6: I intend to dress up with my kid for as long as he lets me.
6. The Hungry Heifer
Lesson 7 (Booze Part 2): When we stopped at people’s houses who clearly didn’t have kids or had older kids, they were just sitting on their porch, crushing a bottle of wine while they handed out candy.
If you’re at home on Halloween and not doing this, let me ask you as a parent walking around aimlessly with a kid dressed as a chicken… why aren’t you doing this?!?!
5. Bath Salts & Celery
Lesson 8: We got an industrial sized bag of candy from BJs and only 5 kids came to our house. I think next year, I’m moving to full-sized candy. It’s the same cost and I’m handing out way more joy.
4. Ron Swanson
Lesson 9 (Booze Part 3) (Also can be combined with Lessons 8 & 9): My boss said he was handing out candy to the kids and beers to the parents.
3. Tua Lipa
Lesson 10: The parents who use a wagon as part of their little kids’ costume are geniuses. We made it 2 blocks before we were carrying the little guy home. Just chuck ‘em in and wheel ‘em home!
2. Coffin Flops
Lesson 11 (Booze Part 4) (Follow up to Lesson 10): Why fill the wagon with kids, when you can fill it with booze?
All life lessons can be learned from The League.
And you can still use it to pull your little ones home when they’re too tired!
1. Beer Gut Method
Lesson 12: It’s super dope when your kid is polite.
Survivor Update: Brutal week, last week. The Jets ❌’d Brendo, #Nick, and Buckets and 💀’d Vegas. Whoever the fuck is My%20Genius%20Pick%20Set picked up an ❌ with Atlanta’s loss to Carolina. We now only have 4 clean teams left.
Times Up! I gotta start working on my Halloween costume for next year. The Jets play Indy (-10.5) tonight. #FDaJets