James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Divisional Playoff Preview

Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

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Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

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Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

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Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

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Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

  • Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
  • #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
  • JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
  • Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
  • “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
  • WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

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After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

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It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

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Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.

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2017 Power Rankings – Week 12

It’s still November for one more day, so we’re not gonna talk about Christmas yet. I stumbled upon an amazing little Thanksgiving trick this year: The Walkthrough. You know how the day before a game, teams have practice where they just walkthrough the plays and don’t tackle or even run around. That’s what we did this year.

We go over a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and that friend hosts a lot of people who come from out of town. Since the house was filled with so many people, they cooked a big dinner on the Wednesday night. It was nothing fancy. It was just pasta and salad. But, I figured out it enabled me to get some reps in the night before the big day.

All the food was put in the exact same place as the food was going to be on Thanksgiving, including plates and silverware. So I got me some reps moving around the buffet. I made the mistake of putting too much pasta on my plate and didn’t leave enough room for salad. But on game day, I didn’t make the same mistake. It was basically like when Malcolm Butler got beat on that goal line play in practice the day before the Super Bowl, and then made the game winning interception on the exact same play. Me too. I won the Super Bowl. My plate was perfectly proportioned on Thanksgiving, with no empty spaces, but not too much overlap either. I’m going to Disneyland!

I managed to get a few practice drinks in too. Pro tip: don’t get hammered the night before Thanksgiving, unless you’re, like, 22. The food is too good to be hungover. But I did have a few drinksy drinks on Wednesday. You get to figure stuff out. Okay this is where the beer will be in the fridge. This is the guy who brought the really good beer, lemme be friends with him for tomorrow. Oh the red wine is terrible, I’ll be sure to bring a couple bottles. This stuff is important. When the bright lights come on, and the whistle blows, you gotta be prepared.

You also get to practice the seating arrangements. I sat next to this super lame guy during dinner on Wednesday. He wouldn’t stop talking about all this stupid stuff and showing me shit he saw on Facebook. So on Thursday, I made sure not to sit next to my dad.

It’s also great because I got the 10-minute catch up out of the way with a bunch of people. Thanksgiving was catch up free. It was on to meaningful conversations like the weather.

So there you go. Little life hack for you there. I just disrupted Thanksgiving as we know it.

Dog Shit of the Week

Michael Crabtree. Look, you’re in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Your team hasn’t been playing well lately. You can’t go into a big game and just start a fight and get kicked out. You’ve gotta be smarter than that. This isn’t about you, this is about your team, BigBrendoBrand. You can’t get kicked out and put up a 0, when Brendo needs you to make the playoffs. Brendo lost by 11 points, and that’s on you Michael Crabtree.

I have a few observations about this fight, which you can watch all of, here:

Michael Crabtree has been deemed as the instigator of the fight because on the play previous to the melee, he “punched Chris Harris Jr. in the stomach.” If you watch the play, he just blocks him. Like, waaaaaaay too aggressively, but I didn’t see a punch. And then it cuts to Harris Jr. being on the ground. You know what that means? Dick punch. Look, you’re a football player, you take helmets to the gut and land on your head every single play. You’re not gonna roll around like a soccer player because someone punched you in your tummy. You only get that pissed if you get punched in the cash and prizes.

Kevin Harlan during this is great. Rich Gannon is going “Oh that’s stupid. We can’t have that. Don’t do that.” Meanwhile, Harlan goes “…and we HAVE A FIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” and couldn’t be more excited about. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing lefts and rights in the booth, jumping up and down, while Rich Gannon slowly shakes his head.

Clearly the networks loved this fight too, because CBS, Fox and both RedZone channels cut to this fight too. “We bring you to Oakland now where, no both of these teams still stink, but we gots fightin!”

Michael Crabtree is fucking crazy. He sized up Aqib Talib WHO WAS WEARING A HELMET and was decides, yup, I got this, lets throw some hands.

You know shit is totally nuts if Marshawn Lynch is the one playing peacemaker.

This poor guy (watch at 1:49 to see the full force of the hit):

That’s a blown out ACL, MCL, LCL, CCL, FCL, and XCL.

And what the fuck is this guy doing (1:55)??!

Is he trying to tie his shoes together??

Week 12 #PowerRankings

After this weekend’s matchups, we have 6 teams who have clinched playoff spots and now have 3 teams eliminated from the playoffs. That means we have 3 teams left vying for 2 playoff spots.

12. Beat Micho-gan (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Look, the trifle was good. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It ended up being the perfect late-night, super-drunk, post-draft dessert. But, this season for JeffWho is like he emptied that big bowl on draft night, and then proceeded to fill it with layer after layer of shit all season long. Each week, when he set his fantasy lineup, it was like he pulled the bowl out of the fridge, dropped his pants, and squeezed out another layer. There were even some bloody poops that took the place of the strawberry layers: Weeks 6 & 7 he scored 78 and 86 points, then in Weeks 9 and 10 he scored 87 and 85 points. Gotta keep the layers even. JeffWho averaged a league-low 109 points per week, and scored the least amount of points in three different weeks. He scored more than 125 points ONCE all year. Next year’s team name: Poop Triffle

There’s also history in play. The lowest point total for the season in the history of Toppa League is 1394.70 points. Right now, JeffWho has 1285.70. My Woody math tells me, that if he fails to score 109 points this weekend against Timmy, he will be the lowest scoring team in Toppa League history. Currently, he’s projected to score 110.70 points.

11. Patsfaninthecloset (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Micho had a nice little run, winning two of his last three games. He also scored around 150 points in his last two in a row. This past weekend, he went back to his old ways, scoring only 118 points and losing by 3o points. It’s time for Micho to put in the young guys and see what he’s got to build on for next year.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (91.67% chance of making playoffs)

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Tiger’s Wood; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator*: JBiggs is pretty much in. If either of the two above scenarios happen, he clinches a playoff berth. However, if JBiggs loses AND Woody wins, there will be a 3-way tie for the final two playoff spots, with all three teams being 5-8. The seeding is then figured out with total points, where JBiggs has a 33.3 point lead on Brendo. So, as long as Woody vs. Brendo isn’t a slobberknocker, where both teams score like, 180+, AND JBiggs doesn’t put up a dud, he’d still be in. In other words:

CheesyGorditaCrunch (would also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Tiger’s Wood AND BigBrendoBrand LOSS, BUT BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is not more than 33.2 points more than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

*The Playoff Computer’s scenarios are correct, but I’m pretty sure there are some other scenarios that could unfold, and the team would still make the playoffs. These may or may not be 100% accurate, but I’ve convinced myself that they make sense, so they’re probably right. Maybe.

9. BigBrendoBrand (66.67% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So, the flipside of all the stuff I said above. Brendo basically has to try and score as many points as possible this weekend. Best case, he scores a bunch, beats Woody, and clinches a playoff spot. Best, BEST case, he scores the most points of the week, clinching a playoffs spot, but also gets a payout. Next best case, he scores a bunch, loses, but it’s enough to make up the 33.3 point difference between him and JBiggs, but in this scenario he also would need JBiggs to lose. So:

BigBrendoBrand (I think might also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Dessert First AND a CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is 33.4 points higher than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

OHBYTHEWAY, JBiggs owns the tie-breaker over Brendo because he beat him head-to-head in Week 8. So, if by some magical occurrence, Brendo scores exactly 33.3 more points than JBiggs this weekend, JBiggs gets the playoff spot.

8. Halftime in Cinci (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

PWood hasn’t scored less than 129 points per week since Week 4. He’s averaged 138 points per week and is going to finish in 4th place in total points scored. PWood was truly the unluckiest team of the year. He’s going to finish as the top team in points against him, by a full 10 points per week. He’s been on the receiving end of the Highest Score of the Week 3 times. And the second highest another two more times. The closest thing I can find to this is back in 2012 when JD’s team both scored and gave up 2000 points, but that team got the 8th seed and made it to the Toppa Bowl. PWood’s team is truly, historically unlucky.

Oh well, time to put in Kyle Love.

7. Dessert First (41.67% chance of making playoffs)

Dessert First CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand -AND- Tiger’s Wood LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So I’m not sure Woody needs BOTH of these things to happen. Woody has 30.35 more points on the season than Brendo. If he were to beat Brendo, and follow me on this one, then he’d still have more points than Brendo. So if Woody wins, both teams go to 5-8, and Woody gets the 8th spot over Brendo, on total points. And there’s no way he makes it if he loses, so:

Dessert First (I’m pretty sure) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand

This would be pretty insane if Woody made the playoffs. He started the season with the second lowest score of the year, and only put up 118 points the following week. He then scored the second highest score of the year. And then before last week, he had lost 5 in a row. And somehow, if he wins a game that HewittLines.co.au/nfl/fantasy/lines/week12/toppa has him favored by 5 points, he’ll make the playoffs.

Watch, Woody’s gonna get a high score of the week, get paid, make the playoffs, and then end up beating one of #Maini or Buckets’s smoke-and-mirrors, first place teams in the first round of the playoffs. How has nobody else noticed how rigged this shit is?

6. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD’s peaking just at the right time. He’s won 5 of his last 6 and he’s scored at least 150 points in five of those matchups. (That sentence is stupid. The reason it seems weird when you read it is because in one of the five games he won, JD did not happen to score 150+ points. But then last week, he did score 150+ points, but he lost. Therefore, I end up writing a sentence that is correct, but makes your head hurt when you read it. Blame JD for that.)

5. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

In the last 4 weeks, Timmy’s been incredibly inconsistent. He’s won two and lost two. In his wins, he’s averaging 162 points. In his losses, however, he’s averaged under 95 points per matchup. The good news is, if this trend continues, he’ll lose this week, in a matchup that doesn’t really matter to him, but then win the following week in the first week of the playoffs.

4. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

It was a great team win. We played well in all three phases. Overall, we did what we had to do to get that victory. We need to prepare hard during the week, so that we can get ready for the next game ahead of us. It’s all about everyone working hard, everyone contributing, everyone doing what you need to do. You do the things you need to do, so that when the time comes, you’re ready. So until then we’re just going to keep working hard and just keep looking at that next game ahead of us.

3. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

I feel like nothing sums up this weird Buckets and #Maini run more than Woody’s text updating us of our season’s payouts:

“#Maini and RalBuckets got nothing” But they’re both 9-3 and tied for first!! I don’t get it. Since Buckets changed his team name in Week 5, #Maini and Buckets are a combined 13-3. They were in the top 3 in scoring ONCE during that stretch (#Maini scored the third-most points in Week 7).

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Some more #MainiMagic and #NameChangerGameChanger stupidness: #Maini and Buckets have the 9th and 7th lowest point totals for the season. They have the least and second-least points scored against them. #Maini has an average of 117 points scored against him each week. That’s almost 16 points less than the leaguewide weekly average!

1. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Going into the final week of the regular season, Vegas is scoring a league-high 153 points per week. He won his second matchup in a row last weekend while putting up the highest score of the week. It’s the third time he’s done that this season, putting up over 195 points each time. Vegas had a little hiccup a couple weeks back, but it looks like he’s also peaking at the right time going into the playoffs.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

DeSantis Bowl!!!! With everything on the line…. for JBiggs. Back in Week 2, when I was complaining that we need a DeSantis Bowl with stakes, this is the shit I was talking about! If JBiggs wins, he clinches a playoff berth. If JD wins and #Maini, Buckets and Vegas all lose, he’ll get the number one seed. Plus, look at this line:

Dead even! They’re both projected to score 133.73 points. I love it!

But there’s an even bigger matchup this weekend. Dessert First takes on BigBrendoBrand in a game with playoff implications for both teams. This game is so big they decided to put 5th place PowerFranks Gore taking on 1st place #Brady40MainiHorny at 1pm and flex Woody and Brendo’s matchup into the Sunday Night marquis game. Woody wins, he’s in. I think. Brendo wins, he’s in. That, I’m pretty sure about. Woody wins, Brendo might be in. Shit is getting real! I might care about this matchup more than my own this weekend.

Be sure to set your lineups. Washington (-1.5) is at Dallas. Dallas is wearing their White on White ColorRush unis. The R-words are reportedly refusing to wear their all yellow ColorRush uniforms. Instead, they said, that if they wear any matching uniforms at all, it will be burgundy on burgundy. I guess Washington fears an all-yellow jersey would confuse fans into thinking they were racist towards other skin colors, and want to reassure everyone that they are explicitly racist towards Native Americans only. You don’t go against ColorRush. So you know what, Dallas +1.5.

Have a great weekend!


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 10

I was out of town all weekend and only got back late Tuesday, so I’ve decided to take this week off. Instead, I’m going to put up a full post on Tuesday that will serve as a sort of combo-post for this week and Thanksgiving, since my Thanksgiving posts are always short anyway. Whose got time to write when there’s all that eating to do? Clearly never me.

Here are this week’s updated #PowerRanks with playoff odds:

Week 10 #PowerRankings

Three teams punched their ticket to the Toppa League Playoffs this weekend. No one has been completely eliminated yet, so everyone else is “technically” in it.

12. Beat Micho-gan (18.26% chance of making playoffs)

Gross.

11. Dessert First (24.06% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has lost 4 in a row and is only averaging 118 points in those games. Woody now has less than a 1 in 4 chance of making the playoffs. If he misses them, it will be the first time in Toppa League history he didn’t make the playoffs.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (62.32% chance of making playoffs)

9. Patsfaninthecloset (3.8% chance of making playoffs)

Micho was beating me by 13 points heading into Monday night. We both had a Carolina receiver left to play (I had Devin Funchess. He had Curtis Samuel.). About an hour before kickoff, he sent me this:

I thought it was pretty risky to start the trash talk when there was still a chance he could lose, even if Yahoo said that chance was only 11%. Cut to Curtis Samuel getting hurt and Funchess scoring a touchdown on the same drive. I sent Micho this:

He went to bed.

8. Halftime in Cinci (3.5% chance of making playoffs)

Both Micho and PWood put up 150 points this week, and lost. If it wasn’t going to happen this week, it’s probably not gonna happen at all.

7. BigBrendoBrand (92.4% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

6. Spoiler Alert (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

5. FuseLitHugeDick (97.53% chance of making playoffs)

FuseLitHugeDick CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

4. PowerFranks Gore (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

PowerFranks Gore CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

3. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

#MainiMagic continues. #Nick only scored 93 points this week and somehow still got the win. He now is 8-2 and has the third lowest point total in the league.

2. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD is peaking at the right time. He’s won four in a row and is averaging 166 points in those four weeks.

1. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Six. Six in a row. This is insane.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

BigBrendoBrand takes on PowerFranks Gore in a matchup that has playoff implications for both teams. If I win, I’m in. If Brendo wins, he has a chance to clinch, but needs help to do it. If Spoiler Alert takes care of business against Dessert First, Vegas clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for FuseLitHugeDick going up against CheesyGorditaCrunch. And finally, 2-8 Halftime in Cinci takes on 3-7 Beat Micho-gan in a loser leaves town match.

Set your lineups, Tennessee takes on Pittsburgh (-7). We had a chance recreate the second-best color rush game of all time, when Tennessee, playing in baby blue, took on Jacksonville in their mustard yellow, but Pittsburgh has opted to play in black, instead of all yellow. A missed opportunity.

Have a good weekend. I’ll have a post about turkey early next week.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 9

I recently went to a brewery that’s right down the street from my apartment. They just redid their taproom so now it’s much bigger and nicer. It used to be a really tiny, broken down room with a bar, where the paint was chipping and there were holes in the walls. The new spot is huge (for NYC) with a half dozen large, communal tables and actual seats at the bar. They kept some of the dinginess, but now the unfinished and chipped paint on the walls is on purpose. The old taproom had just one bathroom, that was also the storage closet. It had a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a weird, huge poster of the gastrointestinal tract on the wall.

When Boom Boom and I went to the new place, she said “I’m gonna go check out the new bathroom.” I was immediately intrigued. The rest of the place had clearly been upgraded, how had the bathrooms been improved? When she came back, I asked and she said “They’re nice.” This was not enough of a description for me. Thankfully, this wasn’t like when you go out to dinner at someone’s house and you tell them the food is “good” but really tastes like cat puke. These bathrooms were actually nice, but I craved a description. A way of knowing right away how “nice” this bathroom was. I needed some type of score.

So I have devised a scientific rating system for public bathrooms to be used heretoforth:

Overall

Single Unisex (+5 points; subtract 10 if there’s a line)

There are exceptions of course, but overall single unisex bathrooms always seem to be a bit more nicer and cleaner than bigger bathrooms. I wonder why that is. Is it because guys know that there’s a 50/50 chance of a woman using it directly after you, so they try like 8% harder not to pee all over the walls? Or is it that a place that tends to have a single unisex bathroom, is a little more grownup than a place that is trying to cram as many people as possible into the bar itself but also the bathroom? Either way, I enjoy being alone with my thoughts while I pee, even if it’s only for a little while.

Space (was clearly once be a closet -10 points; Approximately the size of your bathroom at home 1 point; Has 5+ toilets +5 points)

I don’t need the world’s most expansive bathroom here, all I’m asking is that I don’t hit my head on the door when I wipe.

Wetness (On a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being dry, 5 being half the bathroom floor is wet, 10 is the entire floor is soaked and subtract that score)

Why is the bathroom at O’Briens wetter than my bathroom after I give my dog a bath? What the fuck is going on that would cause puddles on the ground. Are little kids scooping water out of the toilet and flinging it at each other? Are people so wasted that they line up 8 inches too far away from the toilet and just pee on the floor? Do the toilets flush extremely violently? So much so that the water explodes out of them?

Smell (Smells like poop -10; Smells like 35 toilet cakes -5 points; Smells like flowers +5 points; Smells like vomit -1000 points)

Sometimes when we clean the apartment, Boom Boom will light scented candles, because she’s into the girly shit. She’ll light one in the bathroom and it makes for such a pleasant experience. But smell in a bathroom is a slippery slope. Obviously, a bathroom that smells like literal shit, is a bad time. But when the bathroom smells a bit too much like cleaning products, it makes me a little sick.

Toilets

Trough (-10 points)

Nope. Just nope. We do not live in the middle ages. If I wanted to pee in a bathtub, I’d stay at home.

Things to aim at (+10 points)

When they put one of those little flies in the urinal and you get to aim your pee at it. Not only am I relieving myself, I get to play a game. Two birds with one stone! Yet another reason why women’s lives are not as much fun as men’s. On the list of reasons why it sucks to be a woman, I’d put not getting to aim your pee at Urinal Flies above waxing their entire bodies and right below childbirth.

Bonus points! Apparently this thing has been scientifically proven to keep bathrooms 85% cleaner. Because men apparently can’t be trusted to not pee on the floor without something to distract us.

Sink

Small Sink (-5 points)

It turns out that when you try to put a bathroom in a closet, there’s not a lot of space in there. Toilets are a pretty standard size, so how are we gonna make up for the lack of space? I know, let’s install the world’s smallest sink. That’ll work. A sink so small you can’t even fit both hands in it under the tap. If the sink is this small, then it’s a sign the bathroom itself is too small.

Automatic Sink (-5 points)

You know what would be nice? If when I wanted to wash my hands, that I could actually get my wands wet when I actually wanted to. I rather not have to hold my hands in the sink for 30 seconds, then do a full body scooping motion putting my hands under the faucet, then move them back and forth to have the water turn on and then quickly turn off again. Just give me a handle.

Automatic Soap Dispenser (-10 points)

The only thing that works less consistently than the automatic sink is the automatic soap dispenser. I’ll keep my hands under an automatic soap dispenser for 2 solid minutes before realizing that it’s actually empty, then go over to another sink to use that soap dispenser, to have it not dispense soap, walk away, and have soap come out. Why is this a thing? Who has trouble pushing down on a small pump?

Sinks outside the bathroom (+15 points)

Oooo the bathroom is so cool, it’s been broken into different rooms. This is some fancy pants shit. I have no proof of this, but I also feel like having a separate place for washing your hands gets people in and out of the toilets quicker.

Hand Dryer

Automatic Hand Dryer (-5 points)

So many times, I have turned on an automatic hand dryer, put my hands underneath it for 45 seconds, said, “Fuck it,” and wiped my hands on my pants and left the bathroom. It’d probably be more effective if someone just blew on your hands.

Paper Towels (+2 points)

Turns out, paper towels are still perfect for drying your hands. However, there are a few downsides. One, bad for the environment. I feel like I’m killing a polar bear with each and every sheet of paper towel I use. Second, paper towels have serious potential to become a disaster area. Disclaimer: you only really need 1 or 2 paper towels to dry your hands. Who are these people who are grabbing 10-15 at a time and throwing them around the bathroom. “Oh no! The trash can is full. I have nowhere to dispose of the way-too-many paper towels I have in my hands! Oh well, I guess I’ll just throw them EVERYWHERE instead.”

Blade (+10 points)

I looooove these things. In fact, I would make love to a Dyson Blade if I were not certain it would pull off my pecker. It gets your hands so dry in like 4 seconds. Plus feels like I’m using a machine they’d have on a spaceship. “Captain, aliens are attacking” One second, let me instantly dry my hands.

Decor

Graffiti (-5 points)

I feel like I’m supposed to like graffiti in the bathroom because I live in New York and it makes them gritty and authentic. But really it just means you’re in a dive bar. Every once and awhile you find some clever shit that’ll make you laugh, but more often than not, it’s lame tags, stickers for bad bands, and racist/homophobic stuff.

Chalk (+5 points)

Oh I love chalk. This is the perfect amount of commitment I can muster up for my graffiti. I can write “RhysNice wuz here” and know if will be erased in 13 seconds, and I’m okay with it.

Pictures/Witty Signs/Things to look at (+10 points)

Anything that’ll differentiate your bathroom from someone else’s bathroom.

Bonus points: it’s good enough for you to come back and start a conversation about. For example, this will get you many bonus points

Bathroom Attendant (-10 points)

You would think this would get you extra points for fanciness, but fuck that! I do not want to have to pay someone to use the bathroom. And they “help” you with the stupidest things. “Here sir, I’ll turn on the faucet for you. Would you like a towel?” Get outta here with that! I have thumbs! I am fully capable of washing my own hands and drying them on my own, thank you. Maybe the bathroom attendant should blow on my hands to dry them. Then, they’ve earned their tip.

I now need to know how Specks rates on this scale.

Week 9 #PowerRankings

No one actually watched football this Sunday afternoon right? The Pats were on a bye, the Bills played on Thursday, the Dolphins played on Sunday night, and the Giants are teeeerrrrrrrrrrrriiibbbbllllllllle. So no one needed to watch those other games, which were pretty damn boring by the way. The league is now in a weird place where there are two teams with 7 wins, two teams with 6, two with 5, two with 4, two with 3, and two teams with only 2 wins. I don’t know if that’s happened before. Or if it means anything at all. It does mean that there are a bunch of similar playoff odds now, and that no one is out of playoff contention. Yet.

12. Beat Micho-gan (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

JeffWho’s team has yet to score 125 points in a week. He’s failed to score 90 points three different times. JeffWho is on pace to score 1376.94 points. That would be the worst amount of total points in the history of Toppa League.

11. BigBrendoBrand (68.33% chance of making playoffs)

After winning 4 in a row, Brendo has now lost 4 in a row, scoring an average of 107 points per week. He scored the lowest total of the year this week with 74.65 points. He didn’t have a single player score 15 points or more, and only had two players, DeAndre Hopkins (14.60) and Travis Kelce (13.30), score in double digits. His quarterback, Jameis Winston, gave the least inspiring pregame speech of all time, then got hurt.

If the playoffs started today, he’d be in as the 8th seed, but he’s gotta break this losing streak if he wants to stay in the playoff hunt.

10. Patsfaninthecloset (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

It’s sad that both Micho and JeffWho’s teams are so bad that this year’s Sensual Bowl didn’t produce any banter on the group chat. I can’t get a Snapchat with some doodled dicks?

It was a really close matchup too. Primed for shit talk. It was neck and neck through the late Sunday games. Then, thanks to 20 points from Jared Cook, JeffWho pulled away. Micho was able to get 27 points from Ameer Abdullah and the Green Bay defense to win by 1.30 points.

9. Dessert First (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has a 1 in 3 chance of making the playoffs. Which means he’ll probably definitely make the playoffs.

Woody and I had a crazy matchup this week. Look at Yahoo’s game flow graph:

At the end of the late Sunday games, I was up by 3 points. After the Sunday Night game, Woody was up by 7.20 points. On Monday night, I was able to get 15 points from the Detroit defense and pull out the win.

8. CheesyGorditaCrunch (71.47% chance of making playoffs)

JBiggs had won his last two in a row and was averaging 163 points per week, but this week he only managed 100 points against PWood. JBiggs is now 4-5, but is 4th in scoring. He’s got an over 70% chance at making the playoffs, but it’s going to be a tough road. He’s matched up against four top-6 teams, who have a combined record of 24-12.

7. FuseLitHugeDick (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

For three weeks, Timmy’s dick fuse was lit, winning three in a row. This week, the fuse went limp, as Timmy experienced the other side of #MainiMagic. Timmy managed only 103 points this week. Timmy bet on the always scary (not in a good way) Eli Manning and only got 18 points out of him. He also got a goose egg from Zach Ertz after he was scratched before kickoff. Timmy also had 6 players with 5 points or less. He’s got a good chance of making the playoffs, but has to play Vegas, and the two DeSantisesesseses in the next 3 weeks. However, he does have a safety net. If he somehow hasn’t made the playoffs in the final week of the season, he gets to play JeffWho’s terrible team.

6. Halftime in Cinci (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

There it is! After averaging 141 points per week in his last 4 matchups and still losing all four, PWOOD finally pulled out the victory. T.Y. Hilton and Jacoby Brissett combined for 74 points, which would be more than enough for PWOOD to get his 2nd win of the year. His playoff chances are slim. Not only would he have to win the rest of his games, but a bunch of other stuff would also probably need to happen, like every other team in the league losing every single week.

5. PowerFranks Gore (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

I have two playoff “computers” that I use. Well, that I used to use. One is a spreadsheet that I downloaded and enter all the data into manually. The other is a web app, that actually just imports all our shit straight from the interwebs. However, I’ve stopped using the spreadsheet because it doesn’t make sense. Most of the odds made sense. Vegas, Buckets and Maini were pretty much locks to make the playoffs. JeffWho and Micho had like 2.1% chances of getting in. But for some reason, it kept saying I had a super low chance of getting into the playoffs. Like 8%. Even after beating Woody this week, it still only had me at 23% chance of making it into the playoffs. So I either had a 90% chance or a 20% chance. So I’m not using the spreadsheet this year. And I probably will somehow miss the playoffs.

4. Spoiler Alert (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- Dessert First LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS

Vegas gets into the Playoffs with a win over Timmy and either a Woody or Brendo loss. The odds are pretty good for him; Timmy’s coming off a loss to #Nick where he only scored 103 points and Woody and Brendo are riding 3 and 4 game losing streaks respectively.

3. Tiger’s Wood (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Tiger’s Wood CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci-AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS

JD has now had the highest margin of victory in two straight weeks, winning by a combined total of 165 points. Two blowouts in two weeks. We should start calling him The Blower.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (99% chance of making playoffs)

#Brady40MainiHorny CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over CheesyGorditaCrunch; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ;

We’re into “win and you’re in territory.” #MainiMagic won’t be stopped. He somehow pulled out a victory over Timmy with just 118 points. He can earn a playoff berth with a win over JBiggs this weekend.

1. Finding Foerster (99% chance of making playoffs)

Finding Foerster CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ;

5 in a row now! And Buckets has the lowest point total in the league if you don’t count Micho and JeffWho. His average margin of victory is 13 points, and that drops down to 6 if you don’t count the 40 point blowout of JeffWho.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

7-2 Finding Foerster takes on 3-6 Dessert First. If Buckets wins he clinches a playoff spot, and also helps #Nick, JD and Vegas get closer to clinching a spot as well. The other matchup that helps those guys get in, besides their own matchups, is BigBrendoBrand vs. Beat Micho-gan. If Brendo can take care of business, he keeps his own playoff hopes alive, but also helps Vegas, JD and #Nick, as well. He probably would all but seal JeffWho’s fate too.

Set your lineups. There’s only 4 teams on bye this weekend, thankfully. Oakland, Baltimore, Kansas City and Philadelphia are all off. Seattle takes on Arizona (+6) tonight. It’s a ColorRush dream with Seattle wearing their Ecto Cooler green uniforms and Arizona playing in all black.

Have a good weekend!


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 6

It’s finally (FINALLY!) starting to feel like fall. You can really feel that crispness in the air, and that means it’s vest weather. I love vest weather. It’s the best. I present to you now, an ode to my vest:

Oh vest, my vest
How you are the best

You keep me warm when it is cool,
but not, like, freezing
And the way you embrace me
is really, quite pleasing

You keep my core warm,
no need to worry about my arms
Keeping my core warm,
that’s one of your many charms

You’re not one of those dorky, fleece vests
worn by a guy who sells real estate
You know the type. He wears khakis and a polo,
and his name is probably Brad or Nate

The time we share is special,
it’s only October and November
But when I walk down the street,
it’s you and me the ladies remember

You get me excited for fall,
like dark beer, football and flannel
You are the clothing version
of the NFL RedZone channel

Dog Shit of the Week

The injury bug. You know what’s fun? Watching Odell Beckham, Aaron Rodgers, Julian Edelman, David Johnson and JJ Watt play football. If you were to draft the ten guys to put on a cereal box, these 5 guys would on that list. This sucks. This season makes no sense.

This week’s level: Sweetheart, I’m just going to hide behind you while they’re throwing all this bullshit at me.

Now, The Lox taught me that I should want a Ride or Die Bitch, so I can appreciate a man’s wife going to bat for him. But, I get the sense that Roger comes home from a hard day’s work of denying concussions, complicating the rules, kowtowing to the owners, and spilling coffee on his shirt (I just picture him being bad at everything he does) and sits down at the dinner table, and his wife goes, “Honey, how was your day?” and he responds, “Well people were really mean to me on Twitter today. I just don’t get it. I try so hard to squeeze every single penny out of this sport without once thinking of the players and fans, I don’t understand why people are so grumpy.” And his wife fires up the Twitter machine, creates a few burner accounts and defends her man. I mean, she does work for Fox News, so she has a lot of practice defending a bumbling, in over his head, lying, liar who lies. It must’ve been her gut reaction.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

I can’t do 12 quick hits this week. I just have one. I got to go to the Pats-Jets game this weekend at the Meadowlands. And the whole experience was so Jetsy. First, getting there seemed so easy. We could ride the train door to door, so we didn’t need to worry about traffic or parking, or anything like that. In fact, I grabbed myself a Dunkin cup and threw some beer in there for the ride. (Sidebar: It was fun that every time I took a sip, my dumb brain expected coffee. And then I’d get this nice surprise that it was actually beer. Like my brain was like “here comes more mediocre coffee” and then my mouth goes “mmmm, that’s cold and delicious. Hang on, that’s drunk juice!” And I never figured it out.) But it turns out there’s no easy way to get there. The train ride there was an hour and forty-five minutes, when it was supposed to be an hour. And the train ride home took 3! Well, an hour of that was waiting in “line” for the train. But since it was about five thousand people waiting in line, coming from different directions, with no clear ways to corral the crowds into real lines, it felt more like this, than waiting for the train home.

More Jetsy things:

  • The “Ring of Honor” had 6 people on it, 4 of which I’d never heard of.
  • The stadium was 50/50 Jets to Pats fans.
  • The most popular Jets jersey in the stadium was Joe Namath. That guy played 40 years ago! And the Super Bowl he won was almost 50!! Also, not that good. The guy was 62-63, with 173 TDs and 220 interceptions.
  • They did a big intro thing, with the loud music, smoke, green flames and these inflatable Jets making the tunnel. On the big screen, they then showed these two guys opened the doors to let the team run onto the field… and there were no Jets. The Jets can’t even run onto the field right.
  • This was an item they gave to all the fans:

  • In case you can’t make it out, It’s a 24-inch strip of foam, that says “Jet Up.” There is no special shape, it’s just a straight, square piece of foam. They took a ton of 50-foot strips of foam, printed the world’s worst slogan on it, cut it into 2-foot pieces, gave it away for free, and the fans LOVED it.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho put up the second lowest score of the year, scoring 78.40*. JeffWho didn’t have a single player, besides his QB, score in double digits. His second highest scoring player was LB Wesley Woodyard (great name!) with 9.00. Maybe if you stopped worrying about your stupid, dumb Yankees who are stupid and dumb, you might actually win a few games. Also, what happened to your avatar? Come on JeffWho!!

*I woke up this morning and this had been stat corrected. Don’t worry, his score still sucks.

11. Halftime in Cinci

In the ongoing saga of PWood’s fantasy season, this week he lost by 2.30, which was the second-smallest margin of the year. The first-smallest (most-smallest? Very-smallest? Smallest-smallest?) margin of the year was 1.45, when I barely beat… PWood. So, in case you’re keeping score at home, and/or want to be mean to PWood and bring this stuff up regularly, he has been a part of the two closest matchups of the season, and lost them both. He has also been blown out by the most points, when he lost by 92 points, to his brother of all people. He’s had the most points scored against him than any other team in the league. And last week, he had the second highest point total of the week, but lost because Brendo had the highest. But you have a beautiful baby girl. So, that’s a thing that’s good. Right?

10. Patsfaninthecloset

Five losses in a row.

9. Tiger’s Wood

JD’s team only managed 108 points this week. Melvin Gordon (27 points) played well for him, and that’s basically it. Every other one of his players underperformed their projected scores. His three wide receivers combined for 8.80 total points.

8. BigBrendoBrand

How the great ones fall. BigBrendoBrand has gone belly up, as Brendo’s team couldn’t manage to score a hundred points. 75% of his team scored in single digits, including Jameis Winston, who ended up getting hurt.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Tough break for JBiggs. Going into Monday night he had a 15-point lead and Woody had only one player left to play. He ended up losing by 14 (more on this in a second). This was after putting up the third highest total of the week and having seven players score 9 or more points. This loss, combined with JD’s loss, also breaks up the weekly DeSwitchtis, which I guess I’m fine with, because I couldn’t really figure out a clever enough name for it.

6. Finding Foerster

Buckets has now one two in a row. That’s the power of the name change, baby! Buckets pulled out a 2-point victory over JD, thanks to 22 points from Matt Stafford and 20 from Jay Ajayi.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

It looks like Timmy lit that fuse and stuck it right into his huge dick, because his team was up and ready to go. After not even being able to score 100 points last week, Timmy’s team put up the 5th highest score of the week and brought his team back to .500. And he did it all without A.A.Ron!

What he’s going to do for the rest of the season, that’s the question. Good god! That’s Phil Rivers’ music!

4. Dessert First

If Woody’s Week 3 blowout of his brother was POWER, I don’t know what this week was. Down by 12 points, things didn’t look good for Woody. In fact, he was given a 0% chance to win:

He only had Derrick Henry left playing. The Titans were up by 6 and running out the clock. In the final minute of the game, Derrick Henry rushes for a 73-yard touchdown. The play puts him over 100 yards for the night. The result of that one play is 23.30 points. Not only did this play crush JBiggs’s dreams, it crushed mine as well, since Woody ended up getting half a point more than me, for the highest score payout.

3. PowerFranks Gore

And just like that I’m back, baby! I had 5 players (Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, Todd Gurley, Carlos Hyde and the LA defense) score 19 points or more. You could take those players and leave out the Rams, and I still woulda beat JeffWho. But we’re gonna go ahead and count all the players on my team, which results in an 89-point blowout.

2. Spoiler Alert

Also back? Vegas. After losing two in a row, he’s now won 2 in a row. This week, he’s on track to be the first team to break 1000 points this season. Antonio Brown scored 30.50 points and Gronk added another 20.30, as Vegas squeaked out a 2 point victory over PWood.

1. #Brady40MainiHorny

You don’t have to like the method, but it get results. In a season when the Rams, Vikings, Eagles, Panthers and Chiefs are the best teams in the league, it would make sense that the team in first place in our league would have the 5th lowest point total. #Nick pulled out a win over Brendo this week by scoring a whopping 111 points.

Be sure to set your lineups. The Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders are at home against the Chefs (-3). For Color Rush™, Oakland will be wearing all white and not all black, because we can’t have nice things, and Kansas City will be in all red again. There’s football in London this week! But sadly the game kicks off at 1pm our time, so no football with your pancakes. The game (Rams-Cardinals) is being played at Twickenham (which is the national rugby stadium) this time, instead of Wembley, because Tottenham play Liverpool at Wembley at 11am on Sunday. That has the potential to be a good game with lots of goals. Both teams score a lot and Liverpool’s defense is porous.

Enjoy the weekend!