James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Toppa Bowl Champions

Champions Again!

JD_ChampsAgain.pngTiger’s Wood defeats Finding Foerster 130.85 to 101.65 in Toppa Bowl VII to become the first ever back-to-back James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League champion.

Twice as Nice

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I guess defense really does win championships. The Los Angeles Chargers defense put up 20 points against the Jets early Sunday afternoon. Kwon Alexander added another 10 points, which was enough to put JD up by 30 at that point. From there, JD never looked back to become 2017 Toppa League champion.

Dynasty?

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Could JD be the best Toppa player ever? JD has now been to 4 Toppa Bowls in a row, 5 total, and won the last two. He has the highest winning percentage in league history, has the most wins in league history, is the only team to have 50 regular-season wins, is tied for the most Toppa Bowl championships and has never missed the playoffs.

Turnt Up

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Tiger’s Wood knew how to turn it on for the playoffs. JD’s team averaged 164.13 points per game in their three playoff matchups. They didn’t lose a game by less than 30. A lot of that came from Kareem Hunt, who hadn’t scored in double digits in 6 weeks coming into the playoffs, but scored 83 total points in his three playoff games.

Déjà Vu All Over Again

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After losing in a blowout in Toppa Bowl VI, Buckets established himself as the best team in the 2017 season, winning 10 games and securing the number one seed. He won his first two playoff matchups by scoring 328 total points in two games. He found himself once again up against JD in the Toppa Bowl. And once again, he didn’t have enough to defeat JD. Buckets has got to be thinking what can he do to beat JD.

JD Scores Buckets

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In a year when scoring had been down across the league, JD’s 130.85 points was the lowest winning score in Toppa Bowl history. It was more than enough though. Buckets put up the third lowest score of any team to play in the Toppa Bowl. He now owns the lowest and third-lowest scores in Toppa Bowl history.

1 Championship, 2 Championships, …

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Last year was about breaking the curse. This year was about establishing dominance. “Last year was awesome,” JD said to a reporter. “But this year is almost better. This year shut up all the critics. Silenced the haters. They thought it was a fluke. But this proves it’s not. And there’s no reason why we can’t go out and win it again next year. The best championship is the next one.”

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Congrats JD. You played one hell of a season start to finish.

Well, that’s one more Toppa League SZN in the books. I for one am already looking forward to next year’s cookout and draft.

Have a happy New Year everybody and, as always, thanks for reading (and enjoying?) this trash I put on the internet.

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2017 PowerRanks – Toppa Bowl Preview

Well, we’ve reached the end of the Fantasy Football SZN and that means it’s time to give out the Dog Shits of the Year.

2017 Dog Shits of the Year

 

Before we start, let me just say that injuries are not factored into the 2017 DSOY awards, as those aren’t the fault of the players who get hurt. but for the players below, it was very much their fault how much they sucked. But before we get into the 2017 All-Dog Shit team, let us remember a few of the players who got hurt this year and ruined our fantasy season:

*Sniff* *Sniff* It’s just so sad. Okay on to the 2017 All-Dog Shit team:

QB: Matt Ryan

Matt Ryan didn’t score 30 points once this year. He only scored more than 25 points twice. He didn’t reach the passing bonus in a single game. He didn’t have more than 2 TDs in a single game. Last year he was 60 yards short of 5000 yards passing. This year he was 500 yards short of 4000. Oh yeah, and he was the number 1 player in all of fantasy last year. This year he was 63rd.

Runner Up: Drew Brees – He wasn’t awwwwwful, but as the second QB off the draftboard at the top of the 3rd round, JBiggs was thinking he’d get better production than the 10th QB in fantasy.

RB1: Jay Ajayi

Jay Ajayi was the 10th overall pick. He scored only 1 TD all year.

RB2: DeMarco Murray

If you take out the two games where Murray put up 28 and 25 points, he averaged only 6.45 points per game. He only had two other TDs this season outside of those two games and he only had 5 total. He had twice that amount last year, and was the fourth ranked RB in fantasy.

Runner Up: Mike Gillislee – Remember when Gillislee scored 3 TDs in Week 1 and looked like LeGarrette Blount 2.0? Neither does Bill Billicheck. The 22.50 points Gillislee put up in Week 1 accounted for almost half of his season’s points. After a decent-ish Week 2, getting 69 (nice) yards and a TD, he put up 3, 4, 5, 1, 3, and 3 points. He never carried the ball again.

WR1: Mike Evans

Last year Evans had 1300 yards and 12 TDs and was the second ranked WR in fantasy. Because of that, Micho took him 9th overall. This year, Mike Evans never had 100 yards receiving in a game and only scored 5 TDs. Last year Evans was the 40th overall player in fantasy. This year, he’s the 140th.

WR2: Amari Cooper

Last year, Amari Cooper went for over 1100 yards and 5 TDs. This year, Amari Cooper basically forgot how to catch the ball. He failed to break 100 fantasy points on the year, and if you take away the freak 200-yard game, he scored 3 points a game.

WR3: Jordy Nelson

No one missed A.A.Ron more than Jordy. Except maybe Timmy. After Rodgers got hurt, Jordy scored 7.00, 1.30, 3.50, 2.00, 2.40, 1.10, 1.70, 3.30 and 3.80. That’s insane. He was the number 1 scoring WR in fantasy last year. He hasn’t even scored 20 total points in the last 8 weeks.

Runner Up: Dez Bryant – Remember when Dez was super good? Wasn’t Frankendez a thing? He’s not even the best receiver on his own team anymore.

TE: All of them (Except Gronk and Travis Kelce).

Tight ends in fantasy are more random and more infuriating than kickers. JeffWho, please once again explain to me why you want to have our flex position also include tight end. Because I’d rather not play one at all. And you want to play TWO!?

The number 7 tight end in fantasy didn’t even score 100 points all year. Evan Engram was the number 4 tight end in all of fantasy. Wanna know some of his league leading stats? Week 1 through Week 5: 4.40, 10.90, 4,50, 6.20, and 0.00. That’s some DEVASTATION right there. His highest point total of the seasons was 15.90 points. LEAGUE WIDE DOMINANCE. I’d rather play another IDP next year than play a fucking tight end.

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This Week’s Level: Look at all this bullshit all over the floor! Yeah, but I cleaned up this little tiny corner over here.

Quick little update I read about Russell Wilson when you click on his little note on Yahoo!:

The Seahawks have been fined $100,000 for failing to follow the concussion protocol with Russell Wilson in Week 10.
Advice: “There was a failure in the application,” the NFL and NFLPA concluded after a joint review. In addition to the fine, both the coaching and medical staffs will be required to attend “remedial training regarding the protocol.” It hasn’t been usual for the Seahawks to push boundaries during the Pete Carroll era. Their handling of the Wilson situation was so flagrant that the league had to act.

So apparently they took my advice and have started to fine teams for not following the concussion protocol. And they send you to school!! Oooooo, that’ll show em! So they totally did this for the Tom Savage concussion too, who is out for the season, right? Right?

Playoff Recap

Oh wasn’t this exciting? We got two enormous blowouts which resulted in a rematch from last year’s Toppa Bowl. Neat.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster 150.75
#6 FuseLitHugeDick 105.90

Well A.A.Ron came back and while he wasn’t his old, dominant self, he put up quality numbers for Timmy (30.80 points). Unfortunately for Timmy, none of his wide receivers or running backs showed this week. Those six players combined for just 21.50 points, including zero points from Marquise Lee.

Buckets’ team, on the other hand, performed on all sides of the ball. He had 7 players score in double digits, including Matt Stafford, scoring 24.75 points, and getting 21.00 points from the Jacksonville defense. He also didn’t have a single player score under 7 points.

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Tiger’s Wood 195.50
#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 109.50

This one was over before it started. Look at this:

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By the time the early games started on Sunday, JD was already up 82 to 13. JD got 63.50 points from Melvin Gordon and Kareem Hunt on Saturday night, which you would think would be enough to seal the deal, but #Nick actually got 52 points from his running backs, Devonta Freeman and LeSean McCoy. But JD also got 50.30 combined points from his wide receivers, whereas #Nick got 9. JD’s 195.20 point is the highest point total for a Conference Championship game in Toppa League history and the 5th highest point total in the playoffs ever.

Toppa Bowl VII

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

Well it’s the matchup everybody’s been waiting for. And by everybody, I mean nobody.

Previous Matchup: Oh. Well, this is a little exciting. In Week 6, Buckets beat JD by just 1.8 points (111.10 to 109.30). Of course, in a game where both teams barely manage to combine for 200 points, there’s not much scoring to highlight. It really was a pretty close matchup. Both teams’ QBs scored similar points (Matt Stafford: 22.00 points, Phillip Rivers: 19.00 points). Both got roughly 30 points from their special teams (Kicker, Defense plus two IDPs). In the end, JD got a bad day from his wide receivers and Buckets had one receiver, Davante Adams with 11.40 points, who didn’t.

Of course, this isn’t the only previous matchup of note. Last year, JD and Buckets met in Toppa Bowl VI. JD came in as the 7-seed beating Micho and Woody along the way. Buckets was a magical 8-seed, defeating my 11-2 team #1-seed, and then beating JBiggs in the East Lot Conference Championship Game. Coming into the Toppa Bowl, the game was a PICK, as a #7-seed playing a #8-seed seemed like an evenly matched game where anything could happen. But the matchup itself was not that exciting. JD blew out Buckets 172.20 to 95.60. It was the biggest blowout in Toppa Bowl history. JD finally buried his demons after previously making it to 3 Toppa Bowls and losing each one.

Key Players: Let’s see how each team matches up at each position.

Quarterback: Russell Wilson vs. Matt Stafford. Russell Wilson is the best player in fantasy, but he had his worst week since Week 1, with only 13 points. Of course, he was playing the Rams defense last week, and has the Cowboys mediocre defense this week. Buckets is really missing the Carson Wentz right now. The Wentz Wagon is still the 3rd best player in all of fantasy and he didn’t even play last week. Instead, Buckets has to rely on Matt Stafford, who has been, um, reliable? He’s been the 9th best QB all year, and the Lions are somehow fighting for a playoff spot, so they may try to win big against a Cincinnati team who has quit on their coach, who has, in turn, quit on his team. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Wide Receivers: Well, considering both teams are currently starting a Jacksonville receiver that I’ve never heard of, it’s not a stretch to say that neither team has a real strong receiving corps. In fact, you could say that they’re more like receiving corpses!! Get it?!?! I chalk JuJu’s 19.40-point performance last week to a fluke play and *cough* bad defense *cough*. I also can’t believe JD isn’t starting Marquise Goodwin whose now thriving since having the most handsome man in football throwing him the ball. The best receiver in this matchup is Michael Thomas, for Buckets, who has double digit fantasy points and a touchdown in each of his last three games. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Outta Nowhere Dominant Running Back: Kareem Hunt vs. Kenyon Drake. Drake has 75.90 points in his last three games. Kareem Hunt has 72.70. Recency bias had me thinking this was going to be close but Hunt was going to take it, but lately Drake has been the better player. And they’re matched up against each other this weekend as Miami takes on the Chiefs at Arrowhead. That game could determine the Toppa Bowl winner. Edge: Push

Other Running Back: Melvin Gordon vs. Jay Ajayi. We covered Ajayi above. But in case you didn’t read it, which, ouch, but he’s sucked this year. Especially since he got traded to the Eagles. Melvin Gordon, has very much not sucked this year. He’s the 6th ranked RB in fantasy this year, averaging 15.5 points per game. He also gets to play the Jets this week. Edge: Tiger’s Wood

Tight End: Ugggghhhh. Again with this position?! Evan Engram vs. Greg Olsen. So Engram is the number 4 TE in fantasy, as I mentioned earlier. He’s gotten double digit fantasy points in 2 of the last 3 weeks. Greg Olsen has been hurt most of the year, but he’s finally getting healthy. Olsen had 116 yards and a TD last week in his first week back at full strength. I don’t know, if either of these guys catches a touchdown, it’s a good game. Edge: Push

Flex: I’d rather not compare Latavius Murray and Duke Johnson Jr. They are literally the 140th and 141st ranked players in fantasy. Moving on. Edge: Push

Kicker: Nope. Not doing this one either.

Defense: Buckets has the Jacksonville Jaguars who are the number 1 scoring defense in fantasy. They have 305 points this season, which is actually the 16th best player in fantasy. They’ve only scored under 20 points six times this year. However, JD’s LA Chargers defense is surprisingly good as well. They’re the 5th ranked defense in fantasy and get to catch passes from Bryce Petty all day on Sunday.

As for IDPs, JD has the name recognition with Bobby Wagner and Sean Lee, but both are on the injury report this week. Buckets has gone the route of playing consistent linebackers on shitty teams, playing Reuben Foster from San Francisco and Joe Schobert of Cleveland. Neither player has a really dominant game all season, but both are averaging 8 to 9 points per game in the last 4 weeks. Slight Edge: Finding Foerster

Well it looks like the edge here is going to JD as the favorite. Could we have our first ever back-to-back champion?

JD and Buckets set your lineups. Ignore your wives and kids on Christmas Eve and pray to the altar of Chris Hansen. It’s Toppa Bowl VII. Finding Foerster vs. Tiger’s Wood. Buckets vs. JD. Can Buckets continue to ride the momentum of his crucial mid-year name change? Will he be spitting bars of a victory rap on draft night? Or will JD defend his title? Who will get their face Photoshopped onto the NCAA Women’s National Championship team?

And let me be the first to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year.


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2017 PowerRanks – Conference Championship Preview

At least I made it to the playoffs. This week’s playoff matchups were pretty crazy. In a year when the weekly team average score was 10 points less than the last 5 years, this week’s 4 winning teams scored an average of 173 points. My team did not score 173 points. Plus I broke my phone on Sunday. Not a good weekend.

Tonight’s game features the 4-9 Denver Broncos traveling to Indianapolis to play the 3-10 Colts (+2.5). This is a truly, truly terrible game. You’re better off stabbing yourself in the eyes so that you don’t accidentally watch a minute of this game. Not even the fact that these teams will be in all of their ColorRush glory helps; The Broncos will be wearing all orange with the old school “D” decal on their helmets:

Meanwhile the Colts will be in all blue:

And as great as the sight of these uniforms will be, you will still have to watch some ugly, ugly, awful football. My recommendation is to not watch this game, BUT if you have to, I think I’ve come up with a way to make this more tolerable. I present to you the Week 15 Thursday Night Football Drinking Game:

  • If you have a fantasy player starting in this game: finish your drink
  • Everyone in the room has to guess what channel the game is on, and the first person to guess it correctly doesn’t have to drink while everyone else takes a drink
  • Everyone in the room has to take a drink if anyone can figure out how to watch this game on Amazon
  • Trevor Siemian throws an interception: take a drink
  • Paxton Lynch throws an interception: take 2 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler puts his helmet on: take 3 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws a pass: take 4 drinks
  • Brock Osweiler throws an interception: finish your drink
  • Brock Osweiler leads a game winning drive: finish your drink, take out another drink and shotgun it
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about Tom Brady: take a drink
  • Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about delicious brisket: take two drinks
  • Cris Collinsworth goes, “I tell you what…”: take a drink
  • Shot of Andrew Luck: take a drink
  • Mention of key injuries around the league: take a drink
  • A commercial starring an injured NFL player: take a drink if Aaron Rodgers, take two drinks if anyone else
  • “Dilly dilly” is said: take a drink
  • That commercial with the doofus wearing the Raiders sweater to the Chiefs family dinner: take drink
  • That Toyota commercial about cutting the tree down that those old people carved their initials into, and then they turn it into a table for those old people and shit gets all weeps: drink the entire time that commercial plays because fuck that commercial
  • Vance Joseph is fired mid-game: finish your drink
  • Either team scores a touchdown: take two drinks
  • Neither team has scored a touchdown at halftime: finish your drink, then finish another one by the time the 3rd quarter begins
  • Micho texts during the game: take a drink
  • JD texts during the game: take a drink
  • Buckets texts during the game: drink all of the drinks
  • Mike Pence is at the game: finish your drink
  • Mike Pence says he’s at the game, but uses the photo from two years ago when he was actually at the game: take three drinks
  • One of those complicated, multiple team member touchdown celebrations: take 4 drinks
  • Someone goes into the concussion protocol and then comes right back into the game: take your drink, slam it into your head multiple times to give yourself a concussion, then finish your drink

This Week’s Level: What’s bullshit? I can’t remember. Wait, where am I? Are you my mom?

Speaking of the concussion protocol, here’s a free tip for the NFL on how to improve the game. I call it the “Now, I’m not a doctor…” guy. What you need is a guy. A regular guy. A guy who is not a doctor but of reasonable intelligence. Whenever there is a big hit, this guy watches the replay on TV. This guy’s job is to come over to the pop-up blue tent and give his analysis of watching the hit on TV. For example, he might say: “Now, I’m not a doctor, but his body went limp when those two guys hit him directly in the head.” The team doctor’s opinion is still valid, but this guy’s opinion has weight too. “Well his head hit the ground and he started convulsing like he’d been shot with a stun gun. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think he should play anymore.”

You know what we should do, start fucking fining the teams for putting guys with concussions back on the field. Coaches, owners, team doctors, all of em. This is getting a little fucking gross.

Dog Shit of the Week

That random, extremely selfish and self-centered woman on the train on Monday. So there was a bomb in Port Authority on Monday. And this is what life in New York City has become, you can start discussions on about terrorism nonchalantly. Anyway, thankfully this guy was a moron, who tried to build a bomb using Pinterest and DIY.com, and blew himself up in the process. I’m hoping he ends up looking like JPP for the rest of his life. But the result of this failed bombing, was that every subway train in NYC was either fucked or extremely fucked.

I knew my morning commute was gonna be a shitshow, so I left early, giving myself plenty of time for whatever bullshit I was going to experience on the train. Turns out, I played it right. There was a train pulling into the station right as I got there, but then that train stayed at the station for about 10 minutes, due to an “investigation.” On a day that a bomb goes off, by all means, please investigate all you want.

Since the trains were all kinds of fucked, my train was more packed than Boom Boom’s suitcase for a weekend away (AYYYOOOHH!). And look, the train sucks when it’s that jammed. On a normal day if my subway car is packed, I spend my whole ride staring daggers at the back of the little old lady’s head in front of me because she won’t stop hitting me with her purse and I know she’s got some Werther’s in there and if she’d just give me one, I’d feel so much better, but she won’t, that fucking old bitch. But on that day, a bomb went off, I figured we’d all be like, “Well these are some pretty extenuating circumstances. We’re all in this together” but no. Everyone was just their regular, annoyed selves.

My favorite example of this was when I was reading what this woman texting her friend over her shoulder. Usually I wouldn’t do this (just kidding, I do this all the time), but usually I try to not to read someone’s entire conversation because it makes me a creeper, but since I was so squished, her phone was literally right in my face and I was physically unable to turn away.

So, her friend was super concerned saying something like, “OMG a bomb went off in Port Authority. This is scary. There [sic] checking around the area for blocks. This is crazy”

And the woman in front of me, replies:

“I know, there were no cabs anywhere”

“The train is a nightmare”

“Lyft was 350% surge pricing”

“I hate everyone”

And, then again for good measure:

“No cabs!”

I’m glad she was able to take the fact that a bomb fucking exploded and make it all about how much it was inconveniencing her.
Also, what are you in such a rush for at 9:30 in the morning that you couldn’t be late for? “Bomb” is literally the best excuse for being late, like, I dunno, ever. Late for work? Bomb. You’re good. Late for school? Bomb. No homework. The most important thing I can think of being late for is an interview, and if you were to use the bomb excuse, not only will they completely understand, I’m pretty sure they’ll just give you the job.

So congratulations selfish lady on the train, you had to take the subway to work one day this week, like the rest of us poor, unfortunate souls and for that, you’re the Dog Shit of the Week.

Playoff Recap

#1 Finding Foerster 177.85
#8 BigBrendoBrand 162.00

Shoulda grabbed the over. Timmy’d be buying me drinks at Specks for what I can imagine would be all night. If I win even 20 bucks that has to be like 3 or 4 pitchers of beer right?

Brendo put up a good fight. Case Keenum scored 28 points, DeAndre Hopkins scored 30.90 points, and Leonard Fournette scored 24.90 points. Unfortunately, his defense didn’t show up as Houston, Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram only combined for 16.50 points.

Buckets’ team was just too strong this week. Carson Wentz scored 39.15 points, which is crazy considering he got hurt that game. Michael Thomas, Davante Adams and Kenyon Drake all had 20 or more points. Buckets ended up putting up the 10th best total score for a Quarterfinal playoff game.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 169.80
#7 CheesyGorditaCrunch 137.95

Well, even though both of the top teams were what I would call a “soft 10-3,” they proved they were deserved to be the top two seeds.

#Maini put a 30-point beatdown on JBiggs, thanks mostly to 49.90 points from Dak Prescott. He also got 29.60 points from LeSean McCoy, who somehow rushed for 156 yards, even though he was wearing snowshoes.

JBiggs got a good performance out of Le’Veon Bell (30.50 points) and a decent effort from Drew Brees (23.75 points), but had a couple terrible performances, including 4 yards from Jermaine Kearse and zero points from Amari Cooper.

Speaking of snow, is there anything better than football in the snow? I’m sure everyone’s being saying it. Like, I bet the people on SportsCenter read about it on Twitter, so they talked about it during the show so they could pretend to be cool. I kept wanting RedZone to go back to that game just because football in the snow is so fucking cool. It will make anyone walking by the TV stop in their tracks and start watching. They should pump snow in for this shitty Broncos-Colts game. I would watch that.

#6 FuseLitHugeDick 180.15
#3 Spoiler Alert 104.95

The Dick is huuuuuuuuuuge right now! This blowout was so big I may have to get a sponsor for it…. [Opens Incognito Window] This week’s Biggest Playoff Blowout is sponsored by Lush by Lovense, the app controlled vibrator. That’s right ladies, give your boyfriend the ability to control your vibrator from his phone. Now he can try too hard and not satisfy you when in bed with you AND when he’s away from home.

Everything went wrong for Vegas this week. He came into this matchup as the top scoring team in the league, but he didn’t have Ezekiel Elliott (suspended for being a misogynist asshole) or Gronk (suspended for being a meathead idiot). Vegas got a great game from Antonio Brown, who had 200 yards receiving, but that was the only player on his team who had a good game. He had nine players in single digits, and his quarterback, Derek Carr, only had 14.55 points.

Timmy, on the other hand, put up the 8th highest quarterfinal score in Toppa League history. He had eight players in double digits. His defense (Dallas, Deion Jones, and Lavonte David) combined to score just under 50 points, and Jamaal Williams tacked on 23.80 points for good measure.

#4 Tiger’s Wood 166.05
#5 PowerFranks Gore 134.35

Here I’d like to pinpoint the exact moment I lost this matchup:

Here’s a different angle:

That’s 4 minutes into the first game of the fantasy playoffs, my best player getting speared in the head. My team never really recovered. My team put in a decent effort; I had nine players in double digits, including 25.50 points from Todd Gurley. Unfortunately, my favorite quarterback, Kirk Cousins played the game of his life, with a stellar 151 yards passing, 1 TD and 1 interception. Just kidding. He sucks. I hope Kirk Cousins gets no Christmas presents.

JD had a great week from Russell Wilson, who continues to be the best player in fantasy, scoring 37.55 points. The 26.55 points from Kareem Hunt didn’t hurt either. That figures since on draft day, I took Spencer Ware, whomst I didn’t know had exploded his knee, and then JD took Hunt with the very next pick.

It’s okay though. Boom Boom is only a couple points back in her ladies dinner pick ‘em league. I’m throwing all my rooting interest behind her. She’s gonna take the crown this year, and I’m gonna get those leftovers. #TeamDoggieBag

Props Over Here:

  • Kirk Cousins >300 yards passing now that my team no longer relies on him: Yes (-400) / No (+350)
  • Minutes I watch of Broncos-Colts: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Tom Brady >300 yards passing: Yes (-300) / No (+250)
  • Patriots team rushing yards: 200 yards Over (-200) / Under (+140)
  • Miller Lites drank by Woody during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-110) / Under (+120)
  • Miller Lites drank by #Nick during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-800) / Under (+1000)
  • I get my Christmas shopping done by the end of this weekend: Yes (+300) / No (-265)
  • Timmy has started his Christmas shopping by the end of this weekend: Yes (+900) / No (-1200)

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood

We’ve got a matchup between the last two Toppa League champions. JD is now the highest scoring team left in the playoffs and is looking to make it back to the Toppa Bowl for the 4th year in a row. But #Nick is still riding that #MainiMagic.

Previous Matchup: JD and #Nick didn’t meet until Week 11 of the season, and JD beat #Nick 155.10 to 141.85. JD got 40.50 from Russell Wilson and 32.00 points from the LA Chargers defense. #Nick had amazing days from Keenan Allen and LeSean McCoy, both scoring 30+ points, but he got negative points from Dak Prescott and Austin Hooper (-0.75 and -0.10, respectively), and only 0.70 from Taylor Gabriel as well.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who scored the most points in fantasy last week. Keenan Allen, who had emerged as a monster the last 4 weeks. Over that time, he has 547 yards receiving and 4 TDs. He’s the number 2 wide receiver in fantasy across that span, second only to Antonio Brown. LeSean McCoy, who had 29.20 points last week and is matched up against the Miami defense who has given up 11 double-digit-scoring RBs.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who somehow scored 37 points last week even though he ony threw for 270 yards and had 3 picks. Not bitter. At all. Kareem Hunt, who may have gotten his early season mojo back. JuJu Smith-Schuster, whose 36.30 point week in Week 8 is looking more like an outlier. He only had one other week all year with double-digit fantasy points, and that was just 10 points. But this week, he’s going up against a Pats defense that I never really, ever doubted, but if I were to doubt them, I would say, maybe the defense was never really that good and they just played a bunch of really bad teams and they have a ton of injuries and if I were the type to worry about the Pats defense I would be worried about them right now, but since I’m not that type of person and, again, never, ever doubted the defense, I’m not worried.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#1 Finding Foerster vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick

And in the other conference championship game, we’ve got two never-before Champions. The Toppa Bowl will have one team looking for their first-ever championship. Buckets is looking to get back to the Toppa Bowl and redeem last year’s loss. Timmy is looking to get to the Toppa Bowl for the first time ever.

Previous Matchup: Way back in September, in Week 4, Timmy beat up on Buckets 156.95 to 110.15. Both teams looked completely different back then, however. Timmy rode Aaron Rodgers, who had 4 TD passes (on only 179 yards!) to victory, along with some help from Bilal Powel (36.00 points). Buckets on the other hand was still calling his team Satin & Lace Eddie. It was a pretty lackluster performance from his team. The only player scoring over 20 points was the Jacksonville defense (23.00 points) and he had eight players with single digit fantasy points. The next week he changed his team name and went on to win 9 of his next 10 matchups.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who has scored a total of 58 points from 334 total yards and 2 TDs, in his last two games. With Carson Wentz out for the season, Buckets has to replace the second best player in all of fantasy with… Matt Stafford. It’s actually not as bad as you think. Stafford is the 8th best QB in fantasy and is averaging 25 points per week.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Good God! Thats A.A.Ron’s music! He’s back after missing 7 weeks on the IR. He was averaging 31 points per game until he got hurt. I know he just had like 15 pins removed from his shoulder, but I know enought to not bet against A.A.Ron. This could swing the playoffs. Jamaal Williams, who has scored 28, 25 and 23 points in his last three games.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the East and West Lot Championships! The winners go to the Toppa Bowl!

Thankfully this year’s final four won’t be getting T-shirts because no one will be able to coordinate with Bucket’s burner phone. Buckets, #Maini, JD and Timmy set your lineups. Oh look, we have Saturday football too! The Bears are at Detroit (-5.5) at 4:25 and then the LA Chargers (-1) travel to KC to take on the Chiefs for the AFC West.


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2017 Power Ranks – Divisional Playoff Preview

Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

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Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

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Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

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Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

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Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

  • Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
  • #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
  • JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
  • Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
  • “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
  • WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

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After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

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It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

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Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 12

It’s still November for one more day, so we’re not gonna talk about Christmas yet. I stumbled upon an amazing little Thanksgiving trick this year: The Walkthrough. You know how the day before a game, teams have practice where they just walkthrough the plays and don’t tackle or even run around. That’s what we did this year.

We go over a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and that friend hosts a lot of people who come from out of town. Since the house was filled with so many people, they cooked a big dinner on the Wednesday night. It was nothing fancy. It was just pasta and salad. But, I figured out it enabled me to get some reps in the night before the big day.

All the food was put in the exact same place as the food was going to be on Thanksgiving, including plates and silverware. So I got me some reps moving around the buffet. I made the mistake of putting too much pasta on my plate and didn’t leave enough room for salad. But on game day, I didn’t make the same mistake. It was basically like when Malcolm Butler got beat on that goal line play in practice the day before the Super Bowl, and then made the game winning interception on the exact same play. Me too. I won the Super Bowl. My plate was perfectly proportioned on Thanksgiving, with no empty spaces, but not too much overlap either. I’m going to Disneyland!

I managed to get a few practice drinks in too. Pro tip: don’t get hammered the night before Thanksgiving, unless you’re, like, 22. The food is too good to be hungover. But I did have a few drinksy drinks on Wednesday. You get to figure stuff out. Okay this is where the beer will be in the fridge. This is the guy who brought the really good beer, lemme be friends with him for tomorrow. Oh the red wine is terrible, I’ll be sure to bring a couple bottles. This stuff is important. When the bright lights come on, and the whistle blows, you gotta be prepared.

You also get to practice the seating arrangements. I sat next to this super lame guy during dinner on Wednesday. He wouldn’t stop talking about all this stupid stuff and showing me shit he saw on Facebook. So on Thursday, I made sure not to sit next to my dad.

It’s also great because I got the 10-minute catch up out of the way with a bunch of people. Thanksgiving was catch up free. It was on to meaningful conversations like the weather.

So there you go. Little life hack for you there. I just disrupted Thanksgiving as we know it.

Dog Shit of the Week

Michael Crabtree. Look, you’re in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Your team hasn’t been playing well lately. You can’t go into a big game and just start a fight and get kicked out. You’ve gotta be smarter than that. This isn’t about you, this is about your team, BigBrendoBrand. You can’t get kicked out and put up a 0, when Brendo needs you to make the playoffs. Brendo lost by 11 points, and that’s on you Michael Crabtree.

I have a few observations about this fight, which you can watch all of, here:

Michael Crabtree has been deemed as the instigator of the fight because on the play previous to the melee, he “punched Chris Harris Jr. in the stomach.” If you watch the play, he just blocks him. Like, waaaaaaay too aggressively, but I didn’t see a punch. And then it cuts to Harris Jr. being on the ground. You know what that means? Dick punch. Look, you’re a football player, you take helmets to the gut and land on your head every single play. You’re not gonna roll around like a soccer player because someone punched you in your tummy. You only get that pissed if you get punched in the cash and prizes.

Kevin Harlan during this is great. Rich Gannon is going “Oh that’s stupid. We can’t have that. Don’t do that.” Meanwhile, Harlan goes “…and we HAVE A FIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” and couldn’t be more excited about. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing lefts and rights in the booth, jumping up and down, while Rich Gannon slowly shakes his head.

Clearly the networks loved this fight too, because CBS, Fox and both RedZone channels cut to this fight too. “We bring you to Oakland now where, no both of these teams still stink, but we gots fightin!”

Michael Crabtree is fucking crazy. He sized up Aqib Talib WHO WAS WEARING A HELMET and was decides, yup, I got this, lets throw some hands.

You know shit is totally nuts if Marshawn Lynch is the one playing peacemaker.

This poor guy (watch at 1:49 to see the full force of the hit):

That’s a blown out ACL, MCL, LCL, CCL, FCL, and XCL.

And what the fuck is this guy doing (1:55)??!

Is he trying to tie his shoes together??

Week 12 #PowerRankings

After this weekend’s matchups, we have 6 teams who have clinched playoff spots and now have 3 teams eliminated from the playoffs. That means we have 3 teams left vying for 2 playoff spots.

12. Beat Micho-gan (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Look, the trifle was good. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It ended up being the perfect late-night, super-drunk, post-draft dessert. But, this season for JeffWho is like he emptied that big bowl on draft night, and then proceeded to fill it with layer after layer of shit all season long. Each week, when he set his fantasy lineup, it was like he pulled the bowl out of the fridge, dropped his pants, and squeezed out another layer. There were even some bloody poops that took the place of the strawberry layers: Weeks 6 & 7 he scored 78 and 86 points, then in Weeks 9 and 10 he scored 87 and 85 points. Gotta keep the layers even. JeffWho averaged a league-low 109 points per week, and scored the least amount of points in three different weeks. He scored more than 125 points ONCE all year. Next year’s team name: Poop Triffle

There’s also history in play. The lowest point total for the season in the history of Toppa League is 1394.70 points. Right now, JeffWho has 1285.70. My Woody math tells me, that if he fails to score 109 points this weekend against Timmy, he will be the lowest scoring team in Toppa League history. Currently, he’s projected to score 110.70 points.

11. Patsfaninthecloset (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Micho had a nice little run, winning two of his last three games. He also scored around 150 points in his last two in a row. This past weekend, he went back to his old ways, scoring only 118 points and losing by 3o points. It’s time for Micho to put in the young guys and see what he’s got to build on for next year.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (91.67% chance of making playoffs)

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Tiger’s Wood; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator*: JBiggs is pretty much in. If either of the two above scenarios happen, he clinches a playoff berth. However, if JBiggs loses AND Woody wins, there will be a 3-way tie for the final two playoff spots, with all three teams being 5-8. The seeding is then figured out with total points, where JBiggs has a 33.3 point lead on Brendo. So, as long as Woody vs. Brendo isn’t a slobberknocker, where both teams score like, 180+, AND JBiggs doesn’t put up a dud, he’d still be in. In other words:

CheesyGorditaCrunch (would also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Tiger’s Wood AND BigBrendoBrand LOSS, BUT BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is not more than 33.2 points more than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

*The Playoff Computer’s scenarios are correct, but I’m pretty sure there are some other scenarios that could unfold, and the team would still make the playoffs. These may or may not be 100% accurate, but I’ve convinced myself that they make sense, so they’re probably right. Maybe.

9. BigBrendoBrand (66.67% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So, the flipside of all the stuff I said above. Brendo basically has to try and score as many points as possible this weekend. Best case, he scores a bunch, beats Woody, and clinches a playoff spot. Best, BEST case, he scores the most points of the week, clinching a playoffs spot, but also gets a payout. Next best case, he scores a bunch, loses, but it’s enough to make up the 33.3 point difference between him and JBiggs, but in this scenario he also would need JBiggs to lose. So:

BigBrendoBrand (I think might also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Dessert First AND a CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is 33.4 points higher than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

OHBYTHEWAY, JBiggs owns the tie-breaker over Brendo because he beat him head-to-head in Week 8. So, if by some magical occurrence, Brendo scores exactly 33.3 more points than JBiggs this weekend, JBiggs gets the playoff spot.

8. Halftime in Cinci (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

PWood hasn’t scored less than 129 points per week since Week 4. He’s averaged 138 points per week and is going to finish in 4th place in total points scored. PWood was truly the unluckiest team of the year. He’s going to finish as the top team in points against him, by a full 10 points per week. He’s been on the receiving end of the Highest Score of the Week 3 times. And the second highest another two more times. The closest thing I can find to this is back in 2012 when JD’s team both scored and gave up 2000 points, but that team got the 8th seed and made it to the Toppa Bowl. PWood’s team is truly, historically unlucky.

Oh well, time to put in Kyle Love.

7. Dessert First (41.67% chance of making playoffs)

Dessert First CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand -AND- Tiger’s Wood LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So I’m not sure Woody needs BOTH of these things to happen. Woody has 30.35 more points on the season than Brendo. If he were to beat Brendo, and follow me on this one, then he’d still have more points than Brendo. So if Woody wins, both teams go to 5-8, and Woody gets the 8th spot over Brendo, on total points. And there’s no way he makes it if he loses, so:

Dessert First (I’m pretty sure) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand

This would be pretty insane if Woody made the playoffs. He started the season with the second lowest score of the year, and only put up 118 points the following week. He then scored the second highest score of the year. And then before last week, he had lost 5 in a row. And somehow, if he wins a game that HewittLines.co.au/nfl/fantasy/lines/week12/toppa has him favored by 5 points, he’ll make the playoffs.

Watch, Woody’s gonna get a high score of the week, get paid, make the playoffs, and then end up beating one of #Maini or Buckets’s smoke-and-mirrors, first place teams in the first round of the playoffs. How has nobody else noticed how rigged this shit is?

6. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD’s peaking just at the right time. He’s won 5 of his last 6 and he’s scored at least 150 points in five of those matchups. (That sentence is stupid. The reason it seems weird when you read it is because in one of the five games he won, JD did not happen to score 150+ points. But then last week, he did score 150+ points, but he lost. Therefore, I end up writing a sentence that is correct, but makes your head hurt when you read it. Blame JD for that.)

5. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

In the last 4 weeks, Timmy’s been incredibly inconsistent. He’s won two and lost two. In his wins, he’s averaging 162 points. In his losses, however, he’s averaged under 95 points per matchup. The good news is, if this trend continues, he’ll lose this week, in a matchup that doesn’t really matter to him, but then win the following week in the first week of the playoffs.

4. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

It was a great team win. We played well in all three phases. Overall, we did what we had to do to get that victory. We need to prepare hard during the week, so that we can get ready for the next game ahead of us. It’s all about everyone working hard, everyone contributing, everyone doing what you need to do. You do the things you need to do, so that when the time comes, you’re ready. So until then we’re just going to keep working hard and just keep looking at that next game ahead of us.

3. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

I feel like nothing sums up this weird Buckets and #Maini run more than Woody’s text updating us of our season’s payouts:

“#Maini and RalBuckets got nothing” But they’re both 9-3 and tied for first!! I don’t get it. Since Buckets changed his team name in Week 5, #Maini and Buckets are a combined 13-3. They were in the top 3 in scoring ONCE during that stretch (#Maini scored the third-most points in Week 7).

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Some more #MainiMagic and #NameChangerGameChanger stupidness: #Maini and Buckets have the 9th and 7th lowest point totals for the season. They have the least and second-least points scored against them. #Maini has an average of 117 points scored against him each week. That’s almost 16 points less than the leaguewide weekly average!

1. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Going into the final week of the regular season, Vegas is scoring a league-high 153 points per week. He won his second matchup in a row last weekend while putting up the highest score of the week. It’s the third time he’s done that this season, putting up over 195 points each time. Vegas had a little hiccup a couple weeks back, but it looks like he’s also peaking at the right time going into the playoffs.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

DeSantis Bowl!!!! With everything on the line…. for JBiggs. Back in Week 2, when I was complaining that we need a DeSantis Bowl with stakes, this is the shit I was talking about! If JBiggs wins, he clinches a playoff berth. If JD wins and #Maini, Buckets and Vegas all lose, he’ll get the number one seed. Plus, look at this line:

Dead even! They’re both projected to score 133.73 points. I love it!

But there’s an even bigger matchup this weekend. Dessert First takes on BigBrendoBrand in a game with playoff implications for both teams. This game is so big they decided to put 5th place PowerFranks Gore taking on 1st place #Brady40MainiHorny at 1pm and flex Woody and Brendo’s matchup into the Sunday Night marquis game. Woody wins, he’s in. I think. Brendo wins, he’s in. That, I’m pretty sure about. Woody wins, Brendo might be in. Shit is getting real! I might care about this matchup more than my own this weekend.

Be sure to set your lineups. Washington (-1.5) is at Dallas. Dallas is wearing their White on White ColorRush unis. The R-words are reportedly refusing to wear their all yellow ColorRush uniforms. Instead, they said, that if they wear any matching uniforms at all, it will be burgundy on burgundy. I guess Washington fears an all-yellow jersey would confuse fans into thinking they were racist towards other skin colors, and want to reassure everyone that they are explicitly racist towards Native Americans only. You don’t go against ColorRush. So you know what, Dallas +1.5.

Have a great weekend!


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 10

I was out of town all weekend and only got back late Tuesday, so I’ve decided to take this week off. Instead, I’m going to put up a full post on Tuesday that will serve as a sort of combo-post for this week and Thanksgiving, since my Thanksgiving posts are always short anyway. Whose got time to write when there’s all that eating to do? Clearly never me.

Here are this week’s updated #PowerRanks with playoff odds:

Week 10 #PowerRankings

Three teams punched their ticket to the Toppa League Playoffs this weekend. No one has been completely eliminated yet, so everyone else is “technically” in it.

12. Beat Micho-gan (18.26% chance of making playoffs)

Gross.

11. Dessert First (24.06% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has lost 4 in a row and is only averaging 118 points in those games. Woody now has less than a 1 in 4 chance of making the playoffs. If he misses them, it will be the first time in Toppa League history he didn’t make the playoffs.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (62.32% chance of making playoffs)

9. Patsfaninthecloset (3.8% chance of making playoffs)

Micho was beating me by 13 points heading into Monday night. We both had a Carolina receiver left to play (I had Devin Funchess. He had Curtis Samuel.). About an hour before kickoff, he sent me this:

I thought it was pretty risky to start the trash talk when there was still a chance he could lose, even if Yahoo said that chance was only 11%. Cut to Curtis Samuel getting hurt and Funchess scoring a touchdown on the same drive. I sent Micho this:

He went to bed.

8. Halftime in Cinci (3.5% chance of making playoffs)

Both Micho and PWood put up 150 points this week, and lost. If it wasn’t going to happen this week, it’s probably not gonna happen at all.

7. BigBrendoBrand (92.4% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore -AND- Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

6. Spoiler Alert (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

5. FuseLitHugeDick (97.53% chance of making playoffs)

FuseLitHugeDick CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over PowerFranks Gore; OR
  • CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

4. PowerFranks Gore (98.53% chance of making playoffs)

PowerFranks Gore CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS  -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS

3. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

#MainiMagic continues. #Nick only scored 93 points this week and somehow still got the win. He now is 8-2 and has the third lowest point total in the league.

2. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD is peaking at the right time. He’s won four in a row and is averaging 166 points in those four weeks.

1. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Six. Six in a row. This is insane.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

BigBrendoBrand takes on PowerFranks Gore in a matchup that has playoff implications for both teams. If I win, I’m in. If Brendo wins, he has a chance to clinch, but needs help to do it. If Spoiler Alert takes care of business against Dessert First, Vegas clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for FuseLitHugeDick going up against CheesyGorditaCrunch. And finally, 2-8 Halftime in Cinci takes on 3-7 Beat Micho-gan in a loser leaves town match.

Set your lineups, Tennessee takes on Pittsburgh (-7). We had a chance recreate the second-best color rush game of all time, when Tennessee, playing in baby blue, took on Jacksonville in their mustard yellow, but Pittsburgh has opted to play in black, instead of all yellow. A missed opportunity.

Have a good weekend. I’ll have a post about turkey early next week.