James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!

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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 15

I’ve noticed a lot of heartfelt commercials lately. I don’t know what it is. Why do these commercials have to be so sad? Back in my day, a commercial during a football game consisted of a giant Ice Train that delivers COLD BEER and LADIES IN BIKINIS. Those were the good old days. Are they trying to make us feel bad for watching football? Are they trying to appeal to The Women? Here’s a couple examples of the ridiculous stuff I’ve been seeing during football games.

Heartfelt Message: Even referees are people too. Be nice to them.

Listen here you fucking assholes. After working a full shift delivering mail, George Mazzioni spent his Friday night driving 1 hour and 20 minutes to Pawkahassett and refereed a High School football game for $50 bucks. The guy was consistent all night and made the right call here. The receiver did not maintain possession while getting both feet in bounds. By the time he had control of the ball, his foot was out of bounds. Clearly not a catch. George went by the book. Always does. Now all he wants to do is get home to his wife and 3 kids, who have been been waiting up to see their daddy so he can tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. He wants to then have a small, kind conversation with his wife while she finishes her wine. Then after she goes to bed, he’ll open a cold Miller Light, sit in his favorite chair, put up his feet and watch a little bit of TV before he has to wake up and get back to the grind. But George can’t do that now, because his car broke down and to top it all off, it’s fucking raining. So move the fuck over Blake and Jonas. This man’s worked for everything in his life, unlike you entitled little pricks. Oh boo hoo, a call didn’t go your way for once. Well, the call doesn’t always go your way in life. Maybe you shoulda worked a little harder on your toe tapping in practice and it woulda paid off in the Big Game.

Heartfelt message: Support the troops. Gotta support the troops.

This is the most amazing logistical feat of our time. Are you kidding me? They took Christmas lights and strung together “Welcome Home Julia” that was big enough to be seen from 20,000 feet. It took me 45 minutes to string up my tree with 3 strands of lights.

And none of those strands went out?! You’re telling me that not one bulb went out and Julia’s little brother didn’t have to go through the entire length of “Home” bulb-by-bulb, taking one out and replacing it and seeing if the whole thing lit back up?

Also what if she didn’t look? How did her parents know she had an aisle seat? What if she was in the bathroom? What if she was drinking away all the fucked up shit she’d seen in the war and passed out? I’m just saying there’s a lot of moving pieces at play here.

Heartfelt message: Apple is the most amazing, inspiring, beautiful, amazing company ever.

Okay. Slow your fucking roll, Apple. Get the fuck over yourselves. Your little expressive messages are, at best, neat. I’m not wiping fucking tears away from my eyes because someone texted me “Sup.” accompanied by lasers.

And you do not need to waste a full minute of my time with some serious ass music to say “Hey, those texts you send? Now you can do even more useless shit with ’em.” Wanna know what’s “Practically Magic”? If you popped one of those balloons and there was a phone inside. And that phone had a picture of the Queen of Diamonds, which was a card that I pulled 10 minutes before you blew up that balloon and released it into the city air. Then that shit would be worth a minute of my time.

Heartfelt Message: Season’s Greetings from your friendly neighborhood bank.

Fuck that! Will the big banks never stop stealing from us?!? Where does their greed end?!! They are literally stealing the noses off of our faces! And then eating them!! Oh, then they pull into town and give out a few gifts, but that’s just a charity obligation that they can use as a tax right off. Meanwhile Frosty’s left out in the cold missing half his fucking face.

On to the weekend recap…

East Lot Championship Game

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 105.80

Buckets had his best game of the season and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He got great play from almost his entire team. Only Jimmy Graham (3.10), Tevin Coleman (5.60) and Barry Church (5.50) failed to score in double digits for his team. Of his other players, four (Cam Newton, Golden Tate, Jarvis Landry and the Buffalo defense) scored more than 20 points.

On the other side, JBiggs’s team was a disappointment. Only three players scored more than 10 points (Aaron Rodgers, Tahir Whitehead, and the Houston D), and A.A.Ron managed just 15.50 points, which was 10 points less than his projected score. In fact, nine of his twelve players underperformed their projected scores, and the three that managed to outscore their projections, did so by less than a point each.

West Lot Championship Game

#7 Wide Right 143.05

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 84.60

JD got 31.65 points from Russell Wilson, 20.00 points from Jonathan Stewart, 32.00 points from the Miami defense, and 15.00 points from his kicker, Dan Bailey, and that was pretty much all he needed to cruise to victory and punch his ticket to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row.

He didn’t need much more than that to beat Woody, who had a terrible weekend. In fact, those 4 players alone were enough to beat Woody by 14 points. Woody only had 2 players (Frank Gore and Steven Gostkowski) score more than their projections and not a single player on his team scored more than 19 points. Touchdown Tommy did not live up to his namesake, as TFB only scored 7.30 points and didn’t throw for a TD. Also, Woody’s three WRs combined for under 7 points, Tyler Eifert couldn’t manage 1 point, and Woody’s team defense (Green Bay, Paul Posluszny, and Khalil Mack) combined for only 20 points.

Props Over Here

  • Bryce Petty INTs: 2.5 Over (-200) / Under (+120)
  • Odell Beckham Jr has another 8-yard slant that goes for a long TD: Yes (-120) / No (+150)
  • Number of people who throw up at Christmas Eve Family Dinner after spending all day at Cappy’s watching the Pats: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-200)
  • That person who throws up is Brendo: +600
  • First person to show up at Cappy’s:
    • Micho (-300)
    • Vegas (-120)
    • Brendo (even)
    • Woody (+200)
    • PWood (+400)
    • Timmy (+1500)
  • Does Cappy’s have those poker chips they give you when someone buys a round? Chips (-1000) / Plastic Cups (+650)
  • A team scores under 100 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+145) / No (-120)
  • A team scores over 200 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My man Scott Hanson is wearing a Santa Hat while hosting Red Zone: Yes (+400) / No (-350)
  • Did I give my family better presents than they gave me? Yes (-200) / No (+135)
  • Boom Boom will be able to wait until Christmas Day to open another present currently under our tree: Yes (+350) / No (-200)

Toppa Bowl

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This is what it all comes down to. Who will show up to Toppa Draft VII wearing a Championship Belt?

#7 Wide Right (6-7) vs #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)

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This line is pretty exciting. A PICK in the Toppa Bowl! Two flawed but evenly matched up teams. It’s great! Right now the projected score has JD eking out a win by less than two points. The belt is up for grabs. It’s anyone championship to take home. It all comes down to who wants it more… No it doesn’t. It’s completely dumb luck at this point, but it’s still fun!

It tells you how fucking whacky fantasy football is that the combined winning percentage of the two teams in the Toppa Bowl is .423. This would be like if the Houston Texans played the Redskins in the Super Bowl this year.

But not to take anything away from these two teams (I want to take everything away from these two teams, I’m very bitter), we’re going to have a new Toppa Champion this year. JD makes it back to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row and the fourth time in six years. Of course, in all three trips to the Toppa Bowl, JD has come up short. In the first inaugural Toppa Bowl in 2011, he lost to Woody by 14 points. In Toppa Bowl IV, he got smashed by a different Wood, losing 169.70-116.55 to PWood. And last year, JD got the closest to tasting the Championship belt, losing by less than 7 points to #Nick.

Buckets has had even less playoff success, with only one win in three trips, until this year.

Previous Meeting: It was a pretty close matchup when these two teams met in Week 8, where Buckets ended up winning 137.20 – 129.25. In fact, the two teams were only separated by 2 points going into Monday night. Both had pretty bad days from their quarterbacks, as Cam Newton put up only 15.90 points and Russell Wilson scored an even worse 11.75. Both teams had a great day from one of their WRs: Dez Bryant scored 25.30 for JD and Michael Crabtree put up 18.80 for Buckets, but both team’s other two receivers averaged under 5 points. Both teams had solid days from their RBs and great play from their team defenses. The difference in the end, was Buckets had Gronk who scored 26.90 points. JD couldn’t keep up, with an 8.80 point day from Delanie Walker.

Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson. It always comes down to quarterback play and no one has been more inconsistent lately than Hustle & Bustle Wilson. He scored 31.65 points last week, but then 9.90 points the week before. The week before that, he scored 21.75, but 11.00 the week before. And then the week before that, he scored 31.00 points. JD has to hope Wilson doesn’t keep the trend going and have a down week this week. He’s matched up against Arizona, who I can’t figure out anymore; Jonathan Stewart, who put up 20.00 points last week and is matched up against a porous Atlanta defense.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who is also matched up against that terrible Atlanta defense. Cam threw for 300 yards last week for the first time since Week 2; Jarvis Landry, who has gone for 100+ yards in back-to-back games, but is matched up against a tough Buffalo defense who is…heh fighting… haha.. for the… ha… playoffsHAHAHAHA.

One historical note, the East Lot Champion has gone on to win last two Toppa Bowls. Just one more piece of history working against JD. But maybe this is the year he breaks the streak!

Okay JD and Buckets, set your lineups. It all comes down to this. The Giants are at Philadelphia (+2.5) tonight. Most of the games are on Christmas Eve, so be sure to ignore your families and pay attention to the games. If you have to do some last minute shopping on Saturday, forget it, they didn’t need presents anyway, you’re in the Toppa Bowl. Families come and go, but glory is forever.

Everyone have a safe and awesome Christmas.


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Toppa Draft VI Invite Power Rankings

I received this year’s Toppa Draft invite in the mail a few weeks ago. And when I did, I immediately stuck the mailman. YOU DON’T BRING THAT WEAK SHIT ACROSS THE MIDDLE, BOY!

WOOOO! Football. Is. Back! Except it’s not. Because everybody’s favorite ginger couldn’t manage to put on an annual event that always takes place at the same goddamn venue. Turns out someone used the wrong paint on the field, which then didn’t dry quickly enough. Then someone had the bright idea to try and quickly dry that paint by “heating up the field.” A field that’s made of rubber. Then, on top of melting the field using a hair dryer, they then tried to cover up their mistake by throwing TURPENTINE on the field. Great Googly Moogly!

What a colossal fuck up. I hope they refund every single fan’s money and take it out that stupid fucking ginger’s paycheck.

Anyway, if I’m cursing at Roger Goodell that means that football season is upon us, and that means: Toppa Draft is almost here! And I’ve been getting ready:

TMFFL I’m practicing 10-foot sprints starting from sitting on a stool. Got get up to the board before that YouTube video, “CLOCK” is over.

TMFFL I’ve been eating nothing but yogurt for the next two weeks to build up those live cultures to improve my gastrointestinal track.

TMFFL I’m Mock Drafting like it’s my job. Which reminds me, at work, I’ve found that staring at spreadsheets filled with players and stats, it looks like I’m doing work:

Hey, Rhys, whatcha working on?

Oh, I’m just going through this spreadsheet of names and statistics. Definitely for work. I’m thinking pretty hard about Lavonte David for the IDP account.

TMFFL I’ve been watching Stranger Things on Netflix. This has nothing to do with Toppa Draft, it’s just a really fucking good TV show and you should watch it.

TMFFL I’ve been looking up cookie recipes. Last year’s dessert did not cut it. I will not let the league down again.

TMFFL I created a Snapchat Geofilter for the draft:

Screen Shot 2016-08-08 at 5.22.19 PM

And yes, I made the area look like a dick.

TMFFL I’ve bought my train ticket to Rhode Island. That’s right, SOLO ticket. The dog and the old lady are staying in NYC. #ManTime

TMFFL Oh, and I did a Power Ranking of all the pictures in this year’s Toppa Draft invite.

Toppa Invite #PowerRanks

12. Vegas

IMG_3915

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: 120 Unopened Beers

Excitement Level: 1

This picture was taken directly after Austin learned TFB’s suspension would be upheld. Look at him. So dejected. He doesn’t even want to drink any of those beers. What’s the point of even going on, man? Don’t worry bud, it’ll be October before you know it.

11. JD

IMG_3911

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: A Single Bud Light

Excitement Level: 7

We should never forget that on this day, JD shaded the fuck out of Barstool:

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10. Rhys-Nice

IMG_3917

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Fireball

Excitement Level: 8

Considering the Pats just smoked the Colts 43 to 22 and I was no longer watching college hockey outdoors in the pouring rain, you could say I was VERY excited in this picture. I was also drunk enough to put on a fucking Luchador mask. That shit does not look comfortable. I can only imagine how much I immediately started sweating once I put that thing on. I probably got a staph infection on my face from whoever wore it before me. Why do they sell NFL branded Luchador masks? Are these big sellers on NFL.com? What other brands are selling Luchador masks?

I’d probably put this picture higher if Woody hadn’t taken it with that piece of cardboard that he wrote “iPhone” on. Also, how you gonna back light a picture? Learn to compose a shot!

Fun Fact: This picture is from the same night which I agreed to do this very blog. That image is the inception of #PowerRanks. And like all births, it took a lot of alcohol for it to sound like a good idea.

9. #Nick

IMG_3918

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Fireball

Excitement Level: 4

4 is the maximum excitement level anyone can have while drinking Fireball. Once it hits your tongue you can feel the excitement draining out of your body. It’s like anti-Will Ferrel. If they made a graph of one’s excitement during all phases of drinking Fireball, it would start very high. You’re so excited you cannot contain yourself. The only outlet for your excitement is shots. It then begins to go down as you watch the bartender pour the shots. You then throw it back and your excitement crashes, as you realize you’ve made an awful decision. It then sinks below zero as you fight off the feeling that you’re going to throw up. The excitement level slowly creeps up , now that the horrible experience is now over. It then gets higher and higher as the dishwashing detergent courses through your veins. It reaches an all time high just seconds before you put your head through a plate glass window.

I can’t think of a more exciting place to drink than under the rotunda at First Beach. Oh wait, I can think of a thousand places better to drink. It might be the worst place to enjoy a drink ever. Now, I understand, it’s a bit better because you’re working and drinking on the job. Sneaky sneaky. But have the decency to drink in the booth, like Toppa would’ve wanted you too. This is why our current #Champion is so low down the list. Also, I have a feeling #Nick is going to be particularly insufferable after winning last year, I had to knock him down a peg.

Now if it was this picture, he’d probably be #1 in the Power Ranks:

IMG_3920

Jesus, I can only look at that picture for so long before I start getting turned on.

8. Woody

IMG_3916

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Miller Light

Excitement Level: 9

Surprise, surprise. Woody’s at his house, sitting on his couch, drinking Miller Light. Kinda feels like Commish is trying a little too hard here. Gotta keep him honest in the #PowerRanks.

Woody also gets minus points for sending me all the images for this post via text.

7. Micho St.

IMG_3914

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: 22 Miscellaneous Light Bottled Beers

Excitement Level: 7

The best part is, you know at least half of those beers are his.

I don’t know how well you guys know Micho, but that face is actually him at a pretty high excitement level. Cocked eyebrow? Are you kidding me? I haven’t seen him that excited since he watching a NASCAR race and a bunch of cop cars flew by.

6. RalBuckets

IMG_3912

Actively Drinking: No

Rinse of Choice: Champagne

Excitement Level: 9

God you can just feel the bromance coming through the screen. I had to put Buckets in the top half of the Power Ranks because I’m genuinely frightened he’s going to beat my ass at any time.

5. Brendo

IMG_3913

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Ice Cold Beer

Excitement Level: -3

Fucks Given: Zero. You gotta love a guy who just gets down to business. “I came here to drink beer and chew bubblegum. And I’m all outta bubblegum.”

4. JBiggs

IMG_3909

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Yeungling Traditional Lager

Excitement Level: 7

Drinking a beer, shades on, thumbs up. Shit is all good.

3. Timmy

IMG_3919

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: AstroBomb

Excitement Level: 9

I’d say Timmy’s pretty excited in this picture seeing how he’s on the clock. But it was Victory over Japan Day after all. You gotta find a way to celebrate. See #Nick, that’s how you do it.

2. PWood

IMG_3910

Actively Drinking: YES

Rinse of Choice: 2 Harpoon Beers at the same time

Excitement Level: 8

I don’t really know what else to say about this picture, except that I experienced this one in person and it was even more glorious than it looks.

1. JeffWho

IMG_3908

Actively Drinking: Yes

Rinse of Choice: Sam Summer

Excitement Level: 10

First off, this will probably be the only time Jeff is at the number one spot. Congrats, buddy.

Next, just look into those eyes.

There’s sheer bliss in those eyes.

They’re mesmerizing.

I feel like you can see into the center of the universe.

I feel like I could just fall into them forever.

JeffWhoEyes2

Huh? What happened? I got distracted there for a minute.

Team Name #PowerRanks early next week. Deadline is Friday for you to set your team name. I guess that’s basically for me and JBiggs. Also, for Raleigh, who hasn’t even signed up yet. What the fuck!? If there’s no Loftus Dip this year, I’m gonna be pissed.

JE11days


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Week 6 Power Rankings

4mCaA

It was my first weekend in a while where I didn’t have plans to go anywhere or do anything. It was nice. I got to just relax. So, I took this opportunity to watch about 50 hours of sports, in my underwear, with a beer, as God fucking intended. My weekend included Premier League Soccer, World Cup Rugby quarterfinals, MLB playoffs, college football and the NFL #bigearssucks. Here are some highlights:

TMFFL “They did that,” Edelman said. “You know, Colts.”

When you practice a play for a year to have “the whole offensive line” penalized for not lining up on the line of scrimmage and have a safety scream for the wide receiver lined up over the ball not to snap it, only to have him snap it and immediately get crushed by 3 guys, you clearly would have no regrets right? Right.

TMFFL After watching a ton of English sports on Saturday morning (double barrel EPL and Rugby World Cup) the one thing I think they do decidedly better than us is commentate. Look at the prose coming from Arlo White’s mouth:

“The steel grey skies cut by the bright white lights here at Vicarage Road. The seasons beginning to change here. The temperature begins to get a bit cooler* and the days begin to get a little bit darker as we move into winter in the Premier League.”

*They never say “hot” and “cold” in England. If it’s 90 degrees, it’s still just “warm.”

That shit makes you want to grab a sweater and a fleece blanket, and watch every fucking Premier League game sitting by a fire. The most we get in America is Al Michaels saying something like “A cool night in Foxborough, as we look at downtown Boston.” Snooze. Fest.

British commentators are also really good at building up tension. I think it’s because the games don’t stop every 15 seconds and never go to commercial. The commentators have to talk for 90 minutes straight so they get into more of a rhythm. They’re not afraid to say nothing for periods of time when it’s just some guy just passing to another guy in the back line. Then when something exciting happens, they can then get really excited (well, as excited as British people get). The result is you feeling like something big is about to happen, even when it results in some guy having a good look and then just roofs it 40 yards over the goal.

TMFFL The rugby refs wear mics so they can talk to the other refs and the guys in the replay booths. I’ve noticed the NFL refs are finally wearing these headsets, but I don’t know how much they use them. I haven’t noticed them communicating any differently. Same stupid huddles over calls. Same watching a replay in that stupid covered photo booth. But, not only does the rugby ref have this mic to communicate with the other refs, his mic also goes through to the broadcast, so you can here everything he says. It’s awesome. You hear him give warnings to the players and make calls as they happen. PLUS you can hear it when he talks to the replay booth. Why don’t we do this with the NFL? I’d much rather listen to the officials talk it over than hear Phil Sims talk about how it looks like a catch when the ball hits the ground.

I mean, they ask Mike Pereira or that black guy with zero personality on CBS for an official opinion on the rules. Why not listen in on the guy actually making the ruling?

AND they wear cameras! Every once and while they cut to the refs point of view and you see what they’re seeing. You see him talking to some huge oaf with no neck and cauliflower ear, telling him not to step on that other dude’s neck. But it’s from his perspective. It’s like you’re there. It’s awesome!

I’m not saying rugby is better than football. I love football. I have English cousins who understand why football is fucking great. But why not take the things that other countries are doing well and make it ours? It’s the American way! We invented the Yellow Line, goddamn it!

TMFFL Joe Buck is literally the most boring announcer ever. I know I’m not breaking any ground here, but it never ceases to amaze me. On a 111-MPH line drive that the Royals shortstop Escobar dove and caught, Buck said “That ball is caught.” He’s like the guy from Major League:

No here, look:

This guy is the number one play-by-play guy for FOX, doing the World Series and Super Bowl. He’s got to be making MILLIONS every year. Why?!?!

But don’t worry, they surrounded him with mediocrity too:

Verducci: Usually when I guy hasn’t been in the stretch for a while in the game, it usually takes him some time to get used to it. But with David Price and the way his wind up is so similar to the stretch, I don’t think that’s the case.
Reynolds: It’s that modified wind-up that’s like the stretch.
Verducci: Yeah, that modified stretch.

So does he modify the stretch? Is that what he’s doing?

TMFFL During the Falcons-Saints game Jim Nance and Phil Sims had this exchange:

Nance: Coming up is the halftime show. Phil, what have we seen in this half?
Sims: ….. Well, everything.

Thanks Phil! Good analysis.

Then, in the Chargers-Packers game, during a highlight of a huge play, Sims goes “Watch the free safety here… well I missed him.” He circled nothing! Just a patch of grass. Then drew some arrows. There was never a free safety on the screen. I’m not saying I was ever a fan of Phil Sims, but he is especially terrible this year. Did he have a stroke and no one noticed because of his stupid hick accent?

CBS then played Gettin’ Jiggy Wit It when San Diego scored. I’m just gonna leave that there.

TMFFL Dan Fouts may have been my favorite this weekend, though. He didn’t care if you thought Peyton Manning has lost it. He was out there too defend him:

Fouts: This doesn’t look like an offense he’s comfortable with.

Right! That’s the reason he looks like he’s throwing to this guy:

duckhunt-1 copy

Dan Fouts spent the whole game blowing Peyton like he was the Peyton Manning from 2006. He threw one good pass and Emmanuel Sanders ran it another 30 yards for a touchdown, and Fouts went off saying something like, “All the Peyton Manning doubters should watch this play!”

At the end of the game, Fouts then got all excited when the Broncos had the ball with a minute left in a tie game, and said it was “Peyton Manning time,” and that “no one is better at going down the field with the game on the line than him.” Manning then threw 3 straight incompletions.

TMFFL Mike Vick took a knee to the head during a play. Ed Hochuli took one look in his eyes, and sent him off the field to be evaluated for a concussion. Troy Aikman then said most of the strides the NFL have been forward. He then goes “Have they gone maybe a bit too far? Probably.” Really?! No one has had their brains scrambled more than Troy Aikman, except maybe Steve Young and Wes Welker. If anyone should be like “You know what, I think it’s good that they’re being extra protective of the players’ brains, because I don’t have mine anymore,” it should be him.

Turns out it was just dirt in Vick’s his eye.

TMFFL This was said about the Buffalo Bills: “They have no zest nor zeal to stop the run and the pass!” I thought that was fun.

TMFFL Did you know Josh and Luke McCown have a brother Randy? And he’s running the family pallet business, M&H crates? That’s amazing. And incredibly fitting. I can see all three of them working there in 5 years, overseeing the building and delivering of pallets.

TMFFL I’m pretty sure I heard a guy say Golden Tate was “Hand savvy.”

TMFFL Green Bay’s throwback uniforms are hideous, but I think they’re kind of dope. Maybe it’s that navy blue and yellow combination and that their hats say “ACME Packers.” Boom Boom pointed out that the unis are bad because “you can see everyone’s swamp ass.” And there goes that.

Dog Shit of the Week

Ollie-jeenings

Rashad Jennings. The scene: I spent the better part of Sunday night getting Brady’d by Brendo. He definitely left me raw and stretched out, but cuddled with me afterwards until the early morning. After a long night, I found myself only down by less than 7 with Rashad Jennings left to play on Monday night. Rashad was predicted to score 7.07 points. Things were looking good. It was gonna be close, but I thought I could squeeze this one out. Well Jennings ended the night with 13 carries for 63 yards and caught 3 balls for 20 more yards, enough to get me 8.3 points for the win. Except Jennings lost a fumble in the second quarter, which brought his total to 5.3 points. Meaning I lost to Brendo by 1.55 motherfucking, goddamn, measly points. ONE POINT FUCKING FIVE POINTS.

Runners Up: The Giants are bad. Their coach is 145 years old. Do you think he forgets the players’ names sometimes? The Giants probably suck so bad because they have to end practice at 3:45pm so Tom Coughlin can go have dinner and then watch NCIS: New Orleans. The had 12 penalties on Monday night. Bad teams do that. The Patriots, who are a good team, had 2 on Sunday.

#PowerRankings

12. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 8)

You know how there are regulars in a bar and if you try to sit in their regular seat, the bartender will be like “No, no, no, no, that’s Sully’s seat” ? I kinda feel like that’s what last place in the #PowerRanks has become for JeffWho.

11. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 11)

Timmy lost to Micho thanks to Antonio Brown not having a quarterback capable of throwing him the ball and Bobby Wagner not playing. Welp, he now owes us all beers. And wings? I wasn’t clear on that, and the group text is too long to scroll through.

10. Big D Brady (Last Week 9)

PWood lost to Buckets this week, which is tough to take. It’s not the same as last year where everyone lost to Buckets. This year, Timmy’s the only other team that has lost to Buckets. But PWood, you got a puppy this week, and Griffey clearly wins the #PuppyPowerRanks this week:

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So cute! You know once I got called a fag for saying puppies were cute? What other fucking word can you call puppies? The word “cute” was fucking invented for babies and puppies. That dude probably ended up being a YouTube commenter.

9. OBJYN (Last Week 5)

JD’s record of 3-3 puts him in 6th, but the #PowerRankings know better than that. 119 points drops you down much lower than that.

8. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 12)

Big win this week. Buckets rode his Miami Dolphins to victory. Jarvis Landry, Lemar Miller and the Dolphins D combined for 70.4 points. It’s almost like Raleigh fired his team’s coach too. Also, DeMarco Murray looked very DeMarco-ish this weekend.

7. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 10)

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High score of the Week sponsored by Ring Dings and Blowout of the Week presented by Trustex cola flavored condoms, for when you have a “simultaneous hankering for some soda and some sex”. Now that Arian Foster is back, DeAndre Hopkins having a historic year and Megatron maybe becoming Megatron again, #Nick’s team is looking a bit dangerous. Here’s hoping Brian Hoyer remembers he’s Brian Hoyer this week.

6. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 7)

I guess Mom loves JBiggs more. Does someone have a couch for JD to sleep on?

5. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 4)

So it begins. All hope of my season going well are beginning to get flushed down the toilet one week at a time. It’s like one of those shits where all the pieces never quite seem to go down at the same time. It takes like three or four flushes to get them all down, so that you’re not the gross guy at work who leaves shits in the toilet. That’s what happens when you get a little taste of Hollywood, it all starts to slip away. 2 losses in a row. I’m probably gonna lose to fucking #Nick this week. He’s probably going to send out a snapchat while Megatron catches his third 40 yard bomb with his drunk-ass face and something queer like “Yaaaaaayyy!” Ugh, fucking 9th place here I come.

4. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 6)

All of a sudden our commissioner is looking pretty strong. The fix is in!

And this motherfucker had the AUDACITY to text me and was like “Hey man, Drag Queen Vereen should get Dog Shit of the Week, because I could’ve had the most points ever and he didn’t play well, so I only beat Austin by 30 points. But if he scored 2 more points I could’ve made 50 bucks. Doesn’t that suck?!” Yeah man. That’s the worst. He sucks. That’s too bad. Waaaaaaaaahhhh.

3. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 3)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good job Brendo, 4 wins in a row. Keep it up. All the best and shit. I don’t want to talk about it.

2. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 2)

I thought about giving Micho the top spot here, but even though he won and Austin lost, he failed to score more than Austin did. So second place it is. Plus, Micho texted me for roster advice. Yeah I blew up your spot. I got fucked by 1.5 points! No one is safe.

1. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)

I still gotta give it to Austin here. I really wanted to dethrone him after he received his first loss. But he’s still in first place and has scored over a thousand points this season. He’s averaging 174 points per matchup. This week is a huge matchup as he takes on Micho in the battle for not just first place, but to see who is the biggest portagee of them all.

Don’t forget to set your lineups, Seattle plays at San Francisco (+6.5) tonight. There’s also an early Sunday game in London. Jags play the Bills. Nothing like getting England hooked on American football like sending them our shittiest of shitty teams. That game is apparently only streaming on Yahoo, so be sure to bring your laptop to the bar. Also make your Survivor picks, if you’re still alive. If you’re still alive, I hate you.

I’ll see you all in Newport this weekend. Timmy, you owe me a beer!


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Fridge Space Power Rankings

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I received this last night. This is not me on the shitter, however. I have not yet trained my dog to slide things under the bathroom door for me while I take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Marriage must be great.

I was going to put it up on my fridge, but I’m pretty much at critical capacity for fridge space. I need Gronk to kick some of this stuff out the club to make room.

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In order to figure out what I should remove I decided to rank the stuff that’s already on there and kick out what comes in last. Maybe you don’t care about the stuff that is on my fridge. Well, I don’t care that you don’t care. I’m using this as a chance to practice my blogging craft, and practice makes perfect. I think Alen Iverson said that. Gotta stay in shape during the offseason.

Here we go!

#PowerRanks

14. Invitation: Toppa League Draft

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Toppa League has come and gone. We have a new champion (and much better pictures) and #Nick is no longer relevant. This is the frontrunner for the trash. I don’t need pictures of FatFingered Nick on my fridge anymore. That’s what SnapChat is for. The only thing is, it’s, well, you know, Toppa League. Can I get a March Madness invite to replace this with?

13. Save the Date: Conor & Kate

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This stays only so I remember when Conor and Kate got married. Annnnnd then forget to wish them a happy anniversary. I can’t tell if they purposefully rhymed Save the Date, Conor & Kate. If they did, bonus points. Rhyming gets me every time. Mini power ranks side bar:

  1. Alliteration
  2. Rhyming (but not poems, fuck poems)
  3. Hip hop jargon
  4. Olde English
  5. Putting in zero effort

But part of me thinks that it was just a pleasant accident. No bonus points awarded!

Bonus points for being a magnet, however. I don’t need to waste valuable other magnets to hold this up (yes, you will notice all my magnets are made of beer caps). It can hold OTHER stuff up, like receipts, or small pieces of paper (this magnet is not very strong). Save the Date magnets are where it’s at. Way to fuck that up Maloney.

12. Holiday Card w/ Children: Sean 2014

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They’re not even looking at the camera! I can get my dog to look at the camera. Ugh, terrible parenting.

11. Holiday Card: Woody & Erin 2013

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This one’s getting a little old and may lose it’s spot soon. But I’m in it (twice! That’s my back in the trolley), so who are we kidding?

10. Save the Date: Marjorie & Murph

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This has the upper hand on Conor and Kate because, again MAGNET!, but also is newer and fresher than Conor and Kate AND has the Full House house. Fuck you and your Ledge Road Conor and Kate. Boom! Pop Culture Icon!

Minus points for not using alliteration. It’s right there! No one calls you Patrick!

9. Holiday Card w/ Children Child: Sean 2013

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This is only one of his kids. Even though he totally had two at the time! Honestly though, she’s wicked fucking cute in this picture.

8. Holiday Card w/ Child: Conor 2014

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This is not their baby. This is an Asian baby. Conor and Kate are not Asian. The kid’s name is Ronan. That’s another word for a ninja. Samurai, whatever. Asian.

7. Marriage Announcement: Nye & Lisa

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Fact 1: My Brother and his girlfriend went to South Africa.

Fact 2: They told no one that they planned to get married in South Africa.

Fact 3: They told NO ONE that they planned to GET MARRIED in South Africa.

Fact 4: THEY TOLD NO ONE THAT THEY PLANNED TO GET MARRIED IN SOUTH AFRICA.

Fact 5: They got married in South Africa.

Fact 6: A week after getting home, they sent out this #humblebrag.

6. Invitation: PWood’s Wedding

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Wedding invitations are infinitely less cool than Save the Dates. All these Save the Dates have pictures of the people getting married on them. It makes you go “Aww, look at them. They look so happy! I will definitely save this date on my calendar to celebrate with them.” Wedding invitations are written in fucking calligraphy and spell out everything out. August the Twenty First, Two Thousand and Fifteen. So much superfluous (I just highfived myself for using that word) stuff going on. I don’t need to know your middle name! Of course these people are celebrating “Along with their families”, what family is not going to their kids’ wedding?!? (Mine. Turns out, the answer is mine.)  There’s like seven different pieces of paper involved and each one is some hardcore cardstock. I need 3 fucking magnets to hold it all on there. Just write “Dinner and dancing to follow” and save some fucking trees.

4. Save the Date: Woody & Erin

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It looks like a Celtics ticket! Class. Fucking. Act. I’m going to have to bring the fridge with me when I move out of this apartment because this Save the Date is going to be GLUED to it.

3. Save the Date: Ryan & Liisa

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Obviously this one is high on the list. The list was created for this one, you idiot.

Look at this Goober. Someone is definitely making fun of him while his mom is taking this picture.

2. Picture: Woody Bowl

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Yeah this is getting glued to the fridge too. Extra points for reminding me every time of how Micho took a safety on a high snap by booting the ball out of the back of the endzone.

1a. Picture: Murph’s Wedding (Me, Micho, Woody & Erin)

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Erin makes the same face in every single one of these photos. It’s almost like she’s not as drunk as everyone else or something. Damn, I wanted to steal that horse, but I forgot. Because I was drunk. This also gets bonus points because this has the picture I used for the Doctah Spice billboard.

1. Picture: Murph’s Wedding (Me, Conor, Woody & Ryan)

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All four of these pictures make me laugh. In that last picture, we look like a group of wrestling heels in a Survivor Series match. I fucking love it.

Verdict: Deuces, Toppa League Draft Invite. It was fun while it lasted. The good news is, only 5 more months until your replacement comes.


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Week 5 Power Rankings

It’s like 1776 in this bitch.

And that’s not just because the Patriots beat the Bengals like a red headed stepchild. (That’s extra funny because their quarterback is a fucking ginger!) No, it’s because there was a goddamn revolution in the Toppa League. Us here in the bottom half of the league were tired of being oppressed. We could hear Raleigh, Micho, Josh, Timmy and PWood sitting around, laughing at our expense. Lamest party ever, by the way. We were tired of being laughed at. We were tired of being made fun of. We were tired of being pushed around. We were tired of being the whipping boy. We weren’t gonna take it anymore. Just like the Founding Fathers said to the British: “Fuck you and your overpriced tea!” the bottom 5 teams in the Toppa League said to the top teams: “Fuck you and your overpriced tea!” This obviously left them confused. And that’s when we went to work. And just like the Founding Fathers opened a can of whoopass on the British and their silly red coats, the bottom 5 laid the lumber against the top of the league. Playing the part of Benjamin Frankin was #nickmaini: Fat, drunk, full of syphilis. Justin was John Hancock: didn’t really do a ton, but signed his name all huge to make everyone think he did. Brendo was Samuel Adams, because he was from Boston, liked beer aannnddd….. he had funny tweets? John Adams was played by Jeff Who, because although he was crucial to the revolution, the guy was kind of a whiny bitch throughout it. I, obviously, was Thomas Jefferson: scribe, Renaissance man, lover of black women. Austin was Abraham Lincoln because he WASN’T FUCKING THERE. Loser. Although, I don’t trust Austin to free the slaves. At all.

Dog Shit of the Week

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It’s gotta be Megatron again, right? Once again, Josh could’ve won if he’d had a big game. Not hurt enough to sit out, too hurt to be effective, too good to put on your bench. You know it’s bad when everyone wants the guy to actually miss the next game to get healthy.

Runners Up: Cordarrelle Patterson. This dude had like 30 points on 3 carries in week 1 and everyone felt vindicated for having him as their super-sleeper in the preseason. He’s has less than 20 points in the following 4 weeks.

Also receiving votes: Victor Cruz. Chris Johnson. Raleigh, stop playing this guy. We understand, your team is good. You don’t have to try and rub it in by playing shitty, shitty RBs in your flex spot. It’s not nice. Percy Harvin. How bout 3 touchdowns called back? One of which would’ve gotten a 40-yard-play bonus. I still would’ve won though, Timmy.

Like Paul Revere said: “On to the Power Rankings!”

12. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 10)

Barf! Was this ugly. This matchup ended up being between two better-in-real-life quarterbacks, Tom Brady vs. Matt Ryan (Are we sure Matt Ryan is that good?), and between two receivers, Jeremy Maclin vs… Golden Tate!? No other player for either team scored double digit fantasy points. But a win’s a win Brendo. Here’s to not going O-fer.

11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)

How ya feelin’ Nick? Look all those points. So adorable!

On to a more important issue: Nick’s texting. Nick is either perpetually wasted, or has the fattest fingers ever. (It could be both.) But, he’s also not using a phone with autocorrect? What, does he have a flip phone? Look at this:

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Fortball. Plastwred himsldf. Nraga bowl. It wa a mind teick. Look at all the other texts. No one else’s texts in the group text are this fucked up. I don’t understand!

10. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 7)

Cheer up Austin. All the best teams in the league lost this week. So, since you lost, that means you’re one of the best teams in the league, right? No. No it does not.

9. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)

Giant killer! So… good job for that. Justin’s team still sucks. He has the third worst point total. This team should not be 3-2 and in 7th place. Ugh, whatever.

8. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)

Alright, alright. I think I finally have to move Jeff Who from last place. He did give Josh’s team a thumping, although last week I established that Josh’s team is shit. All the same, he’s 3-2, won 2 straight and has the third highest point total in the league. That’s enough to bring him out of last, right? But no way I’m moving him up to 3rd. Standings don’t matter, you know. Only the #PowerRankings. Just know, Jeff, this is probationary. You do anything to mess this up, and its back to the bottom of the league. If I were you, I would just stay away from Cam Stewart until February.

7. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)

Pey-ton Mann-ing! Clap! Clap! Clapclapclap!  Pey-ton Mann-ing! Clap! Clap! Clapclapclap! Woooo! That boy can sling it! Did you hear he did something special this week? I don’t know what it was though. They didn’t really make a big deal out of it on any the NFL shows. He did something 500 times. Was it his 500th commercial? Sold his 500th pizza? Tucked his jersey into his jeans 500 times? Whatever. Who cares! Peyton’s 55 points got me a win, the Highest Score of the Week (Johnny Football money dance), and the Biggest Blowout of the Week. He might be my new favorite player. And look at him, so handsome!

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What’s that Tommy?

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Awww, buddy. You know I could never replace you. You’ll always be number one to me. Come on, how bout a high-five?

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6. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 3)

So is the wedding still on? Did you guys watch Sunday night’s game in the same place? Did you have to try not to get too excited when Tommy was being old school, kick ass Tom Brady? Were there lots of tiny, secretive fist pumps? Did you talk shit? Was there angry sex afterwards? Was it awesome?

5. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 6)

I thought of more things that are fine worthy. No avatars? FINE! How long does it take to upload a picture? 2 seconds. I counted. Come on. Why did everyone pick that stupid fucking gold helmet? What are you a Notre Dame fan? Fine for that too! They suck!

Also fine for calling shots up for yourself. Happy Birthday Micho, but you can’t do that shit. You can’t sing Happy Birthday to yourself. You can’t buy yourself a present and wrap it for yourself. And you can’t call shots up for yourself. I don’t make the rules man. I just tell the man who makes the rules, to do a better job at enforcing them.

4. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 5)

Josh, look what you did. You lost to Jeff. Then, I had to take him out of timeout. It would’ve been cruel at this point. If you had just beaten him the way you were supposed to, then everything would be fine and we could’ve carried on sticking him in last place and making fun of him. But no. Way to go Josh. Way. To. Go.

3. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 4)

This is like one of those movies where the student learns under the master for a period of time, then goes off into the world and continues to learn the skills. He then comes back years later and must take on his master… and the master kicks his ass! Because he’s the FUCKING MASTER, SON! Respect your elders! I was taking out the trash with John at the beach while you were still in diapers.

2. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 2)

Can’t win em all buddy. Sure, you put up the lowest point total of the week. Sure, you didn’t even break 100 points. Sure, you lost to the worst team in the league. But your still in second place. Maybe relax, have a beer, and forget about this week.

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Just move on to next week like Belichick. You’re on to Switches & Bitches.

By the way, you should totally use this picture as your Tinder, OKCupid, Grindr, Grzzly, Christian Mingle, Fckr, lApp dance, Plenty Of Fish, Ping a Ding, and JDate profiles. Just sayin’.

1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

This was the best reverse jinx I’ve ever made in my life. Possibly, that anyone’s ever made. Not only did Raleigh lose to Justin’s terrible team, he kind of put up a stinker. Like maybe Raleigh was to busy changing Jameson’s diaper and forgot to change his lineup. Get it? Because they were both shitty!! Raleigh’s still the team to beat. He has two best of the four running backs in fantasy and the best quarterback. Fuck.

Long weekend this weekend! Shots up to Christopher Columbus! Who needs those pesky indians anyway. Stupid Redskins. Make sure to make you eliminator pick and set your lineups. The Colts play the Texas Texans from Texas.