The past two weekends have been two of the biggest weekends of the year for me, and maybe even my life. Three weekends ago, BoomBoom made an honest man out of me and decided to keep hanging out with me on a regular basis. The following weekend was Toppa Draft. Let’s compare my wedding and fantasy draft to see which one was the best event of my life.
I didn’t have a…. What is the groom’s version of a bridal party? A groomsal party? A man’s party? A dude group? Sure. I didn’t have a dude group, but I had this great vision in my head of hanging out with my brother drinking bourbon in my backyard, while we waited for the wedding. It would be a nice bonding moment. Instead, I was outside setting up all kinds of flowery things and sweating my tits off in 1000% humidity. I technically did get to have that glass of bourbon with my brother, but it wasn’t quite what I pictured. There I was in my suit, holding two glasses of nice bourbon that my boss gave me for Christmas. I handed one to my brother as he sat down putting on his shoes. As I held my glass out to cheers him, he said “Thanks,” slugged his back then grabbed one of his kids just before they smacked their head on the coffee table.
Toppa Pregame is almost, alllllllllllmost better than the draft. Sitting in the sun, drinking driveway beers, PWood mixtape blasting, eating meat and then meat and then more meat. It’s great. Then we spin the little bingo thing to determine when we spin the bingo thing after we’ve spun the bingo thing. I get why everyone kinda drags their feet before heading into the draft. Why wouldn’t you want to stay outside and chill when the alternative is going up to someone’s attic and smelling farts for 6 hours.
Winner: Toppa Draft
My wedding had a classically trained guitarist who refused to play “Party in the USA”. We forced him to play every classic rock song he knew because I’ll be damned if I have to listen to some goddamn Bach.
Toppa Draft had Buckets rapping “Who’s calling the strippers? Hide the women and children and be sure to call your babysitters.” Combine that with PWood’s playlist that includes City High, Big Tymers, Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz, and Mike Jones, and I think we all can see which music was better.
Winner: Toppa Draft
You will not believe this, but Woody was really, really good at marrying me. He was funny in a couple places but also serious. He had an air of professionalism about him. He ironed his shirt and everything.
Meanwhile at Toppa Draft Woody launched one of the worst farts I’ve ever experienced, and I sat next to him at the lunch table for 12 straight years. I want this on record because I will still get blamed for Rhys Farts, even though I wasn’t too bad this year.
The commissioner’s speech this year left a little bit to be desired this year. It was just an impromptu “Toppa’s awesome. You know what it is.” and then we drank Timmy’s bad champagne.
I had to give the toast at my wedding, which was the first test of me and BoomBoom’s marriage because she knows I hate talking and am awkward, but I gave the toast because I love her and stuff. Just know that we started this “journey together” with me leading 1-0. I kinda blacked out like Will Farrell in Old School and hopefully thanked our families. I probably just said “BoomBoom and RhysNice are awesome. You know what it is.” But then drank $850 champagne.
Winner: Wedding. Because of the champagne
Look, I love Toppa Draft foodstuffs, but I think I might need a fucking vegetable at this point. Can’t we use some carrots and celery sticks to dip into Loftus Dip? Maybe a little side salad with our steak tips? And maybe we don’t need 15 pizzas at 10:30 at night. Like 4 probably woulda done the trick.
This one’s not even close. We only had 14 people at dinner (4 of which were under 6 years old) and had a $3000 minimum to reach, so we ate and drank like kings. We had two raw bar platters and the shrimps were bigger than my wang. I don’t even need to go into the details of everything we ate. All I really need to tell you is that lobster grilled cheeses were involved.
14 Bud Lights out of a pink plastic cup and sips of Dr McGillicuddy,
Someone bringing me Proclamation beers anytime I asked, drinking $180 red wine, and one of the best manhattans I’ve ever had to cap off the night.
Winner: Wedding. Not close.
Because I had (repeat: HAD) to drink as much expensive wine as I could to hit our minimum, I got pretty drunk on my wedding day. The resulting hangover was very bad. The worst part about getting old is you can have only get “pretty” drunk and the resulting hangover is still “very” bad. I then had to hang out with family (2 different ones!!) when all I wanted to do was lie in bed with my dog and listen to Tracy Chapman.
My #ToppaHangover was slightly better. Sure, I still hated myself and found myself almost crying at Instagram posts of puppies, but it wasn’t as bad as the wedding hangover. I mean, it’s probably because I ended up ralphing at 3am because there was 4 slices of Domino’s pizza in my stomach having a Hell in a Cell match with Dr McGillicuddy and some Sour Patch Kids.
Winner: Toppa Draft. Or… no one?
There you have it. My wedding wins 5-3. I have no idea what this says about me.
Post-Toppa Draft #PowerRankings
Can you smell it? Can you taste it? Football is back. I can feel it in my plums. Let’s see how the draft turned out and whose got the best looking team heading into the season.
12. Mud Slide Wood
Best Pick: Wearing a bathing suit to the draft. I personally saw the guy spill two beers in his lap, but who knows how many other beers and steak tips landed there? Literally, who knows? No one. Because he was wearing shorts where it all just wiped away.
So I don’t put any stock in the Yahoo draft grades. It’s not really clear what they’re grading you on. There’s always one pick where I I kinda thought it was a good pick and Yahoo’s like “LOLOLOLOL NAH!!! Our algorithm said that pick was 4 picks to early. Also your mom never loved you.” But when you get a D+, even if the grading system is flawed and stupid, you still have to take some of the blame. It’s like when I was a teacher. Sure, I didn’t give a shit and just tossed all the homework for an entire quarter onto a stack on my desk and never looked at it until the day before grades were due, and then I just checked it off and then threw it away, but you cut class twice a week, failed every test and told me to “Suck your Warburton,” so that F? That’s still on you.
11. The White Boyz
Best Pick: I’m pretty sure it’s not Derrick Henry
I know it really doesn’t matter, but I’m super annoyed that Jeff Who took Christian McCaffrey with the last pick in the 1st round, THEN took Julio Jones with the fist pick in the 2nd round. It’s just not right. McCaffrey is not a first rounder. Julio is a big time player who needs big time respect. Also, almost half of Jeff Who’s team is white. It feels a little racist. Like Jeff’s one or two more players away from going on about how his team shows respect for the flag and would never even think about kneeling.
10. Sauce on the Side
Best Pick: Drew Brees in the 6th. All the fantasy wonks are talking about how he might have a down year, but Drew Brees is gonna throw for 4000 yards until he’s 75 years old. Sure he’s got the best running back tandem in the league, but Drew’s arm is like that episode of Rick and Morty where Morty gets the giant mutant arm that’s really good at killing people. In the huddle Drew’s gonna be like, “Now I know coach said for us to run out the clock, but Righty McArmington here says he hasn’t thrown for 300 yards yet, so why don’t we sling it around the field a bit more. ZX33 wide right go, on 1. Break!”
9. Woken KMICHO
Best Pick: Whatever his computer said was a good pick
So not only did Micho take 2 quarterbacks, 2 tight ends, 2 defenses, 2 kickers, and 2 IDPs… he took 3 players coming off ACL tears (Deshaun Watson, Dalvin Cook, Julian Edelman), one of which is suspended for the first 4 games. So you’re going to carry your backup quarterback, tight end, defense, kicker and IDP the whole season right?
8. Chef Poissonier Rae
Best Pick: Keelan Cole. After we all watched Marquise Lee shred his knee in 457 places, Buckets had the brainpower to realize that Marquise Lee was now dead and the Jaguars were in Next Man Up™ mode.
I looked three different times and Buckets has no Miami Dolphins on his team. I literally can’t believe it. Is this how you finally get over the hump and win the Toppa Bowl? Buckets is playing favorites no more!
I also love taking Jimmy G to back up Carson Wentz. I was really annoyed at the time and am still jealous of it now.
Best Pick: Not saying something incredibly awful while Mr. Wood was upstairs. Timmy may not have even said something incredibly awful (for him) all night. But it was nice to NOT want to jump out the window in a moment of awkwardness.
I think Timmy’s team is pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty solid. I’m sad there’s no Tyler Locket on his team this year though. Timmy, you should’ve just taken him as a running joke. You even could’ve gotten him at his correct ADP this year.
Best Pick: Using frequent flier points to fly home. One of my favorite parts of the night was when #Maini was tallying up how much it cost to get home and it was the price of a car rental and a thirty pack.
You also have to respect the “I did no research” move by #Maini. It’s a win-win. If his team sucks, he gets to be like “you’re the losers who spent time during your summers doing mock drafts. You fucking nerds!” But then if his team is awesome he can be like “You fucking nerds, I didn’t even study and I did better than you.” It’s a good move.
BTW, good luck with Kirk Cousins. He’s just good enough for you to play him every week, but just bad enough for you to want to drop a safe on your nuts by halftime of the late game each week.
5. Toppa Lot Pimpin’
Best Pick: Skittles in the 5th. I mean, until he retires because Oakland is going to be 1-10 in November. But until then, they’re gonna run the shit out of the ball.
Brendo’s team could be good. He’s got two stud receivers (DeAndre Hopkins and Tyreek Hill), he’s got Cam Newton, who is the player who no one really wants but is a good pick because he could end up being awesome, and he’s got Gronk, which means he’ll win the TE matchup every week. This is the year Brendo wins the 3rd place game, I can feel it.
4. AND mccourty TWINS!!
Best Pick: I have a bad feeling about A A Ron this year. But in that “He’s a bad, bad man” way. Like another “take him out of the game at halftime because he’s got 6 TDs” type of season.
I think it’s a good sign that PWood’s best player is only holding out for more money and not lying on a cart with a triple exploded knee. Maybe this is the first step away from the curse. Maybe next year you’ll have a guy who after you draft him is suspended for 2 games for throwing his girlfriend out the window of a moving car.
3. Mr. BoomBoom
Best Pick: Throwing up at 3am, apparently. I felt really bad on Sunday, but imagine how bad I’d feel if I kept all that Domino’s in my stomach.
I feel pretty good about my team. Which means first round playoff loss here I come, baby!!!
2. Alex’s Rub and Tug
Best Pick: Saquon Barkley, just because it was two picks before Jeff Who, and you know if he could’ve taken Barkley he woulda splooged so much the roof woulda come off Mama Wood’s attic. Russel Wilson in the 5th was pretty good too.
Once again JD’s team is filled with solid picks. There’s no players on his team I hate, which means he’s going to go deep into the Toppa playoffs once again. (I’m starting the reverse jinxes on JD early this year.)
1. Driveway Beers
Best Pick: Thomas Edward Patrick Fucking Brady Jr
I mean, the kid was on crutches for the draft, the least we could do is give him the first pick. I’m glad Woody decided to rig the bingo ball thingy appropriately. I also loved JBiggs’s style of grabbing two stickers at a time to minimize the amount of movement he had to do. Overall, it couldn’t have worked out better for a cripple. And I say that as a former cripple. Everything is difficult on crutches. EVERYTHING. When I was on crutches, I didn’t drink water for 6 months because going to the bathroom was a chore. On top of all that, I think JBiggs has a squad.
Did you hear that?
Oohh Sunday Night!!
It’s finally here. Football is fucking back! We’ve been waiting from the second we turned off the TV after the Super Bowl until now.
OOooohhhhhh Sunday Night!
I don’t know about you, but I’m fired up for this season. Maybe there were less players beating up their wives. Maybe there were less players committing suicide. Maybe I’m so numb to the amount of stupid rules there are, that when they added another half dozen this year, I just went “Meh.” Maybe the World Cup took grabbed my attention over the summer, so I was thinking about futbol instead of football.
OOOOoooooooohhhhhhhhh Sunday Night!!!
Whatever the reason, I’m more fired up than I have been the last couple years. I want it all. Gimme Tony Romo “ugh, oooo, yeeeeaa, rrrrrrr, iiiiiiiii, urp, doink” on every single replay. Gimme Cris Collinsworth saying “I tell you what Al, this Rams pass rush is so disruptive, I don’t know how anyone gets a pass off.” Give me 9am games in London. Gimme conversations with my dad where I convince him that Joe Buck isn’t actually that bad anymore, but first I have to correct him that it’s not Jack Buck. Gimme terrible Thursday Night Football games. Gimme that ColorRush. I know they’re saying it’s gone on Thursdays, but that’ll just make it all the more sweeter when it shows up on a random Sunday. Gimme a Carrie Underwood song that doesn’t have any words that rhyme.
OOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH SUNDAY NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!
Give me every single second of Chris Hanson. Gimme that sweet, sweet touchdown montage. Gimme all the wings, chilli, beef stew, nachos, chicken fingers, disco fries, and pulled pork. Give me all the cholesterol too. Gimme that “It’s the 4th quarter and it’s 11pm on a Monday night, but the Pats need this drive, so I’m gonna have one more” beer. Gimme two TVs in the living room. Gimme the weird looks from friends who go “why do you have two TVs” and I look at them and go “fucking football.” Gimme “TEEEJ” and “FUMBLE” and “Some spread!” and “HUH?!?” and “Alvin Kamara Kamara Kamara Chameleon” and “nobody circles the wagons like the Buffalo Bills” and “Let me be the first to wish you and yours, a happy Thanksgiving.” Give me Thanksgiving football that I probably won’t end up watching, but will care about. Give me Tom Fuckin Brady. I want it all.
OOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SUUUUUUNNNNNDDDDAAAAAYYYYY NNNNIIIIGGGHHHTTTT!!!!
Football football football football. Football. FOOTBALL. Football, football, football, football and football. FOOTBALL. FOOTBALL! FOOTBALL!! Football football football football football football. Football football football. Football! Football football football football. Football football football football football football football football. FOOTBALL!!! Football football football football football football. Football? Football! Football.Football football football football football football. Football football football football football. Football!!!
Football football football football football football. Football football football. Football football football football football football. Football!
OOOOOOOHHHHHSAIOFHIOSA FIPUNGDFIU BADS GIUGIUDFSHPIUGFHAIUFASPHF
Let’s go. Let’s go! LET’S GO!!! LET’S FUCKING GO!!!
The Eagles (-2) take on the Falcons TO! MOTHERFUCKING! NIGHT! Set your goddamn lineups. Make your picks. Buy your beers. Set your crockpots. Football. Is. Back!