Short post this week. Turns out, when I moved to Rhode Island and got a new job, it was like, a REAL job. With accountability and everything. I don’t have nearly the same amount of free time as I did before. In hindsight, I’m actually kind of surprised I even got paid at my last job. I blogged a lot at my last job. Like, a lot. And they never cared. I never got caught. I think once my boss asked me if I reached out to someone I was supposed to, and didn’t because I was blogging for like 4 straight hours. But even then I got away with it. Seriously, I had a folder on my work computer that was labeled “Toppa Blog” and it was filled with all kinds of Photoshops and gifs. I definitely should’ve been fired. My boss paid like $120 a month for software alone, and I used it to put Brendo’s face on Lavar Ball’s body.
Also the current football schedule is tough for the #BlogLife. I basically have two days to put together the PowerRanks from after Monday Night Football ends and Thursday Night Football begins. Which means I basically have one day, because I have to spend a least a day procrastinating. Did you hear that? “Procrastinating” This shit has become homework! This is awful! Okay, how bout this? You all pay me money, so I can quit my job and blog all day. It’s a win-win! You guys get the longform stupid blogs you’ve come to love and I get to hang out in just my underwear for 22 of 24 of the hours in the day.
You know what I DO have enough time for?
Dog Shit of the Week
The New Orleans Defense. Gave up 48 points to Ryan Fitzpatrick and the “no for real, I think the Bucs are gonna be one of the worst teams in football this season” Tampa Bay Buccaneers. Not only did they put up negative points for Buckets in his close loss to Vegas, they gave 4 people a strike in Survivor.
Runners Up: Marquise Goodwin, Chris Hogan
Week 1 #PowerRankings
I think I got into a bit of a bad habit last year with the power rankings. I got a little too analytical. I got a little too dependent on the numbers. Who gives a fuck about averages and standard deviations? What am I some kind of sabermetrician? Are you supposed to care about somebody’s VORP? Not unless that stands for Value Of my Ridiculously large Penis. And if that’s the case, it’s off the fucking charts! I got to get my nose out of that calculus book and back to the grindstone. It’s time to get back to my roots. It’s time to tell each and every one of you that you suck.
12. Mud Slide Wood (Trend: Consistently Bad)
For a while there I didn’t think Commish was gonna break 100. Woody’s team is bad. He’s done already. I guess the kids are gonna get all the love they deserve because they’re not going to be ignored on Sundays for fantasy. Woody, you suck.
11. Woken KMICHO (Trend: Down)
This is part of the reason why Woody’s team is ranked so shittily. He and Micho found themselves in a…. well, not quite a rock fight, more like 2 toddlers throwing dog crap at each other. Micho ended up winning that…. see, it wasn’t even a slugfest. More like, when two drunk guys get into a fight at the bar and they both just swing and swing and swing at each other but never end up making contact with each other, then they both fall over and the bouncer kicks them both out. Yeah so Micho won their “matchup” A hundred and not a lot to barely a hundred. Maybe Micho’s computer had a virus, because his team stinks.
I hear the Azores are nice this time of year, maybe just go eat an authentic malasadas and don’t worry about your fantasy football team for a while. Micho, you suck.
10. #MainiLovesBradysUggs (Trend: Down)
Maybe you shoulda done a little bit more studying. Who’s proud of themselves for not giving a shit now? Are you not gonna give a shit all season? You better. But don’t worry, your team is still better than Micho’s. #yousuck
9. The White Boyz (Trend: Up, for once)
Much like the Browns managing to not lose, JeffWho not being at the bottom of the #PowerRanks was the other happiest but still sad moment of the new football season. Like it’s not last place, but it’s still the bottom 4. You can build on this Jeff! No, you can’t. You suck.
Derrick Henry total points for the season: 3.10
8. Chef Poissonier Rae (Trend: Steady)
This team name still makes no sense. Kick a freestyle. What rhymes with “you suck”?
7. Alex’s Rub and Tug (Trend: Falling)
Awww what happened? You thought you were the fucking king. And not just because you’re the only one in the league who can fit his championship belt on his head like a crown. But you’re not! You fucking lost. You’re a loser. You can’t win because you suck.
6. FulltimeShittyGuy (Trend: Rising)
Timmy managed to win the Sweat It Out Game of the Week sponsored by Speed Stick. “Shitty” is right! He managed to hold off JeffWho’s terrible team and pull out a, I dunno, like 2 and something point victory. No more statistics, remember. It was close. Really close. Both these teams suck, but I guess one of em had to win. You shitty.
5. Sauce on the Side (Trend: Up)
Typical Vegas. Sneaking just under the radar. Puts in an effort that’s not bad enough for me to #BoomRoast him, but not really good enough to really stand out and force me to hate on him. You still suck.
4. Driveway Beers (Trend: Down, slightly)
You know what we’re bringing back for this season? The Blowout of the Week! JBiggs destroyed #Maini by, like, 40 points this week in the Blowout of the Week, sponsored by the New York Post:
Puts a whole new spin on the song “Come Together” HEEEYYYOOOOO!!
Oh yeah, you suck.
3. Mr. BoomBoom (Trend: Samesies)
I do not suck. No for real. You all suck, and I do not. Did I win? Yes. Yes I did. Did you lose? Well, most of you did. In fact, a large percentage of you did. A percentage that I’m not gonna even try and figure out, but it’s like at least half. Y’all suck. I don’t.
2. Toppa Lot Pimpin’ (Trend: Rising)
Brendo lost a slobberknocker to PWodd in a matchup where a total of… [you are not allowed to add numbers anymore you fucking nerd] … where MAD POINTS were scored. Unfortunately, for Brendo he scored what was probably his season high and came away with a loss. You know why, right? It’s because you suck.
1. AND mccourty TWINS!! (Trend: Gangsta)
Let’s bring back the High Score of the Week sponsor too! Hopefully I can get myself up to 12 gimmick sponsors and these stupid things will become easier to write. PWood put up this week’s Highest Score sponsored by…. Juul? Can you smoke weed out of those things? Or are they just the way kids these days try to act like cigarettes are cool. Hey kids, tobacco is wacko. Congratulations on the high score PWood, you still suck.
Baltimore is at Cincinnati (-1) tonight. I’m already fiending for those all purple unis matched up against the white on whites with black stripes. Oh well, it’s gonna be even better when it’s a surprise. Set your lineups and make your picks, but remember, you suck.