Well I’ve watched two full Sunday’s worth of football, which means I’ve now seen the same 25 commercials 450 times each. And one question is really dumbfounding me this year.
No it’s not:
Why doesn’t Peyton Manning work with the black singer for Nationwide and only the white country singer? Is he racist?
Why does Pizza Hut keep claiming that “Nobody Out Pizza’s the Hut” when everyone out pizza’s the hut?
And speaking of pizza, how many people are blaming Domino’s for potholes in the road that they DRIVE STRAIGHT THROUGH? Clearly enough for them to hire their own road construction company. Are people driving home through an central american jungle and when they get home, they’re like “What the fuck?! The pizza’s all over the box top! Imma take a picture of this and tweet it at Domino’s. Thanks Obama.”
Who in their right minds would drink a Bug Light Lime or Bud Light Orange? Does anyone ever buy a six pack of these beers on purpose? Like, do people walk out of the liquor store thinking they bought a six pack of Bud Light, then get incredibly disappointed when they realized they bought Bug Light Lime? I’m actually intrigued by how terrible it could possibly be. It’s like when someone tells you something smells awful and you can’t help but want to sniff it yourself just to know how bad it smells.
Bud Light Orange is basically Brass Money except it doesn’t get you fucked up, right?
No, it’s none of those questions. The biggest question currently keeping me up at night is: Who the fuck are the Salmon Sisters?
These “sisters” appear to “live” on a “boat” somewhere that looks like off the coast of Alaska. They say they “run their business from the boat” but what the fuck is their business?! Are they fishermen, or fisherwomen as the case may be? Well considering they weigh a combined 180 pounds, I’m pretty sure they’re not pulling in nets filled with hundreds of fish. So what the fuck business do they do on this boat? Why does this business need to be run from the boat? Are they running some sort of illegal operation that needs to be in the middle of the ocean? “Hi I’m Emma. And I’m Claire. And we run a dark web online portal where you can buy sex slaves, automatic weapons or black tar heroin using our cryptocurrency, SalmonBucks. We’re the Salmon Sisters.”
What the fuck is with this doodle?
Are they just graphic artists? Or bloggers? If so, why the fuck do they live on a boat? I’m so confused. What are their PowerPoint presentations about? It could be anything! It could also be nothing! I feel like I’d get a better PowerPoint about salmon from Michael Scott than from these two.
Also look at this:
Who packs so little for spending your life on a boat? The only boat you should be getting on with a bag of that size is the ferry to Nantucket. Alaska’s 40 degrees in JUNE. Where are your fucking wool socks?
The only thing “business” related I found in this commercial is a box that says “SALMON” on it.
It’s a cardboard box the size of a bar of soap, so I’m pretty sure the box doesn’t actually contain salmon. What is inside? What could possibly be in a box that size that would warrant living on a boat and wearing rain gear your entire life?
And I can hear Micho now, “I wouldn’t kick them out of my bed.” To that I say, NO! These women are lying about being sisters and fish and who knows what else. You absolutely should kick them out of your bed. I’ve seen this movie before. Inviting two women like this into your bed is a surefire way to wake up in a bathtub filled with ice and your internal organs have been replaced with fish parts.
Dog Shit of the Week
I never thought I’d do this, but I’m gonna put coach on blast. Because I know he reads this. He makes you think he doesn’t give a shit about anything, but deep down there’s one or two outlets he cares about and Toppa Blog is on that short list. That was really one of the worst Pats games I’ve watched in a while. Both the offense and defense looked boring and bad. This has happened enough that I don’t think the sky is falling. Every year there’s a bad loss in the beginning of the season. Like last year, when I blogged two very angry, over reactive paragraphs after the Pats got blown out. And then they went to the Super Bowl. Or In 2014 when I made the entire New England team my Dogshit of the Week after the Pats got blown out on Monday Night. And then they went on to win the Super Bowl. Or Week 1 of 2003 when the Pats lost to the Bills 31-0, and the Red Sox lost to the Yankees, and my college girlfriend broke up with me all within a 4 hour time period. And then the Pats went on to win 23 games straight including the Super Bowl. So it’s gonna be fine. But goddammit! At least give a heads up that you’re gonna treat the first big game of the season like a preseason game. If I knew this was coming I would’ve enjoyed that beautiful Sunday instead of sitting inside for 8 hours.
Week 2 #PowerRankings
Guys. Guys. I think we got this season off on the wrong foot. You know I think you’re all really great guys, right? It’s true. I think starting the season with all that negativity may have been a bad choice. Let’s try it all again.
12. Mud Slide Wood (Trend: Consistently bad)
Did I tell you Woody did a really good job being the officiant of my wedding? 5 star Yelp review. Would have marry again. He’s literally a stand up guy. One little recommendation though, I forgot to ask him to say “By the power vested in me by the State of Rhode Island and Providence Plantations…” I thought that woulda been a nice little exclamation point to the whole thing, especially to all those outtatowners. Just keep that one in mind.
Plus he’s got those beautiful children and they’re always so nice to me. He’s really just a great guy.
11. Alex’s Rub and Tug (Trend: Falling apart?)
Here’s another great guy! He set up that bank account for the Toppa Kitty. He put his own credit score at risk managing an account for 11 other delinquents. I’d trust him to launder my money any time.
Hey man, don’t worry about the early SZN stumbles. You’ve still got the best record in Toppa League history and are back-to-back champion. I’m sure you’ll bounce right back. This is just like the current Patriots stumble that is like every other September stumble. Everyone else is asking whether the dynasty is done, but not you. You’re gonna right the ship and we’ll see you in the Toppa Bowl like every other year.
10. Sauce on the Side (Trend: Huge drop)
Austin is a great guy too. He knows how to take a joke, that’s for sure. Plus, he makes a mean steak tip.
9. The White Boyz (Trend: Steady)
It’s really good to see JeffWho not in 12th place. He’s such a nice young man, who doesn’t deserve all the poor fantasy outcomes that he’s gotten over the last few years.
8. Mr. Boom Boom (Trend: Huge drop)
This week’s Blow Out of the Week is sponsored by B-Vibe Novice Plug because I clearly fucked myself and if I’m going to fuck myself, I may as well have some control over it. Alan on Amazon gives it 5 stars and says it’s “Excellent.” Plus it comes with a travel case!
I lost by 67 points this week and while I can’t say I’m happy about it, I’m just glad to be part of the league and competing every week. It’s a really fun time.
7. Chef Poissonier Rae (Trend: Up just a bit)
I bet Buckets gets his nickname from being a bucket of positivity. He’s always happy to see you. Always gives you a pound. Always giving you positive reinforcement like “True.” He probably says “Excuse me” after he dunks on people.
6. Fulltime Shitty Guy (Trend: Middle of the road)
Look at this kid. Full Time City Guy, doing Full Time City Guy things. I bet he whacks weeds with the best of em and probably orders Dunkin Donuts better than anyone else on the payroll. He can fix the signs on my street any time he wants. No really, there’s a stop sign on my street that you can’t ever see because there’s a whole bunch of hedges in the way and some kid is gonna get hit by a car. It dangerous and the city should take care of it.
5. AND mccourty TWINS!! (Trend: Down)
PWood beat his brother in a matchup Yahoo labeled as “offensively challenged.” That’s not very nice. “Offensively challenged” is one of those phrases where you use different words than the ones you actually want to use, but it actually comes off meaner than what you were originally going to say. Like “offensively challenged” is somehow worse than saying these “two teams suck” because not only are you implying that these two teams suck, but you’re also implying that you’re somehow classier and smarter than me. I feel like “offensively challenged” is a phrase Mike Greenberg would use and then laugh like too much about it. Anyway, this is the Arm & Hammer Sweat It Out Game of the Week because PWood won by just over 10 points.
4. #MainiLovesBradyUggs (Trend: Big Steps Up)
I gotta hand it to #Maini, he really stepped it up and put in an incredible effort. What a great job. I’m not even mad. I got beat fair and square. This High Score of the Week is sponsored by Dorito Chicken Tenders. Oh word? There is no possible way these can be bad. Can be bad for you, but we don’t care about that right now. This combines my two favorite things: Doritos and bite sized chicken you can dip in various sauces. I need this.
3. Toppa Lot Pimpin’ (Trend: Slightly down)
Brendo’s the best right? He’s just one of the nicest, funniest dude’s you’ll ever meet. I’m happy his team is having success. Sure he’s 1-1, but he’s second in the league in scoring. That could mean he’s got the type of team built for the post-season.
2. Woken KMICHO (Trend: Way, way, way up)
KMICHO back! Both literally and metaphorically. Micho’s back from what looked like a wonderful time in the Azores. It looks like paradise, except with Portuguese people. I hope you had a great time and relaxed a lot. And Micho’s back to the top of the standings. Undefeated so far and looking good. Both literally and metaphorically. *Wink*
1. Driveway Beers (Trend: Walkin’ the walk)
Nothing but good wishes for JBiggs. He gets his boot off soon and before you know it he’ll be healthy enough to pass on doing physical activity like every other 30 year old man who’s had a serious injury. Gotta know your limits, and the older you get the closer those limits come to being “everything.” Speaking of limits, JBiggs’s team looks like it doesn’t have any. Undefeated and heading into this week’s matchup with Timmy as a big favorite. He’s gonna be a force all season, I can tell. Couldn’t happen to a nicer guy.
My friends, be sure to set you lineups and make your picks. I’d be disappointed if you didn’t. The Jets (+3) play the Browns tonight. If you saw that game on the schedule before the season you’d think that you don’t have to watch a single minute of this game. But now there’s an air of friskyness surrounding these teams. Maybe they’re not as bad as they’ve always been. Maybe they’re gonna turn it around. You hear enough of this on PTI and Around the Horn and convince yourself this might be a good game. Cut to 9 o’clock tonight and you’re watching a 7-6 “offensively challenged” game with 5 interceptions and two missed field goals wondering why you’re doing this to yourself. Don’t do it. This game stinks.
But there is one thing that doesn’t stink about this game. And that’s these ALL BROWN unis being worn in Cleveland tonight:
Color Rush is back. You know it’s never truly going away. You just have to work a little harder to find it. And it’d be all the better when you do. Those Brown jerseys and Brown pants are really going to make that last second safety to lose the game by one all the more special.
Everybody enjoy the weekend!