Power Rankings

2018 Power Ranks – Week 4

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I honestly thought about hanging it up. I was starting to think “What’s the point?” Maybe I start using these old blogging fingers for something other than blogging. Maybe kneading some bread dough. Maybe knitting. Maybe typing other stuff. Maybe giving random strangers on the street finger guns.

But like all aging superstars looking down the barrel of retirement, I knew I had to change up my regiment. I had to find a shady health guru who may or may not be a snake oil salesman and is just conning me into being his meal ticket. I had to find the Toppa Blog version of avocado ice cream (Or avocado pie, as the case may be.). I needed BoomBoom to help me with my pliability.

Either that, or PEDs. (Just so you know, I wrote that sentence then spent the next 20 minutes trying to figure out what blogging PEDs were. The answer is definitely “cocaine”).

The easiest way to get back on the horse is to write a blog about ColorRush. I don’t know if you saw it this weekend, but ColorRush was live and in effect. The Lions played in all grey.

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There was some pushback on these uniforms by some people across the internet, but I was not one of those people. Nor was BoomBoom, who knows things about fashion and design because she’s a lady. The Seahawks were in all grey too, which makes their hints of highlighter yellow much easier to handle. And the Saints busted out some all white unis that had gold and brown trim that was magnifique!

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We also had some throwbacks. The Falcons threw it back to their black jerseys, which look exactly like their current jerseys except they’re black and not red, and their helmet is 10% different. The Rams used their 1970s helmet decals which are dope. And then of course the Packers threw it all the way back to the 1950s with that hideous brown, yellow and blue uniform.

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All that was missing were the leather helmets. I love it.

I loved every minute of it. Why can’t we just fucking switch it up every now and then? The NFL’s stupid helmet rule says that you can’t switch out your helmet at all during the season. So that’s why only a few teams can switch up their helmets with their uniforms, because they’re actually only switching the stickers on their helmets.

This rule makes no sense to me. First, why can they switch their helmets in college and not the pros. If not switching your helmet is somehow “safer” (which I think is 98.67% bullshit), shouldn’t we be putting more emphasis on protecting 18 and 19 year old brains that are technically still growing over 24 and 25 year old brains? I wonder if this has anything to do with the NFL players, at least potentially, having the ability to sue the league and college kids can’t.

Secondly, the rule is in place because apparently it’s better if the helmet is broken in. This isn’t a pair of running shoes. Are you afraid the players are gonna get blisters on their ears? It’s better to have a helmet that is “broken in” that has smashed into other helmets and shoulder pads 100 times a week, where the inside padding has been softened by repeated use for a whole season, than to replace it every couple of weeks? Going back to the running shoes example, a fresh pair feels way better on my feet than a pair that’s a year old.

I never thought I’d be advocating for a school like Oregon whose school colors are green and yellow but for some reason wear black and pink on game day, but fuck it. At least it’s creative and interesting and different. And if it looks horrible, at least you have those moments a couple times a game where someone walks in the room and is like “What team is that? What the fuck are they wearing!?” Imagine the shade Scott Hanson would throw when he tosses it to a game featuring some ugly uniforms. “We’re gonna go now to Denver where the Broncos and their hideous brown and green uniforms are in the red zone.” Gimme more of that. Gimme the old Pat the Patriot helmets. Gimme Jets-Bills wearing red and green on Christmas, with red and green helmets to match. Gimme the old bright green Philly helmet to wear with their throwbacks. What if the Browns helmets were actually brown for a game? Have the Packers play in all yellow, or that dark blue from their throwbacks. Fuck it, let’s have all kinds of new uniform combinations. The Cowboys in black. The Titans in red. The Dolphins in purple. The 49ers in all gold. The Vikings in orange. The Steelers in red, blue and yellow to match their logo. Let’s have the Ravens do what Maryland does and take the country’s worst flag and have it look like it threw up all over the players. I know that this is paving the way for every team wearing camo-themed uniforms for “Salute to Service” month, but fuck it. Let’s do it.

If you have to keep the helmet, but can change the decal, why don’t we switch out the decal more often than? It doesn’t need to be either current or throwback. Why don’t we switch out the logo on the helmet for text? Or a different version of the logo. Or for something cool and new I totally haven’t thought of. Look at the Rutgers helmet this weekend. Tell me it’s not flames emoji.

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That’s what I’m talking about. I just want more style. More variety. More fun.

Dog Shit of the Week

Frank Reich – By now I’m sure all the talking-head shows and yelling-at-each-other-about-sports shows have gone over how dumb this was. But maybe they haven’t because this game was between the 0-3 Texans and the 1-2 Colts, and the result was that now both teams are 1-3 and are confirmed to both fucking stink. But, it’s not very often where I get actually offended by how dumb something is in a game I don’t care about. But this is one of those times I feel obligated to talk about how dumb it was. It was 4th and 4 from the Colts own 43. 27 seconds left. Instead of punting, the Colts decided to go for it. Why? Because we play to win, not to tie goddammit!

No, shit for brains, you literally decided you’d rather lose instead of tie. Your small, stupid brain can’t handle there being an extra “1” at the end of your win-loss record and you’d rather just take the L. It’s like he was dreading the idea of going home after the game and having to explain to his wife that he didn’t win the game, but he also didn’t lose the game, and she’s going to have an aneurysm. You either win or you lose, Frank, or you sleep on the couch.

But here’s the best part:

These idiots agree!! It’s not like they were on the 2-yard line, down three, and were going for a touchdown instead of settling for a field goal. They were on their own 43 yard line! Even if they got the first down, they’d still be on their own 48 with no timeouts (they’d have to use their final timeout after picking up the first down). They’d have to drive 30 yards in 24 seconds, just so they can rush the kicker in and attempt a 50 yarder. This is insane.

Now, to be totally honest with you, I was rooting for a tie. Yes, ties are silly. But that’s why I love them! People get SOOOO bent out of shape when there’s a tie in sports. IT’S LIKE KISSING YOUR SISTER!!! Nope. It’s not. Because kissing your sister is wrong. All of the time. You should never kiss your sister. And you DEFINITELY should not get any enjoyment out of it. Equating a tie in football to kissing your sister implies that there is something good about kissing your sister. “Like, it’s cool cuz you’re kissing a chick, right? And you get like a semi and stuff. But then it’s not cool cuz, like, it’s your sister. And you can’t do her.”

Week 4 #PowerRankings

So we missed a week. Last week was choose your own PowerRanking week. You can all be #1! Or maybe you’re the type who is really honest with themselves, so you didn’t rank yourself number one. There’s always room for improvement, so maybe you ranked yourself, like, #4.

12. Sauce on the Side

The one thing I regret from not writing a blog last week is not dragging Austin for giving up on his matchup with Woody last week ON THURSDAY:

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First off, who’s listening to Sports Radio at all, never mind at 11:15 at night? Secondly, the guy only scored 2 points, so you just threw in the towel? You still had like 15 guys left on your team. And Vegas wasn’t being sarcastic about it either. Know how I know? Because he gave up AGAIN on Sunday:

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One catch you win?! And he did get one catch. And he did win. But the man gave up twice. Within 5 days.

Now I know why you get that sauce on the side, you’re a fucking wimp. A quitter. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas, but not for Austin because he’s already on the plane home.

Then this week, he gets blown all the fucking way out by Micho. He put up the lowest score of the year and lost by 110 points. I hope he gave up halfway through this match up too. At least this time it’d make sense.

11. The White Boyz

After taking the week off, I was happy to see JeffWho is back at the bottom of the league. It’s nice that some things never change. JeffWho should thank Austin for being such a fucking baby-ass quitter, or else Jeff would find himself at the bottom of the #PowerRanks.

Derrick Henry total fantasy points this season: 17.90

10. Mr. BoomBoom

Fuck! I’ve now lost 3 in a row. This is stupid. I hate this fucking game. If I didn’t make a big deal about NOT retiring, I’d totally threaten to take my blog and go home.

9. Alex’s Rub and Tug

I can only imagine what JD is thinking right now. He got his first win of the season last week. Then he was matched up against Woody, who was 0-3. He had to have been thinking he was back on track and things were looking up. Then Woody hung 193 points on him, and now he’s staring at a 1-3 record.

8. Chef Poissonnier Rae

Buckets is having a very up and down season at the moment. Winning and losing every other week. This week he looks to break the trend and win two in a row, but he’s going to have a hard time going up against the top dog in the league, JBiggs.

7. Mud Slide Wood

That’s more like it from the Commish. After losing the first three matchups of the season, and being one of the lowest scoring teams in the league, Woody gets his first win of the season in a big way putting up 193 points. This week’s High Score of the Week is sponsored by Disco Fries. Look any Joe Schmo can make cheese fries, but it takes a real culinary savant to pour gravy all over that shit. It’s nice because the fries are bite size, so it doesn’t feel like you’re clogging your arteries as you eat them one by one. Plus, since they’re called “Disco” fries you can share them with other couples and not feel weird about it.

6. #MainiLovesBradyUggs

Wow that’s pretty rough. It’s gotta suck to put up 178 points and still lose. Congrats on your one good Kirk Cousins game of the year. Of course it was wasted on a loss.

5. Fulltime Shitty Guy

Timmy is Toppa League’s current smoke and mirrors team. He’s 3-1, with two straight wins, but has one of the lowest point totals in the league. He doesn’t have the lowest amount of points scored against him, but it’s pretty close.

4. AND mccourty TWINS

If Vegas wasn’t a craven, little bitch, PWood would’ve gotten the lowest score of the week. PWood has alternated between a really low score and then a very good one each week. He’s hoping that trend continues, since he only scored 110 points this week. He may not even need that many points this week because he’s going up against Vegas, who… it looks like… yup, he already quit.

3. Toppa Lot Pimpin’

Watch out now. Brendo may be 2-2 but he’s the highest scoring team in the league. He’s also one of the unluckiest having the second highest amount of points scored against him.

2. Woken KMICHO

Holy shit!!! After failing to score 100 points last week, Micho destroyed Vegas by over 110 points. This week’s Blowout of the Week is sponsored by Hotels.com because there’s no sex better than hotel sex. I actually think Hotels.com should change their slogan.

1. Driveway Beers

I’m sure JBiggs is glad to see me back behind the keys. The one week he lost was the one week I didn’t do PowerRanks. As far as we’re concerned he’s just stayed in the number one spot. It was a close one for him this week, as he squeaked out a win over me by 6 points. But all that matters in the end is the result and JBiggs got another win and I got yet another fucking loss.

The Patriots (-10) play the Colts tonight in Foxboro. And guess what? The Pats are in ColorRush. That’s what I’m talking about. And they say Belichick doesn’t know how to have fun. Are you sure that everything’s okay now in Patriotland? A beat down of a very bad Dolphins team does not have me convinced yet. But things look better than before and it’s nice to be winning again. Now if only my shitty fantasy team would do the same.

Enjoy the weekend!

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