James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Week 8

I was sick this week. There’s nothing more fun than being sick on the weekend of Halloween. “What are you dressing up as this year?” My bed. As my symptoms got worse and worse, I started to wonder which ones I hated more. This got me thinking about PowerRanking symptoms of being sick. Without further ado, the definitive Symptom Power Rankings:

8. Sniffles

Awww does somebody have the sniffows. Yes and it’s super fucking annoying. Where does all this goddamn snot come from? It never fucking stops. And then after blowing your nose for 45 minutes straight, you finally get everything out and you can breath. What’s that smell? I think I can smell… is it hot dogs? I never thought I’d be so happy to smell hot dogs! Then you sneeze and the floodgates open up all over again.

The sniffles are also the most embarrassing symptom to have. Nothing draws attention to yourself like sniffling every 5 to 8 seconds in a completely quiet room. And then if you try do something about, which means blowing your nose, you turn into a disgusting monster. I blew my nose on the train the other day and this woman looked at me like I pulled poop out of my pants and wiped it on her daughter.

7. Fever

Compared to everything else on this list, I actually don’t mind having a fever. Granted, if you have a fever, it means you’re wicked sick, but the way you deal with a fever is by getting super snuggled. It’s a perfect excuse to put on some sweats, put up your hood, get under lie six blankets (be sure to tuck those blankets in all around you so you look like a burrito), and then close your eyes and feel like you’re slowly dying.

Of course, the downside of this is when your fever eventually breaks, you then sweat through all your clothes, the sheets and the mattress.

6. Cough

There are two types of coughs and they both suck. The first is a wet cough. Which, even just writing “wet cough” is disgusting. This is the one where you have a liter of phlegm in your lungs that you can’t stop coughing until it’s out of there. Once you do have that one good, deep, satisfying cough, you then desperately have to find a sink or a toilet to spit out the baby demogorgon you just coughed up.

A dry cough is slightly more annoying because it doesn’t have that satisfying cough that’ll end your coughing fit. You just cough and cough and cough and cough and cough and then try to stop yourself from coughing because you’re in public, but your body is not designed to stop coughing, so you convulse and lose all air in your body and your face turns beet red and then someone asks you if you need a drink of water like you’re a moron and don’t know that water helps with a cough but then you try to say that you’re fine and then cough a whole bunch more and eventually pass out.

5. Aches & Pains

When I have aches and pains, I become a giant baby and I want to die. Everything hurts. Why does everything hurt? I can’t even get out of bed to pee. So weak! Thinking about moving makes me want to cry. Everything is awful.

4. Diarrhea

Can I interest you in pitifully sitting on the toilet for the rest of your life? I can see you’re interested. How about dumping all of your insides out of your butt systematically every 10-15 minutes? I hope you stocked up on Charmin. The worst thing that about Diarrhea is living in constant fear. Constantly afraid that your butt is going to explode at any moment. And then, after hours and hours have passed, and you think you’re feeling a bit better. You think that fart in your butt is too small to do anything. But you were wrong. And there’s now poop in your pants.

3. Vomiting

I haven’t thrown up in a long time and thank god! Turns out I don’t need to get blackout drunk every weekend. It’s nice.

I’m very thankful I haven’t thrown up in a while because it turns out it sucks to have your body try to turn itself inside out. The worst part is you have to let your body empty itself out. And then they’re like, well you should have some Gatorade to keep yourself hydrated. Then that comes out too, but at least your puke tastes like Glacier Freeze.

Oh wait, I remembered the real worst part. It’s when you throw up over and over and over again and your stomach muscles start quivering form being overworked. It’s like when I do tons of pushups, like 8, then can’t sign my name because my arms are shaking too much.

At least you lose a couple pounds.

2. Sore Throat

Sore throats are awful. Do you know how many times you swallow in a day?? Like a million. And every time you do it’s like you’re swallowing hot lava. A million lavas! It’s awful. Every four seconds is another painful stab in the throat. It’s like Chinese water torture. Just eroding your will to live. Just cut off my entire head. It’d probably feel better.

1. Both Ends

You know what I mean. I’ll only offer up a single survivor’s tip. Just go ahead and get naked. Sit on the toilet and hold a bucket in your lap. Then pray. Go ahead and let the tears flow, it’s okay. I’m pretty sure Elvis died that way.

This Week’s Level: Avoid that house on the corner when you’re Trick or Treating, they give out bullshit.

Here’s a little post-Halloween math problem for you: If you wanted to make sure all the kids coming to your house got their fare share of Halloween candy, would you (a) give every kid 4 pieces of candy, or (b) give some kids 4, other kids 2, then some other kids 6? In this metaphor, the Halloween candy is football and Goodell is the parent who’s giving out random amounts of it. We have another SIX teams on bye this week. Meanwhile, in Week 7, only two teams had bye weeks. You’d think the NFL would want to evenly distribute the bye weeks, so that from Weeks 4 through 12, there were 14 games. You’d think the more games you have each weekend, the more you maximize revenue. Instead this week and last week there were 13 (and if Hurricane Irma hadn’t hit, there’d be 13 games in Week 11 too). This also ruins fantasy. Buckets and I had 5 guys on bye EACH. Fantasy makes the league a buttload. We should complain. If this in someway ruined gambling, they’d change it. Sure they’d make up an excuse about making the game fair or even or whatever, but they’d do it. This is bullshit.

Dog Shit of the Week

Oh man, everyone was dying to nominate themselves for DSOTW this week. JD nominated himself for picking up the Miami Defense and starting them on Thursday night, where they promptly gave up 40 points. But JD scored 221 points this week. Micho, by the way, who lost to JD, by a lot, like a lot a lot, nominated himself simply by losing by as much as he did. Brendo nominated himself for finding himself down 85-0 on Friday morning. He ended up losing, but scored 155 points in a valiant effort. Woody nominated himself for scoring the lowest score of the week, the third time this year. He even went so far as giving sending me Wallace for some custom artwork. I’ll throw you a “bone” and make you runner up, but I’m very sure I outdid you all this week.

Me. I decided to not play Deshaun Watson. You know, the guy who’s one of the most exciting players in the league. Who’s leading the league in touchdown passes. Who’s scored 45, 53 and 30 points in his last 3 games. Who’s 4th in total fantasy points even though he didn’t start Week 1 and has already had his bye. The experts said it was a tough matchup against Seattle’s defense. Well, it was clear that I made the right decision, when 2 minutes into the game, Watson threw a 59 bomb to Will Fuller for a TD. Meanwhile, Kirk Cousins, the guy the experts said I should start, was overthrowing receivers in the pouring rain. Watson ended the night with 55 points, and Cousins had 12. Oh yeah, and I ended up losing to Buckets, who didn’t play one of his WRs. I’m over here overthinking fantasy decisions while Raleigh’s too busy pulling toys out of his kids’ mouths, and I still lost. I don’t think I’ve ever felt sick to my stomach from a bad fantasy decision. This was a first.

Week 8 #PowerRankings

It’s the Pats bye week, so it’s the perfect weekend to go apple picking. Because of that, I’ve decided to Power Rank the top 12 apples, along with the teams in our league. There won’t be any descriptions or trash talk. Just take my word for it. I mean they’re apples.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Red Delicious

Micho’s team is so bad, I’m not even going to discuss it. Instead I’m going to discuss how bad this apple is. Red Delicious apples are trash. They’re not even sweet! And who bit into this apple and decided it was delicious? Delicious enough to forever call it that? The only way Red Delicious apples are “delicious” is if they’re stuck in a pig’s mouth and you cook it on a spit for 15 hours.

11. Dessert First

Gala

As I said earlier, Woody has had the lowest score of the week 3 times this season. If you take away the week that Woody blew out his little brother 214-122, Woody’s only averaging 115 points per week. He told me he’s moved on from caring about fantasy to strictly caring about the Pats. This means he’s perfectly lined up to grab the 8th seed and make a run deep into the playoffs.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Golden Delicious

JeffWho somehow has 3 wins. I don’t get it. In those three wins he score 123, 121 and 105. His team is bad. Real bad. He’s last in points scored right now.

9. Halftime in Cinci

Granny Smith

PWood is in 11th place with only one win, but is 8th in total points scored. He doesn’t deserve to be in the bottom 3. Like why does he only have one win and JeffWho has 3? Some things make no sense.

8. PowerFranksGore

Lady

See: Dog Shit of the Week. I don’t deserve nice things.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Macintosh

After averaging under 100 points in Weeks 6 and 7, Brendo was able to get himself somewhat on track and put up 155 points this week. Unfortunately, it was just short. Brendo came into Monday night down 100-150.Travis Kelce and the KC defense combined for 54.30 points, which would’ve been enough to win, if not for CJ Anderson scoring 8.50 for JBiggs. That was enough to hold off Brendo and give him his 4th loss of the year.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Empire

JBiggs is drinking Brendo’s tears this weak as he must’ve been pretty happy about those 8.50 points. JBiggs is averaging 163 points in his last 3 matchups and won his last 2. He’s matched up against PWood this week and a win could move him closer to the top of the league, which is starting to get pretty packed right now.

5. Finding Foerster

Fuji

I’m pretty sure I beat myself this week, instead of Buckets beating me, but a win’s a win and Buckets now has 4 of them in a row. He’s now 6-2 and in third place. However, he has been the luckiest team in the league by far, scoring the 10th fewest points and having the least amount of points scored against him. There are eight teams over .500 and the top three teams are only two games over that.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Cortland

After only scoring 98 points in Week 5, Timmy has won three in a row, averaging 145 points per matchup. He now finds himself at 5-3 and in 5th place. Timmy’s playing up in #Nick in a huge matchup, that could bump him into the top 3 if he wins.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

Macoun

Well the ride had to end some time. After miraculously winning 5 in a row, #Nick lost to Vegas this week in a matchup between the first and second place teams in the league. #Nick still has the second lowest points against total in the league. He’s also had a schedule that included JeffWho, PWood, Micho and Woody. His next 3 games include Timmy and the DeSantiseseses. We’ll see if it really is #MainiMagic or smoke and mirrors.

2. Spoiler Alert

Janagold

Vegas has won 3 in a row. He’s number one in scoring, and has almost 40 more points than the next closest team (JD). He took over first place by beating #Nick this week by 10 points. He was lead by 31.40 points from the now suspended Zeke Elliot. How Vegas will replace him now that he’s actually suspended, who knows? Unless, he’s not suspended again. And then is, but isn’t. I don’t get this stuff anymore.

1. Tiger’s Wood

Honeycrisp

JD scored 221 points and blew out Micho by 110 points. A HUNDRED AND TEN! That’s insane. It’s the 3rd biggest blowout in Toppa League history, and the biggest blowout in 6 years. (If you’re interested, the biggest blowout in Toppa League history was in 2011 when Woody blew out Johnny Balls by 119.95. Woody basically embarrassed Balls into leaving the league.) JD’s 221 points was the highest point total of the season. He only had 4 players score single digit fantasy points. Russell Wilson was the top scorer of the week, scoring 57.60 points. JuJu Schuster-Smith was the 4th highest scorer of the week with 36.30. Both play for JD’s team.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

Vegas once again is in the Marquis Matchup. This week he takes on Buckets in a matchup of first place Spoiler Alert against third place Finding Foerster. Both teams are 6-2 and are coming in on 4 game winning streaks.

And also…. Oh yes. OH YES! This is the matchup I live for. This is the matchup where the sexual tension of the group chat is so potent that I can’t keep my phone in my pocket or else my dog comes over and starts humping my leg. 1-7 Patsfaninthecloset takes on 3-5 Beat Micho-gan. Last place Micho looks for his 2nd win of the year against JeffWho’s crappy team. I’m so excited. It’s even better that both their teams are shitty. That means there’s potential for even more surliness. I want threats of fights. I want original comebacks like “No YOU shut the fuck up” I need Micho to drop a C-bomb after the simplest little dig. Micho irrationally escalating this feud irrationally escalates my erection. This matchup turns me into the Hormone Monster. Let’s Go!

Be sure to set you lineups. Chicago, Cleveland, Los Angeles Chargers, Minnesota, New England, and Pittsburgh are all on bye. Neat!

The Buffalo Bills (-3.5) take on the Jets in a matchup of the original ColorRush game. This was the game where the two teams played in Green and Red and it looked like a toddler colored over you TV. It was amazing. But then color blind people complained about not being able to tell the difference between the teams. And to that I say, first, uhhhh, who cares?! It was the Bills and the Jets. Are you really like, aw man I can’t tell which team keeps dropping the ball. And which team was that that just runs the ball into the line 3 times in a row and then punts. And I can’t tell which team overthrew its receivers again. Maybe the colors aren’t the problem here. Secondly, how do these people watch TV regularly? Are they writing angry letters about every show on TV? Sadly, now, ColorRush uniforms have become boring and bland. The Bills will be in all white and the Jets will be in all green.

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2017 Power Rankings – Week 5

Dog Shit of the Week

Bruce Arena. I assume that after waking up yesterday, turning on the 7am SportsCenter and seeing Tayler Twellman apoplectic, Woody sent me this:

I got you buddy. Here’s a bedtime story you can tell Mary:

There once was a king of a far away land known as Soccertowne, King Bruce. Now this king was not very smart and often ruled his subjects in ways that didn’t make sense. Soccertowne was under attack from many dragons, and it was up to King Bruce to protect Soccertowne. Soccertowne had been almost destroyed from attacks of other dragons, many dragons that the King Bruce and his knights should have beaten in battle.

But things were starting to turn around in Soccertowne. When it looked like Soccertowne would be lost, the king’s best knight, Sir Pulisic of Dortmund, a young talented knight, the best knight Soccertowne had ever seen, killed an attacking dragon. Now the king and his knights could protect Soccertowne once and for all by travelling to the barren lair of a very weak, wimpy dragon. But King Bruce’s plan of attack was all wrong. Instead of having Sir Pulisic on the front lines, attacking the dragon, like he did in the previous battle, King Bruce put him around the sides of the dragon’s lair, and he could not attack the dragon as often as he should have. King Bruce also put his favorite knight, Sir Bradley, son of Bob, in charge of the catapult. Long ago, in a time when Soccertowne was not the most powerful kingdom in the land, Sir Bradley was a good knight. But Sir Bradley had gotten old, and his aim is not as good as it used to be, and all his catapult missiles were nowhere near the wimpy dragon. The wimpy dragon saw that King Bruce’s plan was all wrong and went on the attack towards Soccertowne. King Bruce’s defense was flawed. The castle walls were poorly constructed and full of holes. The guards always looked in the wrong direction.

The last line of defense for Soccertowne was the old wizard Tim. The old wizard had pulled off some amazing displays of magic to protect Soccertowne in the past, but Tim was not as quick as he once was. He could not grab his wizard staff fast enough to save Soccertowne. The weak dragon attacked, and suddenly Soccertowne was in flames. How could this happen? Sir Pulisic struck the dragon with a mighty blow, but it was not enough. And suddenly, two more dragons attacked Soccertowne. A Blue Dragon of Hondur and a Panamanian Red Dragon both swept in and attacked Soccertowne. King Bruce’s knights shouldn’t have had to worry about these two dragons since they had done battle with them before, but since they retreated from that battle, those dragons were still somehow alive. Somehow the Red Dragon blew a fireball that didn’t actually hit any Soccertowne houses, but still they caught on fire. Soccertowne was fully engulfed in flames. There was no way to put the fire out.

Now the kingdom of Soccertowne is no more. They had no chance of becoming one of the great kingdoms in the World of Cup. King Bruce stands in his kingdom of ash “claiming nothing had to change.”

“But doesn’t it?” the townspeople asked. “Shouldn’t a king tasked with vanquishing dragons, defeat more than 3 dragons, when going to battle 10 times?” It’s time for a new king; one the townspeople deserve. A king who knows the value of Sir Pulisic of Dortmund and puts him in the center of the battlefield. A king who knows better ways to raise the townspeople to be better knights. A king who no longer depends on old knights who do battle in the League of Major, but those who are young and strong enough to do battle in Germania and Albion. Soccertowne needs a new king.

There is no happy ending to this fairy tale.

And now the adult version:

Fuck this fucking fuck with a thousand fuck poles. ARENA OUT* Are you fucking kidding me?!!??! (I have now reached the “anger” level of my grief) How do you lose to Trinidad & Tobago?!? A country has the GDP of Vermont and the population of New Hampshire?! This shit face had one thing to do, and that was to: Not. Lose. But he did. He managed to lose to the worst team in our really terrible qualifying group.

*For my less-soccer savvy readers, this is a very british way of calling for a soccer manager to be fired (or sacked, as they say). Arsenal fans have been chanting “Wenger out!” weekly, for almost 5 years.

On Friday, with our backs up against the wall, the United States HAD to win to stay alive in World Cup qualifying. What happened? Arena played our best player, Pulisic (this isn’t even blowing smoke, he is the best player on the field in 90% of CONCACAF games), in the center of the field, where he dictated the game, got a ton of touches, controlled the tempo of the game (read: pushed the ball up field and attacked), showed great chemistry with the two forwards, ended up scoring a brilliant goal, making a hell of an assist on another one, and the USA won 4-0.

So now, we go to fucking Trinidad, or Tobago, or maybe both, but instead of playing the exact same lineup that won 4-0 and showed great chemistry, Bruce Arena decided to stinker-tinker with the lineup. And he may as well have taken that shit on the field. He played Pulisic on the right wing. Playing your best player on the wing does two things to your team, both of which are bad. One, when your best player is resigned to ⅓ of the field, instead of playing in the center of it, he has less chances to touch the ball and then create opportunities with it. Two, if said best player is standing out on the wing, he’s much easier to play defense against, rather than if he’s in the middle of the field, switching places with other fielders, and generally getting into trouble. When he’s in the center of the field, it also draws attention away from other players, who can get open for good chances. THIS IS NOT FUCKING NEW!!! Goddammit!!!! This isn’t even specific to soccer! This is like sticking Lebron or Russell in the corner to shoot threes. Hmmmm get my best player the ball as much as possible??!? No, that sounds like a silly idea. FUCK YOU!

Also, the rest CONCACAF has figured out a way to play Pulisic and that’s to beat the shit out of him. I blame Arena for this too. He should be BERATING the refs from start to finish about this. As should “Oh captain, my motherfucking poor excuse for a captain,” Michael Bradley. Also our huge defensemen, like Omar Gonzalez and Geoff Cameron should get up in the faces of the guys who hit him that hard. It’s painfully obvious how deliberate the other team is being in kicking the shit out of our best player. Grow a pair! Back the kid up!

There’s a part of me that’s like, “Well maybe this is the wake up call the US needs for soccer.” Burn it all to the ground. Start over with a new plan. Get rid of Arena. Get rid of Sunil Gulati (the president of US Soccer). This is on him too. We should all remember that the issue went back to Jurgen Klinsmann, who couldn’t find a lineup he liked in 5 years. Gulati then replaced him with Bruce Arena, a guy who wasn’t great at his job THE FIRST TIME (back in the late 90s & early 2000s). And we all went, “Oh, I don’t really like this idea. He’s clearly not the coach of the future, but he’ll right the ship, get us into the World Cup. Then who knows? Maybe we’ll get into the quarterfinals, which we’ll count as a win. Then afterwards, we’ll replace him with the true savior of US Soccer.” What kind of fucked up plan is that?! This was the coaching version of a rebound. Except the sex wasn’t even good. We just watched Netflix and literally chilled. But it wasn’t even good Netflix, we watched all 8 seasons of Bones.

But the other part of me… Oh, the other part of me gets dark. As you now know, the US is not in the World Cup this summer. The World Cup is the perfect storm for US Soccer. It’s in the middle of summer, during the day, so it’s not competing against other sports, and the sport is easy enough to understand that anyone can jump in every 4 years, follow along and chant “USA! USA!” It’s an actual excuse to cut out of work and go day drink in the middle of June. Now, that’s no longer a thing. Sure, people will watch. I’ll watch it all. But I love soccer. However, I’m gonna have a much harder time pulling Woody to the bar to watch a game if the US isn’t playing, even if it’s a team like Brazil.

Even worse, there is a whole generation of 6-10 year olds that would’ve watched and rooted for Christian Pulisic go up against the best in the world. They would’ve wanted to be like him. They would’ve started juggling in the backyard and kicking a ball against the house. The soccer fans (and more importantly, players) of my generation remember the ‘94 USA team. We went to the quarterfinals when we had no business being there. We all remember Alexi Lalas, Ernie Stewart, Joe-Max Moore, Cobi Jones, Marcelo Balboa, Eric Wynalda and Toni Meola’s mullet beating Columbia in the Rose Bowl. What will this generation remember? What will be their denim colored, stars and stripes jersey?

So blow it all up. Fire Arena. Fire Gulati. Fuck it, make Clint Dempsey the coach. Say “thanks, but see ya later” to Michael Bradley and Tim Howard and Jozy Altidore and 100-year-old DeMarcus Beasley and Wondo and Zusi. Build the team around Pulisic. And fuck the goddamn MLS.

This week’s level: I can’t hear the conversation because of all this bullshit in my ears.

A memorandum from the desk for Roger Goodell:

So let me get this straight. A protest, which by its very definition is to speak out against something, and therefore begin a dialogue, is a “barrier to having conversations”? Is it? How so? How is players kneeling and/or holding their fists up (which is weird it’s getting lumped in with the kneeling thing) acting as a “barrier” for the owners and commissioner to have a discussion on police brutality in America? There’s a lot of words in the letter above, so I’ll give you the abridged version: “Players kneeling during the anthem is giving us a lot of bad press that we don’t want. Many players want to have a conversation about how they feel, but that conversation is really hard, so let’s just make this all go away, instead.”

I think we need one of those bullshit CNN townhalls for this. Let’s put Richard Sherman, Michael and Martellus Bennet up on a stage with Double J and have them answer a couple debate questions. I bet the players would stop kneeling for a chance at that shit. Let’s put Marshawn Lynch up there too, just to liven things up a bit.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

It was a low scoring week. This week’s average score was less than 130 points. Only two teams managed to score 150 points this week, and they ended up playing each other. We’ve also got a bit more consistency this week in the top, and bottom, of the league with the best and worst teams standing pat.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

Did you enjoy apple picking this weekend? Or did you go to a pumpkin patch with your kids instead? Maybe you went on a hike. Or perhaps you went to Cardi’s to get a new dresser or bed frame that you’ve needed for a while. I tell you what, you’ll be glad you did, because the football was pretty bad this weekend. God Bless Chris Hanson for giving me the hard sell. He told me we had “2 games that weren’t close, but every other game is a one possession game.” Meanwhile looking at the screen showed me two games where there wasn’t a single touchdown scored and three others that were tied at 10. Hooo-eee. That’s some good football!!

Micho had 6 players score 5 or less points this week. Micho’s team has dropped 4 in a row and is averaging 108 points per week. He’s also got like 7 guys in his starting lineup that if I saw a picture of them, I’d have no idea who they were.

11. Beat Micho-gan

I was at a bar watching football a week or two ago, and one of the guys I was with sees the commercial for the new Jackie Chan movie, and turns to me and goes “Jackie Chan has a new movie?!” We then proceeded to have a 30 minute conversation about how awesome Jackie Chan is. I didn’t used to think he was that awesome because I only knew him as Rush Hour Jackie Chan, where he was goofy and I did not understand the words coming out of his mouth. But since then, I’ve seen more of his movies, and I’ll tell you what, Jackie Chan kicks fucking ass. Watch Supercop, The Legend of Drunken Master and Rumble in the Bronx. He whips so many dudes asses in the most creative ways. Also he gets hurt like so many times doing those stunts and keeps doing them, it’s awesome. I love that dude. Now he gets his own version of Taken. And it’s 78% on Rotten Tomatoes. Sign me up.

Beat Micho-gan, is starting to look more like Be Micho Again. That pun needs work. Oh well, JeffWho’s team is not very good. He and Micho have the two lowest point totals in the league and are the only two teams yet to score 600 points. And just in case you wanted more examples of their crappiness they have the 2nd and 4th lowest Points Against totals, meaning their losses aren’t just bad luck, they’re just plain bad.

10. FuseLitHugeDick

You may have noticed that I make a pick each week for the Thursday games, as well as the London games if they’re happening. Last year, I went 10-6-1. If I actually gambled, I’d have made a nice little pile of money. This year, if you’ve been paying attention to my picks, you’d be making a lot more money… by betting the exact opposite of what I pick. I am currently 2-5-0. Maybe Boom Boom was right to get mad for listening to me.

FuseLitLimpDick more like it! Timmy failed to score a hundred points this week as he lost to Woody 126.35 – 98.35. Ten of Timmy’s starting twelve players failed to score double digits this week. Four of them scored under 4.

9. CheesyGorditaCruch

Thursday Night Football is fucking with my eyes, and I’m not talking about ColorRush. The down and distance is on the left side of the score bar at the bottom of the screen. Fox, CBS, NBC, and ESPN on the other hand, all have the down and distance on the RIGHT side of the score bar thingy. So, for 94% of all football games I watch, if I’m wondering what down it is and how far to go for a first down, I look to the bottom right side of the screen. But for Thursday Night Football, I have to look to the goddamn lower left. I can’t reteach myself how to watch football! I spent the entire 3rd quarter of the Pats-Bucs game thinking it was 3rd down. Big play here, it’s 3rd and 8:09 to go.

After scoring over 160 points last week, and thrashing me by almost 20 points. JBiggs could only manage 111 points this week. You couldn’t have laid this egg last week? JBiggs saw Amari Cooper and Randall Cobb combine for 5 catches for 37 yards (3.70 points), and had his two LBs total 5 solo and 5 assisted tackles (6 points combined).

8. Halftime in Cinci

This week in”What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: The following players were the top-6 tight ends in fantasy last week: Ed Dickson, Darren Fells, George Kittle, Cameron Brate, Zach Ertz and David Njoku. Those 6 players combined for over 100 points. 4 of those 6 guys were not on anyone’s team. At the time, Dickson was 4% owned, Fells was 0%, Kittle was 1% and Njoku was owned by 7% of all fantasy players.

Tough break for PWood. In a week where he put up the second highest total, he ran up against Brendo, who happened to put up 9 points better. PWood is now 1-4 and is by far the most unlucky team in the league. He’s had 742 points scored against him (that’s almost 150 points per week!) so far this season. That’s 30 points more than the next worst team. He’s on pace to have 1930 points scored on him this year, which would be worst in the league by more than 100 points.

7. Finding Foerster

I love me some color Rush, but maybe white isn’t the best idea:

I’m just really happy Nike put another layer of material in the butts.

Oooooohhh yeah! There’s nothing I love more than a team name change. It’s the sure fire way to put an end to a losing streak. Good quality pun too! I had to look up what it meant, but that’s because all the headlines I’d seen were more of the “Miami Offensive Coach Loves Lines” variety. Buckets won by not really getting any good performances from his team, besides 34 (!!) points from the Jacksonville defense. But hey, a win is a win.

6. Dessert First

Not to go full beer nerd on you but… this commercial drives me nuts:

First, please allow me to go quintessential Twitter:

👏🏻Rice👏🏻Is👏🏻Not👏🏻An👏🏻Essential👏🏻Ingredient👏🏻Of👏🏻Beer👏🏻

You don’t need rice to make beer. In fact, you probably shouldn’t use it, since it doesn’t add any flavor or alcohol. It’s basically a filler. This is like saying “Man, I love me some General Tso’s chicken, especially when I get to eat all that white rice afterwards.”

Secondly, you NEED yeast to make beer. Yeast actually IS essential. If you don’t have yeast, your beer has neither alcohol nor carbonation. It doesn’t get you drunk and doesn’t have all those fun bubbles for your tongue. Instead, it’s just yellow water. It’s piss. You would think that since many people make the comparison between Bud Light and piss, that they would try to highlight the one ingredient that actually differentiates them from piss.

Commish got 52 points from his defensive players this week in a 18-point beat down of Timmy. The Miami defense scored 30 points and Telvin Smith had 10 total tackles and a pick-6 to add 20 more points for Woody.

5. PowerFranks Gore

I bought 3 work shirts this week. Each one was 50% off with only $5 shipping and since I now spend like 70% of my life in a work shirt, spending 60 bucks is not that bad of a deal. But I agonized over this decision for like 3 days. I looked at all the sale’s offerings, then waited a day. Put 2 shirts in my cart, then removed one, then put 2 more in my cart. Then waited a day. Then checked my bank account. Then realized that at the end of the day, the sale would probably end, so I should take the deal and finally bought them. The following day, I went to a brewery and bought $120 worth of beer without even blinking. What the fuck is wrong with me?

Welp, it was fun while it lasted. It’s all coming crumbling down. I’ve fallen from first to fifth in 2 weeks. It was fun while it lasted, but this week my team could only muster up 109 points in a 30-point loss to JD. Deshaun Watson was the highest scoring player in the league this week, scoring 53.15 points. That however, was basically half my points, as I had 8 other players score 5 or less points.

4. Spoiler Alert

Micho gets a lot of shit for constantly having his phone in his hand. Or is that just me? But Vegas has a pretty itchy trigger finger too. Not only did he ruin this year’s Toppa Invite for everyone, he drops Woj bombs before Woj:

Check the timestamps. Vegas out here texting out hot news a full 15 minutes before media arm of the Red Sox, WEEI, can push out the news.

Vegas got things back on track this week with a 13-point victory over JeffWho. His three starting wide receivers (Antonio Brown, Tyreek Hill and Chris Hogan) combined for 50.90 points. Zeke Elliot tacked on 20.20 of his own.

3. Tiger’s Wood

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Since so many Toppa Leaguers now have children, I thought it might be helpful if I shared some tips to help these new parents get by. It’s said that one of the hardest parts about having a baby is the lack of sleep. Well, I don’t sleep, because sleep is the cousin of death. You know who said that? Nas. And he’s like a millionaire. So, problem solved.

Another week, another DeSantis DeSwap. JD bounced back from last week’s 118-point performance by putting up 144. Of course, those 118 points were a severe drop off from the 184 he put up the week before. He’s inconsistent, is what I’m saying. Meanwhile his brother lost this week. This is 5 weeks now. When people talk about 2017 being crazy, this is what they’re actually talking about.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Pizza Hut’s new slogan is “Nobody out Pizza’s the Hut” which is ironic, because literally everyone out pizza’s the hut. There are many, many, many pizza places in New York that out pizza the Hut. When I buy two large pizza’s for $15 from 2 Bros Pizza at 3am, and they give me more pizza slices than dollars I spend, even they are out pizza’ing the Hut. When I make english muffin pizzas in my toaster oven, I too am, in fact, out pizza’ing the Hut.

Also, it’s probably not a good idea to have a slogan that makes me think of this every time you say it.

#MainiMagic! It’s a thing. #Nick’s now won three straight. Each week he finds a different way to win. Whether it’s Cam Newton and LeSean McCoy combining for 44.75 points in Week 1, or Sammy Watkins and Devonta Freeman combining for 57.40 in Week 2. Last week, Keenan Allen and the Denver defense combined for 42.80. This week, it didn’t matter that Sammy Watkins scored 0 points, because Dak Prescott scored 36.25.

1. BigBrendoBrand

Big Brendo Brand is getting so big, I’m starting to see merch out here in the city:

Brendo put up back-to-back highest score of the week with 175 last week and 168 this week. Brendo’s now in first place at 4-1 with the second highest point total in the league.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

4-1 BigBrendoBrand takes on 4-1 #Brady40MainiHorny. The winner goes to 5-1 and will be in first place all by themselves. Also, Commish takes on Vice-Commish in a match up of two 2-3 teams.

Philly (+3.5) takes on Carolina tonight. The Eagles will be wearing their traditional colors for their ColorRush uniforms… black. Sigh. Carolina will be in all blue. Enjoy the weekend!


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2016 Power Ranks – Week 4

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Ugh, I knew things were going too well there. Everything was coming up Rhys Nice. Everywhere I looked, I was winning. I was 3-0 in Toppa League and top of the PowerRanks. I was 2-1 and in second place in my sidepiece league, a league I’ve come in last or second-to-last the past two years. Liverpool was 5-1-1 and fourth in the table, tied for 1st in goals, and had won their last three by a combined score of 11-3. Hillary smoked Trump in Monday’s debate. The Red Sox ripped off 11 straight against the rest of the division. I found a sweet apartment in Brooklyn with a patio. And the Patriots were sitting pretty at 3-0, and they were doing it without TFB.

Then it all came crumbling down. The Sox lost to the Yankees in the final few games of the season. The Pats got shutout at home against the Bills. And, worst of all, I lost both match-ups this weekend by a combined 7 points.

I was wondering what changed. And then I realized it. I had moved to Brooklyn. Had I swung all my good mojo by moving into a different apartment with different sports-karma?

I have noticed since moving here things have begun to change. It’s subtle, but I feel… different. My beard has already started growing much longer and thicker. I caught myself wondering if suspenders were an appropriate accessory for keeping my pants up. My vision is getting much worse, to the point where I think I need glasses. I stopped in for a sandwich on my way home the other day and realized that the Fried Tempeh in Sriracha with Gorgonzola on Spelt Sourdough was not, in fact, the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich that I thought I ordered. And why the fuck was I drinking a ginger beer?! And did I pay $8 for it?

I think I’m falling for it too. That ginger beer was quite refreshing. Have you ever had fresh honey? It’s delicious! Our next door neighbor keeps bees and makes his own at home. Our upstairs neighbor makes homemade seltzer. You haven’t lived until you’ve had someone add their own bubbles to your water. And I don’t even mind that it’s impossible to find a bar in Brooklyn with a TV showing sports. I find myself not even caring about sports anymore. I bought myself an old school projector and have started watching 8mm silent horror films. The experience just feels more authentic.

It’s not just me, either. Boom Boom feels it, as well. As soon as she walked into our new apartment, her biological clock went from six to midnight. She’s not even preggers but she’s started pushing around a baby stroller when she goes out. But it’s not just one of those convertible, multi-use, carbon fiber baby strollers. This shit is a pram. Like my grandma used to have. She keeps saying it’s to make sure little baby Timber has a unique formative experience.

I’m just kidding. The good news is now when I talk to people from home and they ask me “You still in Brooklyn?” even though I haven’t lived in Brooklyn for 5 years, I can now say “Yes” and then not have to engage in conversation. I also have my giant TV back and I can’t wait to have Tom Fucking Brady’s beautiful face all over it on Sunday. I’m not worried at all about that Bills game. That shit was classic Belichick. Vanilla offense. Vanilla defense. He gives zero fucks about the Bills. I wouldn’t be surprised if in three weeks, when we go to Buffalo, the Pats win 16 to nothing on purpose.

Woooooo Tommy’s back!!! You know who’s not happy about that?

goodellbsmeter

This Week’s Level: A beach pail full of enough shit to make a sand castle

I bet you’ve noticed a lot more taunting calls this year. In fact, taunting is up 100% since last year. There have been 10 taunting calls in the first 3 weeks of football. Last year, there were 24 taunting penalties total. The NFL was so scared by Odell Beckham and Josh Norman getting in a fight last year, that they (surprise!!) overreacted and tightened the unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. The problem is, this has basically made celebrating in the NFL illegal.

I didn’t see this from two weeks ago because when Scott Hanson says “Let’s check in with the Browns-Ravens game,” I get up to go to the bathroom. But this was called unsportsmanlike conduct:

He legitimately looked like he was tossing the ball to the ref. You can’t even throw the ball NEAR another player or you get a flag for it. Which seems like something that could happen a lot when you are required to give the ball to the ref so he can spot it, and there are players getting up off of the ground everywhere who could, maybe, possibly get in the way. Prior then got another one the next week for celebrating like LeBron James:

That’s right. A flag for doing what LeBron James does before Every. Single. Game. IN THE SAME CITY! And yes, that’s NFL Network’s Twitter being sure capitalize on this exciting play. But by all means, scold the guy for “excessive” celebration.

I’m sure you saw in Week 1, Panthers Lineman Trai Turner got a taunting call for jumping around like a five year old:

boing

After watching this play a bunch, he does kinda jump around in that Broncos guy’s face. But it’s still looks really stupid. The flag should be acting like a moron more than anything. 5-yard penalty. Number 70. Really bad celebration. But then Turner got fined $9,000 for it afterwards. That’s almost ten thousand dollars for bouncing around like you’re on an imaginary pogo stick!

Josh Norman got in trouble for, as the ref put it, “shooting a bow and arrow”:

I’m pretty sure, “shooting a bow and arrow” is not in the actual rule book. Of course, he’s not the first person to ever do that celebration. Travis Kelce did it a few years ago and didn’t get a taunting penalty. And Norman was probably just showing pride for the Native American culture. I mean, he does now play for the Redskins, a team known for honoring the Native American culture in a tasteful manner. It probably just carried over from training camp when they sang “What makes the red man red?” every day while they stretch.

It’s almost like the refs get paid per taunting call. Antonio Brown has gotten taunting penalties for twerking and pumping. Seriously, these are things sports writers have to write about. Brown clearly was like, “Damn, I got flagged for twerking?! This like that Key & Peele shit. I may as well do the actual ‘Too Many Pumps’ next time I score.” But hey, we gotta keep that gratuitous sexiness out of the game. Think about the kids watching. Now show a closeup of the girlies dancing on the sidelines in bras. Excellent.

There’s going to come a time when a player gets kicked out of a game for excessive celebration. And it’s going to suck. A lot. Because it’s not going to be kicking some asshole out of the game for being an asshole. They’re going to kick someone fun out of the game like Brown, or Gronk, or OBJ, or Victor Cruz. Oh my god, please kick out Victor Cruz for salsa-ing. Imagine the takes!!! Give me the backlash against the backlash! Give me the racially charged takes railing against doing the salsa during a football game!! This is Murica dammit! You see those offensive lineman dancing the merengue? You should be proud we even let your family IN. 

There’s obviously a quick fix for this: Don’t make the “dancing personal fouls” the same as “punching a guy in the face personal fouls.” And then loosen up your jock strap. Football is supposed to be fun. If you can’t have fun while doing irreparable damage to your brain, back and knees, what’s the point? But of course, they’re going to overreact to this and add MORE asinine rules. Can’t wait!

Dog Shit of the Week

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Odell Beckham Jr. For the second week in a row, Wonderland VIP’s have the honor of being pooped on by my pup. Beckham was projected to score 13.34 points. If he ended up scoring that amount, Vegas would’ve won his first match-up of the season. Instead, OBJ caught 3 balls for 23 yards, and scored an electric 2.30 points. This meant Vegas lost again and remains a loser.

#Power Rankings

We had a big week. Last week’s last place in the #PowerRankings (PWood) was this week’s highest scorer. #Nick jumped up 4 spots. JeffWho is in a tailspin. And for the second week in a row the top spot has been overthrown. But who cares about that shit, Touchdown Tommy is back this week!

12. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 11)

12. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 6)

12. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 10)

12. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 12)

12. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 8)

12. Wide Right (Last Week: 5)

12. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 4)

12. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 9)

12. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 7)

12. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1)

12. Limp Decker (Last Week: 2)

12. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 3)

That’s right! We’re all #12 this week. And not in that stupid Seattle way. In a Tom Motherfucking Brady way. I can’t fucking wait. Everyone set your lineups and make your picks, but especially Woody. Put Tommy in your goddamn lineup. TFB is back!

The 49ers (+3.5) take on the Cardinals at home tonight. It’s another Color Rush game and another Color Rush screw up. Notice anything interesting about these two teams’ Color Rush uniforms?

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Yup, it’s almost like they didn’t have the Thursday Night Football schedule for 6 months. Anyway, Arizona’s wearing all white, but NOT the all white Nike Color Rush uniform, for some weird reason. But don’t worry, you can still purchase the Nike Color Rush white on whites, and all proceeds will go to the NFL Foundation, which I assume raises money for denying concussions, kill shelters, cancer research (but figuring out ways to give you cancer, not curing it), and the Trump campaign.

Good luck everybody and have a good weekend.