James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!

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2016 Power Ranks – Week 4

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Ugh, I knew things were going too well there. Everything was coming up Rhys Nice. Everywhere I looked, I was winning. I was 3-0 in Toppa League and top of the PowerRanks. I was 2-1 and in second place in my sidepiece league, a league I’ve come in last or second-to-last the past two years. Liverpool was 5-1-1 and fourth in the table, tied for 1st in goals, and had won their last three by a combined score of 11-3. Hillary smoked Trump in Monday’s debate. The Red Sox ripped off 11 straight against the rest of the division. I found a sweet apartment in Brooklyn with a patio. And the Patriots were sitting pretty at 3-0, and they were doing it without TFB.

Then it all came crumbling down. The Sox lost to the Yankees in the final few games of the season. The Pats got shutout at home against the Bills. And, worst of all, I lost both match-ups this weekend by a combined 7 points.

I was wondering what changed. And then I realized it. I had moved to Brooklyn. Had I swung all my good mojo by moving into a different apartment with different sports-karma?

I have noticed since moving here things have begun to change. It’s subtle, but I feel… different. My beard has already started growing much longer and thicker. I caught myself wondering if suspenders were an appropriate accessory for keeping my pants up. My vision is getting much worse, to the point where I think I need glasses. I stopped in for a sandwich on my way home the other day and realized that the Fried Tempeh in Sriracha with Gorgonzola on Spelt Sourdough was not, in fact, the Buffalo Chicken Sandwich that I thought I ordered. And why the fuck was I drinking a ginger beer?! And did I pay $8 for it?

I think I’m falling for it too. That ginger beer was quite refreshing. Have you ever had fresh honey? It’s delicious! Our next door neighbor keeps bees and makes his own at home. Our upstairs neighbor makes homemade seltzer. You haven’t lived until you’ve had someone add their own bubbles to your water. And I don’t even mind that it’s impossible to find a bar in Brooklyn with a TV showing sports. I find myself not even caring about sports anymore. I bought myself an old school projector and have started watching 8mm silent horror films. The experience just feels more authentic.

It’s not just me, either. Boom Boom feels it, as well. As soon as she walked into our new apartment, her biological clock went from six to midnight. She’s not even preggers but she’s started pushing around a baby stroller when she goes out. But it’s not just one of those convertible, multi-use, carbon fiber baby strollers. This shit is a pram. Like my grandma used to have. She keeps saying it’s to make sure little baby Timber has a unique formative experience.

I’m just kidding. The good news is now when I talk to people from home and they ask me “You still in Brooklyn?” even though I haven’t lived in Brooklyn for 5 years, I can now say “Yes” and then not have to engage in conversation. I also have my giant TV back and I can’t wait to have Tom Fucking Brady’s beautiful face all over it on Sunday. I’m not worried at all about that Bills game. That shit was classic Belichick. Vanilla offense. Vanilla defense. He gives zero fucks about the Bills. I wouldn’t be surprised if in three weeks, when we go to Buffalo, the Pats win 16 to nothing on purpose.

Woooooo Tommy’s back!!! You know who’s not happy about that?

goodellbsmeter

This Week’s Level: A beach pail full of enough shit to make a sand castle

I bet you’ve noticed a lot more taunting calls this year. In fact, taunting is up 100% since last year. There have been 10 taunting calls in the first 3 weeks of football. Last year, there were 24 taunting penalties total. The NFL was so scared by Odell Beckham and Josh Norman getting in a fight last year, that they (surprise!!) overreacted and tightened the unsportsmanlike conduct penalties. The problem is, this has basically made celebrating in the NFL illegal.

I didn’t see this from two weeks ago because when Scott Hanson says “Let’s check in with the Browns-Ravens game,” I get up to go to the bathroom. But this was called unsportsmanlike conduct:

He legitimately looked like he was tossing the ball to the ref. You can’t even throw the ball NEAR another player or you get a flag for it. Which seems like something that could happen a lot when you are required to give the ball to the ref so he can spot it, and there are players getting up off of the ground everywhere who could, maybe, possibly get in the way. Prior then got another one the next week for celebrating like LeBron James:

That’s right. A flag for doing what LeBron James does before Every. Single. Game. IN THE SAME CITY! And yes, that’s NFL Network’s Twitter being sure capitalize on this exciting play. But by all means, scold the guy for “excessive” celebration.

I’m sure you saw in Week 1, Panthers Lineman Trai Turner got a taunting call for jumping around like a five year old:

boing

After watching this play a bunch, he does kinda jump around in that Broncos guy’s face. But it’s still looks really stupid. The flag should be acting like a moron more than anything. 5-yard penalty. Number 70. Really bad celebration. But then Turner got fined $9,000 for it afterwards. That’s almost ten thousand dollars for bouncing around like you’re on an imaginary pogo stick!

Josh Norman got in trouble for, as the ref put it, “shooting a bow and arrow”:

I’m pretty sure, “shooting a bow and arrow” is not in the actual rule book. Of course, he’s not the first person to ever do that celebration. Travis Kelce did it a few years ago and didn’t get a taunting penalty. And Norman was probably just showing pride for the Native American culture. I mean, he does now play for the Redskins, a team known for honoring the Native American culture in a tasteful manner. It probably just carried over from training camp when they sang “What makes the red man red?” every day while they stretch.

It’s almost like the refs get paid per taunting call. Antonio Brown has gotten taunting penalties for twerking and pumping. Seriously, these are things sports writers have to write about. Brown clearly was like, “Damn, I got flagged for twerking?! This like that Key & Peele shit. I may as well do the actual ‘Too Many Pumps’ next time I score.” But hey, we gotta keep that gratuitous sexiness out of the game. Think about the kids watching. Now show a closeup of the girlies dancing on the sidelines in bras. Excellent.

There’s going to come a time when a player gets kicked out of a game for excessive celebration. And it’s going to suck. A lot. Because it’s not going to be kicking some asshole out of the game for being an asshole. They’re going to kick someone fun out of the game like Brown, or Gronk, or OBJ, or Victor Cruz. Oh my god, please kick out Victor Cruz for salsa-ing. Imagine the takes!!! Give me the backlash against the backlash! Give me the racially charged takes railing against doing the salsa during a football game!! This is Murica dammit! You see those offensive lineman dancing the merengue? You should be proud we even let your family IN. 

There’s obviously a quick fix for this: Don’t make the “dancing personal fouls” the same as “punching a guy in the face personal fouls.” And then loosen up your jock strap. Football is supposed to be fun. If you can’t have fun while doing irreparable damage to your brain, back and knees, what’s the point? But of course, they’re going to overreact to this and add MORE asinine rules. Can’t wait!

Dog Shit of the Week

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Odell Beckham Jr. For the second week in a row, Wonderland VIP’s have the honor of being pooped on by my pup. Beckham was projected to score 13.34 points. If he ended up scoring that amount, Vegas would’ve won his first match-up of the season. Instead, OBJ caught 3 balls for 23 yards, and scored an electric 2.30 points. This meant Vegas lost again and remains a loser.

#Power Rankings

We had a big week. Last week’s last place in the #PowerRankings (PWood) was this week’s highest scorer. #Nick jumped up 4 spots. JeffWho is in a tailspin. And for the second week in a row the top spot has been overthrown. But who cares about that shit, Touchdown Tommy is back this week!

12. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 11)

12. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 6)

12. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 10)

12. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 12)

12. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 8)

12. Wide Right (Last Week: 5)

12. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 4)

12. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 9)

12. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 7)

12. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1)

12. Limp Decker (Last Week: 2)

12. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 3)

That’s right! We’re all #12 this week. And not in that stupid Seattle way. In a Tom Motherfucking Brady way. I can’t fucking wait. Everyone set your lineups and make your picks, but especially Woody. Put Tommy in your goddamn lineup. TFB is back!

The 49ers (+3.5) take on the Cardinals at home tonight. It’s another Color Rush game and another Color Rush screw up. Notice anything interesting about these two teams’ Color Rush uniforms?

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Yup, it’s almost like they didn’t have the Thursday Night Football schedule for 6 months. Anyway, Arizona’s wearing all white, but NOT the all white Nike Color Rush uniform, for some weird reason. But don’t worry, you can still purchase the Nike Color Rush white on whites, and all proceeds will go to the NFL Foundation, which I assume raises money for denying concussions, kill shelters, cancer research (but figuring out ways to give you cancer, not curing it), and the Trump campaign.

Good luck everybody and have a good weekend.


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Emergency #Deflategate Power Rankings

Annnnnnnnnnd this post has been rendered moot as it was found that the Patriots used backup balls when the refs found the balls were too flat. BACKUP BALLS! WOOOHOOO! Always gotta pack a spare set of balls. But at the time I wrote this, I did know how to sort through my feelings. My parents always told me, if I was confused I should write it all out. Plus I still think these jokes are funny.

So I’m sure you all know by now that the Patriots got caught with 11 of 12 balls underinflated. Somebody fire the equipment manager!! It’s all his fault! We can’t trust someone like that! How do you not underinflate all 12 balls?!

The Patriots obviously just used that one properly inflated ball the entire game. The one time they used an underinflated one, Tom Brady threw an interception. It’s obvious.

By the way, did you know Bob Kraft has a charity that supports kids with special needs? And that he lets the older kids work for in the locker room and the sidelines? So this week when someone comes up to you and tells you that the Patriots are cheaters, you just tell them that some poor retarded kid was in charge of filling up the balls with air. See how they feel about that. (This is almost most definitely not true, but it’s a good one right?)

So, deflating the ball makes it easier to throw and catch. Okay, you know what, let’s take away all 3 of Tom Brady’s touchdowns and all 226 yards passing (200 yards! Such an advantage!). Even if you do that, the Pats still would’ve won 24 – 7 and LaGarrette Blount STILL has 3 touchdowns and STILL has more yards than Andrew Luck. But complain all you want.

Can we stop calling things “—gate”? Watergate was in 1972. That’s over 40 years ago!! There’s a whole generation (actually probably two whole generations) who have no idea why we call things “—-gate”. I only kinda know what Watergate was. There’s probably some 16 year old Colts fan who’s complaining about #deflategate on Twitter and thinks Watergate is a water park. Just fucking stop it. It’s also incredibly lazy. Offensively so. After extensive research (ie. 3 minutes on Google/Wikipedia) there are 70 political scandals using the suffix “—gate” including OfficegateBrothelgate, Camillagate, Chinagate, Debategate, Pastagate, Garglegate, and of course Gategate. There are also 32 sports scandals using the suffix “—gate” including Homeworkgate, Toiletgate, Sodagate, and Grannygate. Fucking stop it!

Let’s #PowerRank the winners and losers from this whole debacle:

12. JEFF WHO

Always and forever

11. Patriots fans who don’t live in New England

See, at least you all can huddle together, get in your Patriots foxhole and tell everyone else to fuck off. I’m out on an island. I have to constantly defend myself against Giants fans and Jets fans and people who don’t watch football but heard on Good Morning America that the red, blue, and silver team was “cheating”.

10. Patriots fans who live in New England

Don’t listen to WEEI. Juuuuuust don’t do it.

9. The NFL

Of course there’s controversy heading into the Super Bowl. From a non-football standpoint, this has been the worst NFL season ever. If Roger Goodell had ANY other job in the world he’d get fired.

Also, this totally shouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Why do teams provide their own balls? Why do they even get the chance to mess with the balls? Why doesn’t the NFL just provide the balls? Major League Baseball provides the balls. The NBA provides the balls. What the fuck?! Hey guys, I’m having poker night where the winner gets $1000. Oh and everyone gets to use their own cards. Don’t worry, I’ll check your deck 3 hours before we play.

And how did the refs not catch this?? That’s the thing I’m most confused about. If you ever catch a ball that’s even a tiny bit deflated, you notice right away. The Linesman and Umpire touch the ball EVERY SINGLE PLAY. How did they not notice?

8. Tom Brady

Oh good, one more reason for people to hate him. Why does everyone hate on a guy who is clearly one of the best ever? Why do we still have to say “one of the”? The guy has now been to more Super Bowls than anyone ever. If he wins, he’ll tie Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montagne for the most Super Bowl wins ever. He’s third in career wins, first in most wins with one team, first in playoff wins and has the highest winning percentage ever. Kinda sounds like best ever to me. And why isn’t Tom Brady in the Derek Jeter zone yet? You hear a lot less “I’m not a fan, but I respect that guy” than “Fuck that guy!” Is it Giselle? Do fat football fans around the country hate Tom Brady because he stole their chance at marrying a Brazilian supermodel?

7. Bill Belichick

Should be lower on this list but he clearly gives zero fucks.

6. Ray Lewis

Now has one more reason to be hypocritical and pretend like he never cheated and never murdered someone. PRAISE JESUS!

5. Marshawn Lynch

At least now he has something to take the media spotlight away from him. Or he has one more thing for the media to ask him about. So maybe he should be lower?

Let’s keep piling on how shitty the NFL is. Did you hear they were going to suspend Marshawn Lynch for wearing gold cleats? Not fine him. Not make him change. SUSPEND him. The Fuck? Why is that a big deal? Those cleats were flames emoji by the way. They say that they weren’t black or white, which is a violation of the uniform policy, but I think that since the cleats weren’t made by Nike or whomever the NFL has their equipment deal with, he wasn’t allowed to wear them.

4. Stupid Seattle Fans

Did you know that Texas A&M is the original 12th Man? It’s true. They copywritted it and everything. Every time the Seahawks use the phrase 12th Man, they have to write this: “® The term 12th MAN is a trademark of Texas A & M University and its use is pursuant to a license agreement with the university.” Fuck you and your face paint and green wigs and your metal canoe of a stadium.

3. Russell Wilson

WAAAAAAAAAAAA! Baby needs his Binkie.

2. ESPN

Just when you thought the week before the week before the Super Bowl was going to be boring, now they can talk about bullshit for an entire week before they can actually start talking about football next week.

1. Skip Bayless

I can only imagine Skip as this thing unfolded Tuesday night. He was probably just sitting there in front of Twitter jerking off, So many hot takes. Sooo many hot takes. Hot Takes. Hot Takes! HotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakes! HOT TAKES! HOT TAAAAAAAAAAAAKES!!!

I know for sure that my balls aren’t underinflated. WE’RE ON TO SEATTLE BITCH!


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Week 14 Power Rankings: Playoff Edition

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First things first, let’s congratulate Raleigh for christening little baby J-Mo. I’m not catholic, so I have no fucking idea what this means but it seems like people dress up for it, so it must be something important.

Next, did you guys hear? Micho saved someone at the airport the other day. Zapped him back to life! That’s fucking awesome. For real. Micho really is The Doctah. Which reminds me, I saw this billboard on my way back to NYC after Thanksgiving:

DOCTAH

You’ve seen it too right? It’s on 95 south, just a bit before New London.

No theme this week, just some musings I had while watching football this week:

I’m pretty sure Dan Fouts said “he was able to get away with his speed and quickness.” How are these things different? Why did “quickness” become a thing that is different than being fast? What’s next? Runfastability? That’s like “Well, little Johnny was able to answer that complex math problem because of his brains and because if his smarts.” Or Meg being like “Well, I love Raleigh because he’s handsome and he’s good looking”. Or PWood saying “Man, Timmy was so fucked up last night. And he was wasted. And he was #fatfingered. And he was drunk.” Stupid NFL broadcasters. These are the same fuckers who gave us “escapability”. Not a word. People didn’t even use that word for Harry Houdini.

I cannot stand that Grand Marnier beatboxer. This arrogant prick jumps on stage while someone else is performing and ruins it by yelling “Pffffffffddddddddddddd” into the mic. Yeah that old black piano player is smiling at you, but I can guarantee he doesn’t like your entitled white ass. Go back to your loft in Brooklyn that your parents bought you.

You know what? I hate Odell Beckham Jr. Two weeks ago, I was totally in awe of his talent. Now, I’m kinda sick of everyone blowing him. Every game they show the highlights of his ridiculous warm up routine where he’s doing one-handed, circus catches, which I admit are amazing, but now they’ve started showing highlights of him doing stuff like this:

http://c.brightcove.com/services/viewer/federated_f9?isVid=1&isUI=1

Oooooooooo!! The ball was on the ground and then he flipped it up with his legs! He spun the ball then kicked it! Woowweeeee!! Know what? I can do that shit. No, seriously. These things are unimpressive. One handed catches while falling over? Impressive. Doing soccer shit with a football that every 13 year old on a travel team can do? Unimpressive. Just remember, in a year from now when Cris Collinsworth is saying for the 433rd time “I tell you what Al, this Odel Beckham kid is something special!” and you’re ready to jump on the “I hate Odell Beckham Jr.” bandwagon, I’m the one driving that bus.

Oh, and it’s obviously a three man race for rookie of the year between ODB, Mike Evans, and Sammy Watkins. This is crazy, because by week six, ROY was going to be Sammy Watkins and it wasn’t close. Now any one of these dudes could win it. I was in a car with Woody, Raleigh and PWood discussing this very topic and Woody, who I suspect has some biases, basically said Sammy Watkins sucked and doesn’t deserve it. Recently, I thought of something that I wish I was able to bring this up in car, but I didn’t think about it at the time; Sammy Watkins would probably be undisputed ROY if he had anyone besides Kyle Orton (well anyone besides him and EJ Manuel) throwing him the ball. Saying Kyle Orton is a bad quarterback is like saying sex is fun. I mean of course, but it’s much, much more than just that.

There aren’t many football related things I like more than watching Andy Dalton being bad at football. My list of favorite things to watch in football are:
1. Tom Brady being Tom Brady
2. Manning face (Peyton)
3. When the Pats have a power running game.
4. Manning face (Eli)
5. Andy Dalton doing terrible Andy Dalton things.
6. Trent Richardson taking a handoff at “full speed” and running straight into the offensive line for 1 yard.

Andy (and, btw, a good football player can’t be named Andy) Dalton is perfectly good at times, but you just know the terribleness is coming. Cincinnati fans must hate themselves for convincing themselves this guy is a good quarterback. I cannot wait to bet against the Bengals in the playoffs. They’re gonna be at home and could be getting 6. And I would still bet against them. I don’t even gamble. Seriously, gun to your head, would you rather have Andy Dalton or Eli Manning? I’d probably just take the gunshot to the head.

You know who else I’m tempted to bet against? Indy. They might not be that good. Have you seen their division? They played Jacksonville, Houston and Tennessee twice. That’s awful. They also played Washington and the Giants. I mean that’s eight automatic wins! Imagine if they played in the AFC North (which, um, why aren’t they? I just looked at a map and they’re more north than both Cincinnati and Baltimore). They’d be 6-10. But, I will never bet against Andrew Luck in the playoffs. Ever. Andy Luck on the other hand? I’d take out a second mortgage to bet against that guy.

Hey, why doesn’t Tom Brady wear his pads in the Sunday Night Football player profile things? Look:

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Every other player wears both their shoulder pads and their thigh pads. Every other player wants to look as tough and badass as possible. But not Tommy. He’s cool with the tight pants hugging his junk and wimpy looking shoulders. And that ridiculous smug look. Look, if I was Tom Brady I’d be oozing self-confidence too, but dude, throw us a bone. We already have to defend you against every other fan in the country who’s some combination of jealous hater and angry hater. Don’t make it harder.

If I were an actor, I’d want my agent to get me a show on CBS. Seriously, those shows are awful. But for some reason, people watch them. I don’t even think they like them. But dammit, they watch them. “Coming in January, Rhys is down on his luck and must move back in with his mom and dad (Rita Wilson and Tom Beringer). Things go from bad to worse when he must share his parents’ basement with his uncle Joey, played by Joey Fatone. Tom Arnold plays Frank, the wacky neighbor. Me and Uncle Joey, coming to CBS Thursdays after Mom.” Sounds like shit doesn’t it? You won’t be saying that when you’re watching it in syndication on Friday nights five years from now.

Playoff Recap

EasleyChungLikeBrady  290.05

Jameson B.C. Portis 161.00

Holy shit! You don’t blow out Raleigh! And not by 130 points! This is insane! 290 points?!? This beats the league record for points in a single game by 40 POINTS! Is anyone else kinda disappointed he didn’t score 300 though? I just looked at his lineup for like three minutes and there’s no possible way he could have, but I would’ve liked that. It would’ve been neat.

Jesus. This is how ridiculous PWood’s team was this week: He had the 2 top scoring players of the week (Matt Ryan and Le’Veon Bell, 100.55 combined points), 4 of the top 10 and the top 3 scoring non-QB players. If he played only his wide receivers, his defense and kicker, he still would’ve beaten Raleigh. And if he didn’t play them, he still would’ve come within less than 10 points of beating him.

TheWilforkSextape  198.45

Switches & Bitches  110.75

How do you get 38 points from your defense? That’s insane! Oh, you shutout terrible Washington with 7 sacks, two picks and a punt return TD, that’s how.

Man, it looks like this Rodgers guy is gonna be pretty good at football. It’s a good thing you drafted him Woody… wait! You didn’t? Someone else did? They must be a total idiot to give him up.

By the way, this is the formula I rode to my fantasy championship belt. Dominating QB (Drew Brees) and a dominating Defense (Seattle). Sigh.

Dibs on Mcfadden 139.70

#GronkScoreNickLose 115.85

Well this was pretty pathetic. If you combined both of these total scores, they still wouldn’t have beaten PWood. And, if you combine the scores of both of the starting QBs in this matchup, they wouldn’t have out scored any of his starting wide receivers (I know, I know ODB had 27.90 and the QBs totaled 29.65 points, but he was PWood’s flex, don’t be a dick about it.) This matchup was won by Percy Harvin. That should tell you how terrible it was. Bleh. 

Did you know Timmy would’ve been better off starting Mark Sanchez. On a related note, Colin Kaepernick stinks! 

Dickson your rear  154.35

Cam Newton Blows  146.05

Looks like mom loves Justin.

Wow, Josh’s team is name “Cam Newton Blows,” but if he had played Cam Newton over Ryan Tannehill, he would’ve won. Man, that’s like 10 thousand spoons when all you need is a knife.

Dog Shits of the Week

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Josh’s Running Backs, LeSean McCoy and Alfred Morris, who are both making a case for Dog Shit of the Year. McCoy went for 50 yds and a lost fumble. Morris had 6 rushing yards and 11 receiving yards. They combined for 4.70 points.

Runners Up: Carlos Hyde (1.20) and Jason Witten (2.60) with all those 50s and 30s on PWood’s team, these two just ruin it.

Also Receiving Votes: Torrey Smith. 0 points. Injured his knee right before the game. Pretty huge considering Josh lost by 8.40 points. That’s a 24 yard touch down catch. Or 84 yards receiving, but I feel like its more devastating to say it the other way; Keenan Allen. Have the found his body on Revis Island yet? They still must be dredging the waters.

#PowerRanks

12. Bell&BountCarPool emoji emoji
11. DoctahSpice
10. Tom Tupa
9. Achilles Me Smalls
8. Switches & Bitches
7. #GronkGoreNicksButtsSore
6. Alanis Morissette
5. Jameson B.C. Portis

Still alive

4. Dickson your rear
3. Dibs on Mcfadden
2. TheWilforkSextape
1. EasleyChungLikeBrady

It’s Woody vs. Justin and PWood vs. Timmy. Things could change if Timmy gets his swagger back and PWood just got lucky last week, but it’s shaping up to be an all Wood Final. Cardinals-Rams tonight. That’s a good one. Set your side TV to that game while you watch Me and Uncle Joey at 9pm/8pm Central on the big screen.


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Week 11 Power Rankings

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I’m back bitches! I’m no longer too Murphied to type, and I’ve got some things to say and some shit to talk.

Before we talk about things that suck, can we take a moment to talk about how fucking amazing the Redzone channel is? I mean if you have it, you already know. But let’s talk about it anyway. I live alone and though Ollie is a great drinking buddy (you should see the shit he does when he’s fucked up!), he’s not much of a conversationalist. So, I don’t get a ton of opportunity to discuss these types of things with many people. 7 hours of only the best football, with no commercials? We’re spoiled. Ruined. I was at a bar in San Francisco two weeks ago with four 50+ inch screens on the left side of the wall showing games, four 50+ inch screens on the right and a 100+ inch screen in the center showing the Niners game. And I was bored at times. Many times! At home last Sunday, I held my pee for 2 hours because I didn’t want to miss anything.

And Chris Hansen is the fucking best. I’m not even jealous of his job. It’s one of the coolest jobs in the world, but he does such a good job at it, he can keep it. He’s the perfect mix of professional sportscaster with a sprinkling of drinking buddy. It’s awesome. I just want to hang out with that guy. Do you think he’s like that all the time? Oh man. “Big Bang Theory has just gone over to commercial so we’re going to switch over to Family Guy on TBS. Okay and the chicken fight has just ended so we’re going to go with a Seinfeld double box with The Junior Mint on CBS 2 and The Puffy Shirt on Fox 5.” Now I really want to hang out with him. I hate having control of the clicker anyway. Maybe he does it with everything. “This steak is a blowout so let’s go back and forth between the mashed potatoes and the garlic broccoli.” Oh my god! Imagine how the guy watches porn! I mean I never want watch porn with another guy because that’s weird (17 guys on the other hand? That’s encouraged.), but that guy probably queues up nothing but the best clips.

And last but soooo not least, the touchdown montage. Jesus Christ I love the touchdown montage. I wouldn’t miss the touchdown montage for anything. I would punch a baby to watch the touchdown montage.

Now as promised, on to things that suck:

Dog Shit of the Week

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The Mannings. Oooohhhhh The Mannings.  7 combined interceptions. Peyton (thankfully) had one of his typical days where he played like shit but had really good numbers. Eli? Well, Eli didn’t have that bad of a day, as long as you don’t count the less 50% completion percentage, 2 sacks, and FIVE INTERCEPTIONS.

Runners Up: The entire NFC South. Fuck this whole division. Are you kidding me? Atlanta’s in first place. Atlanta! Remember when they beat Tampa 56-14? Me neither, that’s because they lost 5 in a row after that, including losses to the Vikings, Giants, and Bears and then needed a shitty 3-6 Carolina to miss two game winning field goals in order to win. And Mike Smith is such a bad coach. I remember watching boring-ass Hard Knocks and was amazed at how bad a coach he was. Watch this video. He spent two days telling his team not to get in fights and to be more disciplined. Then they get in a fight and he’s like “Uh… sometimes fights are… good!” I don’t even think he could convince himself that they’re not soft in that speech. Even though Atlanta won last week, Vegas still has him being the favorite for the next coach to be fired at +250 (that’s a good bet Timmy). 6-10 is going to win this division. Tampa’s not mathematically eliminated yet and their 2-8. Can’t we just have a third Wild Card team instead of a division winner from this piece of shit division?

Also receiving votes: RGIII. This dude is gonna be out of the league in 2 years. He’s this generation’s Daunte Culpepper. Except he’s not Bout It Bout It; For some reason, I felt like the commentators during Sunday’s games were exceptionally more stupid than usual. Here, take these for example:

  • “It’s wide.” This was after watching the replay of the Detroit kicker missing his first game-winning field goal. Really? How’d you know? Was it watching the kick live? Was it listening to the play-by-play guy say “It’s wide left!”? Or was it watching it again in the replay? And that was all he said! “It’s wide.” Fucking idiot.
  • “Emmanuel Sanders is down.” The play-by-play guy said this 3 minutes after he’d already been rolling around on the ground, thinking he was back in kindergarten, while his teammates were trying to shove his brains back in through his ears.
  • “Rivers is on the ground, cramping up.” Your definition of “cramp” is different than mine. I don’t call a 320-pound lineman rolling onto my knee and bending it backwards, a “cramp.” But, you’re the one with the journalism degree. Clown. Then the color guy went on to say, “The legs of a the quarterback…” Redzone thankfully cut away to the next game before that moron could keep talking (yet again, the glory of the Redzone channel!). Yes, please tell me how important the legs of the quarterback are. Are their arms important too?!
  • Also, why did Fox have my best friend, David Diehl, calling the game between the “two best teams in the league” right now? The reason that’s in quotes is because, although Arizona is actually one of the best teams in the league, even with Drew Stanton, Detroit is a fucking fraud. They suck. They lost to the Bills! Then they had to come from behind to beat New Orleans (who suck), had to come from behind to beat Atlanta (who REALLY suck), and had to come from behind to beat Miami (eehhhhhhh). You get the gist. They suck. Anyhoo, my buddy Dave, the guy Fox picked for a marquis matchup, told me it’s important not to turn the ball over in the redzone. Oh, no shit!? Get the fuck out! Really?!? Why’s that? Because you could’ve scored points? And points are what you need to win?!? Fuck you, you big doofus.

Maybe they’re always that stupid and I just happened to notice it and wrote some of it down. I can’t believe these people get paid to do this stuff.

#PowerRankings

12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week #12)

Sigh, all is right with the world. It’s all karma man. The league literally pondered for weeks what Jeff’s punishment should be for trying to sell his team. But it turns out, it was in the hands of the Fantasy Football Gods all along. The only thing that would make it better, if I had somehow told Jeff not to trade Aaron Rodgers before he pulled the trigger. Just a quick update, in case you haven’t been paying attention, he’s got 104 points in TWO WEEKS. This week, he almost had more points than Russell Wilson… by halftime.

Quick sidebar: Imagine if Tom Brady had either Jordy Nelson or Randle Cobb to throw to, never mind both! Holy shit.

11. Snitches & Bitches (Last Week #11)

Blah, blah, blah Austin’s team sucks.

10. Dickson your rear (Last Week #4)

Superfuck your team, Justin. You beat Austin by less than two points. Austin. Your team makes me want to puke. Wanna know why you’re in 10th this week? Because EIGHT other teams have score more points than you have. Fuck your 9-2 record. It’s a disgrace that you’re in second place ahead of Raleigh. He’s scored 400 more points than you. FOUR HUNDRED! The only reason you’re not 4-7 is that you’ve had the least amount of points scored against you. You should be buying a whole shitload of scratch tickets right now.

You’re probably wondering why if only eight teams have more points than Justin, then why is he in tenth? Well, that’s because just before I posted this, I noticed Brendo switched his avatar to Woody taking off his pants in the Westin hotel elevator, so I bumped him up a spot and moved Justin back. It’s about effort fellas.

9. Tom Tupa (Last Week #10)

Sorry bud, but I called this one. It was a fun ride while it lasted, but it’s back to the basement for Brendo. #basementbrendo

8. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week #8)

I stomped #Nick this week and he didn’t seem too happy about it, so I’ll be quick. He even texted out that he hated me. With correct spelling and everything! I’ll just say #Nick’s RBs combined for 7 points and if Bobby Rainey didn’t have an assisted tackle, it’d be less.

7. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week #9)

The wheels are coming off for PWood. Three losses in a row. Clinging to that 8th seed for dear life. That schedule is not looking to friendly either.

6. Retiringthisseason (Last Week #7)

Micho got Raleighed this week. If playoffs started today, he’d be in. But next week he’s matched up with a surging Woody (HA!), which could knock him out of contention. Thankfully for him, he ends the season with JeffWho.

5. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week #6)

Goddammit my team is doing well, but I feel like every week I check my lineup and go “Ehhhh, fuck it.” I don’t feel good about it. But I just gotta get in the playoffs, then its a whole new season. Everyone’s 0-0, or some shit.

4. Cam Newton Blows (Last Week #5)

Beating Pwood broke Josh’s streak of four losses in a row. With games against Brendo and Austin coming up, he should get into the playoffs.

3. TheWilforkSextape (Last Week #3)

RKO Outtanowhere! Four wins in a row, including pulling out a slobberknocker against Raleigh (198-177) two weeks ago. Woody’s looking dangerous. Man, you’d have to be an idiot to trade Aaron Rodgers.

2. Jameson B. C. Portis (Last Week #2)

Uh oh. Knocking Raleigh out of first was not a good idea. Highest score of the week (by 40!). And he’s matched up against #Nick and PWood the next two weeks. Watch your thrown Timmy.

1. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week #1)

Timmy proved he deserves the top spot this week by winning the Blowout of the Week. Go ahead and brush your hair in the elevator mirror buddy, you’re a baller. Just remember who your coach is.

Things are heating up! We’ve got two weeks before the playoffs and Timmy, Raleigh, Woody and stupid, fucking Justin are already in. We’ve only got 4 spots left with two 5-6 teams and five teams at 4-7 fighting for those spots. Set your lineups because the Raiders play the Chefs tonight.


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Week 4 Power Rankings

Just a depressing week. If I didn’t have sex on Monday night, I don’t know how I would’ve taken that game. But I did!

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I probably would’ve gotten really drunk and pissed off. Then I’d probably institute a ban on group texts and fine anyone if they continued to send any texts.

By the way, I’m okay with this. Group texts can very quickly become the worst thing in the world. Hey, who wants 45 texts about where everyone’s meeting up later? I bet those kids in Texas who just got the Ebola virus are like, “Man, I hope I don’t don’t have to be part of a group text about this.”

I’m also okay with Woody doling out more fines. Embrace it buddy. You may not be the Power Hungry Commish we want, but you are the Power Hungry Commish we need! Become the Wooden Hammer. Dress codes! Bans from Twitter! Suspensions all around! Fines for everyone! Late to the draft? FINE! Don’t have your Toppa Card? FINE! Didn’t set your line up? FINE! Didn’t make an eliminator pick? FINE! Tried to sell your team? HUGE FINE! Bills fan?…  I don’t know that’s probably punishment enough. Bills fan talking shit? FINE! Dog Shit of the Week? FINE!

Speaking of…

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Dog Shit of the Week

You mean besides all of the Patriots??? Megatron. 2 catches for 12 yards. If he does basically anything else, Josh beats Timmy.

Runner Up: LeSean McCoy. He probably has a chance to be Dog Shit of the Year. 30 points in 4 weeks?!? That’s #1 overall pick value right there. Also receiving votes: The New England, Carolina, Chicago and Washington defenses. Tom Brady. Pretty much the majority of #nickmaini’s team.

 

12. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 12)

The Oxford English Dictionary defines the word Humble as “Having or showing a modest or low estimate of one’s own importance” as in “Jeff’s team has done so well over the last two weeks that Rhys felt he should move him from last place in the Weekly Power Rankings, but Jeff was not humble in his victory over Nick Maini, so Rhys decided to put his ass in last place again to shut him up.”

Plus you wore this shirt:

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Did it come in your gift basket?

11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)

When I was a sophomore at Rogers, I played goalie for the JV soccer team. We sucked. We lost every single game. Many of them by a lot. I was also the backup goalie for the Varsity team. They sucked. They lost every single game. Sometimes by a lot. This may come as a surprise to you, because our coach was amazing. He was basically one of the greatest soccer minds of our time. Only a once and a lifetime coach like him can come up ICE-80: Intensity. Communication. Execution. And it’s gotta be for 80 Minutes, fellas. Can you believe we didn’t win every game?! My situation of playing JV goalie and riding pine for Varsity meant I was a part of 30something losses and zero wins. Nick’s team reminds me of that situation.

By the way, this week Nick started Pierre Garcon, Bobby Rainey, MJD and Bernard Pierce who combined for a whopping 6.9 points.

10. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 10)

I played rugby in college, and that team was not very good, either. Our A-side team did not win a game for four years. Yes, the same four years that I attended that particular university. (I can’t even sarcastically pretend my rugby coach was good. He was awful. He once called a ref a cunt. Needless to say, the ref did not take our side on many calls that day.) Brendo’s team reminds me of my days on the BU rugby team.

9. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)

I don’t give a shit that Justin beat me head to head. Or that he’s 2-2 and I’m 1-3. One, he only beat me because half my team was on bye. No seriously, we play 12 guys each week and I had 6 players on a bye. And two, he may be 2-2 but I’ve scored 50 more points than him. He’s just had 60 less points scored on him. So, he’s basically been luckier than me.

8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)

In the two fantasy leagues I’m in, I’m a combined 1-7. After rereading the two stories above, I’m convinced I might be a loser. I lost in high school. I lost in college. Now I’m losing as a grown up. I’m even 0-1 in marriages. I’m a loser. Do you think it’s genetic or something? Can I get some kind of loser exorcism? Should I be pouring Gatorade over Wheaties and having it every morning for breakfast?

7. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 6)

On Saturday night a few of us were drinking on Woody’s back porch, and one of the neighbors ended up calling the cops on us. When the cops showed up they found Austin, Woody and PWood in the kitchen, me in the living room playing with my dog and Ryan Maloney taking a shit in the bathroom. It was probably the lamest call they got all weekend. (Apparently, the cop was Sully, an OG from the beach. Back in the days before the beach became the fun water park it is today. Before Gators and before Woody ran shit. The days when Ray would give you a Kyle and you’d just have to sweep up trash for hours. You guys probably don’t even shovel anymore, huh?) The stupidest part about the cops showing up at Woody’s was that there was a full blown, three story Salve house party two blocks away. But no, let’s call the cops on the 5 dudes and their dog playing music on an iPhone. We took the cops showing up as a sign that we all should probably leave and head to the bar. When we got there, Austin was nowhere to be found. He apparently never left with us. I understand buddy. You probably had to tuck in Nana and then take out your tampon. TSS is not a laughing matter.

Yes, I just used 200 words to call Austin a pussy.

6. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 7)

The Wooden Hammer said to me on Saturday that he thought Monday night’s game was going to be an old school Patriots win, where the Pats score 40 in a blowout.

Did you mean like Steve Grogan old school? At least you got the blowout part right.

5. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 3)

This is all just smoke and mirrors. Josh’s strength of schedule is bullshit. Beats Brendo Week 1 by only 14. Convincing win against Austin to make us all think his team is good. Then a win against Justin’s team (which sucks) where he barely scores 100. This week he lost in a barn burner to Timmy where his team pretty much did as good as it’s gonna do. Yeah, Megatron was the Dog Shit of the Week, but Josh won’t get 33 out of Frank Gore every week and Travis Kelce won’t play the Pats every week. I’m on to you Josh. This team is all bunk and hooey.

4. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 5)

It’s sad that I’m actually rooting for someone else’s fantasy team like it’s my own. It started out as a joke that I’m the coach of Timmy’s team, but now it’s the only thing I got going, and it’s the only solace I can get out of each week. I’m so happy I paid $100 to do this every week.

3. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 2)

If you look, PWood is 5th in the standings, but his team is stronger than his 2-2 record. He has the third most points in the league. He just happens to have the third most points scored against him team. Unlucky. Number 5 in your program, number 3 in your hearts.

2. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 4)

Two straight weeks of 190+ points. I’m impressed. Have yourself a beer Micho. You’ve earned it.

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1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

This is how you be humble when winning. 200+ points without Beast Mode nor Emmanuel Sanders. This is Raleigh’s second week of getting the Highest Score of the Week presented by Honey Buns (out of 4 weeks). He’s averaging 175 points per week. Have yet to hear a peep.

Man, do you think Raleigh can go undefeated? That would be crazy, right? He could do it! 9 more wins and then the playoffs. Wow. I think it’s gonna happen.

Set your lineups and make your picks, there’s football on tonight!