Power Rankings

Emergency #Deflategate Power Rankings

Annnnnnnnnnd this post has been rendered moot as it was found that the Patriots used backup balls when the refs found the balls were too flat. BACKUP BALLS! WOOOHOOO! Always gotta pack a spare set of balls. But at the time I wrote this, I did know how to sort through my feelings. My parents always told me, if I was confused I should write it all out. Plus I still think these jokes are funny.

So I’m sure you all know by now that the Patriots got caught with 11 of 12 balls underinflated. Somebody fire the equipment manager!! It’s all his fault! We can’t trust someone like that! How do you not underinflate all 12 balls?!

The Patriots obviously just used that one properly inflated ball the entire game. The one time they used an underinflated one, Tom Brady threw an interception. It’s obvious.

By the way, did you know Bob Kraft has a charity that supports kids with special needs? And that he lets the older kids work for in the locker room and the sidelines? So this week when someone comes up to you and tells you that the Patriots are cheaters, you just tell them that some poor retarded kid was in charge of filling up the balls with air. See how they feel about that. (This is almost most definitely not true, but it’s a good one right?)

So, deflating the ball makes it easier to throw and catch. Okay, you know what, let’s take away all 3 of Tom Brady’s touchdowns and all 226 yards passing (200 yards! Such an advantage!). Even if you do that, the Pats still would’ve won 24 – 7 and LaGarrette Blount STILL has 3 touchdowns and STILL has more yards than Andrew Luck. But complain all you want.

Can we stop calling things “—gate”? Watergate was in 1972. That’s over 40 years ago!! There’s a whole generation (actually probably two whole generations) who have no idea why we call things “—-gate”. I only kinda know what Watergate was. There’s probably some 16 year old Colts fan who’s complaining about #deflategate on Twitter and thinks Watergate is a water park. Just fucking stop it. It’s also incredibly lazy. Offensively so. After extensive research (ie. 3 minutes on Google/Wikipedia) there are 70 political scandals using the suffix “—gate” including OfficegateBrothelgate, Camillagate, Chinagate, Debategate, Pastagate, Garglegate, and of course Gategate. There are also 32 sports scandals using the suffix “—gate” including Homeworkgate, Toiletgate, Sodagate, and Grannygate. Fucking stop it!

Let’s #PowerRank the winners and losers from this whole debacle:


Always and forever

11. Patriots fans who don’t live in New England

See, at least you all can huddle together, get in your Patriots foxhole and tell everyone else to fuck off. I’m out on an island. I have to constantly defend myself against Giants fans and Jets fans and people who don’t watch football but heard on Good Morning America that the red, blue, and silver team was “cheating”.

10. Patriots fans who live in New England

Don’t listen to WEEI. Juuuuuust don’t do it.

9. The NFL

Of course there’s controversy heading into the Super Bowl. From a non-football standpoint, this has been the worst NFL season ever. If Roger Goodell had ANY other job in the world he’d get fired.

Also, this totally shouldn’t be a problem in the first place. Why do teams provide their own balls? Why do they even get the chance to mess with the balls? Why doesn’t the NFL just provide the balls? Major League Baseball provides the balls. The NBA provides the balls. What the fuck?! Hey guys, I’m having poker night where the winner gets $1000. Oh and everyone gets to use their own cards. Don’t worry, I’ll check your deck 3 hours before we play.

And how did the refs not catch this?? That’s the thing I’m most confused about. If you ever catch a ball that’s even a tiny bit deflated, you notice right away. The Linesman and Umpire touch the ball EVERY SINGLE PLAY. How did they not notice?

8. Tom Brady

Oh good, one more reason for people to hate him. Why does everyone hate on a guy who is clearly one of the best ever? Why do we still have to say “one of the”? The guy has now been to more Super Bowls than anyone ever. If he wins, he’ll tie Terry Bradshaw and Joe Montagne for the most Super Bowl wins ever. He’s third in career wins, first in most wins with one team, first in playoff wins and has the highest winning percentage ever. Kinda sounds like best ever to me. And why isn’t Tom Brady in the Derek Jeter zone yet? You hear a lot less “I’m not a fan, but I respect that guy” than “Fuck that guy!” Is it Giselle? Do fat football fans around the country hate Tom Brady because he stole their chance at marrying a Brazilian supermodel?

7. Bill Belichick

Should be lower on this list but he clearly gives zero fucks.

6. Ray Lewis

Now has one more reason to be hypocritical and pretend like he never cheated and never murdered someone. PRAISE JESUS!

5. Marshawn Lynch

At least now he has something to take the media spotlight away from him. Or he has one more thing for the media to ask him about. So maybe he should be lower?

Let’s keep piling on how shitty the NFL is. Did you hear they were going to suspend Marshawn Lynch for wearing gold cleats? Not fine him. Not make him change. SUSPEND him. The Fuck? Why is that a big deal? Those cleats were flames emoji by the way. They say that they weren’t black or white, which is a violation of the uniform policy, but I think that since the cleats weren’t made by Nike or whomever the NFL has their equipment deal with, he wasn’t allowed to wear them.

4. Stupid Seattle Fans

Did you know that Texas A&M is the original 12th Man? It’s true. They copywritted it and everything. Every time the Seahawks use the phrase 12th Man, they have to write this: “® The term 12th MAN is a trademark of Texas A & M University and its use is pursuant to a license agreement with the university.” Fuck you and your face paint and green wigs and your metal canoe of a stadium.

3. Russell Wilson

WAAAAAAAAAAAA! Baby needs his Binkie.


Just when you thought the week before the week before the Super Bowl was going to be boring, now they can talk about bullshit for an entire week before they can actually start talking about football next week.

1. Skip Bayless

I can only imagine Skip as this thing unfolded Tuesday night. He was probably just sitting there in front of Twitter jerking off, So many hot takes. Sooo many hot takes. Hot Takes. Hot Takes! HotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakesHotTakes! HOT TAKES! HOT TAAAAAAAAAAAAKES!!!

I know for sure that my balls aren’t underinflated. WE’RE ON TO SEATTLE BITCH!

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