I received this last night. This is not me on the shitter, however. I have not yet trained my dog to slide things under the bathroom door for me while I take the Browns to the Super Bowl. Marriage must be great.

I was going to put it up on my fridge, but I’m pretty much at critical capacity for fridge space. I need Gronk to kick some of this stuff out the club to make room.

In order to figure out what I should remove I decided to rank the stuff that’s already on there and kick out what comes in last. Maybe you don’t care about the stuff that is on my fridge. Well, I don’t care that you don’t care. I’m using this as a chance to practice my blogging craft, and practice makes perfect. I think Alen Iverson said that. Gotta stay in shape during the offseason.

Here we go!

#PowerRanks

14. Invitation: Toppa League Draft

Toppa League has come and gone. We have a new champion (and much better pictures) and #Nick is no longer relevant. This is the frontrunner for the trash. I don’t need pictures of FatFingered Nick on my fridge anymore. That’s what SnapChat is for. The only thing is, it’s, well, you know, Toppa League. Can I get a March Madness invite to replace this with?

13. Save the Date: Conor & Kate

This stays only so I remember when Conor and Kate got married. Annnnnd then forget to wish them a happy anniversary. I can’t tell if they purposefully rhymed Save the Date, Conor & Kate. If they did, bonus points. Rhyming gets me every time. Mini power ranks side bar:

1. Alliteration
2. Rhyming (but not poems, fuck poems)
3. Hip hop jargon
4. Olde English
5. Putting in zero effort

But part of me thinks that it was just a pleasant accident. No bonus points awarded!

Bonus points for being a magnet, however. I don’t need to waste valuable other magnets to hold this up (yes, you will notice all my magnets are made of beer caps). It can hold OTHER stuff up, like receipts, or small pieces of paper (this magnet is not very strong). Save the Date magnets are where it’s at. Way to fuck that up Maloney.

12. Holiday Card w/ Children: Sean 2014

They’re not even looking at the camera! I can get my dog to look at the camera. Ugh, terrible parenting.

11. Holiday Card: Woody & Erin 2013

This one’s getting a little old and may lose it’s spot soon. But I’m in it (twice! That’s my back in the trolley), so who are we kidding?

10. Save the Date: Marjorie & Murph

This has the upper hand on Conor and Kate because, again MAGNET!, but also is newer and fresher than Conor and Kate AND has the Full House house. Fuck you and your Ledge Road Conor and Kate. Boom! Pop Culture Icon!

Minus points for not using alliteration. It’s right there! No one calls you Patrick!

9. Holiday Card w/ Children Child: Sean 2013

 

This is only one of his kids. Even though he totally had two at the time! Honestly though, she’s wicked fucking cute in this picture.

8. Holiday Card w/ Child: Conor 2014

This is not their baby. This is an Asian baby. Conor and Kate are not Asian. The kid’s name is Ronan. That’s another word for a ninja. Samurai, whatever. Asian.

7. Marriage Announcement: Nye & Lisa

Fact 1: My Brother and his girlfriend went to South Africa.

Fact 2: They told no one that they planned to get married in South Africa.

Fact 3: They told NO ONE that they planned to GET MARRIED in South Africa.

Fact 4: THEY TOLD NO ONE THAT THEY PLANNED TO GET MARRIED IN SOUTH AFRICA.

Fact 5: They got married in South Africa.

Fact 6: A week after getting home, they sent out this #humblebrag.

6. Invitation: PWood’s Wedding

Wedding invitations are infinitely less cool than Save the Dates. All these Save the Dates have pictures of the people getting married on them. It makes you go “Aww, look at them. They look so happy! I will definitely save this date on my calendar to celebrate with them.” Wedding invitations are written in fucking calligraphy and spell out everything out. August the Twenty First, Two Thousand and Fifteen. So much superfluous (I just highfived myself for using that word) stuff going on. I don’t need to know your middle name! Of course these people are celebrating “Along with their families”, what family is not going to their kids’ wedding?!? (Mine. Turns out, the answer is mine.)  There’s like seven different pieces of paper involved and each one is some hardcore cardstock. I need 3 fucking magnets to hold it all on there. Just write “Dinner and dancing to follow” and save some fucking trees.

4. Save the Date: Woody & Erin

 

It looks like a Celtics ticket! Class. Fucking. Act. I’m going to have to bring the fridge with me when I move out of this apartment because this Save the Date is going to be GLUED to it.

3. Save the Date: Ryan & Liisa

Obviously this one is high on the list. The list was created for this one, you idiot.

Look at this Goober. Someone is definitely making fun of him while his mom is taking this picture.

2. Picture: Woody Bowl

Yeah this is getting glued to the fridge too. Extra points for reminding me every time of how Micho took a safety on a high snap by booting the ball out of the back of the endzone.

1a. Picture: Murph’s Wedding (Me, Micho, Woody & Erin)

Erin makes the same face in every single one of these photos. It’s almost like she’s not as drunk as everyone else or something. Damn, I wanted to steal that horse, but I forgot. Because I was drunk. This also gets bonus points because this has the picture I used for the Doctah Spice billboard.

1. Picture: Murph’s Wedding (Me, Conor, Woody & Ryan)

All four of these pictures make me laugh. In that last picture, we look like a group of wrestling heels in a Survivor Series match. I fucking love it.

Verdict: Deuces, Toppa League Draft Invite. It was fun while it lasted. The good news is, only 5 more months until your replacement comes.