Power Rankings

2015 NFL Schedule Power Rankings

Well the Celtics lost, but the NFL released the 2015 schedule which gets me thinking about football, then gets me thinking about this:


And suddenly that loss isn’t so bad.

The NFL is always wacky and half the teams who are supposed to suck, don’t (watch out for Oakland) and half the teams who are supposed to be good, suck (Dallas?). But nevertheless I couldn’t resist ranking some of the match ups for the upcoming 2015 NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE season.


12. Tennessee at Jacksonville Week 11

Oh god! This is awful. These teams could have 3 wins between the two of them. And it’s a Thursday Night Stinker. That name’s still in the works. Don’t worry by September I’ll have a good name for these goddawful Thursday night games.

11. Cleveland at Cinncinati Week 9

Not only do these teams suck, this game is on Thursday. This is going to be the worst game ever. So many thumbs down emojis. Pale white thumbs down. Tan white thumbs down. Light skinned black guy thumbs down.  And really, really black guy thumbs down.

Timmy take the under.

10. Buffalo “at” Jacksonville Week 7 in London

Why do we keep sending the shittiest games to London? At what point do the English people stop coming to these games because the teams we send over are so awful? “Oh no, another Jacksonville Jagyuers match? I don’t think I’ll be making it to the pitch this Sundee.” (I think Buffalo will be good next year, but this isn’t exactly New England-Denver) This would be like the Premier League agreeing to play games in America every year and sending Queens Park Rangers to play Burnley (for those of you don’t know, those teams suck).

That said, this games on at 9:30am. We all know how I feel about 9:30am games. Will I watch this game in my underwear, drinking a coffee and beer, with some pancakes? Hell yes! Will it be on the second TV while I watch Premier League on the big TV? Probably.

9.  Tennessee at New York Jets Week 14

I can’t wait to spend $250 dollars to watch the Pats game online so I don’t have to watch this dog shit of a game on local TV. Let me just take a second to make this clear. This will be the only game on in New York City. The Guaranteed-To-Not-Be-Good Tennessee Titans at the All-Signs-Point-To-Still-Not-Being-Good New York Jets.

8. San Francisco at New York Giants Week 5

These two teams could suck. Like a lot.

7. Chicago at St. Louis Week 10

I tried to find the most “meh” game I could for the middle of the list. Chicago will suck, but only kinda. St. Louis is just plain boring, especially at home. I don’t even remember who their quarterback is.

6. New England at Dallas Week 5

Good game. 4:25pm start. Love those games, I can get drunk and not be hungover for work.

5. Dallas at Green Bay Week 14

Something tells me there will be some kind of Tony Romo storyline at this point. Dallas is 5-9 and it’s all his fault. Dallas is 10-4 because of him. Dallas is 10-4 despite of him. They found a dead hooker in Jerry Jones’s trunk and they’re blaming Tony Romo. Plus it’ll be cold as a witches tit, perfect temperature for football.

4. Pittsburgh at Seattle Week 12

Now that Pittsburgh got rid of the rotting corpse of Troy Pertplusamalu, they may be decent on defense. They also scored a buttload last year. And Seattle will be good until they have to start paying Russel Wilson more than $34 and a free hot dog after every game.

3. New England at Denver Week 12

What? Are you sick of this matchup? GTFO! It’s tradition at this point. In 8 years when the Pats are 3-13, you’re gonna be pining for Brady-Manning. Savor it while it’s here.

2. Seattle at Green Bay Week 2

Hey remember when we won the Super Bowl against Seattle? Holy Fuck!

Anyways, NFC championship game rematch? Yes please. Maybe the Packers play to actually win and don’t play to not lose.

1. Pittsburgh at New England

True story: I just punched an old lady in the face when I the Pats are gonna open the season against Pittsburgh. WOOOO! FUCK YEAH OLD LADY!!! NFL!! PATRIOTS!! SUPER BOWL CHAMPS!! OPENING NIGHT!!!

Only 142 days to go!

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