Yeeeeeaaaaahhhhh buddy! Toppa League Draft invite came in the mail today. That means it’s time to start studying, mocking, and getting my blog reps in. Luckily for you assholes, I’ve been keeping my typing fingers strong by running my other fantasy blog: the Sumer Movie Fantasy League. That’s right, I’m in a fantasy movie league. I’ll do a fantasy draft and blog about anything.
But, Power Rankings is where my heart lies so let’s power ranks some shit. Since everyone on the invite is coming in hot-teh-teh-teh-teh, let’s rank just how hot everyone is coming in at.
Current champion. Brought his goddamn belt to his wedding. We should all take a moment and think about how we’re not doing it right. And he’s in front of a mansion.* Straight baller.
*I bet Cornelius Vanderbilt was doing suck it 150 years before it was a thing. Just walking around wiping his ass with bars of gold telling all the other railroad owners that he had two words for them.
2. Raleigh Buckets
Those are some pretty sick dance moves for a guy with a flip phone.
Did any of you guys spot Brendo looking sketchy as fuck in the back of this picture?
It’s a quality “suck it” and you gotta love the Razor Ramon face. But PWood’s got ya beat.
4. Rhys Nice
Sock game is strong. And many of you could say “well we had TFB socks on.” And I say, so what, I have Dee Brown socks, and they’re dope, but this was a wedding. I’m not a fucking heathen.
I admit I look a little ridiculous. I probably should not be laughing that hard. There’s no way Woody said something that funny.
Timmy looks like a JoS A. Bank model. Before you get all excited, that’s not a compliment. I didn’t say Barney’s or J Crew or even Macy’s or JC Penny’s. They basically give suits away for free at JoS A. Bank. I saw a sale where if you bought a jacket you got 2 suits free. Their models are probably all JoS’s nephews.
Do you think JoS’s friends all have to call him Joseph A. Bank? Like Steven A. Smith? And that they all have to spell his name in that weird way with the capital S?
6. Jeff Who
Look at Jeffrey. All dressed up and out on a date. What is that a mixed green salad? Looks delicious. You taking a picture for your food blog? Respect.
Look at that swagger! He’s got that “I get to have sex with just one person for the rest of my life” bounce in his step.
And I still can’t believe you wore brown shoes with black Nike socks. What did you wear to your kid’s christening? A FUBU jersey?
“Brennan, honey, how was Homecoming?”
“Mom!!! I told you not to barge into room when I’m on the computer!!”
Surprise, surprise. #Nick has a drink in his hand.
How bout a smile there buddy? This looks like the OK Cupid profile picture of a serial killer.
“Hi, my name is John Smith and I’m from backwoods Maine. I like snowmobiling, taxidermy and chopping 18 and 19 year old women up into pieces and keeping them in my ice chest.”
Is that?.. Did you highlight your hair?! 2002 called and it’s saying that shit didn’t look good back then either. Is that something people do in Vegas? No one does that shit here. Or anywhere. What happens in Vegas should stay the fuck in Vegas.
Oh you thought just because you came in second last year that you deserve to be high in the power ranks. Well none of us forgot that you were the 2006 Bears of the Toppa League. You were the luckiest team in the history of fantasy football. The North remembers motherfucker.
How did you find a hat in your size?
There you have it boys. Timmy, you can now tell the ladies at the bar that you’re the 5th hottest of your 12 friends. Guaranteed to get you laid.
It’s still only July, which means I’m sure I’ve got a couple more posts in me before the season starts. Until then, don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.