Happy Toppa Draft Day Eve

I took my first step to getting ready for Fantasy Football the other day. I went from this:

To this:

What do you say Big Bird, can you spot the difference? That’s right. I replaced the Mint app with the Yahoo Fantasy app on my home screen. Fuck you Mint! Who needs financial responsibility when there’s fantasy football to pay attention to? Not this guy. I’m more than happy to throw down 13o bucks for a 8% chance to win $170. By the way, the entry fee is feeling pretty steep this year. Are we really all just trusting Woody’s math? Maybe you do, but I went to high school with that kid. And Austin should have to pay the full fee no matter what. I don’t care if he won the fantasy putt-putt roto league. Full fee. Every time.

And we gotta bring pizza money too?! That’s where they get ya.

Speaking of the Yahoo App:

Dear Yahoo! Fantasy Sports,

I really love the experience you provide with your fantasy football service. I also think your app is really well done and find the user experience great. But for godssake why the hell can I only use 20 characters for my team name? That’s nowhere near enough!! How can you not have improved this yet? 20 characters?! Come on!

I also appreciate your attempt to improve the overall experience of your fantasy website, but how bout you cool it on the “Instantly Join A League” button? I accidentally hit that button the other day, and next thing I knew, I was in a draft. A real draft, not a mock one. A real one, with other people that I didn’t know. I think everyone else in the league made the same mistake because every single one of us got a “B-” for our draft which happened to take place at 6:54 am on a Monday. I’m pretty sure Dez Bryant and Mike Evans will both start on their bye in week 6 when I play JW’s Tip-Top Team. So, now I’m stuck in this league. And I wouldn’t give a shit, but it shows up in the “My Teams” section on your app and I can’t ignore it. And I know that I’ll be getting push notifications like “Wuh-oh! Conor Barth isn’t playing this week!” all season. Aside from that, keep up the good work.

Love,

Rhys

Dog Shit of the Week

Roger Goodell: Here now is record from the U.S. District Court in New York on Wednesday between Judge Richard M. Berman and NFL lead counsel Daniel Nash:

Berman: “Why wouldn’t you produce Mr. Jeff Pash, who is the league’s general counsel, and make him available for testimony in Mr. Brady’s June 23 appeal?”

Nash: “The union created this issue. What Commissioner Roger Goodell issued was a judgment that he was not a relevant witness.”

Berman: “But he edited the Wells Report. He’s a lawyer. He’s an executive on the NFL’s staff. Why not make him available?”

Nash: No answer.

Berman: “How could Mr. Goodell, in his decision to uphold the (four-game suspension), equate the act of intentionally deflating footballs to a player taking performance-enhancing drugs?”

Nash: “Mr. Goodell found that the deflation of the balls was to gain a competitive advantage, which he deemed an example of conduct detrimental to the league,” Nash said. “The judgment involves the integrity of the game.”

Berman: “I have a little trouble with that. Everything involves the integrity of the game.”

Nash: No answer.

And now that judge is ordering both Brady and Goodell to come to court on Monday. Brady wasn’t there because he probably was like, “Fuck this, I’m going to practice.” Goodell wasn’t there because he was probably like “Well if he’s not going, then I’m not going. Waaah where’s my binkie?!”

So he wouldn’t allow the NFLPA lawyer cross-examine the guy who wrote the Wells Report because he said he “wasn’t relevant” and then claimed that deflating the balls by 1 or 2 psi is equal to taking HGH. And there’s that time when the Panthers and Vikings were practically putting the ball in the microwave during a game when it was 12-degrees and the NFL basically just said don’t do it again. No fines. No loss of a draft pick. No suspensions. And you know someone’s doing a shitty job when I’m agreeing with Richard Sherman. And he’s right, Brady’s fine and suspension is way worse than what any owner would get for a worse offense. It’s a good point. Did you know he went to Stanford?

#GoodRogerForCommish

#PowerRanks

12. Fire up that kush

Hahahaha, pot….. sorry, lame.

The best part about this is I can picture Timmy just shrugging his shoulders and going “Whatever.” and it just makes me laugh. So I have no bad feelings about this.

11. She My Wendy Peffercorn

You used this shit before man. Tryin’ to relive the glory days of when you came in fourth, huh?

Dude, this was your chance to start the season strong. Instead, you just rolled back some tired-ass shit.

10. J.B.HaHaClinton-Dix

Buckets continuing his tradition of just naming his team after people in the league, with no real creativity. HaHa Clinton-Dix probably has the most ridiculous name in the league, but that’s all it is. I can just see Raleigh looking at his computer screen, arms crossed, nodding, “Yeah boy, I just put my kid’s initials into that funny name. Nice.”

To be honest, I think Raleigh’s going to have a lot of weeks at the top, if the last two years are any indication, so let’s give him some time near the bottom for once.

Does Ha Ha have brothers and sisters? “These is ma kids Ha Ha, Ho Ho, He He, Bing Bong, Kit Kat, and Chris.”

9. #BroNationEjaQlation

+2 for integrating the Q perfectly. Fuck you again, Yahoo!

My favorite excerpts of definitions of “Bro” from Urban Dictionary:

“An alpha male idiot. This is the derogatory sense of the word (common usage in the western US): white, 16-25 years old, inarticulate, belligerent, talks about nothing but chicks and beer”

“Obnoxious partying males who are often seen at college parties. When they aren’t making an ass of themselves they usually just stand around holding a red plastic cup waiting for something exciting to happen so they can scream something that demonstrates how much they enjoy partying.”

They forgot “is a match-up nightmare for both cornerbacks and linebackers” and “is a dominant tight end for the New England Patriots.”

8. It Ertz when Eifert

+3 points for a fart joke. -2 for me being able to find this in multiple places just by googling “Fantasy team names.”

7. One for the Thumb

More like, One for the bum! Boom Roasted!

6. Ladies and Edelman

What’s this all about, huh? Are you a Pats fan now or something? I think you might be. I think you might be. Just come to our side man. We won’t judge you. We won’t say you’re a front runner because you became a fan right after they won the Super Bowl. Just stop it with this Bills stuff. They suck. They’ve always sucked. Even if they ever become good, that’s the team you want to be in on. Buffalo?!

Either that or you just think Edelman’s a hottie, which I can’t fault you for.

5. ScottHanson’sFluffer

My runner up here was Genye West. You know because they both broke their jaws. But I wasn’t loving it. Then my man Scott Hanson came to me in a dream. A glorious and wonderful dream. He said to me “Rhys, I’m getting ready to do my show of 8 hours of commercial free, non-stop football action, but I need a little help maintaining my concentration.” I CAN HELP SCOTT! I gladly would be Scott Hanson’s fluffer. That dude is my hero. He has my dream job. I would happily fluff him. For years. Just in hopes of one day replacing him as host of the RedZone channel.

I can’t fucking wait for RedZone to come back!

Does he have a urinal somehow built into that desk he stands behind. He’s got to right? It’s like those cover up things women use for breastfeeding, except it blocks his dick from live TV.

Scott Hanson falls into that interesting category where dudes LOVE him and probably want to talk to him about what he does wherever he goes, and chicks have no idea who he is. He seems like a nice guy and everything, but I bet he wishes it was at least like 10% more even.

4. OBJYN

Let’s get this out of the way.

There.

Now let me tell you about how I hate Odell Beckham Jr. Look that grab was sick and he was a fantasy monster down the stretch, but I don’t need to see him needlessly make one handed catches every time he warms up for a game. Oh and every SINGLE wide receiver does one handed catches during warm ups. I saw Edelman catching one handers warming up for the Super Bowl. Odell’s catching one handers warming up for a big match-up against the Saints for a chance to end up 7-9 and everyone puts their knee pads on.

Also, can we also stop calling him by his full name every goddamn time we refer to him. Odell Beckham Jr. His dad isn’t playing in the fucking game. I’m not gonna mix him up with some other Odell Beckham. Honestly, he’s good enough that we can just call him Odell and be done with it.

And he does that fucking whip dance!! I know he was doing it last year but I definitely blame him and JJ Watt for stupid white girls who can’t dance telling me to watch them whip and then to watch them nene. STOP IT! YOU ARE ALL SO BAD AT BOTH OF THOSE DANCES! Now, I’m not trying to say I can do either of them, but I live around a lot of black people and there are some 5-year-old girls who are waaaaaaay better at that shit than you white betches.

Oh, and he totally could’ve used his second hand. He went up with one hand on purpose.

3. All out of bubblegum

RIP Raudy Roddy Pipper

2. daMARYius WOODhead

Did you know Woody had a kid? No? Well, you should be his Snapchat friend so you can get 57,000 pictures of a baby lying on the floor. Not even doing anything cool, like doing backflips or punching someone in the face, or even farting! I’d watch videos of a baby farting. That sounds pretty damn funny to me. Know what’s not funny? A baby just sitting in a chair or lying on the floor.

1. JPP Finger Bang

Yeah so I found this one in a couple places too. But it’s way funnier than the other ones. Sexual innuendo (in your end-o!)? Check. Puns? Check. Making fun of a complete idiot who blew up his finger with fireworks? Check. Referencing South Park in your avatar photo? Huge Bonus.

 

YEEEEEEEEAAAAAHHHH BUDDY! Toppa Draft tomorrow boys! Work has been shitty, so I’m going to take out all my frustrations by drinking way too much. The pizza money mentioned earlier is undoubtedly going to Dominos, so that means #RhysFarts for days. I have a solid week of research under my belt, watched half of a preseason game and watched two episodes of Hard Knocks. (It needs to be mentioned, that the belt under which said week of research is found, is a Championship Belt. Suck My Warburton, bitches!!) I’m fired up already! Man U plays Newcastle at 7:45am. I might just start drinking then.