It’s opening day! And much like summer reading, I struggled to do my first assignment. I still never figured out how Wuthering Heights ended.
I was going to write about the Brady decision. I was taking my time reading that document, enjoying it like a fine wine. I savored every sentence of that shit. I highlighted parts of it. I emailed parts of it to my dad. I hadn’t had that much fun reading a legal document since my divorce papers.
But then this Spygate cocksucking, bullshit comes out. And really, this is so obviously calculated by ESPN. I mean, why would this story come out now? 2 business days after the Brady decision, they put this thing out? 2 days before the season? 8 years after it happened?!? They were just sitting on this thing, waiting for everyone to go, “Man, I’m happy that’s over, now I can go back to my regular football watching habits.” To which ESPN replies “No! We must keep you watching our stupid, boring channel. Here, you hate the Patriots right? Well, look what they did!” Ugh, Superfuck ESPN. Remember when they were funny and interesting people gave you the highlights you wanted to see? Now they’re just interviews with ex-middling athletes.
Also, part of this was clearly put out by ESPN to say, “See? We’re totally not in bed with Goodell! He destroyed evidence! We’re unbiased.” Except no one will actually remember this as a bad thing for the NFL. This isn’t that much more damning for the NFL. Everyone already thinks Goodell sucks. However, he still won’t lose his job over this. He makes the owners too much money. In the future, everyone will now remember that the Patriots spied and stole from every team from 2000-2015, regardless if it’s true or not.
I read the parts of that OTL piece about Ernie Adams and I’m just saying, maybe this guy is Belichick’s longtime buddy, but he’s, you know, a little slow*. So, he gives him an office and tells him to do research. And then, because he’s his buddy, Belichick lets him sit in the box and gives him a headset. You know, to make him feel special. Then, when Ernie sees a play that he thinks he knows**, he calls down to Bill and tells him whether he thinks its a run or a pass. And Belichick being the nice guy that he is, just says “Alright Ernie, thanks!” I mean, it’s a possibility.
*Or as Micho would say, a “weetahd”
**It was kinda hard watching Ernie hold up that play in Do Your Job last night. I’ve been brainwashed. For a second I debated whether he stole it. I also couldn’t help but think he drew that play in crayon.
Last thing, I promise. I am going to try and ask a rational question, and hopefully it doesn’t come off as “But everyone was doing it!!” Here goes: If the Pats had been cheating (allegedly) for the better part of 7 years (allegedly) and all these people knew about it (allegedly), so much so that they would leave fake play books out in the locker room for the Patriots staff to sneak in and steal them, then how come no one said anything? Seriously, if all these people are coming out of the woodwork now to say, “Oh yeah, they did this during that game or did that during this game,” why didn’t they just come out and say it 10 years ago at the time it happened (allegedly)? Really, Herm Edwards isn’t gonna whine like a little bitch if he heard about that stuff? Brian Billick isn’t going to complain and complain and complain if he found out something like that? I actually want to know why this isn’t a thing.
But maybe this all just goes away. It’s already near the bottom of ESPN.com. Deadspin only mentioned it once yesterday. Do you even remember that a fucking plane disappeared last year? For like a week?! I don’t. I just googled whether it disappeared last year or this year.
The season will start. The Patriots will put up yet another banner*. Al Michaels will talk about this twice; once, in the beginning of the broadcast and again when the Pats are up by 17 and the game’s getting a bit boring. And we’ll move on. We’re on to the GODDAMN REGULAR SEASON!!!
*The best part about this is they’re taking down that goddamn 16-0 banner
Dogshit of the Week
Bill Plaschke. Prick. Deuche. King Troll.
Runner Up: Roger Goodell. I’m tempted to put Roger Goodell as at least the Runner Up Dogshit of the Week every week. We’ll see how the season goes.
It just feels right. It may be 90 degrees out, but it’s starting to feel like fall now that football is starting and Jeff is in last place.
Worst Pick: Johnny Manziel. He’s not even good as your team’s coke connect anymore. You know he’s projected to score 12 points this season. Season. As a QB.
Worst Pick: Jameis Winston & Marcus Mariotta back to back picks. And it wasn’t even in the last 2 rounds of the draft.
Worst Pick: Apparently Joique Bell. He’s still number one on the depth chart!
I’m totally going to start him when I play Nick, even if he’s hurt. And when I win, I get to name his first born child.
9. daMARYius WOODhead
Worst Pick: If you think I’m gonna say Trent Richardson here, you’re completely right. Trent Richardson. Trent Richardson is a terrible, terrible pick. Always. No matter if it’s the 4th round like last year, or the 14th like this year.
Woody told me that he hates Trent Richardson “like he slept with his wife.” Why do you keep going back to him man? This is draftomestic abuse. No means no.
Worst Pick: Nick Foles. Wait, really? I don’t care when you made this pick, or if you immediately dropped him. This is awful.
Solid team name though. Extra points for that one.
Why did everyone take terrible quarterbacks in the last round? Did I miss something? Did this become a 2 QB league and no one told me? Is this some kind of new tradition where everyone has to take a quarterback in the last round, but everyone has to one up each other by taking the worst one they can think of?
Worst Pick: Not taking that trade. I’m telling you Joique is gonna go off.
Worst Pick: Roy Helu Jr. I don’t really have much to say about this pick since it’s boring and he sucks.
5. JPP’s Finger Bang
Worst Pick: Tom Brady.
Just kidding. He’s gonna score a million points. The Pats are going to run up the score on EEEVVVVEEERRRRYYYYBBBOOODDDYYY. So many FU TDs.
4. It Ertz When Eifert
Worst Pick: Justin Tucker. You really had to lock down the Baltimore kicker 4 rounds early huh?
3. Ladies and Edleman
Worst Pick: Drinking mimosas at 9am on Draft Day.
I’d give you the highest spot here because you got the best report card on your draft, but last year I got an A+ and came in 9th. So it means nothing.
Worst Pick: Devin Funches. It’s not your fault. This is a result of us having our draft 14 weeks ago, right after Kelvin Benjamin got hurt. It seemed like Funches was gonna be the guy, but it looks like you’d be better off drafting Ron Funches.
1. Big D Berman
Worst Pick: Dwayne Bowe. No one should ever take him ever again. That dude sucks. There was a 3-4 year period where he ended up on every single one of my fantasy teams and was just good enough to never take out of your lineup but always shitty enough for you to hate his fucking guts. And that was like 3 years ago.
When you’re the champ, you get pole position. You’re king of the mountain until someone comes and knocks you off. Just because Yahoo gave you a C on your draft doesn’t mean you’re still not number one. When you’re the champ, you’re the champ until you’re not the champ anymore. That shit was prolific, I should get a job at ESPN.
It’s opening night baby! Steelers play the motherfucking Super Bowl champion Patriots in Foxboro at 8:30 on NBC.
Set your lineup if you’ve got Pats or Steelers. Be sure to play Le’Veon Bell, he just won an appeal on his suspension. Also, set your Survivor pick. And be sure to start drinking early. Get nice and rowdy. It’s an 8:30 game, you have a lot of time to get lubed up.