Power Rankings

Week 1 Power Rankings


Well it’s another Patriots win and another Patriots controversy. I’m now at the point where I want there to be a controversy every week. Bring it on. How many more “–gates” can you give me?

  • Week 2 – Feetgate: The Patriots are accused of hacking the jumbotron at Ralph Wilson stadium when it shows videos of feet at key points in the game. Rex Ryan gets so distracted that he forgets to call a defense.
  • Week 3 – Peegate: Someone pees in the pool at Jacksonville’s stadium. The Patriots are blamed. It was later found out to be this woman:


  • Week 4 – Byegate: On First Take, Skip Bayless wonders if it’s fair for the Patriots to get a week off during the season to rest. Steven A. Smith counters by saying it’s okay to beat your wife and kids. The ESPN Hot-Take-Story-Engine churns.
  • Week 5 – Pom-pomgate: The Dallas cheerleaders pom-poms go missing. Jerry Jones claims the Cowboys can’t win without their famous cheerleaders. New England is accused after the Patriots cheerleaders are seen using blue and white pom-poms on the opposite sideline during the game.
  • Week 6 – Gatoradegate: The Colts’ gatorade is switched from Red to vastly inferior Purple. Players are upset and cannot properly hydrate throughout the game. Colts owner pushes to have the league change the rules about Gatorade. Andrew Luck gets upset, seen here:


  • Week 7 – Throughthewiregate: Rumors of a video of IK Enemkpali talking to a member of the Patriots staff just days before he broke his own quarterback’s jaw begin to circulate after Geno Smith throws 7 picks during his first game back from the injury. He stated he was still feeling the effects of the injury.
  • Week 8 – Benchgate: An unidentified brown substance was smeared on the away bench at Gillette Stadium. After the Dolphins center sat on the bench, it looked like he pooped his pants. Quarterback Ryan Tannehill refused to take a snap from under center all game. He said they had to change their game plan to go to shotgun for every play. He also said he lost track of the snap count several times during the game when he “caught a glance of that shit stain.” The Patriots are implicated after an unverified source saw the Gillette grounds crew “taking turns pooping in a bucket.”
  • Week 9 – Redskinsgate: Belichick, Brady and Kraft are accused of being racists when they use the term “redskin” when discussing their upcoming game with Washington.
  • Week 10 – Coldshowergate: The showers at MetLife Stadium never get warm in the pre and postgame Giants locker room. The Patriots are accused of dispatching a ball boy to hang out in the Giants bathroom and flusi the toilet every time a player turns on the shower.
  • Week 11 – Snackgate: After firing up his team the night before their big matchup with the Patriots, Rex Ryan and the Bills find that their snack is missing. After the NFL investigates, the Patriots are believed to have had their snack.
  • Week 12 – Fingergate: After throwing for 140 yds and 3 interceptions, including one returned for a TD, Peyton Manning says in his postgame interview that he has had trouble with accuracy due to the fact he can’t feel his fingers. ESPN Outside the Lines releases this photo of Bill Belichick talking to Manning’s neck surgeon:

bro-in-law-2They then write a 4500-word article about how Bill Belichick told Manning’s doctor to botch the surgery. An unnamed source claimed “I heard Belacheck say Paytoons Manny was the only guy stopping him from winning all them there Super Bowls.”

  • Week 13 – Buttfumblegate: The Jumbotron is hacked again! After Eagles QB Sam Bradford stubs his toe and tears his Achilles tendon, ACL, MCL, PCL and groin, backup Matt Sanchez must start in this critical matchup against the Pats. However, he never full gets in a rhythm during the game because the big screen at Gillette shows this play on a never-ending loop:


  • Week 14 – Wattgate: The NFL launches an all-out investigation when their golden boy JJ Watt has a bad game. The commissioner calls it “inexplicable” and claims “there must be foul play here when such an upstanding, incredible player like [Watt] plays so poorly.” This leads to another controversy, Expatriotsgate. The NFL writes a 50 page report, in crayon, about how the ex-Patriots now on the Houston Texans, Head Coach Bill O’Brien, Defensive Coordinator Romeo Crennel, LB Coach Mike Vrabel and DT Vince Wilfork, all conspired to lose their game against the Patriots.
  • Week 15 – Craftservicesgate: When many of the players on the Tennessee Titans get food poisoning during their game in Foxborough, the craft services group that provides the food in the locker room is investigated. Even though it is found that the food poisoning was accredited to the team dinner at Arby’s the night before, The NY Post writes an article not based on one single fact, showing a photo of owner Bob Kraft eating a sandwich, with the headline: “Kraft gets crafty with craft services” Meanwhile on the back page, the Jets and Giants lose again.
  • Week 16 – Fencegate: A rabid Pats fan at a particularly windy Patriots away game at MetLife Stadium loses the fence poster from his “D-and-a-cutout-of-a-fence” combination. The poster goes flying through the air and pokes QB Ryan Fitzpatrick in the eye. Geno Smith comes in to replace him and throws 4 interceptions, amazingly 2 of which were on the same play. The fan was found to be Tom Brady’s in-law’s 4th cousin, twice removed.
  • Week 17 – Snowflakegate: The Patriots are accused of stealing the Miami Dolphins mascot, a dolphin trained to kick field goals, named Snowflake. The dolphin is found before the game thanks to an eccentric detective, but Dan Marino remains a dick.

Dog Shit of the Week


Payton Manning: Ummm are we watching this guy fall off a cliff? If we are, are there front row seats still available? I know you shouldn’t freak out about just one game (see New England 14 Kansas City 41), but in 3 of his last 5 games he’s gone without a touchdown, after 51 straight games with a TD. Yards, Passer Rating and TD% are all significantly down from the previous 2 years.

Runners-up: Eli Manning: “Guys, definitely don’t score, okay? I know we want to win this game and the way you win is by outscoring the other team, but we shouldn’t score. ” Tom Coughlin is 145 years old and should not be coaching football games anymore.

Roger Goodell: This is not a suspendible offense:


For the Integrity of the Game.


12. Big D Berman (Last Week: 1)

First to worst. How the mighty have fallen. PWood managed only 112 measly points. That’s pretty awful. Go get a wide receiver! Yours are awful. Oh, right. You had Jordy.

11. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week: 9)

Brothers don’t shake hands, brothers hug! And hang out at the bottom of the league together. And put up terrible scores in Week 1 together. You guys should get bunkbeds, there’d be so much more room for you guys to be bad at Fantasy Football.


10. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week: 7)

Did you wear your shirt on game day? Perhaps you should have. #Nick’s gotta sure up that defense and special teams. He only got 15 points total from his kicker, DEF and 2 IDPs combined.

9. It Ertz when Eifert (Last Week: 4)

Guess who’s feeling the pain of the imminent Peyton Manning collapse? Guess who’s pretty damn happy to reap the benefits of that Denver collapse? Me. I’m the second one.

8. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 3)

I don’t care if you won. That was a sorry excuse for a match-up between you and Woody. You both deserved to lose.

7. J.B.HaHaCliton-Dix (Last Week 2)

Talk about how the mighty have fallen. Last year’s most consistent high scorer is this week’s victim of Blowout of the Week sponsored by ASICS unisex kneepads.

6. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 12)

Loogit this! Even though JeffWho lost, he put up a strong showing against Austin. His team shows promise. They’ve got a big week ahead of them as they matchup against Micho. I can’t believe the veiled romantic shit-talking hasn’t already started. Get a towel kids, this week’s group text is gonna get steamy!

5. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 11)

Looks like that Mariotta pick was not that terrible after all. The Winston one was though. Like, awful. Anyways, Timmy was able to get some help from the Pats defense, who decided to let Antonio Brown do whatever the hell he wanted all game, and thumped PWood in week 1. Timmy was hovering around the Top 5 all last year, but didn’t quite make it into the top spot. Will this be the year?

4. ScottHanson’sFluffer (Last Week 10)

For a hot second on Monday, I thought I had a chance at High Score of the Week. As soon as you start thinking like that though, you’re guaranteed to not get it. It’s like raaeeeeeaaayyyynn on your wedding day!!!

3. CrisCartersfallguys (Last Week 8)

I’m impressed. Austin was able to squeak out a win thanks to picking up and then play Stefarion Jenkins and DeAngelo Williams. So in other words, dumb-ass luck.

2. OBJYN (Last Week 6)

Here we go again. Starting this year right where he left off last year, in second. At least this time, it’s warranted. At least this time, he scored the second most points of the week. At least this time, he didn’t just luck himself into winning basically every game and making the Super Bowl.

1. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 5)

From worst to first. Brendo’s coming hard this year, starting the season off with High Score of the Week presented by Pillsbury Cookie Dough and Blowout of the Week. He’s here to show everyone that he didn’t enjoy last year and this year, he’s not fucking around. Enjoy that payout man.


Denver plays KC at Arrowhead tonight. Take KC (-3). Play your Broncos (you have no choice) and your Chiefs (well, Jamal Charles). Be sure to make your Survivor pick, that Tampa Bay D looks ferocious.

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