Power Rankings

Week 2 Power Rankings


It’s better to be lucky than good.

That’s what they say. I’m not quite sure what that means, though. I feel like I’d rather be good than lucky. On the good/luck scale I imagine it goes from Bad with Bad Luck, to Bad, then to Bad with Good Luck, to Good with Bad Luck, to Good and then Good with Good Luck. Like, there’s 4 or 5 really good teams every year that could have a chance to win the Super Bowl, but you gotta have some good luck along the way to actually win it all. Like catching a football with your fucking helmet. Right now, the Colts have Bad Luck, amirite??

Fantasy football, when it comes down to it, is about luck. Sure, you can do all your research and buy 4 magazines to read on the plane from Vegas, but, your pretty much just as lucky, or as unlucky, as you’d be if you didn’t read those magazines.

Case and point: At the draft Austin pulled out a backpack full of Fantasy Magazines, and told me he was going to read them on the plane, but watched Modern Family instead. He’s currently in 2nd place.

By the way, “a backpack full of Fantasy Magazines” is something 16-year-old Rhys would’ve high-fived 32-year-old Rhys for having access to such things. He’d then look severely disappointed to find that there were football players on those magazine covers and not the things 16-year-old Rhys’s fantasies are made of. To make up for it, I’d show 16-year-old Rhys my phone and immediately disappear. It’s that well known time traveling paradox: show past self never-ending access to handheld porn, past self never amounts to anything, future self ceases to exist. They write about that shit in quantum physics text books.

I’m pretty sure a Fantasy Magazine for me now is some cross between Conde Naste Traveller and Bon Appetite. “Eat a chocolate cake on these beautiful white sand beaches!” Fuck, I’m old.

Back to luck. For all the rankings you read and for all the players’ talent, there was no way to predict that this week Jeremy Hill would fumble the ball and get benched, that Eddie Lacy would get hurt, that Chip Kelly would pay a boatload of money for DeMarco Murray but forget to go out and get a line to block for him, that an O-line of converted defensive lineman might not be the best for Marshawn Lynch and that Lamar Miller’s team might not be that good. Together, even though they were all predicted to be in the top 10 this week, they combined for less than 15 points. Unlucky for their owners. Lucky for those matched up against them.

This week I won in my sidepiece fantasy league by less than 1 point because my kicker scored 16 points. In Toppa League, I won because my defense scored 28 points. And I picked them up 2 days before. I’m not bragging. I should’ve lost. There’s no reason the Jets didn’t run the ball 456 times with Chris Ivory. It’s almost like the two coaches looked across the sideline at each other and decided they were going to try and play an uglier game than the other. I won because I was lucky. You could have a good team. You could have a bad team. A lot of the time though, you’re going to win or lose by getting lucky.

I don’t know why I’m writing this. Maybe because I’m trying not to get too excited about the fact that I’m 2-0 and already thinking about how many more wins I need to make the playoffs. Maybe because last year, I was pretty much the unluckiest team in the league. Maybe I know that even though I’m 2-0 and Raleigh is 0-2, it could all just be luck and I could get Blowout of the Week’d this week. Maybe I was having a hard time coming up with something to write about. Maybe I’m just trying to put it all in perspective. If you lost this week, it’s not the end of the world. There are more important things in life. Like chocolate cake. And white sand beaches. I know you put some dollars down to play this year, but know that with the money that Woody is skimming off the top every year, in 18 years he’ll be able to send Mary to a nice state school. Which is good, because she’s probably not getting in anywhere else. That gene pool’s pretty shallow. But we all helped.

Dog Shit of the Week


Andrew Luck. ‘Suck for Luck’ has a whole new meaning. Now they’re actively sucking for Luck. Hey Indy, you guys should spend a little less time complaining about every little thing the Pats do and a little more time on your offensive and defensive line. You haven’t been able to stop the run for 3 years now and your franchise quarterback is about to get his head ripped off.

Also, after doing an image search… not a handsome man.

Runners Up: The guys mentioned above (Hill, Murray, Miller, Lacy and Lynch, which sounds like a bad law firm in Upstate New York) but particularly Jeremy Hill. He was ranked in the top 25 overall and ended up with -1.90 points (39 yds and 2 fumbles lost)


I always feel weird when the #PowerRanks almost completely match up with the standings, like I’m just copying it straight up. But, things are pretty damn close right now. The difference between 10th place and 7th is only 8 points and the difference between 1st and 4th is just 3. It’s a long season and we’re only at week 2. Which is awesome when you think about it. So much more football to watch.

12. Big D Berman (Last Week 12)

For the second week in a row, PWood has put up the least amount of points. Things are not looking good for the current champ.

I know that PWood’s team name is named after the brilliant judge that cleared Tom Brady’s good name, but every time I read it, I think of stupid Chris Berman. And that sucks, because Chris Berman is a doofus. But, every time I can’t help but think this…


11. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 6)

How disappointing was Micho vs. JeffWho ’15? No shit talking. No flirting. No talking about how each would beat the other in a boxing match, when we all know that 25 seconds in, they’d both be gassed.

Instead Micho came in and crushed JeffWho by more than 72 points. That’s enough to be the Blowout of the Week presented by Astroglide.

10. J.B.HaHaClinton-Dix (Last Week 7)

Talk about bad luck. Middle of the pack in points scored, but 2nd most points scored against him. Buckets’s team is not as bad as it looks.

Thaaaat said, his running back situation, comprised of the previously mentioned Lamar Miller and DeMarco Murray, is a potential disaster.

9. DeMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 11)

First win of the year! They say it only gets better after your first time. It’s not as awkward. You no longer have to set your lineups in the back of your parents car. You figure out what lineups you like, what players feel right, what match-ups to seek out and which ones to avoid. You figure out how to get the most points out of an undersized, white receiver. Or maybe you figure out you have a thing for kickers.

8. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 10)

Although you could say #Nick should be ranked higher on account of his bad luck, having the 3rd most points scored against him, he’s 8th in scoring with 278 total points. So, he’s exactly where he should be.

7. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 5)

Jesus Christ Antonio Brown is good at football. He’s a monster. He’s kinda Timmy’s whole team right now. And it doesn’t even matter. He’s that good.

6. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 9)

Josh is in a good position. He’s been able to weather the storm of having the 4th most points scored against him. This week puts him up against Austin, who is looking pretty tough to beat. Josh is going to need Peyton Manning to not shit the bed. Sorry dude, I kinda want Peyton Manning to shit the bed.

5. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 1)

Did Brendo lose his Mojo? (Brenjo?) Did he use up all his fantasy luck going from last year’s basement to this year’s top spot? He only managed 114 points this week, which was the 3rd worst point total. And it only gets worse as this week finds him in a tough match up with the suddenly dominant-looking Micho. Something tells me Brendo’s going to be fired up for this one and not take it lying down.*

*Speaking of old sayings, this one’s terrible. Like really awful. This is a phrase people have been using for centuries? “Oh, Clarence is not going to like this decision one bit! It is quite concerning. That gentleman is a fighter though. I’d wager you that he will not act like many of the women I rape and simply lie there, but, in fact, will take after the other women I rape by fighting back against their assailant.”

4. OBJYN (Last Week 2)

Second highest point total in the league, thanks in large part to Julio. He plays the sport of football well. It’ll be interesting to see what Justin’s real team persona is. Is it the dominance of week 1, scoring 170+ points? Or is it the underperformance of week 2, only scoring 135 points? His team is suddenly battling a lot of injuries as he goes for into a tough matchup with Timmy this week.

3. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 4)

I have now defeated both DeSantiseseseseses. Yahoo should give me one of those medals for that. “You’ve won the Sienna Brotherly Love Medal. Congrats! You’ve defeated 2 brothers in one season, just like the Toyota Sienna defeats long road trips with the family.”


Where the fuck is Scott?!? This is how I felt when I turned on RedZone on Sunday:

Do I get vastly inferior, Big Eared guy because I watch online through Sunday Ticket? Ugh, so disappointing. I’m gonna have to go back to using Woody’s Erin’s password.

2. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 8)

The rollercoaster continues for Micho. Last week he was in 8th. The week before that, 3rd. He was able to put it together this week and secure the High Score of the Week presented by Rainbow Doritos.

By the way, I wholeheartedly support this and think it’s actually a pretty big deal for a multinational company to not just say “Gay people? They’re pretty cool” but put it on their products and distribute it everywhere*. I’m also fascinated to see what they taste like. They’re fucking bright blue and green tortilla chips!! What the fuck does that taste like?!?! It may ruin Cooler Ranch for me forever. If a bright blue chip tastes the way a “regular” colored chip, it guarantees that shit is fake.  (Note: Not true. Nothing will ruin Cooler Ranch for me. Cooler Ranch will always and forever be the best Dorito flavor. Come at me Nacho Cheesier lovers!!!)

*I learned that you have to make a donation to ‘It Gets Better’ in order to get a bag of them (which I just did). Which is a bit sad, because they realize that people in Alabama Walmarts would probably start punching Doritos bags yelling “Marriage is between a man chip and a female chip”

1. CrisCartersfallguys (Last Week 3)

Put the whoopin’ on current champ PWood. Even though Austin is in second in the standings, I’m going with strength of schedule. Micho put up the big numbers this week, but also has the lowest points against in the league. Austin has shown more consistency over these 2 weeks, so he’s the man to beat.

Austin, do me a favor. Capitalize the “F” and “G”. It’s so fucking annoying to type your team name with capital letters, then check if I got it right and have to correct it. Everyone else in the fucking league does it the correct way. If you have to take spaces out of your team name because Yahoo stupidly only gives you 20 characters, then you capitalize each word. It’s how shit works!

Washington plays the Giants (-3) in New York. Ugh, don’t watch this game. We had a nice little run there with 2 good match-ups on Thursday night. Now we’re back to shit. I also hate having to decide on Thursday if I should play my Giants and/or my Washingtoners this early in the week. Should I play Rashad Jennings tonight against a good Washington front 7, or should I not? These are decisions I should not be making right now. These are decisions meant for a specific time and place. At 11am on Sunday, while taking a dump. I hate Thursday night football.

Also be sure make your Survivor picks.

And good luck!

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