So I had an idea to write about something that’s been annoying me a lot lately, but I actually felt the need to do some more research about it. I wanted to know all about it inside and out before I fully railed against it, not that it’s stopped me before. My college roommate always said that you should know all about something you hate, that way you can have a fully formed opinion and be justified in your hatred. That’s why he knew every song by Phil Collins.
I’ll keep you all in suspense as to what it is, because, why not? But, it is something I’m pretty sure I hate, so I can promise lots of sarcasm and shit-talking in next week’s post.
Okay, you got me. It’s cocaine.
Speaking of which, Narcos is dope. You should watch it. Can anyone explain to me what the difference between New Releases and Just Added is on Netflix? Was the new season of Portlandia just added or newly released? Shouldn’t a new season of Walking Dead be Just Added since it is a show that’s previously been in the Netflix library, but the new season has just been added to the previous ones? And shouldn’t Person of Interest be a New Release since it is a show that is a new addition to their offerings? But they’re not! I don’t understand it. All I know is that if you scroll way down into New Releases you get some weird straight to video type shit.
So tune in next week when I tell you all about my experience with cocaine. Just kidding, it’s not cocaine. (It’s totally cocaine.)
Dog Shit of the Week
Marshawn Lynch. So he was questionable to play on Monday night, but there was really no other option, you had to play him if you had him. Then he goes into the game late with a tight hamstring. Then he leaves the game with a separate injury. The 2.30 points he scored brings his 3-game total to 23.10. Micho probably coulda pulled out the win if Marshawn had a typical Marshawn type night.
12. FireUpThatKush (Last Week 7)
I was gonna put Raleigh here, but Timmy only scored 90 points. How is that even possible? This is awful. If you add up all of Timmy’s running backs and wide receivers, except for Antonio Brown, they totaled 12.4 points, including his flex. That’s less than 2.5 points per player. Justin only scored 133 points and still beat Timmy by 40. This is just pathetic.
11. J.B.HaHaClintonDix (Last Week 10)
Buckets got smashed by me this week and I’m not afraid to gloat. He smashed so many teams last year, he was basically the Hulk. But maybe another disappointing and embarrassing playoff loss after yet another year of high hopes has finally taken its toll. Morale in his locker room is as low as it’s ever been. Also, maybe he shouldn’t put as much stock into his 1-2 Dolphins. Raleigh started 4 Dolphins (Lamar Miller, Jarvis Landry, the Miami Defense and Jelani Jenkins). They combined for only 22.10 points (5.5 points per player), which is more than 20 points less than their expected total of 43.22.
I can’t help but notice Raleigh’s only made 3 moves. Get on that waiver wire, son! Shake things up!
10. SheMyWendyPeffercorn (Last Week 11)
Jeff Who is pretty lucky Timmy’s team was utter shit and Raleigh’s team has been so unlucky. He should be in the bottom of the #PowerRankings. Ohful and three, with no quarterback. The locker room is a mess. His players are bitching at their coach for leaving over 80 points sitting on his bench. The fans are calling for the GM’s job. His team needs a victory both morally and in the standings, but things are only getting tougher as Brendo’s mighty JPP Finger Bangs are coming to MySpace Stadium this weekend.
9. #BroNationEjaQlation (Last Week 8)
#Nick was just crushed by Woody this week. Woody took the lead early Sunday, extended that lead later on in the day, then let Aaron Rodgers just bend #Nick’s whole team over and have his way with them (he did this to the Chiefs as well). Nick’s team is in trouble as his starting QB, Big Ben, tore his knee stuff. He now looks to Colin Ka….hahahaha! Sorry, Colin Kaeperni….ahhhhhahaha! Okay for real, he now looks to Colin Kaepernick to pull his team together.
8. Big D Brady (Last Week 12)
PWood pulled himself out of the basement and won his first game of the year. It wasn’t pretty, getting 28 points from Jeremy Maclin, most of which was junk time, and 25 points from the Philly D. But, you can put lipstick on a pig and the Prime Minister of England will still fuck it.
7. OBJYN (Last Week 4)
You could say something like, “Julio Jones is so good right now, you don’t even need the rest of your team.” JD actually put this to the test where the rest of his position players, not including QB, scored 23.40 points. That’s 3.9 points per player. Stop it, we don’t need 133 – 90 scores in this league. We have 2 extra players compared to most other leagues. We have convoluted scoring with ridiculous bonuses. We don’t need silly standard-scoring level scores here. Put in more effort.
JD’s team is in a free fall, going from 2 to 4, now to 7 in the #PowerRanks. A loss is completely possible with a matchup against first place Austin. That would knock him down even further.
6. It Ertz When Eifert (Last Week 6)
JBiggs got a strong performance from Peyton Manning and his wide receivers (63 total points), but no one else, besides the Green Bay defense, scored in double digits. Sure, Austin hung 212 points on him, but JBiggs probably wouldn’t have beat a lot of teams this week.
5. Ladies and Edelman (Last Week 2)
Hard fought battle by Micho. He would’ve defeated all but three teams this week. Micho takes his first loss of the season to drop to fourth place in the standings. It suddenly looks like he may have QB problems wrestling between Ryan Tannehill and Sam Bradford. Next week could have the worst QB matchup ever as the Ladies bring their Edelman travel to The #BroNation and pit one of those QB car crashes against the trainwreck of Colin Kaepernick.
4. JPP’s Finger Bang (Last Week 5)
It looks like Brendo has figured out the formula for winning. And like always, the formula for winning involves Tom Brady. Football games. Federal court cases. Supermodel marrying. Fantasy matchups. Life. Tom Brady wins em all. Tom Brady is not just the highest scoring quarterback in the Toppa League, but the highest scoring player. Not bad for a 5th round pick. This week is the real test with the Pats on a bye week. That said, even if Brendo loses this week, he’ll only be 2-2 with 13 more weeks of Tom Brady to go.
3. deMARYius WOODhead (Last Week 9)
Dropped the Wooden Hammer on #Nick! High Score of the Week presented by Combos. That’s $50 towards Mary’s CCRI fund. Woody destroyed #Nick by more than 60 points and had the highest scoring quarterback, the second-highest scoring wide receiver, the third-highest scoring tight end (personally I’d score his tight end a bit higher), the fifth-highest scoring running back and the highest scoring kicker. Those 5 players alone (excluding the kicker) scored 156.65 points, which was enough to beat #Nick’s score of 148.30. And Woody got a goose egg from Andre Johnson. Just a full on rout, through and through.
This week deMARYius’s WOODheads come into Redzone Field to do battle against my fighting Fluffers in the marquee matchup of the week. Right now the predicted score is within 2 points, so it’s sure to be a slobberknocker.
2. ScottHansonsFluffer (Last Week 3)
And then there were two! Me and Austin are the only masters of our domain left at 3-0. I got there by handing Buckets the Blowout of the Week sponsored by The Wedge. It has so many uses! Well, it’s just one use. Sex. But you can do it in so many different ways. And don’t worry! The cover is machine washable. Gross. It’s available on Prime as well, in case you need to have sex in weird positions, like RIGHT NOW.*
*I’m not quite sure where this is going to end up if I have to keep this joke up for 13 more weeks.
1. CrisCartersFallGuys (Last Week 1)
First of all, thank you. It’s just so much more pleasant to write that team name now. I don’t care what the other guys say about you Austin, I think you’re a pretty good guy.
Second of all, Holy Red Rocket, Batman! Andy motherfuckingginger Dalton scored 50 points. Him and AJ Green almost combined for 100 points. Half of Austin’s team didn’t score double digits and it didn’t even come close to mattering.
Austin continues to be the man to beat.
Be sure to set your line ups and make your Survivor pick. Also if you’re in a picks league where if you lose you have to buy dinner, you should make your picks for tonight, as well. The Steelers (+3) play the Ravens in Baltimore.
The CBS guys took time at halftime last week to talk about this game. James Brown was like “Guys, what do you expect from this game?” and all the idiots around the table said the most generic bullshit like “I expect a hard hitting game,” “They’re gonna need the ice bath after this one,” “There’s obviously no love lost between these two teams!” Only Tony Gonzalez said some semi-informed shit about the Steelers having a great offense. What do I expect from this game? It’s going to be disappointing.