James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!

Advertisements


Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 9

I recently went to a brewery that’s right down the street from my apartment. They just redid their taproom so now it’s much bigger and nicer. It used to be a really tiny, broken down room with a bar, where the paint was chipping and there were holes in the walls. The new spot is huge (for NYC) with a half dozen large, communal tables and actual seats at the bar. They kept some of the dinginess, but now the unfinished and chipped paint on the walls is on purpose. The old taproom had just one bathroom, that was also the storage closet. It had a single light bulb hanging from the ceiling, and a weird, huge poster of the gastrointestinal tract on the wall.

When Boom Boom and I went to the new place, she said “I’m gonna go check out the new bathroom.” I was immediately intrigued. The rest of the place had clearly been upgraded, how had the bathrooms been improved? When she came back, I asked and she said “They’re nice.” This was not enough of a description for me. Thankfully, this wasn’t like when you go out to dinner at someone’s house and you tell them the food is “good” but really tastes like cat puke. These bathrooms were actually nice, but I craved a description. A way of knowing right away how “nice” this bathroom was. I needed some type of score.

So I have devised a scientific rating system for public bathrooms to be used heretoforth:

Overall

Single Unisex (+5 points; subtract 10 if there’s a line)

There are exceptions of course, but overall single unisex bathrooms always seem to be a bit more nicer and cleaner than bigger bathrooms. I wonder why that is. Is it because guys know that there’s a 50/50 chance of a woman using it directly after you, so they try like 8% harder not to pee all over the walls? Or is it that a place that tends to have a single unisex bathroom, is a little more grownup than a place that is trying to cram as many people as possible into the bar itself but also the bathroom? Either way, I enjoy being alone with my thoughts while I pee, even if it’s only for a little while.

Space (was clearly once be a closet -10 points; Approximately the size of your bathroom at home 1 point; Has 5+ toilets +5 points)

I don’t need the world’s most expansive bathroom here, all I’m asking is that I don’t hit my head on the door when I wipe.

Wetness (On a scale from 0 to 10, 0 being dry, 5 being half the bathroom floor is wet, 10 is the entire floor is soaked and subtract that score)

Why is the bathroom at O’Briens wetter than my bathroom after I give my dog a bath? What the fuck is going on that would cause puddles on the ground. Are little kids scooping water out of the toilet and flinging it at each other? Are people so wasted that they line up 8 inches too far away from the toilet and just pee on the floor? Do the toilets flush extremely violently? So much so that the water explodes out of them?

Smell (Smells like poop -10; Smells like 35 toilet cakes -5 points; Smells like flowers +5 points; Smells like vomit -1000 points)

Sometimes when we clean the apartment, Boom Boom will light scented candles, because she’s into the girly shit. She’ll light one in the bathroom and it makes for such a pleasant experience. But smell in a bathroom is a slippery slope. Obviously, a bathroom that smells like literal shit, is a bad time. But when the bathroom smells a bit too much like cleaning products, it makes me a little sick.

Toilets

Trough (-10 points)

Nope. Just nope. We do not live in the middle ages. If I wanted to pee in a bathtub, I’d stay at home.

Things to aim at (+10 points)

When they put one of those little flies in the urinal and you get to aim your pee at it. Not only am I relieving myself, I get to play a game. Two birds with one stone! Yet another reason why women’s lives are not as much fun as men’s. On the list of reasons why it sucks to be a woman, I’d put not getting to aim your pee at Urinal Flies above waxing their entire bodies and right below childbirth.

Bonus points! Apparently this thing has been scientifically proven to keep bathrooms 85% cleaner. Because men apparently can’t be trusted to not pee on the floor without something to distract us.

Sink

Small Sink (-5 points)

It turns out that when you try to put a bathroom in a closet, there’s not a lot of space in there. Toilets are a pretty standard size, so how are we gonna make up for the lack of space? I know, let’s install the world’s smallest sink. That’ll work. A sink so small you can’t even fit both hands in it under the tap. If the sink is this small, then it’s a sign the bathroom itself is too small.

Automatic Sink (-5 points)

You know what would be nice? If when I wanted to wash my hands, that I could actually get my wands wet when I actually wanted to. I rather not have to hold my hands in the sink for 30 seconds, then do a full body scooping motion putting my hands under the faucet, then move them back and forth to have the water turn on and then quickly turn off again. Just give me a handle.

Automatic Soap Dispenser (-10 points)

The only thing that works less consistently than the automatic sink is the automatic soap dispenser. I’ll keep my hands under an automatic soap dispenser for 2 solid minutes before realizing that it’s actually empty, then go over to another sink to use that soap dispenser, to have it not dispense soap, walk away, and have soap come out. Why is this a thing? Who has trouble pushing down on a small pump?

Sinks outside the bathroom (+15 points)

Oooo the bathroom is so cool, it’s been broken into different rooms. This is some fancy pants shit. I have no proof of this, but I also feel like having a separate place for washing your hands gets people in and out of the toilets quicker.

Hand Dryer

Automatic Hand Dryer (-5 points)

So many times, I have turned on an automatic hand dryer, put my hands underneath it for 45 seconds, said, “Fuck it,” and wiped my hands on my pants and left the bathroom. It’d probably be more effective if someone just blew on your hands.

Paper Towels (+2 points)

Turns out, paper towels are still perfect for drying your hands. However, there are a few downsides. One, bad for the environment. I feel like I’m killing a polar bear with each and every sheet of paper towel I use. Second, paper towels have serious potential to become a disaster area. Disclaimer: you only really need 1 or 2 paper towels to dry your hands. Who are these people who are grabbing 10-15 at a time and throwing them around the bathroom. “Oh no! The trash can is full. I have nowhere to dispose of the way-too-many paper towels I have in my hands! Oh well, I guess I’ll just throw them EVERYWHERE instead.”

Blade (+10 points)

I looooove these things. In fact, I would make love to a Dyson Blade if I were not certain it would pull off my pecker. It gets your hands so dry in like 4 seconds. Plus feels like I’m using a machine they’d have on a spaceship. “Captain, aliens are attacking” One second, let me instantly dry my hands.

Decor

Graffiti (-5 points)

I feel like I’m supposed to like graffiti in the bathroom because I live in New York and it makes them gritty and authentic. But really it just means you’re in a dive bar. Every once and awhile you find some clever shit that’ll make you laugh, but more often than not, it’s lame tags, stickers for bad bands, and racist/homophobic stuff.

Chalk (+5 points)

Oh I love chalk. This is the perfect amount of commitment I can muster up for my graffiti. I can write “RhysNice wuz here” and know if will be erased in 13 seconds, and I’m okay with it.

Pictures/Witty Signs/Things to look at (+10 points)

Anything that’ll differentiate your bathroom from someone else’s bathroom.

Bonus points: it’s good enough for you to come back and start a conversation about. For example, this will get you many bonus points

Bathroom Attendant (-10 points)

You would think this would get you extra points for fanciness, but fuck that! I do not want to have to pay someone to use the bathroom. And they “help” you with the stupidest things. “Here sir, I’ll turn on the faucet for you. Would you like a towel?” Get outta here with that! I have thumbs! I am fully capable of washing my own hands and drying them on my own, thank you. Maybe the bathroom attendant should blow on my hands to dry them. Then, they’ve earned their tip.

I now need to know how Specks rates on this scale.

Week 9 #PowerRankings

No one actually watched football this Sunday afternoon right? The Pats were on a bye, the Bills played on Thursday, the Dolphins played on Sunday night, and the Giants are teeeerrrrrrrrrrrriiibbbbllllllllle. So no one needed to watch those other games, which were pretty damn boring by the way. The league is now in a weird place where there are two teams with 7 wins, two teams with 6, two with 5, two with 4, two with 3, and two teams with only 2 wins. I don’t know if that’s happened before. Or if it means anything at all. It does mean that there are a bunch of similar playoff odds now, and that no one is out of playoff contention. Yet.

12. Beat Micho-gan (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

JeffWho’s team has yet to score 125 points in a week. He’s failed to score 90 points three different times. JeffWho is on pace to score 1376.94 points. That would be the worst amount of total points in the history of Toppa League.

11. BigBrendoBrand (68.33% chance of making playoffs)

After winning 4 in a row, Brendo has now lost 4 in a row, scoring an average of 107 points per week. He scored the lowest total of the year this week with 74.65 points. He didn’t have a single player score 15 points or more, and only had two players, DeAndre Hopkins (14.60) and Travis Kelce (13.30), score in double digits. His quarterback, Jameis Winston, gave the least inspiring pregame speech of all time, then got hurt.

If the playoffs started today, he’d be in as the 8th seed, but he’s gotta break this losing streak if he wants to stay in the playoff hunt.

10. Patsfaninthecloset (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

It’s sad that both Micho and JeffWho’s teams are so bad that this year’s Sensual Bowl didn’t produce any banter on the group chat. I can’t get a Snapchat with some doodled dicks?

It was a really close matchup too. Primed for shit talk. It was neck and neck through the late Sunday games. Then, thanks to 20 points from Jared Cook, JeffWho pulled away. Micho was able to get 27 points from Ameer Abdullah and the Green Bay defense to win by 1.30 points.

9. Dessert First (33.33% chance of making playoffs)

Woody has a 1 in 3 chance of making the playoffs. Which means he’ll probably definitely make the playoffs.

Woody and I had a crazy matchup this week. Look at Yahoo’s game flow graph:

At the end of the late Sunday games, I was up by 3 points. After the Sunday Night game, Woody was up by 7.20 points. On Monday night, I was able to get 15 points from the Detroit defense and pull out the win.

8. CheesyGorditaCrunch (71.47% chance of making playoffs)

JBiggs had won his last two in a row and was averaging 163 points per week, but this week he only managed 100 points against PWood. JBiggs is now 4-5, but is 4th in scoring. He’s got an over 70% chance at making the playoffs, but it’s going to be a tough road. He’s matched up against four top-6 teams, who have a combined record of 24-12.

7. FuseLitHugeDick (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

For three weeks, Timmy’s dick fuse was lit, winning three in a row. This week, the fuse went limp, as Timmy experienced the other side of #MainiMagic. Timmy managed only 103 points this week. Timmy bet on the always scary (not in a good way) Eli Manning and only got 18 points out of him. He also got a goose egg from Zach Ertz after he was scratched before kickoff. Timmy also had 6 players with 5 points or less. He’s got a good chance of making the playoffs, but has to play Vegas, and the two DeSantisesesseses in the next 3 weeks. However, he does have a safety net. If he somehow hasn’t made the playoffs in the final week of the season, he gets to play JeffWho’s terrible team.

6. Halftime in Cinci (8.81% chance of making playoffs)

There it is! After averaging 141 points per week in his last 4 matchups and still losing all four, PWOOD finally pulled out the victory. T.Y. Hilton and Jacoby Brissett combined for 74 points, which would be more than enough for PWOOD to get his 2nd win of the year. His playoff chances are slim. Not only would he have to win the rest of his games, but a bunch of other stuff would also probably need to happen, like every other team in the league losing every single week.

5. PowerFranks Gore (90.81% chance of making playoffs)

I have two playoff “computers” that I use. Well, that I used to use. One is a spreadsheet that I downloaded and enter all the data into manually. The other is a web app, that actually just imports all our shit straight from the interwebs. However, I’ve stopped using the spreadsheet because it doesn’t make sense. Most of the odds made sense. Vegas, Buckets and Maini were pretty much locks to make the playoffs. JeffWho and Micho had like 2.1% chances of getting in. But for some reason, it kept saying I had a super low chance of getting into the playoffs. Like 8%. Even after beating Woody this week, it still only had me at 23% chance of making it into the playoffs. So I either had a 90% chance or a 20% chance. So I’m not using the spreadsheet this year. And I probably will somehow miss the playoffs.

4. Spoiler Alert (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Spoiler Alert CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- Dessert First LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over FuseLitHugeDick -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS

Vegas gets into the Playoffs with a win over Timmy and either a Woody or Brendo loss. The odds are pretty good for him; Timmy’s coming off a loss to #Nick where he only scored 103 points and Woody and Brendo are riding 3 and 4 game losing streaks respectively.

3. Tiger’s Wood (98.14% chance of making playoffs)

Tiger’s Wood CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci-AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- Dessert First LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ; OR
  • A WIN over Halftime in Cinci -AND- BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS

JD has now had the highest margin of victory in two straight weeks, winning by a combined total of 165 points. Two blowouts in two weeks. We should start calling him The Blower.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (99% chance of making playoffs)

#Brady40MainiHorny CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over CheesyGorditaCrunch; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS -AND- Beat Micho-gan LOSS ;

We’re into “win and you’re in territory.” #MainiMagic won’t be stopped. He somehow pulled out a victory over Timmy with just 118 points. He can earn a playoff berth with a win over JBiggs this weekend.

1. Finding Foerster (99% chance of making playoffs)

Finding Foerster CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Dessert First; OR
  • BigBrendoBrand LOSS -AND- CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS -AND- FuseLitHugeDick LOSS ;

5 in a row now! And Buckets has the lowest point total in the league if you don’t count Micho and JeffWho. His average margin of victory is 13 points, and that drops down to 6 if you don’t count the 40 point blowout of JeffWho.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

7-2 Finding Foerster takes on 3-6 Dessert First. If Buckets wins he clinches a playoff spot, and also helps #Nick, JD and Vegas get closer to clinching a spot as well. The other matchup that helps those guys get in, besides their own matchups, is BigBrendoBrand vs. Beat Micho-gan. If Brendo can take care of business, he keeps his own playoff hopes alive, but also helps Vegas, JD and #Nick, as well. He probably would all but seal JeffWho’s fate too.

Set your lineups. There’s only 4 teams on bye this weekend, thankfully. Oakland, Baltimore, Kansas City and Philadelphia are all off. Seattle takes on Arizona (+6) tonight. It’s a ColorRush dream with Seattle wearing their Ecto Cooler green uniforms and Arizona playing in all black.

Have a good weekend!


Leave a comment

2017 Power Ranks – Week 6

It’s finally (FINALLY!) starting to feel like fall. You can really feel that crispness in the air, and that means it’s vest weather. I love vest weather. It’s the best. I present to you now, an ode to my vest:

Oh vest, my vest
How you are the best

You keep me warm when it is cool,
but not, like, freezing
And the way you embrace me
is really, quite pleasing

You keep my core warm,
no need to worry about my arms
Keeping my core warm,
that’s one of your many charms

You’re not one of those dorky, fleece vests
worn by a guy who sells real estate
You know the type. He wears khakis and a polo,
and his name is probably Brad or Nate

The time we share is special,
it’s only October and November
But when I walk down the street,
it’s you and me the ladies remember

You get me excited for fall,
like dark beer, football and flannel
You are the clothing version
of the NFL RedZone channel

Dog Shit of the Week

The injury bug. You know what’s fun? Watching Odell Beckham, Aaron Rodgers, Julian Edelman, David Johnson and JJ Watt play football. If you were to draft the ten guys to put on a cereal box, these 5 guys would on that list. This sucks. This season makes no sense.

This week’s level: Sweetheart, I’m just going to hide behind you while they’re throwing all this bullshit at me.

Now, The Lox taught me that I should want a Ride or Die Bitch, so I can appreciate a man’s wife going to bat for him. But, I get the sense that Roger comes home from a hard day’s work of denying concussions, complicating the rules, kowtowing to the owners, and spilling coffee on his shirt (I just picture him being bad at everything he does) and sits down at the dinner table, and his wife goes, “Honey, how was your day?” and he responds, “Well people were really mean to me on Twitter today. I just don’t get it. I try so hard to squeeze every single penny out of this sport without once thinking of the players and fans, I don’t understand why people are so grumpy.” And his wife fires up the Twitter machine, creates a few burner accounts and defends her man. I mean, she does work for Fox News, so she has a lot of practice defending a bumbling, in over his head, lying, liar who lies. It must’ve been her gut reaction.

Week 5 #PowerRankings

I can’t do 12 quick hits this week. I just have one. I got to go to the Pats-Jets game this weekend at the Meadowlands. And the whole experience was so Jetsy. First, getting there seemed so easy. We could ride the train door to door, so we didn’t need to worry about traffic or parking, or anything like that. In fact, I grabbed myself a Dunkin cup and threw some beer in there for the ride. (Sidebar: It was fun that every time I took a sip, my dumb brain expected coffee. And then I’d get this nice surprise that it was actually beer. Like my brain was like “here comes more mediocre coffee” and then my mouth goes “mmmm, that’s cold and delicious. Hang on, that’s drunk juice!” And I never figured it out.) But it turns out there’s no easy way to get there. The train ride there was an hour and forty-five minutes, when it was supposed to be an hour. And the train ride home took 3! Well, an hour of that was waiting in “line” for the train. But since it was about five thousand people waiting in line, coming from different directions, with no clear ways to corral the crowds into real lines, it felt more like this, than waiting for the train home.

More Jetsy things:

  • The “Ring of Honor” had 6 people on it, 4 of which I’d never heard of.
  • The stadium was 50/50 Jets to Pats fans.
  • The most popular Jets jersey in the stadium was Joe Namath. That guy played 40 years ago! And the Super Bowl he won was almost 50!! Also, not that good. The guy was 62-63, with 173 TDs and 220 interceptions.
  • They did a big intro thing, with the loud music, smoke, green flames and these inflatable Jets making the tunnel. On the big screen, they then showed these two guys opened the doors to let the team run onto the field… and there were no Jets. The Jets can’t even run onto the field right.
  • This was an item they gave to all the fans:

  • In case you can’t make it out, It’s a 24-inch strip of foam, that says “Jet Up.” There is no special shape, it’s just a straight, square piece of foam. They took a ton of 50-foot strips of foam, printed the world’s worst slogan on it, cut it into 2-foot pieces, gave it away for free, and the fans LOVED it.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho put up the second lowest score of the year, scoring 78.40*. JeffWho didn’t have a single player, besides his QB, score in double digits. His second highest scoring player was LB Wesley Woodyard (great name!) with 9.00. Maybe if you stopped worrying about your stupid, dumb Yankees who are stupid and dumb, you might actually win a few games. Also, what happened to your avatar? Come on JeffWho!!

*I woke up this morning and this had been stat corrected. Don’t worry, his score still sucks.

11. Halftime in Cinci

In the ongoing saga of PWood’s fantasy season, this week he lost by 2.30, which was the second-smallest margin of the year. The first-smallest (most-smallest? Very-smallest? Smallest-smallest?) margin of the year was 1.45, when I barely beat… PWood. So, in case you’re keeping score at home, and/or want to be mean to PWood and bring this stuff up regularly, he has been a part of the two closest matchups of the season, and lost them both. He has also been blown out by the most points, when he lost by 92 points, to his brother of all people. He’s had the most points scored against him than any other team in the league. And last week, he had the second highest point total of the week, but lost because Brendo had the highest. But you have a beautiful baby girl. So, that’s a thing that’s good. Right?

10. Patsfaninthecloset

Five losses in a row.

9. Tiger’s Wood

JD’s team only managed 108 points this week. Melvin Gordon (27 points) played well for him, and that’s basically it. Every other one of his players underperformed their projected scores. His three wide receivers combined for 8.80 total points.

8. BigBrendoBrand

How the great ones fall. BigBrendoBrand has gone belly up, as Brendo’s team couldn’t manage to score a hundred points. 75% of his team scored in single digits, including Jameis Winston, who ended up getting hurt.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Tough break for JBiggs. Going into Monday night he had a 15-point lead and Woody had only one player left to play. He ended up losing by 14 (more on this in a second). This was after putting up the third highest total of the week and having seven players score 9 or more points. This loss, combined with JD’s loss, also breaks up the weekly DeSwitchtis, which I guess I’m fine with, because I couldn’t really figure out a clever enough name for it.

6. Finding Foerster

Buckets has now one two in a row. That’s the power of the name change, baby! Buckets pulled out a 2-point victory over JD, thanks to 22 points from Matt Stafford and 20 from Jay Ajayi.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

It looks like Timmy lit that fuse and stuck it right into his huge dick, because his team was up and ready to go. After not even being able to score 100 points last week, Timmy’s team put up the 5th highest score of the week and brought his team back to .500. And he did it all without A.A.Ron!

What he’s going to do for the rest of the season, that’s the question. Good god! That’s Phil Rivers’ music!

4. Dessert First

If Woody’s Week 3 blowout of his brother was POWER, I don’t know what this week was. Down by 12 points, things didn’t look good for Woody. In fact, he was given a 0% chance to win:

He only had Derrick Henry left playing. The Titans were up by 6 and running out the clock. In the final minute of the game, Derrick Henry rushes for a 73-yard touchdown. The play puts him over 100 yards for the night. The result of that one play is 23.30 points. Not only did this play crush JBiggs’s dreams, it crushed mine as well, since Woody ended up getting half a point more than me, for the highest score payout.

3. PowerFranks Gore

And just like that I’m back, baby! I had 5 players (Deshaun Watson, Larry Fitzgerald, Todd Gurley, Carlos Hyde and the LA defense) score 19 points or more. You could take those players and leave out the Rams, and I still woulda beat JeffWho. But we’re gonna go ahead and count all the players on my team, which results in an 89-point blowout.

2. Spoiler Alert

Also back? Vegas. After losing two in a row, he’s now won 2 in a row. This week, he’s on track to be the first team to break 1000 points this season. Antonio Brown scored 30.50 points and Gronk added another 20.30, as Vegas squeaked out a 2 point victory over PWood.

1. #Brady40MainiHorny

You don’t have to like the method, but it get results. In a season when the Rams, Vikings, Eagles, Panthers and Chiefs are the best teams in the league, it would make sense that the team in first place in our league would have the 5th lowest point total. #Nick pulled out a win over Brendo this week by scoring a whopping 111 points.

Be sure to set your lineups. The Rrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraiders are at home against the Chefs (-3). For Color Rush™, Oakland will be wearing all white and not all black, because we can’t have nice things, and Kansas City will be in all red again. There’s football in London this week! But sadly the game kicks off at 1pm our time, so no football with your pancakes. The game (Rams-Cardinals) is being played at Twickenham (which is the national rugby stadium) this time, instead of Wembley, because Tottenham play Liverpool at Wembley at 11am on Sunday. That has the potential to be a good game with lots of goals. Both teams score a lot and Liverpool’s defense is porous.

Enjoy the weekend!


Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 2

I went to the doctor a couple months ago for the first time in a long time. It’s stupid that the most important things are pretty much the last things on the planet you want to do. “Man I really should go make sure everything in my body is working correctly and maybe just check to see if I’m not dying.” I’ll walk around with pain in my foot for 8 months chalking it up to just getting old. I could have a splitting headache for 4 days straight, but if I close my eyes the pain goes away. I guess I’ll just close my eyes for the rest of my life.

As you get older, you get more and more honest when you go to the doctor. “Do I eat healthy? Yeah, I try to. I try to have like yogurt or a smoothie for breakfast and a salad with dinner. Oh, but I do have a huge burger with french fries and wings every Sunday. Yes, I know this is not good for me. What’s that? Do I work out? Well, I ran over a bridge once last year. But then afterwards I proceeded to binge drink all day. Yes, I know this is not good for me either.”

When time came for the old “turn your head and cough,” things got a little more awkward than usual. This time the doctor found a lump on one of my balls. As you can imagine, this was concerning at the time. As the doctor was talking, my brain from 0 to 60 real quick, “It’s probably nothing” POTENTIAL BALL CANCER “but I’d like you to get that checked out” BALL CANCER “just to make sure” DEATH BY BALL CANCER.

Unfortunately, the Ball Cancer Screener wasn’t immediately available, so that gave my imagination time to go wild. My doctor appointment was at 11am and by 3:30pm that day, in my brain, I absolutely had Ball Cancer. Would I survive Ball Cancer? It’d be nice to be known for that. Up till now I’ve been know as “a really nice guy,” “writes an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” It’d be nice to be known as “guy who survived ball cancer.” But I would also probably be known as “guy with just one ball.” Hmmm, there really are two sides to every story.

And what if I died? What would happen to all my stuff? Who’d get my Super Bowl XXXVI VHS tape? Can you put a dog in a will? No, like, so that he gets all of my possessions? Who’d get this blog? This thing is worth like tens of dollars!

And how would people remember me? Probably, “a really nice guy,” “wrote an occasionally funny blog,” and “kind of a pussy.” There’s my gravestone right there.

I finally did get a sonogram on my ball. Being in the radiology office waiting for my scan did nothing but exacerbate my fears. Ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Sign this form ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here’s my insurance card ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer Here is my ID, as well ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer I haven’t seen a Highlights magazine in years ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer ballcancer.

When the radiologist called me in, I did manage to forget about the fear of ball cancer. That said, death by ball cancer probably would’ve been a much nicer fate. You’d think that having a female sonogram technician examining one of my balls would be great. You’d think that technician having a female intern would be even better. Why wouldn’t it be? This is how all my favorite movies start. Me naked in one of those gown-robe thingys. Two female doctors come in to “check me out”. Then they turn out the lights and everything becomes SUPER SEX! Well, just like if you tried to fuck your step-sister (another popular genre), it turns out real life is just really, really, REALLY awkward. I spent 30 very long minutes staring up at the drop ceiling trying to think about literally anything else other than how a complete stranger was smearing ultrasound gel all over my potential ball cancer. Thankfully, I didn’t have to worry about getting an accidental boner. I couldn’t have gotten aroused in that situation if Tom Brady was the one doing the smearing.

After I was done, I went home and took a shower. I used “washing the ultrasound gel off” as an excuse, but really I was washing away the shame. I then put on two pairs of underwear and drank 5 beers. Things were not looking up. Ball cancer was still looming, and I just went through the top 5 most awkward moments in my life.

A few days later the doctor called and told me my results. She told me I had a benign cyst on my epididymis (a tube on my ball), and that it was nothing to worry about. All I heard was, “Congratulations you don’t have Ball Cancer!” Just in time for me to eat a burger with fries and a whole bunch of wings.

Note: I felt a little weird making light of ball cancer. I got the feeling karma may be like, “You know what’s really funny about ball cancer? That now you have it!” and I’d be like “Welp, you win this round God.” So I decided to donate $35 dollars to the Movember Foundation. That $1 for each time I said “ball cancer” (or “ballcancer”) in this blog post. Also, next time you’re in the shower and thinking about Tom Brady, take a second, check your fellas real quick, make sure you don’t have ball cancer, then resume business as usual.

This week’s level: I think this bullshit sandwich is a little too expensive.

Did you guys hear about this one? Guess who my new favorite owner is? Jerry Jones! And it’s not just his penchant for hookers. Jerry is holding up contract negotiations with Roger Goodell because good ol’ Double J thinks the commissioner of the NFL is overpaid. Well, Jerry I’m here to confirm your suspicions by saying, uhhh….yeahnofuckingshit. The guy has made over $200 million in the last ten years. That’s unbelievable.

Obviously, this is going to get settled and Goodell’s gonna keep his job. And even if they somehow decide to pay him less, he’s still going to make obscene amounts of money. But it’d be really fun if this little soap opera dragged on and we got to see Bad Roger sweat a little bit. I’d enjoy hearing Al Michaels every Sunday say, “And there’s the commissioner. We’re sure he’s feeling a bit uneasy about his current contract situation.”

Dog Shit of the Week

NBC Sports Gold. NBC’s coverage of the Premier League used to be exactly what you wanted out of sports on TV. Their pre- and post-game shows were great. Rebecca Lowe, the host, was really good and the analysts provided actual, real analysis and every once and awhile they would rip into teams or players when they deserved it. They showed 3 great games back-to-back-to-back starting at 7:30am on Saturdays. If there were other games you wanted to see, you could simply watch them online on your computer or their app. Well, say goodbye to those days. Say hello to a good old fashion, shitty-ass money grab. Now, they still show the back-to-back-to-back games on Saturdays, but if you want to see one of the 4 other games shown not on NBC, you now have to pay 50 bucks to watch the games online. It’s not even a cable package! I still have to plug my computski into my TV to watch, but now I have to pay 50 bucks for the goddamn privilege.

I paid that $50 this weekend because Liverpool was playing Burnley on and it wasn’t NBC. I figured I’d spend that 50 bucks watching the game at a bar in one week, so it was “worth it.” Well, what did I get for my 50 bucks? A jumpy feed where the ball would magically teleport from one side of the field to the other, even though my internet speed was “blazing fast,” (so said my speed test). I was watching on my computer, so I also tried using their app, to see if the feed was better there, and that piece of garbage wouldn’t even let me sign in. Completely broken. So good on you NBC. Way to take a perfect experience, try to squeeze even more money out of it, and completely ruin it.

Week 2 #PowerRankings

It was a pretty lopsided week this week. The average score by the losing teams this week was 112 points, with 129 being the highest losing score. The winners this week won by an average of 37.5 points, and the closest matchup was still a 20-point victory (by me!). Right now a quarter of the league is undefeated, a quarter of the league is superfeated, and everybody else is .500.

12. Beat Micho-gan

JeffWho’s back in last and it feels so good. It’s like once the leaves start to change, the betches walk around in tights and Uggs with pumpkin spice lattes in their hands, and JeffWho’s in last in the PowerRanks, we now know it’s Fall. JeffWho’s averaging only 105 points per week. He also got blown out by 50 points this week.

11. Patsfaninthecloset

Micho failed to put up a hundred this week. He also lost to Vegas by 40 points. That means Micho owes Vegas 40 linguisa links.

10. Dessert First

10th is a big step up for Woody. Woody almost scored 50 more points than last week. Of course, he still only scored 118 points this week and is still last in the league in scoring, being the only team to not score 200 total points this year. But it’s baby steps. He better hope those baby steps become Mary-sized steps soon if he’s gonna keep his streak of making the playoffs every year alive.

9. Halftime in Cinci

The third winless team in the league is PWood. PWood scored 107 points last week, and 108 this week, so at least he’s consistent. Stop worrying about the baby and start worrying about your fantasy team. Those things practically take care of themselves. Set it and forget it.

8. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Maini had some bad luck this week. Even though he only managed to score 120 points, he would’ve won if he played 4 other teams this week. That unluck continues this week, he’s got Buckets coming in hot.

7. Tiger’s Wood

Guess who has to pick up John DeSantis from the airport this Christmas? JD gets to take that long, awkward drive home from TF Green with the black sheep, third DeSantis. John really thinks he can get that pot dispensary business off the ground. He also knows getting back together with his ex-girlfriend who stole all his money is a bad idea, but is gonna do it anyway.

6. BigBrendoBrand

After only scoring 111 points last week, Brendo appears to have righted the ship, putting up 148 this week. I’m sure it felt nice to be on the other side of a 40 point victory.

5. FuseLitBigDick

Timmy turned it around this week. He went from not even scoring 100 points last week, to the second highest point total this week and Blowout of the Week. With the exception of DeMarco Murray and Golden Tate, who combined for 6.30 points, every one of Timmy’s players scored over 8 points this week.

4. Cheesy Gordita Crunch

Who’s the big brother now? JBiggs got a huge day from CJ Anderson (34.40 points) as well as big days from J.J. Nelson and Drew Brees (combined for 65 points) to put a 40 point beatdown on his brother. This is the fantasy equivalent of JBiggs pinning his brother down with his knees, then plugging his nose and letting a loogie slowly drop out of his mouth. Remember that? Brothers aren’t human beings.

3. PowerFranks Gore

After winning, but not really deserving to last week, I actually deserved to win this week. #Nick and I had the closest matchup of the week, which was basically tied through the late Sunday games. But on Sunday night Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery combined for 40.80 points, which was enough to put me over the top for the victory.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

It looks like Buckets is back with a vengeance this year. Losing to JD is not sitting well with him. His squad is looking pretty strong so far. He’s the only team in the league to score 140+ points in each week this season. I almost put him in first this week, but Vegas’s point total from last week was high enough to carry over to this week.

1. Spoiler Alert

Not as convincing a win as last week, well not as many points, he still beat Micho by more than 40 points. It was clear once Vegas got 27.60 points from Gronk that he had a W in hand and could let the second string play out the rest of the matchup. Vegas is first player in the league to break 300 points on the season.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

Woody Bowl! 0-2 Dessert First takes on 0-2 Halftime in Cinci. Winner gets the loser’s kid and Loser gets the winner’s dog. Or maybe the other way around? I dunno.

Be sure to set your lineups and pick your survivor. The Rams play the 49ers (+2.5) in a half empty stadium. It doesn’t even matter where the game is! Teams will be ColorRushed the fuck out, which means the Rams are going to be wearing their White on White uniforms hot, All-Yellow joints that include the throwback L.A. Rams helmet, while the Niners are in all Black. I wish the Niners were in All-Red, and then we’d get all the ketchup and mustard jokes that Twitter can hold.  Best case scenario, this game is mediocre:

But wait! Put the kettle on, because we got Football in England this Sunday. Make yourself a mimosa, there’s 9am football between the Ravens (-3.5) and Jaguars (of course). Blimey!


Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 1

Now that Week 1 is in the books, we now know everything we need to know about this season. Let’s review what we’ve learned. These are not overreactions by the way. These are perfectly valid, reasonable, sane reactions to the first week of football. For example:

We now know that I need to find a new hobby. The Patriots got their lunch money taken by the Chiefs. Liverpool got smoked by Manchester City, 5-0. I lost my sidepiece league matchup and even though I ended up beating PWood this week, it still feels like I lost. I picked wrong in Survivor (Houston). I better start watching Real Housewives or something because all of the teams I was planning on rooting for this fall are all already the pits.

Or! I could play DraftKings every week. The best part of DraftKings is you can draft a new team very week. If you draft the perfect team you’ll win ONE BILLION dollars. Just use promo code POWERRANKS to play for free.

We know that the Patriots will not win the Super Bowl. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent the whole spring and summer sniffing our own farts. Yes, we won the Super Bowl and it was the greatest comeback of all time. You know who knows that? Everybody! You know who gives a shit? Not a single fucking person outside of 495. Everyone already hates the Patriots and megahates Pats fans, let’s maybe not throw it in everyone’s face. Yeah, well, they hate us cause they ain’t us. No, they hate us because we’re huge fucking assholes who never stop complaining about the fact that we have the greatest coach and quarterback of all time but “get no respect.” Maybe we shouldn’t have been so happy to say, “Yup, and we’re gonna win the Super Bowl this year too.” Maybe don’t trot out the biggest Masshole on the planet to shove that comeback victory in literally everyone in the world’s face. Literally everyone! They showed that shit on the National Fucking Broadcast Corporation. It was literally everyone. Goddammit. There’s no better representation of a Pats Fan than Marky Fucking Mark. This front-running, meathead fuck leaves at halftime, then claims to be the Patriots #1 Fan.Maybe the offense shoulda spent some time practicing with the guy they spent a first round pick on instead of throwing passes to goddamn farm animals. Maybe the coach who claims to take “no days off” shoulda taken a few of those days to put together a defense capable of not giving up a 75-yard bomb every 10 minutes.

We know that Cassius Marsh is not very good at football. And that my dad and I will have at least 3 conversations on the phone about how bad he is and how many tackles he missed or coverages he blew. And that my dad will call him “Mark Cassius” when we have those conversations. We also know that Cassius Marsh will also have one great play over the course of this season, and I will be fired up about it. He will then blow a coverage in the very same game, and I will take off my shoe and throw it at the TV.

We know that this football season, in general, will not be very good. If you had the feeling that, even while watching RedZone, that the football wasn’t that exciting last week, you were right. It wasn’t! Last week, the Under went 10-3-1. Only 3 games were decided by 7 points or less. And 6 teams scored 10 or less points. Some more amazing offensive stats:

  • On Sunday, no running back rushed for multiple TDs and Matthew Stafford was the only QB to throw for more than two.
  • Meanwhile on the ground, teams only combined to score 19 rushing touchdowns. That’s on pace for 324 scores, the fewest since 1993.
  • The Cardinals and Lions together combined to rush for a putrid 2.75 Yards per Carry (45 yards on 18 carries for Arizona and 82 yards on 27 carries for Detroit).
  • This was the first time in seven years that Week 1 didn’t combine for at least 48 passing touchdowns. The total this year was 38.

We already knew that Fantasy sucks, but now we have confirmation. If you remove QBs from the top-10 scorers from this week, of the remaining 6 players, three were defenses (the Rams, Jaguars and Ravens). Would you like more reasons you felt Fantasy Frustrated™ this weekend?

  • LeVeon Bell managed 32 yards on 10 carries for a whopping 4.70 points. David Johnson gained 23 yards on 11 carries and scored 6.10 total points, and is now hurt. For those at home, the two players taken #1 and #2 overall in 100% of fantasy leagues barely managed to combine for 10 total points.
  • Devonta Freeman had 37 yards rushing. Demarco Murray had 44. Todd Gurley had 40. Isaiah Crowell had 33. Paul Perkins had 16. Eddie Lacey had 3.
  • The top-10 projected WRs, combined to average 7.82 points this week. Even removing the two guys who didn’t play (Mike Evans and Odell Beckham) they still all combined to average under 10 points, and that’s still including Antonio Bryants 25.20 points.
  • The average score this week was 121 points. The average for Week 1 last year was 145.
  • Of the top-10 projected RBs, none were projected to finish outside of the top-20 in total scoring. Instead they finished 315, 356, 1658*, 22, 71, 137, 249, 84, and 31. (*Jay Ajayi didn’t play)
  • Here’s a fun one: of the top-10 players drafted, EIGHT failed to score 10 points. Three didn’t even play.
  • Of the top 15 QB’s, only 6 started for teams this week. And of the top 5, only 2 started and 2 aren’t even owned!
  • We are living in a world where the two best fantasy quarterbacks in the league are Sam Bradford and Alex Smith. Speaking of which…

We know this year’s Super Bowl matchup will be between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings. I hope you enjoy a game filled with hard-nosed defense and 313 checkdowns. I can’t wait for Super Bowl Sunday where we get to see the interview with Sam Bradford where he talks about how tough his life is getting overpaid at 4 different teams (Yes, I’m including Oklahoma, aaayyyy). And then we get to see the “fun” little segment where he talks about his stupid, long shirt sleeves. How about the puff pieces that fail to mention when Tyreek Hill punched his pregnant girlfriend in the face and then choked her? Or maybe they’ll just describe that as “overcoming adversity.”

We know that the Indianapolis Colts are the worst team in football and will get the first pick in the draft next year. Which is hilarious, given how terrible the Jets are. The Jets, being the Jets, will somehow screw up, not go 0-16, and lose out on the first pick in the draft.

We now know the LA Rams will win the NFC West. Jared Goff made a couple nice throws on Sunday. And that Rams defense looked frisky. They get Aaron Donald back this week too, by the way. Their schedule has a bunch of winnable games (Washington, 49ers twice, Arizona twice, Giants, Jaguars, Texans, Saints, Titans and they managed to beat Seattle last year). Plus, who else is gonna win this division? Seattle’s line is so bad, Russell Wilson is going to go as the headless horseman for Halloween. Carson Palmer just celebrated his 132nd birthday last month. And San Francisco is still San Francisco.

We know the Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East. Lol nah

We now know Karim Hunt is the best Fantasy RB in the history of Fantasy RBs. 50.60 points! He almost had 100+ yards rushing and 100+ yards receiving. This dude is electric. I’m not bitter at all about not taking him during the draft. In fact, I want to congratulate JD right now on winning back-to-back championships. You certainly deserve it after losing all those other championship games.

NFL fans are REALLY excited about the fact that the NFL allows players to dance again. Isn’t it obvious!? What, with the Dunkin Donuts commercial with Gronk and Odell and the seven different Pepsi commercials that pop up every single commercial break. Oh and how about the fact that NBC, FOX, ESPN and CBS each had “teach us your moves!” segments on their pregame shows that were in no way awkward at all? The “F” in NFL now clearly stands for “FUN” now that the players are no longer flagged for celebrating when good things happen.

Next year we will draft backups in the first round and starters as their handcuffs. Guys aren’t even waiting until the middle of the season to get hurt anymore. Look at this: David Johnson: hurt in Game 1. Allen Robinson: hurt in Game 1. Odell Beckham: hurt before Game 1. Jordan Howard: Not as good as the other guy who replaced him in Game 1. And most importantly, Sebastian Janikowski: put on IR before Game 1.

Dog Shit of the Week

Kirk Cousins. No, I do not like that. I had the Eagles-R-words game on my non-RedZone TV on Sunday and man was I treated to a masterpiece in quarterbacking. It was like watching a man physically turn into the poop emoji right before my very eyes. When he wasn’t getting pummeled or running in for his life, Kurt was sailing passes over wide open receivers’ heads, bouncing the ball to his tight ends, or trying to jam it into double coverage.

This was my favorite Bleacher Report update of the day:

Fletcher Cox doesn’t play for Washington, by the way. Not exactly the “connection” I was looking for.

Somehow this guy makes $24 million! I should start dropping office supplies and sending emails to the wrong people and see if I get a raise.

Week 1 Power Rankings

God some of these matchups were ugly. The league is a little bottom heavy right now.

12. Dessert First

Woody’s team managed only 75 points this week. That’s the lowest regular season total since 2012. His entire team didn’t score a touchdown until Monday night. Aside from the 20.70 point night from Stefan Diggs, who was the one to score that touchdown, Woody’s entire team was a poop sandwich. Tom Brady was the only other player to score in double digits, and he still scored 50% less than he was projected. Eight players scored less than 6 points, included Hunter Henry putting up zero. There wasn’t even points to be had on his bench; his bench players only combined for 21 points.

11. FuseLitHugeDick

Looking at the individual performances, I’m not actually sure how Timmy didn’t manage to score 100 points this week. A.A.Ron scored a not-good-but-not-bad 21.65 points. Golden Tate had 18.40 points. He had six other players with 6 or more points, include LeGarrette Blount with 10.70. But, he also had 4 players (Emmanuel Sanders, Martavis Bryant, Bilal Powell, and Chris Boswell) combine for less than 11 points. I guess, yeah, looking at it again, that’s definitely where it happened. At least you have a Huge Dick.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Jeff-Who only had 3 players score in double digits this week. Two of those players (Jordy Nelson & Matt Bryant) scored less than 14 points. Jeff-Who’s team only managed 103 points with seven players scoring 6-or-less points. I think the way to mask the pain of defeat is by eating lots and lots of delicious trifle.

9. Halftime in Cinci

PWood had 4 players who each scored less than 3 points, and only one of them got hurt. No one on his team managed to score double digit points besides his quarterback (Ben Roethlisbeger) and his defense (Baltimore). Baltimore had 4 interceptions by the way.

8. PowerFranks Gore

PWood and I had a real barnburner of a matchup this week. We were basically the Fantasy Football version of the “No, You Go” Portlandia sketch:

By the time the 4 o’clock games ended, we were both sitting well below 100 points, and pretty much stepping all over ourselves trying to lose to each other.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Much like BigBallerBrand launching with $500 sneakers that no one wanted to buy nor wear, even when they were free from your dad, this wasn’t the best launch for BigBrendoBrand. For a second there, Brendo looked like he was going to have the best running back corps in the league. Leonard Fournette looks like a stud. But then David Johnson got hurt. Now the best (or second best) running back in the league is out for 2-3 months with a wrist injury.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

It kinda doesn’t matter what JBiggs did this week, there was a short, dark, Portuguese wrecking ball coming his way. Drew Brees ended up salvaging 21.00 points from a night he looked pretty bad. And the LA Rams Defense scored 46.00 points this week. Holy shit! I told you they were frisky.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Nick’s team had a sort of uneven week. He had eight players with 9-or-more points. He also had four players with 5-or-less. Also, #bigups for drafting Tarik Cohen. #Nick didn’t play him this week or anything, but the guy already had a hashtag next to his name before he began trending this week on the interwebs.

4. Patfaninthecloset

Micho got one of the more consistent weeks from his team. He didn’t have many guys with big weeks (Adam Thielin had 157 yards receiving and a 40-yarder, good enough for 23.70 points), but he only had two players with less than 5 points.

3. Tiger’s Wood

Like I said before, Kareem Hunt is the best fantasy running back since LaDainian Tomlinson. JD has already got this thing all locked up. We’re all just playing for second place.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

Buckets rode Matt Stafford’s 4 pass TDs, Mike Gillislee’s 3 rush TDs, and Jacksonville’s 10(!) sacks to an easy 43-point victory over Brendo this week. He didn’t get a whole heckofalot from the rest of his team, but then again, most of us didn’t really get a heckofalot from our entire teams. All you really need is 3 guys to get 39, 22 and 36 points and apparently you’re good.

1. Spoiler Alert

Well, well, well. After a very disappointing year last season, Vegas has cleaned house, fired the coach and GM, and started fresh. It’s all about changing the culture. Now there’s a good vibe in the locker room. The players are going out to movies together. On the first week of a new season, Vegas’s team responded with a monster day. He had 6 guys (Derek Carr, Tyreek Hill, Antonio Brown, Dalvin Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, and the Pittsburgh D) with 20+ points. Those six players alone were enough to beat JBiggs (as well as 10 other teams in the league, by the way). He had 4 other guys who combined to average 10.8 points each. Gronk was basically the only liability on his team.

AND Vegas handed out that beatdown with Sam Bradford on the bench. I was getting really angry watching the Vikings, knowing that Vegas had him too. Do you understand what I’d do for Sam Bradford at this point?!! I offer a trade, but I have nothing to give!

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

#4 Patsfaninthecloset flies to Vegas to take on #1 Spoiler Alert in a good old fashion Portuguese mumble fest. Loser buys the malasadas.

We also get a DeSantis Bowl! Holy shit! This feels too early. This is like when the Yankees and Red Sox play in April or if you had Florida-Florida State in September. DeSantis Bowl needs to be scheduled later in the year. I need stakes like, “loser doesn’t get to bring home mom’s Thanksgiving leftovers” or “loser doesn’t get Christmas presents” or “loser has to pick up the third DeSantis brother that we never talk about from the airport when they come home for the holidays.”

Don’t forget to set your lineups and pick your survivor. Houston is at Cincy (-6.5, I will never trust Houston again) tonight.


Leave a comment

2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

convo

8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

betches

Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

bro

And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

oliverfantasy

I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

goodellbsmeter

BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

screen-shot-2016-12-15-at-3-01-25-pm

Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

screen-shot-2016-12-15-at-2-59-54-pm

JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

rams-white-helmet-f

That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

seahawks-green-color-rush-12-14-16

And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.


Leave a comment

2016 Power Rankings – Week 12

 

img_4503

I heard this on Sunday as I was reaching for a chip: “Cameron Wake is 34 years old and coming off a torn Achilles.” I didn’t put the chip back, but I felt really bad about eating it.

img_4501

The Patriots defense is not good. It’s not awful, but it is not good. They can’t get to the quarterback. It’s a fact. And if they can’t get to the quarterback, why are they rushing only two and three guys? And I can’t even remember the last time the Pats blitzed. Now, blitzing wouldn’t be necessary if you had a front four that could reach the quarterback. Denver is the best example of this, the Broncos lead the league with a 10.2 percent sack rate on passes when not sending extra pressure. Of course, it helps when you have Von Miller. But anyway, the Pats rank 30th in pass rush, are 24th in total sacks, and have an adjusted sack rate of just 4% of every drop back (the NFL average is 6.1%). They are in the top 10 of the league in QB hurries, but are in the middle of the pack in completion percentage. All this equals out to if you give a quarterback time (which they do), and he knows he’s not gonna get hit (which he’s not), he’s gonna pick you apart. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Russell Wilson or Ryan Fitzpatrick. And I’m not allowed to be worried about this?! Anybody who’s been in a Braga Bowl knows if you don’t have someone to count to “5 Mississippi” the quarterback is gonna make plays. Maybe send an extra guy now and again!

img_4500

Huge sigh. Okay, there’s good news. Maybe this is just for me, since I’m apparently the only one who’s worried. The Pats are second in yards after catch, which backs up what I’ve been thinking for a couple years now: this team tackles really well. The Patriots are third in points allowed and 4th in touchdowns allowed, meaning ‘Bend But Not Break’ is still a thing. And the offense is really good. So as long as they don’t give up more the 24 points, every game is winnable.

The other good news is, for a reason I don’t have the time to research, there’s basically no completely balanced team in the league. The Patriots D kinda sucks, but they’re the 3rd best offense in the league. Dallas? Atlanta? Oakland? Great offenses (1st, 2nd, and 5th, respectively) but terrible defenses (27th, 24th, and 26th). Baltimore? Denver? Minnesota? The exact opposite. Great defenses (1st, 2nd and 6th) but terrible offenses (30th, 24th, and 25th). Seattle, Pittsburgh and Kansas City are arguably the most “balanced” teams, but Seattle just put up 5 points against Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh are a snap away from being Roethlisbergerless and KC has Alex Smith. Again, I have no reason why this is the case. If I were to guess, I’d guess that the salary cap prohibits you from spending enough to make both sides of the ball elite, so teams have to make a choice based on their current personnel, but I have no justification for that take. This does mean, the Pats are not as bad as I think, since everyone else is kinda bad too. As long as they get home field advantage throughout they’ll be in good……ish shape.

screen-shot-2016-11-30-at-3-17-45-pm

If you didn’t notice, this email came in at 12:12pm and was 12 lines of “TFB12” 12 times. I gotta give #Nick props for creativity. #Nick has really enjoyed this whole RHYSNICE WAS WRONG week. It’s because you live in Georgia now, huh? Not much to do huh, buddy? Maybe join a Meetup group or something.

I enjoyed pixelating #Nick’s last name and email address, because it makes him look like a sex offender. Which…. *shrugs shoulders*

img_4498-copy

I love me some Redzone, but there is one downside to it. There are no commercials, so I never have a time when I know I can run to the bathroom. Luckily, my man Scott Hanson has me covered yet again. He has a secret code phrase every week that lets you know it’s okay to take a break. It’s kinda like You Can’t Do That On Television, where the secret word gets you slimed, but this one lets you know it’s okay to get up and take a piss. This week’s phrase was “we now go to the Bills-Jags game.”

tumblr_n9ij0ekqmc1setsv8o1_400

I didn’t have time to write this last week, but I learned a lesson while I was in San Francisco. I’ve learned that Murphys go on the Murtaugh List. All of them. Friends, Brothers, Fathers, Mothers, Cousins. I am too old for that shit. I am no longer 22. I cannot get blackout drunk multiple nights in a row and eat nothing but greasy meat covered in cheese. It sounds wonderful and fun, but it turns out it’s not actually that healthy for you. I spent the whole trip shitting, having to shit, or feeling like I had to take a shit, but couldn’t. Also, random parts of my body started aching and I did no physical activity whatsoever.

giphy

There was this guy who came to the Niners-Pats game with us. I guess he was a friend of a friend. And he seemed like a cool guy. He was one of those guys who, you know, talks to people in a new group of people, which I guess is a thing normal and/or cool people do. But, I should’ve known this kid was not cool. In hindsight, the first tell was the fact that he was dressed like he was gonna play 18 at pebble beach, not dressed to go watch a football game. (If you dress like a golf referee, however, that’s fine.) He was wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and a white sox hat. He claimed it was because it gets really hot in Santa Clara, but if he had looked at the weather report, he’d have known it was predicted to be somewhere between 100% rain for an hour and 1000% rain for 13 hours. Had I recognized this was a sign that he was a douchebag, I could’ve ignored him right off the bat instead of being friendly to him. Instead, I had to listen to him talking about when he was trying to figure out whether he could hit on Boom Boom or her friend. You should know, he had a girlfriend. Also, who’s trying to hook up at a football game? What are you a Lions fan? I would’ve been pissed but I knew I could’ve put his head through the wall without really trying. It’s also great when a guy says something like that and you can watch women physically trying to stifle laughter.

I also had to listen to this guy talk shit about Garage Beer Pong playlist on our bus ride home. It apparently wasn’t “HARD” enough for him. Come on, bro. A little bit later, he put on a poncho and took a piss in a bottle of cranberry juice, because he couldn’t hold it. In front of Murph’s parents.

So, fuck that guy. The lesson as always, don’t trust people who aren’t socially awkward.

1f47hd

I feel like every dude weekend has a running joke throughout it. A joke that is pretty funny, but takes on a whole life of its own throughout the weekend. It only gets funnier and funnier as you get drunk and hungover and drunk and hungover again. Last time I was in San Francisco, that joke was Murph almost throwing up on me while taking a shot at the bar. Basically every 45 minutes for 5 days, we mimicked the dry heave noise he made. Someone may have even done it during his wedding.

The Member Berries were that joke while we were in San Francisco this time. Honestly, the source material is hilarious, but it became a quick and easy way to make a joke: just throw “Member” in front of whatever you were talking about and you’ve got comedy gold. I’ve made and heard so many Member Berry jokes over the last week and a half that I can’t tell if I love them or hate them.

Do women do this? They definitely don’t do this, do they? Like, do they go to bachelorette parties and tell the same joke 154 times in 48 hours? Are they at their fancy dinner and like, “Guess what, outta tampons again!!!”? Are they touring wineries and being like, “Fuck you, Lorelai! Hahahaha!”? Who knows? Such a fascinating species…

img_4504

Last night, I woke in a cold sweat remembering that Woody sent me this text. I thought that he could be sending me a “RHYSNICE WAS WRONG” letter in the goddamn mail! That woulda been some shit. I probably woulda broke down and cried had I opened a physical envelope with a diss in it. I checked the timestamp, and he sent that text before I thought the Patriots were gonna lose. So it’s probably just a Christmas card. And now it’s too late to be like, “Good Idea, Rhys!” scribble scribble scribble. The mail will never be delivered in time. You missed out. How am I better and more creative at dissing myself than you all are? It’s really pretty pathetic.

shirt

This was a sick burn, except you fucked it up. I definitely made my “WRONG” comment last Sunday, which was in November, and very much not June. This joke is null and void and therefore not funny. How do you not know November is the 11th month?! Jesus, you better get Mary shooting hoops now, the future is bleak. Why don’t you send her to Uncle Rhys’s house so she can learn to read?

Or is the school year that bad already that you’re just can’t fucking wait for June? As an ex-teacher, I can appreciate that.

If we win the Super Bowl, I will buy and wear that shirt. To ToppaDraft VII.

 

goodellbsmeter

This Week’s Level: A big, huge, fat blunt filled with bullshit

Yesterday I saw a spot on CBS News This Morning about how Titans linebacker Derrick Morgan is asking the NFL to look into the drug cannabidiol, or CBD, and its possible uses for helping fight CTE. If the word cannabidoil looks familiar, it’s exactly what you think it is: an oil that’s made from marijuana. It’s already being used to control seizures in some kids with epilepsy and Jake “The Snake” Plummer (Remember him!?) uses CBD to help with the constant headaches he has.

The NFL made a statement, which started like all NFL statements, that its “top priority is the health and safety of our players,” which is a lie. Then followed it up with “medical experts have not recommended making a change or revisiting our collectively-bargained policy and approach related to marijuana.” So let’s just keep giving all the players as much oxycodone as they need and forget about it.

The NFL also said it’s starting a committee to look into using alternative forms of pain management. Which, of course, is the way shit-eating, money-grubbing lawyers deal with everything. We’re forming a committee to look into it! Sure. Let me know your fucking findings. Maybe I’m gonna start forming a committee to get away with all my shit. Rhys, why are the dishes still in the sink after you said you’d clean them? I’m forming a committee to see what soap I should use. Rhys, you missed your last deadline to file that proposal. Well, I formed a committee and their findings aren’t complete yet. I need some more time.

Then like two hours later, I read about the NFL suspending Bills offensive lineman Seantrel Henderson 10 games for violating the substance abuse policy. Why? Because he smoked pot to help alleviate the symptoms of his Crohn’s disease. He ended up having 2 and 1/2 feet of toxic sections of his small and large intestines removed in surgery and was unable to take traditional pain killers. So he smoked some pot to deal with the pain.

The NFL will never look into using pot as a preventative measure and/or remedy for head injuries (they’re still claiming that football doesn’t cause head injuries!) because it’s too much of a hot button issue. They’re too scared of how the PR will look. Just a buncha potheads over there in the NFL. Lock em all up! But this is a forest for the trees thing. If they took a step back and said “Okay, we’ll look into it. There might be something there.” AND if the NFL actually said “We know this may be a controversial subject, but we’re looking into every single way to keep our players safe.” then maybe I might believe them. And as for Henderson, why not just be like “We don’t usually make exceptions, but considering this guy is missing 2 and ½ feet from his stomach, we’re gonna look the other way on this one.” Who is complaining about this!?!

Pot is only going to become a bigger and bigger issue for the NFL. Just look, the last 3 Super Bowl champions are from states where marijuana is, or is about to be, legal.

Dog Shit of the Week

oliver-kelley

Robert Kelley. FAT ROB!! In a game that featured 500 yards of offense from the Washington Racisms, going up against a Cowboys defense that is ranked 27th in the league, Fat Rob only managed 37 yards on 14 carries, averaging 2.6 yards per carry, and 4.20 fantasy points. That was after scoring 39.70 points last week and averaging 21 points in his last 3 games. Buckets ended up losing a by 5 points and could’ve used a great game (or even a decent one) from Fat Rob.

#PowerRankings

Oh boy, 1 playoff spot left and 3 teams fighting for it. It all comes down to this week.

12. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 2) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Fine. FINE! I’ll rank myself last. I’ll cop to it. I doubted the Patriots. You know shit is bad when Austin, the kid who leaves Patriots games in the 4th quarter when they’re losing and has shit on both Tom Brady and Belichick, calls you out. I just had an awful feeling that it was gonna be one of those games where the defense ends up giving up a soft touchdown at the end of the game and leaves Tommy only 20 seconds to drive the whole field and then he doesn’t do it and it leaves you feeling terrible. I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m the only one who felt that way. I’m just the only jackass who said it on the group text. Like I was the only one who was nervous the Patriots were losing to a shitty Jets team? They were making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like… I dunno, anyone other than Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Pats were 9.5 point favorites and they were losing to Quincy Enunwa’s asshole. It’s not like I was actively rooting for the fucking Jets, it’s that I was pissed it looked like we were gonna lose to the fucking Jets. But all of you guys were so fucking confident. Not a single drop of sweat. Fuck that and fuck you.

Honestly, I had just spent 4 fucking days with my family. After going through that and a tie score at halftime and a hurt Gronk, I should’ve been on fucking suicide watch.

And another thing! You all should be fucking thanking me. That was the one of greatest reverse jinxes of all time. I single handed swung the outcome of that game. But this is the fucking thanks I get.

Most likely playoff spot: 1 seed (100%)

11. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 9) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Technically, Brendo’s not eliminated from the Playoffs. All he needs is a win this week, and Buckets, PWood and Vegas to all lose. He also needs to score 282 points, assuming Buckets, PWood and Vegas all score what they’re projected to. Better make it an even 300 just to be safe.

10. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 12) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Timmy’s done. Like I can’t even make up a scenario where he’d make it into the playoffs. I guess just focus 100% of your energy on gambling instead of most of it?

9. Wide Right (Last Week: 5) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JD didn’t really join in on the piling on festivities, until he sent a picture of his baby today saying I was wrong. So fuck you JD. And fuck your baby.

JD did not clinch his playoff berth by winning his matchup with his brother, he also didn’t get the turkey leg this Thanksgiving. He was stuck with dry breast meat. Ugh, it’s the only time of the year when white breasts are not what I want. Anyway, because both Timmy and I won, JD clinched a playoff berth this week. I shoulda lost on purpose.

Most likely playoff spot: 7 Seed (52.8%)

8. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 10) [Playoff Odds: 18.04%]

PWood has now lost 3 in a row and his playoff chances have dropped from over 40% to under 20%. He HAS to win this weekend and he also needs Buckets to lose. That would put him in a tie for 8th, and currently he’s leading in the overall points tie breaker.

7. Michos A Gurley-Man (Last Week: 4) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (41.4%)

6. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 1) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (40.9%)

JeffWho and Woody were a combined 8-2 over the last 5 weeks, but both of them put up big losses this week. Woody only managed to score 123.80 points, which is almost 40 points less than his league leading 162.47 points per week average. JeffWho got smoked by Vegas by 68 points. Both have over a 60% at the 4 or the 5 seed. Which means we could see 1st and 3rd highest scoring teams going up against each other in a Round 1 slobberknocker.

5. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 8) [Playoff Odds: 66.56%]

Buckets has yet to be mean to me via the group chat. And I appreciate that. I’m fucking sensitive, alright?

I once had someone tell me to stop being so sensitive. And I was like, Yeah, I’ll work on that. But now I think, That’s exactly the type of shit a mean person would say. And, maybe you should stop being such a fucking asshole. I’m pretty sure if you go from being a dick to being a nice person that world ends up +1. Not sure if that’s the case if I become more jaded.

Buckets can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd BEAT ErectDecker; OR
  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Wonderland VIP’s -AND- Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola;

4. ErectDecker (Last Week: 6) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

img_4505-copy

Thank god for Micho. At least when I’m getting shit on by the group text, he’s there to pretty much always get shit on by the group text.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (47.3%)

3. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 7) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

#Nick took his destiny into his own hands, beat Buckets in a very tight contest this weekend and clinched a playoff berth. He’s probably going to end up with a decent playoff spot since he has more than 50 total points than the next potential playoff team.

Most likely playoff spot: 6 seed (84.9%)

2. Goodells A Man-gina (Last Week: 3) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JBiggs broke from tradition and didn’t trade with his brother over the dinner table. It didn’t help since they were playing each other this week. Instead he took another step closer to the 2 seed by winning the DeSantiseseses Bowl.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (32.7%)

1. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 11) [Playoff Odds: 13.92%]

Holy Shit! Vegas scored the second highest total of the year and somehow uneliminated himself from the playoffs! He went from a 0% chance of making the playoffs last week to a 14% chance this week. That’s some fucking Woody Math right there.

Here are your playoff scenarios heading into the final week of the season.

  • If Buckets wins, he’s in and that’s it.
  • If Vegas and PWood lose, Buckets is in and that’s in.
  • If Buckets and Vegas lose and PWood wins, Buckets and PWood tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets and PWood lose and Vegas wins, Buckets and Vegas tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets loses and both PWood and Vegas win, Buckets, Vegas and PWood all tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • Currently, the total points scored looks like this:
    • Funky Cold ‘Mendola: 1651.55
    • Wonderland VIP’s: 1620.5
    • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: 1598.65
  • Oh right, and if Buckets, PWood, and Vegas all lose, and Brendo wins AND he scores like 350 points, Brendo gets the 8th seed.

Set your lineups and make your picks. Dallas (-3) is at Minnesota tonight. This is actually a pretty good game. Dallas is obviously good and Minnesota is either collapsing or…. collapsing. But their defense could keep them in this game. Both these teams played on Thanksgiving too, so they’ve had a full week’s rest before this game! What a concept! AND Minnesota’s Color Rush™ is actually fire emoji:

Purple on purple with that yellow? That shit is fire. And Dallas’s Color Rush™ unis aren’t bad either:

This has all the makings of a good one. So, it’s totally gonna suck!

Enjoy the games this weekend. And yes, RHYSNICE WAS WRONG.