Now that Week 1 is in the books, we now know everything we need to know about this season. Let’s review what we’ve learned. These are not overreactions by the way. These are perfectly valid, reasonable, sane reactions to the first week of football. For example:

We now know that I need to find a new hobby. The Patriots got their lunch money taken by the Chiefs. Liverpool got smoked by Manchester City, 5-0. I lost my sidepiece league matchup and even though I ended up beating PWood this week, it still feels like I lost. I picked wrong in Survivor (Houston). I better start watching Real Housewives or something because all of the teams I was planning on rooting for this fall are all already the pits.

Or! I could play DraftKings every week. The best part of DraftKings is you can draft a new team very week. If you draft the perfect team you’ll win ONE BILLION dollars. Just use promo code POWERRANKS to play for free.

We know that the Patriots will not win the Super Bowl. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent the whole spring and summer sniffing our own farts. Yes, we won the Super Bowl and it was the greatest comeback of all time. You know who knows that? Everybody! You know who gives a shit? Not a single fucking person outside of 495. Everyone already hates the Patriots and megahates Pats fans, let’s maybe not throw it in everyone’s face. Yeah, well, they hate us cause they ain’t us. No, they hate us because we’re huge fucking assholes who never stop complaining about the fact that we have the greatest coach and quarterback of all time but “get no respect.” Maybe we shouldn’t have been so happy to say, “Yup, and we’re gonna win the Super Bowl this year too.” Maybe don’t trot out the biggest Masshole on the planet to shove that comeback victory in literally everyone in the world’s face. Literally everyone! They showed that shit on the National Fucking Broadcast Corporation. It was literally everyone. Goddammit. There’s no better representation of a Pats Fan than Marky Fucking Mark. This front-running, meathead fuck leaves at halftime, then claims to be the Patriots #1 Fan.Maybe the offense shoulda spent some time practicing with the guy they spent a first round pick on instead of throwing passes to goddamn farm animals. Maybe the coach who claims to take “no days off” shoulda taken a few of those days to put together a defense capable of not giving up a 75-yard bomb every 10 minutes.

We know that Cassius Marsh is not very good at football. And that my dad and I will have at least 3 conversations on the phone about how bad he is and how many tackles he missed or coverages he blew. And that my dad will call him “Mark Cassius” when we have those conversations. We also know that Cassius Marsh will also have one great play over the course of this season, and I will be fired up about it. He will then blow a coverage in the very same game, and I will take off my shoe and throw it at the TV.

We know that this football season, in general, will not be very good. If you had the feeling that, even while watching RedZone, that the football wasn’t that exciting last week, you were right. It wasn’t! Last week, the Under went 10-3-1. Only 3 games were decided by 7 points or less. And 6 teams scored 10 or less points. Some more amazing offensive stats:

• On Sunday, no running back rushed for multiple TDs and Matthew Stafford was the only QB to throw for more than two.
• Meanwhile on the ground, teams only combined to score 19 rushing touchdowns. That’s on pace for 324 scores, the fewest since 1993.
• The Cardinals and Lions together combined to rush for a putrid 2.75 Yards per Carry (45 yards on 18 carries for Arizona and 82 yards on 27 carries for Detroit).
• This was the first time in seven years that Week 1 didn’t combine for at least 48 passing touchdowns. The total this year was 38.

We already knew that Fantasy sucks, but now we have confirmation. If you remove QBs from the top-10 scorers from this week, of the remaining 6 players, three were defenses (the Rams, Jaguars and Ravens). Would you like more reasons you felt Fantasy Frustrated™ this weekend?

• LeVeon Bell managed 32 yards on 10 carries for a whopping 4.70 points. David Johnson gained 23 yards on 11 carries and scored 6.10 total points, and is now hurt. For those at home, the two players taken #1 and #2 overall in 100% of fantasy leagues barely managed to combine for 10 total points.
• Devonta Freeman had 37 yards rushing. Demarco Murray had 44. Todd Gurley had 40. Isaiah Crowell had 33. Paul Perkins had 16. Eddie Lacey had 3.
• The top-10 projected WRs, combined to average 7.82 points this week. Even removing the two guys who didn’t play (Mike Evans and Odell Beckham) they still all combined to average under 10 points, and that’s still including Antonio Bryants 25.20 points.
• The average score this week was 121 points. The average for Week 1 last year was 145.
• Of the top-10 projected RBs, none were projected to finish outside of the top-20 in total scoring. Instead they finished 315, 356, 1658*, 22, 71, 137, 249, 84, and 31. (*Jay Ajayi didn’t play)
• Here’s a fun one: of the top-10 players drafted, EIGHT failed to score 10 points. Three didn’t even play.
• Of the top 15 QB’s, only 6 started for teams this week. And of the top 5, only 2 started and 2 aren’t even owned!
• We are living in a world where the two best fantasy quarterbacks in the league are Sam Bradford and Alex Smith. Speaking of which…

We know this year’s Super Bowl matchup will be between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings. I hope you enjoy a game filled with hard-nosed defense and 313 checkdowns. I can’t wait for Super Bowl Sunday where we get to see the interview with Sam Bradford where he talks about how tough his life is getting overpaid at 4 different teams (Yes, I’m including Oklahoma, aaayyyy). And then we get to see the “fun” little segment where he talks about his stupid, long shirt sleeves. How about the puff pieces that fail to mention when Tyreek Hill punched his pregnant girlfriend in the face and then choked her? Or maybe they’ll just describe that as “overcoming adversity.”

We know that the Indianapolis Colts are the worst team in football and will get the first pick in the draft next year. Which is hilarious, given how terrible the Jets are. The Jets, being the Jets, will somehow screw up, not go 0-16, and lose out on the first pick in the draft.

We now know the LA Rams will win the NFC West. Jared Goff made a couple nice throws on Sunday. And that Rams defense looked frisky. They get Aaron Donald back this week too, by the way. Their schedule has a bunch of winnable games (Washington, 49ers twice, Arizona twice, Giants, Jaguars, Texans, Saints, Titans and they managed to beat Seattle last year). Plus, who else is gonna win this division? Seattle’s line is so bad, Russell Wilson is going to go as the headless horseman for Halloween. Carson Palmer just celebrated his 132nd birthday last month. And San Francisco is still San Francisco.

We know the Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East. Lol nah

We now know Karim Hunt is the best Fantasy RB in the history of Fantasy RBs. 50.60 points! He almost had 100+ yards rushing and 100+ yards receiving. This dude is electric. I’m not bitter at all about not taking him during the draft. In fact, I want to congratulate JD right now on winning back-to-back championships. You certainly deserve it after losing all those other championship games.

NFL fans are REALLY excited about the fact that the NFL allows players to dance again. Isn’t it obvious!? What, with the Dunkin Donuts commercial with Gronk and Odell and the seven different Pepsi commercials that pop up every single commercial break. Oh and how about the fact that NBC, FOX, ESPN and CBS each had “teach us your moves!” segments on their pregame shows that were in no way awkward at all? The “F” in NFL now clearly stands for “FUN” now that the players are no longer flagged for celebrating when good things happen.

Next year we will draft backups in the first round and starters as their handcuffs. Guys aren’t even waiting until the middle of the season to get hurt anymore. Look at this: David Johnson: hurt in Game 1. Allen Robinson: hurt in Game 1. Odell Beckham: hurt before Game 1. Jordan Howard: Not as good as the other guy who replaced him in Game 1. And most importantly, Sebastian Janikowski: put on IR before Game 1.

Dog Shit of the Week

Kirk Cousins. No, I do not like that. I had the Eagles-R-words game on my non-RedZone TV on Sunday and man was I treated to a masterpiece in quarterbacking. It was like watching a man physically turn into the poop emoji right before my very eyes. When he wasn’t getting pummeled or running in for his life, Kurt was sailing passes over wide open receivers’ heads, bouncing the ball to his tight ends, or trying to jam it into double coverage.

This was my favorite Bleacher Report update of the day:

Fletcher Cox doesn’t play for Washington, by the way. Not exactly the “connection” I was looking for.

Somehow this guy makes $24 million! I should start dropping office supplies and sending emails to the wrong people and see if I get a raise.

Week 1 Power Rankings

God some of these matchups were ugly. The league is a little bottom heavy right now.

12. Dessert First

Woody’s team managed only 75 points this week. That’s the lowest regular season total since 2012. His entire team didn’t score a touchdown until Monday night. Aside from the 20.70 point night from Stefan Diggs, who was the one to score that touchdown, Woody’s entire team was a poop sandwich. Tom Brady was the only other player to score in double digits, and he still scored 50% less than he was projected. Eight players scored less than 6 points, included Hunter Henry putting up zero. There wasn’t even points to be had on his bench; his bench players only combined for 21 points.

11. FuseLitHugeDick

Looking at the individual performances, I’m not actually sure how Timmy didn’t manage to score 100 points this week. A.A.Ron scored a not-good-but-not-bad 21.65 points. Golden Tate had 18.40 points. He had six other players with 6 or more points, include LeGarrette Blount with 10.70. But, he also had 4 players (Emmanuel Sanders, Martavis Bryant, Bilal Powell, and Chris Boswell) combine for less than 11 points. I guess, yeah, looking at it again, that’s definitely where it happened. At least you have a Huge Dick.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Jeff-Who only had 3 players score in double digits this week. Two of those players (Jordy Nelson & Matt Bryant) scored less than 14 points. Jeff-Who’s team only managed 103 points with seven players scoring 6-or-less points. I think the way to mask the pain of defeat is by eating lots and lots of delicious trifle.

9. Halftime in Cinci

PWood had 4 players who each scored less than 3 points, and only one of them got hurt. No one on his team managed to score double digit points besides his quarterback (Ben Roethlisbeger) and his defense (Baltimore). Baltimore had 4 interceptions by the way.

8. PowerFranks Gore

PWood and I had a real barnburner of a matchup this week. We were basically the Fantasy Football version of the “No, You Go” Portlandia sketch:

By the time the 4 o’clock games ended, we were both sitting well below 100 points, and pretty much stepping all over ourselves trying to lose to each other.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Much like BigBallerBrand launching with $500 sneakers that no one wanted to buy nor wear, even when they were free from your dad, this wasn’t the best launch for BigBrendoBrand. For a second there, Brendo looked like he was going to have the best running back corps in the league. Leonard Fournette looks like a stud. But then David Johnson got hurt. Now the best (or second best) running back in the league is out for 2-3 months with a wrist injury.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

It kinda doesn’t matter what JBiggs did this week, there was a short, dark, Portuguese wrecking ball coming his way. Drew Brees ended up salvaging 21.00 points from a night he looked pretty bad. And the LA Rams Defense scored 46.00 points this week. Holy shit! I told you they were frisky.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Nick’s team had a sort of uneven week. He had eight players with 9-or-more points. He also had four players with 5-or-less. Also, #bigups for drafting Tarik Cohen. #Nick didn’t play him this week or anything, but the guy already had a hashtag next to his name before he began trending this week on the interwebs.

4. Patfaninthecloset

Micho got one of the more consistent weeks from his team. He didn’t have many guys with big weeks (Adam Thielin had 157 yards receiving and a 40-yarder, good enough for 23.70 points), but he only had two players with less than 5 points.

3. Tiger’s Wood

Like I said before, Kareem Hunt is the best fantasy running back since LaDainian Tomlinson. JD has already got this thing all locked up. We’re all just playing for second place.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

Buckets rode Matt Stafford’s 4 pass TDs, Mike Gillislee’s 3 rush TDs, and Jacksonville’s 10(!) sacks to an easy 43-point victory over Brendo this week. He didn’t get a whole heckofalot from the rest of his team, but then again, most of us didn’t really get a heckofalot from our entire teams. All you really need is 3 guys to get 39, 22 and 36 points and apparently you’re good.

1. Spoiler Alert

Well, well, well. After a very disappointing year last season, Vegas has cleaned house, fired the coach and GM, and started fresh. It’s all about changing the culture. Now there’s a good vibe in the locker room. The players are going out to movies together. On the first week of a new season, Vegas’s team responded with a monster day. He had 6 guys (Derek Carr, Tyreek Hill, Antonio Brown, Dalvin Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, and the Pittsburgh D) with 20+ points. Those six players alone were enough to beat JBiggs (as well as 10 other teams in the league, by the way). He had 4 other guys who combined to average 10.8 points each. Gronk was basically the only liability on his team.

AND Vegas handed out that beatdown with Sam Bradford on the bench. I was getting really angry watching the Vikings, knowing that Vegas had him too. Do you understand what I’d do for Sam Bradford at this point?!! I offer a trade, but I have nothing to give!

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

#4 Patsfaninthecloset flies to Vegas to take on #1 Spoiler Alert in a good old fashion Portuguese mumble fest. Loser buys the malasadas.

We also get a DeSantis Bowl! Holy shit! This feels too early. This is like when the Yankees and Red Sox play in April or if you had Florida-Florida State in September. DeSantis Bowl needs to be scheduled later in the year. I need stakes like, “loser doesn’t get to bring home mom’s Thanksgiving leftovers” or “loser doesn’t get Christmas presents” or “loser has to pick up the third DeSantis brother that we never talk about from the airport when they come home for the holidays.”

Don’t forget to set your lineups and pick your survivor. Houston is at Cincy (-6.5, I will never trust Houston again) tonight.