Power Rankings

2017 Going-into-the-SZN PowerRanks

I woke up Tuesday morning after Labor Day and felt the familiar feeling of “well summer is over, back to school* and time for fall.” It was instantly depressing. It made me want to write a post where the gist was basically: “Fuck Fall”. But then I got home from work that day, and the weather was cool and wonderful. I opened all the windows and slept like a fucking rock that night. This got me thinking that maybe fall isn’t so bad. So let’s weigh the pros and cons of fall and try and decide whether fall is in fact good, or instead, is trash.

*I hate that we’re trained for 20 years that we get June, July and August off to just chill. After that though, real life is like, “No more of that. Now you just work everyday of your life!”

Pro: Football is back

Cons: There are none. What am I gonna say “there’s too much football?” Am I gonna start crying about how you can turn on the TV pretty much anytime during the week and see some hot gridiron action? FOH.

Pro: Soccer is back

Cons: I mean I can’t really think of any for this one, either. The only thing I can think of is, sometimes I turn on the TV first thing in the morning and sit down to watch the 7am game, then I don’t eat, shower or move until 2:30pm. Or other times, I’ll go to a bar for a 10am or 11am game, and then after that’s over, football starts, so then I stay at the bar for that. Next thing I know I’ve spent $175, drank 4 pitchers of beer, and eaten nothing but wings and fries for 13 hours. Still, not really a con.

Pro: The leaves are changing and are pretty.

Con: Raking leaves blows! I have a tiny little patio out back of my apartment. I’m sweeping that thing like every other day picking up leaves. It’s bullshit. Why are these fucking leaves falling one at a time?

On the other hand, leaf piles are fun:

Pro: Pumpkin flavored things are kinda delicious. I know what you’re thinking, I too have hated on pumpkin flavored things. But hear me out. I feel like the hate has gone too far. Pumpkin is delicious. Who doesn’t like pumpkin pie? Sociopaths, that’s who. Boom Boom makes a delicious banana bread, but we currently have no bananas. Know what we should do? Throw some pumpkin in that shit! I bet she’s reading this right now, and thinking “That does sound delicious!” and then I’ll get a text from her a couple minutes later saying “Good post babe! Great idea about the pumpkin bread, we should totally do that.” And then I’ll reply: “I know, right?!” “Let’s touch butts.”

Con: The hate has not gone far enough. I think the real issue is that Pumpkin SZN starts in August. I saw Halloween decorations in CVS two weeks ago. It wasn’t even September. And Pumpkin SZN is doing the same thing. If it started in mid-September and went until Thanksgiving, I think we’d all be fine with it. Right now, no one wants to drink a pumpkin beer when it’s 80 degrees outside. Then by the time you’re actually ready for a pumpkin beer in November, they’re all gone. I blame the white chicks. They simply won’t be denied their Pumpkin Mocha Frappaccinos, so BIG COFFEE gives it to them earlier and earlier every year, and the basic betches keep on drinking it. But treat yourself gurl! You just did a $75 spin class. You deserve what’s basically a slice of pumpkin pie with a scoop of coffee ice cream thrown into a blender.

Pro: The weather is amazing. It’s sunny and warm during the day, and cool and comfortable at night. There’s nothing like sleeping with the window open during the fall. You could be parking an aircraft carrier in my front yard, but as long as that fall breeze is blowing, I’ll be sleeping like a baby.

Con: The weather actually sucks. It’s simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. It could be 80 degrees in the sun and 60 in the shade. How is that possible? And obviously, the solution to that is LAYERS. What am I wearing fucking breakaway pants to work? Lemme just pack this suitcase filled with sweatshirts and sweaters but also shorts and t-shirts for my trip all the way out to dinner.

Pro: Kids go back to school.** I can only imagine, but it seems like it’d be pretty dope.Free childcare! Suddenly daddy has the house to himself. Pants optional.

Con: Maybe it’s sad the first day you drop them off. Suck it up and have a beer.

**Unless of course, you’re a teacher. If you’re a teacher, Labor Day is the worst day of the year. You find yourself sitting on that last beautiful beach day of the year, staring into the ocean, thinking “What if I walked into the water right now and just kept walking? Do you think anyone would miss Mr. Warburton?”

Pro: Holidays. There are way more holidays in fall than any other season. Fact. I didn’t even have to look it up. You got Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving alone would be enough to carry this season over the others, but that’s four long weekends in three months. Spring aint’ got shit on that.

Con: The only downside is some jobs are a little wonky about these holidays. Making plans on Columbus Day weekend is impossible. Some people get it off, some don’t, some can work from home. My job doesn’t give me Veterans Day off. Technically it’s a floating holiday, but it means I have to choose between that and holidays earlier in the year, which I inevitably take off because they’re earlier in the year and fuck thinking about the future, get me out of this place, and put beer in me. How do I not get this day off? The bank isn’t even open. How can I be expected to work on a day you can’t even deposit my paycheck? I guess my job just hates the troops.

Con: It starts getting dark earlier and earlier, sapping your will to live.

Pro: Who needs to go outside when there’s football!

Dogshit of the Week

NO ONE! Football starts tonight. No one can do any wrong. Let’s save the women beating, racial inequality, threat of world war, annoying neighbors, and fantasy kickers until the season starts. Until then, there’s nothing to shit on. Life is great! Football is back!

Preseason/Heading into the 2017 Season PowerRanks

Anybody else notice how all the older guys in the league got C’s and all the younger guys got B’s. What kind of ageist bullshit is that?! Millennials are ruining fantasy football. Are we gonna have avocado toast at the draft next year?! Oh well, on with the #PowerRanks:

12. FuseLitHugeDick

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With the sixth pick in the draft, FuseLitHugeDick selects: Tim Tebow.

Best Pick of the Draft: DeMarco Murray at 19 is pretty nice.

Worst Pick of the Draft: I could say when Timmy looked at me in the driveway and said “Fuck FantasyPros. They’re the whole reason I took Tyler Lockett last year. I’m never listening to them again.” Then this year, proceeded to take Golden Tate 35 picks higher than his ADP.

But no, Timmy’s worst pick was definitely choosing to say something incredibly raunchy as hell, something along the lines of “I’d definitely fuck a 15-year-old,” just as Pa Woody was coming up the stairs to check in on everybody.

11. Dessert First

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Congratulations, Dessert First has earned a participation award.” This was the first line of his recap. Jesus.

Best Pick of the Draft: Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Garoppolo. Woody literally drafted a handcuff for his QB. I’ve never even heard of that. I can’t even say this is a bad pick. Woody ate the whole wheel of cheese.

10. Satin & Lace Eddie

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, Satin & Lace Eddie Hopefully Isn’t Playing for Money.” Bummer, I think by Woody’s math, he is playing for money.

Best Pick of the Draft: Raleigh Raps. Let’s look back at a video of RhysNice while Buckets was rapping:

Worst Pick of the Draft: Aww man Buckets couldn’t help himself to all those Dolphins again. He grabbed DeVante Parker 3 rounds too early. Maybe he just wanted a WR corps made up of Devontes.

9. PowerFranks Gore

Yahoo Grade: C+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, PowerFranks Gore Should Probably Stop Reading This Draft Recap Now” Yikes. I didn’t leave the draft super ecstatic about my team, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: No Rhys Farts

Worst Pick of the Draft: Spencer Ware. This would’ve been an amazing pick value pick 2 days earlier. Dude was projected to be a top-20 RB, had an ADP of 47, and I got him at 76. But as soon as I stuck the sticker to the draft board, I heard someone say, “He’s out for the season right?” and not in that joking, gotcha around way. We went down for Pizza Break right after that, and I was never the same the rest of the night. And it had nothing to do with the 7 slices of Domino’s pizza.

8. Patsfaninthecloset

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Brett Favre is Just a Phone Call Away. Patsfaninthecloset grabbed a couple of QBs (Marcus Mariota and Eli Manning) that’ll both be on bye in Week 8, and will be looking for a signal-caller. You can try to call Brett, but texting him isn’t exactly encouraged.” I love the commitment to this joke. Some fantasy writer at Yahoo thought this was comedy gold.

Best Pick of the Draft: The Three Headed Monster. Only Micho would go out and BUY a tap for the keg at a fantasy draft, then get one with three taps AND a foot pedal. The foot pedal was clutch, once I actually figured out how to get my hoedown foot going.

Worst Pick of the Draft: 2 Defenses again Micho?! At least you didn’t pick 2 kickers again, but still. Come on!

7. BigBrendoBrand

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “BigBrendoBrand should use Week 8 to think about anything other than fantasy football, like, based on principal, should vegetarians be allowed to eat animal crackers?” There are a couple versions of this one, and they’re all pretty good: “…why don’t the pants worn by Dr. Bruce Banner rip when he transforms into the Hulk?” or my favorite, “….why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?” Also, the “Schedule” part of the Yahoo recaps usually said, “Well on Week 8, there team is screwed.” Yeah, no shit! There are 6 teams on bye Weeks 8 & 9. And four each during Weeks 5, 6, 10, & 11. Odds are there’s gonna be a week that your team is screwed.

Best Pick of the Draft: The keg. I mean, I don’t think anyone came close to their allotted 19 beers, but it still made me feel like a Big Brendo Baller.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Pierre Garcon. I actually like this pick, but grabbing him at 74 when his ADP was 97 was a bit of a reach.

6. #Brady40MainiHorny

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “#Brady40MainiHorny may have to rely on a Ouija board each week.” I don’t even really know what this means, or even if it’s good or bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: Reshad Jones. This was the last pick of the draft. This is a great pick. He was hurt last year, but he scored 170 points the year before!

Worst Pick of the Draft: No custom shirt. I found the oversized throwback Hawks jersey entertaining, but not as entertaining as taking off your shirt to reveal wearing a tank top with your face on Tom Brady’s body.

5. Tiger’s Wood

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Maybe You Should Add Tony Gonzalez While You’re At It. Tiger’s Wood must have missed the point of drafting a back-up. In Week 11, both Greg Olsen and Jack Doyle will be on bye.” OH SHIT! That’s some shade right there, Yahoo. You got ’em good! JD drafted two QBs with the same bye week too, by the way.

Best Pick of the Draft: Isaiah Crowell. JD grabbed a projected top-15 RB 14 picks after his ADP. That was the first of, like, 4 guys he scooped from me (I was also eyeing Crowder and Maclin before he scooped them). I swear JD and I had the same cheatsheet. Except somehow, he gets a B and I get a C+

Worst Pick of the Draft: I don’t even know. Yahoo says he built “a squad with minimal risk, grabbing 11 “low-risk” players out of 19 picks” Ugh. Typical JD. Never taking any risks in life. Boring old JD…. Dammit. This would’ve been so much more fun if JD hadn’t actually won a championship.

4. Spoiler Alert

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “With Some Early Gambles, Spoiler Alert is of the Average Variety.” ‘Average Variety’ is some Mariah Carey/RuPaul’s Drag Race-level shade.

Best Pick of the Draft: Steak Tips. And taking Brown and Gronk with his first and second picks.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Coming like an hour late to the draft. Both Buckets and Vegas were late for the draft. Buckets a least has two children as an excuse.

3. Beat Micho-gan

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With an average of 7.9 years of NFL experience, Beat Micho-gan has the greatest chance of losing a player to osteoporosis.” It’s crazy that their algorithm includes something that looks for old players, and then someone wrote this. Do you think there’s one about young players/rookies?

Best Pick of the Draft: Chocolate Trifle Pudding. I spent the week before shit-talking dessert and JeffWho blew the fucking roof off the top floor with that trifle. It was de-goddamn-licious.

I also liked the Landon Collins pick in the 11th round a lot.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Olivier Vernon. It’s a last round flier but this is some Giant fandom bullshit through and through. Also JeffWho took Matt Bryant in the 14th round.

2. Halftime in Cinci

Yahoo Grade: A-

Best Line from Yahoo Draft Recap: “These players will be heavily relied upon by Halftime in Cinci, as they are the best group of WRs in the league.” When PWood took Allen Robinson in the 4th Round, we were all like, “Well he’s stacked at WR, but what’s he gonna go with the rest of his team?” I guess he’ll do just fine. Or at least according to Yahoo. I’m not sure Mark Ingram, Paul Perkins, and Eddie Lacy are the best starting RBs though.

Best Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Graham. Even though he still only had WRs at this point and no RBs, grabbing Graham at 56 was pretty good value.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Eddie Lacy. He’s fat.

1. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Yahoo Grade: B+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Grabbing C.J. Mosley at pick 168 was, let’s say, conceptually adventurous.” I’m not sure if Yahoo’s automated draft reacapping shade thrower has figured that IDPs are a thing. Jesus, imagine if you played in an IDP league, I bet everybody gets F’s. “Taking JJ Watt 1st overall would’ve been a good pick, if you were dropped on your head.”

Best Pick of the Draft: Drew Brees. It was a bit early (9 picks before ADP) but it’s worth it. The guy slings the goddamn football. 673 times last year! Only Joe Flacco threw the ball that much last year.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Justin Tucker. You don’t take a kicker in the 13th round. Toppa Champs don’t take kickers 5 rounds too early. Champions don’t even take kickers during the draft.

I’ve never been more excited than to type this. Set your lineups fellas. Football is back! Football is BACK!! FOOTBALL IS BACK!!! FOOOTTBAVLLLA IS BAVCAIUSNFKJASFH:AIHO!!! The World Champion New England Patriots (-8.5) take on the Chiefs tonight in Foxborough. No ColorRush needed! All the Color is Rushing to my penis!

Opening Night! Football! TOPPA!

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