Power Rankings

2017 Pre-Toppa Draft PowerRankings

In honor of the 230 beers to be drunk on Toppa Draft night, I was going to list my 230 favorite things about the start of football. But that became very, very difficult, very, very quickly. I decided to scrap that idea because I ended up with 175 of the top reasons being RedZone. Then I just started listing foods that I’m excited to cook in the crockpot. Not the best list. But all that food got me thinking, how about we PowerRank all the foodstuffs to eat and drink (drinkstuffs?) during Toppa Draft?

Toppa Draft Foodstuffs PowerRanks

1. Beer #1

Oh there’s nothing like cracking that first beer pre-Toppa Draft. There’s so much excitement. There’s so much anticipation. There’s people you haven’t seen in months. There’s that “good to see ya” mixed with “I hope I crush you this season” vibe. You know you’re gonna have a good time even if your team sucks. It’s like Christmas morning, but all your presents are a really fun, drunk, good time.

2. Steak Tips

I mean, come on. Everybody knows that the steak tips are the bomb. Vegas’s steak tips are like when you go to a really good steakhouse; you’re like, “This is so simple yet so delicious. This is a thing I could do.” But then you’re think, “Meh maybe I’ll just let someone else cook me delicious meat.”

3. Buckets Dip

Buckets Dip is amazing. You gotta get it before it gets cold though. Then it just congeals into a solid pieces of cheese mixture. Don’t get me wrong, I still go dip like another 5 to 35 more chips into the solid cheese mass, but it’s not as delicious as when it’s piping hot.

4. Beer #2

“You know what, I’ll have one more.” That’s the best part of the night right there. That time when you go from having A beer, to having A COUPLE beers. When your standing in Woody’s mom’s driveway and you reach for that second beer, knowing that it’s gonna the second beer of many, it’s a great feeling.

5. Chicken Wings

Brendo’s wings fall off the bone, which is awesome because it means I can stick the whole chicken wing in my mouth and then just pull bones out. His wings are also the perfect amount of spicy and sweet. I don’t know if their teriyaki, but I’m happy to describe them that way.

6. Meat Balls

Wanna know the one thing that’s better than meat. Well, besides sex. Meat that is in bitesize form. Meatballs are the perfect foodstuff. Would you like to put this meat into a sandwich? Here, I have a bunch of portable balls of meat. Would you like to put a little bit of delicious meat in your mouth? Well these meat balls are bitesized and fit on a toothpick. Perfect.

7. Beer #10

Beer 10 is great because it’s a real milestone. Not only does it mean you’re good and proper drunk (and I don’t care who you are, if you’ve had 10 beers, you’re drunk), but it also is a point where you get to brag. “Oh, he’s had 10 beers, well that’s double digits, so that means something.” It’s the double-double of drinking.

8. Champagne

I’m not gonna tell Timmy how to do his job….. BUT if it were my responsibilty to buy Champagne for Toppa Draft, I would go and buy 2 bottles of Prosecco. You can get a bottle for $15-$20 and it tastes just as good as a $40 bottle of champagne. I mean, maybe follow this article for the best 15 Proseccos for any summer celebration. The first two on the list are called “Cupcake” and “Manage a Trois,” how can you argue with that?

That said, I bought a bottle of 94-point champagne for my parents last time I was home and it tasted like Kool-Aid. So maybe I don’t know what I’m talking about.

9. Beans

They’re the magical fruit.

10. Beer #5

Beer #5 is the point you start getting a nice shine on. I become the handsomest, funniest motherfucker on the planet after Beer #5

11. Beer #19

Talk about a milestone. When you drink Beer #19, you’ve done it. You’ve drank your allotted amount of beer for the night.

230 beers! Each person has to drink 19 beers. Let’s be conservative and assume Woody’s gonna fuck up tapping the keg, and there’s gonna be a ton of foam, so let’s subtract about 10 beers. That’s still 18 a person. This is insanity. Look, I’ll never complain about drinking beers. Drinking beer is my favorite activity. But this is a lot of beer. We’re drinking two 30-packs before tapping a keg! I graduated college 12 years ago. I might die.

By the way, I can’t remember the last time I bought a 30-pack of beer. Like I’ve bought 30 beers in one purchase, 2 weeks ago actually. But they were 30 different beers, and didn’t come in a cardboard box with a built-in handle. It’s probably been years. Let’s hope I remember how to do it.

11. Candy Bowl

Nothing quite brings out the taste of Bud Light like Sour Gummy Worms and Swedish Fish. The Candy Bowl is my enemy, because at 2am, I look at it like it’s a great idea and shove a handful of skittles in my maw. It’s not a great idea.

12. Dr. McGillicuddy

Ah yes. The good doctor. “Straight shooting since 1865.” I can’t wait to fake taking a shot of this as it gets passed around the room. It doesn’t even say what kind of alcohol it is on the label. It may as well be like a freeze pop, where the flavors are just colors.

13. Beer #3

I’m pretty sure I didn’t come up with this, in fact it may have been Woody’s theory, but there is nothing more useless than Beer #3. It’s just a means to an end. If you’re “grabbing a drink” with someone, you’ll have one, maybe two, drinks, then go your separate ways. If you’re “going drinking” you’re gonna have 5 or 6 or 7 or 8 or 20. So that third beer is just a beer along the way. It’s the state of Connecticut of beers.

14. Beer #11

Beer #11 sucks, because I’m going to be drunker than I think at that point, and then I will spill Beer 11 all over the floor and my rankings.

15. Domino’s Pizza

I will be drunk by the time point that this pizza arrives.

I will also be very full by the time this pizza arrives, and will not need to eat any pizza.

Eating this pizza will give me severe and stinky farts.

Domino’s Pizza is just okay.

Eating this pizza, possibly most importantly, will burn the roof of my mouth when I bite into it.

Despite all of the reasons listed above, I will have 3-8 pieces of just okay pizza.

16. Dessert

There’s nothing like consuming 3000 calories in meat, cheese and alcohol and then taking a break to have some sugar.

Pre-Toppa Draft PowerRanks

I gotta say. This year, you guys fucking brought it. I don’t look at team names until the last minute in an effort to make my rankings as true and organic as possible. And when I checked them on Tuesday I was blown away. Quality from top to bottom. Well, except for JeffWho.

12. Jeff’s Team

Goddammit! I’m not even mad. I’m just really disappointed. Like, come on. Even Timmy managed to pick a team name. You couldn’t even be bothered to name your team “ShesMyWendyPeffercorn” again? I’d even take “Mr. Rodger’s Neighborhood” at this point. What the fuck!? And it’s not like you don’t check your phone. You claimed to do a whole semester of college using just your phone. That shit is utterly bonkers, by the way. Unless you’re Snapchatting yourself a-fucking-pologizing, I don’t care what you’re sending me. “Toppa SZN” huh? Is it? I wouldn’t know if you noticed.

And as of this very moment, Jeff has still yet name is team. What are you bringing for dessert to the draft? A fucking empty pan and some store-bought cookie dough? Know what Jeff? It’s all fucking kickers for you. You don’t get steak tips. You don’t get Raleigh Raps. You don’t get Rhys Farts. You get nothing. FOH.

11. Satin & Lace Eddie

Big ups to Buckets for not naming his team after Clinton Portis. I bet we’re old enough now, that there are football fans out there who have no idea who Clinton Portis is, nor do they know how fucking weird he was. Getting old sucks.

10. Tiger’s Wood

I was gonna rank this one lower because it relates to golf and it’s football season goddammit. But then I learned about the Tiger dick pics, and I gave the name a little more credit. But still, it relates to golf and it’s football season goddammit.

9. CheesyGoditaCrunch

I assume this is an authentic Mexican dish. Like, the ancient Aztecs were taking one taco and putting it inside another taco, but before doing that, they slathered the outside taco in fake cheese? Taco Bell is just trying to bring back this ancient delicacy.

You know something’s impressive if it cost $3 dollars at Taco Bell. They give shit away there (in more ways than one, hayooo!). Nachos are 99 cents there! Nachos! Not even a dollar! Something’s not right about that place.

8. PowerFranks Gore

I kinda hate naming my team. I feel like I blew my load three years ago with FiveDollarFrankGore and have been running on fumes ever since. I have to give Woody the assist for this one.

Here is a list of names I debated before finally landing on the one I did:

  • Pickle Rick – I love Rick & Morty so goddamn much and basically wanted to the excuse to just yell “PICKLE RIIIIICK!!” at various moments. I probably should’ve just done this. If you can name your team after a Taco Bell food item, you can name your team after your current favorite TV episode. Maybe I’ll still use this team name for my sidepiece league.
  • Fumble My Grundle – Speaking of my sidepiece league, this was my team name last year. Feel free to take this. It’s my gift to you.
  • Kissin’ Titties

Here’s a couple of Player/PowerRanks puns I debated before landing on PowerFranks Gore:

  • Dont’aHighPowerRanks
  • Trey FlowersRanks

I went through a bunch of team names trying to integrate as many children of Toppa names as I could. I thought if I could get every kid name into one team name, then you fuckers wouldn’t have to:

  • NICK mANNAgold
  • sebastiANNAn JANEkowski
  • NICKvorro bowmANNA
  • MARYo williANNAms
  • JANE kuhn
  • JAMEs harriSON
  • JAMES ONwualu
  • Demarco MARY
  • MARYcus MARYiota
  • And last but not least:  LeGarMARY BlouMARY

7. Dessert First

What does “Dessert First” even mean? Is it sexual? It kinda sounds sexual. But even if it was sexual, I still wouldn’t know what it was. Or maybe it could be completely not sexual. Is it like a cute thing Mary does? Does she ask to have dessert before dinner all the time? Ohhhh… I know what it is. I bet it started as a cute thing Mary was asking all the time, but then it BECAME sexual thing, and Woody started asking Lady Commish if he could have dessert first. Such a dirty, dirty boy.

And if it’s not how Woody currently asks for sex, it definitely is now.

6. Spoiler Alert

I’m pretty happy that Vegas just leaned into this. Well done.

5. Brady preps B. Cooks

Pretty solid. This name feels like PWood just Googled “funny fantasy football team names” and found one he liked. But I just did that, and didn’t find this team name in the 15 seconds I spend looking, so, he gets full credit for it.

4. FuseLitHugeDick

Oh I get it. You made a little play on words with your own name to insinuate you have a large penis. Nice.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

I like to picture #Nick being blackout drunk, with an egg roll hanging out of his mouth, and mumbles “Brady 40. Maini Horny.” and then passes out.

2. Patsfaninthecloset

I love this team name. This is high quality right here. It’s clever. It’s funny. It’s got the double meaning. It’s self-deprecating. It’s great. Well done, Micho. I would probably have given this number one if it were not for…

1. BigBrendoBrand

That’s a Brendo gif two years in a row!

*This post originally said that JD’s team was Brady preps B. Cooks, but it is in fact PWood’s team. It has been corrected. All white babies look alike to me.

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