Well, it’s fall in New York. You wouldn’t know it, because it’s still like 75 fucking degrees. But I can tell, because all the leaves are dying and everything tastes like pumpkin. Nothing says fall like death and pumpkins. Seriously, if Steve Harvey surveyed 100 people what their first thought was when some when said “Fall”, the top two answers would be “Leaves Changing Color” and “Pumpkins.” But you know the fucking Miller family would try and steal with some bullshit answer like “Daylight Savings.” Stupid, fucking Miller family. Big Red X for you! I keep waiting for the leaves to start changing here in New York, but like I said before its still fucking hot. It’s probably just going to pour one day in November and all the leaves will fall off and we’ll move straight into winter. Just like we basically moved from winter straight into summer this year. Spring was like 4 days in April. Thanks global warming!
I can’t decide if I hate the fact that everything tastes like pumpkin in the fall. On the one hand, I enjoy pumpkin. Pumpkin pie is delicious. Who doesn’t love pumpkin pie? If you don’t, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT! It’s delicious and its made from pumpkin, which I’m pretty sure is a vegetable, so that shit is good for you too. I enjoy pumpkin beers too. Ironically though, I do not like my beers to taste like pumpkin pie. Wait, that’s a lie. Southern Tier Pumking is fucking incredible and tastes just like pumpkin pie. Maybe I just don’t like shitty pumpkin beers? Yeah, that’s probably it. You can’t just throw some pumpkin into a shitty beer and make it suddenly good.
But what I don’t like is having pumpkin shoved down my throat. Metaphorically. Though, it probably would be pretty horrible to have a pumpkin physically shoved down your throat. I don’t like being told that “IT’S PUMPKIN SEASON” and that everything I eat and drink should be made of pumpkins. I want Raekwon at Dunkin Donuts to subtly say to me, “Hey, just in case you didn’t know, we have some pumpkin stuff over here. But, if you don’t want it, it’s all good man.” Instead, they have so much pumpkin shit at Dunkin Donuts, they could open a small little section specifically dedicated to pumpkin products. I shouldn’t see Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale in my grocery store in AUGUST. I shouldn’t see pumpkin flavored yogurt (Gross!), M&Ms (Why?), peanut butter (WHY? What does that even taste like?!), Kahlua (WHY!?! Who doesn’t like the taste of Kahlua so much that they feel the need to change it?), condoms (Apparently this one is a joke, but everyone believed it for a hot second. And you know the people a Durex are already working on a recipe for next fall.). I can’t take all this pumpkin. Like my kids would say when I was a teacher and I gave them like 20 questions for homework, “Mister, that’s TOO MUCH!”
Dog Shit of the Week
All of Brendo’s Team, besides Tom Brady. If you don’t include Tommy, Brendo’s DEF or Kicker, Brendo’s team didn’t even score 40 points. That’s 9 players, if you’re counting at home. Good thing you traded LeSean McCoy (22.4 points) for DeAndre Hopkins and Five Dollar Frank Gore (5 combined points). Did Yahoo grade that trade an A+ just like they did my draft?
Runners Up: Kendall Wright. 1 catch for 6 yards. This guy sucks. I was pretty pissed to see him go off the week after I dropped him. It’s nice to know things are back to normal. Woody, don’t believe Yahoo when they tell you “He didn’t do to well last week, but he’s got a great match up this week.” They say it every week. And he always sucks. Lies. It’s all lies; Lord Helmet, aka Wes Welker. 1 catch for 8 yards; Corderelle Patterson. Again.
12. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 12)
Brendo lost to Nick this week in the Loser Bowl. Stuper Bowl? Pooper Bowl! I think that might be the best I’m gonna do. It’s okay Brendo, you have the number one waiver wire claim. This week you can… do absolutely nothing with it! Do we even have waivers?
11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)
Holy shit! Have you seen that Nick’s Team has more 1000 points against?!? That’s some bad luck! That’s like standing under a ladder, looking at yourself in a broken mirror holding a black cat, while taking a shit on a four leaf clover. Or something.
10. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)
Fuck you and your 4th place. Justin’s team has scored exactly 1 more point than Nick’s. So, he gets to be exactly one spot ahead of him in the power rankings.
9. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 8)
That trade is not looking so good now, is it? You should never panic trade away your best player. See: McCoy, LeSean. Now you’re stuck with Russell Wilson instead of Aaron Rodgers. Sure he had 45 points last week, but he’s gonna have a lot more weeks like this (11 points), than weeks like that.
Sooo… who wants Peyton Manning?
8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 7)
Reason #27 Why I hate Fantasy Football: I scored 144 points this week and still managed to get Biggest Blownouted.
Reason #8: Not that you care, but in my other fantasy league I scored the second most points of the week, but still lost because I played, you guessed it, the top scorer of the week. In that league, I have more points than the girl (GIRL!) in first place, but she’s 5-1 (GIRL!) and I’m 0-6.
7. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 5)
So, when does Fantasy Basketball start? This is the worst collection of RBs I’ve ever seen. Matt Asiata is in over his head. Trent Richardson we’ve discussed. Donald Brown is hurt. Jerrick McKinnon had one good game (and won’t have another one against Buffalo) and Chris Ivory isn’t bad, but he’s on the Jets.
And stop it with Josh Gordon. He’s not gonna play this year.
Did you know Rhys can also be a girl’s name? Just saying.
6. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 10)
Austin beat Micho in the Por-Da-Gee Bowl. Chourico N’ Peppers Bowl? Malasada Bowl? Now I’m just hungry. God there was probably so much angry muttering between these two. I’m sorry I missed it.
5. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 2)
Oh! Portuguese War O Man! Get it?
Maybe layoff the sauce there buddy. No more drinks for you. Two terrible losses in a row. Falling out of second place. Get it together man.
It’s a shame too, because you probably could use a drink this week.
SNAPCHAT OF MICHO AT CAPPY’S…
Whew, that was a tough one.
4. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 6)
PWood’s really had some bad luck. He’s had the third most points scored on him, only behind Austin and Nick. And really, those guys deserve it.
Watch out though. His next three are: at Brendo, then home for Austin and Justin. 6-3 could be right around the corner.
3. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 4)
This beating was pretty bad. Josh basically beat the shit out of me then threw me onto a pile of guns. God bless the NFL and their ridiculous, unending list of domestic violence cases. I feel like I’m never going to run out of fun way to say “(Blank) beat the shit out of me this week.” It’s one of the few things keeping me going.
Reason #14 Why I hate Fantasy Football: That one stud who’s having a terrible season and barely putting up any points week in and week out decides to be his old self and goes off for 20 points the week that I happen to be playing him. This counts for Arian Foster too. And fucking Cam Newton. Josh’s team is suddenly very good.
2. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 3)
Timmy is playing to the level of his competition. He’s gone out and beat the two best team in the league (Raleigh and Josh). But he’s also lost to me in embarrassing fashion and to Austin, which is just embarrassing.
I just realized that Timmy beat Raleigh even though Percy Harvin and CJ Spiller both scored negative points! And his LB broke his kneecap in the middle of the game. I had Timmy ranked third because Josh beat the shit out of me this week, but this is basically Timmy’s team this week…
1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)
I was really tempted to knock Raleigh out of first place after losing two weeks in a row. But his team has scored the most points in the league and has like 70 more points than the next highest scorer (PWood). To put that in perspective, that’s the difference between the second highest and sixth highest scores. Oh and that would be me. Reason #34.
Set your lineups and make an eliminator pick. THE PATS PLAY TONIGHT! Fuck the Jets! Fuck them right in their collective pussy.