Week 7 Power Rankings

So we’re either a league that is full of super competitive teams, or most of us are bad at fantasy football. Two thirds of our league is under .500. I’m leaning towards competitive because 3 teams are tied for first. But maybe its not competitive, because 7 teams are 3-4. But maybe it is, since that’s only 2 games back. If it is in fact competitive, Brendo, you’re technically in 4th place.

Hey watch this: This week I beat JeffWho, who beat Micho, who beat Woody, who beat Austin, who beat Timmy, who beat Josh, who beat Justin, who beat Raleigh, who beat #Nick, who beat Brendo, who beat PWood who, just to bring this whole thing around again, beat me. I don’t know if it answers the question, but it sure was fun! And really not that difficult to figure out.

This may just be a function of fantasy football is a completely FUCKING RANDOM game. Let’s go through all the first round picks, which were pretty much following the consensus rankings of just about every other person in the country, and see how they did:

LeSean McCoy: 36.20 points in the first 5 weeks. 7.24 points/week average.
Adrian Peterson: Beat his kid with a tree branch. Will not play in the NFL for 2-4 years.
Jamaal Charles: 5.60 total points in Weeks 1 and 2. DNP week 3.
Matt Forte: 28.1 points in the first 3 weeks. 9.36 points/week average.
Calvin Johnson: After his week 1 monster performance, he scored 19.40 total points over the next four weeks, with 15 catches, 184 yards and 0 TDS (4/46/0 Average). That’s basically Nate Fucking Washington. Oh and he didn’t play the last two weeks.
Eddie Lacy: 12.10 total points in Weeks 1-3. Take out Week 5’s 32.20 points and he’s averaging 6.71 points/week.
Demaryius Thomas: On point now, but averaged 47 yards and scored only 1 TD over the first 3 weeks of the season.
Jimmy Graham: 8th in scoring amongst Tight Ends.
A.J. Green: Hasn’t played in 3 of 6 games.
Peyton Manning: Choreographs and practices his touchdown dances, like a ninny. Also is second in scoring to Andrew Luck, who was taken in the 3rd round.
Marshawn Lynch: Total Beast Mode for 3 of his first 4 games, with a solid 12 points in the other game. Since then, he’s scored 6 & 7 points in his last 2 games.
Dez Bryant: For the most part he’s been a monster, especially as far as receivers go, but he did have two 6-point games.

So, it then comes down to who you took in rounds 2 & 3. If you took, say, DeMarco Murray and Andrew Luck in those rounds you’d be in really good shape.

Dog Shit of the Week

Smokin’ Jay Cutler. 3 Fumbles, 1 Lost. 1 Interception. (-7 points) If he has an average day PWood would’ve probably won. But I doubt he caaaarrreeessss.

Runners Up: Jordan Cameron: It’s tough because he’s a tight end and all tight ends are dog shit. But 1 catch for 5 yards is exceptionally shitty; Mike Nugent: Is it silly to have a kicker here? It kind of is, but he scored 0 points. I don’t think I’ve seen a goose egg from a kicker before. If he hits 2 chip shots and a 40 yarder, Woody wins.

Also recieving votes: Alshon Jeffery, Hakeem Nicks, Frank Gore, Markus Wheaton.

On to the #PowerRankings

12. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 6)

Austin couldn’t even score 100 points this week. He then got his lunch money and spork taken by #Nick. I bet Austin doesn’t even care. He’s just laying in the sun, playing shuffleboard and eating dinner at 4:30pm.

11. Tom Tupa (Last Week: 12)

The good ol’ name change. Works every time.

10. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 9)

Whew, all the shit talkin’ I did about Russell Wilson almost came back to bite me in the ass. He was the highest scoring player in our league last week with 53 points. I would totally look like fucking loser if Wilson went off after I talked shit about him and I ended up losing to Jeff. Thankfully, though, I won. So, Jeff’s the loser. Take that. Fucking Loser.

9. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)

I’m not even mad that #Nick beat me out for the highest score of the week by 0.10 points. I’m not mad at all. At all. I totally wasn’t looking forward to using that money. I didn’t even want it. Not. Mad. At. All.

8. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 7)

I’m pretty sure Woody’s team is not very good. When I was going through who he’s played, his only wins have come against #Nick, Brendo and Austin. Not good man. Not good.

7. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 5)

The wheels are coming off Micho. You’ve now lost 3 in a row. To Brendo, Austin and Justin. They suck. Get your shit together.

6. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 10)

Ugh, fuck this team. Justin has the third worst point total in the league. He’s averaging less than 132 points/week. The only reason he’s in third is that only two teams have had less points scored against them. It’s only gonna get worse! Justin’s next 4 games are #Nick, PWood, Brendo and Austin. Those are very winnable matchups against bad teams. I can only hope Justin rides all this luck to finishing the season in second place, then gets blown out in the playoffs. That’d be nice.

5. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 4)

Now for your weekly installment of PWood’s team is actually better than his record. Jesus Pat, you’re starting to make me look stupid. I can’t keep being like “PWood’s team is third in the league in scoring, blah blah blah” and then you keep fucking losing. Go hang out with Micho and you two get your shit together.

4. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)

I am second in this league in points. What the fuck? Why am I not in second place? Or even just have a winning record? Goddammit!

3. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 3)

Another reason why we may all suck: In a battle between the top two teams in the league, Raleigh beat Josh by less than 6 points. You may be saying, “Rhys, that sounds very competitive to me.” And I would agree with you. But here’s the thing, the score was 119.25 – 125.20. That’s some weak ass shit. If that game was 201 – 194 then I’d be bragging. We could all be bragging. But neither of the top two teams in our league could score 130 points. That’s less than what Justin is averaging! And his team is shitty!

2. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 2)

Timmy literally bullied Micho into dropping Zac Stacy. Look at this (Be sure to note the time stamps):

Then this happened:

I hope Stepfan Taylor goes off for… wait, who the fuck is Stepfan Taylor?!? Don’t tell me that dude’s name is pronounced Steven. Pleeeeaase don’t tell me that. Of course it is. That’s one of the worst names I’ve ever seen and I taught a kid named Jhonny. Fuck, we’re all doomed. Forget Ebola, there’s an epidemic of stupid motherfuckers and they’re going to take over the world and we’re all going to be fucked.

1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

Raleigh’s still #1 in scoring by more than 80 points. He took care of business against Josh. There’s not much else to say here. Just watch your back, big man. I’m coming for you this week… That’s an empty threat. I’m totally gonna lose again.

Set your lineups and make your eliminator picks (um… the other two of you). Broncos play the Chargers tonight.