Happy Halloween motherfuckers!
Halloween, a time when adults get to dress up and get drunk. A time when lazy guys can put a red sox hat and say, “I’m Big Papi”. A time when those really creative people can put in like two weeks of work, sewing their own costume and then show everyone else up at the party and make you feel like shit. A time when women can dress like a slutty cat, or a slutty princess, or a slutty police officer, or a slutty superhero, or a slutty… ebola nurse ??? And if women want to be creative… you cut that shit out.
Here’s a fun map of the most googled Halloween costumes by state. Some thoughts:
- Of course Rhode Island is googling how to be a cat for Halloween. Not only are we so fucking unoriginal, we’re fucking stupid too. “I dunno Lindsey, I really want to be a cat this yeah, but I just got no idear how to do it.” “Me too. Let’s google it and find out! Oh look, this one is only 40 dollahs and looks nothin’ like a cat!” “This is gonna be great! Let’s go get some coffemilk”
- Who or what is Slender Man?
- Arkansas is full of sluts.
Anyway, let’s jump right into it this week, I’ve got to get back to trying to convince my girlfriend to wear a costume that requires eyeblack. This week I’ve got so many Halloween candy hot takes to share. Starting with:
Dog Shit of the Week
Root Beer Barrel Candy: This is just a personal preference, but fuck you if you like root beer. It tastes like shit; Cam Newton: All Cams are the worst. No one named Cam is cool. Except Cam’ron. He’s pretty fucking cool. Anyway, when a QB doesn’t do shit, it totally kills you in this league. 9 points from your QB and you’re gonna lose, doesn’t matter if Arian Foster goes for 43 points. Can Cam Newton finally stop with the fucking towel-hoodie thing? He looks like a jackass.
Runners Up: Grape Jolly Ranchers. Grape candy in general is pretty gross, but this one especially offensive. As far as I’m concerned, it’s sour apple and watermelon, and nothing else matters; Wes Welker: I bet he wishes he wasn’t handing out those hundreds anymore. He’s gonna need em in a year or two; Whoppers: They even look like little pieces of shit. Torrey Smith: Zip. 2 targets, Zero catches, 0 points; Vincent Jackson: 13 yards. Why did the Pats not trade for this guy? We probably could’ve gotten him for a 7th rounder and a ham sandwich.
12. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 12)
Stale Popcorn Ball
There was this old guy who lived on Malbone who gave these out every year. I was convinced they were the same ones every year. You really think he was cooking up 3-4 dozen popcorn balls the night before Halloween? Especially since there was no way he gave them all out. Not after we all found out he was handing out the same old shit as the year before. I bet he just threw them in a box with all the Halloween decorations.
11. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 9)
Almond Joy and Mounds
Both these candy bars can get fucked. Seriously, take your coconut and get the fuck out of here. Fucking gross.
10. Tom Tupa (Last Week: 11)
The inferior lollypop. Sure they’re tasty, but they’re tiny! And there’s nothing inside. No gum. No tootsie rolls. Just 2 minutes and 30 seconds worth of “red” flavor. Kinda like Brendo’s current winning streak. It could go one more week, with an away game at Austin coming up. But stupid Justin’s team is coming to town the following week.
9. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)
“Fun Size” Starburst
Starbursts are pretty delicious. And they’re on the healthier end of the Halloween candy spectrum since they’re made from fruit. But the Fun Size version of them is the worst. You rip open that little two pack hoping to get some orange and yellow glory, but god help you if it turns up double red.
8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 8)
So many candy corn hot takes. I used to love it. I would eat it until I got sick. But now, my threshold for shoving candy corn into my gullet until my stomach hurts has decreased significantly. When I was a little kid, I could’ve eaten a whole 1-lb and been good to go. Now I have a handful and my eyes dilate like I’m some Japanese anime character and I pass out like Bubbles after shooting up heroin. I’ve also come to like the brown ones better than the traditional yellow ones. (I say brown, because that shit is not even close to chocolate. Let’s not pretend.) Now I get all disappointed when I have to eat the yellow ones and not the brown ones. Don’t even get me started on the pumpkins. THAT IS WAY TOO MUCH SUGAR FOR ONE PERSON TO CONSUME IN ONE BITE.
This is pretty fitting since my team makes me sick to my fucking stomach.
7. Retiringthisseason (Last Week: 5)
The only thing these things have going for them is that there’s like 35 of them in that little plastic sleeve. I don’t care if you like them, (honestly, I kinda like them) but besides the 3 days following Halloween, tell me when you’ve even eaten Smarties, never mind craved them. These candies only exist to be thrown into trick-or-treaters pillowcases and then bum out said trick-or-treaters when they realized what they got. I would love to be the CEO of SmartiesCorp. You work for a month. Your overhead is like nothing: you only need to purchase plastic wrap, a shit-ton of sugar and some industrial-sized, Smartie-making machine. Then it’s living like a BOWSS for the other 11 months of the year. You probably make like $6 billion a year. Corporate flights wherever you want to go (The plane is, of course, painted to look like a roll of Smarties). Houses all over the world. Blowjobs from your secretary. Sorry, sorry, that was rude. Personal assistant. Plus, all the Smarties you can eat! God I hate my job.
6. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 7)
The packing peanuts of Halloween. You love the guy who just holds a bowl out filled with candy and just tells you to take some. So you being the greedy little kid you are, grab a huge handful. Low and behold, 75% of what you grabbed was Toostie Rolls. Mmmmm this eraser tastes like chocolate.
5. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 3)
“Fun Size” Butterfinger
So much deliciousness. SOOOO much shit in your teeth. In this case, the deliciousness is Arian Foster and the shit in your teeth is the rest of Josh’s team.
4. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 10)
Kit Kats. Yeah, okay. They are… good.
3. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 4)
Twix is secretly the one of the best fucking candies out there. The only problem is, on Halloween, you only get the single mini one. The best part about Twix is you get TWO delicious cookie bars. I can’t describe the joy I feel after smashing one artfully-crafted cookie covered in caramel and chocolate into my face, only to find I get to do it again.
2.Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 2)
Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Oh hey, let’s just take two of the most delicious things on the planet and put them together into a perfectly crafted candy delivery device.
1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)
King Size Snickers
There’s no better candy than Snickers. The perfect blend of chocolate, whatever the fuck nougat is, peanuts and caramel. So delicious. I’d totally have sex with a Snickers right now. And throw on top that it’s a huge one. Nevermind that bullshit “Fun Size”. It’s not even regular size. That shit is King Size. The size a king would eat! Imagine your 10-year-old self getting this while trick or treating. You’d be planning the rest of you night around that candy bar. Do you eat right away when you get home? Do you save it for that perfect time? Do you bring it to lunch the next day to show it off to all your friends? Throw it down on the lunch table and smash it in half like that giant Snickers was Thor’s hammer? Man I wish I was a little kid again. That’s not true, I was the most awkward kid ever.
Be sure to set your lineups there’s like 17 teams on bye this week. Saints play the Panthers tonight.