What up from 30,000 feet.
I’m on a plane to San Francisco while I write this now with no internet so I don’t really know how well everyone’s team did last week, except I know I lost a turd sandwich of a matchup with Woody. Why don’t we go through the Sky Mall catalogue and then I’ll assign people’s teams to their shitty products when I land?
Before I do, know what’s a solid airplane movie? Edge of Tomorrow. The plot makes zero sense, but it was totally fun and wasted two hours. So is Transformers: Whatever the Fucking Fourth One is Called. Markie Mark killed it (“I think we found a Transfoahmah”). A guy in the movie says: “My face is my warrant.” And Jesus Christ, this girl is hot.
I think the lady next to me just farted. Speaking of farts…
Dog shit of the week
Phillip Rivers. I don’t actually know how bad his stats were but I know they were fucking awful. Too bad I can’t photoshop him and his stupid bolo tie under Ollie’s butt. So I looked this up when I got to the hotel and Holy Fuck! This was waaaaaay worse than fucking awful. Minus points for a quarterback? Wow.
Runner up: Something Moncrief (again I can’t look this up). I picked this dude up to replace one of my three receivers on bye. 0.2 points. Solid.
#PowerRankings
12. Snitches & Bitches (Last Week #12)
Graphic Quick Connect Retrofit. Hey you know those ugly vents in the bathroom of your apartment that have like sixteen years of dirty lint in them? Well now you can easily cover it with this… GOOD GOD! This tacky piece of shit is ugly! Why does it have an ugly camo or American flag pattern on it? Doesn’t that just draw attention to how ugly the vent is? Why isn’t it in black and silver? I’d rather have the terrible ass vent filled with dirt.
11. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week #11)
Winky Crossbody Bag. It’s blinks while you walk. It blinks! While you walk! So. Fucking. Creepy.
10. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week #9)
Torso Toner Body Shaper for Men. I feel like nick could use one of these. Too bad they don’t make gloves.
9. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week #8)
Bacon Throw. Look, I love bacon. But, this shit is ugly. Like, really fucking ugly.
8. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week #3)
Squire Tree Climber. What the fuck is this thing? Yeah, I totally want to nail a fake squirrel to a tree because there aren’t enough if those fuckers running around as it is. But look! It’s got cute climbing gear on it! Fuck this thing.
7. Tom Tupa (Last Week #10)
“Tex the Armadillo” Beverage Holder Statue. 1. This thing is ugly as shit. 2. Why would you ever stick your beer in a statue thing like this. It’s just going get warm. Oooo look at that Lone Star! It’s like a work of art.
6. Dickson your rear (Last Week #4)
Releaf Neck Nest. So much comfort. I can haz broken neck? What the fuck is up with this thing?
5. TheWilforkSextape (Last Week #6)
Suzy Kuzy Beer Mitt. Three weeks ago, I was talking about playing Edward 40 Hands because, since I live in the hood, everywhere I want to buy beer only sells 40s. I was talking with my friends and we started talking about the drawbacks, namely your hands warming up the beer (my NYC friends don’t quite have the drinking problem I do) and duct taping something to your hands, then ripping all that duct tape and the hair on your hands off. And we actually talked about making a glove that fits the forty and acts like a coozy. Problems solved. If only I had thought of this a couple years ago. Then made it out if a mitten. Then sold it to sky mall.
4. Beats By Ray (Last Week #5)
Tablift. Um after watching Transfowmahs this iPad is definitely eating this woman’s face.
3. Retiringthisseason (Last Week #7)
Mike Tyson Signed Punch Out Signed Photo. This is dope. I would totally rock this in my house. You gotta love that they put “signed” twice in the title. You know, just in case you didn’t think it’s really signed. No it is! I swear!
2. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week #2)
Fyxation Leather 6-pack Caddy. This is perfect for Timmy. No more DUI’s buddy. Just looking out for you.
1. Jameson B. C. Portis (Last Week #1)
Seabreecher Customized Boat. Do I even need to talk how FUCKING BOWSE this thing is? Didn’t think so.
Set your lineups because there’s football on tonight. And once I land I’ll let you know what it is… Cleveland vs. Cincinnati. Look at that.
James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League 