James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League

Leave a comment

2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!


Leave a comment

2017 Going-into-the-SZN PowerRanks

I woke up Tuesday morning after Labor Day and felt the familiar feeling of “well summer is over, back to school* and time for fall.” It was instantly depressing. It made me want to write a post where the gist was basically: “Fuck Fall”. But then I got home from work that day, and the weather was cool and wonderful. I opened all the windows and slept like a fucking rock that night. This got me thinking that maybe fall isn’t so bad. So let’s weigh the pros and cons of fall and try and decide whether fall is in fact good, or instead, is trash.

*I hate that we’re trained for 20 years that we get June, July and August off to just chill. After that though, real life is like, “No more of that. Now you just work everyday of your life!”

Pro: Football is back

Cons: There are none. What am I gonna say “there’s too much football?” Am I gonna start crying about how you can turn on the TV pretty much anytime during the week and see some hot gridiron action? FOH.

Pro: Soccer is back

Cons: I mean I can’t really think of any for this one, either. The only thing I can think of is, sometimes I turn on the TV first thing in the morning and sit down to watch the 7am game, then I don’t eat, shower or move until 2:30pm. Or other times, I’ll go to a bar for a 10am or 11am game, and then after that’s over, football starts, so then I stay at the bar for that. Next thing I know I’ve spent $175, drank 4 pitchers of beer, and eaten nothing but wings and fries for 13 hours. Still, not really a con.

Pro: The leaves are changing and are pretty.

Con: Raking leaves blows! I have a tiny little patio out back of my apartment. I’m sweeping that thing like every other day picking up leaves. It’s bullshit. Why are these fucking leaves falling one at a time?

On the other hand, leaf piles are fun:

Pro: Pumpkin flavored things are kinda delicious. I know what you’re thinking, I too have hated on pumpkin flavored things. But hear me out. I feel like the hate has gone too far. Pumpkin is delicious. Who doesn’t like pumpkin pie? Sociopaths, that’s who. Boom Boom makes a delicious banana bread, but we currently have no bananas. Know what we should do? Throw some pumpkin in that shit! I bet she’s reading this right now, and thinking “That does sound delicious!” and then I’ll get a text from her a couple minutes later saying “Good post babe! Great idea about the pumpkin bread, we should totally do that.” And then I’ll reply: “I know, right?!” “Let’s touch butts.”

Con: The hate has not gone far enough. I think the real issue is that Pumpkin SZN starts in August. I saw Halloween decorations in CVS two weeks ago. It wasn’t even September. And Pumpkin SZN is doing the same thing. If it started in mid-September and went until Thanksgiving, I think we’d all be fine with it. Right now, no one wants to drink a pumpkin beer when it’s 80 degrees outside. Then by the time you’re actually ready for a pumpkin beer in November, they’re all gone. I blame the white chicks. They simply won’t be denied their Pumpkin Mocha Frappaccinos, so BIG COFFEE gives it to them earlier and earlier every year, and the basic betches keep on drinking it. But treat yourself gurl! You just did a $75 spin class. You deserve what’s basically a slice of pumpkin pie with a scoop of coffee ice cream thrown into a blender.

Pro: The weather is amazing. It’s sunny and warm during the day, and cool and comfortable at night. There’s nothing like sleeping with the window open during the fall. You could be parking an aircraft carrier in my front yard, but as long as that fall breeze is blowing, I’ll be sleeping like a baby.

Con: The weather actually sucks. It’s simultaneously hot and cold at the same time. It could be 80 degrees in the sun and 60 in the shade. How is that possible? And obviously, the solution to that is LAYERS. What am I wearing fucking breakaway pants to work? Lemme just pack this suitcase filled with sweatshirts and sweaters but also shorts and t-shirts for my trip all the way out to dinner.

Pro: Kids go back to school.** I can only imagine, but it seems like it’d be pretty dope.Free childcare! Suddenly daddy has the house to himself. Pants optional.

Con: Maybe it’s sad the first day you drop them off. Suck it up and have a beer.

**Unless of course, you’re a teacher. If you’re a teacher, Labor Day is the worst day of the year. You find yourself sitting on that last beautiful beach day of the year, staring into the ocean, thinking “What if I walked into the water right now and just kept walking? Do you think anyone would miss Mr. Warburton?”

Pro: Holidays. There are way more holidays in fall than any other season. Fact. I didn’t even have to look it up. You got Labor Day, Columbus Day, Halloween, Veterans Day and Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving alone would be enough to carry this season over the others, but that’s four long weekends in three months. Spring aint’ got shit on that.

Con: The only downside is some jobs are a little wonky about these holidays. Making plans on Columbus Day weekend is impossible. Some people get it off, some don’t, some can work from home. My job doesn’t give me Veterans Day off. Technically it’s a floating holiday, but it means I have to choose between that and holidays earlier in the year, which I inevitably take off because they’re earlier in the year and fuck thinking about the future, get me out of this place, and put beer in me. How do I not get this day off? The bank isn’t even open. How can I be expected to work on a day you can’t even deposit my paycheck? I guess my job just hates the troops.

Con: It starts getting dark earlier and earlier, sapping your will to live.

Pro: Who needs to go outside when there’s football!

Dogshit of the Week

NO ONE! Football starts tonight. No one can do any wrong. Let’s save the women beating, racial inequality, threat of world war, annoying neighbors, and fantasy kickers until the season starts. Until then, there’s nothing to shit on. Life is great! Football is back!

Preseason/Heading into the 2017 Season PowerRanks

Anybody else notice how all the older guys in the league got C’s and all the younger guys got B’s. What kind of ageist bullshit is that?! Millennials are ruining fantasy football. Are we gonna have avocado toast at the draft next year?! Oh well, on with the #PowerRanks:

12. FuseLitHugeDick

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With the sixth pick in the draft, FuseLitHugeDick selects: Tim Tebow.

Best Pick of the Draft: DeMarco Murray at 19 is pretty nice.

Worst Pick of the Draft: I could say when Timmy looked at me in the driveway and said “Fuck FantasyPros. They’re the whole reason I took Tyler Lockett last year. I’m never listening to them again.” Then this year, proceeded to take Golden Tate 35 picks higher than his ADP.

But no, Timmy’s worst pick was definitely choosing to say something incredibly raunchy as hell, something along the lines of “I’d definitely fuck a 15-year-old,” just as Pa Woody was coming up the stairs to check in on everybody.

11. Dessert First

Yahoo Grade: C-

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Congratulations, Dessert First has earned a participation award.” This was the first line of his recap. Jesus.

Best Pick of the Draft: Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Garoppolo. Woody literally drafted a handcuff for his QB. I’ve never even heard of that. I can’t even say this is a bad pick. Woody ate the whole wheel of cheese.

10. Satin & Lace Eddie

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, Satin & Lace Eddie Hopefully Isn’t Playing for Money.” Bummer, I think by Woody’s math, he is playing for money.

Best Pick of the Draft: Raleigh Raps. Let’s look back at a video of RhysNice while Buckets was rapping:

Worst Pick of the Draft: Aww man Buckets couldn’t help himself to all those Dolphins again. He grabbed DeVante Parker 3 rounds too early. Maybe he just wanted a WR corps made up of Devontes.

9. PowerFranks Gore

Yahoo Grade: C+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Despite a Powerful Set of RBs, PowerFranks Gore Should Probably Stop Reading This Draft Recap Now” Yikes. I didn’t leave the draft super ecstatic about my team, but I didn’t think it was that bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: No Rhys Farts

Worst Pick of the Draft: Spencer Ware. This would’ve been an amazing pick value pick 2 days earlier. Dude was projected to be a top-20 RB, had an ADP of 47, and I got him at 76. But as soon as I stuck the sticker to the draft board, I heard someone say, “He’s out for the season right?” and not in that joking, gotcha around way. We went down for Pizza Break right after that, and I was never the same the rest of the night. And it had nothing to do with the 7 slices of Domino’s pizza.

8. Patsfaninthecloset

Yahoo Grade: C

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “Brett Favre is Just a Phone Call Away. Patsfaninthecloset grabbed a couple of QBs (Marcus Mariota and Eli Manning) that’ll both be on bye in Week 8, and will be looking for a signal-caller. You can try to call Brett, but texting him isn’t exactly encouraged.” I love the commitment to this joke. Some fantasy writer at Yahoo thought this was comedy gold.

Best Pick of the Draft: The Three Headed Monster. Only Micho would go out and BUY a tap for the keg at a fantasy draft, then get one with three taps AND a foot pedal. The foot pedal was clutch, once I actually figured out how to get my hoedown foot going.

Worst Pick of the Draft: 2 Defenses again Micho?! At least you didn’t pick 2 kickers again, but still. Come on!

7. BigBrendoBrand

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “BigBrendoBrand should use Week 8 to think about anything other than fantasy football, like, based on principal, should vegetarians be allowed to eat animal crackers?” There are a couple versions of this one, and they’re all pretty good: “…why don’t the pants worn by Dr. Bruce Banner rip when he transforms into the Hulk?” or my favorite, “….why do we park in a driveway but drive on a parkway?” Also, the “Schedule” part of the Yahoo recaps usually said, “Well on Week 8, there team is screwed.” Yeah, no shit! There are 6 teams on bye Weeks 8 & 9. And four each during Weeks 5, 6, 10, & 11. Odds are there’s gonna be a week that your team is screwed.

Best Pick of the Draft: The keg. I mean, I don’t think anyone came close to their allotted 19 beers, but it still made me feel like a Big Brendo Baller.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Pierre Garcon. I actually like this pick, but grabbing him at 74 when his ADP was 97 was a bit of a reach.

6. #Brady40MainiHorny

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “#Brady40MainiHorny may have to rely on a Ouija board each week.” I don’t even really know what this means, or even if it’s good or bad.

Best Pick of the Draft: Reshad Jones. This was the last pick of the draft. This is a great pick. He was hurt last year, but he scored 170 points the year before!

Worst Pick of the Draft: No custom shirt. I found the oversized throwback Hawks jersey entertaining, but not as entertaining as taking off your shirt to reveal wearing a tank top with your face on Tom Brady’s body.

5. Tiger’s Wood

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Maybe You Should Add Tony Gonzalez While You’re At It. Tiger’s Wood must have missed the point of drafting a back-up. In Week 11, both Greg Olsen and Jack Doyle will be on bye.” OH SHIT! That’s some shade right there, Yahoo. You got ’em good! JD drafted two QBs with the same bye week too, by the way.

Best Pick of the Draft: Isaiah Crowell. JD grabbed a projected top-15 RB 14 picks after his ADP. That was the first of, like, 4 guys he scooped from me (I was also eyeing Crowder and Maclin before he scooped them). I swear JD and I had the same cheatsheet. Except somehow, he gets a B and I get a C+

Worst Pick of the Draft: I don’t even know. Yahoo says he built “a squad with minimal risk, grabbing 11 “low-risk” players out of 19 picks” Ugh. Typical JD. Never taking any risks in life. Boring old JD…. Dammit. This would’ve been so much more fun if JD hadn’t actually won a championship.

4. Spoiler Alert

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap: “With Some Early Gambles, Spoiler Alert is of the Average Variety.” ‘Average Variety’ is some Mariah Carey/RuPaul’s Drag Race-level shade.

Best Pick of the Draft: Steak Tips. And taking Brown and Gronk with his first and second picks.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Coming like an hour late to the draft. Both Buckets and Vegas were late for the draft. Buckets a least has two children as an excuse.

3. Beat Micho-gan

Yahoo Grade: B

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:With an average of 7.9 years of NFL experience, Beat Micho-gan has the greatest chance of losing a player to osteoporosis.” It’s crazy that their algorithm includes something that looks for old players, and then someone wrote this. Do you think there’s one about young players/rookies?

Best Pick of the Draft: Chocolate Trifle Pudding. I spent the week before shit-talking dessert and JeffWho blew the fucking roof off the top floor with that trifle. It was de-goddamn-licious.

I also liked the Landon Collins pick in the 11th round a lot.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Olivier Vernon. It’s a last round flier but this is some Giant fandom bullshit through and through. Also JeffWho took Matt Bryant in the 14th round.

2. Halftime in Cinci

Yahoo Grade: A-

Best Line from Yahoo Draft Recap: “These players will be heavily relied upon by Halftime in Cinci, as they are the best group of WRs in the league.” When PWood took Allen Robinson in the 4th Round, we were all like, “Well he’s stacked at WR, but what’s he gonna go with the rest of his team?” I guess he’ll do just fine. Or at least according to Yahoo. I’m not sure Mark Ingram, Paul Perkins, and Eddie Lacy are the best starting RBs though.

Best Pick of the Draft: Jimmy Graham. Even though he still only had WRs at this point and no RBs, grabbing Graham at 56 was pretty good value.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Eddie Lacy. He’s fat.

1. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Yahoo Grade: B+

Best Line from Yahoo’s Draft Recap:Grabbing C.J. Mosley at pick 168 was, let’s say, conceptually adventurous.” I’m not sure if Yahoo’s automated draft reacapping shade thrower has figured that IDPs are a thing. Jesus, imagine if you played in an IDP league, I bet everybody gets F’s. “Taking JJ Watt 1st overall would’ve been a good pick, if you were dropped on your head.”

Best Pick of the Draft: Drew Brees. It was a bit early (9 picks before ADP) but it’s worth it. The guy slings the goddamn football. 673 times last year! Only Joe Flacco threw the ball that much last year.

Worst Pick of the Draft: Justin Tucker. You don’t take a kicker in the 13th round. Toppa Champs don’t take kickers 5 rounds too early. Champions don’t even take kickers during the draft.

I’ve never been more excited than to type this. Set your lineups fellas. Football is back! Football is BACK!! FOOTBALL IS BACK!!! FOOOTTBAVLLLA IS BAVCAIUSNFKJASFH:AIHO!!! The World Champion New England Patriots (-8.5) take on the Chiefs tonight in Foxborough. No ColorRush needed! All the Color is Rushing to my penis!

Opening Night! Football! TOPPA!

Leave a comment

Week 6 Power Rankings

Well, it’s fall in New York. You wouldn’t know it, because it’s still like 75 fucking degrees. But I can tell, because all the leaves are dying and everything tastes like pumpkin. Nothing says fall like death and pumpkins. Seriously, if Steve Harvey surveyed 100 people what their first thought was when some when said “Fall”, the top two answers would be “Leaves Changing Color” and “Pumpkins.” But you know the fucking Miller family would try and steal with some bullshit answer like “Daylight Savings.” Stupid, fucking Miller family. Big Red X for you! I keep waiting for the leaves to start changing here in New York, but like I said before its still fucking hot. It’s probably just going to pour one day in November and all the leaves will fall off and we’ll move straight into winter. Just like we basically moved from winter straight into summer this year. Spring was like 4 days in April. Thanks global warming!

I can’t decide if I hate the fact that everything tastes like pumpkin in the fall. On the one hand, I enjoy pumpkin. Pumpkin pie is delicious. Who doesn’t love pumpkin pie? If you don’t, YOU GET THE FUCK OUT! It’s delicious and its made from pumpkin, which I’m pretty sure is a vegetable, so that shit is good for you too. I enjoy pumpkin beers too. Ironically though, I do not like my beers to taste like pumpkin pie. Wait, that’s a lie. Southern Tier Pumking is fucking incredible and tastes just like pumpkin pie. Maybe I just don’t like shitty pumpkin beers? Yeah, that’s probably it. You can’t just throw some pumpkin into a shitty beer and make it suddenly good.

But what I don’t like is having pumpkin shoved down my throat. Metaphorically. Though, it probably would be pretty horrible to have a pumpkin physically shoved down your throat. I don’t like being told that “IT’S PUMPKIN SEASON” and that everything I eat and drink should be made of pumpkins. I want Raekwon at Dunkin Donuts to subtly say to me, “Hey, just in case you didn’t know, we have some pumpkin stuff over here. But, if you don’t want it, it’s all good man.” Instead, they have so much pumpkin shit at Dunkin Donuts, they could open a small little section specifically dedicated to pumpkin products. I shouldn’t see Sam Adams Harvest Pumpkin Ale in my grocery store in AUGUST. I shouldn’t see pumpkin flavored yogurt (Gross!), M&Ms (Why?), peanut butter (WHY? What does that even taste like?!), Kahlua (WHY!?! Who doesn’t like the taste of Kahlua so much that they feel the need to change it?), condoms (Apparently this one is a joke, but everyone believed it for a hot second. And you know the people a Durex are already working on a recipe for next fall.). I can’t take all this pumpkin. Like my kids would say when I was a teacher and I gave them like 20 questions for homework, “Mister, that’s TOO MUCH!”

Dog Shit of the Week


All of Brendo’s Team, besides Tom Brady. If you don’t include Tommy, Brendo’s DEF or Kicker, Brendo’s team didn’t even score 40 points. That’s 9 players, if you’re counting at home. Good thing you traded LeSean McCoy (22.4 points) for DeAndre Hopkins and Five Dollar Frank Gore (5 combined points). Did Yahoo grade that trade an A+ just like they did my draft?

Runners Up: Kendall Wright. 1 catch for 6 yards. This guy sucks. I was pretty pissed to see him go off the week after I dropped him. It’s nice to know things are back to normal. Woody, don’t believe Yahoo when they tell you “He didn’t do to well last week, but he’s got a great match up this week.” They say it every week. And he always sucks. Lies. It’s all lies; Lord Helmet, aka Wes Welker. 1 catch for 8 yards; Corderelle Patterson. Again.

12. SpanishAnnounceTable (Last Week: 12)

Brendo lost to Nick this week in the Loser Bowl. Stuper Bowl? Pooper Bowl! I think that might be the best I’m gonna do. It’s okay Brendo, you have the number one waiver wire claim. This week you can… do absolutely nothing with it! Do we even have waivers?

11. #GronkScoreGronkGore (Last Week: 11)

Holy shit! Have you seen that Nick’s Team has more 1000 points against?!? That’s some bad luck! That’s like standing under a ladder, looking at yourself in a broken mirror holding a black cat, while taking a shit on a four leaf clover. Or something.

10. Dickson your rear (Last Week: 9)

Fuck you and your 4th place. Justin’s team has scored exactly 1 more point than Nick’s. So, he gets to be exactly one spot ahead of him in the power rankings.

9. Bell&BlountCarpool (Last Week: 8)

That trade is not looking so good now, is it? You should never panic trade away your best player. See: McCoy, LeSean. Now you’re stuck with Russell Wilson instead of Aaron Rodgers. Sure he had 45 points last week, but he’s gonna have a lot more weeks like this (11 points), than weeks like that.

Sooo… who wants Peyton Manning?

8. Achilles Me Smalls (Last Week: 7)

Reason #27 Why I hate Fantasy Football: I scored 144 points this week and still managed to get Biggest Blownouted.

Reason #8: Not that you care, but in my other fantasy league I scored the second most points of the week, but still lost because I played, you guessed it, the top scorer of the week. In that league, I have more points than the girl (GIRL!) in first place, but she’s 5-1 (GIRL!) and I’m 0-6.

7. TheWilforkSexTape (Last Week: 5)

So, when does Fantasy Basketball start? This is the worst collection of RBs I’ve ever seen. Matt Asiata is in over his head. Trent Richardson we’ve discussed. Donald Brown is hurt. Jerrick McKinnon had one good game (and won’t have another one against Buffalo) and Chris Ivory isn’t bad, but he’s on the Jets.

And stop it with Josh Gordon. He’s not gonna play this year.

Did you know Rhys can also be a girl’s name?  Just saying.

6. Switches & Bitches (Last Week: 10)

Austin beat Micho in the Por-Da-Gee Bowl. Chourico N’ Peppers Bowl? Malasada Bowl? Now I’m just hungry. God there was probably so much angry muttering between these two. I’m sorry I missed it.

5. Munchen on Bundchen (Last Week: 2)

Oh! Portuguese War O Man! Get it?

Maybe layoff the sauce there buddy. No more drinks for you. Two terrible losses in a row. Falling out of second place. Get it together man.

It’s a shame too, because you probably could use a drink this week.





Whew, that was a tough one.



4. EasleyChungLikeBrady (Last Week: 6)

PWood’s really had some bad luck. He’s had the third most points scored on him, only behind Austin and Nick. And really, those guys deserve it.

Watch out though. His next three are: at Brendo, then home for Austin and Justin. 6-3 could be right around the corner.

3. Beats By Ray (Last Week: 4)

This beating was pretty bad. Josh basically beat the shit out of me then threw me onto a pile of guns. God bless the NFL and their ridiculous, unending list of domestic violence cases. I feel like I’m never going to run out of fun way to say “(Blank) beat the shit out of me this week.” It’s one of the few things keeping me going.

Reason #14 Why I hate Fantasy Football: That one stud who’s having a terrible season and barely putting up any points week in and week out decides to be his old self and goes off for 20 points the week that I happen to be playing him. This counts for Arian Foster too. And fucking Cam Newton. Josh’s team is suddenly very good.

2. Dibs on Mcfadden (Last Week: 3)

Timmy is playing to the level of his competition. He’s gone out and beat the two best team in the league (Raleigh and Josh). But he’s also lost to me in embarrassing fashion and to Austin, which is just embarrassing.

I just realized that Timmy beat Raleigh even though Percy Harvin and CJ Spiller both scored negative points! And his LB broke his kneecap in the middle of the game. I had Timmy ranked third because Josh beat the shit out of me this week, but this is basically Timmy’s team this week…


1. Jameson B.C. Portis (Last Week: 1)

I was really tempted to knock Raleigh out of first place after losing two weeks in a row. But his team has scored the most points in the league and has like 70 more points than the next highest scorer (PWood). To put that in perspective, that’s the difference between the second highest and sixth highest scores. Oh and that would be me. Reason #34.

Set your lineups and make an eliminator pick. THE PATS PLAY TONIGHT! Fuck the Jets! Fuck them right in their collective pussy.