James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 11

One of the things that our Cheeto dusted Scrotum in Chief campaigned on was the “War on Christmas” and that, if he became President, we were going to get to say “Merry Christmas” to each other as much as we wanted. Who the fuck was lamenting this?!?! You know what I see outside right now on November 21st, 3 days before Thanksgiving? Christmas lights! You know what I’ve seen for 3 weeks in a row while watching football? Car commercials where the car has a big fucking bow on them. Radio stations have started playing Christmas music, 24/7. Since November 1st! You know what I don’t see? Turkeys! Where are my turkey lights in the strung with care? Where are the big giant inflatable turkeys in people’s front lawns? I’m pretty sure the War on Christmas is over. And everyone lost. Christmas is doing just fine, thanks. The War on Thanksgiving, however? We’re in a stuffing-filled foxhole in the greatest battle of our lives.

First of all, I’m not fucking offended when people say “Happy Holidays”. I just think maybe they want me to have a happy New Year’s, as well. That’s very kind of them. What I am upset about, though, is if someone at the office tells me to “Have a great holiday” as I leave on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving. You can say, “Happy Thanksgiving” You’re allowed. Everyone celebrates Thanksgiving. There is no offense. If you say “have a great holiday,” that’s letting Christmas win. That’s letting it sink its claws even deeper into November. Wish your neighbor a Happy Thanksgiving, they’ll appreciate it.

There’s no “Thanksgiving Season.” The other day I was looking for Thanksgiving socks on the internet. I like fun socks because it’s a nice way to add a little bit of flair to your outfit without being too in your face about it. It’s like when I woman sees me on the train, she’ll think “Look at this fucking loser… wait are those dinosaurs on his socks?” Yes they are. Also, sup? So, I did some digging on the internet for Thanksgiving socks, and the pickings were very slim. It’s easier to find lizards socks than socks with a goddamn turkey on them.

But you know what I’d have no problem finding, if I were looking? Stupid ugly fucking Christmas sweaters. I typed “UG” into google and “Ugly Sweaters” was the second result.

Also, where are all the Thanksgiving movies? I mean, Jesus, this list has Home Alone #1 as the Best Thanksgiving movie. How is the best Thanksgiving movie a Christmas movie?!? ABC Family (now called Freeform, because… sure.) runs a 13 days straight of Halloween movies and another 25 days of Christmas movies. But during November, they’re back to reruns of The 700 Club. Come on! Thanksgiving is ripe with ideas for movies. Friends coming back to their hometown. Family getting together. These are actually things that (1) Everyone can relate to and (2) Are general enough that you could tell any story, but structured enough that you can tell it in 2 hours. Look at these ideas I came up with just now on the toilet:

  • Two moms battle over the last turkey in town
  • Friends come back from college on the night before Thanksgiving and decide to have the “Most Epic Party Ever”
  • High School friends, now in their 50s with full families, come home and spend Thanksgiving together
  • One of those Love Actually-type movies with 34 characters all trying to fall in love on Thanksgiving
  • I don’t know, just a big ass family has Thanksgiving together
  • Transformers: Thanksgiving

Look, these movies may not be that great, but your telling me their not at least as good as Fred Claus? Every single one of these movies would get into peak rotation on TBS during November. This is an untapped goldmine!

And you know what I blame? Black Friday. Fucking Black Friday. Nothing good has ever come from a mall. What kind of person leaves a wonderful Thanksgiving dinner and goes to wait in line at Walmart? Terrorists, that’s who. Maybe we should stop screening Muslims at the airport and start screening the fatties in line at Walmart. You know what you get once you get inside after they’ve opened the doors at 4:30am? TVs? Nope. You get anxiety. You get the fear that you will be yelled at, punched and run over by a 40-year old mother of three. There is literally nothing that could be inside of that Walmart that makes it worth it to wait in line and then fight to get inside. They could be giving away free TVs that give you blowjob and dispenses $20 bills and I’d still take one look at that line and be like, nah.

Really, Thanksgiving is what the perfect American holiday should be. We all work too hard, and don’t get enough time off. We don’t spend as much time with our families and friends as we should. And food is one of the few things that can easily and simply bring you comfort, just by being good. There’s no religious affiliation to Thanksgiving. There are no prerequisites. It’s just, open a bottle of wine and cook a turkey. Or a lasagna. Or chourico and peppers. Or enchiladas. Who cares? It all works. I will not let Christmas try and erase Thanksgiving, because Thanksgiving is the greatest holiday ever.

During the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday, Jim Nantz informed me that the NFL has extended their deal with Mexico to have 3 games there every year for the next couple years. I wondered if the Mexico game would replace the London game, if the London contract was set to expire or something, so they’re moving to Mexico instead. But nope! They’re actually adding another London game next year, so they’re gonna have FIVE London games next year. So next year, we’re going to have 8 games not played in the U.S. Look, I love waking up and watching football first thing in the morning. But we’re dangerously close to playing Monday Night Football in China every week. How about we try and fix the fact that Baltimore is probably going to make the playoffs at 7-9 before we start dreaming about a Super Bowl between Mexico City and London at Antarctica Stadium?

Dog Shit of the Week

Jack Del Rio. 10 minutes into the Los Patriotas y Los Incursores game on Sunday Tracy Wolfson reported on how the two teams planned on dealing with the fact that Mexico City is 7300 feet above sea level. Bill Belichick had Los Patriotas practice in Colorado Springs all week, so they could acclimate to the altitude. Del Rio decided to fly into Mexico City on Saturday, the day before game day. As Tracy was talking, the Pats were going no huddle, and Brady was carving up the Raiders defense for 14 yards a pop. I’m sure you know that the Patriots ended up winning 33-8 in a game that was never close. The Raiders dropped a few crucial would-be-catches, probably because their receivers were too tired due to the lack of oxygen. Brandin Cooks had two 50+ yard catches, because he blew by coverage as they were sucking wind. The only times the Raiders looked threatening was when they handed the ball to Marshawn Lynch. He was running for 8 or 9 yards a carry and took 3 or 4 guys to tackle him, but as soon as someone brought him down, he’d immediately sub himself off the field because he was gassed. So all in all, a good call by Jack Del Rio.

Week 11 #PowerRankings

We had a big week this week with 3 more teams clinching playoff spots. The odds are pretty high for two teams to get the final two spots, but no one is mathematically eliminated just yet. Since Thanksgiving is my (let’s face it, our) favorite holiday, I’ve PowerRanked a few Thanksgiving traditions along with each team.

12. Beat Micho-gan (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

Career Advice. Oh, thank you so much for your advice. I’ll be sure to follow the advice of someone who last applied for a job by typing their resume on a motherfucking typewriter. Can I please have some real estate advice too?

All is right with the league. JeffWho’s team, which has been the worst team in the league for some time now, is now in last place where it belongs.

11. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Explaining what I do and where I live. I only see the majority of the people that I have Thanksgiving with once a year, so every conversation with someone has to start with the 10 minute catch up. I hate the 10 minute catch up. I’d rather do an SAT test than do the 10 minute catch up.

With a chance to clinch the playoffs on the line, Timmy went out and put up a measly 85.75 points. It was a real all around effort, as his three starting WRs, two starting RBs and TE all combined to score a total of under 20 points. Somehow, however, he managed to clinch a playoff berth, thanks to some help from Woody and JeffWho both losing.

10. BigBrendoBrand (85.67% chance of making playoffs)

The Drive Home. Thank god I don’t have to go to the airport, but just the thought of driving through the state of Connecticut on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving makes me want to strangle a kitten. I’ve left Monday night, Tuesday night, Wednesday early morning, Wednesday afternoon, late Wednesday night and managed to hit epic traffic each time (which I have now jinxed myself into another round of for this year). The only saving grace Q104.3 counts down the top 1043 classic rock songs of all time. These songs have been around for like 40 years, but somehow the rankings manage to change every year.

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Finding Foerster

Brendo too had a chance to clinch this week. He got the help he needed from JeffWho and Woody, both of whom lost, but Brendo couldn’t pull off the upset against me this week.

9. Dessert First (9.79% chance of making playoffs)

Football. I’m gonna be a little blasphemous here, especially on a blog about fantasy football, but I don’t really care about football that much on Thanksgiving. There’s too much going on for me to pay attention. Besides, if I sat down to watch one of the games, I know as soon as I started to get into it, someone would ask me to do something. I’d rather just watch the food get made while drinking a beer. It’s honestly more exciting. Pro Tip: Keep the person (or persons) who is cooking’s glass full at all times. They’re nice enough to cook all day, may as well keep them in a good mood. So make sure your mom, wife, dad, (or even yourself!) gets a good shine on while they load that turkey in the oven.

This is Woody’s 5th loss in a row. He put in a good effort, getting 77.85 points combined from Tom Brady and Brandin Cooks. 12 was not Woody’s favorite number this week, as he came up 12 points short to Vegas, losing 142.55 to 158.55. Woody has the best chance of making the playoffs of the teams outside of the top-8, but it’s a less than 10% chance. The one thing he can hang his hat on is, the combined record of teams he has left to play (Micho and Brendo) is 8-14, and the two guys who are in the best position to get the final two spots (JBiggs and Brendo) have really tough matchups this week. (Brendo goes up against Buckets and JBiggs is playing Vegas.)

8. Patsfaninthecloset (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

The Pie Run. Now that I’m currently looking down the barrel of 5 mile run, I’m not terribly excited for this tradition. Year after year, I like the IDEA of the Pie Run tradition more than the doing the actual Pie Run. The IDEA of burning a whole bunch of calories first thing in the morning and giving you an excuse to eat and drink whatever you want, guilt-free, might be my favorite idea ever. Third piece plate of pie? Don’t mind if I do, I ran today. But the older I get, I feel like I’m more and more okay with not waking up at 6 am to run 5 miles in 40 degree weather, and still just eat and drink whatever I want. Like, who are you to judge me? I’m giving THANKS over here.

Micho showing that he’s not just gonna pack it in and give up on the season. He’s averaged 149 points in his last two matchups. He picked up his third win of the year this week, which means he no longer has to worry about having the lowest win total in Toppa history.

7. Halftime in Cinci (4.79% chance of making playoffs)

RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: Now your kid probably doesn’t eat that much food, so the tendency would be to not put that much food on their plate. Here’s a tip: Load up their plate. There’s no way they’re gonna eat it all, so boom! You’ve got yourself a second helping already at the table.

PWood also showed he will not go off quietly into the night. If this season is gonna be one long string of bad luck, at least you may as well pick up a Highscore of the Week check if you can.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch (90.15% chance of making playoffs)

The DeSantis trade. Sadly, I don’t think there was one last year, but most other years JD and JBiggs pull of a trade right before the trade deadline. It’s like they get too tired of third DeSantis brother Jake’s “great” business ideas, so they start talking Toppa at the other end of the table. May I suggest Russell Shephard for Dede Westbrook? I don’t know who either of those guys are so, why not?

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Spoiler Alert

After losing two in a row, JBiggs got a much needed victory which pulls him right back into the playoff hunt. He’s got a really good chance of making the playoffs and would get in with a win this week. That’s no easy task as he takes on Vegas.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Butt Fumble. This year is the 5th anniversary of the Butt Fumble. Every year at Thanksgiving, I’m already fired up to spend 4 days straight eating, drinking and not working, but then I get to read something like this oral history of the Butt Fumble and I go, “Oh shit! The Butt Fumble! That was awesome.” And it puts a little extra spring in my step.

And just like that #MainiMagic is over. The #Magic wasn’t enough to overcome -0.75 points from Dak Prescott. #Nick is now in third place, but is tied for the best record. His final games are against JeffWho’s terrible team, and me, so he still has a shot at the #1 seed.

4. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

When my mom or dad falls asleep after dinner. There’s nothing wrong with the post-Thanksgiving dinner nap, it’s just my parents are not at our house when it happens. When something wakes them up (9 times out of 10, it’s spilling their wine on themselves because they’ve fallen asleep with it in their hand) they try to pull it off like they weren’t sleeping. Just own it, man.

Also, there will be someone at your Thanksgiving that once dinner is done, and someone yawns, they will try to claim tryptophan is the reason that people feel sleepy after Thanksgiving dinner. No, motherfucker. It’s eating 1800 calories in one sitting and drinking a bottle and a half of wine. Look there may be some chemical in turkey that makes you 4% sleepier when you consume it, but I’m pretty sure I’m feeling tired because my heart is slowing to a stop.

All good things eventually come to an end. Buckets win streak ends at 6. The last time Buckets lost was the last time the Patriots lost. Buckets has a really good shot at the #1 seed. He finishes up the season against Brendo and PWood.

3. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

The Toast. No, idiot, I’m not talking about bread, because clearly you should be having Pillsbury crescent rolls. I’m talking about when everyone’s plates are full of food and you can’t wait to just dig in, but someone stands up and brings you back to the real world and says a few kind words about why you should be thankful. It’s a nice little moment, and then you get to stuff your piggy face.

3 wins in a row, each with 150+ points. I think I’m right where I want to be. Everyone’s talking about #MainiMagic and the Buckets win streak, or how Vegas and JD have the top scoring teams in the league. No one’s talking about RhysNice. That’s the way I like it.

2. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Taking a walk. I’m getting old, man. I used to look at all the people going for a walk and be like, “Psshhh, who needs to go for a walk, when I’ve got my two best friends sitting right next to me, pie and bourbon?” But now I’ve learned the ways of the walk. The light exercise combined with the brisk fall air gets those digestive juices going. It’s an excellent way to free up some extra space. Pre-walk stomach = painfully uncomfortable. Post-walk stomach = you know what, things are gonna be okay. Also, you know who’s waiting for you when you get back from that walk. That’s right, Pie and bourbon.

Vegas finally got revenge after 3 years of Mary sleeping in his room, by beating Woody and all-but destroying his playoff hopes.

1. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Pie and Bourbon. I love bourbon. And I love pie! I do not get enough of either in my daily life. Both are so extravagant. And both are so delicious. I should make my New Year’s resolution to be “consume more pie and bourbon” and then instantly become 30 pounds heavier.

Watch out. With this week’s win, JD is now number one in the standings. He is now only 9 points off of the highest total points score. He’s won five in a row and is averaging 163 points in those matchups. JD is looking like a real threat to become the first ever back-to-back Toppa League Champion.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

5-6 CheesyGorditaCrunch travels to Vegas to take on 7-4 Spoiler Alert. If JBiggs pulls off the upset, he clinches a playoff berth. Same goes for 8th place BigBrendoBrand, as they take on 2nd place Finding Foerster.

Set your lineups, there are 3 games on Thanksgiving. Minnesota (-3) is at Detroit for pre-dinner snacks and drinks. The L.A. Chargers (+1) are at Dallas during dinner. And the Giants are at Washington (-7.5) for pie and bourbon. [Chris Berman voice] And let me be the first to wish you and yours a happy Thanksgiving.

Have a safe and very happy thanksgiving everyone!

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2017 Power Rankings – Week 4

I’m currently studying for a certification exam. It’s one of those things that if I just suck it up, study and pass the stupid thing, I’ll end up making more money in the long run. But I’ve learned, or actually, remembered, that studying sucks! Becoming an adult is so much more wack than being a child, but at least I didn’t have to do school anymore. This is bullshit.

School is dumb. Look at this shit:

Do you have any idea what this gobbledygook means? Because I sure don’t. And why am I spending my time learning that a “Resource List is a list of the resources”? No shit? Better make me up a flash card right now!

Also, I have to take notes! This is a thing which I clearly have fallen out of practice. It hurts my hand so bad! I haven’t actually physically written anything longer than grocery list in like 10 years. And forget about writing quickly. I have lost this skill as well. All of my notes end up looking like the word “Pmmmmmmty.” I don’t know what that means. Do you?

Spending all of your free time studying is the worst. I liked my old schedule. I used to spend my commute enjoying podcasts. Me and the Pardon My Take boys getting into mischief, or for some reason, still listening to Bill Simmons guess the lines. Or maybe I’d take in some pop culture with The Watch or Pop Culture Happy Hour, or I’d get some fantasy advice from Fantasy Pros or the 06010. If was feeling particularly brave, I’d get political updates from Pod Save America. And if I was feeling homesick, I’d listen to how Buddy Cianci became mayor on Crime Town. Now? Now I listen to “Interpersonal Skills 1-6” and “Enterprise Environmental Factors”. Ugggghhhh, shoot me in the face. Everyday. 3-4 times a day. Shoot me in the face.

(By the way, I think nothing makes me whiter than complaining about not being able to listen to podcasts.)

I use to have so much free time! I used to worry that there were too many good TV shows that I wanted to watch and not enough time to watch them in. Now, I either don’t have free time because I’m learning about Organizational Charts, or if I’m doing something else, like, say, taking a shit, I worry that I should be spending that time studying. My life has become waking up, doing some studying in the morning, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, studying some more and then stopping, looking around and saying “I guess, I better go to bed.” AND THEN DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

And the worst part? I’ve only been doing this for like a week. I have like 3 months of this shit and I already can’t take it. I’m so screwed.

This week’s level: Does all this bullshit match my pink shirt?

Well, it’s breast cancer awareness month again and that means we can treat ourselves to the NFL bombarding us with pink towels, pink gloves, pink cleats, pink goal post protectors, pink hats on the sidelines, and pink ribbons worn by coaches, owners and broadcasters, right? [*Watches 14 hours of football and sees a total of 4 pink mouthpieces.*] Wait, what? Apparently, the NFL has moved on from its Pinktober campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer. That didn’t last long, did it? I can’t say I’m surprised, it felt like each year they dialed back more and more pink. It got to the point last year it was down to some of the players having pink towels, a half dozen coaches wearing pink brimmed hats, and the refs having pink whistles. But no more. It’s a shame too because they were just shy of raising $15 million for the American Cancer Society in the 8 years they were running the campaign. Man, that $2 million a year really means a lot when the league made $14 BILLION last year alone.

But don’t worry, they’re still raising awareness. This year, they’re letting the teams decide what cancer they want to raise the awareness for. WE MUST TREAT ALL CANCERS EQUALLY. So for 3 weeks during October, because god forbid we do it during all 5 weeks, each team will be raising awareness for a different type of cancer. So now we get a completely jumbled message of 30 different causes, instead of having to focus on one for a month. At least we don’t have to look at all that icky pink anymore.

At least the Chicago Bears know how to celebrate breast cancer awareness month:

Dog Shit of the Week

Jameson Crowder. JD lost to JeffWho by 2.65 points in a nail biter that literally came down to the last play on Monday night. Jameson Crowder caught one ball on Monday night during the final play of the game. He then threw that ball back to the quarterback, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by the tight end and handed to the running back, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by a Chiefs defensive player and ran back for a touchdown. From that play Crowder received -1.70 points. Fin.

Week 4 #PowerRanks

There’s major turn over in the#PowerRanks this week. A new #1 and a couple previous top-rankers are falling. I’ve added some random musings in addition to this week’s breakdown. I felt like “that guy did this and this guy did that” was getting a little stale.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

How am I the first person on the internet to think of this?

Copyright RhysNice.

Last in your program and last in your hearts. After winning opening day, Micho has now lost 3 in row. He’s dead last in points, averaging 111 points per week. That’s 20 points less than the league weekly average of 131 points. I tried to dive deeper into what makes Micho’s team suck so much. He’s only had 4 players score more than 20 points. Jordan Howard’s 32.60 points in Week 2 is the only time a player has scored more than 30 points. He’s had 2 weeks where the highest scorer had only 18 points. Each week he’s had 7, 8, 7 and 6 players in single digits.

11. Dessert First

Oh fill in the blank! It’s like Mad Libs. I love this game. Ummm, baby poop! Babies bottoms! My dog after I shower him! A really, really, really comfortable bed! A cocaine boner! A really old banana! Chocolate pudding! A kitten’s tummy! Really fuzzy socks! My beer belly!

Woody scored 75 points in Week 1. He then scored 119 points in Week 2. In Week 3, he scored 214 points. And last week he scored 105 points. One of these things is not like the other. I don’t need a test prep podcast to tell me the answer is C. #Fluke

10. Halftime in Cinci

This past Sunday, PWood and Woody got to stand on the field while the Pats warmed up. My mom taught me that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. Especially if you’re super, super jealous and want the people you are jealous of to die in an extremely painful death, only to be resurrected and then killed again in an even more painful way. Really, I hope you had fun. And I definitely didn’t hope that you got stuck in really bad traffic on the way home, and had the worst hangover of your life the next day, and that your dog threw up on your carpet.

The “W” in PWood stands for “Win”… well, and “Wood.” It mainly stands for Wood. But PWood picked up his first victory of the season. Greg Zuerlein, the kicker! scored 27 points (if your scoring at home, that’s 7 field goals, 4 of which were 40+, and 2 PATs), to help lead PWood in a 14-point win over Micho.

9. Satin & Lace Eddie

I think we should all pump the breaks on blowing smoke up Tony Romo’s ass. Look, I enjoy him too. But I don’t think enough of us are taking the Phil Simms effect into account. Just like our next president will go immediately onto Mount Rushmore just for being able to tie his shoes. It is a breath of fresh air hearing Romo call out plays and point out things while they’re happening. Especially when compared to getting 3 and a half hours of talking about talking about things. And it was cool in the beginning, he’d be like “If the safety drops down here, watch for play action.” Safety dropped down. Boom! Play action pass. Pretty cool. But now, I think he’s feeling himself a bit. He’s starting to think his shit don’t stink. He’s like “Look for play action here. Or a run.” You think? Or he’ll just call out when the QB audibles. “Uhp, ‘Fire fire fire.’ He’s calling ‘fire fire fire’.” Yeah, I know. I have the sound on on my TV. I don’t hate him or anything, I just think we should give it a little while before we crown him king of commentating. #RideOrDie4Collinsworth

How the mighty have fallen. Buckets was second in the PowerRanks two weeks in a row. He scored 155 points in Week 1 and 141 in Week 2. Now, he’s lost his last 2 in a row, and is only scoring an average of 111 points. Another loss could drop him in the bottom 3 of the PowerRankings.

[*Thinks to self, the bottom 3 needs a name. As does the top 3. Hmmm….*]

8. Beat Micho-gan

I saw JeffWho went to the Bronx last weekend. He did not, however, send me his traditional “Rhys, where’s a good spot to grab a drink in NYC?” This text always gives me anxiety. How do you answer this question? Um, everywhere? Like every single block in the city has a place to grab a drink? First off, where are you? I’m not gonna send you to my favorite bar in the East Village if you’re in the Bronx. Also, what kind of drink do you want? Craft Beer? Wine? Cocktails? Bud Light? What kind of experience are you looking for? Lounge? Sports Bar? Speakeasy? Burlesque? There’s a lot to do here.

JeffWho had the old “play as bad as you possibly can and still win” week. Jordy Nelson and Tyrell Williams combined for 49 points. As for the rest of his team? 8 of his players didn’t break double digit points. His QB (Matt Ryan) only barely did so, with 11.90. He had a player score negative points (Chris Thompson, -0.30), which almost let JD back into their matchup. JeffWho has won two in a row but is ahead of only Micho in points.

7. Tiger’s Wood

Peyton Manning is currently living the life. He’s got zillions from playing football, and is getting zillions more from Papa Johns and Nationwide and all the other endorsements. But how long does he keep this up? How long does it take for Peyton Manning stop being “Peyton Manning, Hall of Fame quarterback” and start being “Guy in the Papa John’s commercials”? It’s not that long till he stops being considered a football guy. I feel like Peyton has like 5 years to get back into football, whether it be ownership, commentating, or whatever, or else he’ll basically become the Geico gecko.

Holy shit, I just noticed something:

Week 1:

Week 2:

Week 3:

Week 4:

Every week that JD wins, JBiggs loses. And in a week where JBiggs wins, JD loses. That is some weird, brother-voodoo shit. Of course, the only true, best-case scenario is this continues throughout the season to the point where JD is 7-6 and JBiggs is 6-7 at the end of the season, and they have to play each other in the playoffs.

6. Spoiler Alert

Vegas was in Brooklyn this past weekend. We didn’t hang out though. It’s okay, he was spending time with his sister, so I’m not gonna fault him for that. He was nice enough to text me though… asking for a restaurant recommendation.

Vegas has gone from #1 in the Power Ranks to losing two weeks in a row. He’s still number one in total points, and is averaging 156 points per week. That said he lost by 25 points two weeks ago and by 40 this week.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

Reason number 315 why I think I’m getting old: I watched football all day on Sunday, and have no idea what happened. On Sunday, I watched the Pats play on my regular TV, and then I had RedZone on the second TV. I don’t know if I could tell you a single thing that happened during all the other games I “watched.” Last Sunday, I went to a bar that had all the games on at once. I found myself looking around from TV to TV, having no idea what was happening. I’ve gone from thinking they need to move some of the 1 o’clock games to 4 o’clock because there’s not enough action in the late afternoon, to moving the games because there’s TOO MUCH action in the early afternoon. I can’t follow any of it. Maybe I got “full dad” and watch one game at 1pm and then half of another at 4, while I nap.

Timmy laid the smackdown on Buckets this week, 157 – 110. The 47-point victory was enough for Yahoo!’s Blowout of the Week, which they have sponsored by Toyota. Because when I think about dependability in a car, I really want the word “Blowout” in my mind.

4. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Thankfully this week presents a solution to the “too many games” issue. First off, the Falcons, Broncos, Saints and R-words are all on a bye, so that reduces the slate by two games. Secondly, the Jets play Cleveland and the 49ers take on the Colts. Those games stink! That’s two more games I don’t have to care about. I don’t even think they have fantasy implications for me. Or anyone. I hope to not watch a single minute of those games. Scott Hanson, just tell us that someone scored and sneak the video into the touchdown montage. We don’t actually need to see it live.

You could argue that Giants-Chargers is dangerously close to being a stinker too. But that game also has the potential to be 40-34 with Phillip Rivers driving down the field with 1:30 left, only to throw yet another backbreaking interception.

JBiggs had seven players score double digit points, including 24.70 from Drew Brees, 23 from the Seattle Defense and 36.60 from Le’Veon Bell, to do the fantasy equivalent of mushing my face, 161.80 to 143.15. JBiggs is now 2-2, just like his brother, and is in sixth place, right behind his brother.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

God bless Jay Cutler.

I mean, look, a lot of us hate our jobs. Or at the very least, would rather be doing something else. But we all need a paycheck. I mean, how else would you support your wife’s Anti-Vaxing, Fashion and Mommy Blog? There’s a reason there aren’t “Rather be Working” signs that you can hang in your den. Smokin’ Jay, he’s just like us. Sometimes you don’t want to pretend that you’re a wide receiver in the Wildcat.

Also, I hope there was appropriate outcry from Peter King about Cutler taking the play off, just like there was for Ezekiel Elliott not running to catch a guy who’s in full sprint 30 yards in the other direction of him. There was, right? No? Hmmm. That’s odd. I wonder what the difference between them is?

Allovasudden #Nick is in third place. You sneaky, sneaky bastard. #Nick is somehow 3-1 while being in 8th place in total scoring. Well not, “somehow,” he’s first in Points Against by about 10 points. He’s the only team in the top 8 who hasn’t had 500 points scored against him.

2. PowerFranks Gore

This week in “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: the following quarterbacks are in the NumberFire’s Top-14 QBs for Week 5: DeShone Kizer, Alex Smith, Josh McKown, Joe Flacco, Jarred Goff, Deshaun Watson and Tyrod Taylor. 4 teams are on bye, but still!

I also love how fantasy analysts try to get cute. “Well, both the Browns and Jets defenses suck, and since they’re playing each other, both quarterbacks have a chance to go off.” OR this game will be 6-3 and end when the referee puts down a really old dog in the middle of the field.

I caught my first L of the season this week, losing by 19 points to JBiggs. I had Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery both leave early with injuries (5.80 points combined). Had I known that would happen, I would’ve played Devin Funchess, Alvin Kamara, and Cooper Kupp who combined for 46.60 points while sitting on my bench. Of course, this means I will play them next week and they will score all of 3 points each.

1. BigBrendoBrand

It’s a three day weekend this weekend. For the life of me, I still don’t know why we haven’t just changed the calendar to get one of these a month. It’s been scientifically proven that if you give every American 1 day a month to barbecue and drink as many beers as they possibly can across the span of 12 hours, with an extra day to recover, they actually do better work during the work week.

Let’s play another round of that game. In Week 1, Brendo scored 112 points. In Week 2, he then scored 148 points. Brendo then won again in Week 3 by scoring 138 points. This week he scored a week-high 175 points. One of these things is not like the other… It’s A. The answer’s A, dummy. Week 1 was a #fluke? Brendo’s team is good? Whhuuuuuhhhh??

OOOHHHHHH be sure to set your lineups because the New England Patriots (-6) bring their soft as Elmo’s armpit defense to Tampa Bay tonight! The color will rush to my loins when the Pats wear all white (Pats hater joke: fitting) to take on the Bucs wearing all red. I will Color Rush home from work and the beers will Color Rush to my mouth. Also take the over.

Enjoy the long weekend.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 1

Now that Week 1 is in the books, we now know everything we need to know about this season. Let’s review what we’ve learned. These are not overreactions by the way. These are perfectly valid, reasonable, sane reactions to the first week of football. For example:

We now know that I need to find a new hobby. The Patriots got their lunch money taken by the Chiefs. Liverpool got smoked by Manchester City, 5-0. I lost my sidepiece league matchup and even though I ended up beating PWood this week, it still feels like I lost. I picked wrong in Survivor (Houston). I better start watching Real Housewives or something because all of the teams I was planning on rooting for this fall are all already the pits.

Or! I could play DraftKings every week. The best part of DraftKings is you can draft a new team very week. If you draft the perfect team you’ll win ONE BILLION dollars. Just use promo code POWERRANKS to play for free.

We know that the Patriots will not win the Super Bowl. Maybe we shouldn’t have spent the whole spring and summer sniffing our own farts. Yes, we won the Super Bowl and it was the greatest comeback of all time. You know who knows that? Everybody! You know who gives a shit? Not a single fucking person outside of 495. Everyone already hates the Patriots and megahates Pats fans, let’s maybe not throw it in everyone’s face. Yeah, well, they hate us cause they ain’t us. No, they hate us because we’re huge fucking assholes who never stop complaining about the fact that we have the greatest coach and quarterback of all time but “get no respect.” Maybe we shouldn’t have been so happy to say, “Yup, and we’re gonna win the Super Bowl this year too.” Maybe don’t trot out the biggest Masshole on the planet to shove that comeback victory in literally everyone in the world’s face. Literally everyone! They showed that shit on the National Fucking Broadcast Corporation. It was literally everyone. Goddammit. There’s no better representation of a Pats Fan than Marky Fucking Mark. This front-running, meathead fuck leaves at halftime, then claims to be the Patriots #1 Fan.Maybe the offense shoulda spent some time practicing with the guy they spent a first round pick on instead of throwing passes to goddamn farm animals. Maybe the coach who claims to take “no days off” shoulda taken a few of those days to put together a defense capable of not giving up a 75-yard bomb every 10 minutes.

We know that Cassius Marsh is not very good at football. And that my dad and I will have at least 3 conversations on the phone about how bad he is and how many tackles he missed or coverages he blew. And that my dad will call him “Mark Cassius” when we have those conversations. We also know that Cassius Marsh will also have one great play over the course of this season, and I will be fired up about it. He will then blow a coverage in the very same game, and I will take off my shoe and throw it at the TV.

We know that this football season, in general, will not be very good. If you had the feeling that, even while watching RedZone, that the football wasn’t that exciting last week, you were right. It wasn’t! Last week, the Under went 10-3-1. Only 3 games were decided by 7 points or less. And 6 teams scored 10 or less points. Some more amazing offensive stats:

  • On Sunday, no running back rushed for multiple TDs and Matthew Stafford was the only QB to throw for more than two.
  • Meanwhile on the ground, teams only combined to score 19 rushing touchdowns. That’s on pace for 324 scores, the fewest since 1993.
  • The Cardinals and Lions together combined to rush for a putrid 2.75 Yards per Carry (45 yards on 18 carries for Arizona and 82 yards on 27 carries for Detroit).
  • This was the first time in seven years that Week 1 didn’t combine for at least 48 passing touchdowns. The total this year was 38.

We already knew that Fantasy sucks, but now we have confirmation. If you remove QBs from the top-10 scorers from this week, of the remaining 6 players, three were defenses (the Rams, Jaguars and Ravens). Would you like more reasons you felt Fantasy Frustrated™ this weekend?

  • LeVeon Bell managed 32 yards on 10 carries for a whopping 4.70 points. David Johnson gained 23 yards on 11 carries and scored 6.10 total points, and is now hurt. For those at home, the two players taken #1 and #2 overall in 100% of fantasy leagues barely managed to combine for 10 total points.
  • Devonta Freeman had 37 yards rushing. Demarco Murray had 44. Todd Gurley had 40. Isaiah Crowell had 33. Paul Perkins had 16. Eddie Lacey had 3.
  • The top-10 projected WRs, combined to average 7.82 points this week. Even removing the two guys who didn’t play (Mike Evans and Odell Beckham) they still all combined to average under 10 points, and that’s still including Antonio Bryants 25.20 points.
  • The average score this week was 121 points. The average for Week 1 last year was 145.
  • Of the top-10 projected RBs, none were projected to finish outside of the top-20 in total scoring. Instead they finished 315, 356, 1658*, 22, 71, 137, 249, 84, and 31. (*Jay Ajayi didn’t play)
  • Here’s a fun one: of the top-10 players drafted, EIGHT failed to score 10 points. Three didn’t even play.
  • Of the top 15 QB’s, only 6 started for teams this week. And of the top 5, only 2 started and 2 aren’t even owned!
  • We are living in a world where the two best fantasy quarterbacks in the league are Sam Bradford and Alex Smith. Speaking of which…

We know this year’s Super Bowl matchup will be between the Kansas City Chiefs and the Minnesota Vikings. I hope you enjoy a game filled with hard-nosed defense and 313 checkdowns. I can’t wait for Super Bowl Sunday where we get to see the interview with Sam Bradford where he talks about how tough his life is getting overpaid at 4 different teams (Yes, I’m including Oklahoma, aaayyyy). And then we get to see the “fun” little segment where he talks about his stupid, long shirt sleeves. How about the puff pieces that fail to mention when Tyreek Hill punched his pregnant girlfriend in the face and then choked her? Or maybe they’ll just describe that as “overcoming adversity.”

We know that the Indianapolis Colts are the worst team in football and will get the first pick in the draft next year. Which is hilarious, given how terrible the Jets are. The Jets, being the Jets, will somehow screw up, not go 0-16, and lose out on the first pick in the draft.

We now know the LA Rams will win the NFC West. Jared Goff made a couple nice throws on Sunday. And that Rams defense looked frisky. They get Aaron Donald back this week too, by the way. Their schedule has a bunch of winnable games (Washington, 49ers twice, Arizona twice, Giants, Jaguars, Texans, Saints, Titans and they managed to beat Seattle last year). Plus, who else is gonna win this division? Seattle’s line is so bad, Russell Wilson is going to go as the headless horseman for Halloween. Carson Palmer just celebrated his 132nd birthday last month. And San Francisco is still San Francisco.

We know the Buffalo Bills will win the AFC East. Lol nah

We now know Karim Hunt is the best Fantasy RB in the history of Fantasy RBs. 50.60 points! He almost had 100+ yards rushing and 100+ yards receiving. This dude is electric. I’m not bitter at all about not taking him during the draft. In fact, I want to congratulate JD right now on winning back-to-back championships. You certainly deserve it after losing all those other championship games.

NFL fans are REALLY excited about the fact that the NFL allows players to dance again. Isn’t it obvious!? What, with the Dunkin Donuts commercial with Gronk and Odell and the seven different Pepsi commercials that pop up every single commercial break. Oh and how about the fact that NBC, FOX, ESPN and CBS each had “teach us your moves!” segments on their pregame shows that were in no way awkward at all? The “F” in NFL now clearly stands for “FUN” now that the players are no longer flagged for celebrating when good things happen.

Next year we will draft backups in the first round and starters as their handcuffs. Guys aren’t even waiting until the middle of the season to get hurt anymore. Look at this: David Johnson: hurt in Game 1. Allen Robinson: hurt in Game 1. Odell Beckham: hurt before Game 1. Jordan Howard: Not as good as the other guy who replaced him in Game 1. And most importantly, Sebastian Janikowski: put on IR before Game 1.

Dog Shit of the Week

Kirk Cousins. No, I do not like that. I had the Eagles-R-words game on my non-RedZone TV on Sunday and man was I treated to a masterpiece in quarterbacking. It was like watching a man physically turn into the poop emoji right before my very eyes. When he wasn’t getting pummeled or running in for his life, Kurt was sailing passes over wide open receivers’ heads, bouncing the ball to his tight ends, or trying to jam it into double coverage.

This was my favorite Bleacher Report update of the day:

Fletcher Cox doesn’t play for Washington, by the way. Not exactly the “connection” I was looking for.

Somehow this guy makes $24 million! I should start dropping office supplies and sending emails to the wrong people and see if I get a raise.

Week 1 Power Rankings

God some of these matchups were ugly. The league is a little bottom heavy right now.

12. Dessert First

Woody’s team managed only 75 points this week. That’s the lowest regular season total since 2012. His entire team didn’t score a touchdown until Monday night. Aside from the 20.70 point night from Stefan Diggs, who was the one to score that touchdown, Woody’s entire team was a poop sandwich. Tom Brady was the only other player to score in double digits, and he still scored 50% less than he was projected. Eight players scored less than 6 points, included Hunter Henry putting up zero. There wasn’t even points to be had on his bench; his bench players only combined for 21 points.

11. FuseLitHugeDick

Looking at the individual performances, I’m not actually sure how Timmy didn’t manage to score 100 points this week. A.A.Ron scored a not-good-but-not-bad 21.65 points. Golden Tate had 18.40 points. He had six other players with 6 or more points, include LeGarrette Blount with 10.70. But, he also had 4 players (Emmanuel Sanders, Martavis Bryant, Bilal Powell, and Chris Boswell) combine for less than 11 points. I guess, yeah, looking at it again, that’s definitely where it happened. At least you have a Huge Dick.

10. Beat Micho-gan

Jeff-Who only had 3 players score in double digits this week. Two of those players (Jordy Nelson & Matt Bryant) scored less than 14 points. Jeff-Who’s team only managed 103 points with seven players scoring 6-or-less points. I think the way to mask the pain of defeat is by eating lots and lots of delicious trifle.

9. Halftime in Cinci

PWood had 4 players who each scored less than 3 points, and only one of them got hurt. No one on his team managed to score double digit points besides his quarterback (Ben Roethlisbeger) and his defense (Baltimore). Baltimore had 4 interceptions by the way.

8. PowerFranks Gore

PWood and I had a real barnburner of a matchup this week. We were basically the Fantasy Football version of the “No, You Go” Portlandia sketch:

By the time the 4 o’clock games ended, we were both sitting well below 100 points, and pretty much stepping all over ourselves trying to lose to each other.

7. BigBrendoBrand

Much like BigBallerBrand launching with $500 sneakers that no one wanted to buy nor wear, even when they were free from your dad, this wasn’t the best launch for BigBrendoBrand. For a second there, Brendo looked like he was going to have the best running back corps in the league. Leonard Fournette looks like a stud. But then David Johnson got hurt. Now the best (or second best) running back in the league is out for 2-3 months with a wrist injury.

6. CheesyGorditaCrunch

It kinda doesn’t matter what JBiggs did this week, there was a short, dark, Portuguese wrecking ball coming his way. Drew Brees ended up salvaging 21.00 points from a night he looked pretty bad. And the LA Rams Defense scored 46.00 points this week. Holy shit! I told you they were frisky.

5. #Brady40MainiHorny

#Nick’s team had a sort of uneven week. He had eight players with 9-or-more points. He also had four players with 5-or-less. Also, #bigups for drafting Tarik Cohen. #Nick didn’t play him this week or anything, but the guy already had a hashtag next to his name before he began trending this week on the interwebs.

4. Patfaninthecloset

Micho got one of the more consistent weeks from his team. He didn’t have many guys with big weeks (Adam Thielin had 157 yards receiving and a 40-yarder, good enough for 23.70 points), but he only had two players with less than 5 points.

3. Tiger’s Wood

Like I said before, Kareem Hunt is the best fantasy running back since LaDainian Tomlinson. JD has already got this thing all locked up. We’re all just playing for second place.

2. Satin & Lace Eddie

Buckets rode Matt Stafford’s 4 pass TDs, Mike Gillislee’s 3 rush TDs, and Jacksonville’s 10(!) sacks to an easy 43-point victory over Brendo this week. He didn’t get a whole heckofalot from the rest of his team, but then again, most of us didn’t really get a heckofalot from our entire teams. All you really need is 3 guys to get 39, 22 and 36 points and apparently you’re good.

1. Spoiler Alert

Well, well, well. After a very disappointing year last season, Vegas has cleaned house, fired the coach and GM, and started fresh. It’s all about changing the culture. Now there’s a good vibe in the locker room. The players are going out to movies together. On the first week of a new season, Vegas’s team responded with a monster day. He had 6 guys (Derek Carr, Tyreek Hill, Antonio Brown, Dalvin Cook, Ezekiel Elliott, and the Pittsburgh D) with 20+ points. Those six players alone were enough to beat JBiggs (as well as 10 other teams in the league, by the way). He had 4 other guys who combined to average 10.8 points each. Gronk was basically the only liability on his team.

AND Vegas handed out that beatdown with Sam Bradford on the bench. I was getting really angry watching the Vikings, knowing that Vegas had him too. Do you understand what I’d do for Sam Bradford at this point?!! I offer a trade, but I have nothing to give!

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

#4 Patsfaninthecloset flies to Vegas to take on #1 Spoiler Alert in a good old fashion Portuguese mumble fest. Loser buys the malasadas.

We also get a DeSantis Bowl! Holy shit! This feels too early. This is like when the Yankees and Red Sox play in April or if you had Florida-Florida State in September. DeSantis Bowl needs to be scheduled later in the year. I need stakes like, “loser doesn’t get to bring home mom’s Thanksgiving leftovers” or “loser doesn’t get Christmas presents” or “loser has to pick up the third DeSantis brother that we never talk about from the airport when they come home for the holidays.”

Don’t forget to set your lineups and pick your survivor. Houston is at Cincy (-6.5, I will never trust Houston again) tonight.


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2016 Power Ranks – Week 2

Every once in awhile I have thoughts about the stuff I see when watching football. Sometimes I write that stuff down. This is one of those times. I suppose this is what Twitter is for, but fuck it. My takes are TOO HOT for 140 characters!!

TMFFL Yo, they gave Omar a Bud Light commercial:

It makes me want to go buy a 30-pack of Bud Lights and drink ‘em all tonight! Is this yo can’s yeeeh? You goddamn right is is, Omar! The cheese stands alone! And the Patriots are the cheese!

TMFFL I’ma just put this out there: Tirico and Manning in the booth though? I learned more in that one play Manning broke down on opening night, than 3 years of watching Dan Fouts.

TMFFL Speaking of that asshole… During week 1, after the Seattle touchdown to come back against the Dolphins, Fouts was adamant “This one’s coming back! This play is coming back for an offensive pick.” The refs had their little huddle and all raise their arms signaling touchdown. Fouts kept going on and on about how that touchdown wasn’t going to count. The ref turned on his mic, “There was no foul for defensive holding, the touchdown is good” Even better, they then show the replay with nothing even close to an offensive pick. Dan Fouts, you fucking dummy!!!

TMFFL That Yahoo fantasy commercial where they rename the wifi hotspot is savage. Lowercase is for losers, Doug.

TMFFL The word “Area” is getting thrown around by commentators too much. Basketball commentators use “paint area” all the time. Just say “in the paint”! If a guy is standing in the paint, say he’s in the paint. If a team needs more points in the paint, say they need more points in the paint. Hey, see that painted area of the wall, that’s where I hang pictures. I then heard it a bunch of times by football commentators, talking about how you can’t tackle a quarterback around the head and neck “area” or below the knee “area.” What the fuck?! Just speak English. Just say you can’t hit him in the head or neck. Say you can’t tackle around a guy’s knees. You don’t sound smarter for saying, “Up, in and around his head area.” It’s not like your pointing out his fucking medulla oblongata.

TMFFL Tom Brady, he’s just like us.

TMFFL Boy oh boy, do people love to say Jim Bob Cooter! “That’s another thing you’re going to have to deal with with this Jim Bob Cooter offense!” (that play, by the way, that crazy play people will have to DEAL with, was a jet sweep by the wide receiver.Uh oh! Watch out! No team ever runs that!) I get, it’s a funny name. But let’s not use it as a crutch…. Actually you know what? Fuck it. Say it EVEN MORE. Run it into the ground! Give me weekly interviews with Jim Bob Cooter. Call it “Chatting with Coach Cooter” For as much as I’ve heard his name, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy. Give me the Cooter Cam!

TMFFL I don’t see what the big deal with these guys kneeling or sitting during the national anthem. I mean look at this white lady practically stepping all over the flag:

Where’s the outrage!

TMFFL This was the best call I’ve heard in a very, very long time. I hope this makes it into the annals of best calls in history with all the greats. Vin Scully. Jack Buck. All of ’em.

This reminds me of when I was at a rugby game while studying abroad in New Zealand. In New Zealand, people running on the field was a pretty normal occurrence at every game. People don’t take their sports SO SERIOUSLY outside of this country, like we’re going to goddamn church. Anyway, this naked guy runs on the field. It’s hilarious. Runs around, balls and butt cheeks flapping. Then gets trucked by a bunch of security. It’s pretty great. A good 10-15 minutes later, this other american guy I was going to school with turns to us, wicked drunk mind you, and goes, “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna run on the field.” Now, here’s one thing you need to know: When you study abroad, you will do anything. It’s amazing. You feel like you have diplomatic immunity. You’re up for anything. If anyone asks you if you want to do something, you say yes. Doesn’t matter what the fuck they ask you. You don’t even wait until they’re finished with their question. “Hey do you want to—” “Yup! Where do you want me to meet you and what time?” You don’t know any of these people. You don’t live here. It’s a freedom like you’ve never experienced. It’s like having drunk courage. All the time. Times ten!

So this guy looks at us, says “I’m gonna do it.” We all (of course) go “Hell yeah, man!” He takes off his flip flops, for extra speed and agility, and runs onto the field. He runs around for a while then gets tackled by security. They cuff him and put him in the paddy wagon. But guess who else is there, cuffed in back? The naked guy. And as that guy told me, there’s nothing more sobering than sitting in the back of a police wagon, handcuffed, next to a drunk, sweaty, naked man for two hours.

TMFFL Cam needs to stop it with that Daniel San headband. That shit looks terrible. Stop trying to make that happen. You may have made dabbing popular, but people are not gonna start rolling up to the club dressed as Cobra Kai.

TMFFL Why does the Viagra lady have SO many suitcases? They’re definitely all for her and not her…lover? Yeah, there’s no way that guy’s her husband. Her husband probably has ED too, but he’s now dealing with it in his studio apartment, eating meals for one, like Woody Harrelson in that episode of True Detective. Meanwhile she’s going to Barbados with that silver fox who has just the one duffle bag.

TMFFL Why do the water boys in the NFL have to squirt water into the players mouths? This isn’t a thing in any other league. In the NBA, the water boys hand them cups. In the NHL, the players squirt water into their own mouths. In baseball, the players fill up cups of water THEMSELVES. But NFL players need a guy to come over and be like, “would you like some water, sir?” And sometimes they even hold a towel below their chin like a baby. I know their helmet has a face mask and everything, but they can’t drink their own water like an adult?

goodellbsmeter

Last Week: Hungry Hungry Hippos where all the marbles are pellets of Bullshit.

This Week: Oh, I’ll just have a salad, with the Bullshit on the side.

Do you miss throwback uniforms? Yeah, me too.

So they introduced a rule not allowing teams to switch helmets throughout the year. Which is sad because now we no longer get dope ass Pat the Patriot, ACME Packers or powder blue Houston Oiler throwback uniforms. Now, if people believe this is one thing they can do increase head safety in the NFL, okay, I’ll give that to you. But they’re claiming once you break in a helmet, then it’s safer to keep that helmet than break in a new one. This equipment manager, however, claims there is basically no break-in process to new helmets. But what would he know? He only works with football helmets every single day of his life. Also, what about when a team picks up a new player, through a trade or off waivers or whatever. Isn’t he wearing a brand new helmet for that week? I’d love to see research on this. But we all know the NFL doesn’t deal in research.

Oh and if you watched the Rams game and saw those sweet-ass, old school unis with the old helmet decal, the Rams were able to do that because teams are allowed to change the stickers on the helmet, as long as they don’t change the helmet itself. So no more Pat the Patriot. RIP in Peace, Pat.

Dog Shit of the Week

ollie_vikes

Minnesota Vikings. This team is fucked. Within three weeks they lost their quarterback and their franchise running back. Shredded knees. Out for the season. This team is done. Their defense is really good, so they’re gonna be in a lot of games. And the Packers might not be that good, so they might even make the playoffs. But you can’t win the Super Bowl with Sam Bradford and Matt Asiata. D.U.N.

Runner-Up: Every single fantasy expert touting the New York Giants-New Orleans Saints matchup. Lat year, these two teams combined to score 101 points. This year? 16-13. Drew Brees and Eli Manning were ranked in the top 4 going into the week. Neither scored more than 24 points. Only two non-QB players, Willie Snead (11.40) and Sterling Shepherd (18.70), scored more than 10 points. Not frustrating at all.

#Power Ranks

12. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 11)

Buckets is last in the league, has no wins, and is second-to-last in points. He did put up a much more respectable score this week, losing by less than 10 points to Micho.

11. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 9)

PWood had three players score under 1 point this week: Donte Moncrief, who got hurt in the game, scored 0.90 points, Devante Adams scored 0.60 points and LB Levonte David put up a goose egg. The result was that he lost a heartbreaker by 1.1 points.

This matchup was insanely close the whole weekend:

screen-shot-2016-09-22-at-12-11-20-pm

I can’t really figure out anything from this graph, but man, those lines looks close.

10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 7)

I’d understand if Brendo’s a little upset, being ranked below a couple teams with no wins, even though he has one. But, then I’d say, come on. Come on, man. 90 points is pathetic.

9. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 12)

Vegas (Does we still keep using this nickname? He lives in the 5th Ward with Nana. You can’t get further away from Vegas than that.) has lost both his games by a combined 56.65 points. That’s worst in the league. It’s not going to get any better for him, as he matches up against top ranked Micho in a Loser Must Buy the Chourico match, that will feature the most inaudible, grumble-swearing per minute of any match-up we’ve ever seen.

8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 10)

Timmy wasted 46.80 points from Matt Ryan and lost to JD by 15. A lot of that loss can be chalked up to Thomas Rawls rushing 7 times for -7 yards and then getting hurt. Solid.

7. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 8)

#Nick had eight guys score under 7 points. Including Antonio Brown (4.90) and two guys from the Giants-Saints “shootout,” Brandin Cooks (6.80) and Coby Fleener (2.90).

6. Wide Right (Last Week: 1)

Yeah, you only get one week for the whole baby thing. From here on out, you gotta earn that top spot.

5. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob ((Last Week: 4)

LeGarrett Blount, Frank Gore and Isaiah Crowell combined to score 67.4 points for me this week… on my bench. But I’m 2-0. That’s what I get for having the 4th least points scored against me.

4. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 5)

High Score of the Week sponsored by High Maintenance on HBO. New episode tomorrow night at 9pm, and also on HBO GO if you want to catch up on last week’s episode. This week, a young girl, who lives with her aunt and uncle in Brooklyn, struggles to be a normal college student; the Guy delivers to a jaded couple who are throwing an intimate birthday gathering. That sounds good! (Trying to make that legit cash fellas.)

Woody’s team is first in points, and second in points against, meaning his team’s in good shape to be much better than 1-1.

Also, this just happened:

screen-shot-2016-09-21-at-5-39-51-pm

A little sexist aren’t we, Google Docs? “Oh, I think you meant ‘Prince’ not Princess. There are no such things as ‘Princesses’.” Princess is a word. And I spelled it right. Right? Maybe they’re just big fans of Prince. Which I would understand. Maybe they were just like “Look, I noticed you were doing a lot of typing and you were beginning to lag a bit. Might I suggest it’s time for a little Kiss? And goddammit Google, you were right! That shit got me going! Let’s bang the rest of this thing out!

3. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 6)

Jeff Who has outscored opponents by a combined 83.8 points!!! The next best team is JBiggs’ team with +57. That’s pretty fucking incredible. Having Kelvin Benjamin, who is a monster, helps a ton. Having the least amount of points scored against you also helps.

2. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 3)

Jeff Who scored more points the JBiggs this week, but JBiggs earns the 2nd spot in the #PowerRanks for eking out that 1.1 point win over PWood. You only win a matchup like that by being scrappy, gritty, having more motor, and other terms synonymous with being white.

1. Erect Dicker

Micho’s team is second in scoring, which has resulted in an undefeated season and 1st place in both the Toppa League and, more importantly, the #PowerRanks. I was going to reverse jinx the shit out of Micho here, but I’ve decided not to. It’s kinda fun having Micho in first place. Micho is this league’s true heel. We’ve all got our thing. Woody’s the Commissioner, Brendo’s the funny one, I’m the devilishly handsome one, JD’s the lovable loser, Buckets is the one we’re all secretly afraid of, Timmy’s the one who gets fucked up, #Nick’s the one who gets REALLY fucked up, and Micho’s the heel. Would you be surprised if Micho hit Timmy with a chair in the middle of the draft?! Well, kinda. But if you had to put money on one person who would actually do that??? …Right?

If he wins this week though, I’m bringing out the reverse jinx big guns.

It’s game day! And I’m ready:

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Take your corporate dress code and shove it. I will rebel with New England Patriot socks!! The Pats (EVEN) are taking on the Texas Texans who play in Texas, in Foxborough. I’m a little nervous because Houston’s defense featuring everybody’s favorite super senior looked good last week. But you don’t bet against Belichick and the Pats at home, in primetime. Belichick’s got something up his sleeve for Jacoby Brisket. Set your lineups and make your picks. Have a good weekend. Go Pats!!