Every once in awhile I have thoughts about the stuff I see when watching football. Sometimes I write that stuff down. This is one of those times. I suppose this is what Twitter is for, but fuck it. My takes are TOO HOT for 140 characters!!
Yo, they gave Omar a Bud Light commercial:
It makes me want to go buy a 30-pack of Bud Lights and drink ‘em all tonight! Is this yo can’s yeeeh? You goddamn right is is, Omar! The cheese stands alone! And the Patriots are the cheese!
I’ma just put this out there: Tirico and Manning in the booth though? I learned more in that one play Manning broke down on opening night, than 3 years of watching Dan Fouts.
Speaking of that asshole… During week 1, after the Seattle touchdown to come back against the Dolphins, Fouts was adamant “This one’s coming back! This play is coming back for an offensive pick.” The refs had their little huddle and all raise their arms signaling touchdown. Fouts kept going on and on about how that touchdown wasn’t going to count. The ref turned on his mic, “There was no foul for defensive holding, the touchdown is good” Even better, they then show the replay with nothing even close to an offensive pick. Dan Fouts, you fucking dummy!!!
That Yahoo fantasy commercial where they rename the wifi hotspot is savage. Lowercase is for losers, Doug.
The word “Area” is getting thrown around by commentators too much. Basketball commentators use “paint area” all the time. Just say “in the paint”! If a guy is standing in the paint, say he’s in the paint. If a team needs more points in the paint, say they need more points in the paint. Hey, see that painted area of the wall, that’s where I hang pictures. I then heard it a bunch of times by football commentators, talking about how you can’t tackle a quarterback around the head and neck “area” or below the knee “area.” What the fuck?! Just speak English. Just say you can’t hit him in the head or neck. Say you can’t tackle around a guy’s knees. You don’t sound smarter for saying, “Up, in and around his head area.” It’s not like your pointing out his fucking medulla oblongata.
Tom Brady, he’s just like us.
Boy oh boy, do people love to say Jim Bob Cooter! “That’s another thing you’re going to have to deal with with this Jim Bob Cooter offense!” (that play, by the way, that crazy play people will have to DEAL with, was a jet sweep by the wide receiver.Uh oh! Watch out! No team ever runs that!) I get, it’s a funny name. But let’s not use it as a crutch…. Actually you know what? Fuck it. Say it EVEN MORE. Run it into the ground! Give me weekly interviews with Jim Bob Cooter. Call it “Chatting with Coach Cooter” For as much as I’ve heard his name, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the guy. Give me the Cooter Cam!
I don’t see what the big deal with these guys kneeling or sitting during the national anthem. I mean look at this white lady practically stepping all over the flag:
Where’s the outrage!
This was the best call I’ve heard in a very, very long time. I hope this makes it into the annals of best calls in history with all the greats. Vin Scully. Jack Buck. All of ’em.
This reminds me of when I was at a rugby game while studying abroad in New Zealand. In New Zealand, people running on the field was a pretty normal occurrence at every game. People don’t take their sports SO SERIOUSLY outside of this country, like we’re going to goddamn church. Anyway, this naked guy runs on the field. It’s hilarious. Runs around, balls and butt cheeks flapping. Then gets trucked by a bunch of security. It’s pretty great. A good 10-15 minutes later, this other american guy I was going to school with turns to us, wicked drunk mind you, and goes, “I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna run on the field.” Now, here’s one thing you need to know: When you study abroad, you will do anything. It’s amazing. You feel like you have diplomatic immunity. You’re up for anything. If anyone asks you if you want to do something, you say yes. Doesn’t matter what the fuck they ask you. You don’t even wait until they’re finished with their question. “Hey do you want to—” “Yup! Where do you want me to meet you and what time?” You don’t know any of these people. You don’t live here. It’s a freedom like you’ve never experienced. It’s like having drunk courage. All the time. Times ten!
So this guy looks at us, says “I’m gonna do it.” We all (of course) go “Hell yeah, man!” He takes off his flip flops, for extra speed and agility, and runs onto the field. He runs around for a while then gets tackled by security. They cuff him and put him in the paddy wagon. But guess who else is there, cuffed in back? The naked guy. And as that guy told me, there’s nothing more sobering than sitting in the back of a police wagon, handcuffed, next to a drunk, sweaty, naked man for two hours.
Cam needs to stop it with that Daniel San headband. That shit looks terrible. Stop trying to make that happen. You may have made dabbing popular, but people are not gonna start rolling up to the club dressed as Cobra Kai.
Why does the Viagra lady have SO many suitcases? They’re definitely all for her and not her…lover? Yeah, there’s no way that guy’s her husband. Her husband probably has ED too, but he’s now dealing with it in his studio apartment, eating meals for one, like Woody Harrelson in that episode of True Detective. Meanwhile she’s going to Barbados with that silver fox who has just the one duffle bag.
Why do the water boys in the NFL have to squirt water into the players mouths? This isn’t a thing in any other league. In the NBA, the water boys hand them cups. In the NHL, the players squirt water into their own mouths. In baseball, the players fill up cups of water THEMSELVES. But NFL players need a guy to come over and be like, “would you like some water, sir?” And sometimes they even hold a towel below their chin like a baby. I know their helmet has a face mask and everything, but they can’t drink their own water like an adult?
Last Week: Hungry Hungry Hippos where all the marbles are pellets of Bullshit.
This Week: Oh, I’ll just have a salad, with the Bullshit on the side.
Do you miss throwback uniforms? Yeah, me too.
So they introduced a rule not allowing teams to switch helmets throughout the year. Which is sad because now we no longer get dope ass Pat the Patriot, ACME Packers or powder blue Houston Oiler throwback uniforms. Now, if people believe this is one thing they can do increase head safety in the NFL, okay, I’ll give that to you. But they’re claiming once you break in a helmet, then it’s safer to keep that helmet than break in a new one. This equipment manager, however, claims there is basically no break-in process to new helmets. But what would he know? He only works with football helmets every single day of his life. Also, what about when a team picks up a new player, through a trade or off waivers or whatever. Isn’t he wearing a brand new helmet for that week? I’d love to see research on this. But we all know the NFL doesn’t deal in research.
Oh and if you watched the Rams game and saw those sweet-ass, old school unis with the old helmet decal, the Rams were able to do that because teams are allowed to change the stickers on the helmet, as long as they don’t change the helmet itself. So no more Pat the Patriot. RIP in Peace, Pat.
Dog Shit of the Week
Minnesota Vikings. This team is fucked. Within three weeks they lost their quarterback and their franchise running back. Shredded knees. Out for the season. This team is done. Their defense is really good, so they’re gonna be in a lot of games. And the Packers might not be that good, so they might even make the playoffs. But you can’t win the Super Bowl with Sam Bradford and Matt Asiata. D.U.N.
Runner-Up: Every single fantasy expert touting the New York Giants-New Orleans Saints matchup. Lat year, these two teams combined to score 101 points. This year? 16-13. Drew Brees and Eli Manning were ranked in the top 4 going into the week. Neither scored more than 24 points. Only two non-QB players, Willie Snead (11.40) and Sterling Shepherd (18.70), scored more than 10 points. Not frustrating at all.
12. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 11)
Buckets is last in the league, has no wins, and is second-to-last in points. He did put up a much more respectable score this week, losing by less than 10 points to Micho.
11. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 9)
PWood had three players score under 1 point this week: Donte Moncrief, who got hurt in the game, scored 0.90 points, Devante Adams scored 0.60 points and LB Levonte David put up a goose egg. The result was that he lost a heartbreaker by 1.1 points.
This matchup was insanely close the whole weekend:
I can’t really figure out anything from this graph, but man, those lines looks close.
10. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 7)
I’d understand if Brendo’s a little upset, being ranked below a couple teams with no wins, even though he has one. But, then I’d say, come on. Come on, man. 90 points is pathetic.
9. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 12)
Vegas (Does we still keep using this nickname? He lives in the 5th Ward with Nana. You can’t get further away from Vegas than that.) has lost both his games by a combined 56.65 points. That’s worst in the league. It’s not going to get any better for him, as he matches up against top ranked Micho in a Loser Must Buy the Chourico match, that will feature the most inaudible, grumble-swearing per minute of any match-up we’ve ever seen.
8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 10)
Timmy wasted 46.80 points from Matt Ryan and lost to JD by 15. A lot of that loss can be chalked up to Thomas Rawls rushing 7 times for -7 yards and then getting hurt. Solid.
7. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 8)
#Nick had eight guys score under 7 points. Including Antonio Brown (4.90) and two guys from the Giants-Saints “shootout,” Brandin Cooks (6.80) and Coby Fleener (2.90).
6. Wide Right (Last Week: 1)
Yeah, you only get one week for the whole baby thing. From here on out, you gotta earn that top spot.
5. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob ((Last Week: 4)
LeGarrett Blount, Frank Gore and Isaiah Crowell combined to score 67.4 points for me this week… on my bench. But I’m 2-0. That’s what I get for having the 4th least points scored against me.
4. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 5)
High Score of the Week sponsored by High Maintenance on HBO. New episode tomorrow night at 9pm, and also on HBO GO if you want to catch up on last week’s episode. This week, a young girl, who lives with her aunt and uncle in Brooklyn, struggles to be a normal college student; the Guy delivers to a jaded couple who are throwing an intimate birthday gathering. That sounds good! (Trying to make that legit cash fellas.)
Woody’s team is first in points, and second in points against, meaning his team’s in good shape to be much better than 1-1.
Also, this just happened:
A little sexist aren’t we, Google Docs? “Oh, I think you meant ‘Prince’ not Princess. There are no such things as ‘Princesses’.” Princess is a word. And I spelled it right. Right? Maybe they’re just big fans of Prince. Which I would understand. Maybe they were just like “Look, I noticed you were doing a lot of typing and you were beginning to lag a bit. Might I suggest it’s time for a little Kiss? And goddammit Google, you were right! That shit got me going! Let’s bang the rest of this thing out!
3. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 6)
Jeff Who has outscored opponents by a combined 83.8 points!!! The next best team is JBiggs’ team with +57. That’s pretty fucking incredible. Having Kelvin Benjamin, who is a monster, helps a ton. Having the least amount of points scored against you also helps.
2. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 3)
Jeff Who scored more points the JBiggs this week, but JBiggs earns the 2nd spot in the #PowerRanks for eking out that 1.1 point win over PWood. You only win a matchup like that by being scrappy, gritty, having more motor, and other terms synonymous with being white.
1. Erect Dicker
Micho’s team is second in scoring, which has resulted in an undefeated season and 1st place in both the Toppa League and, more importantly, the #PowerRanks. I was going to reverse jinx the shit out of Micho here, but I’ve decided not to. It’s kinda fun having Micho in first place. Micho is this league’s true heel. We’ve all got our thing. Woody’s the Commissioner, Brendo’s the funny one, I’m the devilishly handsome one, JD’s the lovable loser, Buckets is the one we’re all secretly afraid of, Timmy’s the one who gets fucked up, #Nick’s the one who gets REALLY fucked up, and Micho’s the heel. Would you be surprised if Micho hit Timmy with a chair in the middle of the draft?! Well, kinda. But if you had to put money on one person who would actually do that??? …Right?
If he wins this week though, I’m bringing out the reverse jinx big guns.
It’s game day! And I’m ready:
Take your corporate dress code and shove it. I will rebel with New England Patriot socks!! The Pats (EVEN) are taking on the Texas Texans who play in Texas, in Foxborough. I’m a little nervous because Houston’s defense featuring everybody’s favorite super senior looked good last week. But you don’t bet against Belichick and the Pats at home, in primetime. Belichick’s got something up his sleeve for Jacoby Brisket. Set your lineups and make your picks. Have a good weekend. Go Pats!!