Remember when you were in Elementary School and you’d be sitting around the lunch table? Remember how everyday, kids were always a trading their food? Kids were wheeling and dealing, left and right. I’ll trade you my Capri Sun for those Ring Dings. I’ll trade you my Fruit By the Foot for your Shark Bites. I’ll trade you 2 clementines for that can of peaches, but you gotta throw in the spoon. The clementines was me. We weren’t really a fruit snacks and Tasykake family. That shit was awesome though, right? Well, those days are gone!

That’s right, no one trades anymore. I mean, look at this, this is pathetic:

I proposed FIVE trades last week, and every single one of them was rejected. They weren’t even sent back with counter-offers. Just: “Nah.”

Let’s go break this down and see how it went:

Trade 1

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob gets: Mohamed Sanu

Chocolate Pudding gets: Isaiah Crowell

This trade actually came to me 2 weeks ago, before I ended up proposing all of my trade offers. It was first thing in the morning and I was sitting on the couch, drinking coffee when I saw this trade proposal. Since I had only had the one cup of coffee, I figured I wasn’t in a place to make a rational decision. So I hit the shower, had breakfast, walked Ollie and went to work. When I got to work, I immediately checked my email to view the trade offer again, because work can wait when there’s fantasy football on the line. When I clicked the link to view the trade, I got this:

Was it a dream? I’d only had that one cup of coffee. Did I make it up? Or did Jeff Who really just back out of his own trade?

Trade 2

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob gets: Allen Robinson

Erect Dicker gets: Sammy Watkins

Last week Micho texted this:

I’d been thinking I needed some help at wide receiver, so I offered him Sammy Watkins. I did it through the official channels, as requested:

Note: All screenshots were taken last night, and not at the time when I offered the trade, but the general trade value is fairly close to the original offer.

Sammy Watkins was starting to feel like a bad pick, and I thought what better way to unload him than with exchanging top-20 receivers with a guy who is a Bills fan. Was this trade proposal fair? Probably not. But, that’s how you negotiate. You don’t buy a house by going, “How much is this house? I’ll take it!” You put in an offer that’s a little low, and see what they say. Wait, that’s not how you bought your house, is it? Oh no.

And again, Bills fan. You’d think Micho would want the star player from his favorite team on his fantasy team as well. Unless of course, he’s not a real Bills fan and actually a secret Pats fan. But, no. I get a stupid email from Yahoo: “Sorry Rhys, your trade has been rejected.” I didn’t even get a “Fuck outta here!” from Micho.

Trade 3

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob gets: Jordan Matthews

TuesdaysAtSpecks gets: Rashad Jennings

I was still on the hunt for a wide receiver and had (and still do have) an abundance of running backs. I looked around and found that Timmy needed some help at running back, since he was still waiting out the Le’Veon Bell suspension. I proposed the following:

Both teams win!! Me a bit more than him, but this seems like a good trade for both sides. Guess who didn’t think so? Timmy. He clicked the “Reject” button and I was informed the my trade proposal was nixed. No comment. No counter-proposal. Nothing.

Trade 4

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob gets: DeSean Jackson

Wonderland VIP’s gets: Frank Gore

This is another one where I had a bunch of running backs and wanted to see if I could get a receiver in return. It was looking like Frank Gore was having the solid, yet unexciting season fantasy experts had predicted. I figured I could flip him for a wide receiver, especially since he’s just sitting on my bench:

Now, this may look unfair at first glance, what with me having the +6.55 Overall Differential and Vegas having the -9.77. But if you look closer, Gore is still good for 107 potential points on the season and Jackson’s potential is 96. So Vegas would get more points for the season. Also, a 10 point difference across the season is less than one point per week, but because that number is RED, motherfuckers are gonna reject that shit. And these numbers are predictions of things happening 13 weeks from now. Which means there is a 79-108% that they’ll be completely wrong.

What’s the matter Vegas? Every team needs a good stick man. Did you think the 5 Dollar Frank Gore would intimidate the rest of the clubhouse?

He probably could’ve asked for more if he thought trade was unfair, and maybe I would’ve been willing throw in someone else to make him feel better. Instead, he just pussed out and said… nothing. He just passively clicked “Reject Trade”.

 Trade 5

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob get: Tyrell Williams

Chocolate Pudding get: Frank Gore

I remembered my fever dream where Jeff Who offered me a wide receiver for a running back. I figured since he’s just lost Adrian Peterson, he’d need some running back help. I knew he was already thinking about taking a running back off my hands in exchange for a receiver. Or maybe I imagined it. I wasn’t really interested in Mohamed Sanu anymore after his 1.90 point week, so I decided to go for Tyrell Williams instead:

This trade works out way better for Jeff Who than it does for me. Again, these are this week’s numbers and not last week’s, so the original trade was probably a bit more balanced, but it was still a win-win trade for both sides. Both teams were getting what they needed and weren’t losing anything in the process.

But again, nothing. Just a sad, formal email from Yahoo telling me that my trade was rejected. Fucking Millennials. Communication is dead. I can’t get a Sorry, but no? I can’t get a No way I’m giving up Jordan Matthews unless you give me something else? I’d even take a Hahahaha, fuck you! over the non-communication I got last week.

So that’s 5 trades, and they all got rejected. What the fuck?!! Why does no one want to trade?! Take some risks in life fellas. How did you ever end up kissing a girl? You gotta grab life by the horns. You gotta have some intestinal fortitude. You gotta have some cojones grandes.

But you know what? It’s fucking fine! I won by 55 points this week. I’m 3-0. I’m out here trying to help YOU fuckers. But you don’t want it. That’s fine. And don’t go offering me trade proposals now. I don’t want your shame offers. I don’t want your embarrassment trades. Toppa would be so disappointed in you fuckers.

In another great example of the NFL’s shortsighted tinkering of the rule-book, the owners (to the coaches objections) voted to move the touchback on kick-off to the 25 yard line, thinking teams would take a touchback more often if they got 5 extra yards. But what the dumbass owners forgot was, THERE’S ANOTHER TEAM ON THE FIELD. Teams kicking off have opted to start kicking the ball shorter, so that the ball doesn’t reach the end zone, and players are forced to run the ball back. In fact, “Through two games this season, 37.3 percent of kickoffs have been returned. That’s an increase from the 30.1 percent of kickoffs returned through the first two games in 2015.” One of the best examples of this was, in Week 1 after the Patriots had taken the lead late in the game, the evil genius himself, Bill Belichick, chose not to kick the ball out of the end zone which would’ve given Arizona the ball at the 25. Instead, Gostkowski kicked it to the 6, and Andre Ellington only ran it back to the 17 yard line. Arizona then had to drive the ball on a longer to get into scoring position, which led to them missing a long field goal for the win. And then Belichick gone did it again on Thursday!

Well done, everyone. Keep up that great work improving player safety.

Dog Shit of the Week

Carson Palmer. Threw for 287 yards, but had 4 picks and 2 fumbles for a grand total 4.35 points. Vegas, who had Palmer as his starting QB, ended up losing to Micho in the Chourico Bowl by just 11 points. If you replaced Carson Palmer with any other quarterback in the top 20, which include such superstars as Alex Smith (18.55), Case Keenum (23.60), Brian Hoyer (24.55), and Ryan Tannehill (28.15), Vegas would’ve won the matchup. Now Vegas owes Micho a Chourico dinner with all the fixins: fava beans, malasadas… steamed Portuguese Man of War. And Micho was probably SUPED. Not only did Carson Palmer’s absolute bed-shitting performance lead to a victory over his best frenemy*, it also led to Micho’s terrible Buffawoe Bills getting their first win. Congratulations, you win one more week of Rex & Rob Ryan!

*Seriously, you two talk more shit behind each other’s backs than 4 basic betches sitting around eating Pret salads and drinking Pumpkin Spice Lattes.

#Power Rankings

The league has divided itself perfectly into four 3-team tiers. I’m not sure if that’s the way the math is usually supposed to break down, but it sure looks nice. We’ve got a quarter of the league sitting at 3-0, a quarter at 2-1, a quarter at 1-2 and the last quarter sitting at 0-3.

12. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 11)

Ugh, this was a brutal week for PWood. Eight of his players failed to score double digit fantasy points. Four of which scored under 5 points, including a pathetic 0.50 points from linebacker Lawrence Timmons. Thanks for jumping on that one pile, Larry. Ben Roethlisberger and Julio Jones came into this week averaging 30 and 18.60 points, respectively. They scored 8.55 and 1.60. They were projected to score a combined 50.89 points. They barely managed to combine for 10. Sad!

11. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 9)

See: Palmer, Carson

10. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 12)

After barely being able to score more than 100 points in Week 1, Buckets has put together two respectable weeks, posting around 148 points in Weeks 2 and 3. Unfortunately, two weeks ago, Micho managed to outscore Buckets, 157-147, and last week, Raleigh got fucking STEAMROLLED by Team #PowerRanks, 204-148. If he can keep his current point total where it is however, he may be able to grab his first win. This week, Buckets travels to Nana’s House to take on Vegas, who is averaging 139 points per week.

9. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 7)

#Nick is the early contender for this year’s smoke and mirrors team. After beating up on Buckets in Week 1, #Nick has lost two straight. He’s near the bottom in scoring (10th) and has gone up against the second easiest schedule so far. He’s hoping to stop the downward skid this week, going up against another 1-2 team, Timmy.

8. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 8)

Speaking of! Timmy picks up his first win of the season beating PWood’s Sad! team by more than 36 points. He even did it with a goose egg from Tyler Lockett. The main factor in Timmy’s victory was Devonta Freeman, who looked like the Devonta Freeman of last year, scoring 34.70 points this week, after putting up a combined 13.30 points in Weeks 1 and 2.

7. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 4)

Woody is officially the unluckiest team in the league. He’s third in scoring but is second in most points scored against him. Of course, this week he would’ve lost to everyone in the league except PWood and Jeff Who, but up until this week, he was averaging 170 points per week. He should have better weeks than this one, since 7 of his 12 players scored 60% or less of their projected points. Also, Blake Bortles sucks.

6. Chocolate Pudding (Last Week: 3)

How quickly they fall. Jeff Who took his first loss of the season. Thanks to a donut from Kelvin Benjamin and 16.35 points from Derek Carr (who was another player just good enough to have beaten Micho for Vegas), Chocolate Pudding was only able to score 110.35 points.

5. Wide Right (Last Week: 6)

After losing in Week 1, JD has won 2 straight. Good thing you got that pesky baby thing outta the way, right? JD is 6th in the league in scoring, but has scored less points than have been scored on him. This basically means, at 2-1, JD is perfectly set up to make another shitty, uninspired run to the Toppa Bowl and lose.

I think JD vs. Jeff Who may have been the most boring match up of the weekend. If you disregard Mike Evans’s (26.20) and Carlos Hyde’s (31.50) great performances, you’re left with two quarterbacks who scored 10 points under their projections, a player on each side putting up a bagel, and 15 total players failing to score in double digits.

4. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 10)

After failing to break 100 points last week, Brendo came back strong and scored 173.45 points. He ended up blowing out Woody by more than 55 points. Brendo has a big matchup this week, going up against Micho. This could be a let down matchup for Micho, as he won the big one against Vegas. Plus, he could be sleepy after eating all that chourico.

3. Goodell’s A Man-gina (Last Week: 2)

JBiggs is the weakest team of the top 3, coming in 4th in the league in scoring but running up against the third easiest schedule. He’s also won his last two matchups by a combine 12.15 points. But undefeated is undefeated. This week is the real test in this week’s marquee matchup: #3 Goodell’s A Man-gina hosts #1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob. Right now, the line favors me -2.5, but don’t be surprised if it’s EVEN by Sunday.

2. Erect Dicker (Last Week: 1)

Micho won his chourico but he lost the top spot. He’s still one of the best teams in the league. Micho’s second in the league in scoring and his 3-0 record is impressive against the fourth highest points scored against him. He would clearly be the team to beat, if not for..

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 5)

204 POINTS BITCHES!!!

This week’s high score is brought to you by High Maintenance on HBO. This week’s episode is called Tick: Aging parents navigate their son’s recent success and new lifestyle; the Guy delivers to a retired man who lives downstairs from his neurotic daughter and her family. You know this show gets a 93% score on Rotten Tomatoes. That’s quality stuff. HBO, make checks payable to #PowerRanks Inc., New York, NY 10018.

Anyway, I propose a double bonus payouts for scores over 200 points, effective retroactively. Oh man, did my team go off this week. I had the #4 QB (Drew Brees), the #3 (LeGarrette Blount) and #9 (David Johnson) RBs, the # 5 WR (Jordy Nelson) and #1 IDP (Derrick Johnson) in all of fantasy this week. Of course, this week I’m starting Quincy Enunwa and Jamison Crowder at WR. I’d be better off with Quincy Carter, Jae Crowder and taking shots of Jameson. So it was fun while it lasted.

Be sure to set your lineups and make your picks. Bye weeks start this week. Yay!  Green Bay and Philadelphia are on bye this week. Because you need a rest after 3 whole games.

The Dolphins (+7.5) are at Cincinnati tonight. It’s another fun ColorRush™ game, with the Dolphins wearing all orange (okay, I can see that) and the Bengals wearing white (wait, what?!). As much as I’d love to see orange with teal stripes face off against orange with black stripes in a complete clusterfuck, this feels like a missed opportunity for black Bengals uniforms. Every team has white jerseys. Nike isn’t selling additional jerseys by putting out special edition ColorRush white jerseys. Idiots will buy the purple Ravens jerseys. Oh my god, I’ve already seen sooooo many 12th man, electric green Seahawks jerseys in the stands in Seattle. But those white Houston uniforms last week were mad boring. This is dumb.

Also this week, we got London Football!! We got football and pancakes. Coffee and beer. Be sure to set your lineups early on Sunday because the London Jaguars play the Colts at Wembley at 9:30am EST in a Loser Does Not Get on the Plane match. I’ll just leave these facts here:

1.  The Dolphins lost to the Jets last year in Week 4 in England, 27-14. They were 1-3 after Week 4.
2.  The Dolphins fired Joe Philbin after that loss, and then had their bye the following week.
3.  Gus Bradley is 12-38 as head coach of the Jaguars
4.  The Jaguars are 0-3 this season
5.  The Jaguars are on bye next week
6.  Gus Bradley’s odds for First Coach Fired are +500
7.  If Timmy were sanctioned to put $20 of kitty money on Gus Bradley First Coach Fired, we could win $100.

I’m not sayin’, but I’m just sayin’.

We’ve got some big match ups this weekend that could totally swing the #PowerRanks for next week. We’ve got #11 Wonderland VIP’s vs. #10 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd, #9 #TomFuckinMaini vs. #8 TuesdaysAtSpecks, #7 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #5 Wide Right and of course, #3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob.

Everyone have a good weekend!