James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League

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Emergency “I’m not freaking out about Tom Brady’s thumb” Post

Some thoughts now that Tom Brady has been upgraded on the injury report to “questionable” for Sunday’s Conference Championship Game.

  • HOLYFUCKINGSHITOHMYGODNOPLEASESHITGODDAMMITNOPLEASEUHOHGODDAMMITNONONONONONOSHITNO
  • Belichick loves to mess with the injury report. Brady has been questionable like 40 times and never missed a game
  • NNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
  • Tom Brady could beat the entire league left handed
  • I do not want to see him try
  • Look at this shit eating grin. There’s no way he’s THAT hurt: Screen Shot 2018-01-19 at 4.56.22 PM.png
  • I’ve secretly been scared of Jacksonville as the playoffs got closer and closer. I’ve had those, “This may sound stupid but Jacksonville has the type of defense and running game that can beat the Pats” conversations with… well, just myself, but I was very convincing.
  • But then I remember Blake Bortles
  • Look how worried he looks in this picture though:

  • We still have four awesome running backs. FOUR
  • OHMYGODTHISSUCKSOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGODOHMYGOD
  • This will be fine
  • throw-up-gif-17.gif
  • It would make sense that, in a year where a dozen of the league’s most exciting players, on the eve of the Conference Championship games, Conference Championship games that feature Nick Foles, Case Keenum and Blake Bortles, the league’s most famous player would get hurt and we’d get to watch Brian Hoyer instead.
  • On the bright side, if Tom Brady doesn’t play on Sunday, and the Pats lose, I will have the best, most stress-free Super Bowl Sunday. I will cook and eat all of the wings. I will have both Morning Beer and Shower Beer and then have all of the other beers after that. I will buy like 14 squares. I will gamble on the coin flip. I will get hammered and end up going to bed right after Justin Timberlake shows me a titty during the halftime show.

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2017 Power Ranks – Week 7

Me and the old lady took a trip to IKEA this past weekend. Going to IKEA is a scary proposition because it’s a labyrinth designed to keep you inside and give you Stokholm syndrome (pun intended) into wanting all the shit they sell. Oooh look this lamp is only $3.50! I feel like we could use a lamp shaped like a frog. There’s even a goddamn restaurant in the middle of it. They’re probably just trying to calm down hangry wives murdering their husbands who are crippled with indecision. I’ve been on trips to IKEA where three hours in, I lost the will to live, and wanted to just leave. Do you know how hard it is to just put it all back in IKEA? It’s a maze within a maze. Thankfully, Boom Boom and I got in and out of there in an hour and a half, got what we needed, got some extra stuff (but not too much!), all the pieces were included and there were no fights. Flawless Victory.

Everyone hates putting together IKEA furniture, but I love it. I mean, sure, Joseph Allen, inventor of the Allen wrench can get fucked. Hey, what if I combine two perfectly good tools, a screwdriver and a wrench, except make it half the size, give it no leverage, and have it fall of the screw every two and a half turns? Sounds like an amazing tool. The Swedes will eat that shit up.

I should really thank my parents for letting me play with and continuing to buy Legos. Thanks to Lego, I totally know how to read a set of instructions with no words or any real direction, just subtle change between images and an arrow or two. Seriously, buy your kids legos.

After we had our IKEA dresser all put together, I was reminded about the first time I realized I was a real adult. I knew I became an adult when the things I got as presents, or things I bought myself stopped being things I played with and became things I used. I think the exact moment was when I bought myself a really nice garbage can for my apartment. It was stainless steel and had two compartments, one for trash, one for recycling, and the lid closed all slow and fancylike. No more slamming the lid shut. This trashcan was unslammable. I spent like $150 on a trash can! And fucking loved it! But when you make a purchase like a garbage can or a dresser from IKEA, the childlike excitement of “I can’t wait to play with this thing for hours!!!!!” is gone. I got one of those awesome Nest fire alarms. It sent Boom Boom a text when I burnt the chicken. A text mid-smoke! That’s amazing. That’s some SkyNet shit right there. But there’s no playtime after you plug in a fire alarm. That’s how you know you’re an adult. Now you buy a thing, set it up, and go on with your life, happy it’s 0.3% better.

Dog Shit of the Week

Julio Jones. Mr. 99! So the week I had one of the best receivers in the game going against the sieve that is the Patriots defense, they actually decide to play well. At least he scored a touchdown this week, which was his first of the season by the way. 1 yard!! I just needed one more yard to reach the receiving bonus. Those 6 points would’ve made it so I would’ve… lost by 26 instead of 33. Right. Moving on.

This week’s level: Did they teach bullshit in elementary school?

It was a pretty quiet week for the Ginger Hammer. There wasn’t really any new bad news to report. I did some Googling to see what Roger was up to this week and nothing exciting came up. However, if you search “Roger Goodell quotes” the number one hit is: “I spent a lot of time in the school psychologist’s office. I didn’t apply myself. My mother thought I had learning disabilities.” OOOOoooooohhhhhhhh. Now this all making sense. We hired the special kid in class to run the goddamn NFL! Well done! The guy who you don’t trust to cut your meat at the deli is making decisions about people’s future mental health. Good stuff.

Week 7 #PowerRankings

Well, it’s Halloween this weekend and that means it’s time to bring back one of my favorite gimmicks. Let’s review this year’s sexiest costumes and power rank them accordingly.

Tie 12. Beat Micho-gan

Adult Baby Inflatable Costume. This is what nightmares are made of.

With this week’s stinker, JeffWho has now scored 2 of the 3 lowest scores in the league (don’t worry Woody, you’re still number one). JeffWho is averaging 105 points per week, which is almost 25 points below the league average.

Tie 12. Patsfaninthecloset

Women’s Jellyfish Costume. AAAAAANNNNNNNNNDDDD that looks like a dick.

I started off this post with Micho in last, but then started writing JeffWho’s section and realized how much his team sucks, so I switched them. Then I looked at Micho’s team for a second time, and thought, “Man, but Micho’s team is really, really shitty too.” So, congrats! You both get to be in last. You both suck. A lot. You literally both suck so much, that I could pick who sucked more. 6 losses in a row vs. lowest point total. Who cares? You both stink.

At least you guys are happily in love.

10. Halftime in Cinci

Adult Fabric Sexy Doll Mask. Holy shit! This is wrong. This is coming from a guy who thinks blowup dolls are funny. But in the ironic way, you know? Like, “why would anyone have sex with a blow up doll?” It doesn’t even feel that good. I mean, I BET it doesn’t even feel that good. Blow up dolls are silly and stupid. Let’s bring it out to breakfast with us when we’re hungover and order it pancakes. That’s funny and dumb. This costume is… rapey.

PWood’s team is basically this year’s 49ers. He’s in every game, but then ends up losing. He’s averaging 126 points per matchup, which is barely below the league average of 130. He’s not bad, he’s just unlucky. Like really, really, super, very unlucky.

Also this week in RhysNice’s Parenting Tips: (sorry I forgot last week) So you have to dress your kid up for Halloween. Here are some ideas:

  1. Monkey. Dressing your kid up like an animal is fucking cute. In fact, it doesn’t even matter what kind of animal. Puppy. Cow. Whatever. It’s all fucking cute. I’d dress my kid up like an animal all the time. There doesn’t even need to be a reason. Is it a special occasion? Nope, just my kid looks super fucking adorable dressed as a lion. 
  2. Burrito. Hilarious! Also, cute. PLUS! Your kid is swaddled all night and they love that. I have no idea what swaddling is, but I hear babies love it. 
  3. Pumpkin. It’s been done before, but it’s always cute. It’s a classic for a reason.

9. Dessert First

Fireball Tank Dress. Just like shots of Fireball, this costume seems like a good idea at the time. Yeah baby, you give me heartburn like no one else and you make my shits smell weird the next day. This is also top contender for worst (or best!) walk of shame costume.

I can’t figure Woody’s team out. In his victories, he’s averaging 170 points. When he loses, he’s averaging 103. I feel like I’ve either ranked him in the top 3 or the bottom 3 each week and not in between.

8. BigBrendoBrand

Women’s Upside Down Honey Costume. You know, nothing gets me going like dressing up like a 12-year-old girl. The sexiest thing about this costume is the waffles.

Have the wheels fallen off for Brendo? After winning 4 in a row and scoring more than 160 points in back-to-back weeks, Brendo has now lost his last two and scored less than 102 points in both matchups. He didn’t have a single player besides his quarterback score in double digits this week.

7. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Adult Miss Freddy Frueger. It’s a valiant effort, but there is no way to make Freddie Krueger sexy. If something scared me from like 3rd grade through, like, way older than care to admit, I’m not gonna all of a sudden be like “Hey lady. You look purdy.” I’m more likely to be like, what the fuck is wrong with this girl’s brain to think that is in any way sexy. Also, am I supposed to be excited by a potential hand job with a knife-glove? Cuz call me crazy, but I’m not.

Eric Decker scored zero points for JBiggs this week. Every other one of his players scored over 6 points. Le’Veon Bell, Drew Brees and Amari Cooper all hit the bonus as Bell ran for 134 yards, Brees threw for 331 with a passing and rushing TD, and Cooper had over 200 yards(!!) receiving. Those three players combined for 103.65 points. Which, by the way, was enough to beat Micho’s crappy 83 points.

6. FuseLitHugeDick

Women’s Sassy Shark. Does a shark need to be sassy? It’s a fucking shark. Like, if you go up to a shark and were like, “Hey, Mr. Shark,” It would bite your fucking arm off. Pretty sure that’s plenty sassy.

After not being able to put up 100 points in Week 5, Timmy’s averaged 139 points and won in back-to-back weeks. He heads to Cinci this week to take on PWood. If he beats PWood this week, which (sorry) everybody seems to do, than he’ll go to 5-3 and be in the top half of the standings.

5. Tiger’s Wood


Desirable Me Character Costume. This may be the winner of this year’s “trying way too hard to be sexy, and not even remotely trying to be the thing you are saying you are” award. You can’t just say you’re a Minion by wearing goggles and half of a yellow shirt.

The difference was basically Russell Wilson, as he scored 42.70 points and helped JD beat Woody by 50 points. JD had been riding the win-loss roller coaster this season, following every win with a loss, but every loss with a win.

4. PowerFranks Gore

Adult Sexy Stormtrooper Costume. I’m just going to keep putting this one on the list every year until Boom Boom gets the hint.

I got stomped this week. I put up the third most points of the week and still lost by 30. Yahoo gave me a weekly grade of “A” and I still didn’t even come close to winning. I had a 3% chance of winning going INTO the early Sunday games. It also gets better, because in this week’s edition of “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?” I have SEVEN players on bye this week. That’s almost half my team. I’m starting guys I don’t even know the name of. 4-4 here we come.

3. Finding Foerster

Women’s Frisky Frog Costume. We’ve entered my favorite territory: Comfy AF costumes.

Since renaming his team, Buckets’s team is 3-0. Sometimes you just need to get rid of the locker room cancer. And that cancer was Satin & Lace Eddie. It’d make sense naming your team after a guy who can’t seem to stop being fat even though he’s paid lots and lots of money to not be, would give you some bad karma for the year.

2. #Brady40MainiHorny

Adult Debbie Bodysuit. Now we’re talking. Go ahead and feel free to throw me around the bed first. I’ll just lie here and you can moonsault off the dresser.

It’s now 5 in a row for #Nick. Dak Prescott scored 41.30 points and LeSean McCoy (which is a fun name to type) added another 21.20 as #Nick’s team put up 167 points and routed PWood by 40.

1. Spoiler Alert

5th Element Leeloo Thermal Bandages Costume. Yup. This’ll do. 14-year-old Rhys was all about 5th Element Milla Jovovich. Especially since we didn’t have the internet back then. You can use my Multipass.

He stumbled a bit there, but Vegas is back in the top spot, after putting up almost 200 points. Vegas put up 80 points on Thursday alone. Our matchup was over before it even began. Vegas is now averaging 156 points per week, which is a good 25 points higher than the league average.

Bonus: Stupid Sexy Flanders

Goddammit! This makes me angry how good of an idea this is. Some people are just too good at Halloween.

Weekend Matchup to look out for:

#2 Spoiler Alert flies to Atlanta to take on the first place #Brady40MainiHorny. HewittSportsbook.lv has Vegas as a 13 point favorite right now. But, will #MainiMagic continue for the 6th week in a row?

Be sure to set your lineups. Arizona, Green Bay, Jacksonville, Los Angeles Rams, New York Giants, and Tennessee are all on bye. Miami (+3) is at Baltimore tonight. Wake up early on Sunday, we’ve got more bad football in England. Minnesota (-9.5) takes on Cleveland and God save the Queen.

Enjoy the weekend.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 4

I’m currently studying for a certification exam. It’s one of those things that if I just suck it up, study and pass the stupid thing, I’ll end up making more money in the long run. But I’ve learned, or actually, remembered, that studying sucks! Becoming an adult is so much more wack than being a child, but at least I didn’t have to do school anymore. This is bullshit.

School is dumb. Look at this shit:

Do you have any idea what this gobbledygook means? Because I sure don’t. And why am I spending my time learning that a “Resource List is a list of the resources”? No shit? Better make me up a flash card right now!

Also, I have to take notes! This is a thing which I clearly have fallen out of practice. It hurts my hand so bad! I haven’t actually physically written anything longer than grocery list in like 10 years. And forget about writing quickly. I have lost this skill as well. All of my notes end up looking like the word “Pmmmmmmty.” I don’t know what that means. Do you?

Spending all of your free time studying is the worst. I liked my old schedule. I used to spend my commute enjoying podcasts. Me and the Pardon My Take boys getting into mischief, or for some reason, still listening to Bill Simmons guess the lines. Or maybe I’d take in some pop culture with The Watch or Pop Culture Happy Hour, or I’d get some fantasy advice from Fantasy Pros or the 06010. If was feeling particularly brave, I’d get political updates from Pod Save America. And if I was feeling homesick, I’d listen to how Buddy Cianci became mayor on Crime Town. Now? Now I listen to “Interpersonal Skills 1-6” and “Enterprise Environmental Factors”. Ugggghhhh, shoot me in the face. Everyday. 3-4 times a day. Shoot me in the face.

(By the way, I think nothing makes me whiter than complaining about not being able to listen to podcasts.)

I use to have so much free time! I used to worry that there were too many good TV shows that I wanted to watch and not enough time to watch them in. Now, I either don’t have free time because I’m learning about Organizational Charts, or if I’m doing something else, like, say, taking a shit, I worry that I should be spending that time studying. My life has become waking up, doing some studying in the morning, going to work, coming home, eating dinner, studying some more and then stopping, looking around and saying “I guess, I better go to bed.” AND THEN DOING IT ALL OVER AGAIN.

And the worst part? I’ve only been doing this for like a week. I have like 3 months of this shit and I already can’t take it. I’m so screwed.

This week’s level: Does all this bullshit match my pink shirt?

Well, it’s breast cancer awareness month again and that means we can treat ourselves to the NFL bombarding us with pink towels, pink gloves, pink cleats, pink goal post protectors, pink hats on the sidelines, and pink ribbons worn by coaches, owners and broadcasters, right? [*Watches 14 hours of football and sees a total of 4 pink mouthpieces.*] Wait, what? Apparently, the NFL has moved on from its Pinktober campaign to raise awareness for breast cancer. That didn’t last long, did it? I can’t say I’m surprised, it felt like each year they dialed back more and more pink. It got to the point last year it was down to some of the players having pink towels, a half dozen coaches wearing pink brimmed hats, and the refs having pink whistles. But no more. It’s a shame too because they were just shy of raising $15 million for the American Cancer Society in the 8 years they were running the campaign. Man, that $2 million a year really means a lot when the league made $14 BILLION last year alone.

But don’t worry, they’re still raising awareness. This year, they’re letting the teams decide what cancer they want to raise the awareness for. WE MUST TREAT ALL CANCERS EQUALLY. So for 3 weeks during October, because god forbid we do it during all 5 weeks, each team will be raising awareness for a different type of cancer. So now we get a completely jumbled message of 30 different causes, instead of having to focus on one for a month. At least we don’t have to look at all that icky pink anymore.

At least the Chicago Bears know how to celebrate breast cancer awareness month:

Dog Shit of the Week

Jameson Crowder. JD lost to JeffWho by 2.65 points in a nail biter that literally came down to the last play on Monday night. Jameson Crowder caught one ball on Monday night during the final play of the game. He then threw that ball back to the quarterback, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by the tight end and handed to the running back, who then dropped it. The ball was then picked up by a Chiefs defensive player and ran back for a touchdown. From that play Crowder received -1.70 points. Fin.

Week 4 #PowerRanks

There’s major turn over in the#PowerRanks this week. A new #1 and a couple previous top-rankers are falling. I’ve added some random musings in addition to this week’s breakdown. I felt like “that guy did this and this guy did that” was getting a little stale.

12. Patsfaninthecloset

How am I the first person on the internet to think of this?

Copyright RhysNice.

Last in your program and last in your hearts. After winning opening day, Micho has now lost 3 in row. He’s dead last in points, averaging 111 points per week. That’s 20 points less than the league weekly average of 131 points. I tried to dive deeper into what makes Micho’s team suck so much. He’s only had 4 players score more than 20 points. Jordan Howard’s 32.60 points in Week 2 is the only time a player has scored more than 30 points. He’s had 2 weeks where the highest scorer had only 18 points. Each week he’s had 7, 8, 7 and 6 players in single digits.

11. Dessert First

Oh fill in the blank! It’s like Mad Libs. I love this game. Ummm, baby poop! Babies bottoms! My dog after I shower him! A really, really, really comfortable bed! A cocaine boner! A really old banana! Chocolate pudding! A kitten’s tummy! Really fuzzy socks! My beer belly!

Woody scored 75 points in Week 1. He then scored 119 points in Week 2. In Week 3, he scored 214 points. And last week he scored 105 points. One of these things is not like the other. I don’t need a test prep podcast to tell me the answer is C. #Fluke

10. Halftime in Cinci

This past Sunday, PWood and Woody got to stand on the field while the Pats warmed up. My mom taught me that if you can’t say anything nice, then you shouldn’t say anything at all. Especially if you’re super, super jealous and want the people you are jealous of to die in an extremely painful death, only to be resurrected and then killed again in an even more painful way. Really, I hope you had fun. And I definitely didn’t hope that you got stuck in really bad traffic on the way home, and had the worst hangover of your life the next day, and that your dog threw up on your carpet.

The “W” in PWood stands for “Win”… well, and “Wood.” It mainly stands for Wood. But PWood picked up his first victory of the season. Greg Zuerlein, the kicker! scored 27 points (if your scoring at home, that’s 7 field goals, 4 of which were 40+, and 2 PATs), to help lead PWood in a 14-point win over Micho.

9. Satin & Lace Eddie

I think we should all pump the breaks on blowing smoke up Tony Romo’s ass. Look, I enjoy him too. But I don’t think enough of us are taking the Phil Simms effect into account. Just like our next president will go immediately onto Mount Rushmore just for being able to tie his shoes. It is a breath of fresh air hearing Romo call out plays and point out things while they’re happening. Especially when compared to getting 3 and a half hours of talking about talking about things. And it was cool in the beginning, he’d be like “If the safety drops down here, watch for play action.” Safety dropped down. Boom! Play action pass. Pretty cool. But now, I think he’s feeling himself a bit. He’s starting to think his shit don’t stink. He’s like “Look for play action here. Or a run.” You think? Or he’ll just call out when the QB audibles. “Uhp, ‘Fire fire fire.’ He’s calling ‘fire fire fire’.” Yeah, I know. I have the sound on on my TV. I don’t hate him or anything, I just think we should give it a little while before we crown him king of commentating. #RideOrDie4Collinsworth

How the mighty have fallen. Buckets was second in the PowerRanks two weeks in a row. He scored 155 points in Week 1 and 141 in Week 2. Now, he’s lost his last 2 in a row, and is only scoring an average of 111 points. Another loss could drop him in the bottom 3 of the PowerRankings.

[*Thinks to self, the bottom 3 needs a name. As does the top 3. Hmmm….*]

8. Beat Micho-gan

I saw JeffWho went to the Bronx last weekend. He did not, however, send me his traditional “Rhys, where’s a good spot to grab a drink in NYC?” This text always gives me anxiety. How do you answer this question? Um, everywhere? Like every single block in the city has a place to grab a drink? First off, where are you? I’m not gonna send you to my favorite bar in the East Village if you’re in the Bronx. Also, what kind of drink do you want? Craft Beer? Wine? Cocktails? Bud Light? What kind of experience are you looking for? Lounge? Sports Bar? Speakeasy? Burlesque? There’s a lot to do here.

JeffWho had the old “play as bad as you possibly can and still win” week. Jordy Nelson and Tyrell Williams combined for 49 points. As for the rest of his team? 8 of his players didn’t break double digit points. His QB (Matt Ryan) only barely did so, with 11.90. He had a player score negative points (Chris Thompson, -0.30), which almost let JD back into their matchup. JeffWho has won two in a row but is ahead of only Micho in points.

7. Tiger’s Wood

Peyton Manning is currently living the life. He’s got zillions from playing football, and is getting zillions more from Papa Johns and Nationwide and all the other endorsements. But how long does he keep this up? How long does it take for Peyton Manning stop being “Peyton Manning, Hall of Fame quarterback” and start being “Guy in the Papa John’s commercials”? It’s not that long till he stops being considered a football guy. I feel like Peyton has like 5 years to get back into football, whether it be ownership, commentating, or whatever, or else he’ll basically become the Geico gecko.

Holy shit, I just noticed something:

Week 1:

Week 2:

Week 3:

Week 4:

Every week that JD wins, JBiggs loses. And in a week where JBiggs wins, JD loses. That is some weird, brother-voodoo shit. Of course, the only true, best-case scenario is this continues throughout the season to the point where JD is 7-6 and JBiggs is 6-7 at the end of the season, and they have to play each other in the playoffs.

6. Spoiler Alert

Vegas was in Brooklyn this past weekend. We didn’t hang out though. It’s okay, he was spending time with his sister, so I’m not gonna fault him for that. He was nice enough to text me though… asking for a restaurant recommendation.

Vegas has gone from #1 in the Power Ranks to losing two weeks in a row. He’s still number one in total points, and is averaging 156 points per week. That said he lost by 25 points two weeks ago and by 40 this week.

5. FuseLitHugeDick

Reason number 315 why I think I’m getting old: I watched football all day on Sunday, and have no idea what happened. On Sunday, I watched the Pats play on my regular TV, and then I had RedZone on the second TV. I don’t know if I could tell you a single thing that happened during all the other games I “watched.” Last Sunday, I went to a bar that had all the games on at once. I found myself looking around from TV to TV, having no idea what was happening. I’ve gone from thinking they need to move some of the 1 o’clock games to 4 o’clock because there’s not enough action in the late afternoon, to moving the games because there’s TOO MUCH action in the early afternoon. I can’t follow any of it. Maybe I got “full dad” and watch one game at 1pm and then half of another at 4, while I nap.

Timmy laid the smackdown on Buckets this week, 157 – 110. The 47-point victory was enough for Yahoo!’s Blowout of the Week, which they have sponsored by Toyota. Because when I think about dependability in a car, I really want the word “Blowout” in my mind.

4. CheesyGorditaCrunch

Thankfully this week presents a solution to the “too many games” issue. First off, the Falcons, Broncos, Saints and R-words are all on a bye, so that reduces the slate by two games. Secondly, the Jets play Cleveland and the 49ers take on the Colts. Those games stink! That’s two more games I don’t have to care about. I don’t even think they have fantasy implications for me. Or anyone. I hope to not watch a single minute of those games. Scott Hanson, just tell us that someone scored and sneak the video into the touchdown montage. We don’t actually need to see it live.

You could argue that Giants-Chargers is dangerously close to being a stinker too. But that game also has the potential to be 40-34 with Phillip Rivers driving down the field with 1:30 left, only to throw yet another backbreaking interception.

JBiggs had seven players score double digit points, including 24.70 from Drew Brees, 23 from the Seattle Defense and 36.60 from Le’Veon Bell, to do the fantasy equivalent of mushing my face, 161.80 to 143.15. JBiggs is now 2-2, just like his brother, and is in sixth place, right behind his brother.

3. #Brady40MainiHorny

God bless Jay Cutler.

I mean, look, a lot of us hate our jobs. Or at the very least, would rather be doing something else. But we all need a paycheck. I mean, how else would you support your wife’s Anti-Vaxing, Fashion and Mommy Blog? There’s a reason there aren’t “Rather be Working” signs that you can hang in your den. Smokin’ Jay, he’s just like us. Sometimes you don’t want to pretend that you’re a wide receiver in the Wildcat.

Also, I hope there was appropriate outcry from Peter King about Cutler taking the play off, just like there was for Ezekiel Elliott not running to catch a guy who’s in full sprint 30 yards in the other direction of him. There was, right? No? Hmmm. That’s odd. I wonder what the difference between them is?

Allovasudden #Nick is in third place. You sneaky, sneaky bastard. #Nick is somehow 3-1 while being in 8th place in total scoring. Well not, “somehow,” he’s first in Points Against by about 10 points. He’s the only team in the top 8 who hasn’t had 500 points scored against him.

2. PowerFranks Gore

This week in “What the fuck?!! How is anyone supposed to be any good at Fantasy?”: the following quarterbacks are in the NumberFire’s Top-14 QBs for Week 5: DeShone Kizer, Alex Smith, Josh McKown, Joe Flacco, Jarred Goff, Deshaun Watson and Tyrod Taylor. 4 teams are on bye, but still!

I also love how fantasy analysts try to get cute. “Well, both the Browns and Jets defenses suck, and since they’re playing each other, both quarterbacks have a chance to go off.” OR this game will be 6-3 and end when the referee puts down a really old dog in the middle of the field.

I caught my first L of the season this week, losing by 19 points to JBiggs. I had Julio Jones and Ty Montgomery both leave early with injuries (5.80 points combined). Had I known that would happen, I would’ve played Devin Funchess, Alvin Kamara, and Cooper Kupp who combined for 46.60 points while sitting on my bench. Of course, this means I will play them next week and they will score all of 3 points each.

1. BigBrendoBrand

It’s a three day weekend this weekend. For the life of me, I still don’t know why we haven’t just changed the calendar to get one of these a month. It’s been scientifically proven that if you give every American 1 day a month to barbecue and drink as many beers as they possibly can across the span of 12 hours, with an extra day to recover, they actually do better work during the work week.

Let’s play another round of that game. In Week 1, Brendo scored 112 points. In Week 2, he then scored 148 points. Brendo then won again in Week 3 by scoring 138 points. This week he scored a week-high 175 points. One of these things is not like the other… It’s A. The answer’s A, dummy. Week 1 was a #fluke? Brendo’s team is good? Whhuuuuuhhhh??

OOOHHHHHH be sure to set your lineups because the New England Patriots (-6) bring their soft as Elmo’s armpit defense to Tampa Bay tonight! The color will rush to my loins when the Pats wear all white (Pats hater joke: fitting) to take on the Bucs wearing all red. I will Color Rush home from work and the beers will Color Rush to my mouth. Also take the over.

Enjoy the long weekend.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 12

 

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I heard this on Sunday as I was reaching for a chip: “Cameron Wake is 34 years old and coming off a torn Achilles.” I didn’t put the chip back, but I felt really bad about eating it.

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The Patriots defense is not good. It’s not awful, but it is not good. They can’t get to the quarterback. It’s a fact. And if they can’t get to the quarterback, why are they rushing only two and three guys? And I can’t even remember the last time the Pats blitzed. Now, blitzing wouldn’t be necessary if you had a front four that could reach the quarterback. Denver is the best example of this, the Broncos lead the league with a 10.2 percent sack rate on passes when not sending extra pressure. Of course, it helps when you have Von Miller. But anyway, the Pats rank 30th in pass rush, are 24th in total sacks, and have an adjusted sack rate of just 4% of every drop back (the NFL average is 6.1%). They are in the top 10 of the league in QB hurries, but are in the middle of the pack in completion percentage. All this equals out to if you give a quarterback time (which they do), and he knows he’s not gonna get hit (which he’s not), he’s gonna pick you apart. It doesn’t matter whether it’s Russell Wilson or Ryan Fitzpatrick. And I’m not allowed to be worried about this?! Anybody who’s been in a Braga Bowl knows if you don’t have someone to count to “5 Mississippi” the quarterback is gonna make plays. Maybe send an extra guy now and again!

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Huge sigh. Okay, there’s good news. Maybe this is just for me, since I’m apparently the only one who’s worried. The Pats are second in yards after catch, which backs up what I’ve been thinking for a couple years now: this team tackles really well. The Patriots are third in points allowed and 4th in touchdowns allowed, meaning ‘Bend But Not Break’ is still a thing. And the offense is really good. So as long as they don’t give up more the 24 points, every game is winnable.

The other good news is, for a reason I don’t have the time to research, there’s basically no completely balanced team in the league. The Patriots D kinda sucks, but they’re the 3rd best offense in the league. Dallas? Atlanta? Oakland? Great offenses (1st, 2nd, and 5th, respectively) but terrible defenses (27th, 24th, and 26th). Baltimore? Denver? Minnesota? The exact opposite. Great defenses (1st, 2nd and 6th) but terrible offenses (30th, 24th, and 25th). Seattle, Pittsburgh and Kansas City are arguably the most “balanced” teams, but Seattle just put up 5 points against Tampa Bay, Pittsburgh are a snap away from being Roethlisbergerless and KC has Alex Smith. Again, I have no reason why this is the case. If I were to guess, I’d guess that the salary cap prohibits you from spending enough to make both sides of the ball elite, so teams have to make a choice based on their current personnel, but I have no justification for that take. This does mean, the Pats are not as bad as I think, since everyone else is kinda bad too. As long as they get home field advantage throughout they’ll be in good……ish shape.

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If you didn’t notice, this email came in at 12:12pm and was 12 lines of “TFB12” 12 times. I gotta give #Nick props for creativity. #Nick has really enjoyed this whole RHYSNICE WAS WRONG week. It’s because you live in Georgia now, huh? Not much to do huh, buddy? Maybe join a Meetup group or something.

I enjoyed pixelating #Nick’s last name and email address, because it makes him look like a sex offender. Which…. *shrugs shoulders*

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I love me some Redzone, but there is one downside to it. There are no commercials, so I never have a time when I know I can run to the bathroom. Luckily, my man Scott Hanson has me covered yet again. He has a secret code phrase every week that lets you know it’s okay to take a break. It’s kinda like You Can’t Do That On Television, where the secret word gets you slimed, but this one lets you know it’s okay to get up and take a piss. This week’s phrase was “we now go to the Bills-Jags game.”

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I didn’t have time to write this last week, but I learned a lesson while I was in San Francisco. I’ve learned that Murphys go on the Murtaugh List. All of them. Friends, Brothers, Fathers, Mothers, Cousins. I am too old for that shit. I am no longer 22. I cannot get blackout drunk multiple nights in a row and eat nothing but greasy meat covered in cheese. It sounds wonderful and fun, but it turns out it’s not actually that healthy for you. I spent the whole trip shitting, having to shit, or feeling like I had to take a shit, but couldn’t. Also, random parts of my body started aching and I did no physical activity whatsoever.

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There was this guy who came to the Niners-Pats game with us. I guess he was a friend of a friend. And he seemed like a cool guy. He was one of those guys who, you know, talks to people in a new group of people, which I guess is a thing normal and/or cool people do. But, I should’ve known this kid was not cool. In hindsight, the first tell was the fact that he was dressed like he was gonna play 18 at pebble beach, not dressed to go watch a football game. (If you dress like a golf referee, however, that’s fine.) He was wearing a polo shirt, khaki shorts and a white sox hat. He claimed it was because it gets really hot in Santa Clara, but if he had looked at the weather report, he’d have known it was predicted to be somewhere between 100% rain for an hour and 1000% rain for 13 hours. Had I recognized this was a sign that he was a douchebag, I could’ve ignored him right off the bat instead of being friendly to him. Instead, I had to listen to him talking about when he was trying to figure out whether he could hit on Boom Boom or her friend. You should know, he had a girlfriend. Also, who’s trying to hook up at a football game? What are you a Lions fan? I would’ve been pissed but I knew I could’ve put his head through the wall without really trying. It’s also great when a guy says something like that and you can watch women physically trying to stifle laughter.

I also had to listen to this guy talk shit about Garage Beer Pong playlist on our bus ride home. It apparently wasn’t “HARD” enough for him. Come on, bro. A little bit later, he put on a poncho and took a piss in a bottle of cranberry juice, because he couldn’t hold it. In front of Murph’s parents.

So, fuck that guy. The lesson as always, don’t trust people who aren’t socially awkward.

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I feel like every dude weekend has a running joke throughout it. A joke that is pretty funny, but takes on a whole life of its own throughout the weekend. It only gets funnier and funnier as you get drunk and hungover and drunk and hungover again. Last time I was in San Francisco, that joke was Murph almost throwing up on me while taking a shot at the bar. Basically every 45 minutes for 5 days, we mimicked the dry heave noise he made. Someone may have even done it during his wedding.

The Member Berries were that joke while we were in San Francisco this time. Honestly, the source material is hilarious, but it became a quick and easy way to make a joke: just throw “Member” in front of whatever you were talking about and you’ve got comedy gold. I’ve made and heard so many Member Berry jokes over the last week and a half that I can’t tell if I love them or hate them.

Do women do this? They definitely don’t do this, do they? Like, do they go to bachelorette parties and tell the same joke 154 times in 48 hours? Are they at their fancy dinner and like, “Guess what, outta tampons again!!!”? Are they touring wineries and being like, “Fuck you, Lorelai! Hahahaha!”? Who knows? Such a fascinating species…

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Last night, I woke in a cold sweat remembering that Woody sent me this text. I thought that he could be sending me a “RHYSNICE WAS WRONG” letter in the goddamn mail! That woulda been some shit. I probably woulda broke down and cried had I opened a physical envelope with a diss in it. I checked the timestamp, and he sent that text before I thought the Patriots were gonna lose. So it’s probably just a Christmas card. And now it’s too late to be like, “Good Idea, Rhys!” scribble scribble scribble. The mail will never be delivered in time. You missed out. How am I better and more creative at dissing myself than you all are? It’s really pretty pathetic.

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This was a sick burn, except you fucked it up. I definitely made my “WRONG” comment last Sunday, which was in November, and very much not June. This joke is null and void and therefore not funny. How do you not know November is the 11th month?! Jesus, you better get Mary shooting hoops now, the future is bleak. Why don’t you send her to Uncle Rhys’s house so she can learn to read?

Or is the school year that bad already that you’re just can’t fucking wait for June? As an ex-teacher, I can appreciate that.

If we win the Super Bowl, I will buy and wear that shirt. To ToppaDraft VII.

 

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This Week’s Level: A big, huge, fat blunt filled with bullshit

Yesterday I saw a spot on CBS News This Morning about how Titans linebacker Derrick Morgan is asking the NFL to look into the drug cannabidiol, or CBD, and its possible uses for helping fight CTE. If the word cannabidoil looks familiar, it’s exactly what you think it is: an oil that’s made from marijuana. It’s already being used to control seizures in some kids with epilepsy and Jake “The Snake” Plummer (Remember him!?) uses CBD to help with the constant headaches he has.

The NFL made a statement, which started like all NFL statements, that its “top priority is the health and safety of our players,” which is a lie. Then followed it up with “medical experts have not recommended making a change or revisiting our collectively-bargained policy and approach related to marijuana.” So let’s just keep giving all the players as much oxycodone as they need and forget about it.

The NFL also said it’s starting a committee to look into using alternative forms of pain management. Which, of course, is the way shit-eating, money-grubbing lawyers deal with everything. We’re forming a committee to look into it! Sure. Let me know your fucking findings. Maybe I’m gonna start forming a committee to get away with all my shit. Rhys, why are the dishes still in the sink after you said you’d clean them? I’m forming a committee to see what soap I should use. Rhys, you missed your last deadline to file that proposal. Well, I formed a committee and their findings aren’t complete yet. I need some more time.

Then like two hours later, I read about the NFL suspending Bills offensive lineman Seantrel Henderson 10 games for violating the substance abuse policy. Why? Because he smoked pot to help alleviate the symptoms of his Crohn’s disease. He ended up having 2 and 1/2 feet of toxic sections of his small and large intestines removed in surgery and was unable to take traditional pain killers. So he smoked some pot to deal with the pain.

The NFL will never look into using pot as a preventative measure and/or remedy for head injuries (they’re still claiming that football doesn’t cause head injuries!) because it’s too much of a hot button issue. They’re too scared of how the PR will look. Just a buncha potheads over there in the NFL. Lock em all up! But this is a forest for the trees thing. If they took a step back and said “Okay, we’ll look into it. There might be something there.” AND if the NFL actually said “We know this may be a controversial subject, but we’re looking into every single way to keep our players safe.” then maybe I might believe them. And as for Henderson, why not just be like “We don’t usually make exceptions, but considering this guy is missing 2 and ½ feet from his stomach, we’re gonna look the other way on this one.” Who is complaining about this!?!

Pot is only going to become a bigger and bigger issue for the NFL. Just look, the last 3 Super Bowl champions are from states where marijuana is, or is about to be, legal.

Dog Shit of the Week

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Robert Kelley. FAT ROB!! In a game that featured 500 yards of offense from the Washington Racisms, going up against a Cowboys defense that is ranked 27th in the league, Fat Rob only managed 37 yards on 14 carries, averaging 2.6 yards per carry, and 4.20 fantasy points. That was after scoring 39.70 points last week and averaging 21 points in his last 3 games. Buckets ended up losing a by 5 points and could’ve used a great game (or even a decent one) from Fat Rob.

#PowerRankings

Oh boy, 1 playoff spot left and 3 teams fighting for it. It all comes down to this week.

12. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 2) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Fine. FINE! I’ll rank myself last. I’ll cop to it. I doubted the Patriots. You know shit is bad when Austin, the kid who leaves Patriots games in the 4th quarter when they’re losing and has shit on both Tom Brady and Belichick, calls you out. I just had an awful feeling that it was gonna be one of those games where the defense ends up giving up a soft touchdown at the end of the game and leaves Tommy only 20 seconds to drive the whole field and then he doesn’t do it and it leaves you feeling terrible. I’m sorry. It’s not like I’m the only one who felt that way. I’m just the only jackass who said it on the group text. Like I was the only one who was nervous the Patriots were losing to a shitty Jets team? They were making Ryan Fitzpatrick look like… I dunno, anyone other than Ryan Fitzpatrick. The Pats were 9.5 point favorites and they were losing to Quincy Enunwa’s asshole. It’s not like I was actively rooting for the fucking Jets, it’s that I was pissed it looked like we were gonna lose to the fucking Jets. But all of you guys were so fucking confident. Not a single drop of sweat. Fuck that and fuck you.

Honestly, I had just spent 4 fucking days with my family. After going through that and a tie score at halftime and a hurt Gronk, I should’ve been on fucking suicide watch.

And another thing! You all should be fucking thanking me. That was the one of greatest reverse jinxes of all time. I single handed swung the outcome of that game. But this is the fucking thanks I get.

Most likely playoff spot: 1 seed (100%)

11. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 9) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Technically, Brendo’s not eliminated from the Playoffs. All he needs is a win this week, and Buckets, PWood and Vegas to all lose. He also needs to score 282 points, assuming Buckets, PWood and Vegas all score what they’re projected to. Better make it an even 300 just to be safe.

10. TuesdaysAtSpecks (Last Week: 12) [ELIMINATED from Playoffs]

Timmy’s done. Like I can’t even make up a scenario where he’d make it into the playoffs. I guess just focus 100% of your energy on gambling instead of most of it?

9. Wide Right (Last Week: 5) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JD didn’t really join in on the piling on festivities, until he sent a picture of his baby today saying I was wrong. So fuck you JD. And fuck your baby.

JD did not clinch his playoff berth by winning his matchup with his brother, he also didn’t get the turkey leg this Thanksgiving. He was stuck with dry breast meat. Ugh, it’s the only time of the year when white breasts are not what I want. Anyway, because both Timmy and I won, JD clinched a playoff berth this week. I shoulda lost on purpose.

Most likely playoff spot: 7 Seed (52.8%)

8. Funky Cold ‘Mendola (Last Week: 10) [Playoff Odds: 18.04%]

PWood has now lost 3 in a row and his playoff chances have dropped from over 40% to under 20%. He HAS to win this weekend and he also needs Buckets to lose. That would put him in a tie for 8th, and currently he’s leading in the overall points tie breaker.

7. Michos A Gurley-Man (Last Week: 4) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (41.4%)

6. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 1) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

Most likely playoff spot: 5 seed (40.9%)

JeffWho and Woody were a combined 8-2 over the last 5 weeks, but both of them put up big losses this week. Woody only managed to score 123.80 points, which is almost 40 points less than his league leading 162.47 points per week average. JeffWho got smoked by Vegas by 68 points. Both have over a 60% at the 4 or the 5 seed. Which means we could see 1st and 3rd highest scoring teams going up against each other in a Round 1 slobberknocker.

5. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 8) [Playoff Odds: 66.56%]

Buckets has yet to be mean to me via the group chat. And I appreciate that. I’m fucking sensitive, alright?

I once had someone tell me to stop being so sensitive. And I was like, Yeah, I’ll work on that. But now I think, That’s exactly the type of shit a mean person would say. And, maybe you should stop being such a fucking asshole. I’m pretty sure if you go from being a dick to being a nice person that world ends up +1. Not sure if that’s the case if I become more jaded.

Buckets can clinch a playoff spot if:

  • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd BEAT ErectDecker; OR
  • Princess AmukaMARY BEAT Wonderland VIP’s -AND- Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola;

4. ErectDecker (Last Week: 6) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

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Thank god for Micho. At least when I’m getting shit on by the group text, he’s there to pretty much always get shit on by the group text.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (47.3%)

3. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 7) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

#Nick took his destiny into his own hands, beat Buckets in a very tight contest this weekend and clinched a playoff berth. He’s probably going to end up with a decent playoff spot since he has more than 50 total points than the next potential playoff team.

Most likely playoff spot: 6 seed (84.9%)

2. Goodells A Man-gina (Last Week: 3) [Playoff Berth CLINCHED]

JBiggs broke from tradition and didn’t trade with his brother over the dinner table. It didn’t help since they were playing each other this week. Instead he took another step closer to the 2 seed by winning the DeSantiseseses Bowl.

Most likely playoff spot: 2 seed (32.7%)

1. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 11) [Playoff Odds: 13.92%]

Holy Shit! Vegas scored the second highest total of the year and somehow uneliminated himself from the playoffs! He went from a 0% chance of making the playoffs last week to a 14% chance this week. That’s some fucking Woody Math right there.

Here are your playoff scenarios heading into the final week of the season.

  • If Buckets wins, he’s in and that’s it.
  • If Vegas and PWood lose, Buckets is in and that’s in.
  • If Buckets and Vegas lose and PWood wins, Buckets and PWood tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets and PWood lose and Vegas wins, Buckets and Vegas tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • If Buckets loses and both PWood and Vegas win, Buckets, Vegas and PWood all tie for the 8th seed, where the tie-breaker is points scored.
  • Currently, the total points scored looks like this:
    • Funky Cold ‘Mendola: 1651.55
    • Wonderland VIP’s: 1620.5
    • Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: 1598.65
  • Oh right, and if Buckets, PWood, and Vegas all lose, and Brendo wins AND he scores like 350 points, Brendo gets the 8th seed.

Set your lineups and make your picks. Dallas (-3) is at Minnesota tonight. This is actually a pretty good game. Dallas is obviously good and Minnesota is either collapsing or…. collapsing. But their defense could keep them in this game. Both these teams played on Thanksgiving too, so they’ve had a full week’s rest before this game! What a concept! AND Minnesota’s Color Rush™ is actually fire emoji:

Purple on purple with that yellow? That shit is fire. And Dallas’s Color Rush™ unis aren’t bad either:

This has all the makings of a good one. So, it’s totally gonna suck!

Enjoy the games this weekend. And yes, RHYSNICE WAS WRONG.


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Any Given Rhysday

HBO just canceled Any Given Wednesday. And it looks like HBO’s got a weekly show to fill. I’d like to pitch you on a new HBO Show: Weeknights with Rhys Nice. Honestly, the show could be about whatever the fuck you want it to be. I’m just happy to do it. Here are some reason’s I’d make a good host:

  • Right off the bat, I will tell you that the one negative part of my personality is that I care too much. Let’s just get that out of the way now. Not my first rodeo. I know how interviews go.
  • I may be inexperienced, but wasn’t that the appeal of Simmons in the beginning? He was the “everyfan”. Sure he was your prototypical douchebag Masshole, but aren’t we all, a little bit? Ironically, when you become famous, hob nob with other famous people, constantly name-drop, make millions of dollars and complain about not getting respect, you stop being the relatable to everyday sports fans. But not me! I promise to stay humble.
  • I’m cheap. Simmons deal was 3 years for $20 million. I will take so much less than that. Let’s just flip that to 20 years for $3 million. I can work with that. And look at that set!

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I’ve never seen more exposed brick, finished wood and leather in my life. And what’s up with all those books? I’ll do the show from my living room. Just provide me with unlimited Miller Genuine Draft (Built in sponsor!) and dog toys. If we’re filming at my apartment, we have to keep my dog busy so he doesn’t ruin the show. I’ll even shoot the show on my iPhone.

  • I’m just as awkward on screen as Simmons is, so you don’t lose anything there. Watch this:

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That shit is captivating. What’s he gonna say? Anything? Maybe. Maybe not!!

  • Built in fan base. I have 10-15 regular readers, who are guaranteed to turn in every night. Well, most of them anyway…. I don’t know. I wouldn’t really trust them to do anything, regularly. But if I tell my mom, she’ll watch every show, I know it.
  • I’m happy to commit to the HBO requirement of showing boobs on the show. They don’t even have to be mine. But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make if budget is a concern.

So HBO, [winks and finger funs] let’s do this. I’ll be waiting by the phone.


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2017 Power Rankings – Week 8

Ugh, as if things couldn’t get any worse. Another fucking Pats loss, and to the Broncos, of all teams. Remember last year, when Brady came back from his suspension and was the MVP favorite after Week 8, even though he hadn’t played 4 games. It made sense too. He was 1st in completion percentage at 73%, and the next closest QB was Drew Brees at 69%. He was 1st in Passer Rating at 133.9, and the next closest was Matt Ryan at 115.8. He was also first in Yards per Attempt, second in Yards per game, and had thrown 12 touchdowns and ZERO interceptions. If you prorated those stats across a 16-game season, he would’ve put up 5,276 yards and 48 TDs, which was as good, if not better than the 4,806 yards and 50 touchdowns of his 2007 MVP season. But how things change in just a year. Let’s just jump into this week’s Power Rankings.

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12. Tuesdays At Specks (Last Week: 8) [Playoff Odds: 37.44%]

I had a really good time in Newport this weekend. Shout out to Timmy letting me park free at the beach. It’s pretty crazy to think that the beach is still open in November, but when the weather is still 90 degrees everyday, it makes sense to keep the parking lots going. I kinda hope the weather breaks sometime soon, it’d be weird for it to be this hot on Thanksgiving.

11. Funky Cold ‘Mendola  (Last Week: 7) [Playoff Odds: 43.48%]

While I was in town, I got to meet PWood’s new adorable kid. It’s a shame they both have to go back to work so soon. I understand that no companies really give paid leave anymore and not replacing the repealed universal healthcare with anything at all means that you’ve got bills to pay, but still.

10. #TomFuckinMaini (Last Week: 9) [Playoff Odds: 49.52%]

Well it’s a great time to be a mechanical engineer. Maini’s hard at work overseeing the building of that border wall. His motivation is high to win Toppa League again this year, since he’s yet to be paid for 7 months of work.

9. Wonderland VIP’s (Last Week: 12) [Playoff Odds: 12.44%]

It’s JeffWho’s turn to set Austin’s lineup since he got deported to Mexico in August. Woody and I warned Vegas not to go to the beach so often. He got way too tan, and look what happened. His team has doing pretty well, and everyone has stayed honest taking their turn setting his lineup. Don’t mess up what we all promised to do, JeffWho.

8. Wide Right (Last Week: 6) [Playoff Odds: 69.44%]

[——- This section of this website has been redacted by Homeland Security for expressing opinions that could be seen as harmful to the country and it’s president ——-]

7. Lance Harbor (Last Week: 10) [Playoff Odds: 52.44%]

It’s nice to see Brendo get a solid win after spending the whole week in the hospital eating that burrito with unregulated meat. But hey, at least you lost a whole bunch of weight.

6. Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (Last Week: 11) [Playoff Odds: 81.68%]

I heard that Buckets got a promotion! It makes me feel so old that I’m the same age as the Vice Principal of my old high school. That new title I’m sure comes with a nice pay bump. Of course, with the overinflation of the dollar thanks to the President just printing more money to try and fix the current financial crisis, that raise is practically worthless. But I’m sure it’s nice to feel appreciated.*

5. Princess AmukaMARY (Last Week: 5) [Playoff Odds: 63.64%]

Let’s hope Woody can work that Buckets-VP connection. With the closing of Special Education programs around the country, I’m worried our commissioner, might be commissioning full-time. He could always work at the beach, the offseason looks like it’s going to be a lot shorter.

4. Goodells a Man-gina (Last Week: 4) [Playoff Odds: 93.12%]

Man, I can’t believe JBiggs has been able to stay on top of his team after getting drafted and shipped out. I had no idea they had internet on base in Syria. It was pretty bad luck to have the draft reinstated after 44 years and then getting sent to war. But at least he’s having good luck this year with his team.

3. ErectDecker (Last Week: 3) [Playoff Odds: 96.28%]

Micho’s really been hitting the waiver wire hard. It must be all that free time since he got laid off when all that public work funding got cut.

2. Michos A Gurley-Man (Last Week: 2) [Playoff Odds: 99.24%]

While in town, I saw JeffWho working at the bar. Man, he’s always working at the bar. I know college loans have gotten out of hand, but take a break. You’re too young to be working all the time.

1. SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (Last Week: 1) [Playoff Odds: 100%]

Life in Canada is almost starting to feel normal. Man, it was really convenient that Boom Boom works for a Canadian bank, so she was able to get a job pretty easily. It took me a really long time to find a job. It meant I got to write a lot more posts, so I guess it’s not all bad. And the flight home from Toronto was wicked quick, and pretty cheap. I also went to more Red Sox games this year than the last couple combined. SkyDome sucks though.

*I made this up and it was the original joke that was the impetus for this post. Then it turned out that this was actually one of this motherfucker’s boneheaded ideas!!! It turns out that, in fact, you can’t make this shit up.

Dogshit of the Week

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This Guy. This fucking guy. He looks like my vomit on Sunday after I spent all night drinking beers and eating candy corn.

I’m getting so fucking tired of this guy. And you know why? It’s not the racism, or the sexism, or the religious intolerance, or the possible ties to Russia, or the corruption, or the bullying. It’s that he’s DUMB. I don’t want a president who claims he’s smart because he has the “best words”. You know, like: “bigly,” and “very much better,” and “very much smarter,” or sometimes he can string all those words together to make a masterful sentence, like: “No matter how good I do on something, they’ll never write good. I mean, they don’t write good. They have people over there, … they don’t write good. They don’t know how to write good.” What a wordsmith. He’s like Picasso. If Picasso wasn’t actually an impressionist painter, but was actually trying to paint pictures that looked like real life but did this instead. And when he’s not using broken english, he speaks in pure generalities, saying “Things are bad,” and “Those people don’t know what they’re doing,” and “We’re gonna make things so much better.” This motherfucker talks like a 11-year old giving a book report he didn’t read.

Can you please explain the steps you’d take to fix things in Syria?

Look, things there are bad. They’re just incredibly bad. They’re broken! And broken things need to be fixed. Because when they’re broken, it’s bad. And we don’t want it to be bad. They need to be good. And when things are fixed, it’s good, because it’s no longer bad. It’s good. So we need to go in there and fix it. Things there, look, they’re really, really bad. It needs to be fixed. They’re incredibly bad. Horrible! Things there are so bad, they need to be fixed and until they do, they’re not going to be good.

Christ, I feel like I’m drunk. I didn’t even make that up. He said that shit during the debate. What the fuck!? I’m just kidding, I made that up. But I bet you believed me!

He always says he’s gonna make things better, but never once explained how. How, motherfucker? Give me ONE plan. Just one fucking idea you have. For anything! Except the wall. We all know about that one. I can’t wait for that wall to protect me from the national debt, terrorism, climate change, medical insurance and my retirement.

Oh and he’s suuuuuch a great businessman, and he’s gonna just run the country like a business. Except every business he’s every run has failed. How the fuck do you fail at running a casino?!!?!?!?!? How do you lose all your money when the one rule of casinos is “The house always wins” and YOU’RE THE FUCKING HOUSE?!? How do you fail when every single game’s odds are in your favor?? And he bankrupted 3 of them!!! That means he went 0 for 3 on businesses that mob bosses and inexperienced Native Americans are able to make billions from. Oh but he’s reeeeaaaalll savy.

Being President is hard. You wake up everyday, literally, at your job. Think about it. Your house is your office. We all have 40-hour work weeks. The President works every second of his life, for 4 years. Every President has gone into office looking young and handsome and has come out looking 20 years older. Obama has more gray hair than my dad, and my dad is 15 years older than him. It’s the hardest job in the world. Why do you think the Secret Service guys would gladly take a bullet for the President? Because they’re happy they’re not the President! You have to know everything about everything. And it turns out, “everything” is pretty fucking complicated. You have to make wicked tough decisions. You know how sometimes you sit in front of the TV and scroll through Netflix for like 15 minutes and can’t decide what to watch, and then just go “Fuck it,” and watch Archer. Well, in this case, Netflix is the fate of the free world. And there is no Archer.

Look, voting for Hillary is like going to the gym. You may not want to do it, you may not like it, but it’s in your best interest. Or, let me put it another way: Imagine, for just one second, it won’t last that long, I promise. But imagine you’re not a fan of Tom Brady. Imagine you’re a lowly Jets fan. (Awful, I know!) To you, Tom Brady is fake. He’s annoying. He’s been around forever. He may or may not have cheated. He maybe even wrote some texts and emails that he shouldn’t have. You have varying levels of respect and/or non-respect for him. But would you, Jets fan, want Brady quarterbacking your team? Yes. You would. Would you want fucking Uncle Rico to quarterback your team???

I’m just gonna leave this here.

Set your lineups and make your picks. Atlanta (-4) takes on Tampa Bay tonight. I wish the Color Rush uniforms were the Bucs in Creamsicle orange and the Falcons in black, but sadly, we get another week of Red vs. White. It’s apple picking weekend, the Patriots are on bye.

I’ll #sticktosports next week but until then, Vote on Tuesday. Now if you excuse me, for the next 5 days I’m going to drink brown liquor and look at pictures of dogs in Halloween costumes.


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Playoffs??!?

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Is it too early to think about making the playoffs? Nope! Here are your up-to-the-minute playoff odds:

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob (6-1-0): Playoff Odds: 100%

SexyRexy&RobTheSlob CLINCH a Playoff spot IF:

  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Goodells A Man-gina BEAT Princess AmukaMARY;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Wonderland VIP’s BEAT #TomFuckinMaini;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd BEAT Wide Right;  OR
  • [✓] SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Lance Harbor BEAT Funky Cold ‘Mendola  -AND-  Michos a Gurley-Man BEAT TuesdaysAtSpecks;  OR
  • SexyRexy&RobTheSlob BEAT ErectDecker  -AND-  Funky Cold ‘Mendola BEAT Lance Harbor  -AND-  TuesdaysAtSpecks BEAT Michos a Gurley-Man

ErectDecker (5-2-0): Playoff Odds: 98.44%

Goodells A Man-gina (5-2-0): Playoff Odds: 90.6%.

Michos a Gurley-Man (4-3-0): Playoff Odds: 99.08%

Wide Right (4-3-0): Playoff Odds: 61.12%

Princess AmukaMARY (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 59.96%

#TomFuckinMaini (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 64.40%

Funky Cold ‘Mendola (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 54.16%

Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 86.12%

Lance Harbor (3-4-0): Playoff Odds: 50.12%

TuesdaysAt (2-5-0): Playoff Odds: 32.76%

Wonderland VIP’s (1-6-0): Playoff Odds: 6.72%

By tomorrow I’ll be the first team to officially claim a playoff spot, thanks to some help from Brendo and JeffWho. Of course, no first place team has yet to win the championship, so it doesn’t mean a whole lot.

The one good thing about all the crappy football this year? Since any team is bad enough to lose to any other team on any given week, there are a lot of teams sitting around .500. And it turns out when almost half the league (14 teams) is either 4-3, 4-4, or 3-4, it translates to more than half of our league being either 4-3 or 3-4. And that means no one is eliminated from playoff contention. Even Vegas still has a shot.

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