James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League

Any Given Rhysday

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HBO just canceled Any Given Wednesday. And it looks like HBO’s got a weekly show to fill. I’d like to pitch you on a new HBO Show: Weeknights with Rhys Nice. Honestly, the show could be about whatever the fuck you want it to be. I’m just happy to do it. Here are some reason’s I’d make a good host:

  • Right off the bat, I will tell you that the one negative part of my personality is that I care too much. Let’s just get that out of the way now. Not my first rodeo. I know how interviews go.
  • I may be inexperienced, but wasn’t that the appeal of Simmons in the beginning? He was the “everyfan”. Sure he was your prototypical douchebag Masshole, but aren’t we all, a little bit? Ironically, when you become famous, hob nob with other famous people, constantly name-drop, make millions of dollars and complain about not getting respect, you stop being the relatable to everyday sports fans. But not me! I promise to stay humble.
  • I’m cheap. Simmons deal was 3 years for $20 million. I will take so much less than that. Let’s just flip that to 20 years for $3 million. I can work with that. And look at that set!

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I’ve never seen more exposed brick, finished wood and leather in my life. And what’s up with all those books? I’ll do the show from my living room. Just provide me with unlimited Miller Genuine Draft (Built in sponsor!) and dog toys. If we’re filming at my apartment, we have to keep my dog busy so he doesn’t ruin the show. I’ll even shoot the show on my iPhone.

  • I’m just as awkward on screen as Simmons is, so you don’t lose anything there. Watch this:

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That shit is captivating. What’s he gonna say? Anything? Maybe. Maybe not!!

  • Built in fan base. I have 10-15 regular readers, who are guaranteed to turn in every night. Well, most of them anyway…. I don’t know. I wouldn’t really trust them to do anything, regularly. But if I tell my mom, she’ll watch every show, I know it.
  • I’m happy to commit to the HBO requirement of showing boobs on the show. They don’t even have to be mine. But that’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make if budget is a concern.

So HBO, [winks and finger funs] let’s do this. I’ll be waiting by the phone.

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