James M. Toppa Sr. Memorial Fantasy Football League


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2017 Power Ranks – Divisional Playoff Preview

Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

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Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

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Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

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Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

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Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

  • Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
  • #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
  • JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
  • Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
  • “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
  • Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
  • Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
  • WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

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After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

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It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

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Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.

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2017 Power Rankings – Week 12

It’s still November for one more day, so we’re not gonna talk about Christmas yet. I stumbled upon an amazing little Thanksgiving trick this year: The Walkthrough. You know how the day before a game, teams have practice where they just walkthrough the plays and don’t tackle or even run around. That’s what we did this year.

We go over a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and that friend hosts a lot of people who come from out of town. Since the house was filled with so many people, they cooked a big dinner on the Wednesday night. It was nothing fancy. It was just pasta and salad. But, I figured out it enabled me to get some reps in the night before the big day.

All the food was put in the exact same place as the food was going to be on Thanksgiving, including plates and silverware. So I got me some reps moving around the buffet. I made the mistake of putting too much pasta on my plate and didn’t leave enough room for salad. But on game day, I didn’t make the same mistake. It was basically like when Malcolm Butler got beat on that goal line play in practice the day before the Super Bowl, and then made the game winning interception on the exact same play. Me too. I won the Super Bowl. My plate was perfectly proportioned on Thanksgiving, with no empty spaces, but not too much overlap either. I’m going to Disneyland!

I managed to get a few practice drinks in too. Pro tip: don’t get hammered the night before Thanksgiving, unless you’re, like, 22. The food is too good to be hungover. But I did have a few drinksy drinks on Wednesday. You get to figure stuff out. Okay this is where the beer will be in the fridge. This is the guy who brought the really good beer, lemme be friends with him for tomorrow. Oh the red wine is terrible, I’ll be sure to bring a couple bottles. This stuff is important. When the bright lights come on, and the whistle blows, you gotta be prepared.

You also get to practice the seating arrangements. I sat next to this super lame guy during dinner on Wednesday. He wouldn’t stop talking about all this stupid stuff and showing me shit he saw on Facebook. So on Thursday, I made sure not to sit next to my dad.

It’s also great because I got the 10-minute catch up out of the way with a bunch of people. Thanksgiving was catch up free. It was on to meaningful conversations like the weather.

So there you go. Little life hack for you there. I just disrupted Thanksgiving as we know it.

Dog Shit of the Week

Michael Crabtree. Look, you’re in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Your team hasn’t been playing well lately. You can’t go into a big game and just start a fight and get kicked out. You’ve gotta be smarter than that. This isn’t about you, this is about your team, BigBrendoBrand. You can’t get kicked out and put up a 0, when Brendo needs you to make the playoffs. Brendo lost by 11 points, and that’s on you Michael Crabtree.

I have a few observations about this fight, which you can watch all of, here:

Michael Crabtree has been deemed as the instigator of the fight because on the play previous to the melee, he “punched Chris Harris Jr. in the stomach.” If you watch the play, he just blocks him. Like, waaaaaaay too aggressively, but I didn’t see a punch. And then it cuts to Harris Jr. being on the ground. You know what that means? Dick punch. Look, you’re a football player, you take helmets to the gut and land on your head every single play. You’re not gonna roll around like a soccer player because someone punched you in your tummy. You only get that pissed if you get punched in the cash and prizes.

Kevin Harlan during this is great. Rich Gannon is going “Oh that’s stupid. We can’t have that. Don’t do that.” Meanwhile, Harlan goes “…and we HAVE A FIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” and couldn’t be more excited about. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing lefts and rights in the booth, jumping up and down, while Rich Gannon slowly shakes his head.

Clearly the networks loved this fight too, because CBS, Fox and both RedZone channels cut to this fight too. “We bring you to Oakland now where, no both of these teams still stink, but we gots fightin!”

Michael Crabtree is fucking crazy. He sized up Aqib Talib WHO WAS WEARING A HELMET and was decides, yup, I got this, lets throw some hands.

You know shit is totally nuts if Marshawn Lynch is the one playing peacemaker.

This poor guy (watch at 1:49 to see the full force of the hit):

That’s a blown out ACL, MCL, LCL, CCL, FCL, and XCL.

And what the fuck is this guy doing (1:55)??!

Is he trying to tie his shoes together??

Week 12 #PowerRankings

After this weekend’s matchups, we have 6 teams who have clinched playoff spots and now have 3 teams eliminated from the playoffs. That means we have 3 teams left vying for 2 playoff spots.

12. Beat Micho-gan (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Look, the trifle was good. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It ended up being the perfect late-night, super-drunk, post-draft dessert. But, this season for JeffWho is like he emptied that big bowl on draft night, and then proceeded to fill it with layer after layer of shit all season long. Each week, when he set his fantasy lineup, it was like he pulled the bowl out of the fridge, dropped his pants, and squeezed out another layer. There were even some bloody poops that took the place of the strawberry layers: Weeks 6 & 7 he scored 78 and 86 points, then in Weeks 9 and 10 he scored 87 and 85 points. Gotta keep the layers even. JeffWho averaged a league-low 109 points per week, and scored the least amount of points in three different weeks. He scored more than 125 points ONCE all year. Next year’s team name: Poop Triffle

There’s also history in play. The lowest point total for the season in the history of Toppa League is 1394.70 points. Right now, JeffWho has 1285.70. My Woody math tells me, that if he fails to score 109 points this weekend against Timmy, he will be the lowest scoring team in Toppa League history. Currently, he’s projected to score 110.70 points.

11. Patsfaninthecloset (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Micho had a nice little run, winning two of his last three games. He also scored around 150 points in his last two in a row. This past weekend, he went back to his old ways, scoring only 118 points and losing by 3o points. It’s time for Micho to put in the young guys and see what he’s got to build on for next year.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (91.67% chance of making playoffs)

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over Tiger’s Wood; OR
  • Dessert First LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator*: JBiggs is pretty much in. If either of the two above scenarios happen, he clinches a playoff berth. However, if JBiggs loses AND Woody wins, there will be a 3-way tie for the final two playoff spots, with all three teams being 5-8. The seeding is then figured out with total points, where JBiggs has a 33.3 point lead on Brendo. So, as long as Woody vs. Brendo isn’t a slobberknocker, where both teams score like, 180+, AND JBiggs doesn’t put up a dud, he’d still be in. In other words:

CheesyGorditaCrunch (would also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Tiger’s Wood AND BigBrendoBrand LOSS, BUT BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is not more than 33.2 points more than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

*The Playoff Computer’s scenarios are correct, but I’m pretty sure there are some other scenarios that could unfold, and the team would still make the playoffs. These may or may not be 100% accurate, but I’ve convinced myself that they make sense, so they’re probably right. Maybe.

9. BigBrendoBrand (66.67% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So, the flipside of all the stuff I said above. Brendo basically has to try and score as many points as possible this weekend. Best case, he scores a bunch, beats Woody, and clinches a playoff spot. Best, BEST case, he scores the most points of the week, clinching a playoffs spot, but also gets a payout. Next best case, he scores a bunch, loses, but it’s enough to make up the 33.3 point difference between him and JBiggs, but in this scenario he also would need JBiggs to lose. So:

BigBrendoBrand (I think might also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A LOSS to Dessert First AND a CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is 33.4 points higher than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

OHBYTHEWAY, JBiggs owns the tie-breaker over Brendo because he beat him head-to-head in Week 8. So, if by some magical occurrence, Brendo scores exactly 33.3 more points than JBiggs this weekend, JBiggs gets the playoff spot.

8. Halftime in Cinci (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

PWood hasn’t scored less than 129 points per week since Week 4. He’s averaged 138 points per week and is going to finish in 4th place in total points scored. PWood was truly the unluckiest team of the year. He’s going to finish as the top team in points against him, by a full 10 points per week. He’s been on the receiving end of the Highest Score of the Week 3 times. And the second highest another two more times. The closest thing I can find to this is back in 2012 when JD’s team both scored and gave up 2000 points, but that team got the 8th seed and made it to the Toppa Bowl. PWood’s team is truly, historically unlucky.

Oh well, time to put in Kyle Love.

7. Dessert First (41.67% chance of making playoffs)

Dessert First CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand -AND- Tiger’s Wood LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So I’m not sure Woody needs BOTH of these things to happen. Woody has 30.35 more points on the season than Brendo. If he were to beat Brendo, and follow me on this one, then he’d still have more points than Brendo. So if Woody wins, both teams go to 5-8, and Woody gets the 8th spot over Brendo, on total points. And there’s no way he makes it if he loses, so:

Dessert First (I’m pretty sure) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

  • A WIN over BigBrendoBrand

This would be pretty insane if Woody made the playoffs. He started the season with the second lowest score of the year, and only put up 118 points the following week. He then scored the second highest score of the year. And then before last week, he had lost 5 in a row. And somehow, if he wins a game that HewittLines.co.au/nfl/fantasy/lines/week12/toppa has him favored by 5 points, he’ll make the playoffs.

Watch, Woody’s gonna get a high score of the week, get paid, make the playoffs, and then end up beating one of #Maini or Buckets’s smoke-and-mirrors, first place teams in the first round of the playoffs. How has nobody else noticed how rigged this shit is?

6. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD’s peaking just at the right time. He’s won 5 of his last 6 and he’s scored at least 150 points in five of those matchups. (That sentence is stupid. The reason it seems weird when you read it is because in one of the five games he won, JD did not happen to score 150+ points. But then last week, he did score 150+ points, but he lost. Therefore, I end up writing a sentence that is correct, but makes your head hurt when you read it. Blame JD for that.)

5. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

In the last 4 weeks, Timmy’s been incredibly inconsistent. He’s won two and lost two. In his wins, he’s averaging 162 points. In his losses, however, he’s averaged under 95 points per matchup. The good news is, if this trend continues, he’ll lose this week, in a matchup that doesn’t really matter to him, but then win the following week in the first week of the playoffs.

4. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

It was a great team win. We played well in all three phases. Overall, we did what we had to do to get that victory. We need to prepare hard during the week, so that we can get ready for the next game ahead of us. It’s all about everyone working hard, everyone contributing, everyone doing what you need to do. You do the things you need to do, so that when the time comes, you’re ready. So until then we’re just going to keep working hard and just keep looking at that next game ahead of us.

3. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

I feel like nothing sums up this weird Buckets and #Maini run more than Woody’s text updating us of our season’s payouts:

“#Maini and RalBuckets got nothing” But they’re both 9-3 and tied for first!! I don’t get it. Since Buckets changed his team name in Week 5, #Maini and Buckets are a combined 13-3. They were in the top 3 in scoring ONCE during that stretch (#Maini scored the third-most points in Week 7).

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Some more #MainiMagic and #NameChangerGameChanger stupidness: #Maini and Buckets have the 9th and 7th lowest point totals for the season. They have the least and second-least points scored against them. #Maini has an average of 117 points scored against him each week. That’s almost 16 points less than the leaguewide weekly average!

1. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Going into the final week of the regular season, Vegas is scoring a league-high 153 points per week. He won his second matchup in a row last weekend while putting up the highest score of the week. It’s the third time he’s done that this season, putting up over 195 points each time. Vegas had a little hiccup a couple weeks back, but it looks like he’s also peaking at the right time going into the playoffs.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

DeSantis Bowl!!!! With everything on the line…. for JBiggs. Back in Week 2, when I was complaining that we need a DeSantis Bowl with stakes, this is the shit I was talking about! If JBiggs wins, he clinches a playoff berth. If JD wins and #Maini, Buckets and Vegas all lose, he’ll get the number one seed. Plus, look at this line:

Dead even! They’re both projected to score 133.73 points. I love it!

But there’s an even bigger matchup this weekend. Dessert First takes on BigBrendoBrand in a game with playoff implications for both teams. This game is so big they decided to put 5th place PowerFranks Gore taking on 1st place #Brady40MainiHorny at 1pm and flex Woody and Brendo’s matchup into the Sunday Night marquis game. Woody wins, he’s in. I think. Brendo wins, he’s in. That, I’m pretty sure about. Woody wins, Brendo might be in. Shit is getting real! I might care about this matchup more than my own this weekend.

Be sure to set your lineups. Washington (-1.5) is at Dallas. Dallas is wearing their White on White ColorRush unis. The R-words are reportedly refusing to wear their all yellow ColorRush uniforms. Instead, they said, that if they wear any matching uniforms at all, it will be burgundy on burgundy. I guess Washington fears an all-yellow jersey would confuse fans into thinking they were racist towards other skin colors, and want to reassure everyone that they are explicitly racist towards Native Americans only. You don’t go against ColorRush. So you know what, Dallas +1.5.

Have a great weekend!


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 15

I’ve noticed a lot of heartfelt commercials lately. I don’t know what it is. Why do these commercials have to be so sad? Back in my day, a commercial during a football game consisted of a giant Ice Train that delivers COLD BEER and LADIES IN BIKINIS. Those were the good old days. Are they trying to make us feel bad for watching football? Are they trying to appeal to The Women? Here’s a couple examples of the ridiculous stuff I’ve been seeing during football games.

Heartfelt Message: Even referees are people too. Be nice to them.

Listen here you fucking assholes. After working a full shift delivering mail, George Mazzioni spent his Friday night driving 1 hour and 20 minutes to Pawkahassett and refereed a High School football game for $50 bucks. The guy was consistent all night and made the right call here. The receiver did not maintain possession while getting both feet in bounds. By the time he had control of the ball, his foot was out of bounds. Clearly not a catch. George went by the book. Always does. Now all he wants to do is get home to his wife and 3 kids, who have been been waiting up to see their daddy so he can tuck them in and kiss them goodnight. He wants to then have a small, kind conversation with his wife while she finishes her wine. Then after she goes to bed, he’ll open a cold Miller Light, sit in his favorite chair, put up his feet and watch a little bit of TV before he has to wake up and get back to the grind. But George can’t do that now, because his car broke down and to top it all off, it’s fucking raining. So move the fuck over Blake and Jonas. This man’s worked for everything in his life, unlike you entitled little pricks. Oh boo hoo, a call didn’t go your way for once. Well, the call doesn’t always go your way in life. Maybe you shoulda worked a little harder on your toe tapping in practice and it woulda paid off in the Big Game.

Heartfelt message: Support the troops. Gotta support the troops.

This is the most amazing logistical feat of our time. Are you kidding me? They took Christmas lights and strung together “Welcome Home Julia” that was big enough to be seen from 20,000 feet. It took me 45 minutes to string up my tree with 3 strands of lights.

And none of those strands went out?! You’re telling me that not one bulb went out and Julia’s little brother didn’t have to go through the entire length of “Home” bulb-by-bulb, taking one out and replacing it and seeing if the whole thing lit back up?

Also what if she didn’t look? How did her parents know she had an aisle seat? What if she was in the bathroom? What if she was drinking away all the fucked up shit she’d seen in the war and passed out? I’m just saying there’s a lot of moving pieces at play here.

Heartfelt message: Apple is the most amazing, inspiring, beautiful, amazing company ever.

Okay. Slow your fucking roll, Apple. Get the fuck over yourselves. Your little expressive messages are, at best, neat. I’m not wiping fucking tears away from my eyes because someone texted me “Sup.” accompanied by lasers.

And you do not need to waste a full minute of my time with some serious ass music to say “Hey, those texts you send? Now you can do even more useless shit with ’em.” Wanna know what’s “Practically Magic”? If you popped one of those balloons and there was a phone inside. And that phone had a picture of the Queen of Diamonds, which was a card that I pulled 10 minutes before you blew up that balloon and released it into the city air. Then that shit would be worth a minute of my time.

Heartfelt Message: Season’s Greetings from your friendly neighborhood bank.

Fuck that! Will the big banks never stop stealing from us?!? Where does their greed end?!! They are literally stealing the noses off of our faces! And then eating them!! Oh, then they pull into town and give out a few gifts, but that’s just a charity obligation that they can use as a tax right off. Meanwhile Frosty’s left out in the cold missing half his fucking face.

On to the weekend recap…

East Lot Championship Game

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 172.60

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 105.80

Buckets had his best game of the season and it couldn’t have come at a better time. He got great play from almost his entire team. Only Jimmy Graham (3.10), Tevin Coleman (5.60) and Barry Church (5.50) failed to score in double digits for his team. Of his other players, four (Cam Newton, Golden Tate, Jarvis Landry and the Buffalo defense) scored more than 20 points.

On the other side, JBiggs’s team was a disappointment. Only three players scored more than 10 points (Aaron Rodgers, Tahir Whitehead, and the Houston D), and A.A.Ron managed just 15.50 points, which was 10 points less than his projected score. In fact, nine of his twelve players underperformed their projected scores, and the three that managed to outscore their projections, did so by less than a point each.

West Lot Championship Game

#7 Wide Right 143.05

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 84.60

JD got 31.65 points from Russell Wilson, 20.00 points from Jonathan Stewart, 32.00 points from the Miami defense, and 15.00 points from his kicker, Dan Bailey, and that was pretty much all he needed to cruise to victory and punch his ticket to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row.

He didn’t need much more than that to beat Woody, who had a terrible weekend. In fact, those 4 players alone were enough to beat Woody by 14 points. Woody only had 2 players (Frank Gore and Steven Gostkowski) score more than their projections and not a single player on his team scored more than 19 points. Touchdown Tommy did not live up to his namesake, as TFB only scored 7.30 points and didn’t throw for a TD. Also, Woody’s three WRs combined for under 7 points, Tyler Eifert couldn’t manage 1 point, and Woody’s team defense (Green Bay, Paul Posluszny, and Khalil Mack) combined for only 20 points.

Props Over Here

  • Bryce Petty INTs: 2.5 Over (-200) / Under (+120)
  • Odell Beckham Jr has another 8-yard slant that goes for a long TD: Yes (-120) / No (+150)
  • Number of people who throw up at Christmas Eve Family Dinner after spending all day at Cappy’s watching the Pats: 0.5 Over (+300) / Under (-200)
  • That person who throws up is Brendo: +600
  • First person to show up at Cappy’s:
    • Micho (-300)
    • Vegas (-120)
    • Brendo (even)
    • Woody (+200)
    • PWood (+400)
    • Timmy (+1500)
  • Does Cappy’s have those poker chips they give you when someone buys a round? Chips (-1000) / Plastic Cups (+650)
  • A team scores under 100 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+145) / No (-120)
  • A team scores over 200 points in the Toppa Bowl: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
  • My man Scott Hanson is wearing a Santa Hat while hosting Red Zone: Yes (+400) / No (-350)
  • Did I give my family better presents than they gave me? Yes (-200) / No (+135)
  • Boom Boom will be able to wait until Christmas Day to open another present currently under our tree: Yes (+350) / No (-200)

Toppa Bowl

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This is what it all comes down to. Who will show up to Toppa Draft VII wearing a Championship Belt?

#7 Wide Right (6-7) vs #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd (5-8)

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This line is pretty exciting. A PICK in the Toppa Bowl! Two flawed but evenly matched up teams. It’s great! Right now the projected score has JD eking out a win by less than two points. The belt is up for grabs. It’s anyone championship to take home. It all comes down to who wants it more… No it doesn’t. It’s completely dumb luck at this point, but it’s still fun!

It tells you how fucking whacky fantasy football is that the combined winning percentage of the two teams in the Toppa Bowl is .423. This would be like if the Houston Texans played the Redskins in the Super Bowl this year.

But not to take anything away from these two teams (I want to take everything away from these two teams, I’m very bitter), we’re going to have a new Toppa Champion this year. JD makes it back to the Toppa Bowl for the third year in a row and the fourth time in six years. Of course, in all three trips to the Toppa Bowl, JD has come up short. In the first inaugural Toppa Bowl in 2011, he lost to Woody by 14 points. In Toppa Bowl IV, he got smashed by a different Wood, losing 169.70-116.55 to PWood. And last year, JD got the closest to tasting the Championship belt, losing by less than 7 points to #Nick.

Buckets has had even less playoff success, with only one win in three trips, until this year.

Previous Meeting: It was a pretty close matchup when these two teams met in Week 8, where Buckets ended up winning 137.20 – 129.25. In fact, the two teams were only separated by 2 points going into Monday night. Both had pretty bad days from their quarterbacks, as Cam Newton put up only 15.90 points and Russell Wilson scored an even worse 11.75. Both teams had a great day from one of their WRs: Dez Bryant scored 25.30 for JD and Michael Crabtree put up 18.80 for Buckets, but both team’s other two receivers averaged under 5 points. Both teams had solid days from their RBs and great play from their team defenses. The difference in the end, was Buckets had Gronk who scored 26.90 points. JD couldn’t keep up, with an 8.80 point day from Delanie Walker.

Key Players for Wide Right: Russell Wilson. It always comes down to quarterback play and no one has been more inconsistent lately than Hustle & Bustle Wilson. He scored 31.65 points last week, but then 9.90 points the week before. The week before that, he scored 21.75, but 11.00 the week before. And then the week before that, he scored 31.00 points. JD has to hope Wilson doesn’t keep the trend going and have a down week this week. He’s matched up against Arizona, who I can’t figure out anymore; Jonathan Stewart, who put up 20.00 points last week and is matched up against a porous Atlanta defense.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who is also matched up against that terrible Atlanta defense. Cam threw for 300 yards last week for the first time since Week 2; Jarvis Landry, who has gone for 100+ yards in back-to-back games, but is matched up against a tough Buffalo defense who is…heh fighting… haha.. for the… ha… playoffsHAHAHAHA.

One historical note, the East Lot Champion has gone on to win last two Toppa Bowls. Just one more piece of history working against JD. But maybe this is the year he breaks the streak!

Okay JD and Buckets, set your lineups. It all comes down to this. The Giants are at Philadelphia (+2.5) tonight. Most of the games are on Christmas Eve, so be sure to ignore your families and pay attention to the games. If you have to do some last minute shopping on Saturday, forget it, they didn’t need presents anyway, you’re in the Toppa Bowl. Families come and go, but glory is forever.

Everyone have a safe and awesome Christmas.


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2016 Power Rankings – Week 14

I recently saw a list of the top 10 emojis of 2016. What a better way to see how the world thought and felt during 2016. Let’s break down the list.

10. 💙 Blue Heart

Teens love the emoji and nothing is more “teen” than a Blue Heart. Ugh. “It’s like, I’m in love. But love is soooo hard, and that makes me so sad, that it, like, turns my heart blue.” You are not deep. You are not cool. Wanna know what’s cool? Paying your fucking rent.

9. 🎉 Party

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8. ✌️ Peace

Remember back in the day when you used to have epic conversations on AIM? You used to talk for like 3 and a half hours and then be like, “Awww man, my mom has to use the phone, I gotta get off the internet.” So you’d then have to say “Bye”to people (or “Peace” cuz you were super cool). Yeah that shit doesn’t exist anymore. Texts are a constant conversation. At any moment you can just start talking to someone as if you haven’t talked to them for 3 weeks. So, who are all these people actually saying “peace” to each other?

7. 👌 Aye-Okay

I assume the millennials no longer type “OK” but do the Aye-Okay emoji instead. That is some SHIT. Think about it. How many people have you seen give you the Aye-Okay finger sign in real life? And how many of them were not being sarcastic assholes? Exactly.

6. 😊 Blushing Smile

I never use this emoji. Know why? I never smile and blush at the same time. When I blush, it is a combination of panic and embarrassment. Blushing is an excruciating experience. There is no blushing + happiness. Even if I’m getting a compliment, my gut reaction is to say “Shut up,” mash the other person’s face and run away.

Also, emojipedia calls this one White Smiling Face. What kind of racist, fucked up, shit is that? You tryin’ to tell me black people don’t blush?!?

5. 💕 Double Heart

When one heart is not enough.

Maybe the millennials should cool it a bit on all the love they’re handing out. Your generation is gonna get a reputation as sluts.

4. 😘 Smooch

I do use this one. But I’ll be honest, I use it way more sending to my male friends than I do to my girlfriend. I’m not sure what that means.

3. 😂  Crying Laughing

I don’t use this one. This has replaced “LOL” and I was never a fan of that either. I’m a big “Haha” guy. I like people to know that I’m actually laughing. I also want them to know how funny I think something is. I like them to know if I think something is really fucking funny, then I give them the full “Hahahahahahahahahaha”. And if I want them to know that their shit is wack, and maybe they should workshop their jokes a little bit more, I give them the passive aggressive, “Ha.”

2. 😍 Love Eyes

I’m not gonna lie. I do use this one to express my love. Like when Boom Boom says something like, “Hey let’s go to the bar and watch sports and drink beer and eat wings.” I then send her the Love Eyes. And then the Diamond Ring. And then she doesn’t answer for a while. I then send the winking smile with tongue out. Still nothing. So I send the thinking face. Still nothing. I then send the Crying Face. Still nothing. I then send the Panic Face. Nothing. So I send the knife. And the gun. And the skull. Turns out she was on the subway.

I also use this emoji when Tom Brady is on the TV.

1. ❤️ Heart

Awwwww, isn’t that nice? The number one emoji of 2016 is a heart. That’s so sweet. No. No it’s not. Love is dead. Weren’t these people paying attention during 2016 at all??

This list is not at all correct. How the hell are these the most popular emojis of 2016. No poop emoji?!?! I doubt that. No wine glass?!?! Come on. Betches are always like:

betches

Or no clinking beers? I know the bros are always like:

bro

And no eggplant?! Or peach? Or corn on the cob? Or banana? Or melon? Or cherries? What’s the point of having food emojis if not for sexual innuendo. 2016 was definitely the year of sexual innuendo (haha, inYOURendo). I think we’ve all been a little too drunk late at night, thought about the one who got away and texted them a fried shrimp, amirite?!

By the way, I just checked my “Frequently Used” emoji. Here they are: Fire, smooch, thumbs up, football, thinking face, Waaah face, thumbs down, crying face, depressed face, other football, white blond guy raising his hand, strong arm, other Waaah face, pea soup, ramen, toilet, lightning bolt, and beer. I feel like this is a pretty accurate representation of my life.

Dog Shit of the Week

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I’m willing to own this hot take. This was the worst fantasy football weekend in the history of fantasy football. Every single team had a big name that played like shit. The average score per team was 118.71 points. #Nick and JeffWho both scored under 100 points, and #Nick didn’t even really get blown out.

56 of 96 players who started this week failed to score in double digits. If you do some Woody Math, that’s almost 60% of the starting players scored less than 10 points. More than half of the Toppa League is Dog Shit of the Week!!

Quarterbacks especially. If you don’t count the god Tom Brady, who had 47.20 points, the 7 quarterbacks who started in playoff games averaged 15.05 points. The average projection for every quarterback just under 25 points. That means that the average playoff quarterback scored almost 10 points less than he was projected. Tom Brady, once again proving that he is well above average.

But it wasn’t just that. The highest scoring players were not the ones you’d expect. Trevor Siemian, Joe Flacco and Tyrod Taylor were the third, fourth and fifth ranked QBs in Week 14. The top 15 W/R included Bilal Powell (2nd), Carlos Hyde (3rd), Chris Hogan (4th), DeSean Jackson (7th), J.J. Nelson (12th), Isaiah Crowell (13th), Marqise Lee (14th), and Adam Thielen (15th). Only four of those guys were drafted, and Carlos Hyde was the highest, and that was in the 4th round.

And your usual studs were not so studly. If you made a team of the top ranked QB (Drew Brees), the 1st, 2nd and 8th WRs (Antonio Brown, Mike Evans, and Tyrell Williams), the 4th and 13th ranked RBs (Melvin Gordon and Matt Forte), the 4th ranked TE (Jimmy Graham), and threw in the 9th ranked WR as your flex (Jamison Crowder), you’d think you’d have yourself a pretty sweet little squad, right? And you’d be right, those players were projected to score 115 points. Instead, those players combined to score 35. I obviously cherry picked a bit. But take a second to think about how bad that is. I took 8 players who were all in the top 10 (except Forte, but 13th is close enough), TWO OF WHICH WERE #1, and they combined for only 35 points. That’s fucking ridiculous!!! If you took 8 players from the Cleveland Browns* they’d combine to score 40!! What the fuck!?!?!?!?

*Seriously, Isaiah Crowell (19.80) + Robert Griffin III (12.30) + Duke Johnson Jr (5.50) + Gary Barnidge (2.70) + Corey Coleman (2.70) + Andrew Hawkins (0.40) + Tyrell Pryor (0.30) + Rannell Hall (0.00) = 43.70

Even if I was cherry picking some of the worst examples, there are still a ton of other big name guys you could choose from: Michael Crabtree (2.1), Amari Cooper (2.9), Allen Robinson (1.7), Derek Carr (6.15), Kelvin Benjamin (2.1), Jay Ajayi (6.3), Larry Fitzgerald (1.2) Russell Wilson (9.9), Dez Bryant (-1.0), DeAndre Hopkins (3.3), Brandon Marshall (3.3), Spencer Ware (6.3), Brandin Cooks (6.1).

And to make it all even worse, the guys who did have great days didn’t play in the playoffs. Of the top 10 scorers of the week, only Tom Brady (47.20), Carlos Hyde (35.00) and Aaron Rodgers (32.70) started for a playoff team. LeVeon Bell was the highest scoring player of the week, and had the 5th highest point total of the season, with 54.80 points, but is on Timmy’s last place team. To go even further only 6 of the top 25 scorers from Week 14 started for playoff teams. Timmy had two players in the top 5 (Bell and Matt Ryan). Vegas and Brendo each had 3 players in the top 25. Me, #Nick, Micho, JeffWho and Buckets had 3 players in the top 25, COMBINED.

If you wanted more examples of how pathetic this weekend was: JeffWho, #Nick, Micho, Me, JD and Buckets put up the 1st, 4th, 9th, 11th, 15th and 16th worst playoff scores IN TOPPA LEAGUE HISTORY.

goodellbsmeter

BIG. ASS. FUCKING. SIGH!!!

So we’re going to talk about this everyday on ESPN for 2 years, right? The Steelers are going to lose their first round pick, right? They’re going to be fined a million dollars, right? We’re going to launch a federal investigation about this, right? The NFL is gonna demand to see Ben Roethlisberger’s phone, right? He’s going to get a 4-game suspension, right? He’s going to appeal it and it’ll be overturned, right? Then Goodell’s gonna overturn the overturned appeal basically out of spite, right? There will be a scientific study proving that ball deflation happens naturally in cold weather based on a 175 year old scientific law, but that will be completely disregarded, right? That’d be what’s best for the “Integrity of the Shield,” right? That’d probably only be fair, right? RIGHT????

But no. The NFL has already released a statement dismissing this saying “the officiating game ball procedures were followed and there were no chain of command issues,” and “All footballs were in compliance and no formal complaint was filed by the Giants with our office.” This is bullshit legalese for “we don’t wanna go through this again, it probably was actually the cold weather but we can never admit it publicly, and our ultimate goal was to catch the Patriots and we honestly don’t care how we did it.” This is just one more hypocritical thing to add to Commissioner Fuckface’s resume.

Playoff Recap

#8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd 118.90
#1 SexyRexy&RobTheSlob 111.75

I shoulda known naming my team after the Ryan Brothers would bite me in the ass one of these days.

Coming into this weekend, Drew Brees and David Johnson were the #1 quarterback and running back in fantasy. They were projected to score a combined 46 points. Instead, they scored 19. NINETEEN! What the fuck?!!? That’s not even half!! Godmotherfuckingdammit!! Oh and Matt Forte (15.62 projected) hurt his knee in the first quarter after running the ball three times for 8 yards.

Buckets didn’t need much to beat me. He didn’t get much, either. But he did get a great Lamar Miller game (25.20) and a big ‘ol bullshit TD from Kenneth Dixon (14.10) after Matthew Slater fumbled that kickoff.

#7 Wide Right 118.70
#2 ErectDecker 110.65

Don’t worry, I wasn’t the only top ranked team to shit the bed! Micho’s best performances were from Ezekiel Elliott (17.70) and his defense (Kansas City, 18.00). Out of the other 10 players on Micho’s team, 9 of them underperformed their projections by more than 25%.

JD was able to withstand terrible performances from Russell Wilson (9.90) and DeAndre Hopkins (3.30), as well as negative points from Dez Bryant (-1.00), and still pick up the win. He got the 4th best performance of the weekend from Carlos Hyde (35.00), a great day from Zach Ertz (18.20) and solid performances from Sammy Watkins (11.40) and Jonathan Stewart (12.60).

JD’s luck continues to outdo itself. Last week’s win was the lowest winning score in Toppa League history.

#3 Goodells A Man-gina 135.60
#6 #TomFuckinMaini 98.80

Well, A.A.Ron Rodgers (32.70) showed up for class and JBiggs rode him to victory. He also got a big day from Emmanuel Sanders (23.00) and got 14.50 from Doug Martin as his Flex. His kicker and defense combined for 31.00 points.

#DemaryiusThomas (19.60) and the #ArizonaD (19.00) were the lone bright spots for #Nick. #AlexSmith (14.80) underperformed his Week 14 projections by almost 10 points. His #runningbacks combined for only 12.00 points, his TE (#LadariusGreen) only put up 2.50 points, his kicker scored just 1 point, and his #IDPs combined for 5.00 points.

#Nick’s 98.80 points was the third worst point total in a first round playoffs matchup ever.

#4 Princess AmukaMARY 164.50
#5 Michos a Gurley-Man 90.75

TFB. TFB. TFB.

In this case the “F” stands for fantasy. Tommy put up 47.20 points on Monday. That’s enough for second overall on the weekend and is almost twice his projected total. Woody got pretty much zilch from his wide receivers, as Amari Cooper, Stefon Diggs and Allen Robinson couldn’t even combine to score 11 points.The rest of his team all had great weekends, however. With the exception of Stephen Gostkowski and Khalil Mack, every other player on Woody’s team scored in double digits, most of them outscoring their projected totals. Woody’s 3 RBs combined for 52.90 points and Tyler Eifert had a nice day, scoring twice.

JeffWho put up an historically bad day. His QB, Derek Carr put up only 6.15 points, which was 30th among quarterbacks this week. Carr along with JeffWho’s 3 WRs, 2 RBs and Flex combined for under 30 points. That’s like 4 points per player. JeffWho’s score of 90.75 points is the worst total in Toppa League Playoff history.

Props Over Here

HewittBetting.lv was having issues with their site, so I couldn’t get props and lines from them this week. I had to go to The Warburton Sports Book instead.

  • Manning faces in Broncos-Pats: 1 Over (+300) / Under (-120)
  • Manning faces in Giants-Lions: 3.5 Over (-200) / Under (+135)
  • Number of “we talked about” from Phil Simms: 7.5 Over (-400) / Under (+300)
  • Minutes I watch of Jets-Dolphins: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
  • Fines accrued by Vontaze Burfict by the end of Steelers-Bengals: $100,000 Over (-150) / Under (+200)
  • Picks thrown by Russell Wilson: 1.5 Over (-150) / Under (+145)
  • Carlos Hyde >100 total yards: Yes (-120) / No (+180)
  • Micho sends a middle finger emoji to the group text on Sunday: Yes (-200) / No (+165)

This week’s matchups:

West Lot Conference Championship Game

#4 Princess AmukaMARY vs. #7 Wide Right

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Considering he’s the only team to put up more than 140 points this weekend, Woody is pretty much the favorite at the momenet. Right now, the projections have JD as a 3 point favorite, but the bookies know better. JD had the softest win in Toppa League playoff history, and Woody is coming off shellacking JeffWho by 73 points.

Previous Matchup: In Week 4, Woody beat JD pretty soundly, 149.40 – 111.30. Woody was stuck playing Trevor Siemian (9.40), since TFB was still serving his sentence. Woody got a huge day from A.J. Green (32.30), DeMarco Murray (22.90), and Martellus Bennett (18.90), but also got 10 points from each of his IDPs.

JD’s 3 wide receivers barely managed to combine over 10 points, and no one besides the Los Angeles (22.00) defense really had an awesome game for his squad.

Key Players for Princess AmukaMARY: Tommy. Always and forever.

Key Players for Wide Right: Carlos Hyde had 35 points last week. He’s going to have to keep having games like that if JD’s going to have a shot. Unfortunately, Hyde isn’t playing the Jets again this week, but he does play Atlanta, who don’t really play defense; Sammy Watkins back? And he’s in Cleveland; Russell Wilson couldn’t play any worse than he did last week.

East Lot Conference Championship Game

#3 Goodells A Man-gina vs. #8 Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd

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JBiggs feels like he should be a bigger favorite here. He’s won 5 in row now and managed to put up a decent score last week. Buckets is pulling this all off with smoke and mirrors.

Previous Matchup: JBiggs was on a four game winning streak until he lost to Buckets in Week 5, 136.75-108.25. Buckets’s season was heading in a different direction as he’d only picked up his first win of the season the week before.

JBiggs got a decent game from A.A.Ron Rodgers (22.45) and a good game from Brandon Marshall (24.40) and that was about it. No one else on his team even scored in double digits.

Meanwhile Buckets had bad games from his QB and WRs, but had a stud performance from Tevin Coleman (31.30) and Gronk (17.90), and had solid days from the rest of his team, who all pretty much scored in double digits.

Key Players for Goodells A Man-gina: I mean, I hate to say it, but it’s A.A.Ron again. He’s averaging 37 fantasy points per game in the last 8 weeks; Doug Martin, who since coming back from injury has scored 10+ points per game in 4 out of 5 games.

Key Players for Dr.MarkusWheatonBlvd: Cam Newton, who has completed less than 50% of his passes in his last 4 games and has sucked, fantasy-wise, in his last 2, but he’s matched up against a bad Native Americans secondary, and is playing on Monday night, and Cam, if nothing, loves the spotlight; Lamar Miller, who went for 107 yards and a TD last week and is the only good player left on the Texans.

I don’t want to jinx it, but there’s a potential for a DeSantis Bowl Toppa Bowl. I know that’s the matchup the networks are rooting for. Three time Toppa Bowl loser vs. his brother! The ratings would be huge! So many storylines. Who does Mom root for? Who does Dad root for? Who does PWood root for?

Okay Woody, JBiggs, JD and Buckets set your lineups. The Seahawks(-15.5) take on the Rams in Seattle. The Rams are in those white on whites, but OH SHIT, check out the new helmet decal:

rams-white-helmet-f

That shit is flames emoji. Well done. The Seahawks on the other hand, are playing in EctoCooler Green:

seahawks-green-color-rush-12-14-16

And Seattle, because they’re the most fucking obnoxious fanbase in the world, love it! I saw dudes wearing a “12” Color Rush jersey in Week 1. The whole stadium is gonna get into it:

Barf City. There’s also a game on Saturday night! The Jets play the Dolphins (-2), and I really could give less fucks.

Good luck to the Final Four. I hope you don’t make shirts this year, because I won’t get one. And that makes me feel 😢.