It’s still November for one more day, so we’re not gonna talk about Christmas yet. I stumbled upon an amazing little Thanksgiving trick this year: The Walkthrough. You know how the day before a game, teams have practice where they just walkthrough the plays and don’t tackle or even run around. That’s what we did this year.

We go over a friend’s house for Thanksgiving dinner, and that friend hosts a lot of people who come from out of town. Since the house was filled with so many people, they cooked a big dinner on the Wednesday night. It was nothing fancy. It was just pasta and salad. But, I figured out it enabled me to get some reps in the night before the big day.

All the food was put in the exact same place as the food was going to be on Thanksgiving, including plates and silverware. So I got me some reps moving around the buffet. I made the mistake of putting too much pasta on my plate and didn’t leave enough room for salad. But on game day, I didn’t make the same mistake. It was basically like when Malcolm Butler got beat on that goal line play in practice the day before the Super Bowl, and then made the game winning interception on the exact same play. Me too. I won the Super Bowl. My plate was perfectly proportioned on Thanksgiving, with no empty spaces, but not too much overlap either. I’m going to Disneyland!

I managed to get a few practice drinks in too. Pro tip: don’t get hammered the night before Thanksgiving, unless you’re, like, 22. The food is too good to be hungover. But I did have a few drinksy drinks on Wednesday. You get to figure stuff out. Okay this is where the beer will be in the fridge. This is the guy who brought the really good beer, lemme be friends with him for tomorrow. Oh the red wine is terrible, I’ll be sure to bring a couple bottles. This stuff is important. When the bright lights come on, and the whistle blows, you gotta be prepared.

You also get to practice the seating arrangements. I sat next to this super lame guy during dinner on Wednesday. He wouldn’t stop talking about all this stupid stuff and showing me shit he saw on Facebook. So on Thursday, I made sure not to sit next to my dad.

It’s also great because I got the 10-minute catch up out of the way with a bunch of people. Thanksgiving was catch up free. It was on to meaningful conversations like the weather.

So there you go. Little life hack for you there. I just disrupted Thanksgiving as we know it.

Dog Shit of the Week

Michael Crabtree. Look, you’re in the middle of a fight for the playoffs. Your team hasn’t been playing well lately. You can’t go into a big game and just start a fight and get kicked out. You’ve gotta be smarter than that. This isn’t about you, this is about your team, BigBrendoBrand. You can’t get kicked out and put up a 0, when Brendo needs you to make the playoffs. Brendo lost by 11 points, and that’s on you Michael Crabtree.

I have a few observations about this fight, which you can watch all of, here:

Michael Crabtree has been deemed as the instigator of the fight because on the play previous to the melee, he “punched Chris Harris Jr. in the stomach.” If you watch the play, he just blocks him. Like, waaaaaaay too aggressively, but I didn’t see a punch. And then it cuts to Harris Jr. being on the ground. You know what that means? Dick punch. Look, you’re a football player, you take helmets to the gut and land on your head every single play. You’re not gonna roll around like a soccer player because someone punched you in your tummy. You only get that pissed if you get punched in the cash and prizes.

Kevin Harlan during this is great. Rich Gannon is going “Oh that’s stupid. We can’t have that. Don’t do that.” Meanwhile, Harlan goes “…and we HAVE A FIGHT ON THE OTHER SIDE!!!” and couldn’t be more excited about. I wouldn’t be surprised if he was throwing lefts and rights in the booth, jumping up and down, while Rich Gannon slowly shakes his head.

Clearly the networks loved this fight too, because CBS, Fox and both RedZone channels cut to this fight too. “We bring you to Oakland now where, no both of these teams still stink, but we gots fightin!”

Michael Crabtree is fucking crazy. He sized up Aqib Talib WHO WAS WEARING A HELMET and was decides, yup, I got this, lets throw some hands.

You know shit is totally nuts if Marshawn Lynch is the one playing peacemaker.

This poor guy (watch at 1:49 to see the full force of the hit):

That’s a blown out ACL, MCL, LCL, CCL, FCL, and XCL.

And what the fuck is this guy doing (1:55)??!

Is he trying to tie his shoes together??

Week 12 #PowerRankings

After this weekend’s matchups, we have 6 teams who have clinched playoff spots and now have 3 teams eliminated from the playoffs. That means we have 3 teams left vying for 2 playoff spots.

12. Beat Micho-gan (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Look, the trifle was good. I was actually surprised at how much I enjoyed it. It ended up being the perfect late-night, super-drunk, post-draft dessert. But, this season for JeffWho is like he emptied that big bowl on draft night, and then proceeded to fill it with layer after layer of shit all season long. Each week, when he set his fantasy lineup, it was like he pulled the bowl out of the fridge, dropped his pants, and squeezed out another layer. There were even some bloody poops that took the place of the strawberry layers: Weeks 6 & 7 he scored 78 and 86 points, then in Weeks 9 and 10 he scored 87 and 85 points. Gotta keep the layers even. JeffWho averaged a league-low 109 points per week, and scored the least amount of points in three different weeks. He scored more than 125 points ONCE all year. Next year’s team name: Poop Triffle

There’s also history in play. The lowest point total for the season in the history of Toppa League is 1394.70 points. Right now, JeffWho has 1285.70. My Woody math tells me, that if he fails to score 109 points this weekend against Timmy, he will be the lowest scoring team in Toppa League history. Currently, he’s projected to score 110.70 points.

11. Patsfaninthecloset (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

Micho had a nice little run, winning two of his last three games. He also scored around 150 points in his last two in a row. This past weekend, he went back to his old ways, scoring only 118 points and losing by 3o points. It’s time for Micho to put in the young guys and see what he’s got to build on for next year.

10. CheesyGorditaCrunch (91.67% chance of making playoffs)

CheesyGorditaCrunch CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over Tiger’s Wood; OR
• Dessert First LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator*: JBiggs is pretty much in. If either of the two above scenarios happen, he clinches a playoff berth. However, if JBiggs loses AND Woody wins, there will be a 3-way tie for the final two playoff spots, with all three teams being 5-8. The seeding is then figured out with total points, where JBiggs has a 33.3 point lead on Brendo. So, as long as Woody vs. Brendo isn’t a slobberknocker, where both teams score like, 180+, AND JBiggs doesn’t put up a dud, he’d still be in. In other words:

CheesyGorditaCrunch (would also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A LOSS to Tiger’s Wood AND BigBrendoBrand LOSS, BUT BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is not more than 33.2 points more than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

*The Playoff Computer’s scenarios are correct, but I’m pretty sure there are some other scenarios that could unfold, and the team would still make the playoffs. These may or may not be 100% accurate, but I’ve convinced myself that they make sense, so they’re probably right. Maybe.

9. BigBrendoBrand (66.67% chance of making playoffs)

BigBrendoBrand CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So, the flipside of all the stuff I said above. Brendo basically has to try and score as many points as possible this weekend. Best case, he scores a bunch, beats Woody, and clinches a playoff spot. Best, BEST case, he scores the most points of the week, clinching a playoffs spot, but also gets a payout. Next best case, he scores a bunch, loses, but it’s enough to make up the 33.3 point difference between him and JBiggs, but in this scenario he also would need JBiggs to lose. So:

BigBrendoBrand (I think might also) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A LOSS to Dessert First AND a CheesyGorditaCrunch LOSS AND BigBrendoBrand’s Week 13 point total is 33.4 points higher than CheesyGorditaCrunch’s Week 13 point total

OHBYTHEWAY, JBiggs owns the tie-breaker over Brendo because he beat him head-to-head in Week 8. So, if by some magical occurrence, Brendo scores exactly 33.3 more points than JBiggs this weekend, JBiggs gets the playoff spot.

8. Halftime in Cinci (ELIMINATED from Playoffs)

PWood hasn’t scored less than 129 points per week since Week 4. He’s averaged 138 points per week and is going to finish in 4th place in total points scored. PWood was truly the unluckiest team of the year. He’s going to finish as the top team in points against him, by a full 10 points per week. He’s been on the receiving end of the Highest Score of the Week 3 times. And the second highest another two more times. The closest thing I can find to this is back in 2012 when JD’s team both scored and gave up 2000 points, but that team got the 8th seed and made it to the Toppa Bowl. PWood’s team is truly, historically unlucky.

Oh well, time to put in Kyle Love.

7. Dessert First (41.67% chance of making playoffs)

Dessert First CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over BigBrendoBrand -AND- Tiger’s Wood LOSS

RhysNice’s wacky playoff scenario calculator: So I’m not sure Woody needs BOTH of these things to happen. Woody has 30.35 more points on the season than Brendo. If he were to beat Brendo, and follow me on this one, then he’d still have more points than Brendo. So if Woody wins, both teams go to 5-8, and Woody gets the 8th spot over Brendo, on total points. And there’s no way he makes it if he loses, so:

Dessert First (I’m pretty sure) CLINCH a Playoff spot with:

• A WIN over BigBrendoBrand

This would be pretty insane if Woody made the playoffs. He started the season with the second lowest score of the year, and only put up 118 points the following week. He then scored the second highest score of the year. And then before last week, he had lost 5 in a row. And somehow, if he wins a game that HewittLines.co.au/nfl/fantasy/lines/week12/toppa has him favored by 5 points, he’ll make the playoffs.

Watch, Woody’s gonna get a high score of the week, get paid, make the playoffs, and then end up beating one of #Maini or Buckets’s smoke-and-mirrors, first place teams in the first round of the playoffs. How has nobody else noticed how rigged this shit is?

6. Tiger’s Wood (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

JD’s peaking just at the right time. He’s won 5 of his last 6 and he’s scored at least 150 points in five of those matchups. (That sentence is stupid. The reason it seems weird when you read it is because in one of the five games he won, JD did not happen to score 150+ points. But then last week, he did score 150+ points, but he lost. Therefore, I end up writing a sentence that is correct, but makes your head hurt when you read it. Blame JD for that.)

5. FuseLitHugeDick (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

In the last 4 weeks, Timmy’s been incredibly inconsistent. He’s won two and lost two. In his wins, he’s averaging 162 points. In his losses, however, he’s averaged under 95 points per matchup. The good news is, if this trend continues, he’ll lose this week, in a matchup that doesn’t really matter to him, but then win the following week in the first week of the playoffs.

4. PowerFranks Gore (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

It was a great team win. We played well in all three phases. Overall, we did what we had to do to get that victory. We need to prepare hard during the week, so that we can get ready for the next game ahead of us. It’s all about everyone working hard, everyone contributing, everyone doing what you need to do. You do the things you need to do, so that when the time comes, you’re ready. So until then we’re just going to keep working hard and just keep looking at that next game ahead of us.

3. Finding Foerster (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

I feel like nothing sums up this weird Buckets and #Maini run more than Woody’s text updating us of our season’s payouts:

“#Maini and RalBuckets got nothing” But they’re both 9-3 and tied for first!! I don’t get it. Since Buckets changed his team name in Week 5, #Maini and Buckets are a combined 13-3. They were in the top 3 in scoring ONCE during that stretch (#Maini scored the third-most points in Week 7).

2. #Brady40MainiHorny (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Some more #MainiMagic and #NameChangerGameChanger stupidness: #Maini and Buckets have the 9th and 7th lowest point totals for the season. They have the least and second-least points scored against them. #Maini has an average of 117 points scored against him each week. That’s almost 16 points less than the leaguewide weekly average!

1. Spoiler Alert (CLINCHED Playoff Berth)

Going into the final week of the regular season, Vegas is scoring a league-high 153 points per week. He won his second matchup in a row last weekend while putting up the highest score of the week. It’s the third time he’s done that this season, putting up over 195 points each time. Vegas had a little hiccup a couple weeks back, but it looks like he’s also peaking at the right time going into the playoffs.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

DeSantis Bowl!!!! With everything on the line…. for JBiggs. Back in Week 2, when I was complaining that we need a DeSantis Bowl with stakes, this is the shit I was talking about! If JBiggs wins, he clinches a playoff berth. If JD wins and #Maini, Buckets and Vegas all lose, he’ll get the number one seed. Plus, look at this line:

Dead even! They’re both projected to score 133.73 points. I love it!

But there’s an even bigger matchup this weekend. Dessert First takes on BigBrendoBrand in a game with playoff implications for both teams. This game is so big they decided to put 5th place PowerFranks Gore taking on 1st place #Brady40MainiHorny at 1pm and flex Woody and Brendo’s matchup into the Sunday Night marquis game. Woody wins, he’s in. I think. Brendo wins, he’s in. That, I’m pretty sure about. Woody wins, Brendo might be in. Shit is getting real! I might care about this matchup more than my own this weekend.

Be sure to set your lineups. Washington (-1.5) is at Dallas. Dallas is wearing their White on White ColorRush unis. The R-words are reportedly refusing to wear their all yellow ColorRush uniforms. Instead, they said, that if they wear any matching uniforms at all, it will be burgundy on burgundy. I guess Washington fears an all-yellow jersey would confuse fans into thinking they were racist towards other skin colors, and want to reassure everyone that they are explicitly racist towards Native Americans only. You don’t go against ColorRush. So you know what, Dallas +1.5.

Have a great weekend!