Well, it’s Christmastyme again because the FEEEEEEEEDD THAAAA WOOOOOOOOOOORRRRLLLDDD gang is telling me four times a day. If you’re anything like me, that makes your anxiety go from 0 to 100 in the time it takes those jingle bells to ring. Presents! And of course, I’m not talking about the ones I’ll be getting. Although, you could argue that stresses me out too. What do I want? To not go to work, and drink beer all day. Can you put that under the tree?

No, my anxiety comes from trying to find presents for everyone in my family. Mom, Dad, Boom Boom, my brother and his ever increasing brood, the dog and then I pulled Uncle Bob in Secret Santa. That’s a lot of shit to buy.

But don’t worry. I got you. I present to you the Toppa Blog Gift Guide. Here are some ideas for you to get that special someone or maybe your favorite blogger:

Basketball and Other Things by Shea Serrano

Buy this for: The person who loves Basketball, or even someone who just kinda likes basketball.

Two years ago in a post when I ranked White Elephant gifts, I recommended Shea’s previous book, The Rap Yearbook. And I’m gonna recommend his new book this year. I just love this guy. Come on, there’s 3 chapters in this book dedicated to the first round of the fictional basketball player draft. That’s awesome.

F*ck That’s Delicious: An Annotated Guide to Eating Well by Action Bronson

Buy this for: The person who loves to cook, while being baked.

If you’ve watched the Viceland channel for like 10 minutes you’ve seen a show with Action Bronson. He’s got like seven. F*ck That’s Delicious is the best one. It’s like the stoner version of Parts Unknown. Who do you trust more to tell you about food than I fat guy who used to be a chef and smokes a ton of weed? I can’t think of anyone.

Man candles

Buy this for: Someone who stinks.

Does your friend’s man cave smell more like a bear cave? It time to replace the old lady’s frilly, floral scents with stuff like bacon, campfires and fresh cut grass.

Slippers

Buy this for: The person looking to upgrade their “chilling around the house” game.

If you’re not wearing slippers, you’re not living your best life. I used to think of slippers as an old man accessory, and maybe they are. But all those years of experience translates into some smarts. Slippers keep your little tozies warm will sitting on the couch, but still allow you take out the trash or walk the dog without worrying about putting on shoes. Plus, taking off your work shoes, throwing on some slippity slipps, and pouring yourself a drink makes all the day’s stress melt away. What a gift!

Ugly Sweater

Buy this for: The ultimate Pats fan.

I don’t actually think this is that ugly. I mean, if Gronk doesn’t look that bad in it, neither will you. Holy shit, this thing is $80! Maybe don’t buy this.

Also, I think we should make the coaches and players wear these on the sidelines during December. We have to put up with fatigues for an entire month. Why not lighten up the mood down there a bit? I’d love to see Mike Tomlin yelling at the refs in a Yellow and Black plaid, Steelers sweater.

Trinken

Buy this for: The dog park drinker.

What a genius idea! Now you can take your beer anywhere. The dog park. The beach. The park with your kids. Work.

Fun Socks

Buy this for: The person who wears black Nike socks with a brown suit.

I talked about this a bit last week. When you get a job and wear the same goddamn version of chinos and dress shirt every damn day, you need something to mix it up. Socks are the answer. I may be your corporate drone, but I still have my freedom in the form of crazy, striped socks!

If it’s someone you really care about, get them Stance socks. Holy shit these socks are comfy. These socks are like going from watching a 12″ black & white TV to a 60″ in 4K High Definition.

Toppa Hoodie

Get this for: Everyone!

Everyone can use a Toppa Hoodie! Moms, Dads, Wives, Girlfriends, Side-pieces, Brothers, Sisters, Stepbrothers, Shunned third DeSantis brothers, Kids (they come in XS, sure), Pets, Best Friends, Estranged Friends, Imaginary Friends, Frenemies, Postal Workers, Coworkers, Bosses, Hobos on the street. This Christmas, give the gift of the finest luxury threads for only $59.99.

What you won’t see on this list is Google Home and/or Amazon Alexa. I’m calling it now. One, some, or all of you will get one of these for Christmas. These are going to be this year’s IT gift. And so we’re all going to spend the next two weeks after Christmas going over people’s houses and listening to them go “Alexa, play Drake.” Okay, what would you like to bake? “No, Alexa, play Pandora music Drake.” Okay playing radio station about cake. And then Rihanna’s ‘Birthday Cake’ plays, and you’ll all be like “Fuck it, close enough.” Welcome to the Christmas of “Fuck it, close enough.” It’s also going to be the Christmas of saying “It does a lot of stuff, you know, like, you can ask it the weather.” Congrats we all have a pet robot that tells us the weather.

I watch too much Mr. Robot to trust that shit. Oh, a microphone that’s ALWAYS listening and is connected to the internet and potentially controls everything in my house. “Okay Google, give me all of Rhys’s bank passwords.” I think I’ll pass.

This weeks level: Can I get 5 more years of this bullshit?

Welp, the Ginger Hammer finally got that contract extension. So we all get to look forward to 5 more years of irrational suspensions and even more convoluted and complicated rules.

Unfortunately (for me), there is no better master of the take than PFT Commenter, so I’m just going to leave it up to him:

Dog Shit of the Week

Brandin Cooks and Stefon Diggs. One point. Not even one point. 0.7 points! That’s all Woody needed to beat Brendo and make the playoffs. That’s 4 yards each. That’s rough. So Woody ended up falling one point short of making the playoffs and has missed the playoffs for the first time in his Toppa career.

I’d say Tom Brady too, since he only scored 10.90 points, but he’s undogshittable.

Props over here

Before we jump into this week’s playoff matchups, let’s go through some prop bets for this weekend, brought to you by Hewitt Casinos and Resorts. Remember, if you’re gambling, you’re not doing it, unless your fuse is lit.

• Boom Boom buys me anything on the above list: Yes (+350) / No (-550)
• #Nick gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (-150) / No (+300)
• JD gets too drunk at his company Christmas party: Yes (+300) / No (-175)
• My company has a Christmas party: Yes (+800) / No (-475)
• Antonio Brown >100 Yards Receiving (-150)
• “Carson Wentz: MVP?” conversations on Sunday Morning NFL Pregame Shows: 3.5 Over (-300) / Under (+250)
• Playoff Teams to score under 100 points: 0.5 Over (+200) / Under (-450)
• Playoff Teams to score over 200 points: 0.5 Over (+500) / Under (-650)
• WWIII starts: Yes (+400) / No (-900)

Playoff Matchups

#1 Finding Foerster (10-3) vs. #8 BigBrendoBrand (6-7)

After sneaking into the playoffs as the 8th seed last year, Buckets enters this year’s playoffs as the #1 seed overall. He’s been on a revenge tour all year after losing last year’s Toppa Bowl. Has he figured out a new winning formula? Buckets was the top scoring team in both the ‘13 and ‘14 seasons, but got nothing from it. Now he’s the one of the lower scoring teams in the playoffs but has the best record. Is he trying to Trent Dilfer his way to the Toppa League title?

Meanwhile Brendo entered the preseason as the number one PowerRanked team. He had a few weeks at the top, but faltered late in the season. He was able to grab the final playoff spot with a win over Woody last week. But, the playoffs are a brand new season, and Brendo’s hoping he can recreate Bucket’s magic of getting to the Toppa Bowl as the 8th seed, starting with Bucket’s himself.

Previous Matchup: Brendo and Buckets have met twice this season and both times, Buckets came away with the W. In the opening week of the season, Mike Gillislee (remember him?) ran for 3 touchdowns and Matt Stafford threw for another 4, as Buckets rolled to a 44 point victory, 155.20 to 111.25. They didn’t meet again until 11 weeks later, but the result was the same. Buckets had switched up his QB and RB at this point, as Carson Wentz and Tevin Coleman combined for 54 points. The contest was much closer this time, but Buckets still pulled out the win, 141.65 to 130.45.

Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who put up 31 points last week and is averaging 11.5 points since the beginning of November, but he’s going up against a now staunch Patriots defense that I never doubted, not once, during this season. Like, most of the Philadelphia Eagles, who are coming off a bad loss and matched up against a good Rams defense. Buckets has Carson Wentz, Alshon Jeffery, and Jay Ajayi. Wentz has been a fucking stud this year. He’s the 4th highest scoring player in fantasy. His lowest point total was 17 points, and he’s scored more than 30 points five times. I’d also be remiss if I didn’t mention the Jacksonville defense. They’re the top scoring defense in fantasy, have scored 20 or more points 7 times this season, and are averaging 22 points per week.

Key Players for BigBrendoBrand: Rex Burkhead, who is coming off of a 23.30-point game, has 3 TDs in his last 4 games and is averaging 14.4 points during that span. Case Keenum. Bare with me. I’m shocked by this too. Keenum has at least 280 and 2TDs in each of his last 5 games. But he’s going up against a Carolina defense that has only given up 280 yards three times. Brendo also gets Michael Crabtree back from suspension this week, and he’s matched up against the Kansas City defense which has given up the second most fantasy points to WRs this season.

#2 #Brady40MainiHorny (10-3) vs. #7 CheesyGorditaCrunch (6-7)

It’s time to see if #MainiMagic is for real. Like really real. #Nick is the third-lowest scoring team in the playoffs. If he doesn’t get what he’s been getting all season, which is to say, teams score the least against him than any other team, he’s going to be in real trouble. But he’s been able to do it all season, getting the points he needs from every position on the field. Is there enough #magic to win his second belt in three years?

JBiggs clinched one of the final playoff spots last weekend with a big blowout win over his brother. Now he’s hoping that win will provide some momentum to carry over into the playoffs. Although JBiggs has a losing record, he’s got the fifth highest scoring team in the league, which could provide some trouble for #Nick’s team.

Previous Matchup: #Nick and JBiggs didn’t play until Week 10 of this season. When they finally did, everyone lost. Neither team managed to break a hundred points in the second lowest scoring matchup of the year. It’s hard to pick out the best players for each team, because there really weren’t any. Neither team had a single player score 20 points or more. JBiggs had 9 players fail to score 10 points, when #Nick had 8. That’s basically the reason he ended up winning. Let’s hope this week’s matchup isn’t a repeat of Week 10.

Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who was averaging 30 points per week through his first 6 games. In his last 4 games, he’s averaging 8.76 points, including -0.75 points 3 weeks ago. He’s matched up against a terrible Giants team who has given up the most fantasy points to quarterbacks this season. Keenan Allen, who has been a monster his last three games, putting up 35, 33 and 23 points. LeSean McCoy, who has the potential for big games (he’s put up 21, 33, and 32 since Week 6) but also has the potential to put up a stinker (he’s scored 2.50, 5, and 8 in that same stretch).

Key Players for CheesyGorditaCrunch: Le’Veon Bell who is coming off another monster week last week, grabbing 106 yards receiving with a TD and adding on another 76 yards rushing. Bell is the only other non-QB player, besides Antonio Brown and Todd Gurley, to be in the top 25 in fantasy points this season. Drew Brees has not been his stat-padding self this year. Sure, he’s got four games with 30+ points, but in five of his last eight games he’s scored under 20.

#3 Spoiler Alert (9-4) vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick (7-6)

Loogit that spread! Vegas brings his top scoring offense into the playoffs after scoring 190 points in his last two matchups. Vegas is scoring more than 169 points per week, which is 11 points better than the next best team.

Meanwhile, Timmy is scoring the second-lowest amount of points out of any team in the playoffs. He lost last week to JeffWho’s terrible team, putting up only 116 points in the process. A 25-point blowout is definitely in play.

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Timmy put a beat down on Vegas, smushing him 154.35 to 106.85. Everything went right for Timmy, as 8 of his starting 12 players scored in double digits. DeMarco Murray, Philip Rivers, and Emmanuel Sanders each scored 20+ points, and Golden Tate and Marquise Lee combined for another 32.20 points. On the other side, everything went wrong for Vegas. Eight of his players failed to score 9 points. With the exception of Dion Lewis, who had a nice day (17.50 points), all of his skill players (2 RBs, 3 WRs, & TE) combined for a total of 23.20 points.

Key Players for Spoiler Alert: Antonio Brown, who is the best non-QB player in fantasy right now. He’s scored over 100 total points in his last three games alone! Tyreek Hill, who is this year’s DeSean Jackson, in that he is the epitome of Boom-or-Bust. He’s scored double-digit fantasy points 6 times this year, including a 44.50-point game last week, but has yet to do it in back-to-back weeks. Unfortunately, it’s not like he puts up okay numbers in those off weeks. In the weeks he doesn’t score double-digit points, he’s only averaging 4.42 points per game. Rob Gronkowski, who is suspended for dropping the People’s Elbow on a guy’s head, but forgetting to remove his elbow armor beforehand. Gronk is the second highest scoring fantasy TE in the league this year. This will be big for Vegas.

Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Phil Rivers, who is having yet another great fantasy season. He’s the number six fantasy player overall this year. Emmanuel Sanders, who, with the exception of that Week 10 matchup with Vegas when he scored 20 points, has had an extremely disappointing season. He’s scored under 4 points six times this season. Jamaal Williams, who has had the hot hand for Green Bay lately, scoring over 25 points in each of his last two games.

#4 Tiger’s Wood (8-5) vs. #5 PowerFranks Gore (8-5)

I’d feel much more comfortable coming into this matchup as an underdog. I like my team and everything, but JD has the second highest scoring team in the league. He scored a season-high 221 points in Week 8.

We’re each coming off one of our worst losses of the season, last week. I’m not sure what this means. I’m so nervous I think I’m gonna pass out.

Previous Matchup: In Week 5, JD beat me soundly, 143.80 to 109.65. Let’s pour out a little bit for Deshaun Watson, who put up a league-high 53.10 points that week. No one else on my team showed up that week, as 8 of my players scored only 5 points or less. JD’s team, on the other hand, played well. Melvin Gordon scored 35.30 points, while Odell Beckham and Kareem Hunt combined for 38.10 points.

Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who’s the top scoring player in all of fantasy. Wilson scored 8.90 points in Week 1 and since then has scored over 50 twice, over 40 twice, over 30 twice, and had three other games of 25 or more. Kareem Hunt, who started off the year as the best player in the league. He averaged 37 points per week in the first 3 weeks of the season. But since week 8, he’s averaged only 6.10 points per week.

Key Players for PowerFranks Gore: Todd Gurley II and Alvin Kamara. My team has gone through many different iterations, but now it has become Exotic Smashmouth. Gurley and Kamar are the 2nd and 4th highest scoring non-QB players in the league. Kirk Cousins. I hate that my season comes down to this guy. Cousins is somehow the 5th best fantasy QB in the league, and I want to duct tape him to a rocket and fire him into the sun. Cousins has 6 games of 30 or more points, including 47.45 in Week 3 and 45.10 in Week 6, but also has 4 games where he couldn’t even score 14 points.

Weekend Matchups to look out for:

All of em! It’s the playoffs.

Be sure to set your lineups. Except for JD. What are you doing?! Take care of your child. Don’t waste your time setting your lineup when you should be rearing your child. New Orleans (+2.5) is at Atlanta. For ColorRush, New Orleans is going to be in White on White (with a gold helmet? meh) and Hotlanta will be in all red. Good. ColorRush should be all Christmas colors from now on. Red vs. White. White vs. Red. Red vs Green. If I can’t get the ugly sweater thing going, at least we can do this.

Have a good weekend. Now taking orders for Toppa Hoodies.