At least I made it to the playoffs. This week’s playoff matchups were pretty crazy. In a year when the weekly team average score was 10 points less than the last 5 years, this week’s 4 winning teams scored an average of 173 points. My team did not score 173 points. Plus I broke my phone on Sunday. Not a good weekend.
Tonight’s game features the 4-9 Denver Broncos traveling to Indianapolis to play the 3-10 Colts (+2.5). This is a truly, truly terrible game. You’re better off stabbing yourself in the eyes so that you don’t accidentally watch a minute of this game. Not even the fact that these teams will be in all of their ColorRush glory helps; The Broncos will be wearing all orange with the old school “D” decal on their helmets:
Meanwhile the Colts will be in all blue:
And as great as the sight of these uniforms will be, you will still have to watch some ugly, ugly, awful football. My recommendation is to not watch this game, BUT if you have to, I think I’ve come up with a way to make this more tolerable. I present to you the Week 15 Thursday Night Football Drinking Game:
- If you have a fantasy player starting in this game: finish your drink
- Everyone in the room has to guess what channel the game is on, and the first person to guess it correctly doesn’t have to drink while everyone else takes a drink
- Everyone in the room has to take a drink if anyone can figure out how to watch this game on Amazon
- Trevor Siemian throws an interception: take a drink
- Paxton Lynch throws an interception: take 2 drinks
- Brock Osweiler puts his helmet on: take 3 drinks
- Brock Osweiler throws a pass: take 4 drinks
- Brock Osweiler throws an interception: finish your drink
- Brock Osweiler leads a game winning drive: finish your drink, take out another drink and shotgun it
- Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about Tom Brady: take a drink
- Jacoby Brisset makes a great play and it makes you think about delicious brisket: take two drinks
- Cris Collinsworth goes, “I tell you what…”: take a drink
- Shot of Andrew Luck: take a drink
- Mention of key injuries around the league: take a drink
- A commercial starring an injured NFL player: take a drink if Aaron Rodgers, take two drinks if anyone else
- “Dilly dilly” is said: take a drink
- That commercial with the doofus wearing the Raiders sweater to the Chiefs family dinner: take drink
- That Toyota commercial about cutting the tree down that those old people carved their initials into, and then they turn it into a table for those old people and shit gets all weeps: drink the entire time that commercial plays because fuck that commercial
- Vance Joseph is fired mid-game: finish your drink
- Either team scores a touchdown: take two drinks
- Neither team has scored a touchdown at halftime: finish your drink, then finish another one by the time the 3rd quarter begins
- Micho texts during the game: take a drink
- JD texts during the game: take a drink
- Buckets texts during the game: drink all of the drinks
- Mike Pence is at the game: finish your drink
- Mike Pence says he’s at the game, but uses the photo from two years ago when he was actually at the game: take three drinks
- One of those complicated, multiple team member touchdown celebrations: take 4 drinks
- Someone goes into the concussion protocol and then comes right back into the game: take your drink, slam it into your head multiple times to give yourself a concussion, then finish your drink
This Week’s Level: What’s bullshit? I can’t remember. Wait, where am I? Are you my mom?
Speaking of the concussion protocol, here’s a free tip for the NFL on how to improve the game. I call it the “Now, I’m not a doctor…” guy. What you need is a guy. A regular guy. A guy who is not a doctor but of reasonable intelligence. Whenever there is a big hit, this guy watches the replay on TV. This guy’s job is to come over to the pop-up blue tent and give his analysis of watching the hit on TV. For example, he might say: “Now, I’m not a doctor, but his body went limp when those two guys hit him directly in the head.” The team doctor’s opinion is still valid, but this guy’s opinion has weight too. “Well his head hit the ground and he started convulsing like he’d been shot with a stun gun. Now, I’m not a doctor, but I don’t think he should play anymore.”
You know what we should do, start fucking fining the teams for putting guys with concussions back on the field. Coaches, owners, team doctors, all of em. This is getting a little fucking gross.
Dog Shit of the Week
That random, extremely selfish and self-centered woman on the train on Monday. So there was a bomb in Port Authority on Monday. And this is what life in New York City has become, you can start discussions on about terrorism nonchalantly. Anyway, thankfully this guy was a moron, who tried to build a bomb using Pinterest and DIY.com, and blew himself up in the process. I’m hoping he ends up looking like JPP for the rest of his life. But the result of this failed bombing, was that every subway train in NYC was either fucked or extremely fucked.
I knew my morning commute was gonna be a shitshow, so I left early, giving myself plenty of time for whatever bullshit I was going to experience on the train. Turns out, I played it right. There was a train pulling into the station right as I got there, but then that train stayed at the station for about 10 minutes, due to an “investigation.” On a day that a bomb goes off, by all means, please investigate all you want.
Since the trains were all kinds of fucked, my train was more packed than Boom Boom’s suitcase for a weekend away (AYYYOOOHH!). And look, the train sucks when it’s that jammed. On a normal day if my subway car is packed, I spend my whole ride staring daggers at the back of the little old lady’s head in front of me because she won’t stop hitting me with her purse and I know she’s got some Werther’s in there and if she’d just give me one, I’d feel so much better, but she won’t, that fucking old bitch. But on that day, a bomb went off, I figured we’d all be like, “Well these are some pretty extenuating circumstances. We’re all in this together” but no. Everyone was just their regular, annoyed selves.
My favorite example of this was when I was reading what this woman texting her friend over her shoulder. Usually I wouldn’t do this (just kidding, I do this all the time), but usually I try to not to read someone’s entire conversation because it makes me a creeper, but since I was so squished, her phone was literally right in my face and I was physically unable to turn away.
So, her friend was super concerned saying something like, “OMG a bomb went off in Port Authority. This is scary. There [sic] checking around the area for blocks. This is crazy”
And the woman in front of me, replies:
“I know, there were no cabs anywhere”
“The train is a nightmare”
“Lyft was 350% surge pricing”
“I hate everyone”
And, then again for good measure:
I’m glad she was able to take the fact that a bomb fucking exploded and make it all about how much it was inconveniencing her.
Also, what are you in such a rush for at 9:30 in the morning that you couldn’t be late for? “Bomb” is literally the best excuse for being late, like, I dunno, ever. Late for work? Bomb. You’re good. Late for school? Bomb. No homework. The most important thing I can think of being late for is an interview, and if you were to use the bomb excuse, not only will they completely understand, I’m pretty sure they’ll just give you the job.
So congratulations selfish lady on the train, you had to take the subway to work one day this week, like the rest of us poor, unfortunate souls and for that, you’re the Dog Shit of the Week.
#1 Finding Foerster 177.85
#8 BigBrendoBrand 162.00
Shoulda grabbed the over. Timmy’d be buying me drinks at Specks for what I can imagine would be all night. If I win even 20 bucks that has to be like 3 or 4 pitchers of beer right?
Brendo put up a good fight. Case Keenum scored 28 points, DeAndre Hopkins scored 30.90 points, and Leonard Fournette scored 24.90 points. Unfortunately, his defense didn’t show up as Houston, Joey Bosa and Melvin Ingram only combined for 16.50 points.
Buckets’ team was just too strong this week. Carson Wentz scored 39.15 points, which is crazy considering he got hurt that game. Michael Thomas, Davante Adams and Kenyon Drake all had 20 or more points. Buckets ended up putting up the 10th best total score for a Quarterfinal playoff game.
#2 #Brady40MainiHorny 169.80
#7 CheesyGorditaCrunch 137.95
Well, even though both of the top teams were what I would call a “soft 10-3,” they proved they were deserved to be the top two seeds.
#Maini put a 30-point beatdown on JBiggs, thanks mostly to 49.90 points from Dak Prescott. He also got 29.60 points from LeSean McCoy, who somehow rushed for 156 yards, even though he was wearing snowshoes.
JBiggs got a good performance out of Le’Veon Bell (30.50 points) and a decent effort from Drew Brees (23.75 points), but had a couple terrible performances, including 4 yards from Jermaine Kearse and zero points from Amari Cooper.
Speaking of snow, is there anything better than football in the snow? I’m sure everyone’s being saying it. Like, I bet the people on SportsCenter read about it on Twitter, so they talked about it during the show so they could pretend to be cool. I kept wanting RedZone to go back to that game just because football in the snow is so fucking cool. It will make anyone walking by the TV stop in their tracks and start watching. They should pump snow in for this shitty Broncos-Colts game. I would watch that.
#6 FuseLitHugeDick 180.15
#3 Spoiler Alert 104.95
The Dick is huuuuuuuuuuge right now! This blowout was so big I may have to get a sponsor for it…. [Opens Incognito Window] This week’s Biggest Playoff Blowout is sponsored by Lush by Lovense, the app controlled vibrator. That’s right ladies, give your boyfriend the ability to control your vibrator from his phone. Now he can try too hard and not satisfy you when in bed with you AND when he’s away from home.
Everything went wrong for Vegas this week. He came into this matchup as the top scoring team in the league, but he didn’t have Ezekiel Elliott (suspended for being a misogynist asshole) or Gronk (suspended for being a meathead idiot). Vegas got a great game from Antonio Brown, who had 200 yards receiving, but that was the only player on his team who had a good game. He had nine players in single digits, and his quarterback, Derek Carr, only had 14.55 points.
Timmy, on the other hand, put up the 8th highest quarterfinal score in Toppa League history. He had eight players in double digits. His defense (Dallas, Deion Jones, and Lavonte David) combined to score just under 50 points, and Jamaal Williams tacked on 23.80 points for good measure.
#4 Tiger’s Wood 166.05
#5 PowerFranks Gore 134.35
Here I’d like to pinpoint the exact moment I lost this matchup:
Here’s a different angle:
That’s 4 minutes into the first game of the fantasy playoffs, my best player getting speared in the head. My team never really recovered. My team put in a decent effort; I had nine players in double digits, including 25.50 points from Todd Gurley. Unfortunately, my favorite quarterback, Kirk Cousins played the game of his life, with a stellar 151 yards passing, 1 TD and 1 interception. Just kidding. He sucks. I hope Kirk Cousins gets no Christmas presents.
JD had a great week from Russell Wilson, who continues to be the best player in fantasy, scoring 37.55 points. The 26.55 points from Kareem Hunt didn’t hurt either. That figures since on draft day, I took Spencer Ware, whomst I didn’t know had exploded his knee, and then JD took Hunt with the very next pick.
It’s okay though. Boom Boom is only a couple points back in her ladies dinner pick ‘em league. I’m throwing all my rooting interest behind her. She’s gonna take the crown this year, and I’m gonna get those leftovers. #TeamDoggieBag
Props Over Here:
- Kirk Cousins >300 yards passing now that my team no longer relies on him: Yes (-400) / No (+350)
- Minutes I watch of Broncos-Colts: 10 minutes Over (+2000) / Under (-800)
- Tom Brady >300 yards passing: Yes (-300) / No (+250)
- Patriots team rushing yards: 200 yards Over (-200) / Under (+140)
- Miller Lites drank by Woody during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-110) / Under (+120)
- Miller Lites drank by #Nick during Pats-Steelers: 10 Over (-800) / Under (+1000)
- I get my Christmas shopping done by the end of this weekend: Yes (+300) / No (-265)
- Timmy has started his Christmas shopping by the end of this weekend: Yes (+900) / No (-1200)
West Lot Conference Championship Game
#2 #Brady40MainiHorny vs. #4 Tiger’s Wood
We’ve got a matchup between the last two Toppa League champions. JD is now the highest scoring team left in the playoffs and is looking to make it back to the Toppa Bowl for the 4th year in a row. But #Nick is still riding that #MainiMagic.
Previous Matchup: JD and #Nick didn’t meet until Week 11 of the season, and JD beat #Nick 155.10 to 141.85. JD got 40.50 from Russell Wilson and 32.00 points from the LA Chargers defense. #Nick had amazing days from Keenan Allen and LeSean McCoy, both scoring 30+ points, but he got negative points from Dak Prescott and Austin Hooper (-0.75 and -0.10, respectively), and only 0.70 from Taylor Gabriel as well.
Key Players for #Brady40MainiHorny: Dak Prescott, who scored the most points in fantasy last week. Keenan Allen, who had emerged as a monster the last 4 weeks. Over that time, he has 547 yards receiving and 4 TDs. He’s the number 2 wide receiver in fantasy across that span, second only to Antonio Brown. LeSean McCoy, who had 29.20 points last week and is matched up against the Miami defense who has given up 11 double-digit-scoring RBs.
Key Players for Tiger’s Wood: Russell Wilson, who somehow scored 37 points last week even though he ony threw for 270 yards and had 3 picks. Not bitter. At all. Kareem Hunt, who may have gotten his early season mojo back. JuJu Smith-Schuster, whose 36.30 point week in Week 8 is looking more like an outlier. He only had one other week all year with double-digit fantasy points, and that was just 10 points. But this week, he’s going up against a Pats defense that I never really, ever doubted, but if I were to doubt them, I would say, maybe the defense was never really that good and they just played a bunch of really bad teams and they have a ton of injuries and if I were the type to worry about the Pats defense I would be worried about them right now, but since I’m not that type of person and, again, never, ever doubted the defense, I’m not worried.
East Lot Conference Championship Game
#1 Finding Foerster vs. #6 FuseLitHugeDick
And in the other conference championship game, we’ve got two never-before Champions. The Toppa Bowl will have one team looking for their first-ever championship. Buckets is looking to get back to the Toppa Bowl and redeem last year’s loss. Timmy is looking to get to the Toppa Bowl for the first time ever.
Previous Matchup: Way back in September, in Week 4, Timmy beat up on Buckets 156.95 to 110.15. Both teams looked completely different back then, however. Timmy rode Aaron Rodgers, who had 4 TD passes (on only 179 yards!) to victory, along with some help from Bilal Powel (36.00 points). Buckets on the other hand was still calling his team Satin & Lace Eddie. It was a pretty lackluster performance from his team. The only player scoring over 20 points was the Jacksonville defense (23.00 points) and he had eight players with single digit fantasy points. The next week he changed his team name and went on to win 9 of his next 10 matchups.
Key Players for Finding Foerster: Kenyon Drake, who has scored a total of 58 points from 334 total yards and 2 TDs, in his last two games. With Carson Wentz out for the season, Buckets has to replace the second best player in all of fantasy with… Matt Stafford. It’s actually not as bad as you think. Stafford is the 8th best QB in fantasy and is averaging 25 points per week.
Key Players for FuseLitHugeDick: Good God! Thats A.A.Ron’s music! He’s back after missing 7 weeks on the IR. He was averaging 31 points per game until he got hurt. I know he just had like 15 pins removed from his shoulder, but I know enought to not bet against A.A.Ron. This could swing the playoffs. Jamaal Williams, who has scored 28, 25 and 23 points in his last three games.
Weekend Matchups to look out for:
All of em! It’s the East and West Lot Championships! The winners go to the Toppa Bowl!
Thankfully this year’s final four won’t be getting T-shirts because no one will be able to coordinate with Bucket’s burner phone. Buckets, #Maini, JD and Timmy set your lineups. Oh look, we have Saturday football too! The Bears are at Detroit (-5.5) at 4:25 and then the LA Chargers (-1) travel to KC to take on the Chiefs for the AFC West.