I knew the odds were stacked against me. I knew I wasn’t going to make the playoffs. It was basically impossible for me to get in. Then little stuff started happening. Vegas was down to JD. Brendo was down big to Timmy. I had a shot at beating Buckets. Then the worst thing in the world started happening. I had hope. It couldn’t really happen, could it? I also got it mixed up in my head that I was 60 points down to Brendo and not 90. That gave me REAL hope. I could do 60. And I almost did! Brendo only put up 80-something points in a loss. Vegas lost. I beat Buckets. Everything was coming up Milhouse. But it wasn’t enough. But hey look, I have a first round bye in the Toppa Playoffs:

Enough of that bullshit. I need a palate cleanser. It’s Christmastyme! Do you want some weird Christmas music taeks? Of course you do! Here we go:

‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ has reached the total over-saturation point, and now sucks. I can’t even hear those first 10 jingle notes without wanting to drive my car into a ravine. And not just over-saturation this year. EVERY year. It’s done. Put it out to a snowy pasture and shoot it in the brain.

But that won’t happen, because people fucking love it! Loogit this shit:

This is the trend line for Google search for ‘All I Want for Christmas Is You’ for the past 5 years. That spike is every November (Seriously, the smaller, sharp bump at the beginning of the last 2 spikes is literally November 1st. Don’t get me fucking started on THAT shit!) people googling Mariah’s Xmas ballad.

These motherfuckers wake up on the day after Halloween and are like, “Hmmm how do I hear that Mariah Carey Christmas song?” They then open a web browser, type “www.google.com” into Facebook, somehow end up on Google, then search “All I Want for Christmas is You.” And why are these people fucking googling the song? Who fucking googles a song to hear it?! (The answer is, “Moms”) There are 17 ways to stream a song very easily, and take less effort than typing the song title into Google. Or, if you love it so much to listen to it the day after Halloween (sigh!), then just buy it and listen to it on iTunes (or whatever #Nick has on his phone). Or better yet, if you are the type of person who googles “How do I listen to that Mariah Carey Christmas song, even though the leaves on the trees are still changing colors?” than you definitely still have a CD player, so why not just buy the fucking CD?!

‘Santa Claus is Coming To Town’ by the Jackson 5 is (1) the best version of the song (Boom Boom thinks it’s Bruce Springstein’s version, but she’s wrong. Though, there is a part of that song where Bruce is singing “Santa Claus is coming to town!” over and over and one of the E Street band goes “Ho Ho Ho” in the background and one time The Boss cracks up and I kinda love it) and (2) might be a top 5 Christmas Song ever, as is that Jackson 5 Christmas album.

Every time I hear this song, I think, “Jesus Christ, it’s no wonder this kid became the biggest pop star on the planet.” For real, a 12-year-old Michael Jackson could sing better than 98% of people. Ever.

Speaking of the Jackson 5, I only recently learned the meaning of ‘I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus.’ Until NOT THAT long ago, I didn’t know that Mommy actually kissed Daddy, who was dressed as Santa Claus. Not the REAL Santa Claus. This is, like, 2 years ago…

I just always thought that Mommy was harlot and Michael Jackson catches her redhanded kissing and tickling her way to being a home wrecker. And it probably wouldn’t have been “a laugh, if Daddy had only seen” that she’d be trifling with a fat, jolly, old elf. 

Again, Mike kills this one.

I like ‘Christmas Wrapping’ by the Waitresses, but I don’t know one fucking word of the song. If you don’t know what song I’m talking about (you know it, you just might not know the title), just remember to google it!

I know the gist is that she (they?) hates Christmas for 2 verses then loves Christmas in the last verse. But there are so many words in this 5 minute song, and I couldn’t tell you any of them. I’ve listened to it every year, multiple times, every Christmas, and I don’t know any of it. Except “R!S!V!P!” 

My Christmas playlist has two remixes on it and they fucking SLAP. ‘Happy Holidays (Beef Wellington Remix)’ and ‘Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town – Q-Burns Abstract Message Remix.’ They come from a simpler time, when jeans were too baggy, tips were frosted, wallets were chained, phones flipped and Fatboy Slim was cool. But I don’t care. They’re fucking dope and you can’t convince me otherwise. 

Wonderful Christmastime > Happy Xmas (War is Over)

A few years ago, I wrote a blog ranking random Christmas stuffs and in that blog, I ranked ‘Happy Xmas’ as the 5th best Christmas song. This taek, my friends, is wrong. Not only is this not the 5th best Christmas song, it’s not even the best ex-Beatle Christmas song.

At the time, I was like, “Paul is a fucking dork and John is the cool one! I should like his song better.” And while Paul is a fucking dork, a big, huge, fucking dork, (1) John isn’t really THAT cool, especially solo, and (2) being a fucking dork is okay! This song is silly and weird and stupid and has so much synthesizer, but it’s also kinda fun and doesn’t pretend to solve world peace with a fucking Christmas song.

I enjoy Dean Martin’s version of A Marshmallow World because he sounds like he’s singing the song while holding his third tumbler of gin.

So, we collectively canceled the ‘Baby, It’s Cold Outside’ song for being rapey. And whatever, sure. But there’s this line in ‘Holly, Jolly Christmas’ that goes, “Ho ho the mistletoe / Is hung where you can see / Somebody waits for you / Kiss her once for me!” What the fuck!? Kiss her once for me?? What kind of creepy shit is that? If I was like, “Hey Woody, kiss your wife for me, would ya?” I’d probably get slapped.

Or invited over?? 

‘Mistletoe and Holly’ was written in 1957. People were way more conservative back then. People didn’t swear like they do now, and certainly not in the mainstream, in songs and movies.

So what I’m saying is, since they didn’t swear during those olden days, what if when Frank Sinatra sings “Oh by gosh, by golly,” it’s basically just like singing “Wet Ass Pussy” today?

Toppa Playoffs?!?!!??! Wild Card Weekend Preview

#1 Firssss DOWWWWNNN (11-3) vs #8 Midday High Tides (6-8)

Line: Firssss DOWWWWNNN (-10)

O/U: 252

Previous Matchup: Back in Week 8, Brendo and Micho had a slobberknocker that was a ridiculously close back and forth battle. Look at this:

There were 3 lead changes, 3 different leads of 6-points (which is a weird coincidence) and the biggest lead was only 9 points. Micho was able to get the win, even though his team put up a C+ worthy week. 

Match Preview: The OBs Bowl!! Brendo backed his way into the playoffs losing his last two matchups, only scoring 77 in his last week. He’s lost Cooper Kupp to injury and just lost Kyler Murray, as well. He’s going to have to scramble to find a QB to start in the most important week of the SZN. Meanwhile, Micho has won 7 straight and has only scored less than 130 points three times the whole year (he also hasn’t scored less than 118).

That said, Micho QB is also hurt. So this matchup is going to come down to Ryan Tannehill vs Daniel Jones. Fantasy Football is dumb.

#2 No Venmo for Soto (9-5) vs #7 Titties and Beer ( . ) ( . ) 🍻 (6-8)

Line: No Venmo for Soto (-1)

O/U: 254

Previous Matchups: These two started off the year matched up against each other. Vegas was able to pull off an 8-point win, thanks to that one good game that Micheal Thomas had for the first time in 3 years. Buckets was able to exact revenge later in the SZN. His win over Vegas was win number seven of his 8-game winning streak. Buckets won pretty easily, 128-107. 

Match Preview: At first glance, I couldn’t believe that the bookmakers think this one is going to be so close. Buckets is 9-4 and in second place and Vegas has a losing record. But after looking a bit closer, Buckets and Vegas have scored the same amount of points this year (1910, good enough for 3rd and 4th most in the league). This is going to be a close one.

#3 Porta-potty dumps (8-5) vs #6 The #LetMacSmack Attack (8-6)

Line: Porta-potty dumps (-5)

O/U: 282

Previous Matchup: Way back in week 4, JBiggs took care of business and beat #nick pretty handily, 142-116. Tom Brady put up 41 points in the win. JBiggs was able to then flip him for Pat Mahomes and saddle Timmy with the guy who had a botched nose job, broke up with his supermodel wife, is getting sued for being one of the faces of a crypto ponzi-scheme, and hasn’t thrown for over 300 yards in 6 weeks. 

Match Preview: This match up is gonna come down to threesomes. Can #nick’s 3 WRs (Justin Jefferson, Tyreek Hill, & Terry McLaurin) outplay the 3 WRs (Amon-Ra St. Brown, Stefon Diggs, & Jerry Jeudy)on JBiggs’ team? If all three can put up big games, that will be enough to outweigh the slight advantage JBiggs has in every other position. JBiggs’ receivers do have just as much potential to put up big games, so can they put up big numbers and end up blowing out #nick? Or does Mahomes put up 50?

In order to figure this out, I’m going to do more research by googling “Fantasy Threesome.” Be right back.

#4 The QB Controversy of ‘22 (8-6) vs #5 After Further Review (8-6)

Line: The QB Controversy of ‘22 (-12)

O/U: 149

Previous Matchup: In Week 10, Woody spanked JeffWho by more than 40 points, 160-119. Woody got 62 points from Josh Allen and Jonathan Taylor. He also got a ton of production from the bottom of his lineup, in those “It’d be nice if…” spots, getting 22 points from TE, 11 from Flex, and 31 from Special Teams (K, DEF, D). 

Match Preview: Things don’t last long in Toppa League. Woody beat up JeffWho only 5 weeks ago, and now he’s lost 2 in a row, both by 40 points, and is now an underdog in this matchup. JeffWho seems to have figured out his QB situation, and his team overall, as all his projections are looking solid. Woody gave his team 2 days off in hope that they’ll get their bodies and their minds right. He’s hoping that Darren Waller and Damien Harris can both come back from injury and help contribute. 

Here we go! Wildcard weekend! JeffWho against Woody! Micho vs Brendo! JBiggs playing #nick! Buckets facing Vegas! 8 teams enter… well, 4 leave and the other 4 stay… shit. Toppa Belt! Who gets their name on the pallet? Who has to sit sadly on ToppaDraft day while the other guys get their pictures taken? This is it!